Original subtitles

How do you want me?

Oh, that's good. Yeah. Just get comfortabIe.

l'm a little nervous.

Nah, you're doing great.

A IittIe to the right there, gorgeous.

Okay. Like this?

Oh, that-a-girl.

Yeah.

Okay. You ready?

-Yeah. -You're blushing, Dorothy.

-Go, Kathy. -Go, Kathy.

Okay, and big smile.

Kathy Regan. I wiII aIways remember the game against FairfieId.

That one final kick.

State champions, senior year.

Hunter McCaffrey.

I wiII aIways remember aII the great times

with the dirty dozen and mackin' aII the honeys.

Cindy K., Tina B., Michelle H.

God damn! Just too many to remember.

-Yeah! -I'II aIways remember

Iacrosse champions.

AII the gIory days with the boys.

I wiII aIways remember the math club madmen.

-Look 21 . -Making the perfect fake I.D.s.

Which lasted six seconds.

-Troy Cochran. -Troy "Cock Ring."

-Troy gives good head. -Fuck you.

-I'II aIways remember... -Seniors!

...the senior prank.

-Seniors! Seniors! Seniors! -Seniors! Seniors! Seniors!

Matthew Kidman. I wiII aIways remember...

Yeah, well, l told her l wanted to try out.

We'd like to honor a student who has shown outstanding Ieadership.

We have no doubt that someday

he will be one of the great poIiticians in Washington.

The award for the brightest leader of tomorrow,

Matthew Kidman.

-l'm in! l'm in! -Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

Georgetown's taking you? That's huge!

Hey, Jenny.

-Do you have the fever? -No.

Why? Do you?

l don't know. Maybe.

How about you?

l just gotta fuck something.

I said everybody say "Ho!"

-Ho! -Ho!

You know what I say? I say this prom is gonna be off the hook!

Do you feeI me? Yeah!

Security's gonna be tight. Everybody get wasted before you show up. Yeah!

That's enough.

That's enough. I can wait.

I can wait, peopIe.

Now, here's your student counciI president,

who has a few announcements to make.

Thanks, Mr. Salinger.

AII right. How you doing?

Okay, let's start off with Operation Get Samnang.

Samnang, baby!

Yeah.

Well, we did it.

We raised the $25,000.

So, now we can bring the genius Samnang out of Cambodia

and bring him here to study at Westport.

Speaking of which, Samnang sent us a new tape.

Show that shit!

Show it!

Hi, everyone. lt's Samnang.

Yeah! Samnang!

I'm very excited to be coming soon.

-Are you excited? -Yeah!

I toId my cIass that I'm coming to America. They were sad.

-But I am so happy. -l want to bang you!

-Go, Cougars! -Yeah!

How do they just skip class every day and go to the beach?

Because they just don't care.

Let's go with 'em.

-Seriously. Let's just do it. -Why?

Because, l mean, we never do anything.

l mean, we're graduating. We should be going nuts right now.

-Let's just do something. -l am doing something. l'm going to class.

Klitz, you already got into Yale. l mean, it doesn't matter anymore.

-Yeah, Klitz, you pussy. -Well, why don't you go?

-Yeah, come on. Let's go. -Beach is for fags, Matt.

-The beach is for fags? -Yeah.

You know what? You guys are fags.

Everyone to the beach!

Let's go! Lock 'em and load 'em, dude.

Fuck it.

PersonaI power.

PersonaI power means the abiIity to act, the abiIity to take action.

There are three steps to personaI power that are necessary to produce the resuIts.

And here's number one step to personaI power. It's caIIed energy. Energy.

Now, when you wake up feeIing, Iike, reaIIy Iethargic, Iousy,

you usuaIIyjump up and go...

Oh, shit.

Hey! Pull it over!

Pull it over! Pull over!

Oh, you're home early.

Yeah, l postponed yearbook. l gotta work on my speech.

Hi, Mr. Peterson.

-Mr. President. -Mrs. Peterson.

-Congratulations. -Yeah.

Oh, thank you.

Congratulations. Georgetown. Wow. You must be flying.

Yeah, it's pretty cool.

What's the speech you're working on?

lt's for this scholarship l need to get so l can actually go to Georgetown.

lt's pretty expensive.

Yeah, what kind of scholarship is it? l mean, what do they give it for?

lt's for the student who best demonstrates moral fiber.

Moral fiber. Well, that's...

-Oh, l'm sure you'll get it. -Thanks. l mean, l hope so.

There's some stiff competition, and they only pick one of us.

So, l'll just have to blow them away with my speech.

Okay. So, why do l deserve this scholarship?

Well, John F. Kennedy once said,

"Ask not what your country can do for you,

"but what you can do for..."

Look, l don't know who she is.

l'm just saying that this girl was unbelievable.

l mean, she was like this angel.

l mean, she had this smile. I mean, you shouId have seen it.

-So, did you bang her? -Oh, yeah. Yeah. l banged her.

-That's what a man does. Okay? -Yeah. Okay, Eli.

Good.

Whoa. Oh, my God. She's so hot.

-What channel, dude? -No. The girl next door.

-l can see her through my window. -How's the rack?

God, who is this girl?

-How's the rack? -Hold on. Relax.

No, dude. You relax. Be a man and go over there.

Okay. Say what?

l don't know. Get off your ass and do something. Fuck!

-Hey, what are you doing? -What?

Hey, dude, seriously, l told you. lt really freaks me out

when you watch that while you're talking to me.

Just learn to like it.

Oh, my God.

What? Matt, what? Matt.

Dude, what the fuck?

Shit.

-Yes? -l'm sorry. l don't...

-Dan. -What's going on?

Matthew. Matthew, come down here.

What are you doing up there?

-Nothing. -Come down here.

This is Danielle.

You know Mrs. Clark from next door. Well, Danielle's her niece.

Danielle just told us something very interesting.

Mrs. Clark is in Africa for two weeks with her church group.

Did you know that?

Well, anyway, Danielle just came in from Los Angeles

and she's house-sitting while her aunt's away.

Why don't you show her around?

Such a long road, you know.

What are we doing?

-Did you like what you saw? -What are you talking about?

-Okay. l saw you for, like, an instant. -An instant?

Yeah. lt was no big deal.

No, no. lt was a big deal, but it's just that l didn't...

l'm sorry. l'm sorry.

So, what are we gonna do about this?

l mean, l said l was sorry.

-What? -You saw me.

Yeah, right. Like l'm gonna strip right here.

Are you serious?

No.

No. No. Never gonna happen.

The whole package.

No, come on. This is good enough.

Jesus! Come on. Will you relax?

Frickin' psycho.

There. You happy now?

-Yep. -Hey!

Wait!

No!

Jesus. Sorry.

You're an asshole. lt's not funny.

lt's a little funny.

Come on. Let me in. Let me in.

-lt's not funny. -lt's a little funny.

So, what else do you do besides torture people?

-Seriously. What's your story? -l don't know.

l kind ofjust quit my job.

l want to start over, maybe go to college.

So, are you here alone or...

What? What?

Just ask.

Do you have a boyfriend?

No.

Aren't you gonna ask me if l have a girlfriend?

-No. -Okay.

So, you're about to graduate. You must be going nuts right now.

Yeah. l mean...

lt's just been... Been off the hook, you know.

-Really? -Yeah.

So, what's the craziest thing you've done lately?

Oh, l mean, it's hard to tell, you know,

because we've... l've just done so much nuts stuff.

l mean, it's just off the hook, off the walls. l mean...

You haven't done anything, have you?

No.

lt's kind of been my problem lately.

Come on. There's gotta be something.

What about your girlfriend?

Okay. We can figure this out. You just... You need a girl.

What kind of girl?

Definitely someone cute.

Definitely.

Someone who can make him laugh.

But he also needs someone who's gonna push him.

Someone who's gonna make him do things he never thought he could do.

Like stripping in the middle of the street?

-Well, thanks for the ride. -No problem.

Well, good night.

Good night.

-Good night. -"Good night"?

What are you, gay? l would have nailed her.

Okay, first of all, you wouldn't have nailed her.

Whatever, dude.

And, you know, secondly, you know, the vibe was not right.

The vibe wasn't right? Dude, she comes to your house and she makes you strip, okay.

What does she have to do? Sit on your face?

Come... Come on, bitch!

Damn.

-Should have kissed her. -You okay? Dude?

All right. You all have this graph, correct?

Good. Let's move along then.

Now, it's a very simple equation here. Can anybody give me the answer to this?

All right. lf no one knows the answer to this...

Questions on this?

Yeah!

Good news, ladies and gentlemen. Pop quiz time.

That's Samnang Sok. He's this complete genius.

So, we raised all this money for him to come here and study at our school.

Who's we?

Well, l mean, l did, but...

But, you know, he could be the next Einstein, you know.

You know, he could cure cancer.

Let's go.

So, what do you want to do?

What?

-l'm not stripping again. -Come on.

Danielle.

Come on. Where are you going?

Hey, come on. Let's get out of here.

How do you know no one's home?

-l don't. -Come on.

Seriously. This is nuts.

-Boxers. -l always wear boxers.

You just caught me on a weird day.

So, what's the craziest thing you've done lately?

This is right up there.

Oh, my God.

-That's Mr. Salinger. -Who?

That's my principal. Seriously, come on. Let's go.

-lt's not funny. -lt's a little funny.

Hey. Hey.

Just go with it.

Go, go. Go, go, go.

Dude, l'm kind of uncomfortable watching this with you.

Dude, learn to like it.

l'm all wet. Can l come in?

Hey, guys. This is Danielle.

You must be Eli and Klitz. Right.

Hey, come on. We're all going out.

-Can l use your bathroom first? -lt's over here to the left.

-Dude. -l know.

-Dude, what are we doing here? -Yeah, l know.

Guys, seriously, it's gonna get broken up, like, any second now, right?

Guys?

-Hey, relax! -Chill out! Chill out!

-Get the fuck out of the way. -Sorry.

Go.

-So, what do you want to do? -Let's just chill.

-Hi, guys. -Hey. ls this your party?

No, it's a friend of mine's.

-l'm Hunter. -Danielle. This is Matthew.

-Hey, man. What's up? -What's up?

Can l get you guys something to drink?

-Yeah. -Hey, man. What's up?

-Can you come here for a second? -Yeah.

Oh, no, it's cool. They're pals.

What's up?

Yeah, man, this party's getting kind of full, bro.

-Yeah. So? -So, you're gonna have to take off.

-Really? -Yeah.

-Okay, but l'm with her. -Oh, it's cool, dude. She's taken care of.

There's the door.

Drink it!

Kevin's here!

Yo, man.

When's Samsung getting here?

-Samnang. -Yeah.

l love him.

Dude, l'm gonna do that little guy when he gets here.

Hard.

-Cool, dude. l'm sure he'll like that. -Samnang!

Excuse me.

-Dude. -l know.

What's up?

-What? -You're coming with me right now.

Everybody out. Let's move.

l said out, minions!

-Shit. -Move! Move! Faster, you little maggots.

-So, how's everything going? -Fine.

ls everything, you know, okay at home?

All right. What?

Perhaps you should have a seat.

-Perhaps you should bite me. -Perhaps.

Matthew, we live in a crazy, mixed-up world.

Crazy, but, oh, so beautiful.

ExceIIent, grasshopper.

And now for the finaI task of your training.

You're gonna need a harder piece of wood than that, cowboy.

-That's not her. -Yeah, it is.

-Oh, no. -Oh, yeah.

Matt, Matt. Dude, you're missing the best part.

Matt. l... Fuck!

Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Settle down, tiger. l know. l know.

lt's not funny. Seriously, get away from me.

-Dude, don't mess this up. -Mess what up?

Matt, she's a porn star, okay?

Take her to a motel room and bang her like a beast.

Eli, l like this girl.

And you can still like her with your penis inside her.

Matt, l'm telling you, you're gonna regret this. What would J.F.K. do?

You know he'd tap that ass.

-Eli, l'm never gonna see her again. -You know what? Fine.

-Fine. -Fine!

God damn it, Matt. l swear to God, if you don't fuck her, l'll kill myself!

Matt, please, please, Matt!

Fuck her for me! For me!

-Oh, Marci, you're so funny. -Oh, thanks.

l just saw you naked.

What?

Don't worry, honey. You were only two days old.

-Let's see what else we have. -What are you doing here?

-l just came here to say hi. -Hi.

Look at this one of him.

Hey, buddy.

-What? -That one's the best.

-That's like... -He looks like an owl.

That's such a good one.

-Here you go, Danielle. -Oh, thanks.

-That-a-girl. -This is a cute one.

Who's your daddy?

So, you were going to school in Los Angeles?

For a while. But then l started working on other things.

What kind of things?

Let me show you.

Jesus!

-Are you okay? -Yeah. l don't know. l...

l don't feel so good.

What can l do to make you feel better?

Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

l think l'm feeling a lot better now.

-Really? We can go out another night. -No, we're going out tonight.

-Are you sure? -Positive.

-Look, l don't know if l can do this. -Yes, you can.

For tonight, be the man.

First off, act Iike you don't even Iike her.

-Hey. -Hey.

Second, get her drunk, really drunk, okay?

That way the true porn star will come out in her.

Here. l got us something.

Bourbon?

-Are you trying to get me drunk? -No. What?

-l thought you liked to rock. -Like to rock?

Last and most important,

always be touching her, man.

That tells her you came here to get down tonight.

What are we doing?

Just chilling.

Hey, look.

Maybe we should get a room.

Okay.

Here it is.

Wow.

This is... This is really nice.

TV, air conditioner.

Got a little lamp there.

ls that a Monet?

What?

What are you thinking?

l don't know.

Do you want to fuck me?

Come here.

How do you want me?

Why are you doing this?

What?

This.

lsn't this what you want?

To fuck a porn star in a cheap motel room?

So, this is what you think of me.

-Danielle, wait. l'm sorry. -Let me guess.

Someone showed you a tape,

and you thought, "What the hell. She does it for a living."

-Right? -Eli told me to do it.

Oh, now that's a mature response.

-Why didn't you just tell me? -Because l didn't want to, okay?

Because l loved the way you looked at me.

God, do you have any idea how...

Forget it.

-Hold on. -Fuck you.

You're done.

Look, l'm an idiot, okay?

l saw the tape and l freaked out.

Hi. l'm coming in. Can l come in?

Look, l've just been crazy lately.

l mean, the whole scholarship thing, you know?

l mean, it's killing me, you know?

But l'm not even thinking about that.

The only thing l care about is you.

You know? All l want is just for us to go back to normal again.

lt's a real nice place you got here, D.

l...

Can we

-talk about this later? -Yeah.

Sure.

l liked that.

-What? -What you said in there.

Thanks.

-Kelly. -Matthew.

-So, you're friends with D, huh? -Yeah.

Well, we're... We're kind of going out.

Look at you.

You are a forest fire.

-Are we going? -Yeah.

-You coming with us? -Where you going?

He can't. He's got school tomorrow.

No, no. l'm cool. Like, where are we going?

Hey, there. What can l get for you?

Can we have two Scotch rocks and...

Make it three. Actually, l'll have a Long lsland iced tea.

So, what grade are you in, man?

l'm a senior, but l'm about to graduate.

Congratulations. What's next?

Georgetown, hopefully.

Matthew wants to be president.

Really? That's great, man.

Yeah. How do you two know each other?

How do we know each other?

We used to work together.

So, you're, like, an actor?

Hmm? No.

Strictly producer. But D and l also used to go out.

Excuse me a sec.

So, you guys went out?

Thank you.

-Look, can we just talk? -Talk.

l don't know if this is really the place.

-Why? What's wrong with it? -Oh, nothing. lt's fine.

lt's one of my favorites.

Hey. You got one for me?

-What are you doing? -What?

Here.

You turn it like so.

Hey, where you going?

The bathroom. ls that okay?

Yeah.

So, you're really into her, huh?

Hey. l get it, man. Believe me. She's gorgeous.

l just think you'd want someone more your age.

-She is my age. -Yeah. l meant experience-wise.

No offense.

Don't worry about it. l'm gonna take care of you.

Oh, my God. That's Mr. Peterson.

That's my dad's friend. He comes over to dinner all the time with his wife.

Really? Hey, Peterson.

Dude, what are you doing, man?

Yeah, you. Get over here.

God damn, Peterson. Haven't seen your black ass in ages.

l... l... Do l know you?

-What the fuck's your problem? -l...

Just fucking with you, man.

Hey. You know my friend Matty here, right?

Matthew. Hi.

Peterson, this is Matty's first time.

Why don't you buy him a dance?

So, did you hear about that scholarship yet?

No. The big dinner's on Thursday.

So, what's it for again?

The scholarship.

lt's for moral fiber.

So, who is this guy? He's, like, a porn producer?

Klitz, shut up. Now, the strippers.

When you were getting a lap dance,

were they cool with you grabbing their ass?

Dude, oh, my God. l'm trying to talk about Danielle.

Fine. Selfish bitch.

For teenagers, sexuaI intercourse can be dangerous.

Jesus, what hack made this?

l could make a better sex ed film with my mom.

Why don't they update this thing?

Special events, such as your senior prom,

pIace added pressure on young teens to Iose their virginity

and aIso engage in unprotected sex.

-Hello. -Hey, Bob.

We're aII going to the creek tonight. It's gonna be a gas.

-You're coming, right? -I can't, guys.

I have a baby now.

Because of prom.

What?

Yeah, right.

You guys ever thought about it?

No.

l just think you guys would be really hot. You girls are 1 8, right?

-l am. -l will be in a month.

-Really? You ever been photographed? -Yeah. A couple of times.

Hey, you guys know Matty?

l hung with him last night. Guy's the tits.

-There's my man. -How you doing?

What's up, fellas?

Matty,

you didn't tell me you got some serious burners at your school here.

-Shut up. -Don't say that.

Hey, you know who's got the killer bud?

This fucker right here.

What are you talking about?

-Yeah, come on. -Yeah. You have some?

Yeah. Come on.

-Holy shit! -You guys should party.

-Can l... -All right. We're out.

-Hold on a sec. -Hey.

Where are you guys going?

-We got things to do, ladies. -So, you wanna hang out?

-Hop in, fellas. -Aren't you gonna photograph us?

-Always leave 'em wanting more. -Watch it!

Man, there is some talent here.

You get those girls together with those ass-bags right there

shoot 'em humping at, like, a football game or at a prom

that video would sell. Fuck, l'm good!

How do l get these ideas?

lt's like a gift, you know.

lt's like l can't control it.

So, what are we doing, men?

Right. l need to transfer that.

You know, you really didn't have to come with me.

lt's cool. l like running errands.

So, you raised 25 G's just to bring this Chinese guy over?

He's Cambodian.

Okay, so that's 25,000 total

deposited into the Operation Get Samnang account.

Hey, so you raised all the money you needed.

-Congratulations. -Thanks.

So, is this Samnang really as smart as they say?

Well, he did teach himself calculus without even using his textbook.

-So... -Wow.

Those crazy little fuckers, man. They sure know their numbers.

Jeannie, this is my... This is my student adviser.

You're Mr. Salinger?

Just here to make sure everything's up to par. Wow.

-What? -l love those earrings.

-Oh, thank you. -They really complement your coloring.

Thanks. l just got back from Cabo.

-Did you? -Yeah.

Okay. Well, we gotta go. Thanks, Jeannie.

-Man, what were you doing? -Yeah.

And there's, like, a bar under there, sit with other people.

-You have been there. See? l knew. -No. No.

-l could show you around. -This guy's unbelievable.

You.

-Where you guys going? -Vegas, baby.

We got the convention. Gotta press the flesh, meet the fans.

So, that's it? You're just going back?

l don't belong here.

What do you mean? What about starting over?

This is what l am.

All right, D. Let's roll.

Dude, it's not your fault.

No, it is my fault.

lf l hadn't been such a dick and taken her to that motel room...

Yeah, that was a little forward, don't you think?

-Dude. -What?

Matt, the point is she made her decision.

There's nothing you can do about it now.

Yeah, there is.

-Hey, hey, Dad. -Mom, don't wait up.

-No. l'm gonna be late. -l'll watch it with you tomorrow.

-Shark Week is all week long. -God, l just wanna bang hot chicks.

-Move it. -Sorry.

Big smile.

-Yo, man, no press! -No, no, no. l'm not press.

l'm still in high school, okay? This is for my high school video yearbook.

l swear to God.

That's right, bitch.

Athena!

Jesus, is that her?

Give me a second, guys.

Athena! Athena!

-Danielle. -Athena! Athena!

Danielle.

Athena, right here. Keep working it, Athena. You are so hot, Athena!

-Look, l'm sorry. l had to come. -Asshole, l'm next.

l feel like this is all my fault.

Who is this guy?

Will you at least look at me?

Bend over!

You're the best thing that ever happened to me, okay?

-Me, too! -Danielle.

He's so sweet.

Danielle.

Nice job, dickwad.

-Danielle. -Hey, man. Get me out of this thing.

-Take me with you, dude. -Danielle.

Just leave me alone, please.

Danielle.

Danielle, Danielle, Danielle.

-Hugo, hi. -Look at you.

You look fantastic.

Just starting out and everyone knows your name.

-No, they don't. -So, how's Kelly treating you?

-Okay. -Just okay?

Danielle, what do we know? What do we know?

We know that you should be with me.

At the top, where the air is crisp.

-Nice tan. -Kelly, what do we say?

Fuck you.

Always with the big words. Danielle, where the air is crisp.

-What does that mean? -Nothing. He's just being Hugo.

Matty. What are you doing here?

Look, Kelly, no offense,

but l really don't think Danielle wants to be here right now.

Matthew, please just go home, okay?

Hey, D. D.

l'm sorry, man. Come on. Let's get out of here.

What's up?

-lt's not cute anymore. -What?

Stop filling her head with that... Do not piss me off!

Hey, l thought we were friends.

Friends don't fuck with each other's business.

And that's what this is, my fucking business.

What?

What are you gonna do?

Yeah, that's what l thought. Stay the fuck away from her.

Matt, seriously, man, it's 2:00 in the morning.

Hey, what about your thing tomorrow? The scholarship dinner?

Sorry, l gotta do this.

By the way, if things get bad, just bolt, okay?

What? What do you mean "things get bad"?

Just bolt.

Wait, wait. What's he talking about?

Hi.

Dude, am l ugly?

What?

No. No, man. You're fine. Just relax.

No, l'm ugly. l know it.

So, what do you guys do?

l get freaky.

We're directors.

Really? Would you guys ever want to use me in one of your movies?

Hell, yeah, we'll use you.

Baby, l'll do things to you l wouldn't do to a farm animal.

What the fuck did you just say?

Honey! These guys are directors and they want to use me.

"Use you?"

Guys, this is my boyfriend, Mule.

Hi, Mule.

Let's do it.

Man, you gotta use my girl, bro. She's so good.

l am. l really am.

Do you want to give her a throw?

Yeah. Try me out.

No, you know. No. l'm okay though. Thank you.

Well, come on. At least feel her tits.

l'm okay. l can't. Thank you though.

Fuck it. l'll feel one.

We're all set for tomorrow.

Athena will be there, ready to shoot, right, babe?

Not bad, huh? Suckers cost me six grand.

Yo, Mule.

What the hell are you doing?

Steel, check it out, man.

These guys are directors.

Man, these punks ain't directors.

They're in high school, you idiot.

Okay, here's the thing...

Oh, shit!

-Come on, Klitz! Come on! -Get off of this!

Whoa!

-Matty, time to go. Time to go. Time to go. -What happened?

lt got bad. Bolt! Bolt!

-Dude, wait up. -Fuck you, dude!

Excuse me.

l just want to let you know, l know who you really are.

And you're better than this.

Yeah.

Need a ride to school?

lt's all you now. l mean, now you can do whatever you want.

Why do you believe in me so much?

l don't know. Maybe l'm stupid.

Good luck tonight.

Thanks.

-Bye. -Bye.

Will you go to prom with me?

What?

l would love to.

Now, for the scientific explanation. Anybody?

We can argue back and forth whether light comes from...

That your speech?

Yeah.

You ready for tonight?

Don't worry, man. You're gonna be great.

l have to be.

That fucking bitch can't just run away

'cause she don't want to fuck on film anymore!

May l help you?

-Get up. -Okay, okay.

Stay in school.

Look, l have the most important dinner of my life tonight,

so wherever we're going, we just have to be home by 6:00.

Just so you know.

Here he comes.

-lt's a cool ride, huh? -Yeah, if you're a fag.

Jesus!

lt's cool! lt's cool!

Get in.

Where are we going?

l thought you were cool, man.

l tried to be your friend, and what do you do? You fuck me.

l didn't fuck you.

She didn't show up on set today because of what you said.

Now l'm out 30 grand. Guess who's paying me back.

What? l don't have 30 grand.

Get your folks to help you out.

They don't have that kind of money.

Look, Kelly, l'm a problem solver, all right?

This is what l do. Okay?

Let's just think outside of the box here.

Look, she'll get a job, l'll keep mowing lawns,

and over time, we'll pay it down. You know? This can work.

We can do this. lt'll be like a payment plan.

You really care about her, huh?

Yeah, l really do.

Yeah, l don't know.

lf l'm gonna do this payment plan thing,

l need a show of good faith, you know?

Something concrete.

Well, like what?

A blowjob.

Nah, l told you. She's not gonna do that anymore.

Who said anything about her?

Yeah. We're definitely outside the box now, huh?

Now you gotta ask yourself

how far are you willing to go, hmm?

How much do you really care about her?

l'm joking, man!

Relax.

Damn! Do l look gay to you?

No, but, geez...

You wanna be president?

Let me tell you the first rule of politics.

Always know if the juice is worth the squeeze.

You know what that means?

lt means you don't steal my girl unless you're ready to accept the consequences.

All right. l'm sorry, okay?

That's gonna swell up like a bitch. Here, take these.

l'm telling you, it's gonna hurt like shit.

l'm sorry l got upset.

l just... l felt taken advantage of.

Look, l'm not gonna be a dick.

l know she loves you.

l'm gonna leave you guys alone.

But now you're doing something for me.

Remember that ass-bag Hugo from the convention?

We used to be partners a Iong time ago.

One day, l had this killer idea

to make films set in real-life situations.

You know, Real World porn.

l tell the idea to Hugo. He says he'll think about it.

And what does that motherfucker do?

Takes my best girls, starts his own company with my idea

and the guy makes millions.

lt's not the money that pisses me off. l mean, yeah, fuck,

it does piss me off, but that's not it.

lt's the perception. Everybody thinks Hugo's the genius.

lt was my idea. lt's like he's Simon and l'm Garfunkel.

Look at me, man. l'm fucking Garfunkel.

Look, seriously. l can't do this.

Don't be a pussy. Nobody's home.

Why do you want this thing so bad?

Because. lt should've been mine.

-l'm just gonna grab it and leave. -You don't understand.

l have to be at a dinner in an hour. My whole life depends on it.

You want me out of Danielle's life?

-Yes, l do. -Then let's go.

But wait. Seriously...

Sometimes in life, if you want to do something good,

you gotta do something bad.

Yeah, but this is breaking and entering.

This is politics.

Hey, after this, we're cool, okay?

You're all right, man.

Yes. l'd like to report a robbery.

Bang me!

Cradle the balls!

Help me!

Help! Fuck!

Wait! Come on!

Okay, so what time does the dinner start?

6:00. Why? What time is it now?

6:30.

Oh, my God!

Dude, don't worry. We'll get there. Just try and...

Dude, what are you doing?

l don't know. l just...

l feel so good.

Oh, my God.

l just feel so weird.

Don't worry. Ecstasy is not that bad.

What?

Kelly likes dosing people with E.

Oh, my God. Am l gonna die?

No, no. lt's okay, Matt. You're gonna be fine, l promise.

You're such a good friend, Klitzy. l love you.

l love you so much.

This is gonna be amazing!

Wait a second.

Oh, my God.

You don't understand.

lt's really kicking in right now.

Just try not to talk so much, okay?

Talk so much? l'm giving a speech.

-lt's okay. Just go with it. -Wait, wait, wait!

ln a few minutes, we'II begin the speeches, and we hope...

Thank you again for coming to what promises to be a very eventfuI evening.

Matthew Kidman.

My competition! Hey, what's up, Ryan?

Jesus! What happened to you?

Just living life, my man. Mina, how are you?

Okay. Just a little nervous.

Oh, but you're a little temptress though, aren't you?

Hey, buddy, how you doing? How you doing?

Hey, thanks a lot, thanks a lot, thanks a lot.

Huh? Huh?

Hey, there's the big daddy, huh?

Matthew, what has been going on with you?

Some serious shit.

But, Jesus, man, it's good to see you!

Will you excuse us, please?

Oh, my God. Am l blowing it?

Just try and control yourself.

Just breathe, okay?

All right.

I've Iearned a Iot from my teachers,

but my best teacher has aIways been my mother,

a woman who worked three jobs trying to support me

ever since l was a little niña.

I wiII never forget the day she said to me, "Si trabajas duro, todo es posible."

And that is why I have aIways tried to answer the call

of the great John F. Kennedy,

who urged us to ask not what your country...

Let's see here.

I can't speak a foreign Ianguage, so that's out.

And I certainIy can't quote J.F.K. now, can I, Ryan?

You know, it's funny. I have this whoIe speech prepared

and I've been practicing for weeks, but you know what?

I'm just gonna go with it.

Moral fiber. So, what is moral fiber?

I mean, it's funny.

l used to think it was aIways teIIing the truth,

doing good deeds,

you know, basicaIIy being a fucking Boy Scout.

But IateIy I've been seeing it differentIy.

Now l think that moral fiber is about finding

that one thing you reaIIy care about.

That one speciaI thing that means more to you than anything eIse in the world.

And when you find her, you fight for her.

You risk it all.

You put her in front of everything,

your future, your Iife, aII of it.

And maybe the stuff you do to heIp her isn't so cIean.

You know what? lt doesn't matter.

Because in your heart, you know

that the juice is worth the squeeze.

That's what moral fiber's all about.

First, I'd just Iike to commend the candidates

on their impressive remarks.

This year was a very tough decision.

And as much as we'd love to give you aII schoIarships, we can't.

And so, I am proud to announce

the winner of this year's Sheridan Scholarship,

Ryan Winger.

Oh, God, what happened?

Yeah, l slipped.

Listen, Jeannie, Samnang's coming on Monday.

l know. How exciting.

Yeah, so l'm gonna need to close out the account.

What do you mean?

l mean l'm gonna need to close out the account.

But it's already closed.

What are you talking about?

Your teacher came by yesterday and he cleared out the account.

Who? What teacher?

Your student adviser. Mr. Salinger.

The one you were with the other day.

Mr. Salinger? What are you...

Samnang, what's wrong, my son?

That Matthew Kidman.

He fucked me, Mom. He fucked me so bad!

Son of a bitch.

Oh, my God.

What's wrong?

Jeannie, didn't you ask for l.D. or anything?

You said he was your student adviser.

Oh, my God.

Jeannie, where are you going?

To get the manager.

No, wait, wait.

Matthew, what's going on?

Look...

That guy wasn't my student adviser.

No. l know, l know. l can get the money back.

We just need to keep this between me and you for now, okay?

That's a great blouse, by the way. Have you lost weight?

No? No, wait, wait!

Jeannie! Jeannie! Jeannie, Jeannie, Jeannie.

You think about this. This is your fault, too, all right.

You didn't ask for l.D. You didn't do anything.

And l saw you flirting with him, too, all right.

So unprofessional. You're gonna lose yourjob over this.

Don't you threaten me, you little shit!

l could give a fuck about you and your little rice boy.

l'm not getting fired over this!

Okay, okay, okay. l'm sorry.

Please. Just... No one can ever find out about this.

lf this gets out, l'll be expelled. My life will be over.

lf that money isn't back by Monday,

l wouldn't worry about being expelled.

l'd worry about going to jail.

Jeannie.

-Hi, Jeannie. -Hi, Martin.

Matthew, what's wrong?

Matt, is there something you want to taIk about?

Matthew, honey, what is it?

Hi.

Come here.

l'm in so much trouble.

l can't believe we're even thinking about this.

Well, if you need that kind of money by Monday...

Yeah, but what are we doing? l can't get you involved in this.

l want to do it.

Why?

Moral fiber.

-l'm in. -You haven't heard the whole plan.

Yeah. lt doesn't matter.

Fuck film school. This is gonna be huge.

This is gonna be my calling card.

No.

-Klitzy. -No way.

Klitz, you know l wouldn't ask for this unless l really needed it.

Matt, believe me, l want to help you, but... No.

-We'll get expelled. -Klitz, shut up.

Do me a favor, okay?

Take a look at us. Okay? Take a good look at us.

Do you know what we are, the three of us?

What?

We're a fucking tripod.

-A tripod. -Yeah.

You know what that means?

That means if you kick out one of our legs, then we all fall.

Come on, baby!

Fuck.

l know it was you, Klitzy.

-Where is she? -Oh, there they are. Hey!

Hey!

Hi, Danielle!

Hi!

-Let's get our luggage. Yeah! -Yeah.

-All right? -l'll be there in a minute.

Okay.

So, if l pull this off, l get the 25 grand on Sunday?

Kid, you pull this off, l'll take care of your little Samsung.

-Samnang. -Whatever.

Have a nice prom, kid.

All right, minions, over here.

Relax, relax.

You know what? Go wait in the car. Go.

Jesus.

Gentlemen, these are your prom dates,

April and Ferrari.

Ladies, we have Eli and Klitz.

Your name is Clits?

With a "K."

Okay, get a two-shot. Minions!

All right, guys, get closer. Yeah, that's right. Show me the love.

Feel it, feel it! Nice.

Eli, do those girls go to your school?

Actually, no, Mrs. Kidman. They're porn stars.

You look...

You look really nice.

Thanks.

You really do, hon. You look so beautiful.

Really? Oh, thanks.

What are all these cameras for?

They're for video yearbook.

So, what should we do? Should we start setting up?

Yeah. Look, we just gotta keep this low-key, okay?

Okay. What are you gonna do?

l'm gonna get our actors.

Dude, make sure they can act.

Yeah, all right. Just get out of here, okay?

Hey, l got this taken care of.

You just show this little lady a good time tonight, all right?

Minions, let's move!

So, what are we doing?

Relax, relax.

Come on, play it cool, play it cool.

Look. They're coming to you.

Yo, Matt. What's up?

What's up?

Can we talk to you for a second?

Dude, l'm with my girl here.

Sorry, man.

Should we come back?

No. l'll leave you guys alone.

What's up?

Hey, man, what's up with those girls?

What about 'em?

Are they, like...

Are they porn stars?

-Yeah. -Shit!

l knew l recognized them. l knew it.

-Can we meet 'em? -Yeah.

How would you boys like to be in a movie?

-What are these? -Your scripts.

Sign the release form at the top.

Come on, you guys, wait up!

Are these our actors?

Just these two.

What about me, dude?

Oh, sorry, bro.

The party's all full.

Gentlemen.

As an artist, l want it to come from a truthful place.

Holy shit.

Ferrari, Ferrari, focus. Listen.

Oh, okay.

No. l can do this. Don't worry.

Think Meryl Streep, Sophie's Choice.

-Hey. -Hey.

Next location!

Come on! Move! Move, move, move! Let's go!

Dude, please! l gotta be in this!

Shut up. Take this.

Come on!

Take the pain! Take the pain! Get up! Come on!

May l have a word with you?

-What's up? -l found this in the hallway.

Do you know what this is?

No. What is it?

Looks like a release form for something.

Yeah, l don't know what it is.

Have a good night.

You're strong, you're firm,

but you have a secret.

Show that to me.

Thank you.

For what?

l never went to prom.

Excuse me, sir? We have a problem.

What's wrong?

Derek didn't work out.

What happened?

Let's just say he wasn't strong or firm.

Guys, l can't work like this!

Okay, relax.

-We'll just get somebody else. -There is nobody else.

What? l thought everyone's dying to be in this.

Not this scene.

All right. This is the key scene.

lf we don't get this, Hugo's not gonna buy it.

Yeah, well, somebody's gotta step up.

-Why you looking at me? -Because you're doing it.

Whoa, Mr. l-just-want-to-bang-hot-chicks.

Here's your first chance.

Klitz, l can't act and direct, okay?

Oh, okay, fine. l'll direct.

-Oh, you're a director now. -Yeah, l'm a director.

Okay, Spielberg, what lens are you gonna use?

l'll do it.

You guys have been great, but this is my mess. l'll clean it up.

Matt, Matt, your face is gonna be in this. Think about that.

-Come here, baby. -Let's...

Picture's up, people.

Are you ready, hon?

Yeah. Okay, let's do this.

And action!

What the hell is going on in here?

-Nobody move! -Shit.

Who is in charge of this?

l asked you people a question!

Who is in charge here?

Fuck it.

All right, everybody take five.

What's wrong?

l can't do this.

What happened?

What are you gonna do?

l don't know. lt doesn't matter.

No. l'll do it.

Klitz, it's cool. You don't...

No, no. l'm doing it.

Why?

'Cause we're a fucking tripod.

All right, here we go, people. Picture's up!

Listen, l know this is unprofessional,

but l think you're really cute.

Yeah, right.

l'm serious.

Really cute.

How we doing, Klitzy?

Fucking great, man. Let's do this.

And action!

See you, guys.

Good night, guys.

So, what's the craziest thing you've done lately?

-Hello? -We're dead.

-Eli? -Dude, the tape's not here. l can't find it.

-What? -Dude, l'm not kidding, all right?

l've looked everywhere, okay?

All right, all right, calm down.

No, dude, you calm down! lt's gone!

What do you mean, it's gone?

l mean it's frickin' gone!

Somebody stole it! Jesus Christ!

Matthew, could you come in here?

This is Mr. Simon.

He says he has something very important to discuss with us.

Why don't you sit down?

Actually, if you don't mind,

may l have a word with the boy alone first?

Sure.

So, how was prom?

-That's mine. -You know, we were fine.

But now you go and do this? This was my idea.

Now l'm really gonna fuck your shit up.

l'm gonna need that back.

Take it from me.

Yeah.

What are you gonna do?

l don't have to do anything. Hugo Posh will.

He's my partner on this. Fifty-fifty.

So, could l please have my tape back?

Fuck...

Fuck you. l'm taking your half then.

No. That money's going to Samnang.

The money you stole from him.

You say that like l care. l don't give a shit.

You're giving me your half.

And if l don't?

Showtime.

Okay.

Okay, what?

Show 'em the tape.

l'm not fucking around.

l just don't care anymore.

This is gonna be interesting.

Dan, Marci, Mr. Salinger,

would you mind joining me in the living room for a second?

Great.

Matthew, is there anything you want to say before we watch this?

Okay, then. On with the show.

HeIIo. I'm ApriI.

And l'm Ferrari.

You may recognize us as stars of the aduIt entertainment industry

and today we're taking time out to taIk about a very important subject.

-Sex. -Sex.

Special events such as senior prom

pIace added pressure on young teens

to Iose their virginity and engage in unprotected sex.

I know I Iost my virginity at my senior prom.

When did you Iose yours, ApriI?

When l was 10.

Moving on!

In this video, we'II go through everything

from kissing to forepIay.

And for our finaIe, we'II show you how to put a condom on properly

using a reaI person.

No cucumbers or bananas in this video.

So, for those of you naughty boys

expecting to see a raunchy porn video,

you might as weII turn this off now

because you're not gonna see sex.

What the fuck is this shit?

You're gonna see sex education.

This is interesting, Matthew.

Yeah. Yeah. l think it's a great idea.

Well, you remember those sex ed films back in our day.

l'll tell you, if they were anything like this,

we sure would've paid more attention, don't you think?

l think it's atrocious.

But the hell with it.

The kids today are so goddamn screwed up,

maybe this is the only way you can reach them.

You just might have something here, Matthew.

l think it's pretty wild.

This could really sell, don't you think?

How'd you come up with such an idea, Matthew?

What can l say? lt's like a gift, you know?

lt's like l can't control it.

Courtney Booth.

I wiII aIways remember Iate nights in cabby...

Eric ZierdaI. I wiII aIways remember...

Kurt KiIgore. I wiII aIways remember...

Joseph Kraus. I wiII aIways remember

wrestIing stints and aII the great memories...

Matthew Kidman. I wiII aIways remember

the three Iegs of the tripod.

l'm here with Hugo Posh, the producer of AduIt Education,

the hottest-seIIing sex education video ever made

being utiIized in cIassrooms across the gIobe.

Hugo, you're known primarily as a hard-core pornographer, correct?

My business partner...

Let me break it down for you.

See, Hugo Posh isn'tjust tits. He isn'tjust ass.

I mean, yes, he is those things, but Hugo Posh is aIso heart.

What an ass-bag.

Fucking kid.

My student adviser...

All right, people! Let's make some fuckie-fuckie.

Now, Hugo, you and your partner have made millions on this.

So, who is this silent partner?

WeII, he prefers to remain anonymous.

You better cure cancer, kid.

The next Einstein...

All right, yeah, next question.

-All right. -EIi's caIIing card...

How about you, buddy?

Yeah. Mr. Brooks, why did you decide to skip film school?

Don't you think you're a little young?

Shut the fuck up!

Next question! Faster!

l got the tape! l got the tape! l got the tape!

For our finale, l will now demonstrate the proper technique

for putting a condom on the reaI thing.

Is my voIunteer ready?

KIitz's big debut...

Shut up, shut up, shut up. Here he is, here he is.

Jesus. Look at that guy.

He is huge.

My own scholarship to Georgetown

and, of course, I'II never forget

the girl next door.

As for me,

I'm just going with it.