Original subtitles

'Previously, on The Increasingly Poor Decisions Of Todd Margaret...'

Did we sell any Thunder Muscle?

No, not a single can, not a one.

I have heard of this.

If you're interested in the drinks, here are my deets. Todd.

Please, don't speak, that's unnecessary.

You are fucking fired! Get the fuck out!

Hello, I'm Hudson.

I'm directing the new Cribs video.

After you.

We think you'd be the perfect new face for Thunder Muscle.

Todd! You said you're allergic to nuts.

Ah! Argh!

HE WAILS

HUDSON: He's gonna be OK. Just a massive erection.

Shat himself.

These charges include:

Insurance fraud, breaking and entering, espionage,

forgery, embezzlement, perjury,

bribery, rubber cheque-ing, unnecessary public nudity.

Silence in court!

TV: 'A 12-year-old boy in Dandong, China

'successfully defended his two younger brothers

'from a bear attack, using a makeshift Molotov cocktail

'made from what turned out to be a can of lethal

'radioactive energy drink.' Ew!

Oh, hello, Mr Man, Where you... What-What's that smell?

SHE SNIFFS

Oh, that's disgusting.

Uh, I, yeah.

No, I-I was at dinner at a friend's, and we...

Did one of my kids come over and shit in your clothes?

Yes, yes, they did. Malibu, Disaronno,

what have you been doing? It's all right.

I'm sorry. Let me clean 'em up for ya.

No, no, no. No worries. Honestly, it's no bother.

I'll just get the dog to lick 'em clean.

Oh, it was a false alarm about the whole giving birth thing.

Yeah, it was just a bedsore that opened up.

So, anytime you wanna shag, just let me know.

OK, thank you.

Hey, Todd, how are you?

You feeling better? Yeah, yeah. I'm-I'm-I'm much better. Thanks.

Uh, I just wanted to, uh, say I'm sorry about last night,

and, uh, I'm definitely going to replace anything I broke.

Yeah, I know you will.

I figured out a payment plan, though.

Uh, I could pay you in kisses, ten easy instalments of 20.

No, I'll just take the cash.

OK, um, and also,

I will definitely replace those kitchen drapes. Sorry about that.

I mean, I'd say "have 'em cleaned,"

but I think that shit'll stain.

Yeah, that's worked out OK, actually,

cos I need to get them replaced anyway.

I need something flame resistant that doesn't absorb radiation

cos of this salad I wanna make.

Well, glad to be of service.

HE CHUCKLES

Hey, Todd. Hey, Hudson.

Oh, also, I have a business proposition for you.

Dave called about shooting your commercial here. That's fine.

Cool. Good publicity for the cafe.

You're shooting a commercial here? The Steve Davis commercial

I was telling you about last night. He's bigger than Beckham.

Oh, who's directing? Anyone I know? Uh...

You do have a director, right? Uh, you're looking at him.

It's a commercial. How hard can it be?

OK, well, I'm around, if you need any help.

HE IMITATES HUDSON: "Well, If you need any help, I'm around.

"I'm the directing robot."

Thanks a lot. I got it covered, Dudley Do-Right.

Have fun doing your other Cribs video.

Alice, I'll see you later.

And, Hudson, watch out for low-lying branches.

Cos I'm tall, right?

Yeah, no shit. Jesus!

Dave?

Dave!

How could I have been so stupid?

When did you say you arrived?

Uh, four days ago, but as a kid,

I spent my summers in Leeds.

My dad and I would go to the park every Saturday

and watch The Who. No, no, here, the office.

Oh, uh, uh, 30 minutes ago.

I called you, as soon as I got here. OK.

And how old is this Dave?

Mid-20s to late 20s. And what's his surname?

Uh... I don't...

You don't know the last name or age of your sole employee?

Well, he's my director of strategy.

How did he come to be hired by you?

Oh, I didn't hire him.

He was, uh, he was just, this is gonna seem funny now,

but he was just here when I arrived.

Uh-huh. And was the product insured?

So, let me get this straight.

You were robbed of 32 crates of Thunder Muscle,

which is "an awesome new energy drink that tastes great".

Yeah. Attention, everyone.

Be on the lookout for a guy, mid-20s or late 20s,

don't really know, who may or may not be named Dave,

don't really know that either, with approximately 32 crates

of a tasty new energy drink.

Is that about right? Come on, man.

Look, mate. You haven't really given us much to go on here.

We've got your statements and your information, Mr Margaret.

We'll be in touch, if we learn of anything.

I'll hold onto this for the investigation. OK.

It is £1 per can, officer.

MOBILE RINGS

HE SIGHS

Hello.

Hey, fuck face, it's Wilts. Hi.

I was thinking about swinging by the office.

Check in on the wonder boy. What? You're in London already?

Yeah. I'm at the Piccadilly.

There's some pretty sweet talent in here, too.

I think that little Brent Wilts is gonna be one happy guy.

You brought your son? No, my cock, you idiot!

I just gotta figure out

which ones are whores and which ones are normies.

Anyway, why don't you give me the address over there?

No-no-no, uh, the-the office is closed today.

There was a sewage leak, a poo bomb terror.

I'm gonna come over to your hotel, OK?

Fine, whatever.

Hi. I'd like to check out, please.

Room 204. Hi, there, I'm American.

Do you speak English?

Cos I speak French and Greek, if you know what I'm sayin'.

Oh, get lost, you pig. Oh, I'm a pig?

I bet your bush smells like Chinatown during a heat wave. Boom.

That's the hammer comin' down.

..dilly Hotel.

Is Piccadilly one word or three?

Look, pal. I had a misunderstanding with this bitch,

but everything has been taken care of.

I-I paid her off, so we're cool.

Yes, but, sir, we-we expect certain standards from our guests.

Tell me about it. I'm out 300 bucks.

In that case, there's established protocol you can follow.

Fuck protocol. What do you want me to do?

Call the ambassador over to the king?

Hey, there he is! Hey, Mr Wilts. How's it goin'?

Dry is how it's goin'. It's like a fuckin' nunnery in here.

Gotta get my dick wet! God, where you gettin' your pussy from, Todd?

Oh, well, there's this girl here I like, Alice.

You know, we've been out on a couple of dates, sort of.

You tap that shit yet?

Uh, well, we talk a lot, you know, and, uh,

yeah, she's pretty neat.

I want her to get to know me a little bit better,

you know, get comfortable with me before her shit gets tapped.

Yeah, listen. I'm not really here to play matchmaker.com, all right?

How much money are you making me?

Uh, well, sir, the, uh, all the Thunder Muscle is, uh, gone.

What? Are you serious? It's all gone?

Yeah, uh... Oh, fuck, yes!

Oh, my God! Thank God!

Oh, man, that's... Oh, God! I knew I could count on you!

Oh, God! No, well, all right. It's all gone.

You sold all of it, huh? Ah, so, uh, where's the money?

Um, I, well... Give it to me, you piece of shit!

THEY LAUGH

Just kidding. I know.

Oh, but seriously, when can I get the money? Today?

Today is not good because I've got this big marketing campaign planned,

and, uh, we're actually shooting our very first commercial today,

and I was thinkin' we could head over to the set.

Yeah, I got Steve Davis.

Are you fucking kidding me?

No, I did a little wheelin' and dealin'.

What the fuck are you doing here?

Oh, hi, Mr Wilts.

Actually, I'm here to ask you a few questions

that have been bothering me.

There's a few pieces to your story that don't seem to add up.

I fucking fired you.

Actually, I never received any official paperwork

nor my contractually obligated 28-day notice.

I'm duty bound, as an employee, to ensure that I'm fired

through the appropriate channels. I called Human Resources,

but I haven't heard back from them, but I...

Are you out of your fucking mind?

I will fuck you in your appropriate channel.

You're fired, still,

again, fucking to the millionth power!

If you would just let me finish one sentence,

in our last meeting in Portland, you didn't let me finish one sentence,

and that's not the appropriate way to talk to me in a workplace.

This isn't a fucking workplace!

It's a shitty British cunt desert!

I don't even know what that means!

But I'm a human being, and as a human being,

as a member of the family of man,

I ask that you please... As a human being,

I will literally rip your fucking balls off

and feed them to you through your fucking ass.

You got that? Shut your mouth, Whitney!

Come on, Todd. Let's go sniff out some beav.

Todd. Hi, Mr Whitney.

To the bat cave.

Like they did on the Super Bowl.

All right. So, what's the deal here?

Hot models, chicks with dicks, that kinda thing?

Uh, no. This is, uh, Steve Davis. He's bigger than Beckham.

Hey, Steve, my man. How ya doing?

You psyched? MONOTONE: Yes.

All right, good.

Todd. Hey! It's all very exciting for me.

Steve Davis! I figured you could use the extra coin.

Always. Hi.

Uh, Todd, I don't mean to tell you your business,

but are you serious? What?

When I see an ad with a chick in it, she'd better be a ten.

I wanna be like, "I wanna fuck you so hard,

"your gynaecologist is gonna need therapy."

But, I mean, this-this is... Get out of my cafe.

Uh, Mr Wilts, this is Alice, the owner of the cafe

we're shooting in right now.

Alice, this is Brent Wilts, my boss.

This is your boss? Wait, this is the chick you wanna bang?

No, what? No! He's, uh, jetlagged.

He's jetlagged and, uh, been drinking.

Uh, you know, gave a lot of blood.

Madam, I'm sorry.

I didn't realise that you were the owner of this place.

I'm so-so sorry.

I mistook you for some off-the-street, scraggety cooze.

So, if you'll permit me, I would love to take a dump.

Uh, it's over there. Great.

Looking forward to it.

I, you know, he's one of those things.

I think he's nervous to meet you. Yeah. I don't think that's it.

Well, it, uh... So, um, so... you're thinking about banging me?

No, Alice, no. God, no-no-no.

Well, what's wrong with me? Nothing! Oh, my God,

Alice, nothing's wrong. No, no.

You're, I-I would happily bang you, if that's what,

I mean, if that was what you... Todd, it's OK.

SHE LAUGHS I'm just messing with you.

Oh, what fun you are.

No, I don't, it's all right.

I don't, uh, think of you in that way.

Why? I'm not desirable to you? No, I mean, yes.

I mean, yes, you are desirable.

I-I mean, if I... I'm sorry, Todd.

This is just too easy. I'm just gonna go over here.

Can we get going here?

There's an interesting programme on telly I wanna watch at six.

It's an in-depth look at the history of doors.

Yeah, sure, uh, OK.

You got a script, right? No, I wasn't given one.

Uh... It's all right.

I'm brilliant at improv. OK, all right, good.

Well, uh, all you gotta do is take a seat here.

We're just gonna turn the camera on.

You take a drink of the Thunder Muscle.

"I'm Steve Davis. I drink Thunder Muscle when I play snucker."

Yeah, mate, it's "snooker".

Yeah, that's what I said, "When I play snucker."

No, it's pronounced "snooker". Yeah, OK, are you good?

Why am in a cafe? Shouldn't I be at a snooker table?

Uh, yeah, sure. Alice, do you have a snucker table?

No. No, I'm sorry. We don't have one.

You'll have to make do with that table. What is snucker, anyway?

And why do you have a pool cue? Don't worry about it.

Let's jib down, zoom in and we'll do a pan push. And action.

Oh, God!

No-No-No-No, Steve. Cut, cut, Steve, no.

Uh, you love it. No, I hate it. It's bloody awful.

OK, well, uh, but act like you love it.

Take two, Steve Davis commercial.

He shouldn't be, you probably shouldn't

drink too much of that, maybe because of... Alice, please?

Don't tell an actor how to do his job.

Oh. Yeah, OK.

Sorry about that, Steve. Go ahead.

I'm Steve Davis, and I love Thunder Muscle.

Oh, yeah.

"When I play..." When I play...

"..snucker." ..snooker.

Right, "When I play snucker..."

Snooker! Right, "When I play snucker..."

Snooker! Um, Todd, maybe, um, I don't know.

I could give Hudson a ring.

Maybe get him down. No, I don't need Hudson to-to-to do this.

This is... it's shooting a commercial. I know how to do this.

It's easy, OK. All right, here we go.

OK. Steve, I want you to think of this can of Thunder Muscle

as your long lost lover, OK?

You haven't seen her, or him, whatever,

in nine, maybe ten years, going on ten years, OK,

cos there's a war on.

And you find it after years,

and you embrace, and you open it up,

and you chug her down, OK?

And you love it, and ready, and action.

And eye-fuck that can, Davis!

Think of your eyes as two big dicks.

Ex-excellent note.

Good note, but also shh, because, OK.

Action!

I'm Steve Davis.

OK. "And I drink Thunder Muscle."

Yeah, I know, I was pausing for dramatic effect.

Oh, OK, sorry. And... action!

I'm Steve Davis, international snooker player

and Thunder Muscle drinker.

No, OK, cut. Cut, all right.

You're doing great, buddy.

Here it is. Steve, you're dying, OK?

Of ass AIDS.

Of ass AIDS. And the only thing that can cure you

is Thunder Muscle, OK? And you know where it is.

There's a can remaining, but the Prince of Eldar

has locked it up, the evil Prince of Eldar,

and put it at the top of a tower made of-of... Sand!

..sand. Like The Mummy!

OK. The Mummy Two!

The... The Returns!

So, you get up to the tower, and you're like,

"Finally, I'm gonna live! I'm gonna live, damn it!

"I'm Steve Davis, and I got somethin' to..."

They snatch the can away.

Oh!

But from upon high is a twinkling twinkle

that comes and flits and lands right here,

and it whispers into your ear, "Steve Davis. Steve Davis,

"for the first time, Thunder Muscle is available in stores."

Holy shit! And action!

MOBILE RINGS

Oh, no, this is Mountford. You gotta tell me how this ends.

I'm Steve Davis, and I love Thunder Muscle,

which I drink...

"When I play..." ..when I play...

"..snucker."

Look, mate. The word is "snooker."

I keep saying... Snooker! Snooker!

Snooker!

Snucker. Snooker!

Get it right! It's not snicker! Ow!

Not snacker! Ow!

Snooker! Ow!

Snooker! Snooker!

Snooker! Ow!

Get off him!

You're not getting paid for that.

You've already paid me!

Just get out, out!

You've really let yourself down today, Steve Davis.

I said that you'll get it. Just give me one more day. Goddamn it!

Margaret, I need that money. Just leave him alone.

He's been beaten up by an elderly snooker player.

What are you doing? I gotta borrow your wallet.

OK, I don't need that.

So, I gotta go take care of some business,

but I will see you tomorrow with that money.

Hey, good luck with the shoot, you guys.

It looks great.

DOOR OPENS, THEN CLOSES

How was the shoot?

What the hell?

What are you doing here?

Uh, selling Thunder Muscle. Where's all the Thunder Muscle you stole?

Excuse me? Don't get smart with me, OK?

I saw the security tape. I called the cops.

Whoa, whoa! No, you saw me on the security tape

selling all the Thunder Muscle we had.

I would've thought a "thank you"

and "congratulations" might be more appropriate

than your hurtful accusations.

You sold all the Thunder Muscle?

The Turkish people from the newsagents,

they came in to buy all the Thunder Muscle we had in stock.

They called up.

And if I wasn't here, if I was, say, I don't know, on a date,

we'd have lost the sale. You're welcome.

What happened to you, anyway?

Oh, I-I don't know how to pronounce "snooker".

Uh, all right, if you sold all the Thunder Muscle,

then you have all the money, right?

Well, not right now. They said they'd have it for me today.

I was about to go down there and collect it.

Dave, how dumb do you think I am? Hmm...

You wait here. I'll get the money.

Suit yourself.

Oh, and, Dave? Yes?

If you're messing with me,

I'm going straight to written warning.

Here, here. Security cameras here, and we end here.

Uh, I'm-I'm here for my money.

Todd Margaret, what a pleasant surprise.

Please, come, come sit.

Have some tea, we were expecting your co-worker.

Yeah, well, I think he might be a little out of his depth on this one.

We much prefer working with you.

Well, I am the boss.

I should give you your cheque.

Osmon, where is the cheque for Todd Margaret

that I happily wrote out earlier?

Yes, Ahmed.

You asked me to send it to the victims of Haiti,

and you would write another one.

You're... You're still giving money to Haiti?

Every day. It's a Turkish custom.

Hey. Hey, Mehtap.

Thank you. OK.

Ow! Now I will remember you forever.

Where is the chequebook? Where, Osmon?

Where is the chequebook, so that I may write another cheque

for Todd Margaret here?

You only have one cheque left, sir,

and you wanted to use it to pay for your wife's operation.

Nonsense, bring it here.

It is more important that Todd Margaret get paid, right away.

Can I have some more tea?

Yes, yes, of course. Mehtap, more tea, more tea.

OK, here we are.

A cheque, sir, for £30,000.

Here. Great, I'm so...

No, I cannot do this to a friend. No-No-No.

Where are my manners? What are you doing?

I am ashamed of myself!

Shh! What?

Who am I to write you a cheque?

I should be kissing your feet and bathing your buttocks.

No, only the best for you. Only the best.

Here, cash.

Oh, no... I should probably take a cheque.

Absolutely not. You are my best friend.

Take the cash. It is better for all of us.

No paper trail.

Yeah, no, I don't think my boss is really gonna approve.

Oh, but who is this boss?

Nobody tells Todd Margaret what to do.

Take the cash.

I'll take, I'll take the cash. Good.

Hi. 32 Avington Court, please.

Yes, it's £68.44p.

I only need another £72,000 more, give or take.

KNOCK AT DOOR Room service.

£7.20, please, mate. Here you go.

Keep the change.

I can't accept this. Oh, come on.

You drove wonderfully, and I just made a big sale.

No, it's not that. Now, I'm fairly confident this is a forgery.

What-What?

See, as far as I remember, there's no "y"

in "Bank of England".

And even if there was, that's Helen Mirren.

Oh, God...

Uh, uh, uh, d-drive back

to the place where you picked me up from, please, the newsagent's.

Go back there, please, hurry!

I'll pay you double in real, in real English money.

There you go.

Come on, come on, come on, come on.

Oh, fuck! Fuck!

LAPTOPS BLEEP

Oh, fuck! Fuck, fuck, fuck!

Um...

THUNDER RUMBLES

MUSIC: 'Life Is Sweet' by Johnny Marr

# Life is short and the days Are long

# Gotta get right back But I don't belong

# Life's still sweet It's a good thing it's gone

# Things are gonna get worse. #

HEAVY BREATHING

MUFFLED CHAT OVER RADIO, DISTANT SIRENS