Original subtitles

Jason will move out in two, three years.

Two, three decades, Millie.

I've decided to move out.

I like my parties to end up looking like a bullfight in a Cirque du Soleil

dressing room.

Sisters.

I wish I could get married.

Colette. Tiffany Scott.

Will you? Stop.

Darren, you're not proposing to me.

I am. No, you're not.

Why did you make me say that to you, Darren?

No point to go out there.

You are flawless.

You don't need to touch a thing.

I am in premium physical condition.

Twice yearly, with my doctor.

Private, obviously, no NHS.

I measure my muscle mass, my VO2 max, and my white matter hyper intensities.

And it's results day.

So, will you be paying... Vincent, what's wrong?

I'm... dying.

Again?

Okay. What did you read on Google?

No, it wasn't Google. It was my doctor.

A private doctor, obviously. No, an NHS one.

Ailey, Ailey.

Ailey, I've got a life -threatening condition.

What is it?

You said I've got a fatty liver.

Sorry, I just... Fatty liver?

This? This will be the thing that gets me.

A disease that kills you and gives you a slagging at the same time.

It says here it can be resolved by making some lifestyle changes.

Well, I'm not going to make any changes to my lifestyle, Ellie. I'm Scottish.

Why don't you call Vonnie and... Vonnie?

Vonnie does not do illness.

Ellie, right? Vonnie hates sick people.

I'm from the theatre.

Talk to me about feeling ill after you have balanced on Michael Cropper's

shoulders in a white leotard whilst suffering from cataclyphmic diarrhoea.

Well, tell Henry and Colette.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. There is me way I'm going to tell that

lot that I have got a disease with the word fatty, innit?

There you are, Matty.

Thank you.

You cannae beat a well -fired roll, Darren, eh?

Saturday roll call.

A wee thing of sometimes day to get the family together on a Saturday.

For roles.

Good in times of trouble.

You alright?

You're wearing sleeves today and everything.

I'm done with this.

Oh my God.

Stop looking at me like that.

Darren's been doing since I halted the marriage proposal.

But we're not financially ready for the wedding I want.

Nae horse -drawn carriage, nae marriage.

Darren is actually happy that I knocked back his proposal.

Ain't you, Darren?

Right, Darren.

De Niro time.

Aye.

And tell them why you're happy.

So we can have the big wedding Colette has always dreamed of.

That we've always dreamed of.

Sorry, aye.

We.

Brutal.

Telling him not for all this dream wedding push you'll never be able to

I bet he feels like a clown.

Do you think?

Do you feel like Bozo the clown?

I don't know.

Is Bozo a sad or a happy clown?

God, it was near and awe.

Oh!

The next stage of the dying process?

Eating a well -fired row while the family banners whipping back and forth a

magic denial.

Yes, man!

Sausages! Mad cow disease, star hang?

No!

Ah, God love you, Cullet, God love you.

We'll still be ripping into one another when we're old and grey, wouldn't we?

Ah, wouldn't we?

Nothing's got to stop that. Listen,

no even a nook could kill me.

Oh, don't talk about nooks.

I know.

Hearing horrible things like that can cause trauma to your developing brain.

Oh, sorry Darren.

You hear that one, Henry?

Don't say hanged about now, because stop it. I heard it.

I love Saturday roll call, Henry. Bring it here, bro.

I love it, man. I love you.

Vincent, you don't think you're getting away with the truth of it, do you?

Oh, Moira, slimp it fashionable.

Everyone slimps out when you get a rump that size.

The same shape as your da.

There's my moth swagging me up into his wheel like, yes, magic.

Ah, well, you better watch, case you draped deed just like him.

Of all the times to go there.

Oh, I miss my... I'm away to the toilet.

And in that moment, I resolved within myself, I'm not dying.

I'm fighting.

Only guy is he still a pep talk when he goes for a Barry White.

Well, if Vincent's fighting, I might as well throw this out there.

So I'm taking three to get her ears pierced next week?

Are you hell?

I am.

Is there something wrong with you?

Why would a baby need earrings?

I think they'll look nice.

Nothing says the mother's a roaster like earrings on a baby.

In some cultures, it's perfectly normal to pierce baby girls' ears.

Culture? Yeah.

We're talking about Colette here.

She doesn't have any culture.

What about you, Chilty John?

You all right with that?

Am I right with this as well?

Aye.

What do you make of this, Laura?

Me, erm...

Do you know, we still have some of that protein powder that Darren left last

time. I think I'll go make him a wee shake to cheer him up.

I'm after protein as well.

You see what you've done?

A wilty donor.

You know what?

See your well -fired role?

You can get it well -fired up your arse.

Treating me like a panto villain.

It's my way.

I'll do what I want with her.

Oh, no, you won't.

Since Jason said he was moving out, my dad's been in overdrive mode with all

rules and commandments.

Lovely room.

What's that?

My new brief.

What do you think?

You bought a motor, without taking your da.

Full MLT, good mileage, I got a good price for it.

I bet you did.

That's the dream scenario for E -Shark.

Young lassie walking in without her da.

Aye, alright Jeremy Clarkson Listen to that,

that sounds like a cap that's better than he Now, I would have known to take

if you took me with you I mean, did you think to look underneath?

Probably a Flintstones motor Watch Now, that thing should mere

work done when Dolly Parton Yeah Never mind Ernst's new motor I've got

better

What?

I got a flat sorted.

Move in at the end of next month.

Dodgy motors, ears getting pierced, new flats.

There's too much going on.

My gigging gear barely fixed me since I had the way in. I wish I could go on a

spend to the spree and really diva my... You cannae.

I know I cannae.

We're saving for our dream wedding in 50 years.

Are you going to be sad about this proposal forever?

No forever.

Just until I die.

And are you actually fine with three getting their ears pierced or no?

Aye.

Drop the smile.

Just say.

I'm feared to say anything in case you break my heart into a million pieces

again. Fear?

Do you know what?

See if I'm such a baddie.

then I'm going to look a total baddie on that stage.

I will go on a spending spree.

I was telling the deli guy about the time I gave Miriam Margulies the

manoeuvre and she spat the mezzo ball so hard that it obliterated Gary Wilmot's

rape.

What in Christ sandals are you wearing?

I am wearing a trackie.

Don't say that word. I'm going to have to sage the house now.

What is going on?

Do you think I enjoy wearing a trackie?

Me? The Glaswegian Jared Leto?

But if I'm going to survive, I need to get fit.

Vonnie, you're about to witness a physical transformation that will

generation. The only thing that tracksuit will inspire is a divorce.

Let's be health people.

I would rather be a standby rumple teaser in cats.

Well, wait until you see what a rumple teaser I'm going to be when I've

optimised my nutrition for lean muscle mass.

I don't know what that means.

It means, baby, that you better get ready for a whole new Vincent.

Another one!

You're no moving to a street.

My pals thought I meant it's moving out.

They asked me if I wanted the room.

I was like that.

Did they adept us for all the task parts of the Zeno in the woods?

How no?

Because that area is like something on Arcos.

It looks lovely, Jason.

Oh, well, of course you think it looks nice.

But that's because you didnae come up with me.

Youse don't see the things I see.

Youse don't have street eyes.

Street eyes?

Right, look, look.

What do you see?

Someone has nice plants outside their door.

Right. That's pampas grass.

That is how swingers make themselves known to one another.

Street eyes.

Why is he so obsessed with swingers?

Right. Look, what do you see here?

A bus felt.

Right. It's a bus shelter.

Which means the young team hanging about at night, getting off on a bocky and

bravado. And look, here comes Jason, off the bus, straight back for a comic

convention, dressed as Jar Jar Binks.

Have you scoped a play suit?

No. Have you drove about the area on a Saturday night to see who's up to what

rocket spotting?

No.

Well, that's what your dad's for.

It's stakeout time.

I've hired Darren as my personal trainer.

And he is going to push me to physical extremes so intense that you will not...

I'm sorry, Vincent.

I just can't face it.

I'm the one that's supposed to be saying that to you.

I'm too emotionally fragile to watch you doing burpees.

Darren, listen.

I need to get healthy right now, right?

And this is not you. Snap yourself out of here.

Get yourself a fat couch.

and personally train me let me put my

ice cream back in the freezer that's it

right right tell me come on tell me come on that's it right push Vincent come on

oh you touched me too hard come on ouch

oh yeah

How many is that now?

Seven heart pieces.

Just heading into the wind temple.

Get off of us, witch!

That's it. Come on.

Give it to me.

Oh.

You want to talk about Colette?

I need new stage clothes.

You're my diva.

You're coming shopping with me. Oh, but I've got nothing.

It's your fault Darren proposed to me. You owe me.

Now get your posh wee arse in gear, Ginger Rogers.

Look, don't take what Colette says to heart, all right?

She's... She's direct fit, boy.

Tell me about it.

She's a rock -hard, soap -and -wet miter.

toe blasted straight into your dish.

And she stings.

But that's why we love her.

Well, kind of love her.

That's why we like her.

I don't care about a big wedding.

I just love to be Mr.

Colette Scott.

Dan, listen, Colette always used to talk about finding the perfect man and

having the perfect wedding.

She still does.

Nothing's changed.

Something has changed.

She doesn't talk about finding the perfect man anymore.

I know.

Cos you found him.

Where is he?

Do you mean me?

Aye. I mean the you before you stopped taking protein and started having ice

cream for breakfast.

Look, big man, it wasn't he, I know.

Well, it sure felt like one.

No, it was just a pre -yes, definitely eventually, but not yet.

Now, are you going to make my life a living hell or no?

Right. Get to the top of these decks.

And lift the knees!

Come on!

Go!

By the way,

I like your vest.

Yes!

Come on!

Huh? He should be the one paying me.

No condescension intended, but can you afford all this?

Nobody tells Colette Scott what she can and cannae dare.

No my ma, no Henry, and no my overdraft.

Love it.

Oh, you cannae knock back a proposal.

You shouldn't get the Wayne's ears pierced.

Can't and shouldn't, two cheeks of the same dull earth.

Henry does whatever he wants.

And Vincent, God, at least ten times a year he wakes up deciding he's a new

Changes who he is more than Doctor Who. And he's regenerated into a massive

arsehole who I'd happily strangle with his tracksuit bottoms.

You know what, Vonnie?

You are right.

It's not a spending spree I need.

It's a killing spree.

Collect!

I do feel better now I know he's moving in a pal, but... I mean, do we know

these pals?

Well, I know one's called Crack Pipe.

Crack Pipe? Yeah, I think it's ironic because he's so square.

Is that Vincent?

Running?

That's not all.

As I get healthy, I want to inspire my family to do the same.

A rising tide, after all, lifts all ships.

So first port of call, Henry, the human longboat.

See, you two should be taking a bit more of a leaf out of my book.

I mean, you, Laura, you're starting to get a wee bit high on your own supply

lately, if you know what I mean.

High on my own supply?

Well,

at least I'm not alarmingly sweaty.

Aye, you better shut your mouth.

And you...

I'm starting to sprout a wee pair of diddies there, bro, you know.

Are you coming into my house wearing a bin bag and a wig and telling me I've

tits?

You know what you're eating here?

Henry, a tin of pie.

Come on.

What is this pish?

What's going on with you?

Nothing. This is just how perfect... They're perfect, Henry.

Perfect doesn't get my tin of pie out the bin.

It's perfect.

Who's that?

Probably the cholesterol police.

Flora, take the baby into the other room.

I'm about to destroy my brothers.

A baddie?

Oh, I've been a saint the past couple of years to keep things nice in this

family. But no more.

I'll get my wainsiers pierced and discontinue a wedding proposal if I

See if that makes me a baddie?

Fine. Why don't you know what this baddie hints are used to?

Well, I haven't said anything about weddings or ears, so I'm excluded for

insults, all right? You're pathetic.

Oh, come on.

You're that needy for love. You change who you are at a drop of a hat. I'm no

needy. Oh, please don't say I'm needy.

Beat a man?

No Vonnie stumperin'. What's that mean?

It means you've got the backbone of a slab where he watched it.

I'm at you laughing at, you lanky, chip -stack -legged bastard.

We wee diddies. We wee diddies.

Nothing anybody does is good enough.

It's daft.

Your songs are pish.

You're dead or else, Ben.

It has been. You have been a boot up my hole since the day and ever I arrived on

this planet.

You're as judgemental as my ma, Henry.

Aye, but you've no got the boys to get into the court of Judge Moira shouting

the odds.

Well, we'll see about that, eh?

Judging me, I'm an amazing mother!

Lana, I forgot the when!

This is our favourite restaurant. This is where we come to eat, drink and be

merry. And this is where tracksuit Vincent goes to die.

I'll have the linguine with seafood and a bottle of Malbec for starters.

And no wine for me, thank you.

Sorry? No wine?

No, I've stopped drinking.

Agile!

Sorry, is that a question, or has your Botox just malfunctioned? You...

gone insane.

I'm half it.

The three most vile words in the English language.

You take that back.

I'm half it.

It's like being in a cop show.

I'm going to put it there through the joint.

Look,

May streets can look alright in a Wednesday afternoon, but if you're

about moving somewhere, you need to stake it out on a Saturday night.

That's when the werewolves come out. I've still got so much to teach, Jason.

That's the second person to go in and out the close.

Do you think we'd have cop names like Cagney and Lacey?

Neighbours probably get a reinforced steel door and a steady stream of

through the night buying wee packages.

Jason wouldn't even notice.

Thorne and McConkie.

Vice. I've put up scaffold everywhere in this city and he doesn't ask me if a

place is alright to live.

He's got to make his own discoveries, Henry.

He used to ask me a hundred questions, I know.

Next thing we know,

the neighbours turn Jason into a drugs meal.

That scenario's ridiculous, Orne.

No, it's not.

That would totally happen to me.

I'd settle down for the night to watch my murder shows. And who rocks up on the

warpath?

You got something to say about my wensiers?

They're a bit sticky out.

Just like yours were before you had them pinned back.

About getting them pierced, I mean.

You do what you want.

You do it anyway.

Everybody's making me out to be a pure baddie since... since I said naughty

Darren. Poor Stoner McGregor.

Well, the apple doesn't fall fast through the tree, mammy.

That's right, hen.

I am a baddie.

And so are you.

What do you mean?

Any woman with a bit of something about them.

Is a baddie.

We have to be.

A wee lassie.

We need daddy.

Growing up where she did.

Aye. She was a baddie alright.

Cos I raised her to be one.

You don't think it's terrible, I tell Darren, no?

No. You use the most important word in a woman's vocabulary.

And that is never the wrong thing today.

I hope you're right. A woman has to decide.

For herself and make it known.

Now bugger off and let me watch my murders.

Can I join you?

What is this?

True crime?

Aye.

So I'm just expected to have a fitness board for a husband now.

Is there a reason for this?

I shouldn't have to tell my wife that I've got a fatty liver for her to

me getting healthy.

What remark did I make to instigate this mental discombobulation?

Nothing. Did I say that some actor had a hot body?

What if this isn't about you, Vonnie? What if I just love it?

But you don't love it!

You have always said that people with gym memberships should be euthanized.

That was because I was jealous of their tight, sexy bodies.

This is about me.

I just... I just love feeling that pump.

So do I, but not from this guy.

I'm more confident.

I'm full of bigger.

Exactly what the world needs. A vigorous idiot.

She's no rang by the way.

The last person you want working on a roof with you is an energetic dafty.

You know what, Vonnie?

I think you need me more as an excuse than as a partner.

I think that you need me messy.

I need you messy.

There.

Now you're messy.

Can I?

I'm terribly sorry.

Your torta de mele is a little hat now.

We've not had a fight like this for a long time.

Yep.

Have you missed it?

Would you like to come back to mine?

You have to admit it is a quiet wee street.

Too quiet.

They're moving on.

And you want things to be perfect for them.

But not so perfect that they... Don't need you to go and fix something for

now and again.

Henry, look at me.

They'll be fine.

Aye.

Aye. Let's hit a bar, my conky.

I don't know why yous have been hanging about here all night, but this is a nice

street and we don't need weirdos creaking about.

Weirdos? Taste yourself before I phone the police.

Wait. Are you... Jason's man, da?

Aye. Oh, man.

I thought you were a couple of mad swingers or something.

Lovely to meet you. I'm crack tight.

Hi, crack pipe. I'm Laura. This is my husband's street eye.

Oh, aye.

Jason said you were brilliant at fixing things.

Did he?

You wouldn't mind, eh, jumping up to the flat, taking a look at the room Jason's

moving into.

The radiator.

Sleeping.

Aye. Hey, borough.

The Wayans will grow up and move on.

But they're always going to need their da.

And their ma.

They're always going to need you.

Ma! What is it?

I've sold this dress!

I cancelled the ear piercing.

No cause of pressure.

But because my wee lassie will decide for herself what happens with her own

body. She's going to be her own woman.

Her own wee baddie.

like her mommy and her granny.

And so the cycle goes.

Some insecurity leads to a ridiculous obsession.

We fight about it. We work it off.

And the new Vincent vanishes in a puff of snow.

Right, come on, Benny boy.

You're on fire here.

I got another scan.

My doctor, private, no NHS, obviously.

He says I'm improving.

And I tell you, I feel good.

I've got a feeling that this Vincent is here to stay.

Well,

that's pissed in my Prada.

Yours and Bonnie's character card?

I'm throwing a murder mystery party.

A wonderful evening of mystery and secrets.

My name is Baron Von Winkledinger.

Arizona Buffalo.

Betty the Scullery Maid.

I cannae believe your deed.

I know, it's sad.

Can you get a pillow for my head? Don't keep secrets for your family.

I'll go to a fatty liver.

Ask insightful questions and try to solve the crime.

Baron, did you murder Molly?

I think I'm just going to go, aye.

Maybe.

I hope you don't start getting typecast as a genius.

Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0