Original subtitles

'Previously on The Increasingly Poor Decisions of Todd Margaret...'

Listen, it's crunch time.

16,000 more crates of Thunder Muscle are being unloaded right now...

I know!

You're telling me Brent Wilts

is not the President of Global National?

Hello, Mrs Plimpton? Oh, cheese at Christmas!

Come on, this is pathetic!

You couldn't sell crack to a crack whore! I know. I fudged that up.

I sent the pictures to Wilts like you asked,

but it didn't go down well with Sainsbury's.

Well, tell him to get a lawyer. Tell him to hire ten lawyers.

Todd Margaret. Ahmed, good to see you.

There's £30,000 in here, right?

Minus a handful of £30 notes.

I wanna introduce you to a brand-new energy drink

that you are gonna love!

No, wait, wait! This is a misunderstanding!

Wait, no, I'm American! I mean, I grew up in Leeds.

Help, anyone!

Honey!

MALE JUDGE: The charges include breaking and entering,

sexual deviancy, libel,

airing pornographic content, money laundering,

murder, anti-Semitism.

Silence in court! GAVEL BANGS

Thank-Thanks for, uh, gettin' me outta there.

Yeah, well, you're lucky it's televised.

I can't believe you saw me.

The entire country saw you, Todd, most of the world, probably.

Hey, do you think they saw the Thunder Muscle?

Yeah, I suppose so. Oh, that's great!

No, it's not great! It's stupid.

At least, it's stupid for a legitimate businessman

who's supposed to know what he's actually doing.

You know, you just, you just gotta be honest with me, Todd.

I am!

Oh, yeah, sure you are.

You're the head of an international company,

but you haven't been able to sell one can of fizzy drink.

You aren't aware of the concept of exchange rates.

You don't know how to dress yourself.

You-You live in a bedsit that is filthy and disgusting.

You practically destroyed my cafe,

and you still owe me for my kitchen curtains, by the way.

OK, first of all... I know how to sell fizzy drink,

and it's not fizzy drink. It's an energy drink,

a great tasting new way to get up and go.

The exchange rate thing, that was just me being confused,

cos I'm constantly travelling, OK?

And you're gonna get your kitchen drapes.

I'm working on it.

You don't have to keep asking about it, all right?

And... please, keep in mind,

I am still grieving the loss of my father.

I know. I'm... and I'm sorry about your dad.

And I told you, I'm only in that place temporarily

until my new place is renovated. Renovated?

Yeah. Your new...

Todd, why are you lying?

I mean, you're-you're a nice bloke. You know, you're good fun.

You're a sweet guy, but you don't have to try so hard.

That's my apartment, right there.

I move in tomorrow.

You're moving into the Houses of Parliament?

Surely even you recognise the Houses of Parliament.

You know what I found out? Not all houses.

Some of them are actually apartments.

Anyway, that's mine over there, 5G.

Come by tomorrow. I'll be there at, like, eight o'clock.

Jesus, you're hopeless.

No, Alice, seriously. I-I-I'll prove it to you.

Come back here at eight o'clock tomorrow.

I-I'll prove it to you. OK.

Hi, fairy. Look what I did.

Oh, hey. Look at that. Congratulations.

Is it a boy or girl? Either.

I'm gonna call it Leyton, after its dad.

Leyton? Leyton Orient,

that's who its dad plays for.

I don't actually know which one the dad is,

but it's definitely one of the reserve team.

I couldn't see, cos I got too much BLEEP in my eye.

And then I started feeling quite sick, actually, cos I think I'd...

PROLONGED BLEEP

..in my mouth and my... PROLONGED BLEEP

..then I completely passed out. When I...

PROLONGED BLEEP

I think one of 'em must've eaten fish.

OK, great. Well, uh, good luck...

to the baby, I mean.

Pam!

Pam, did you have the baby in my apartment?

Well, I couldn't have it in mine, could I?

Why not? Because the bailiffs took my carpet.

Couldn't you at least clean up?

I'm a new mum!

Pam, are you ready?

Woo-hoo! Come on, Leyton!

I'm gonna wet the baby's head. I'll see you later!

Uh, Pam.

Uh, God.

# Oh, beautiful

# For spacious skies

# For... grain...

# A purple mountain

# Her majesty...

# Plains

# America, America

# God gave his son for thee. #

Hi, this is Todd Margaret in the London office, um...

DOOR OPENS

..I'm afraid I'm gonna have to tender my resigna...

Excuse me, one second. Let me... I'll call you back.

Morning, Todd.

OK, look, I don't know what your game is. Game?

I went to the Turks, OK, to get the money. Yeah.

And I got the money. I got £30,000. Nice.

Counterfeit pounds.

30,000 counterfeit pounds.

And then, when I went back there to confront them about it,

oh, guess what? Surprise, surprise.

Long gone. Boarded up. No sign of 'em.

Thanks a lot. I didn't know about that.

Yeah, right! No, I swear to you.

I had no idea, mate. I feel sorry for you. I really do.

Yeah, well, I'd feel sorry for you, too, because you're part of this.

Well, to be fair, I was quite happy to go down there.

You told me to stay here.

Well, it...

Doesn't matter, cos I quit.

Quit? Oh, come on. It's one little set back.

One little set back? Yeah, one little set back. Minor.

One minor, little set back, 30,000 counterfeit pounds,

and I'm missing all the Thunder Muscle,

along with the fact that I paid too much money for Steve Davis,

Alice always thinks I'm lying, Wilts won't get off my back,

I got this new shipment of...

Yeah, well, whatever. Bye.

No, no, no, you can't quit, boss.

Dave...

I know this job means the world to you. Yeah.

But... I don't care any more.

I'm gonna go home.

Oh, come on, Todd. Don't worry about that.

We've got plenty of good things to be happy about, you know.

My mate, he's just cut the Steve Davis commercial together.

That should be airing soon.

I've booked some air time on Channel 4.

Really? Yeah! No worries, mate.

It's gonna be brilliant.

Although, with that mortifying clip of you and the Thunder Muscle

at the parade, we might not even need it.

And Alice will come around.

All you need to do is convince her you're not a pathological liar.

Oh, thanks, but no thanks.

PHONE RINGING

I didn't know these received calls.

Neither did I.

Hello?

Yes, this is Thunder Muscle.

Yeah, of course. Yes.

How many cases? Could you repeat that?

Uh, yes, um... Oh, yeah.

No problem at all. Let me get your particulars.

ANOTHER PHONE RINGING Yes, sir, uh...

Sure. Free delivery is not... is not a problem.

HE LAUGHS I gotta go. I'll call you back.

Got another one.

Clancy's Internet Sensations just bought six cases.

This is nuts! I know, it's brilliant, innit?

I just set up three meetings for us. Oh, good job!

Yeah, and they're all at your old stomping grounds.

You can show me around the place, introduce me to your mates.

What do you mean, my old stomping grounds?

Leeds, silly. Oh... boy.

Yeah, just you and me, heading... Out west.

Up north. North west.

Just north. Yup.

OK, Dave. I got a question for you.

How do I get a place in the Houses of Parliament?

You gotta be elected. Oh, like a co-op board.

Uh... Say I just wanted to get in there and look around.

You can't just wander in there. It's exclusive?

It's really exclusive.

Uh, you might be able to get on a tour, though. A tour?

Oh, fancy apartments.

Yeah, the question is,

can I pull off lookin' like a tourist?

I'm sure you can give it a go.

All right. I'll head over there later.

Just book a tour for me, all right?

Yeah, no worries. I'll get straight on it.

KNOCK ON DOOR

KNOCK ON DOOR Oh, what?!

God!

Fuck!

What do you want? Uh, may I enter?

No!

If I could just enter for a moment. I, um...

Would you go home?! I fucking fired you!

Well, actually, sir, I'm here to fire you.

You, Mr Wilts, are fired.

HE LAUGHS

I found it curious that I never received any paperwork

from either you or Global National,

so I put on my best Hardy Boys and Nancy Drew outfit,

and I did a little sleuthing. You just won't go away.

You're like a botched abortion.

Man! Um, well, anyway,

um, did you know that there is no Brent Wilts

registered to the company of Global National?

What the fuck are you talking about?

Uh, elementary, my dear Watson, or should I say "Wiltson"?

No, I'm gonna say "Watson".

So, Watson, what I discovered was that Global National

is nothing but a shell company registered to an address

of a hut on the island of Antigua.

There's no office, no phone number, no records.

Simply put, this company does not exist.

Therefore, you are the president of nothing,

and you have no authority over me whatsoever.

Subsequently, all lines of credit to you

from Dynamic Integrated Business Resources

have been cut off, totally and permanently.

Is this a joke?

No, actually, I think it's fraudulence and embezzlement

at the highest degree.

I'm working, as we speak, with the CIA, FBI,

and Scotland Yard... just as soon as they return my calls.

Listen, man, I don't know what any of this is all about.

All I know is that I was working at Dynamic Solutions

and I got a call from this Mr Mountford over at Global National

saying that I was up for a big promotion.

I got all the credit cards, the self-help CDs...

Mr Mountford? I'm unfamiliar with that name.

Who is that? How the fuck should I know?

All I know is I got a call from the guy.

Why don't you go look for him, Sherlock asshole?

KNOCK ON DOOR What!

Mr Wilts, I'm sorry,

but we seem to be having difficulty with your credit card.

I just wonder if you might be able to come downstairs with me?

You got Whitney'd!

Hi, Doug Whitney, how are you? I booked the case.

Wait, no... Please.

Hi, my name's Todd Margaret. I'm a tourist.

I have a slight Leeds accent cos I spent my summers there.

I'm here for the last tour. You're just in time.

The group is forming over there. Thank you.

How ya doin'?

What is this place? Like a museum or something, like a...

Are-Are you here for the tour?

You know, where I come from, it's polite to respond to somebody.

Paul.

Mal.

Ellen.

Matt.

ALTERS SPEECH: My name is Todd.

UPBEAT MUSIC

ALTERED SPEECH: Sore throat.

What? I sorry.

Me sad.

From Leeds.

Well, I spent my summers there.

These people are deaf, Mr Margaret. They're not retarded.

I sorry. I didn't know th...

Wait a second... are you undeaf?

Stop talking like that! I can hear... yes.

Congratulations! I said, stop that.

IN OWN SPEECH: I have to go to the bathroom.

Andy Capp... always making things worse for yourself.

TODD'S VOICE: 'Come back here at eight o'clock tomorrow.

'I'll prove it to you!'

ALICE'S VOICE: 'Todd, why are you lying?'

DOOR OPENS

Yeah, I'm just finishing up some, uh, constituency business.

I need you to get me a few things for this evening.

Just put 'em on expenses.

Yeah, a belt, an orange, back of a door

and a tank of nitrous oxide.

OK, cheers. Bye.

What...?

ALTERS SPEECH: Poo-poo.

Sorry! Sorry!

MICROWAVE BEEPS

TV: 'Will Mohammed be able to convince his teacher

'to enforce Sharia law at the school?

'Find out next week on Muslim Driving School.

'Now, stay tuned for Jew Driving School,

'followed by an all-new Episcopalian Driving School.'

DOOR CREAKS

Hel-Hello?

Hello?

TV: 'Written on the wall in lipstick were the words,

' "Welcome to the world of AIDS." '

I can't believe I'm doing this.

'In other news, terror police have released this image

'of a man they wish to question as part of their investigation,

'code name Stop Apocalypse.

'They believe he is an American named Todd Margaret.'

BIG BEN CHIMES

Come on, Alice.

What the hell is wrong with me?

Bloody hell, he's done it.

Todd!

Good on ya that you did it, but you need to get down now.

Uh, is that pizza? Come on up, 5G!

Oh, Alice, is that you?

I'm sorry. I thought you were the pizza guy.

Yeah, O-OK, Todd... you win. Just come down.

Seriously!

I'm just gonna throw on a DVD.

I'd invite you up, but the place is a mess.

Put your hands in the air! Yeah.

FEIGNS YAWN I'm tired.

I think I'm gonna skip the DVD and go straight to bed.

All right, coming, coming.

Oh, I'm coming to you.

Don't come in. Here I come, here I come.

I told you, I was on a guided tour.

I fell asleep on the toilet. I was looking for the exit.

Do you have any ID on you?

Not on me, no, but I have a passport, visa, work papers.

All that stuff's back at my apartment.

If you could just let me go, I'll call my boss, Brent Wilts,

he's here in London... Sir, it-it's OK. He's harmless.

Sorry, who are you? My name's Alice Bell.

I run the Graceland Cafe, Mr Margaret works across the street.

He's, um, he's from America.

But I-I grew up in Leeds. Well, spent my summers...

Shut it! He was sent here by his company,

but it seems they've made a terrible mistake.

He's clearly in way over his head.

You've no experience in sales, have you?

Seriously, Todd, what's your official job title there?

President of drinks.

See?

So you can corroborate that he sells a "kick-ass tasting energy drink?"

Yeah, yeah. There's a boss named Brent Wilts.

Yes, sir, he has an asshole boss named Brent Wilts.

And the reason he was looking for a disabled toilet...

Oh, no, no... We-We... That's... Officer...

..was because of his extra large and thick penis.

I-I wouldn't, nor will I ever, know that.

Sir, if we could just go back to my apartment,

I can make everything right.

If nothing else, I'll get a free ride home.

I mean, cabs here are really insane.

OK, here's what we're gonna do, we're all gonna go.

You too, ma'am. And we're gonna go to your flat.

If anything doesn't check out, you're gonna be arrested.

Understood? Yes.

And you'll be deported. Yes, sir.

Right.

Oh, can I ride in the front, though? No. Oh, all right.

Did you enjoy the Ambassador's party, Mr Mountford?

Oh, I did, Jeffrey. The Ambassador was in fine form.

Very good, sir.

And then, I earned ¤50 by drinking a half gallon of mustard.

Um, so...

I'll just, I'll get my phone, and we'll call Mr Wilts,

and... right.

Uh, the place is kinda messy, so... and dirty.

GROANING

That's why it's called a "yo-yo".

Close the door, man.

Mr Wilts? I had nowhere else to go.

She'd only let me in if I'd bang her.

You can stop. Oh, God!

Uh... What's this?

Uh, that's for Alice.

By the way, that money you gave me was counterfeit.

I need some back-up here.

You creep!

Come on, Alice, you know you've been askin' for it.

Oh, no, no, no.

I know that looks weird, but it's her baby's blood.

You better have a good lawyer. I do, I do.

I like the firm Young and Not Legal.

You disgust me.

OK, all right. Wait a second, please.

I have a reasonable explanation for all of this.

Hello? Hello?

Oh, hi, excuse me. I'm looking for Todd Margaret.

Todd! Hey, son.

Hey, it's your old man!

Dad?

HE CHUCKLES

Wait. What?!

A ghost!

Aggggh!

MUSIC: Life Is Sweet by Johnny Marr

# Life is short And the days are long

# Gotta get right back But I don't belong

# Life's still sweet So good, then it's gone

# Things are gonna get worse. #

I'm Steve Davis,

international snooker player and Thunder Muscle drinker.

GUITAR RIFF

..which I do not...

Yes, yes! WOMAN MOANING

MAN: Crikey, is that a Negro in my wife?