Original subtitles

'Previously on The Increasingly Poor Decisions Of Todd Margaret...'

How would you like to go to London? Sell energy drinks to the UK?

I was looking for Dynamic Integrated Business Solutions?

Wh-What's your name? Dave.

How are you planning to sell all this shit?

We have found a suspect package, and we are gonna blow it up.

Oh! That's my luggage!

Two weeks ago, I made the mistake of sleeping with you.

That mistake doesn't make me your girlfriend.

Pleased to meet you. Pleased to meet you.

And here is a gentleman's kiss for a true princess of the kitchen.

You grew up in Leeds?

My dad lives in Leeds. Lived in Leeds.

He's dead. Cos I did grow up in Leeds, if anybody asks.

I'm just saying... Ooh!

Pervert. And if I see you again, I'll rip your balls off!

Mmm! You love it, don't you? Have another.

Show 'em how much you love it. You gotta show 'em your energy.

You don't need another one. No! I want one!

Oh, oh! I'd like to buy a can of Thunder Muscle.

TEARFULLY: You're a nice lady.

MAN: The charges include child endangerment,

espionage, embezzlement... GROWING COMMOTION

..persistent public urination,

impersonating a gentleman.

Order! Order! Silence in court!

GAVEL BANGS

HE WHISTLES TUNE

Morning, Mr Margaret. Buttered scone?

Hey, thanks, Jimmy.

HE CONTINUES WHISTLING

Morning, Todd. You need to sign off on the Leeds account,

and your three o'clock's been moved to 16:00,

and your lunch with Simon Cowell is fish and chips.

Fish and chips again? That's all I eat! I know. I'm sorry, sir.

How's the cat? Did my dad call? PHONE RINGING

Yeah, but you said he's dead, remember?

Oh, right, right. Answer your telephone!

Hey, could somebody answer the phone, please?

Todd, my date's here. Do I have to do everything myself?

You need to go. BABY CRIES FAINTLY

I have to do everything myself! PHONE CONTINUES RINGING

PHONE RINGING, BABY CRYING

HE GROANS

Hello?

Good afternoon, Todd Margaret.

This is Todd. It certainly is.

Who is this? It's me, mate.

Oh, hey, Dave. Dave. There you go.

Are you all right, Todd?

You drank a lot of that Thunder Muscle yesterday.

Yeah. Uh... Did we sell any Thunder Muscle?

Nope, not a single can. Not a one.

Oh, damn it. But anything can happen. The day's not over yet.

Well, I mean, it nearly is.

Wait, why? Wh-What time is it? Uh, 1:45.

What? Oh, uh, shit!

OK, yes. I'll be in the office in a minute. OK. Ta-ta.

KNOCK AT DOOR

Yeah.

KNOCKING CONTINUES Yes, coming!

Oi! What are you on about?

I was using the phone.

Oh. Nice place, Mr Posh!

I'm sorry. Can I ask you not to, uh, smoke in here, please?

Oh, yeah, sorry. Sorry.

No, don't... Mum, the baby's eaten all me Cheestrings.

Oi!

What have I told you about nickin' other people's Cheestrings?

Kids, huh? Ain't worth half as much as they used to be.

Well, it was very nice to meet you. Uh, thanks for coming in.

Oh! Are you American?

Pam's got somethin' of a thing for Americans.

Oh, I'm from Leeds... fortunately. Oh.

Ah! Think my waters are breaking.

Oh, I don't wanna make a mess. All right. C'mon. See you later.

All right. Come on, Sambuca.

Are you me new daddy?

LIQUID TRICKLING

# Life is short And the days are long

# Gotta get right back Where I don't belong... #

Morning. Piss off.

A coffee...

Oh, this place. Alice.

Alice?

Oh, Jesus. Last night...

you were just, uh... That was amazing.

I mean, for me to come, like I did, you know...

all over the place. I-I made quite a mess, and... Oh!

I see you've heard about Thunder Muscle.

Yeah, that's the poisonous crap

that made you go mental in here yesterday.

I-I looked it up on Google,

and the Korean translates as "bad sanitation,

"caution to proceed with beverage". I don't see a problem with that.

You don't see a problem with that? No. It's... Thunder Muscle's good.

Thunder Muscle's good. All right.

If it wasn't the poisonous crap that made you go mental,

you must've been drunk. No, I don't drink.

Oh, yes, I had a few beers, for salesman purposes, but...

Uh, the reason I APPEARED drunk

was because I was actually woozy, light-headed,

because of all the blood I had donated earlier in the day.

You gave blood? Yes.

First thing I do when I go to a new country is donate blood.

Not that this is a new country,

cos I spent my summers in Leeds with my dad, who recently died.

Yeah, we were pretty close, Dad and I. He was a good man.

That's a lovely thing to do. Where did you donate blood?

Um, I donated it to a...

sick little English girl. Cancer. Oh.

Well, you know, if... if she gets better,

you bring her in here, and she can have... I can't, cos she's dead.

She... Yeah. Already? Yeah, yeah. It was tragic.

Her body rejected my blood.

It was too good. Too rich, really.

It's like when you go to an expensive restaurant

and you have a really nice meal, and it's creamy, and you love it,

but then it's like, afterwards, like, "I don't know,

"that was too much." You know? "I feel sick...er."

OK. Well... thanks, Todd.

I've gotta get on here. You know, I'm busy.

I've gotta make money to pay for all the stuff you broke yesterday,

so, you know, unless you're gonna order some food, or...

Alice, Alice, I fully intend to replace anything I broke or damaged.

I mean, it's the least I could do.

Hmm. Well, it's not the least I could do.

You know, I could go, "Hey, kiss my ass, bitch!

"I ain't paying you shit. Boom!"

Hey, what's wrong with you?! No. Um, all right.

Wh-What's the most expensive thing you have on your menu?

It's the Gutbuster breakfast.

OK. Alice, I would like to order...

let's say 32 Gutbuster breakfasts

and 32 large, fresh-squeezed orange juice.

Put it on my card, expense account.

OK. I will.

Morning, Dave. Evening.

Breakfast?

Er, no.

Juice? No bag juice for me. Thank you.

All right. Well, I'll set 'em here, in case you want 'em later.

Oh, this was weird.

I went on Google Earth earlier to check out 21 and 50 Church Avenue -

you know, where you spent your summers in Leeds. Yeah.

How long were you gonna keep that a secret from me?

Uh, wh-what?

21 Church Avenue.

You lived in a hospital!

Yeah. Well, here's the thing.

My dad... I didn't wanna say it as, uh, it's embarrassing,

but my dad had a bit of a temper, so I spent half of my time there.

Oh, I thought you said you had great times with your dad.

I did.

I was... really a masochist back then,

so, you know, it worked out.

But, hey, listen to this. Good news - I'm going on a date.

Really? Yeah. Who's the lucky prostitute?

No, seriously. You know Alice, from the cafe?

Oh, what, her mum? No, her. I'm going on a date with her.

I figure, you know,

I owe her, cos of yesterday and all that stuff,

and, uh, I told her I'd take her to the pub for dinner.

Ah, the pub! What a true gentleman.

That I am.

Um, would you call them and make a reservation for two for six o'clock?

I don't think they do reservations.

Excuse me, was that just you undermining my authority?

No. Do not make me give you another verbal warning.

Reservation it is, then.

Oh, before I forget, something came for you in the post today.

It's a company chequebook

and your very own company mobile phone,

with the number of the head office pre-set.

Whoa, pre-set! Yeah.

Oh, and Mr Wilts called. Huh? Oh, what did he want?

He wants to know "how the sales are going, you wilted prick".

His words, of course. Well, except for "wilted".

I added that.

All right. Uh, well, here goes nothin'.

Hey, numbnuts. Is that you?

Hey, Mr Wilts. How's it going over there?

Good, good. You making me any money?

Oh, yeah. You were right, sir. The Brits love their energy drinks.

Ooh, tell me about it.

TODD LAUGHS

'So?' What?

Get the cock out of your ear, dumbfuck.

I just said tell me about it!

Oh, right. Uh... Well, um...

Uh, I m-made a number of sales already,

uh, to different, uh, business... Oh, hang on one second.

There's my other line.

PHONE RINGS Yeah?

Dave, Dave, give me the name of a local family-run store.

Er... Sainsbury's.

'OK, got it. Thanks, Dave.'

Yeah, just made a sale at Sainsbury's...

Dave, would you mind calling the salesman hall of fame

and tell them to score one for the big guy?

What did you somehow manage to do?

I just told Wilts about the big sale.

What big sale? The big sale we're about to make.

How's that? Here's what I want you to do.

I want you to go to this Sainsbury guy, all right?

Take him a case of Thunder Muscle.

W-Wait, me? Yeah, you.

Give it to him - free. "Hey, we like your little store.

"We wish you luck with it." Wh-Why am I doing this?

Because I have a date, remember?

Then you take a couple snaps, all right? E-mail 'em to Wilts.

Get him off my back.

Tell him we'll stock his whole store half price next.

Doesn't really sound like a very good plan.

That's your second verbal warning.

There it is, right there.

I didn't get to be a top ace salesman

by not knowing how to plan... plans.

Sorry, boss. OK.

Apology accepted.

All right. Well, I'm gonna go back to my apartment,

change my clothes, get ready for my date.

I smell like piss.

Your clothes were blown up, remember?

Right. Hey, you need some nice clothes for tonight.

I mean, you can hardly go down there in urine-soaked, shit-stained...

No, I didn't shit myself.

Didn't you? No, I didn't.

Oh, that's interesting, cos you smell like piss AND shit.

I didn't! All right, I believe you.

Anyway, you need some nice clothes for tonight,

and if I were you, I'd go to...

TODD LAUGHS

I'm sorry.

No disrespect, but, Dave, you're clearly not me.

You know, I want to impress her. Know what I mean?

Oh, I get it. Cos, you know, I dress like a loser,

and you wanna look like... A gentleman?

Like a proper English gentleman. Bingo.

Not a typical American twat.

Exactly. Well, here's what you're gonna do.

This is the name

of a very well-respected gentleman's outfitters.

They should have you looking like a proper English gent in no time.

All right. OK, great.

Thanks for that, Dave. No worries, mate.

I will head there straight away and then get ready for my big date.

Oh! You never know.

How you doin'?

Probably shouldn't be doin' this.

I got a girl back, uh... back home, but that's 9,000 miles away.

She'll never know, right?

It'd break her heart, though, if she found out.

Ugh, it's been months. I HAVE to get laid.

Well, I thought you said you slept with that guy Ted, or...

Todd, the crying guy.

Oh. I totally forgot about him.

You know what? I was totally wasted on cough syrup and fell asleep.

I don't think that counts.

Well, here. Yeah.

Here you go. Thank you. Oh, uh, name's Todd Margaret.

I'm here from America, and I am selling Thunder Muscle.

So why don't you take a free sample?

MEN SPEAK OWN LANGUAGE

I have heard of this. Is this yours?

Uh, it's yours now. Please. My... My gift to you.

THEY CHUCKLE

Uh, how late are you guys open till tonight?

Cos I may have to come back later, cos, uh, I may run out,

cos there's only three in here,

so I may, uh, end up going through all these tonight.

I mean, what are they thinking?

For regular guys, you know, you need at least six.

Um, listen, ma'am. If you are, uh...

uh, interested, um, let me give you my business card.

It's got all my information on it.

And if you're interested in the drinks, or, you know...

just maybe you and I going out for a drink, uh, sometime...

Um...

Here are my deets. Uh, Todd.

Mehtap. Mehtap.

A beautiful name for a beautiful hair...

do on you.

Alice! Hello.

HE CHUCKLES Hey.

Why are you dressed like that? I wanted to look nice for you.

Dave suggested where to go.

Where's that? 1872?

I don't know the name of the store.

Can I have my cheque? Yeah, but don't you want your free meal first?

Meal? Oh...

Oh, I-I thought we'd have a quick drink,

a-and then you'd give me my cheque for the damages.

That's why I said, "Meet me at the pub." For dinner.

Oh. Well, I'm not really that hungry.

I made a reservation and everything.

Oh. So...?

Oh, OK. We can eat it quick.

Good! Yeah, it'll be good.

Hi. Name's Margaret, table for two.

Margaret? That's a girl's name.

I booked a table for two, six o'clock?

You what?

I had my people call and book a table for two. What you on about?

Y-You don't need to book... Alice, Alice, I've got this.

SPEAKING SLOWLY: I booked a table, IE...

made a reservation on the telephone

for six o'clock.

Did you, now?

Yes. How classy of you.

Let me just show you to your table.

Thank you. One of those.

Can I have a manager to checkout number five, please?

I'm getting a message to notify

all local and national emergency services.

Sir, where did you get this?

Er, just down there.

The good thing is, it was all stuff I was gonna replace, anyway.

Really? Yeah, yeah.

I'd like to turn my cafe into a molecular gastronomy restaurant.

I love molecular gastronomy! I'm just having a bit of difficulty

getting my landlord to give me a booze licence.

That's all you need? A liquor licence?

I think part of the problem is it's a small business. Done.

But if I was a big business, then, you know, it's...

Hm?

Done. I'll call America, set it up.

Really? How would you do that?

Alice... HE LAUGHS

All right. I'm sorry... I don't mean to sound condescending,

but I work for a huge international company.

I think procuring a liquor licence for a little cafe in England...

probably the least of my difficulties. Sorry.

PHONE RINGS

Oh, that's work. I gotta get this. Sure.

Sorry. It's my director of strategy. What's up, big dog?

Yeah. Erm, I sent those pictures over to Wilts, like you asked,

but it didn't go down too well with Sainsbury's. Why, what happened?

They had some kind of problem with me leaving a toxic drink there.

Toxic? Hey, that's slander.

You know, we... uh, uh... No. Screw that guy.

You go back there and tell him,

"Hey, you wanna go deep-sea diving with the big boys?

"You best be prepared to run into a giant squid every now and then."

What? WHISPERS: I'm the giant squid.

All right. So, what should I do?

Well, tell him to get a lawyer.

Tell him to hire ten lawyers. I don't give a shit.

Tell him I'm gonna have him sellin' bananas at a banana place,

but in Poland, probably. What the hell are you talking about?

I'll see him in court.

Ugh, Alice, I am so sorry that you had to hear that.

It's fine.

But that is the downside of business.

It's a brutal world. And, you know, I got a theory...

You wanna run with the bulls in Pamplona? Who doesn't, right?

But you better be prepared to literally get gored up the ass

by a figurative horn, but from a literal bull, right?

Yeah.

Either way, it's gonna hurt, is my point.

I'm Todd Margaret. I don't scare easily.

Hm.

Um, hey, uh, uh, what do you... Let's get out of here.

What do you say? I'm not finished. I mean, neither are you.

Aren't you trying to watch your figure? What?! Come on, woman.

You know, it's... it's the nuts. I'm allergic to nuts.

Right over there, and I can't even be around them.

You eat a nut, I'll have a reaction.

I need you to shield me from the nuts. OK.

Come on, really bad. Sorry. That's... That's a bad allergy.

I... It's like mushroom soup coming through my eyeballs.

MACHINE BEEPING

You know, when we first got to the pub,

I thought, you know, "This is hideous.

"I'm just gonna have a quick drink, out of politeness,

"and then make some excuse about feeding my bees or something."

SHE LAUGHS

But, you know, it just turned out to be quite good fun. Yeah.

I-I had a great time. Good.

Do you wanna come up?

Um... Use the toilet?

Oh... To urinate in...

Or worse? That was a big ol' shepherd's pie you ate.

Yeah. I could, uh, use the toilet.

But, you know, for the... for the former, not...

I don't need to... I'm fine. OK, yeah.

Should be flushed already.

SHE LAUGHS What's all this?

This isn't for me, is it? You didn't think...

SHE LAUGHS I thought...

Oh, no! For... Oh, for you?

Nah. No. This isn't for you.

What? You thought this was for you? Don't be silly!

BOTH LAUGH

God, no. Whew!

No, no, no. I didn't even think you'd come back here.

You know, not that you wouldn't, but I'm saying this would imply

that I had thought about it, which I didn't, at all.

This is actually for... You know, this is one of those things.

It's for the girl with cancer. I thought you said she was dead.

Tired. "Dead tired" is what I said.

Oh. Oh, well, that's sweet.

Look, you got her a little... a little teddy.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And some flowers and a...

Well, you don't have to... OK.

Wh-Why would you buy a little girl with cancer

a box of condoms?

She's not that little.

Uh, I mean, she's already sexually active.

A bit of a whore, really. I mean, that's how she got cancer.

HE WHISPERS: The mouth.

And they're chocolate-covered.

They're chocolate-covered, uh...

con... Kids.

To teach kids... how to eat... con...

Well, I-I'm just gonna...

I'm just gonna quickly use the loo, and, um...

Um, perhaps someplace else. Um...

I've gotta go, because, um, I've gotta get up early and feed my bees.

Oh, yeah. You make your own honey. Yeah.

All right. Well, I had a great time, and, uh...

Uh, I guess, uh...

Oh, boy.

Well, I guess it's official. This is the...

awkward... part of the evening.

Not really. I'll see you tomorrow. OK.

Uh, can I walk you to a cab?

No, I'm fine. Or just maybe... Yeah.

Oi! Mr La-de-da, is that you? Hey, Pam.

I've got an emergency. Why, what?

I need 20 Benson and a litre of White Lightning.

I can't send the kids, cos they're still out at work.

That's medicine? Yeah. SHE GROANS THEATRICALLY

Wh-Where do I go? Just go to Sainsbury's, just around the corner.

He'll be open this late? Yes.

You got money? No. Argh!

What, Bensons in the diamond pack, or...?

20 Benson and a litre of White Lightning!

Go on, go. Argh!

SHE STOPS GROANING Fuckin' hell.

TANNOY: 'Customer announcement.

'Sainsbury's will be closing in ten minutes. Thank you.'

Excuse me? Uh, this is Sainsbury's?

Yeah.

Is it a local grocery store? I suppose.

Is this the only one? No. There's about 1,000 of 'em.

Do you think they have a good legal department?

# Life is short And the days are long

# Gotta get right back Where I don't belong

# Life's still sweet It's a good thing that's gone

# Things are gonna get worse. #

BIRDS SQUAWK