Original subtitles

NARRATOR: Previously,

on The Increasingly Poor Decisions Of Todd Margaret...

Todd Margaret, he's a temp.

He has no experience in a national market...

Bullshit. He's perfect. Two weeks ago, I made the mistake

of sleeping with you. That mistake doesn't make me your girlfriend.

What the fuck are you doing here?!

Actually, I'm here to ask you a few questions.

You're fired! Still! Again!

This is your boss? This is the chick you wanna bang?

Hello, I'm Hudson. I'm from Canada.

He's down for the weekend. He's staying here.

You grew up in Leeds? My dad lives in Leeds.

Lived in Leeds. He's dead. My dad lived in Leeds.

Fuck. Oh, fuck. Fuck, fuck, fuck.

Snooker. Snooker. Snooker! Not snicker. Not snacker.

You sold all the Thunder Muscle?

Yeah, the Turkish people from the newsagents,

they came in to buy all we had in stock.

You are my best friend. Cash.

I'm fairly confident this is a forgery.

W-what?

The charges include antisocial behaviour,

disruption of national solemnity, money laundering,

lewd sexist behaviour, failure to pay for a cranberry juice.

JEERING Order! Silence in court!

PHONE RINGS

Hello, Mr Wilts.

I want my money, fuckstick!

Yes, sir. I'm not gonna take no for an answer.

I said yes. Right.

You listen up, douchenozzle, you better get it right this time.

I want that money or I'm gonna fuck you like Mike Tyson on E!

Yeah, OK, uh, I'll meet you at your hotel as soon as I can.

'No, fuck this place. A bunch of stuck-up, frigid bitches.

'Meet me at that bar down on the corner.'

Todd, tell me that you nailed that cafe va-jay-jay last night, buddy.

Oh, boy, did I.

I didn't, no.

Ah, come on, stud! 'Nah, it ain't gonna happen.'

I'm clearly not her type.

She goes for something, uh, a bit more exotic, if you catch my drift.

Listen, man, if you wanna plug that weeping hole,

here's what you gotta do.

Whatever her type is, be her type.

Yeah? Yeah, dude. You just gotta look the part.

All right, yeah. Look the part.

Hello? Mr Wilts?

Ow! Ow! Jesus!

Hello, Dave, it's Todd Margaret, your ex-boss.

Um, just wanted to let you know that I'm going to be calling the cops

and having you arrested.

I don't know how dumb you think I am, but, uh, the fact that I feel

compelled to leave a telephone warning, I think, speaks volumes.

Goodbye.

RECORDING: 'Number one, I want my money

'or I will fuck you like Mike Tyson on E!'

'Number two...' I can't do this.

'..give me my money or I will rip off your arm...'

What am I doing? What am I doing?! '..and stuff it down your cockhole.'

Hi, Miss Plimpton.

Brent Wilts calling you from the marketing department

over here at Dynamic Integrated Business Solutions.

Do you mind taking a brief survey?

We'll send you a ten dollar coupon good for nasal spray.

Would you describe your toilet in the following way?

A, luxurious. B, functional yet savvy.

C, Orwellian. D... Hello?

Hello? Miss Plimpton? Oh, cheese at Christmas.

Come on, Wilts, this is pathetic!

You couldn't sell crack to a crackwhore!

No, I know, I fudged that up. I'll say you fudged that up.

You fuckin' fudged that up real good.

You better start showing me something by the end of today

or I'm gonna reach down your throat,

I'm gonna grab your balls, and I'm gonna pull with vigour!

I'm gonna take your balls and throw 'em out the window.

Then I'm gonna leave this office, get in my car, find the ball pile,

and I'm gonna run over it back and forth.

And I'm gonna get outta my car, I'm gonna hover over the ball pile

that's now been flattened. I'm gonna defecate on it.

Miss Turgid, there's a Mr Moundford on line one for you.

I've gotta take a phone call.

Why don't you get back to not selling things? OK?

Yes. OK?

Turning it around.

Hey, dickbreath.

As you know, the Falcons did not cover the spread. Payment, please.

This is Turgid. Double or nothin', right?

Come on, what do you say? Let's do it.

Brent Wilts? He's a temp.

He has no skills internationally.

Bet, right? What do you say? Bet, man.

HE GASPS Bon jour, monsieur naked.

What was you doing last night sneaking in in your wet underpants?

Pam... I got a good look at that there,

and Pam like-y what she see-ey.

What are you doing in my bath? How long have you been here?

Calm down! I told you I couldn't use mine. There's a spider in it.

Is that my toothbrush? I thought it was a bit small.

Ain't you got no loofa? Pam, you gotta go, OK?

I've gotta go, which means you gotta go,

all right? And now I gotta get a new toothbrush.

Thanks a lot. Might need a new razor as well.

Why?

Ugh.

Got it. Oh, sorry.

Ooh! Harry. Harry. Come here.

Sorry, sorry. Oh, God! That's OK. Simple mistake.

He'll be all right. Won't you? Thanks.

Oh, got it.

Oh! What the hell!

No! Wait, that was a mistake, too! That was a mistake! I'm from Leeds!

Excuse me. What's going on? Are we at war?

No. This is Remembrance Sunday,

the day when we remember our fallen soldiers.

Oh, Memorial Day. No, Remembrance Sunday.

Thank you very much.

What are these?

They're just symbolic, just a way to show respect.

You know what, I'd like to show some respect.

Put this in here.

I'll only take £5 back. You can keep the change.

Why thank you, sir.

Um, this isn't for charity, is it?

Yes, all the money goes to help injured soldiers, war heroes.

I'll tell ya what. 30, 60, £90.

God bless you, sir.

And I'll just take a little bit back for old time's sake, huh?

Just get rid of the fives. OK, great. You enjoy.

Now it's time to look the part.

What the...

Why...?

Oh, hey, Alice.

I was just on my way to play hockey in honour of remembering day.

Do you have any maple syrup? No.

No? Oh, shoot. Uh, mousse? Any mousse?

No, Todd, I have no mousse.

I really wanted some maple-covered mousse.

All right, well, I'll be "oot and aboot".

# Oh, Canada To me you are the best... #

Was that Todd? Yeah.

Is he making fun of me cos I'm a Canadian?

I don't know.

Is he... all right? Yeah, no, he's just...

He's harmless. You know. Hey, I've got an idea.

Why don't I invite some friends over tonight?

You could screen your movie. I could maybe digitise some appetisers.

That would be very nice. OK.

But not Todd, right? Oh, God, no! No.

TV: 'Oh, that is a lot of sperm, but it's all for a good cause.'

Uh, cranberry juice.

'And finally, you think your flat stinks.

'Well, here's a story from Portland, Oregon in America.

'112 people found themselves homeless

'when their entire building was condemned after one tenant

'left over 30 cans of tuna open in 30-degree heat for over six days.

'Now apparently this attracted various animals

'which then attacked and killed each other.'

'Really? That's amazing.' 'Yeah.

'Apparently the smell was visible from outer space.

'Police are looking for this man,

'the tenant responsible, for questioning.'

'Well, he's certainly caused quite a stink.'

CHUCKLING

'And now we return to our coverage of the Remembrance Sunday ceremony.'

There you go, mate. That's £1.20, please.

I can't go home. Um, is everything OK?

I... Oh, my Fanny.

What?

My building's been condemned. The police found Fanny rotting in it.

Can you turn this from the news? Put it on anything else, please.

Oh, well, this is gonna be on every channel, I'm afraid.

It's the Remembrance Sunday ceremony. It's live, so...

This is live on every channel? Yeah.

Huh. WILTS: Hey, nutbreath.

Hey there, Mr Wilts. What the fuck are you wearing?

Oh, I took your advice about being Alice's type.

This has happened to me before.

The girl I was seeing in Portland had a thing for Texans.

Why the fuck did I ask?

What the hell is going on on your face?

Oh, um, I was in the park and there was this little boy and, uh,

oh, man, I saw his balls comin' at me, and, uh,

it has been a long time, and I don't have the best control,

and I ended up just splatting him right in the face,

and his dad didn't take too kindly to that.

Been there, done that. No judgment here.

Do you have my wallet?

Yes, you got that Thunder Muscle money for me?

Not exactly. Are you fucking kidding me?

I will rip your fucking arms off and shove 'em up your cockhole,

you stupid fuck!

Oh, no! Oh, no! I've got the money. I've got the money right here.

I've got £30,000 in this briefcase.

All right, close enough.

No, no, wait, wait, wait, wait! No, you can't... you can't have it yet.

Fuck that. I gotta get back to my hotel and send this out today,

get that fucker off my back. No, no, you can't.

Why not? Because... it's fake.

How's that? It's counterfeit.

I messed up. I got ripped off.

You stupid motherfucker!

You worthless piece of shit!

Pack your shit up and go back to Portland right now.

You are so fucking fired. No, no, no! I can't!

I can't go home! You give me a briefcase

full of counterfeit money, you expect to keep your job?

Oh, no! No, sir! I'm sorry. You thought the money is fake.

I meant the briefcase is fake. Yeah, the briefcase.

I'm so sorry. It's fake leather.

It's, uh, uh, leatherine, a counterfeit, leather-like substance.

The fucking briefcase! Yes, I'm so sorry.

Todd, I don't give a shit about that!

Oh, OK! I didn't know. I thought maybe...

LAUGHS

So you're telling me that there's £30,000 in here, right?

You know, minus a handful of £30 notes.

That is so fucking great. Now, wait, wait, wait, Frank.

This whole briefcase scenario has got me thinking.

Um, we should really have a lawyer on retainer.

Great. Yeah. Great idea. OK. Uh, yesterday I was googling

Young And Not legal and they look quite attractive.

Well, you oughta try "tight, willing, and fresh".

Where are they based out of? I dunno, Bangkok.

Listen, it's crunch time.

16,000 more crates of Thunder Muscle are being unloaded

right now. I know, OK!

OK. Sorry. I...

am very excited about it.

I was trying to say you're doing a good job up till now, Margaret.

But you need to step it up now. What else you got?

I think I figured out a way to get the word out

about Thunder Muscle to all of Britain for free.

How's that?

Uh, yes, is this the Human Resources Department

at Dynamic Integrated Business Solutions?

I'd like to lodge a formal complaint against Brent Wilts.

Wilts, W-I... No, not the telemarketer.

He's the President of Global National.

The company that owns Dynamic Solutions . W-I-L-T...

..S. And, um...

Wait, are you telling me that Brent Wilts

is not the President of Global National?

Global National. Look it... Look it up. Keep looking!

Excuse me. Please don't use that tone of voice with me.

You know what, um, what's your name?

I'm gonna add your name to the complaint list also.

Excuse me, sir.

Excuse me. Please don't speak to me that way.

Kindness would be appreciated right now, sir.

Excuse me. Please. That's-that's inappropriate.

Great call on the outfits. It's all about fitting in.

Now we gotta get some of those tomato pins,

those show double respect.

Yeah, what the fuck is Remembrance Day?

It's just the day that all of us Englanders get together and...

remember how awesome war can be, and this is our parade.

Are there gonna be floats? Er... Yeah.

Are they gonna have Spider-Man?

Uh, yeah, but the English Spider-Man.

A little different. Oh, there's some tomato pins. Excuse me.

Gonna get some tomato pins. Sorry, mate!

OK, so, yeah, Andre, you can get changed in there if you want.

She should be here soon. You know the basic plot, right?

I fuck her on the desk?

Pretty much, yeah. OK, cool.

You know what we should do,

find one of these old fuckers with a bunch of war medals on

and get him to drink this shit on camera.

Hey, guy, what war did you fight in, the war on Big Fat? Cos you lost.

Kidding, relax. He's Todd Margaret.

Uh, hi, um, I'd like to tell you about a great new energy drink

called Thunder Muscle. Now's not the time.

It's always a good time for Thunder Muscle.

Oh, piss off! Fuck this douche.

Let's find a cripple.

Oh, this is a frickin' layup.

What are you, a nurse? Hopefully of the wet variety.

Hey, you look like you could use a little get up and go,

or-or probably just go.

This one I got for mass bravery.

And this one I got for bringing over 1,000 women

to a very satisfying climax.

Uh, how about a can of Thunder Muscle?

Is it free? Is it free?

Is it free? What? No.

Not this kid. What, he's a war hero.

He's not a war hero. It's just some kid with AIDS.

I don't have AIDS. Or cancer. God!

Whatever the fuck it is,

I don't want it associated with Thunder Muscle.

Come on, Margaret, what the hell is it with you?

You haven't impressed me at all today.

I-I-I'm sorry. I'm just... This is all reminding of my dad.

He used to love Remembrance Day.

He looked forward to marching in it every year.

He's kind of like a mascot for them.

SOBBING

WAILING

Sorry about yelling at you before.

Hey, check it out. It's your dad's old company!

Huh? Leeds, right?

Yeah. Oh, great.

Hey! Hey, Uncle Ernie! Uncle Ernie!

That's not my real uncle. It's just a nickname.

You know what you gotta do, sell 'em some Thunder Muscle.

I don't know if that's really... What are you talkin' about!

Get the fuck in there! But I...

Sell 'em the God damn Thunder Muscle! Come on!

Don't be a pussy, Margaret. Right.

Hello, gents. Don't worry. I'm from Leeds meself.

You must be thirsty with all this marching, huh?

Piss off! Well, try this great new energy drink, Thunder Muscle.

Oh, piss off, you American twat. Well, it's all right. Oh, hey!

No need to shove!

THUMPING

MOANING: Yes! Yes! Oh! Oh, yeah.

Oh, yes! Yes!

And cut! OK, brilliant work, guys.

That's another episode of There's A Negro In My Wife in the can.

Uh, please, help yourself

to a complimentary case of Thunder Muscle.

You guys have earned it. Oh, great job, Svetlana.

Can you tell me when this will be airing?

Um... Tonight.

May I come to the edit? Oh, no.

What does SAS stand for, shitty and mean?

Hey, what the hell, Margaret? We've been here two solid hours.

You haven't sold shit!

I think I'm beginning to see what you're all about.

I got it figured out. Don't worry, I'm not angry.

I'm in the same situation. I think it's time that we fess up.

All right, look, I mean, you-you can't blame me.

I mean, you know, I was... I was a temp.

We need to get you laid, right? Little boy, am I right?

No! Two little boys? Two little brown ones?

A little brown and a little yellow one? Like fuckin' a bag of M&M's.

No, no, no, it's not boys at all. Oh, girls.

It's that... It's that Alice chick, right?

All right, here's what we do. I got a sack of rufies...

No, no, Mr Wilts. It's not that. What the fuck is it, then?

Cos all of a sudden you can't sell shit.

I brought you all the way over here.

Do you want me to send you back, is that it?

No, no, no, sir. No, sir. Get out there and sell this shit.

OK. All right?

Yup. Sell it, and I'll have

the goddamn camera on you. OK.

FEEDBACK SCREECH

Oh, man, that killed. Don't worry, take five. I got it.

Hey, everybody, check it out.

I wanna introduce you to a brand-new energy drink

that you are gonna love.

It's called Thunder Muscle and it's totally awesome!

BAND PLAY LOUDER

Seriously, I just wanna... Trying to tell you about a-a...

a great, new energy drink. Please, if I could just get...

You guys wanna take five, please.

Uh, OK. Thunder Muscle, oh, it's so good and good for you.

Please. Just... Can I just get two goddamn minutes of silence, please!

SILENCE Thank you. OK.

BIG BEN TOLLS

Like I was saying, Thunder Muscle, it tastes great,

chock full of energy and vitamins, and science...

Can we lose the bells!

Be quiet! Show some respect!

Hey, shut the fuck up, Grandpa!

Listen to what he's saying! Jesus Christ!

If you pussies would've had some Thunder Muscle during the war,

we wouldn't have had to come out and bail your faggot asses out!

Am I right? No? Holy shit!

SHOUTING

INDISTINCT

No, hey! No, wait, wait, wait, wait!

This is a misunderstanding! Wait, no, I'm American!

I mean, I grew up in Leeds. Church Avenue.

But, uh, drink Thunder Muscle! Brent, Mr Wilts, help! Anyone!

'This morning's Remembrance Sunday parade was interrupted

'by a mentally-ill American

'protesting against Britain's alleged cowardice

'in all wars, ever.'

Unbelievable. LAUGHING

Um... Hudson, I'm just gonna pop out for a bit.

Oh, don't tell me you're gonna leave because of this guy.

Well, somebody's gotta help him. Oh, Alice.

We've only got a couple of hours left.

Sorry, everybody, enjoy your Vietnamese,

Kefir lime-infused torch beams.

And, Rachel, don't-don't eat the batteries. They're not Kosher.

Alice. TV: 'Drink Thunder Muscle!'

LAUGHTER

THE LAST POST PLAYS

Oh, no. Honey!