Original subtitles

Henry, we've had a million Friday nights and I want to start actually doing

stuff together.

I always say not to Laura's wee ideas.

And they want her. James Martin live!

But I could be a wee bit more open -minded.

Vincent, what's wrong?

I'm... dying.

Again? He said I've got fatty liver.

Get yourself a fat couch and personally train me. We've not had a fight like

this for a long time. Ma!

What is it?

I've stole this dress!

Vincent's going too deep with this fitness kick, Laura.

Yeah, I think it's great he's making positive health changes.

No, you're not getting this.

I like to make love at midnight.

I know.

We shared a villa in Majorca.

Well, Vincent says that that can't happen now because it messes with the

his wearable sleep tracker.

I think this is good for Vincent.

It's not.

After all these years, Vince and I finally get ourselves in an amazing

And he's ruining it.

You want to be finished?

Soon. It's never good to interrupt him during it.

He gets very immersed.

What's it called again?

Be our body pump.

Whoa!

Here, listen, I was wondering, if I was just a stranger who walked in here off

the street, what would you recommend?

Will we give her the patter?

Mrs Scott, it amazes me to hear that you've never done modelling before.

I know, right?

Hayley, describe those lips, because I wouldn't be allowed.

Luscious. And describe the jawline, because if I speak, I am in trouble.

Natched. Not a thing needs done.

Send her on her way, I say.

Agreed, agreed.

However, if you did want all the Ryan Reynolds of the world to want you as

own personal wrecksome... Hmm?

Laura, are you thinking of getting something done?

No. I mean,

maybe.

Why not?

New things, new adventures, right?

I don't want to be... Waiting around for this empty nest thing to hit me. You

know, I want to be driving things, thinking bigger.

Well, listen, I could definitely improve stuff on this wee fixer -upper here.

But don't tell Henry I said that.

Oh, God, no. Let's not mention this wee consultation to Henry at all. Never.

You know what he'd like.

But can I have a brochure?

Yes.

But listen,

Henry can never be this, all right? Oh, not a chance.

Oh, here I'm forgetting why I dropped in.

Yours and Bonnie's character card.

Oh, hi, hi, hi, hi. Character card?

Mm -hm, for my murder mystery night.

This is how I live life now.

I don't just have people over. I throw parties, and I am throwing a murder

mystery party!

An invitation to dinner, but who will be murdered?

Every dinner Laura makes is murder.

I'm the unthinkable Molly McGarvey.

I survived the Titanic, but that's not true.

I was emotionally destroyed at the end yet.

Oh, love this role.

You know, the great Mr. Jeremy Strong from Succession is my spirit animal.

I might go full message with this one.

I am a woman whose marriage was destroyed when her husband couldn't pull

out of a midlife crisis.

And now I shall read from my character card.

I managed to get that one.

Luck of the draw.

I'm the brilliant scientist, Professor Albert Eissentine.

No, sorry.

Eissentine.

Eissentine. I hope you don't start getting typecast as a genius.

Baron von... Oh, for s***.

Tell me we don't have to wear costumes.

And, eh, the nappy stations get everything labelled.

I don't think I need labels.

Oh, the labels are not for you.

They're for Professor Einstein there.

CBB's on for the way, they say.

Aye. This Iggle Piggle is somebody, by the way.

OK. Thanks for doing this, Adam.

My ma just refuses to help it.

Her wayne, she can watch it. The next nappy I want to see getting changed will

be my own one.

Can I, um, use the kitchen?

Make dinner for your wee girlfriend?

Yeah. I'm babysitting my wee cousin with Sophie.

It'll be nice to get some alone time away from our flatmates.

Just us.

You's got to be pumping. Colette?

No, no, it's fine if you are.

It word to the wise.

Keep the noise, Jim.

That asshole next door apparently hates hearing a woman enjoy herself.

Two women.

You'll fod the polis.

Aye, you won't.

My name is Chives.

I will be your butler this evening.

Thank you all for coming to our party.

Chives and I have arranged a wonderful evening of mystery and secrets.

So let's all just enjoy.

I mean,

we're trying with Adesha Kertz and I gave my scabby queen.

Please now make your introductions to each of the guests.

My name is the esteemed professor.

Albert Frankenstein.

Eisenstein. I see you've invented sleeves for your clothes, Professor.

A miracle in itself.

My name is Baron von Winkledinger.

You know, I've always thought you looked like a Winkledinger. And I've just

realised he's going to be doing an accent all night.

Are you, Vincent?

Oh, yeah, baby.

My name is Arizona Buffalo.

And my catchphrase... It's your bullet.

And I'm going to whip all you guys in a shape.

Well, you'd know all about that, all this exercise you've been doing.

Cheers to that.

Laura's supposed to be on my side.

Oh, I'm really sorry.

Hi.

Yeah.

Hey.

Mate.

Listen, I hope nobody was planning on drinking that ginger, because let me

you something.

You blew it.

Bonnie, you're up.

Betty the scullery maid.

I don't even have a surname.

How exactly were these roles decided, Laurel?

Completely random, sir.

Oh, so completely randomly, your mum gets to dress like a glamorous showgirl.

Lucky me.

Whilst I sit in a shapeless big... Granny puffed with the suggestion that I

am submissive to my betters.

There's no room in here for that.

Thanks, Laura.

Thanks.

Ma? Oh, God, then do I have to do an accent?

My name is Naughty Sally Spoon.

Naughty. Henry will no be saying naughty that later on the night.

I bet she's been practising the accent for weeks.

No.

Here's your egg, fried tomato, and a black pudding.

Pudding. Pudding.

I love the idea of being a naughty flapper girl.

Hopefully nobody asked me to dance.

I suppose since I'm a flapper, I should probably do that dance that they do,

whatever it's called.

Don't anyone ask me to do?

Oh, right then!

I can't even remember what the name of it is, is it? Is it the Charleston?

Charleston Heston, mer -like.

Well, I'm the unthinkable Molly McGarvey. Did they nor put enough bricks

the bag when they flung you into the canal?

Listen, I'll boot you in the ham hock, Baron Von Bightman banger.

Oh, no, sorry, absolutely not.

What? This family has done parties this way for years.

What, why?

It starts with banter and then slaggings and then someone takes it too far and

Vincent has an emotional breakdown.

No, we are trying something different this time, all right?

We're going to have a family party that doesn't end in a screaming match.

Let's be realistic.

We're going to have some nice family fun and murder someone!

And there's to be no eye -rolling at one of Laura's parties.

I will keep my eyes.

Perfectly different.

I think Ronnie hates me tonight.

Baby sleeping.

Delicious.

And I love this house. Everything's so sparkly.

It's like being at the shows.

That's mine, Colette.

It's not how I decorate a house, but... This is nice, eh?

Nae flatmates, nae drama.

Just us.

When you live in a student flat, there's always other people about.

My mum and dad are worried about an empty nest.

I'd kill for an empty nest.

Just you and me watching the telly.

Like an old married couple.

Kissing and cuddling on the couch.

Kissing and cuddling.

What's that smell?

Who's eating a pot noodle?

Oh, what is she doing here?

It's there in your moment.

That's what happens then.

I made an excuse to go to the toilet, and then... Help! Help! Don't see the

done!

Here we go!

Here we go!

No! No, Colette!

Oh, God!

Who could have done this?

Wasn't even acting.

Everyone, please, examine the crime scene closely for clues.

I can't believe you did.

I know, it's sad.

Can you get a pillow for my head?

Ah, exactly what a murderer would do.

Place a cushion under the victim's napa.

Maybe I should go get a brush and creep around the body like a scullery maid in

a big, shapeless frock. What do you think, Laura?

I don't like this.

It's made me think about you actually being dead.

We'll find my killer then.

And remember, it's just kid on, like the wrestling.

Wait.

The wrestling's kid on?

There will now come in a round of interrogations.

Shh, shh, shh.

See the last line fillers in here? Do they actually work? Oh, absolutely.

You look like you have me left a day in your life.

Okay.

Sign me up.

You hide that artifact, baby.

Make sure that the Nazis don't find it.

He's like an athlete now.

Why are you whispering?

And why was he studying your face?

Did you get done?

No!

Frown for me.

Shh!

No Botox.

But I am tempted. I did have a wee consultation, so... Ladies?

But for God's sake, don't say anything to Henry.

He's like an athlete now.

She knows how miserable he's making me.

Oh, cheer up. It's a party.

You try living with the Scottish Wim Hof.

Aye. Wim Hof, I blame.

At least you knew Darren was a gym bore when you met him.

Aye. I'll bore a hole in your napper with the Hilla Molly shoe.

Stop spoiling, Laura's party.

This party is the Titanic, darling.

So, ask insightful questions and try to solve the crime.

Sir?

I have, like, no idea who it is.

Okay.

Insightful questions.

Baron, did you murder Molly?

Do you think I'm just going to go, aye, and that's the game done?

Maybe. You have to get there by a process of elimination, Darren.

I'm not a real scientist, Laura.

Betty, your turn, sir.

Why do you keep saying sir all the time? That's not a butler thing.

Before I was a butler, I was in the army.

Fritz did a number on me in Belgium.

Left me with a dicky lung.

A nice lawyer legend.

Oh, Vincent, one of my friends shared a Facebook memory today of her doing Tough

Mudder, and I thought Vincent should do that.

Maybe you and Henry could... No.

I get it.

Laura wants to transform herself to mask the pain of a looming empty nest. And

she finds the kindred spirit in the king of Transformers himself, Optimus Prick.

Well, not at my expense.

Forgive me, kind ladies and gentlemen, but I must speak my truth as God is my

witness. Bonnie, that voice is amazing.

Sounds like the voice of a stone -cold killer to me.

Stone -cold Jane Austen.

As a member of the serving class, it pains me to speak when not spoken to.

But I can hold my tongue no longer.

Oh!

Apologies, Mum.

It's my chronic TB.

Much like the great Brad Pitt, I feel compelled to fill my mouth with food

whenever I act.

Have you noticed how Miss Spoons keeps buttering Mr.

Buffalo up?

You're amazing, Mr.

Buffalo, she says.

Paying no heed to her good friend Betty, who says she's at the end of a bleeding

tether.

What? She ain't being a good friend.

And a bad friend is capable of anything.

We'll see what naughty Sally Spoons has to say about that.

Maybe you ought to watch your damn mouth, sweetheart.

Maybe if Betty butted Mr. Buffalo up once in a while, I wouldn't have to.

Maybe Miss Spoon should wind a bleeding nicey -nicey neck in before someone

rings it.

Maybe Betty has a real high and mighty opinion of herself despite her low

station. Maybe Miss Spoon should explain.

So, who did you say is the murderer?

Doesn't feel as nice to think the Titanic as I thought it would.

Is that one of Vincent's brochure?

You're dead, ma 'am. You can't... Shut up, ma 'am.

I'm a ghost that loves the drama.

When I popped into Vincent's surgery the other day, I... We had an impromptu

chat about my face.

It was no big deal.

You blew it.

No big deal.

Bonnie, you have been a brat tonight.

A brat?

I didn't want you to make a big thing out of it, Henry.

Me? Yeah, you would have been all like, why would you touch that lovely face?

You're so...

Beautiful. You're already perfect and gorgeous as it is, Laura. Aye, all

Ora. Well, send me to jail for thinking my wife's a stunner.

I'm not making a big deal.

Did you suggest that Laura needed to change her face in any way whatsoever?

Exactly the type of fighting that I did not want at my party. Thank you, Bonnie.

Look, I just said what I always say, right?

Every woman over the age of 22... 22?

Don't a minute.

What? Were there any wounds on Molly's body?

Aw, you still playing the game.

Well, at least someone is.

Now wounds on the body, sir.

Can we get back to games and get on secrets?

No. Real secrets are more fun.

And here's another one.

Vincent, all your fitness crap.

What, you hate it?

That's no secret.

It's made you an unrecognisable bore!

I hate this stranger who is sleeping in my bed right now!

There's a stranger in your bed?

You meant Vincent.

I'll keep solving the murder.

You're not a bad wee cook hen.

You're going to get that from your mammy.

So what are yous doing in here?

Babysitting on a Saturday night?

We're just helping out Auntie Colette.

My hole.

They're playing at houses.

Erin is playing mammies and daddies.

Or should that be mammies and mammies, as it were?

Did you think I was doing a trial run for domestic life?

See, when I said this was news.

You weren't thinking that I was actually wanting to, like... Oh, my God.

You lasses should be up there dancing this weekend.

So,

but I can look after the rain for one night.

Are you sure about this, Gran?

Absolutely.

No plane who says for you two.

Thanks, Mrs Scott.

Oh, Uber's here.

Thanks, Gran.

Hey.

And which the story be you,

Boyd?

You want a secret, Vonnie?

Well, all Arizona Buffalo's got a doozy.

I'm dying.

What? I'm dying.

Well, I'm no dying.

Why would you say that then?

Not any mere, not any mere, right, but I was dying.

When? Back when I began all this fitness stuff.

That was where I started.

I mean, I wasn't dying, dying.

For Christ's sake.

I've got a condition, right? I've got a condition that can lead to death.

Which rang with you?

I've got a fatty liver.

A fatty liver?

What?

Fatty liver.

F -A -T -T -Y.

Fatty liver.

What in God's name is a fatty liver? It's a liver condition, but actually

an insensitive name. Are you okay, Vincent?

You see?

Care and compassion.

See, my brother's wife.

Don't you worry, Vonnie. Don't you worry.

I'm going to be just swell.

I'm going to be just... Because of this obsession that's ruining all your fun.

Well, you didn't tell me, for that is really unfair.

Do you know what I think? What?

If there's no wounds in the body, Molly might have been poisoned.

Oh.

Fatty liver.

I'd understand if you'd say you had a fatty arse.

You wife stole body shame in my arse, Henry.

Why didn't you tell me?

I don't know how that heat of his works, but I know that whatever's going on in

there, he'll be thinking about me.

Am I so monstrous that you can't even share a health scare with me?

You did call this party the Titanic.

And yourself an iceberg earlier, so... Oh, my God.

I am an iceberg.

Cold.

Unfeeling.

Enormously impactful.

I'm away to play Dede again.

Well... A wee lesson for us all the night, I'd say.

What lesson's that?

That is where secrets get you.

First rule of life, don't keep secrets for your family.

Shut up, man.

I mean, what is a family but a load of secrets that can live with each other?

When I was struggling, you's all told me no to keep things bottled up.

So let the secrets out, I say.

All right, well, I've got one I've been keeping inside.

Oh, my God, I've got one.

I've been offered a job.

Dancing.

London. Michael rang me.

Michael Ball.

Vonnie! I am so angry with you right now, but that's amazing! Are you so

excited? No, I'm furious.

I'm not taking it.

No. No way.

Get out!

I thought that... Where were they when everything was shit?

Why do they have to wait till I've got my school and we've fallen in love

I saw that anger recently.

It was never really about me.

No, it was mostly about you.

Right. But it was never about Laura.

Look how excited you got for me there.

I'm sorry.

I've been a brat.

So?

What's your secret, Laura?

May I ask what it is you're doing, sir?

I've invented an antidote.

She's no deed.

She's just in a coma.

Or my name is the Professor Frank and Albert Steiner.

Quite brilliant, sir.

Professor, you saved my life.

No. It was all you.

Too strong to die.

Unsinkable.

But no unpumpable.

Ta -da!

I'm alive.

The Professor created an antidote.

Maybe it's not time for my secret just now. Nobody's even figured out who the

murderer is.

You're the murderer, Laura.

You're the murderer.

What?

You all knew.

The whole time.

Can read you like the gruffalo hen.

Oh.

All right.

Well, here it is.

I don't want to live in this house anymore.

Okay, um, I've got a horse needs feeding. I think I'll mosey along.

Terrible case of the consumption to dial back at the manor.

You, um,

don't want to live here anymore?

I go into Erin's bedroom and she's not here now and I hate it and I'm going to

hate going into Jason's bedroom when he goes to.

I just, I think it would be good for us to go somewhere new.

I'm out on a walk.

that these haunts have put into making this house nice for you. But we are

sentimental and nostalgic, Henry, and this place will keep us longing for the

past. I put my heart into this place.

So did I.

But this place should be full of love and noise and kids running around.

This should never be a quiet house.

I know I've never been good at showing my love with romance or spontaneity

or...

Fancy sex positions.

How I show my love is with skirting boards and kitchen units and paint.

I show my love with slabs and plaster and coats of varnish and dowels and

decking and dwangs.

I show my love with dado rails.

This is the most emotional B &Q advert I've ever seen.

It's no Vincent having the break down the night, is it?

This house is my love.

For you.

This house is me.

Every part of it.

Sorry for doing a shite near Laron Henry.

Not the time, Molly.

That was no thinkable either.

You wanted to know my secret.

I mean, I've been trying new things for you, Laura.

I know you have.

I got a tattoo.

I've had my face... facialed.

No, I'm...

Deen my nut dresses.

Baron Vaughan.

Winkle. Dinger.

All for you.

But I'm not moving for this horse, Laura.

That's too much.

What are dwangs?

Everything's changing too fast.

A different house now.

I don't see any standards.

Ian Beale has been in that same house for about 30 years.

I want to be Ian Beale.

Hot chocolate sack.

Oh,

cute.

God, it goes so fast.

This maca -paca is affy's heat.

You start thinking about this charity night. Come on, get your past empty ten.

Michael Ball phoned me with a huge opportunity.

It's not an offer, Vincent.

It's an audition.

Show them that you've still got it. Then tell them to stick.

Jason's moving all of these weird wee men out of the house.

I'm lifting it higher.

It actually feels real.

What are you doing?

Henry and Laura, part two.

Five stars on the poster.

I took the job.

Vincent says no.

Wee Vincent says no.

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