Original subtitles

I just love your sister, boys.

Cannae help flatten that big sexy bum bit.

I want yous to know that I'll never be around by it. This is your seat here,

right beside my dad's chinos.

I have long -standing issues with my dad.

He never taught me anything.

It can be a bit much when they all get together, eh?

Enough!

I think it is time that Darren joined our sisterhood.

Sisters. Sisters.

Sisters.

So, I decide to treat my ma to a wee surprise visit.

You want to treat me? But let me know in advance when you're coming, so I can

arrange to be out.

Somebody was insulating a law, and she got them to bring down all the old boxes

lying up there so she could dump them.

And what's in these boxes?

Your things.

Your memories.

Your past.

Leave the past where it belongs.

in the bin.

Hey!

I thought it would be fun to get the family over to go through all this stuff

together.

Can you believe that my ma was just gonna throw this stuff out?

There'll be a lot of rubbish no worth keeping. My ma's just no a hoarder.

Not like you.

Right, all right, Marie Kondo.

See, if you were just to keep the stuff that sparks joy in you, the only thing

you'd have in your house is that Nick Knows DVD about DIY disasters.

I can't put up a banister with it using a stud finder.

Well, I was at my mum's last week and I found my old Jamie Theakston calendar.

This'll be fun.

Yeah, my dad's old Celtic programmes are in here.

I'll be keeping these. This'll remind me of that Celtic Motherwell game my dad

said he would take me to.

But never did.

Aye, well.

The programme's just like being there, ain't it?

Oh, everybody's here.

Can I look now?

Aw.

That old disco dancing costume.

You'd get 40 quid and boo -hoo for this.

Makes me boo -hoo that you think 40 quid is a lot of money.

Shh. That's the wind down.

Let's try and keep the nose down a wee... Oh, my little pony.

Dig deeper, Darren.

You might find a top wi' slaves.

Laura, Darren.

Hi. Since this lot will be wallowing in nostalgia, I've set up a little surprise

treat for the sisterhood.

Really?

Sisters. Sisters.

Sisters.

Here's the thing about boxes up lofts. There's always family secrets inside

them. And I'm going to find them.

Oh, hey.

That'll be my higher art folder.

Man!

Shinji's Evangelion. Well, I was going through a wee Kadokawa shot -in period.

Coincided with canny -get -a -burden period.

Can I take this and put it up on my wall in my new place when I move out?

Mate, absolutely.

Listen, there's nobody else on this planet I would trust, Mayor, with my

bio -machine.

Oh, yep.

Sis. Old Glen Campbell vinyl.

When was Glen no playing in the house, eh?

I am a linesman at Ross County.

No, no, no, listen, do not disrespect the greatest song ever written, mate,

right?

What is this?

That's a nun.

Do you get out of me, Jason?

Who is that?

I don't know.

Is that my granda?

No. My ma's gathered my dad's ashes at Pollock Park.

My gran are granda Devlin?

No, they were buried.

Granny Scott, I know.

Grandascot? Aye.

He was cremated, but the family bent a scar on my lard, and they all got pushed

and left them on the train.

Lost them.

Well, who could they be?

There's only one way to find out.

Let's talk to my mammy.

Now, you will have noticed that I look amazing all of the time.

Aye.

Well, I'll let you in on one of my secrets.

The Glam Squad.

On call 24 -7.

And today, ladies, they're all yours.

Laura, this way.

They're kind of like the Avengers.

If the Avengers were wee lassies with infermline with too much make -up on.

Why are you sitting like that?

Who is Dean?

Nave to his Dean.

Well, no lately.

Who's us?

Oh, shite.

Well? No point in lying now.

It's your feather.

What?

This is amazing.

I've never been glam by a squad before. What's your name, pal?

Emma. And that's a name you'll never forget. Cos I am going to rock your

gorgeous. Oh, wow.

Glam me up.

These girls are so dramatic.

They're worth every penny.

A guy could get used to this.

You know, Darren,

as sisters, Laura and I tell one another everything, don't we?

Everything? Pretty much.

We talk about our hopes and our dreams, our sex lives.

I don't want to hear about Henry's Peely Wally bum thrashing about or anything

like that.

That's too intense for me.

That's what the sisterhood's all about, Darren.

Sharing. But we rarely get a chance to properly talk with you.

Not with Colette standing guard finishing all your six syllables.

So today we're going to relax, get glam, and get to know Darren and what he

wants from life.

Colette! What do you want for life?

How can it be my da?

You scattered my da in Pollock Park.

I know I said I, but I never actually did.

What?

He wanted his ashes scattered at Celtic Park.

And he don't allow that?

No. But he liked Pollock Park.

So I went to sprinkle him round there.

Sprinkle? It's my da, no icing sugar.

Then I thought, bugger that.

He's no going there either.

How no?

Cos I like Pollock Park and I don't want his spirit hanging about it like a duck

fart. So you put him up the loft?

I nearly poured him down a stank first outside his local.

He went in the wardrobe, then the drying cupboard, then the loft, then I forgot

all about him.

So you're telling me that my dad's been in the house all these years, just being

ignored? What did you want me to do? Make him mince and toties?

So what do you want us to do with him?

I've made my peace with that man.

Youse do what youse want with him.

Brown bin.

For organic matter, mind.

Mummy, go and stop.

Oh, look there, Jean.

Here's to take me away to the bingo, aye.

I'm away.

Well, are we going to tell you?

What have you found?

The chance to discover some embarrassing family photos hidden in these boxes.

Home time.

Gran hasn't changed.

We are going to uncover some dark family secrets.

Do you think my da actually played with these things?

I was a wee guy once.

It's literally impossible to imagine my da as a wee guy.

Do you think he just walked about his primary school with a wee toolbox to fix

something?

Miss, who put that shelf up?

Cowboys, miss.

Here's one of my dad's old school chores.

Right, da.

Let's find out who you really are.

So,

what do you want to know?

I'll go first.

First crush.

Oh, you can speak freely in front of the glam squad.

We're like priests.

We take it to the grave.

Okay.

My first crush was the Cadbury's Caramel Bonnie.

For the adverts.

I remember her.

Aye. Lovely voice. Wee scarf.

Intelligent. New hunters about chocolate.

She is a really amazing figure for a rabbit.

Listen, don't tell Colette I told you about the caramel bunny.

Why not?

She gets pure jealous about it.

I don't care if she's a drawn... She's a fucking wee boot.

Let's get to the red meat.

Ultimate sexual fantasy.

Bonnie,

I'm getting a pure beamer here.

But I'll tell you's right.

My ultimate sexual fantasy is to take Colette's bra off.

But you must have done that hundreds of times.

Aye, and I cannae wait to do it again.

Oh, Darren, that is such a cute wee sexual fantasy. You are so lovely.

Can I ask you's questions?

My ma says he wanted scattered at Celtic Park.

It's not allowed.

What were his favourite places?

I'll tell you favourite places.

The pub, the bookies, and between Mary Ferry's legs.

I don't think she'll let them scatter him going there.

You know, there are other options that don't involve just pouring him out like

shaken vac.

What options?

We could get the ashes turned into a diamond.

That's a good idea.

He cannae turn my da into a diamond.

How no?

Cos he'll pawn himself to buy cans.

Stop talking about my da like that.

He's right there.

Henry.

Our wee daddy.

Jesus Christ.

Do you think I was lying in bed thinking about him all these years and he was

right there the whole time?

Ten feet above my head.

In a cardboard box.

Beside he, man.

Listen, let me throw this out here.

Can I keep him?

Once upon a time, a little crab went to a wishing well and wished for the

biggest claws in the world.

And the wish came true.

But then his claws were too big for his body and he could not walk anywhere.

And he had no pennies to make another wish.

And so he died.

The end.

Well,

my da once put his cell inside the mind of a wee crab and created a tragic

fantasy. My da, that guy.

Well, there's your big family secret.

My da had an imagination once.

No,

there's more to be discovered.

Let's go.

Right, Bonnie, sister, here's a question for you.

Hit me.

What's something that has made you cry more than once?

God, Darren.

My two small dance shoes, which are two sizes too small.

Were you going to go on a diet to fit into them?

And lose weight on my feet.

Right enough.

I was young, in London, in skin, and I spoke to my mum on the phone about my

dance shoes disintegrating.

And a week later, these arrived.

Silly pink laces.

Two sizes too small. She had no idea what size my feet were.

I could never wear them, but oh God, I love them.

I used to take them to every audition.

Every show.

Stuffed into my bag.

It was proof that my mum cared.

Even just a bit.

God, I'm off again.

Not just...

In our first flat, there was an old man who lived next door, Mr

Leonardi.

And one Christmas day... Oh, God, Christmas day.

What have I done?

Go and get more tissues from the van.

Vincent, you're not keeping them.

Henry,

I'll do something nice to him. You know, some wee family photographs through

them, maybe some wee candles.

A shrine.

You're going to make the bastard a shrine?

Stop it, Henry.

You always talk about my dar that he was horrible.

You spoil my memories of him. You barely remember him.

I remember he was good to me.

And kind.

And he would take me nice places.

When?

Loads of times.

You must be thinking of some dar off the telly.

Johnny Briggsie's dar or something.

I mind my dar taking me and Vincent to Sulcoats for the day.

And he bought his candy floss for the van.

That was Henry that took you to Salcote's.

Well, I mind my tooth came out.

And when my dad thought I was sleeping, he put a pound under my pillow for the

tooth fairy.

More likely my ma put two pound under there and he was stealing a pound after

you.

We'll be deciding what to do with your ashes, my man. I'm just no having

keeping him like he's the king in there.

No after the way my dad treated him.

Look, my dad just didn't really get me, all right?

I don't remember him being that bad. I do.

I remember he would take me places and leave you crying and begging at the door

to come I've always been a bit of a crier butty anyway I can still hear you

calling after us I deserved it at times but you know I was a bit of a boy A bit

of a boy?

I was You were a wee guy that drew wee robot geangelion angelelions or whatever

it is Neo -Genesis Evangelion I was annoying but I'm annoying you cannae

that You were a wien!

And he wouldn't give you the time of day because you don't care about football

or boxing or... Well, maybe I should have tried harder to get along with him

then. I'm not listening to this.

He's gone down the toilet.

Henry! Henry! Henry, geez, my da! Henry, stop him!

Don't you spill my da!

He does not deserve for you to look after him, Vincent.

It's not for him.

It's for me.

Maybe this whole thing has just been... My da trying to find his way back to me.

Aye.

Back round the U -Bend.

What a stubborn shite.

I think a bit of my da maybe just went up my nose there.

Maybe Henry's the one with a hazy memory.

If my da was really that bad, I'd remember.

I asked Mr Leonhardy what he was doing for Christmas dinner.

He said that he was standing out with his son and his family, but... Oh, no.

Henry found out that his son and family had moved to America that year.

No. Oh, Laura!

And his forgiveness is so awful!

Darren! I'm sorry!

Oh!

Right, he is off questions.

We are back to finding out what Darren wants.

If I Ginny offered you three crackers, I wish each, what would it be?

Aren't these girls just amazing?

It's going to have to be.

I'm going to have to do all your mascara again.

Dream phone.

What's dream phone?

You have to figure out what boys fancy you.

You're all right.

Come on, I know you're essentially a lesbian, but would you not still be

to find out what boys fancied you?

If I heard somebody fancied me, I'd be on my dream phone to all the boys.

All right, Spencer?

You into me?

All right, Dale?

Dale? Dale, you into me?

Somebody's drawn love hearts on this one.

Oh, my God, that looks exactly like Darren.

Black beard, nae sleeves.

That is Darren.

Colette's not changed.

Lynne Weir is a cow.

I changed a bit.

Oh my God.

I found the dark family secret.

Well,

if I had one wish, I know what it is.

But it's scary to say it loud.

I wish I could get married.

Oh, Taryn.

Well,

she's right next door.

Make that wish come true.

I cannae.

Have you never heard Colette talk about her getting married?

We cannae afford a wedding just now.

I want my big day to be special.

I'm not having a wee registry office shiter after that Lynn Wears had her

wedding at actual Duck Bay Marina.

Well, the only way you're going to have a wedding like Colette talks about is if

you win the lottery.

Which could happen.

The thing is,

we're hurting free.

I feel like I've already won the lottery.

Oh, my heart just melted.

Do you hear the cringe I've got to put up with?

How did a cynical wretch like me end up in a gang with two of the most

sentimental, corny people in the land?

I'm actually quite fond of them, though.

A dark family secret uncovered?

Is it a murder?

Is it a sister who's really your mum?

No. It's worse.

It's... A Sega Mega Drive.

What? They never had a Sega Mega Drive. Well, obviously they did stop shooting.

You don't understand.

Uncle Vincent hates Segas and people who have Segas. He always says he would

never allow one in his house.

And yet, the box holds the truth.

I'm actually buzzing.

I've never uncovered a mystery before.

You better watch, Jason.

This is the kind of knowledge that gets people killed.

I'm going to set that mega drive up.

I cannae wait to see his face when he realises I've caught him out.

This is massive.

Maybe Colette is telling you not to ask her as a defence mechanism in case you

really don't want to.

Like reverse psychology.

I cannae deal with front -wise psychology, never mind reverse.

Knowing Colette, if she was ready to get married, she would have told him by

now.

Right, hurry up.

Oh,

please don't tell Colette. I was impersonating her.

But what if she never tells me? And we'll never get the money.

And it never happens.

Someone needs to tell Colette that barely anyone has the perfect situation

they get married.

Yeah, that person could be you.

Vincent and I were drunk throughout.

Laura had a shotgun wedding.

That's the coolest thing about me.

I had a shotgun wedding.

Makes me sound all gangster.

Aye. Well, I haven't out be an actual gangster who kept an actual shotgun

his bed, so calm down, Tommy Shelby.

What if she says no?

Well, it will hurt like hell, and then you will return to the sisterhood, and

will make you feel a bit better.

Do you want to know what made me cry more than once?

What?

You've let me into the sisterhood.

Nobody's ever.

Asked me to join their gang before.

No, Laura.

Hold it.

Darren's got a very important decision to make.

Glam squad, take me to the next level.

I'm going to propose to the love of my life.

Can he definitely no be scattered at Celtic Park?

No. Football teams don't allow it.

How? Because too many people would want it.

The players will need a shovel to find the ball under all that ash and bone.

Sounds like some of the council pitches I used to play on.

Here's what I think.

My dad might be dead in there.

But he's been living in Vincent's head for the last 30 years.

Vincent lives in my dad every day.

He should decide what happens to him.

So what are you going to do, Bill?

Here we go.

Scariest moment of my life.

Darren, you're absolutely gorgeous.

Did you look like that when we arrived?

You used to be about to lip -sync for your life.

Colette, I've got something I have to ask you.

Colette. Tiffany Scott.

Tiffany?

Now I know we're known a palace in the Himalayas.

And I know I've no get the ring.

You told me under no circumstances whatsoever was I to pick a ring myself.

Darren.

But I've got this onion ring.

It's a wee placeholder.

That was my idea.

And what I want to know is... Will you... Stop.

Get up.

Colette, I'm trying to... Get off your knees.

Did you two put him up to this?

No. No.

Darren, you're not proposing to me.

I am. No, you're not!

Get up!

Darren, don't make me say no to you because I'll say it.

You know I want a lavish bells and whistles boz -out wedding.

A boz -out wedding?

And what could we afford?

You even had to make a joke of things with an onion ring.

That was silly, Darren.

And that's what we could have.

A wee cheap onion ring of a wedding.

But if we wait until we can afford... No!

There's been too many compromises in my life.

I decided not to be an R &B superstar because I wanted to raise my child.

I've dreamt of this fairy tale wedding since I've been a wee lassie.

Just as they get compromised.

Onion ring.

Front of my dad, no.

Front of your dad?

No point you've got to be.

Why is there an urn next to me?

Darren.

Oh.

Never mind feeling sorry for Darren.

He knows I want to get married.

Just no yet.

Why did you make me do that to you, Darren?

Oh, darling.

Come here.

And this is what the sisterhood is really all about.

Comfort for each other.

When this batshit family hits us with a curveball, which is all the effing time.

Sorry.

I'm just remembering Mr. Leonardo as well now.

You all good?

All good, man.

All good.

Well, if the nature wants to stay and play some games.

Sweet. I'll join them.

Hi. Bye now. Right, bye.

A sound I have nae heard for a long, long time.

Golden Axe. Mega Drive.

Right, right.

Running out of magic.

Right. Right, right, right, right.

Ah, I do.

Oh, explain this, mister. I hate Sega consoles, nobody that had one.

Why was this in a box?

Christmas, 1990.

I got a mega drive.

Best present I'd ever got for my ma, my da.

Me and Henry set it up, just playing, just carrying on, just wee guys carrying

on, and I'm shouting, oh, you're button bashing, you're button bashing.

And my da comes in and he just pulls it right out the wall and he says, oh,

you'll get that back when you're still being such a greeting -faced wee

embarrassment, he says.

Never got it back.

I just thought he'd pawned it.

I remember what it was like already.

Ran away from home when I was 17 to be with you

on the California coast.

Drinking margaritas all night in the old cantina.

Out on the California coast.

Don't think that I'm ungrateful.

Don't look so low.

but we came pretty close adios

adios

going up north for the hills of winter green i gotta leave

you beautiful day pitch looks perfect And look where we are there.

Right on the centre spot.

And that's you here.

Forever and ever.

Beautiful day for a wee tour of the stadium, Dad.

Just me and you.

And me, Johnny, you bastard.

Listen,

thanks for organising that wee tour, Ronnie.

You never suspected a thing.

My pleasure, Vince.

I'll make a blue nose of you yet.

Eh? Morn.

Eh? Pipe.

Eh? Come on.

What's wrong?

I'm dying.

Again? He said I've got fatty liver.

Why didn't you call Bonnie?

Bonnie does not do illness.

Come on.

Ouch. Darren is actually happy that I knocked back his proposal.

Rowan, are you going to buy a motor?

Take your bath.

I've got a flat sorted.

I've been scoped to play through it.

No, it's stakeout time.

The neighbor's turned Jason into a drugs meal.

Treating me like -

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