Original subtitles

NARRATOR: Previously on "The Increasingly Poor Decisions

of Todd Margaret."

-The Turkish people from the news agency,

they came here to buy all the Thunder

Muscle we have in stock.

You grew up in Leeds.

-My dad lives in Leeds.

Li- lived in Leeds.

He's dead.

I am still grieving the loss of my father.

-Hey, son.

Hey, it's your old man.

-Dad? -What?

-A ghost! Ahh!

-I'm not so sure this is a good idea, guys.

[WARNING KLAXON]

-Can I get anybody some coffee, tea?

[SIGHS]

-You were planning on raping me.

-No.

God, no Alice.

Please, that box says "Alice's drapes for kitchen."

That's her blood on there, uh, because she

had her kid on my bed.

That's where the blood came from, her vagina.

So I was just trying to wipe it off and it smeared, so--.

-Who's that man behind the door?

-I, you've, I don't know who, what you're talking about.

What man?

What door?

-That would be his father.

His "dead" father.

-Don't anger the ghost!

Are you crazy?

-Where's your manners?

I'm trying to have a romantic evening.

-Open the door, Mr. Margaret.

-Sure, I would, but-- Ah!

A poltergeist!

Oh, begone foul beast.

Seeks Alice in the apartment across the hall.

I'd-- [LAUGHS] OK.

Here's the thing about-- You're-- Can I explain-- Huh.

See?

True ghost.

DISPATCHER (ON RADIO): All units.

Report to the car bomb outside Spearmint Strip Club.

-Oh, dear God.

It'll be horrific.

It's All You Can Eat Monday.

We will see you again, Mr. Margaret.

We've got all your information. We know where you live.

-(WHISPERS) OK. Alice--

-Jesus, Todd.

You are literally the creepiest, most deluded guy

I have ever met, and I dated a Scientologist.

-All right. Wait.

Alice, well, listen to me, listen to me.

I was not going to rape you, OK?

And that guy was just an actor that I hired, OK,

to entertain us in case we happen

to come back here to my second flat.

-Actor?

Second flat?

Jesus, stop lying!

-Hey, kiddo, your girlfriend seems really, really nice.

-This is awesome.

Dad, what the f-- fudge are you doing here?

-Ah, I got your hint about hiding,

so I came in here and saw these little cuties--

-London.

What are you doing in London?

-Well, I saw you on the news on TV.

You were urinating on that soldier's grave.

Yeah, so I flew over here to lend you a hand.

-Oh.

-And I gotta say, son, not to be a busybody,

but every couple has a fight now and then, you know?

I mean, your mother and I, we argue

about the most ridiculous things.

Dance hall versus raga. -Dad--

-Silly things like that.

But you're not going to win an argument by raping her,

I promise you.

Now, I'm going to go talk to her--

-Please don't. Please don't.

---and use the old Margaret flare.

-No! Don't.

No flare.

Don't say anything to anyone.

Please don't.

WILTS (THROUGH DOOR): Todd, argh, are you still there?

-That's my boss, uh, I--

WILTS (THROUGH DOOR): It's not safe out there.

You got to get back in here, man.

You can't let that ghost eat you.

-Uh, Mr. Wilts, I think you're, uh,

mixing up ghosts with zombies.

WILTS (IN OTHER ROOM): That ghost looked hungry, man.

-Yeah, uh.

Listen, just hide here.

I don't have time to explain, but you

have to pretend you're a ghost, if anybody asks.

Because I told them you were dead, OK?

Also, uh, you're from Leeds, so you

have to be an English ghost. -You got it, kiddo.

-Oh, God, Todd.

Save yourself. -Your mate's gone well weird

about ghost and zombies.

That is not the kind of environment

I want it brought up in. -OK.

Now, Pam, um, I'm wondering if my

dad, uh, (WHISPERS) he's not really a ghost.

-Oh, really? Yeah, all right.

-If he-- if he could possibly, maybe, crash at your place--

-No.

---for a few days?

He'd be a really good baby sitter.

-See you later.

[BABY COOS]

-Oh, God.

OK, dad, you can spend the night in this apartment,

Here's another baby. -Oh.

-Careful, OK, now--

[CELLPHONE VIBRATES]

Oh, jeez.

Hey Dave, uh, can't really talk right now.

Got a lot of stuff going on.

-Sorry boss.

I just needed to know whether you

wanted you're train ticket tomorrow in standard class

or business class. -What are you talking about?

What train tickets?

-Leeds, silly!

-Dave, we're not going to Leeds.

-But boss, I've spent all evening

in the office planning meetings.

-Dave, look, [SIGHS] business is like chess, OK?

And, um, I'm thinking four, possibly

even five steps ahead, all right?

And the smart business thing to do is to just spin a web

and let the flies come to us.

-So you're saying your a chess-playing spider?

-The scariest kind.

-Todd, close the door.

Don't let the zombie ghost in.

-No, the door's shut, Mr. Wilts, and uh, the zombie

ate the ghost, and then choked to death, again.

So we're good.

Are, are you OK?

-I'm tinkling.

(WHISPERING) Come on, come on.

Come on, friend.

I am not weak.

I am a strong confident asshole.

MALE VOICE (ON CD): I will punch you

back up your mother's pussy.

-I will punch you back up your mother's pussy.

MALE VOICE (ON CD): I will punch you

back up your mother's pussy.

-I'm going to punch you back up your mother's pussy.

-There he is.

-Listen up, or I'm going to punch

you back up your mother's pussy.

-OK.

But can we do the tomorrow?

I'm kind of tired.

-We got some serious shit to discuss.

-Why? What?

-Look, I don't know what's going on,

but I just found out that Global National is a shell company.

-Oh, they make shells?

-Not anymore.

Apparently, they lost so much money.

They had to move to a tiny hut on an island.

-I-- I don't know what you're talking about,

but am I in trouble?

-Deep trouble, because of some financial shit

that I don't understand, I, I mean, we,

are now in the hole $470,000.

Do you understand that?

So now I, I mean, we, I mean, you

got to get out there and sell the rest of the Thunder Muscle

so that I, I mean, yes, I can save my ass

and get that money back to Mountford.

-OK. Wait.

I-- I don't even know who Mountford is.

-Mountford is the guy who's bankrolling all of this.

The guy whose money you're spending, and he wants it back.

Like yesterday.

-Oh, that, that's not possible.

-And here's what's going to happen

to us if you don't get us that money.

[VOICEMAIL MESSAGE] -I've never even met-- Oh.

[VOICEMAIL MESSAGE] -I've never even met-- Oh. -I've never even met-- Oh. Ooh.

-I've never even met-- Oh. Ooh.

-That's right.

-Oh, that's unnecessary.

-Serious shit.

-But that's not even-- um.

-And that shit'll never end, kimo sabe.

-Wow.

-Yeah, Margaret.

Wow.

So you better up your game like a billion percent, and also,

newsflash, that's my bed now. -What?

Wh--

-That fucking Whitney decided to play Miss Marple and now I got

kicked out of my hotel.

Now I've got to stay in the company apartment.

By the way, why'd you choose this fucking AIDS sanctuary

anyway? -Be careful.

That thing moves. Well, wait a minute.

I didn't choose it.

It was just all in the information pack

that you sent me.

-What the fuck are you talking about?

I never sent you an info packet.

Wha-- Wait a second.

Mr. Wilts, where am I supposed to sleep?

-Sleep? Are you kidding me?

This place is haunted.

You're on door-guarding duty.

-No, no, but-- -Hey, listen.

If you don't like it, just send a letter to my asshole,

care of I Don't Give a Fuck Lane, in the town of Shut

Up You Fucking, God, I don't remember.

Just-- who cares?

It's not like I was going to read the letter anyway, right?

-OK, but if I could just get the--

-Door.

-Sir, I should point out that you

should think about starting to get ready for your game.

-Yes.

Have you seen my work clothes?

-Just there.

In case you've forgotten, sir, you

are due to escort Miss Rhianna to the Monaco Grand Prix

tonight. DAVE: Cancel it.

With any luck, I'm going to Leeds.

-And what shall I tell her?

DAVE: I don't care.

I mean cancel the whole Grand Prix.

I need to appear as though I've been up all night working.

Have my boxers been slept in?

-Yes, sir. Eight hours, sir.

-Yes, sir. Eight hours, sir. -And you stuffed my trainers, yes?

-And you stuffed my trainers, yes?

-Yes, I took them to the pub, sir.

Would you care for some dandruff, sir?

-Mm.

-Mm. Good.

Good.

How do I look? -I would untuck the shirt, sir.

Excellent.

-How do I look?

-Like a sack of shit In a nice suit.

Now, get rich, or try dying.

TODD: All right.

See you later.

-Boo!

I have traveled over time for to thou--

-Sweet Jesus.

Come off your cross and protect me.

---for which I am doomed waiting for--

-Even stay on your cross. I don't care.

Just protect me. ---and end to this.

-Alice?

-Oh, no.

-You want the truth?

Let's start with this.

These are drapes, not rapes, OK?

I'm not a rapist.

I'm not, OK?

I don't like rape.

Not even the fake kind, where the woman kind of secretly

likes it, all right?

Classical rape--

-Todd, please stop saying rape.

-OK. It is kind of funny, though.

I mean, just the other day I was in here trying

to convince people I wasn't a racist.

Now I'm in here trying to convince

people I'm not a rapist, you know?

I mean, what's it with me and the R-A IST words?

I know they kind of rhyme.

Sounds a little like a song from a musical.

(SINGING) I'm not a rapist, or a racist, or a racist rapist,

but I do think that you are cute.

Bump-bomp.

-Jesus.

Todd?

TODD: She liked it.

-Look, I appreciate the curtains.

OK?

I can see where I may have been confused there.

But I, I think we should just say our good-byes,

and we just pretend that we never, ever

met, or will ever meet again in the future.

-No.

Alice, I lied to you when I told you

that I was allergic to nuts.

I'm not, and I'm sorry.

Although, to be fair, I don't like them very much.

So technically, kind of allergic.

Also, I'm not from Leeds.

-OK, why don't I just speed things a bit, OK?

You've never lived in the House of Parliament,

you have no experience as a salesman.

Oh.

And by the way, Todd, Leeds? Really?

If you're going to lie about being from somewhere

you've never been, at least find out where it is, OK?

Buy a guidebook, Google it, anything.

Oh, and, and, and your dead dad?

-And my dad's not dead.

Yes.

Correct, correct.

But who here hasn't lied about that?

Uhp, seriously?

I'm the only one?

I'm the only one who's lied about (CHUCKLING) having a de--

OK.

Look, Alice, OK, the reason I said

those lies was so I could keep this awesome, amazing job, OK?

If anybody from the company finds out

this stuff isn't true, it's over.

I mean, come on, you, you have your dream job, you know,

that you'd do anything for.

You want to open up your own restaurant,

your own, uh, Fat Duck or, or Whack-A-Mole.

-La Molecule.

-Right, La Molecule.

That's your dream.

And you'd do anything to achieve it.

-Yeah, I wouldn't lie that badly.

-Alice, I do not want to get in some stupid argument

about who's a better liar.

-I am not a liar.

You are.

You're the liar.

You are the sad, pathetic liar.

-Alice?

Alice.

Alice, I promise, I will only tell you the truth from now on.

My name is Todd Margaret.

I'm not 25.

I'm 35 and a half, rounded down.

I'm from Portland, Oregon.

I've never been to Leeds.

My hair is starting to thin out.

My penis is very big.

And the girth is nothing to shout about.

Unless your really tight.

-Du--, um, that's enough sharing.

-I think you're a beautiful woman.

And yes, I do like you in that way.

Although, I'd like it if your breasts were bigger.

-Todd!

-No.

I said what I came here to say.

My dad' not dead, and I'm not from Leeds.

And I wish your breasts were bigger.

-I will, with great honor, martyr myself

for this mighty jihad.

-Osman, don't be a fool.

We will have Todd Margaret do it.

-We need you.

You make the best bourekas in the whole world.

-But I won't go to Heaven and be greeted by 70 virgins.

-Osman, there are no 70 virgins. -What?

-That's made up.

You don't believe, do you?

-Leeds has the world's largest woolen mill.

-What we got here?

Hey!

-Oh, no!

It is Todd Margaret! (FAKE PANIC) Quick.

Quick. Run everybody.

Run.

Oh, no, no.

Wait, wait.

What is he doing?

-You guys gave me counterfeit money.

-We can't be caught by Todd Margaret.

He will show us no mercy.

Quick, run!

If I ever catch you guys again-- -Stop, stop.

Stop.

Uh.

(FAKING BREATHLESSNESS) All right.

You caught us.

We recognize when we are beat.

-By a worthy foe, and potential lover.

-Hey, Mehtap.

-(FAKING SADNESS) Please don't hate us.

-Oh, whatever will we do.

We are ruined, now that Todd Margaret has caught us.

We will be deported, and forced back into the salt mines.

Unless what do we have to give you,

but our last 3,000 or 2,000 pounds?

-Oh, great!

-Look, Mr. Margaret, you deserve more than this.

-Ahmet, we could give Todd Margaret

all the Thunder Muscle back.

-What? No.

We cannot.

But we have to.

Mehtap, yes.

It is our only choice.

Here.

Todd Margaret.

Here is the real money for you to spend as you wish.

-Great. Ha-ha.

-It's all there.

And here are the keys for the Thunder Muscle parked over

here.

-OK, good.

Yeah, I think I'll just check it out first.

MEHTAP: Todd!

Todd.

I am so excited about you.

Why don't you meet me Saturday night at this address,

promptly at 8:22?

-Peppermint Finger Bangs.

-Yes.

It's a sweet shop where I do volunteer work.

-Oh.

-Here.

Take my extra phone.

My number is preset.

Just call me Saturday night at exactly 8:22,

when you are parked outside.

It will be a date.

-Yeah.

OK. All right.

Great.

Hey, does this have games on it?

ALL: No!

-Please.

-Don't use the phone until you are

parked outside the strip club, uh, sweet shop.

Uh, it's a sweet shop club for the children.

It is important that you do not use the phone until then.

-Don't use the phone until then.

-Uhm-uhm.

I want my first time to be special.

-Oh, yeah.

Of course.

All right.

They're not coming though, are they?

-No.

-OK.

I'll see you all later.

-(WHISPERING) Perfect.

Perfect.

-Mr. Margaret?

You've got a delivery.

And there's some mail.

-Hm.

Ich, another one of these things?

How'd they even find me here? It's ridiculous.

You buy Viagra one time, you start

getting CDs you never even asked for.

The, eh, the Viagra's for a friend, as a joke.

For, uh, as um, actually his friend, so friend of a friend.

His friend, actually. -Right.

Here's your bacon roll.

And here is your Sauvignon Blanc, 2008, OK?

That's what you ordered?

Yeah, it's a zesty little number.

Actually, it's a good wine. Has a good crisp finish.

It goes well with, with, with, um,

things you eat much later in the day.

-How about that kids?

Your first toothbrushes.

Ah, tomorrow, I'm going to get you a pediatrician, then

some day care.

So I want you guys just to sit tight.

I'll literally be right back.

I got to do something quick.

Boo!

-Oh, bollocks.

-Sor-- Sorry about that.

Boo.

Boo.

I am a ghost.

-Mr. Margaret?

-(GHOSTLY VOICE) I am the ghost of Todd's father.

And I bring a message to an Alice.

Is there an Alice in here?

-Mr. Margaret.

Todd came in earlier.

I know you're not a ghost.

-Ha, oh.

Well (CHUCKLES)--

[SOLITARY APPLAUSE]

Ah ha.

Thank you.

That's, that's how you grab an audience, ha.

Hi, ha-ha.

I am Chuck Margaret.

I'm Todd's dad.

-Did Todd make you come here?

-Oh, no.

In fact, he insisted that I didn't.

But I'm glad to see that you two are, are talking again.

Yeah.

You've got a great thing going.

Don't throw it away.

-I don't know what you talking about.

There is no, there's no thing going.

I don't really know him.

-Oh, and also, uh, Todd and I had that, uh, that rape talk.

-What?

-You know, I'm sensing that you're

in a great deal of denial.

But that's OK. I understand.

You're a new couple.

-No.

No, we're not, we're not a couple.

-The first step to fixing the problem

is admitting that there is a problem.

See that's, that's how Dr. Palmer

was able to get Todd to stop soiling the bed last year.

-Umph, congratulations.

-Ha, yeah.

That's my boy, sort of.

-I've got to, um, I've got customers to serve, so--.

-Oh.

Of course, of course.

I, I came here to, to say what I had to say.

You're a great couple.

And Alice, you're a swell girl.

And Todd, he no longer soils the bed, heh.

-See, really, a friend of a friend,

and a friend of a friend, of a friend of a friend.

You know. Never even met the guy.

Sounds like a real jerk, though.

My friend's cool, and his friend, too.

(INCREDULOUS) 10 million pounds?

-Morning, boss.

Hey, you seen this?

Jeremy Stevenson, head of the Defense Committee,

has been found hanged in his Parliament office.

-Oh.

So what?

I mean, that kind of stuff happens all the time.

-Oh, it must have been around the same time

you were on that tour there.

-Eh, guess so.

Well, at least he died happy.

-(STARTS CHUCKLING) Wh-- What makes you say that?

-Uh, oh, beca-- uh, oh, you know,

he was serving the people.

It's every Parliamentary man's dream.

-Well, it's just that in, in here

it says that he was found "wanked to death."

-Oh.

-"Police are looking throughout London for a bald,

moderately unattractive man seen around Parliament Square last

night."

-Uh, all, all right, Dave, Dave, OK?

I got a lot of work to do.

I got another prank letter from Sainsbury's.

I need to jump on one of those young and not legal boys.

I don't want some old guy jerking me around.

I want the hottest kid they got working this shit, OK?

I want to make this hard for those assholes.

-Roger that.

-Dave, tuck in your shirt.

There's a lady present.

-Sorry, boss.

Um, oh, about Leeds, see--

-Oh, my God, Dave.

We're not going to Leeds!

Get it through your thick head, OK?

Yes, I know Leeds is great.

It's got the world's largest woolen mill, and sheep farming,

and mining are its primary industries.

Don't you think I know that?

I'm sick of hearing about it.

-Yeah, but the thing is, we're not--

-Dave, my decision is final, OK?

We're going to Leeds.

Lets go out the side door.

-But the train station's this way.

-Yeah, well, we'll take the company van.

Penny, burn all this.

-The company van?

-Are you sneaking?

-Yeah, just exercising, uh, for my quads, you know, I--

[VEHICLE ALARM CHIRPS]

It's not-- it's not working. I mean, I can hear it, but--

[ALARM CHIRPS AGAIN]

-Boss, I'm thinking that might be the company van there.

-That's a truck, van.

So it's a truck-van, is what I meant.

Sorry.

I forg-- I keep forgetting, like, tired eyes.

Ha-ha, you know how it is. I just think--

Come on.

We have meetings to go to.

Uh.

Eh.

What the hell is the steering wheel doing--?

-Cheers for driving, boss.

I didn't get much sleep last night.

Tired eyes, you know.

It's--

-Ah, that's all right.

You can drive.

-Nah.

-Yeah.

-I'm good.

-Come on.

-It's all right.

-No, really?

-I'll drive on the way back!

-Hey, um, well, what if you drive now,

and I'll get the way back?

-Nah.

-Come on.

-Nah, it'll take a little bit to get out, changeover.

It's not worth it.

-All right.

So it's, it's been a long time.

[POLICE RADIOS AUDIBLE]

OK.

Say your prayers. (CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)

[ARAB MUSIC PLAYING]

DAVE: What's this music?

Where'd this truck even come from?

TODD: I made the Turks give it to me.

No one screws Todd Margaret in the ass without paying for it.

-Can I get a pint of lager, please?

And a half-pint for the sneakers.