Original subtitles

- ♪ Look up there ♪ - ♪ What do you see? ♪

♪ Nature and stuff ♪

- ♪ Like a rock ♪ - ♪ And a tree ♪

♪ Oh, the Great North ♪

♪ Way up here, you can breathe the air ♪

♪ Catch some fish ♪

♪ Or gaze at a bear ♪

♪ Wow ♪

♪ Oh, the Great North ♪

♪ Here we live, oh, oh ♪

♪ Here we'll stay, oh, whoo ♪

♪ From longest night to longest day ♪

♪ In the Great North. ♪

Now remember, people are gonna see this banner

right when they walk in the door for the Lil' Prommers Prom Prep.

For Lil' Preppers Practice Prom, so it can't be crooked.

- Okay, how does that look? - Uh... perfect.

- Meow. Meow. - Moon, you okay there?

You only involuntarily meow when you're extremely stressed.

I'm not stressed.

- Meow. - Oh, I see.

Is today the day you ask Quinn to the dance?

Oh, boy. It's good that he's just meowing.

We'll know he's really nervous if he...

Aw, come on, Moon! As a fellow Prepper,

I'm sure you've run through every possible scenario.

What's the worst thing that could happen?

- I die. - I'm sure she'll say "yes."

You're one of the Top Ten Most Eligible Preppers.

You're smart, you're funny, you own your own bear suit.

Moon, go.

Hey, Quinn, it's Moon. From school?

Hi, Moon. I knew it was you, because of how I can see you.

Cool. Cool. Anyway, I was just thinking, um,

I'm going to the Lil' Prommers Prom Prep.

For Lil' Preppers Practice Prom.

You're going to the Lil' Prommers Prom Prep.

For Lil' Preppers Practice Prom, so

what if we went together?

Oh. No.

No. No. No. No.

No. No...

Meow.

Oh, my God, everybody,

Moon just asked Quinn to the dance, but she said, "No."

Moo.

Oh, God, he mooed a meow!

Does anyone know the science on that?!

Maybe it would have been better if he died.

Son, I ironed

your suit for the Lil' Practice Prommers... Ah.

I see you're packing your most prized possessions

into a duffel bag.

- I assume this means you're going off-grid? - Yup.

Well, may I ask what triggered

this latest rupture with society?

School? Siblings? Social circle? Lady troubles?

Troubles doesn't begin to describe it.

Mm, I see. I fear I also have been in your shoes.

I wish I could make this better for you,

but some time in the woods alone is indeed one

of the only known cures.

Thank you. I'll need that headlamp,

and that family-size bag

of Captain Aloof's Cheezy Poofs, please.

The weather band said

a Chinook wind might blow through tonight.

So I would also ask you to take a walkie-talkie

- in case of emergency. - All right, but where I'm going,

it's gonna be a lot more walkie than talkie.

Goodbye, Father.

Remember to report to the van at 0800 hours.

You may go off the grid, but not off the school attendance list.

Ah. This is the life.

And with each moment, I care less and less

about you-know-who saying you-know-what

about the little you-know-what prep

for you-know-what practice you-know-what.

Aah! Oh.

Chinook wind.

Nice try, nature. You're not gonna get rid of me that easy!

Mysterious figure in a gas mask

and Hazmat suit running through the woods?

Oh, you better believe I'm gonna see where the hell this leads.

Code Wintermint!

Code Wintermint!

Wintermint. Wintermint.

"Wintermint: Mysterious figure in gas mask

"sighted on Tobin property disappearing

into locked hatch in the ground"?

This is why I never remove my under-poncho

during rainy season.

Ah, man, you guys woke me up from the craziest dream.

The Mucinex Booger made me dinner,

but we couldn't eat until I sneezed?

And then I did, and it was such a good sneeze

that The Mucinex Booger was crying!

And now I'm in the woods with a frying pan.

Judy, uh, what's the, uh, book for?

Y-You gonna use it as a weapon?

Maybe. It's 1001 Irish Jokes.

If he's Irish, he could be devastated.

Okay, weapons ready. We're almost there.

The hatch door is camouflaged to look like the ground.

That's probably why we never noticed it before.

Attention, trespasser: Please show yourself!

Nice try, ya crummy commies!

You'll never take me alive!

Uh, we are not commies,

and we mean you no harm. What is your name?

My name's Mind Your Own Business,

Boris, Nuclear Mutant of the Eternal Wasteland!

And my name is Beef Tobin. You're on my property.

- Did you say "Beef Tobin"? - Affirmative.

If you're a Tobin, then prove it.

Do the Tobin handshake.

There is no Tobin handshake.

Correct. That was a test, and you passed.

I'm Dirtrude, but I just go by "Dirt."

My God! Legendary long-lost Tobin family member Aunt Dirt?

Well, Benny Goodman's blowhole, you found me!

Sorry for calling you commies, but you can't be too careful.

I'd rather be apologizing to you here

than bending the knee to Brezhnev in Moscow,

- if know what I mean. - Absolutely.

Aunt Dirt, I can't believe it's really you.

Believe it, buddy boy. Your dad's big sister.

Dirtrude Gertrude Tobin.

Uh-huh, uh-huh.

So is this place, like, your She Shed

or your murder dungeon?

This is my survival bunker, doll face.

I've lived here since the Soviets invaded America.

Wait. When did that happen?

- It did not. - It did! It was Good Friday,

March 27, 1964, when the Earth shook

as their tanks rumbled ashore.

I believe you are actually referring

to the great Alaskan earthquake of 1964,

during which you disappeared and were presumed dead.

Better presumed dead than red, you know what I mean?

Your version of off-the-grid is off the charts.

It's amazing that you were able

to survive down here this whole time.

Survive? I thrived, short stack.

I got everything a 25-year-old woman could ever want

or need in this baby: Canned beans,

the collected works of Ray Bradbury,

a 1963 cheesecake calendar from Skagway Studebaker Sales

and Service for, um... company.

- Is that... - Yup, the TC-320 Carbonizer,

a world-class urine filtration system.

- Wow. - Turns my tinkle

into clean, potable drinking water

that barely even tastes like tinkle.

Just a hint, but you want that.

Oh, thank you so much, but I, uh

had tinkle for lunch.

Ooh. Doctor Bojangles' Energy Crackers.

Ugh! These are awful. Ugh!

And yet, I can't stop eating them.

These crackers make me want to start a business.

I'm talking synergy. I'm talking seed funding.

I'm talking leverage. I'm still talking.

Judy, uh, it looks like...

Dr. B.'s E.C.'s are mostly ephedrine,

which is speed, so maybe don't eat anymore.

Yup. Yup. Yup. Yup. Yup. Yup. Just this box.

And, hey, Ham, let's roll some calls.

- Get my boy Greek on the line. - On it!

Oh, and let's have Kevin order a bunch of sushi

for when the investors arrive. Kevin!

Wait. So, Aunt Dirt, if you came down here in 1964,

does that mean you've never seen a single movie?

Babe, they had movies before 1964.

That can't be right.

Well, don't you worry, Aunt Dirt.

Me and Honeybee will introduce you

to the magical world of the moving image.

We can pick out all the best movies you missed

while you were down here and catch you up.

The list basically writes itself.

Number one with a bullet:

The Judi Dench masterpiece, Nanny Fanny.

What? You're going Nanny Fanny

when Away In A Danger starring The Rock is out there?

- He humiliated those dumb-ass Wise Men. - Fair point.

Ooh, and we can't forget

the Look Who's Talking cinematic universe.

There will be plenty of time to bring Aunt Dirt up to speed.

Oh, another great movie. Speed!

- I love speed. - Oh, hell, yeah!

Okay, I'm gonna collect all of these to burn

while you guys get dressed.

Then let's take Aunt Dirt to Maude's All Day

for a modern breakfast before I drop you kids at school.

Aunt Dirt, is it okay if I stay down here instead?

This place fully rips.

Of course. Make yourself at home.

Uh, you have school, but you can come down here

and rip when you get home.

Oh, I almost forgot.

You will not need a gun at breakfast, Aunt Dirt.

Ha! That's what they'd like you to think.

Stop playing their game, sweetie pie.

Cary Grant's anus,

- I forgot my smokes. - Oh, no, your smokes!

Uh, you can't smoke

in any public spaces anymore, Aunt Dirt.

- Not even in hospitals? - Aunt Dirt, you were

in the bunker for 60 years.

A lot's changed in that time.

Shirley Temple's balls! 60?

Wow. I'm over 80 years old.

Hot dog! This is great news!

Daddy can no longer pressure me to get hitched

and become a baby-making machine.

How is Daddy, by the way?

- Mm... - All right.

Yeah, if I'm 80-something, then, uh... Math.

Thanks for the coffee, sweetie.

- Honk. - Hey, now!

- Aunt Dirt! - Sorry. She's from the past.

What's the big deal? Back in my day,

honking a boob was basically a handshake.

Oh, it happens. Ma'am, that'll be a dollar for the honk jar.

Pay the broad.

What's the matter with this one?

I believe he is dreading going to school.

Ugh. I know how that is. I hated school.

But cheer up, champ.

You're almost old enough to work at a factory.

Or if you're lucky, get drafted.

I would kill to be drafted.

Then I could skip that stupid dance.

The dance? Let me guess... some hot number turned you down?

Quinn. She didn't even give me a reason, just a flat-out "no."

Well, she probably has a reason. Most likely diphtheria.

Huh. Maybe you're right.

Put it on his tab, toots!

Don't forget to ask your chippie if she's got the dip pie.

Hey, Beef, you think you could take me by Woolworths?

I want to get a new FM radio so I can hear

Freddie Frost-Tone's Alaskan Boogie Minute.

Well, there hasn't been a Woolworth's here

for about 40 years,

and Freddie Frost-Tone tragically

and ironically burned to death in the '90s.

All right, fine.

There's a couple other places I want to get my peepers on.

But first things first.

Whatever these things are, they freaking chafe.

- Hi, Quinn. - Hi, Moon.

Out of curiosity, do you have diphtheria?

No, but thank you so much for asking.

Is there a thick grey-white coating covering the back

of my throat, nose and tongue that I am unaware of?

Uh, no, I just thought maybe you said "no"

to going to the dance with me because you have diphtheria

or some other bacterial infection.

Oh. No. I turned you down

because I'm going with someone else.

I see.

Moon! Where are you going?

It's BLT day in the cafeteria!

The hell is this crap?! They put in a mall?!

What is this... Paris? Where is Johnny Tiny's burlesque hall?

Johnny Tiny's was torn down 20 years ago

after a bunch of dancers fell off the silver moon

they descended from the ceiling on.

What a waste of legs.

A left up here. Get ready, Beef. You're about

to have the best egg cream you've ever tasted in...

Oh, my God. I'm in hell.

I live in hell now.

Please, just take me to my friend Melinda's house.

I need to see a friendly face.

Melinda's house is... this frigging crap?

I'm sorry, Dirtrude.

Just take me back to the bunker.

What in Richard Burton's butt crack? It's locked!

Sorry! Occupied!

Moon, I need you to open the door,

and more importantly,

- return to school. - Oh. No, thank you, Father.

The second I open this door,

someone could rush in and utterly reject me

in favor of some above-ground-boy.

Ah. I see. I take it Quinn doesn't have diphtheria?

She doesn't even have cholera!

Well, I'm sorry your friend is in excellent health.

I really don't love the notion of one of my kids

being in a hole in the ground all alone, but

if this is what you need, I guess I'll allow it.

But keep the walkie on.

Roger that, but if the batteries die, I'm not changing them.

All right. Care to come up with me to the main house?

I can make us some lunch. Maybe some Hot Pockets?

- Hot Pockets?! - You know what?

Let's just head in, and I'll show you what I mean.

Mmm. Now what do you call

that contraption you cooked it in again? Lenin's lunchbox?

Close. A microwave.

Now, if you like Hot Pockets,

there are many more culinary innovations

I can introduce you to.

Let me start by asking you to imagine this.

What if a hamburger could help you?

I would ask, what's in it for the hamburger?

Nothing's free in this world, son.

Aunt Dirt, since you're locked out of your bunker for now,

maybe we can all help ease you into modern living.

Ooh, yes, I'd love to do a feminist history presentation,

catch you up on that.

I'm gonna call it my "Judy X Talk,"

and I will be wearing a black turtleneck

and walking back and forth

and steepling my fingers a lot like this.

- No, thank you. - And how about

we get you going on that movie catch-up tonight?

Yeah! We can start with a double feature of two classics:

Scorsese's Mean Streets and Adam Sandler's Hubie Halloween.

Aunt Dirt, it's Moon. Do you copy?

Go for Dirtrude.

I'm in the mood for a little music.

Which of your 45s do you recommend?

Well, I was always partial to "The Atom Bomb Dance-along."

Or if you really want to boogie, I'd put on "The Polio Pounce."

♪ Doo-doo, doo-doo-doo, doo-doo, doo-doo ♪

♪ Get out your iron lung, the dance has begun ♪

♪ Now we're doin' the Polio Pounce! Whoo! ♪

Knock, knock. It's time for school.

No can do, big man.

What if I told you, after school we're taking Aunt Dirt

to the paint-ball place in Whippleton, Splattletons?

I'd say that having felt the sting of the paintball

called "romantic rejection," I care to play no more.

Ugh. Fine, Moon. One more day.

All right, son, your bunker pass is revoked,

but your pancake pass just came through.

I wish I could eat pancakes, Dad,

but having burned my tongue

on the bitter syrup of rejection,

I prefer the taste of nothing

- and the company of no one. - Hmm.

Care to dance?

Okay, I'll bite, Natalie.

What do you call a mop in space?

Oh, my God, you are so funny.

A vacuum cleaner.

Are you expecting someone?

- Go away! - I will not.

Moon, it's been four days.

- I need you to come out. - Ha! Days mean nothing.

They're an invention of the greeting card industry.

Listen, we're heading to the mall, and I can't believe

I'm saying this, but if you'll get out

of this damned hole in the ground and come with us, I'll...

I'll buy you the RS470 Vapor Crossbow Package.

What on Earth would I do with a crossbow in here, Father?

Are you joking? You've been begging me

for the RS470 every single day for two years.

I was so naive, but now my eyes are open wider than Natalie's.

Who is Natalie?

Dad, I'm not coming out for the crossbow.

Or for anything. I'm more bunker than boy now.

I'm staying in here forever!

- Can't sleep, you big galoot? - Nope.

- You? - Nope. Keep calling old friends

to catch up, and finding out they died 20 years ago. LOL.

Am I using that right? "Lots Of Loss"?

Anyway, what's Mel-ing your Tormé?

I'm just worried about Moon.

He's gone off the grid before, but never like this.

You never wanted to take a powder from the world for a bit?

Of course, I love taking a powder, but where does it end?

Yeah. Lucky for me, prom happened before I checked out.

Best night of my life.

My friend Melinda snuck in a flask of mint juleps,

and we spent the whole night dancing to Mary Wells

before we barfed beneath the northern lights together.

Sounds like a pretty groovy time.

It was absolutely boss.

All right, enough is enough.

Moon is going to his Lil' Prommers Prom Prep.

For Lil' Preppers Practice Prom

if I have to dig through the Earth's crust

and come up through the bunker floor to get him out.

Well, you don't have to go that far.

Don't tell the Russkies,

but one of the bunker walls is just straight up plywood.

Kind of ran out of bunker cash at the end.

All you got to do is dig down a couple feet,

give it a swift kick.

What in the actual hell?

Moon, the Lil' Prommers Prom Prep.

For Lil' Preppers Practice Prom is in 12 hours,

and you're gonna be there.

- Hard pass. - Enough!

I will not have you wasting your life buried in some tomb.

- Okay, rude. - Nice try, boomer!

Where did he...?

Where did my son go?!

Uh, well, I guess he discovered the back-up bunker.

The bunker has a back-up bunker?

- And you didn't tell me? - My bad.

You ever hear that one before, Beef? "My bad"?

It's just one of the fun bits of slang

I've picked up this week, and I love it.

It really sings. "My bad!"

Moon, please, you can't just live in a hole

in a hole in the ground.

I can as long as someone regularly

dribbles some beans down the air vent.

- Technically, that's true. - Son, I get it.

Your Aunt Dirt's return has made me realize

that we Tobins have a natural bunker mentality.

But your aunt and I have not set the best example for you.

What?! I'm incredible.

- Agreed! - Think of all the things

you'd miss if you really stayed in here, Moon.

I mean, the sound of your boots

crunching over freshly-fallen August snow,

or that first sip of coffee as the sun rises.

What about Deal or No Deal?

You love to watch Howie make a deal.

Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, Dad!

Aunt Dirt lived without those things, and she's perfect.

I'm gonna be just like her.

Ugh. Moon, listen.

I understand exactly how you feel.

Sometimes it feels like the whole world's one big,

scary communist trying to violently invade Alaska

and make your secret girlfriend Melinda break up with you

so she can marry Frank, the Molasses King of Wasilla.

That's not exactly how I feel.

Wait. Melinda? From the prom and the barfing?

- That's why you went in here. - Well, the, uh...

It was mostly the Soviets, but, yeah, yeah, also a little bit

the secret girlfriend marrying Frank thing.

So, you got rejected, too?

Oh, big time. When those Russian tanks rolled out of the sea...

- It was an earthquake. - Well, that was the morning

I got the news that Melinda went ahead and married Frank.

I know how that feels. Quinn didn't just say "no" to me.

She's going with someone else.

My only choice was to come in the bunker.

Just like you, Aunt Dirt.

Well, now, a few days ago, I would have agreed with you.

But since you guys coaxed me out of my hidey-hole,

I've realized how much I've missed out on.

Like Toaster Strudel.

And pornography that moves around.

And things getting better for gals like me.

- All equally amazing developments. - Hmm.

So, yeah, I get you want to be like me,

because I'm basically Vince from that movie

I watched this morning... Entourage: The Movie.

But, Moon, don't be like this part of me.

I realize you can't see me,

but I am gesturing to the bunker right now.

But what if I never get over my heartbreak?

Did you ever get over yours?

I think so. I'm actually thinking

I'm gonna ask out that spicy waitress at the diner.

You guys made a fuss, but she was eye-honking me right back.

And it might not have worked out with Quinn,

but you could meet another hotsy-totsy at a sock hop

or a clambake or a Beatles concert.

Boy, I'd love to see my favorites,

- John and George, again. - Oh, boy.

- What? - Nothing. Uh...

Uh, Aunt Dirt's right, Moon.

Your life's gonna be pretty good.

Be a shame if you missed it.

I am willing to give society one more chance,

if Aunt Dirt will honor one request.

Shoot your shot, play a.

Oh, is that not a real slang? Did Honeybee trick me?

Incredible. NASA figured out how

to make spoons out of chips, huh?

Wait till Ham hears about this.

I think Ham knows about Tostitos Scoops, Aunt Dirt.

Hi, Moon. Nice to see you this fine evening.

Hello, Quinn. Where's your date?

I'm prepared to shake his hand.

Moon, this is my date... David. David, Moon.

You turned me down for a pot-bellied pig in a vest?

He also had little pants, but he pooped them.

- And then ate them. - I see.

And I... turned you down because this is a practice prom

so I wanted to bring a practice date.

Besides, David loves to dance.

Oh. In that case, mind if I cut in?

My dance card's been empty for years.

Care to, uh, dance?

Have you seen this? The iPod Nano? Look how small it is.

Guess how many songs it can hold?

- A hundred billion. - Pretty much.

Wow. What'll they think of next?

I guess I'll find out, huh?

You can keep bringing cool stuff down to the bunker

for me to see, because the hatch is always open.

Literally, thanks to your father.

Okay, all the locks are off all the hatch doors.

Unless there's a hatch within the hatch within the hatch?

- Nope, that's it. - I just hope

no commies break in in the middle of the night.

Okay, Lenny Bruce, that's not funny.

Don't even joke about that.

I mean, if you want to joke around,

at least tell a real one. Like,

why didn't the lifeguard save the hippie?

'Cause he was too far out, man.

Ya got to help me, Doc.

I just feel so dang tired all the time.

Here, Billy, try one of these Dr. Bojangles Energy Crackers.

♪ When you're feeling kinda sluggish ♪

♪ Not so very ruggish and you pray ♪

♪ The day will simply go away ♪

♪ Have yourself a Dr. Bojangles ♪

♪ The cracker with all the angles ♪

♪ Which nine million out of ten doctors ♪

♪ Prescribe today! ♪

Captioning sponsored by BENTO BOX ENTERTAINMENT

and TOYOTA.