Original subtitles

Previously on

The Increasingly Poor Decisions Of Todd Margaret...

How would you like to go to London and sell energy drinks to the UK?

I am selling Thunder Muscle. I've heard of this.

I'm goin' on a date! Who's the lucky prostitute?

No, seriously, you know Alice from the cafe?

I'm really into molecular gastronomy. It's my passion.

You wanna look like a proper English gentleman.

I'm not really that hungry.

That's all you need, a liquor licence? Done.

It's the nuts. I can't eat nuts.

I'll have a reaction. It's really bad.

Didn't go down well with Sainsbury's.

They had a problem with me leaving a toxic drink there.

Well, tell them to get a lawyer! Tell them to hire ten lawyers!

This is Sainsbury's? This is a local grocery store?

No, there's about a thousand of them.

The charges include consumer fraud,

trafficking in child pornography,

supplying fraudulent documents, drug running...

SHOUTING ..destruction of Hindi artefacts.

Order! Silence in court!

GAVEL BANGING

Very good, gentlemen. Morning, Dave.

That's all right. That's the bloke I was telling you about.

LAUGHTER

See, I was right!

Who were they? Did we make a sale?

Oh, no, they were just from the council.

You know, it's a listed building. DAVE SNIFFS

Jesus, Todd, again! Shouldn't you be wearing nappies?

Oh, yeah, well, you know,

I asked you to give me the name of a local, family-run store.

That Sainsbury place is huge.

Sainsbury's is a local, family-run store.

There's loads of 'em locally.

I assume they can afford a good lawyer.

They are one of the richest families in England.

Great (!) You know, Dave,

this is gettin' real close to verbal warning territory.

So what'd you tell 'em? No, you told me to tell 'em...

Hang on, I've got it here somewhere.

Um... Um-um-um.

Oh, "Screw that guy. Tell him, 'hire a lawyer.' "

I know what I said. "Hire ten lawyers. I don't give a shit."

You didn't have to take it literally.

"If you wanna go deep-sea diving with the big boys,

"you're gonna run into a giant squid." Yeah, all right.

Do you think they'll sue? I didn't think they would at first,

but they did seem quite upset with the squid analogy. Damn it!

Now we have to get a lawyer.

You know what, verbal warning.

I did what you told me to do! Let me finish.

Normally, this would make two solids, and a half almost,

and then I'd be forced to write your first written warning,

but seeing as, technically, yes, you did do what I told you to do,

then, let's just call it your second-and-a-half warning.

Oh, thank you so much, chief.

With a solid almost lurking around the corner,

so don't get cocky.

All right, well, can you recommend any lawyers?

Yeah, yeah, I can.

They're meant to be pretty good, my dad's used them before.

A law firm called Young And Not.

Young And Not. OK, thanks.

"Young And Not legal."

There's, like, 25 million hits on this thing.

Wait, you need a credit card just to get their info?

Oh, I don't have time for this.

Dave, I gotta go get this liquor licence for Alice.

Take the company credit card

and download everything those guys got.

Wow! Well, tits sure are big here.

What, you don't like tits in the States?

Well, no, yeah, I just mean physically big...

You know.

It must be all the cheese.

# Life is short And the days are long

# Gotta get right back Where I don't belong

# Things are gonna get worse... #

Is there anything Beckham won't advertise?

Mandarin orange and essence of lavender ass oil.

I like your hat.

Yeah, people buy anything, as long as some sports hero...

SLOWLY: tells... them... to.

Number 49. Yeah, me!

Hi, uh, my name's Todd Margaret.

I wanted to grab a liquor licence. All right.

Uh, how much does it cost? You have to apply first.

Uh, that's what I'm doing. And what's the nature of your business?

Oh, it's not for me. It's a gift. It's for this little cafe I go to,

you know, uh, salads and sandwiches, things like that,

and I'd just love to be able to get in there

and, you know, crack a beer.

Is this a wind up?

You mean like a watch? Oh, you're asking me what time it is.

OK, Mr Margaret, I'm gonna have to ask you to leave.

Leave?

I think, uh, Mr Benjamin might have something to say about that.

Mr Benjamin? Mr Benjamin Franklin.

The American statesman who invented bifocals?

I don't know about that, but I do know he invented

a little something I like to call the hundred dollar bill.

Do you understand what I'm getting at here?

No, I don't. I want you to leave.

Oh, OK, right. England, England.

There's di... uh, different money. OK.

Perhaps if Mr Winston Churchill were to show up?

Nope. Maybe Alfred Hitchcock?

Nope.

William Shakespeare? Robert Louis Stevenson?

The guy who wrote Winnie The Pooh? Winnie The Pooh?

No? I don't know who's...

Uh, a bull dog? Monty Python? The Beatles?

An old lady drinking tea?

Uh, what about the Prime Minister, Bush's friend, uh, tiny Tony Blair?

No? All right, or king, right? There's a king?

What if King... Kong?

I don't know who's on your money!

Look, I... Fine, really? You're gonna make me...

All right, what if...

Uh, Mr...

Well, who the hell is Adam Smith? How am I supposed to guess that?

Sir, you have ten seconds to leave my office,

or I'll have you arrested! We don't accept bribes here!

Well, good, cos I'm not offering a bribe!

Shame on you! Shame, shame!

Dave, congratulations! I'm expanding your job description.

I'm making you head endorsement deal picker-outer. OK.

Now, with that new title comes new responsibility.

I want you to call David Beckham and make him an offer

'to endorse Thunder Muscle.' Beckham... um...

Oh, why? What, what?

It's just, you know, Beckham, energy drinks.

You want someone that is Thunder Muscle, don't you?

OK, I'll tell you what. Let me call the head office,

find out how much money I can spend on it...

I'll tell you what, chief. You leave this one up to me,

and I will get you your man. Oh, great... thanks, Dave.

And, Todd, you might wanna go out

and get yourself a new pair of jeans, mate.

Yeah, good idea. All right. Hey, Todd Margaret.

I dropped off that Thunder Muscle for you yesterday.

You guys were pretty excited about it.

Oh, hi... Hey. Todd Margaret?

Ahmed, good to see you. Hi.

I'd like to talk to you about that. Would you like some chai? Mehtap.

Oh, hey, where'd you get that liquor licence from?

The liquor licence?

Yeah, I need to get one for a friend of mine.

Here, my friend, take it.

Really? Yes, my friend, of course, of course.

You can change the name right here. You can write over it and initial.

You know what, I will Tipp-Ex that for you.

Wow! Thank you very much.

Mr Margaret, may I ask something in return?

Yeah, sure. Whatever. I would like to see your passport.

My passport?

Yes, I would like to look at it for a bit.

I don't understand. Excuse me. Sorry, sorry.

Um, I am writing a book about American passports.

You know, something to read on the loo.

It will be fun to look at, this book.

Yeah, OK. Sure.

Uh, you know, I wanna contribute to the arts.

Thank you. Thank you. Uh, very good. Very good.

Typical passport. Perfect, perfect.

Oh, what is the name for the licence?

Oh, Alice Bell, Gracelands Cafe.

OK, Alice Bell, coming up.

You have my passport. OK, here's the tea.

Here's the tea. Where's he going with my passport?

Oh, it was dirty. He will clean it for you.

It is tradition.

Oh, that's nice. Tea.

Oh, thank you.

That's good. OK, here.

Wow, great. Thank you so much.

Pleasure.

Well, I have your number, so I can call.

Yeah, absolutely. Yeah, no. That'd be great.

If it's OK with your dad. He's not my dad.

Oh. Oh, wait, are you...? No.

Are you...? Yeah.

Bye.

Afternoon, Alice. Hi. What are you wearing?

What? It's an "I love England" t-shirt.

No, it's a... Let me guess. Dave.

Yeah, I told him to go get me some stuff.

Anyway, I have, uh, something I wanna show you.

Yeah, hang on.

I've just gotta throw this black pudding out. It's too old.

Oh, I'll give you a hand. Thank you.

All right, come on. Let's go. Get up.

You're too old to be in here. Let's go, let's go.

Todd, what are you doing? What? I'm talking about this.

This is black pudding. I'm getting rid of this.

Oh, God. Oh, yeah! No, sit down.

I was just... We're... Yeah, go ahead, sit down.

Oh, I am so sorry.

I'm not-I'm not racist, just to be clear.

All right, that was... I'm not-I'm not racist.

Just... No, I love everyone. I really do.

I'm totally tolerant. Uh, uh, Chinese, Japanese,

whatever you are, wherever you're from, I love it.

I'm from London. Well, come on. You know what I mean.

Todd, shut up! Please. Sorry... he-he's American.

He-he hasn't been here very long.

Just put the jacket on and cover that. All right.

Anyway, Alice...

You know that little alcohol problem you've been having?

I don't have an alcohol problem. Well, no. You don't now.

What's this?

Oh, a little somethin' I like to call your new liquor licence.

Oh, my God, you did it! I thought you were full of shit!

I told you I can get things done.

Remember about the giant squid? Oh, yeah.

Todd, I don't know what to say. Uh, how about, "Thank you, Todd?"

Thank you. Thank you.

Todd!

Um, I'd like to cook you dinner, to say thank you.

A romantic dinner? Well, a dinner.

But at my flat, not yours. Yours is disgusting. It's filthy.

I'd rather spend the evening up a tramp's arsehole...

Oh, hey, that sounds great, but I got to go.

OK. Well, thank you.

Thunder Muscle is about energy, it's about dynamism,

it's about vitality, OK?

We're not selling a drink, we're selling a dynamic lifestyle,

and we think you'd be the perfect new face for Thunder Muscle.

What do you say? How much do I get?

Well, I'm authorised to go as high as ¤50,000.

I want pounds.

Oh, sure, yeah, yeah. Dollars, pounds, whatever.

OK, I'm thinking 20,000 up front.

Then, based on how effective the ads are,

we negotiate bonus points... what do you say?

You said you'd go up to 50,000.

Well, that's as high as I can go,

but let's start with 20,000. No, I'll take 50,000.

Well, OK, uh,

perhaps I made a slight mistake in telling you how high we can go,

but let's start with 25,000, then, we'll negotiate... 50.

OK, Steve, you don't get it.

Uh, all right, you're twistin' my arm here.

Let's say 30,000. I think you don't get it.

I want £50,000, or I'm out the door.

OK, 50,000 it is. Deal.

All right. Great.

All right, I wanna get started on this right away.

Yeah, I can't do Tuesdays.

I take my recycling to the tip on Tuesdays.

Sure, uh, no Tuesday. No, no Tuesdays.

All right, uh, Steve Davis,

¤50,000...

oh, whoa, whoa, whoa.

No, not dollars, but English pounds.

When in Rome, eh?

The English way.

OK, there you go.

Excuse me, mate. Is this your 50p up here?

Yeah, I've gotta go.

OK, lookin' forward to it.

Sweet! Well, done. That was brilliant!

That was some good negotiation skills.

I love the way that you didn't let him let you let him

take "no" for an answer. Yeah, yeah.

Um...

Who is he again? Steve Davis.

He's a world champion snooker player.

Ah. I should call the head office.

Let them know the good news.

Oh, I'm sure they'll be very excited.

Oh, I think so, too. Oh, yeah. Yeah.

PHONE RINGING Oh, I'd better get this.

Hello.

Hello, this is Todd Margaret in the London office.

Bollocks!

Hey. Hi. You found your way?

Yeah. Well, you look very, uh, adult.

Pretty... like a pretty adult.

That's lovely. Thank you. I brought you flowers!

Oh, no.

Oh, I mean, that's sweet, but it's too much.

Todd, it's just a bit of dinner. Oh...

Here, put this on. I can't look at you in that.

Did you used to be really fat?

No, it's my ex-boyfriend's shirt. Oh.

Hey, Alice, big news.

Thunder Muscle took a huge step today.

Oh, yeah? We signed Steve Davis

to an exclusive endorsement deal.

£50,000.

Who? Steve Davis.

He's an internationally famous snooker player,

bigger than Beckham.

Oh, speak of the devil. Steve Davis is here?

Hi, you must be Todd.

Yeah, hi. It's a nice shirt.

ALICE GIGGLES I still wear it in bed.

Hello, I'm Hudson.

Ho-how are you? Good.

Oh, don't mind me. I just popped down to see Alice.

Oh, oh. Yeah, yeah. OK. Cool.

Well, uh, ah, it was nice to meet ya.

See ya later. We're gonna have dinner.

Oh, no, no. Hudson's down for the weekend.

He's stayin' here. Oh, you-you're st...

Oh, uh. Oh, you're stay... Oh, OK... you're staying here.

Yeah, I came down from Leeds. Of course you did.

Excuse me?

No, I can hear your accent, so I figured.

Well, I'm from Canterbury, actually. I'm just working in Leeds.

I'm directing the new Cribs video.

OK, sit down, you two. I hope you're both hungry.

Alice...

I'm always hungry for whatever you got.

COYLY: Oh, that's nice.

Alice, when it comes to whatever you've got,

I'm always hungry.

OK. Thanks for that, Todd.

OK, shall we eat? I'll be mother.

There you go.

Tell me if you want seconds or anything.

Everyone tuck in.

What-what is this?

Oh, it's just a flash-frozen...

BOTH: ..de-ionized oxtail toothpaste.

My favourite. I know.

It-it comes with a Grenache of, um, devolved pancetta gas.

That's what's in there.

Just pop these off and stick your straw in. Suck it up.

Ham farts?

No, not ham farts...

pancetta gas.

Brush appetit.

Mmm.

Mmm, mmm.

That is...

That's good.

Are you finished with your plates?

Mm-hm.

Alice, that was really, really good. Thank you.

You ready for dessert? Yeah.

OK, I'll just print it out.

And I love your place, too. It's really, uh, you know, cosy.

Yeah, it's one of those places you just wanna lie in bed all day.

No offense, Todd, but your place is a total shit hole.

Oh, that place? Well, that's temporary,

you know, while my, uh, real place is being renovated.

Oh, well, that makes more sense,

because you're the head of a big company. Mm-hm.

Where's your new place? Uh, it's over the bridge.

Oh, whi-which bridge?

You know that one that, um, goes over the water.

There's-there's a street it's on.

Hey, Hudson, you look like a bit of a sports meat head.

You're never gonna guess who I met today.

Steve Davis, famous snicker player.

Signed him to an exclusive deal with Thunder Muscle.

He's bigger than Beckham. OK. Good for you.

Yep. Did a little wheelin' and dealin'.

Got him down to ¤50,000.

I thought you said £50,000? Yeah, dollars, pounds, same diff.

Well, no... not at all. There's quite a difference.

Well, well, how?

Because of the exchange rates.

What... you're saying it costs money to exchange it?

Then I just won't exchange it.

Yeah, but it doesn't work that way.

Surely you understand about exchange rates?

Yeah. Oh, right! Exchange rates.

OK. Here we are...

dessert. Oh. Thanks.

Great... Mmm.

A toast. Yeah.

To a delicious meal.

And an even more delicious woman.

Not that I'd know. I don't. Is she?

You know, don't answer that. Just, you know, I'm sure she is.

Is she?

She is. You are. I'm sure.

Evenin'. After you.

Let's talk, my friend.

Yeah, but I thought that Colin was wonderful in Single Man.

He was wonderful, but I think it was Tom Ford's,

you know, imagery that really lifted that film.

Have seen Prophet? Oh, yeah. It's amazing.

Yeah. I went to see, um, a Q&A by the director. Right.

The Renoir in Russell Square. He was amazing.

He actually had very similar views to you

about the language of few, you know...

Sorry, Todd, we were just, um...

Hudson's just won a couple of Genies for his film

A Dusk In The Belly Of God.

Canadian Oscars. Yeah, tell him about it.

It's about two priest brothers who try to come to terms

with their mother's death by building a boat.

Is it in 3D?

No. Not interested.

See, no offence, Hudson...

..but to me, the mark of a true director

is what one doesn't see.

In 3D? That just doesn't make sense.

Well, it's like my dad says...

Oh... I'm sorry.

He recently passed.

SOBBING: Oh, my papa!

Todd! What are you doing?!

What? You scared the shit out of me!

Jesus... your nut allergy! They're chocolate-covered hazelnuts!

You said you were allergic to nuts. What? Oh, no!

WAILING

FORCED GROANING

Oh, I'm allergic to nuts, too. I've got epinephrine in my bag.

OK, well, I'll an ambulance... I should call an ambulance.

No, it's not that bad!

It's clearing up! It's clearing up! I'll get you some water!

No, don't call an ambulance! No, it's goin' away. Look.

It was a little one. You nearly gave me a heart attack.

Do you wanna lie down?

Ow! Jeez! Ooh!

What is that... God! What did-did-did...

YELLING AND STAMMERING

What have you d... YELLING CONTINUES

Do something! It isn't working.

YELLING

It's not working, inject him again! No-no-no-no.

Stick it in him again! STAMMERING IN DISAGREEMENT

STAMMERING

He's gonna be OK.

He's just had a reaction to the epinephrine.

Nothing out of the ordinary, just massive erection,

shat himself, but he'll be fine.

Thank you, Hudson. Thank you so much. It's OK.

All right, sir, get some rest and, uh, change your pants.

HE GROANS

What is the exchange rate in dollars to pounds?

Uh, it's a little more than one and a half.

So £50,000 would be...

About ¤80,000.

HE GROANS

PHONE RINGS Oh, I'll get it for you.

Brent Wilts. No, no, no.

Hey, nut breath, how's it goin'? Good, really good. What's up?

I'm very psyched about those sales numbers. Impressive.

'Hey, listen, I'm in Lisbon'

at this frickin' boat show that sucks... No, thanks.

'So I'm kinda freed up and I'm gonna come see you tomorrow.'

DIAL TONE

I come for Mr Todd.

Is you Alice? Yeah.

VIOLIN PLAYS

Is this right?

You say come at ten.

You say it will, uh, "seal the deal."

HE GROANS