Original subtitles

Laura doesn't want to sit twiddling her thumb until her grandkids arrive. She

wants adventure.

She got tattoos.

Being pregnant put me on the back, but this boss bitch is back.

Hello, darling!

Go on, darling.

All I've made is this.

We are the Vonnie Scott School of Dance.

I haven't felt that way about work since I was in the West End. That is so nice.

And totally hammered in the cafe.

Kind of spoiled it.

has become gentrified.

Preach, sister.

My only hope of getting a fright at the cinema these days is when Kenneth

Branagh attempts an accent.

Well, your husband has made you the most exquisite breakfast.

Perfect. Some sustenance before my performative etiquette today. I'm having

very fancy, elegant, day -drinky party with some dance mums and a very special

VIP. Vincent Scott MD.

I said VIP, not FUD.

Touché. Margie Grant is coming.

Self -made businesswoman, pacemaker and champion of the arts. And if I play my

cards right, patron of the Bonnie Scott School of Dance.

OK, well, I've booked that baldy saxophone guy.

Everybody loves him. No, wrong vibe. There's prestige attached to Margie's

OK, well, I've booked the most amazing DJ.

No, think Ladies Who Lunch.

Margie's patron would mean that the world is beginning to take notice of

I'm doing up here.

Yeah. What about that sexy wee statue lassie who stands still oddy? No.

This can't be one of our debauched parties.

For this woman, it's Pim Nibbles Genteel Elegant.

There would be a real quote in the jewellery box if she decided that the

wasn't worth her time.

You know, I'm actually looking forward to an exchange of ideas with a business

operator on my level, you know? Don't you dare.

Margie Grant is not your peer.

Um,

we're peery.

There's definitely a certain peerishness about us. She's a Moscow ballet.

You are a half -arsed macarena at a double -grazing salesman's fourth

Wow. No offence.

I love you.

Do not embarrass me.

I cannae take another baby birthday party to Adam.

Ah, remember we've got baby sensory first.

I know, rolling about the ground, listening to horrific music, where some

permanently happy bastard shines lights on your face.

Says the lassie who never missed one tea in the park.

I'm an amazing mother.

Everybody says it all the time.

Not one person has ever said it. But I would need an epidural in the heat to

through the wee baby classes.

These things are good for free.

I know, but they're so boring.

I'll just take it myself.

Well, then I feel guilty.

Can we not do something else nice with you?

We could go for a walk, show us this wee ball of magic we made, then baby

sensory. Baby sensory?

Mammy lobotomy may I like.

The esteemed Margie Grant has arrived.

Now I just need to sell myself as a big, false, fakey schmooze ball.

Well, kids need challenge, and mine understand that our shows must be

Oh, absolutely. I very much believe in quality as a business model.

Quality as a business model?

That's my kind of people.

I have high expectations of myself.

I must teach. I must lead.

I must keep a limit on the drinking.

Why on earth would I bring up drinking?

Well, I'll allow myself a small glass at the weekend.

I mean, why the blooming heck not, for flip's sake.

I like my parties to end up looking like a bullfight in a Cirque du Soleil

dressing room.

But that Vonnie Scott must stay locked away.

I have a little drinky here for a woman who owns a yacht.

Not you.

Not you.

Not you.

Definitely not you, Margie.

Did you know that you are actually my nemesis? How come?

Well, your make -up products are so damn good that nobody ever has to come and

see me.

But the real magic happens when your lipstick lands on a pair of Vincent

enhanced lips.

Oh, it's like an angel making love to a unicorn. Which technically isn't

bestiality, by the way, because they're both mythological... Hiya!

Thank God, Laura.

A safe space on legs.

The gentle warmth that counteracts my glacial magnificence.

I've been thinking of doing some party catering, so Vonnie asked me to do some

fancy bakes for her fancy do.

Hey. Christ.

Oh, Big Broseph's here.

Hey. Do people like the cake?

Laura, this isn't really a Henry sort of affair.

Sorry, he just sort of invited himself.

Somebody I want you to meet. Come on, come on, come here.

Margie, this is my wee brother, Henry. Sit down.

Henry, Margie Grant.

I'm his big brother. Nice to meet you, Henry.

Henry's a bit of a business newbie.

No like us who have nothing to learn. I think if you stop learning, then you're

dead. Yep, yep, yep, yeah, me too. I mean, I think it was Steve Jobs who

stay hungry,

stay foolish.

I love that one.

Really?

Sounds like pure nonsense to me.

Henry, there's beer.

Stay foolish.

I'm a scaffolder.

I used to be up roofs.

Every day. You think anybody wants to be on a wet roof in January? We're a fool.

If some boy told me he was planning to stay foolish, boom, there's a kick in

balls in your P45.

Join a circus if you want to be clown wee man. Henry Vincent, there's some

No wonder Steve Jobs wanted people to stay foolish. They're paying 1 ,100 quid

for his phone.

I'm all angsty because Henry insulted Margie's favourite mantra.

And he's right.

Get foolish with me on stage and you end up in the orchestra pit. Head first in

a tuba.

You two. Bonnie, Bonnie, I'm so sorry. I'm going to have to go.

Go? Go where?

Jamie, at the cafe. She's sick. I need to finish her shift.

No, no, no. I need you here. I'm sorry.

Oh, Laura, you are the calming influence that's going to suppress my urge to

drop F -bombs and reminisce about threesomes with the cast of... Bonnie!

Can you just shut her?

On a Saturday afternoon.

Well, uh...

Send Henry.

Henry. Dealing with the public.

What?

I deal with customers of my own.

I'm brilliant with the public.

And do you know where they poles are going when I take them down me?

I can run the cafe for a few hours. Nae bother at all.

And Vincent will help, won't you, Vincent?

Well, I'm the Scottish Anthony Bourdain. I was born for that. If you really want

to get into catering, these are the sort of ladies that you want to meet, Laura.

Right, well, okay, fine. Oh, thank God.

But, Henry, please, can you just not be, you know,

yourself for a few hours?

Eh, excuse me, Hen.

We're a couple of successful businessmen. I think we can run a cafe

of hours.

They have no idea.

Shall we? What?

Let's go pro. Yeah.

Oh, Laura, these pastries are delicious.

Such fun to eat.

I hadn't really decided to be eaten with a fork.

So,

Bonnie, you must have some amazing stories from your days in the West End.

Oh, she has the best stories.

Yeah, I was usually straight home to bed to think about improvements.

These lies are eating away at me.

That last one made a watsuit of my soul.

Anyway, this forelock won't tug itself.

Seeing the kids progress is reward enough for me, but it is nice that the

is on the radar of the way... Oh, aye!

What's happening here?

And here comes the wrong kind of everything.

Colette! What are you doing here?

Oh, we're just trying to be walked. Thought we'd drop by.

This is nice.

Were you invited along, Laura?

Oh, I'm... I'm catering.

I'm cakes.

You're cakes, are you?

Hello, lady.

Might make myself a wee bonnie colada.

Oh, no, there's... This is a strawberries and cream and champagne

affair. There's no... Cocktails! No way!

Are you a man to grant?

Right, let's just do the basic rolls and eggs, totty scones, sausage, sack of

everything else.

You know, I've always known that I could be a world -class chef if I just turned

my hand to it, you know.

Just start buttering rolls.

I'm going to make my signature dish.

Right, where's my oregano, chef?

Vincent, we're here to keep the place tick now.

Where's my cayenne pepper, chef? I don't know where anything is.

I don't know where anything is.

Chef. Right?

I call you Chef and you call me Chef.

Have you not seen that show The Bear?

I've not seen any of the shite you watch. Chef is a mark of respect.

When the people out there hear that, they know they're in a classy

establishment. Chef.

We're here for three hours.

And it's going to be the best three hours that this place has ever seen.

Margie Grant.

A mother.

A self -made millionaire.

That's the kind of pal I need.

No these tramps I usually hang about with.

No offence, Becca, but Sharon, a pure love yeast.

I think it's wonderful when young people get the opportunity to learn from

someone who's worked at the highest level. Well, absolutely.

Agreed 100%, Margie.

I always try and pass on my knowledge of the industry to the young people who

cross my path.

Isn't that correct, Darren?

Colette just pressed the I button, Darren.

Aye.

Margie is a very keen supporter of the art. As am I, Margie.

Are you?

You know, yourself and I, we're cut from a very different cloth than the Lynn

Wears of the world.

Well, exactly.

We should exchange numbers.

Oh, collect.

Baby needs a nappy change.

I don't think so.

No, definitely.

Nappy time for Mum.

Mummy poo -poo time.

Can we just do this here?

That is so nice of you to do that for me, Bonnie.

You know, she's such a great aunt.

No, I really think you could. No, not at all. I know you love doing it.

Such a supporter of women.

I think that's fantastic, Bonnie.

The goal is just to

get through to closing time.

Oh, Henry, Henry.

Quality is my business model.

That's my goal.

Yeah.

Yeah.

How come I'm not on this wee lump collage that Laura's made on the fridge

Why would you be on it?

Eh, you're on it.

Eh, I'm her husband.

Just find the square sausage and fry some onions.

Chef.

Go and deal with that customer, chef.

Come on.

Is she okay over there?

Yeah. Nappy.

Wipes.

Not blood cream.

Oh, God. Why do they have doctors past?

She's amazing with her.

Hello, Douglas, my old friend.

Right.

Upside down and back to front.

We should head to baby sensory.

But I'm knackered.

I sang at a welcome home from jail party in Balornac last night.

Very through through.

Margie, I think Vonnie is boking from doing her anti -poo -poo time.

No, I'm fine.

I've got it all under.

You're having a nice time.

I'll take free myself and make some wee videos in case you miss anything.

You're amazing, Darren.

I'm very lucky.

I'm sure the building trade is hard going, but running a cafe, that's a real

man's game.

I could run a cafe in my sleep.

I need a tuna melt, three lasagna with chips, two macaronis with chips, and

hurry up for a chicken sandwich.

You did me say.

Come on.

What? You need to say.

Corner when you're coming round a corner, pal. Or I could walk into you

boiling pot. You want that?

Just give me a plate of food to serve.

What are you wearing on your head?

A bandana.

A dish towel on your head.

Give me food.

Lasagna and chips. It's embarrassing how we are with foreign cuisine in this

place. Give me food!

So little faith in the palate of the British public that we just fall back in

that safe default.

Serve it with chips. It comes with chips. You can do your chips. I'm going

serve you with chips if you don't give me some food to take out of there.

Is that how you shout, Henry?

Are you moonlighting in here?

Brilliant.

Oh, this is delightful, eh? A lovely wee lady lunch.

Is that all right, Laura?

I get the subtext.

What subtext?

Oh, this is lovely for a lady while a man deals with her wayne.

Pure judging me.

I never... Just because you were a perfect mother that loved every second

job.

Newsflash, Laura.

Some women don't.

And you're conforming to gender stereotypes by suggesting that the mammy

be the one going to they classes.

I never even opened them. I'm working hard.

Coming home late.

Getting an hour's sleep before I'm up again to feed her.

Oh, but God forbid I should miss seeing a woman hit her in the head with a foam

dick.

I might have been projecting some stuff onto Laura a wee bit there.

Projecting a wee bit.

That was like an IMAX.

What?

Laura gives me free food.

No, she doesn't. I told her not to.

How? Because you'd be in here for your breakfast, lunch and dinner every day,

you flybatter.

Too right, I would.

Right, what do you want? Keep in mind, we're doing emergency cover here.

Chorizo and chimichurri -chia batter.

Don't start me, Ronnie.

All right, I'll keep it simple.

Rolling sausage, please, Vincent.

Heard, shit.

The FOMO of motherhood.

You miss going out with your pals.

You go out with your pals. You miss something amazing with the rain.

Amazing.

Cheers.

Finally, just... Lovely Laura in the garden. The one person I know won't

embarrass me.

I've seen Bonnie dance many times.

First time was in Chicago.

Do you know who I think would make an amazing Billy Flynn in Chicago? Who?

Vernon Kay.

I mean, I don't know if he can sing, but he's a cheeky chappy and he looks

amazing in a short suit. I hardly think that Vernon Kay would be able to fill

the shoes of one of Fosse's great... Oh, or even better.

Dermot O 'Leary.

Dermot O 'Leary, Jesus Christ.

Laura, I think we should get some more ice.

Oh, and when you come back, you're going to tell us some showbiz stories.

Honestly, you would be bored to death. I hate to name drop, you know.

It's a roll on sausage.

Fry it up.

Put it on a roll.

Easy. Why are you in your fourth attempt at making him a sausage?

Because it's no quality, alright? It's no perfect.

I've got three old women out there waiting on lasagna and chips. It's just

sausage.

It's just a sausage?

Just a sausage?

That sums you up, Henry.

Mr. Just a sausage.

That's what we'll call you through the own, pal. Is this you saying foolish?

Because everybody out there certainly saying hungry.

Let me cook my sausage my way.

Nobody leaves the house in the morning wanting or needing a perfect sausage.

A sausage as it's sweeping up the abattoir flare is imperfect for de wine.

you, you, you are the one that's on the love fridge.

What if a me shall I critic was to walk into Laura's cafe today and our attitude

was going to be, oh, it's just a sausage.

Gee, Ronnie, a sausage.

Oh, Mr. Just a sausage wants a sausage now. Gee, the man, a sausage.

You. Make scaffolds functional, Henry.

I make faces beautiful.

That's the difference between me and you.

You know what?

You know what? You make a perfect sausage.

I'll make a functional one and we'll see if Ronnie can tell the difference.

Well, you're at my station, chef.

Margie,

do you find it hard balancing motherhood with your career?

Oh, confidently.

Really? When I heard that Adele was wearing my make -up, I had to put my

excitement to one side and go and change a shitty nappy in a soft plate toilet.

I know you're not supposed to say this, but sometimes I want a day off from

being a mother.

Oh, a long weekend would be nice.

Aye, yes.

But don't you feel like you're a terrible mum for thinking that? Oh, been

Well, you can't be there for every wee moment.

I missed one dance show because I went for drinks after work. Well, I can miss

one baby class.

And it turned out that Cara had been secretly rehearsed in a solo dance.

And I never got to see it.

Oh, God.

Oh, I don't want to miss anything, Margie.

I'm coming free!

Well, where is he?

Forty -five minutes for a rolling sausage.

When there's women out there to get fired into.

Every bone in my body hates this schmuster!

I know.

You embarrass me, Laura, with your cringe taste.

That's a dig at me, not you.

Feels a little bit more like a dick at me, but... Vincent embarrassed me.

Henry, too.

And Colette, it's vile! People should be embarrassed around me!

Shocked, outraged around.

Sis,

I love my school, but it turned me respectable.

Tay, tay, tay, tay, tay, tay, tay, tay, tay, tay, respectable!

I love that. song. So do I, but now it's my requiem.

There was a time when this woman would have made Pasolini blush.

Pasolini? What are you telling?

Oh,

where are thou, you terror of Soho, you sexy, hard -bodied Oliver Reed?

Vonnie, you're not actually respectable.

Your whole family knows you're a scandalous disgrace.

But you're also a great performer.

And if you need to pretend to be respectable for one afternoon...

Margie making herself a sneaky Vonnie Collada.

Maybe she's just pretending to be respectable too.

I think I like her.

Happy birthday, Ella.

Here you go.

Happy birthday.

Bubbles. I'm baby daft. I love bubbles.

So do you think it?

I was born to be a baby.

A daddy, I mean.

A baby as well, but... Thirst.

Daddy.

What are you doing here?

We did a mask.

Nothing.

Did you crawl or did you solo dance?

What? No.

Are you alright?

Darren, you love every wee bit of this baby stuff.

And I feel like a bad mum whenever I don't.

Don't ever feel like that.

It's shots each.

Shots for each?

You did the pregnant bit.

The hard bit.

All this stuff.

That's my shot.

Darren.

But you're getting tagged in for the reading and the dance shows.

I'm going to hate all that stuff.

I won't.

I will love the dance shows.

Oh, I love playing pass the parcel.

You're shot.

Come on.

Come on, we'll get you ready now.

Stop hugging the parcel.

Keep it moving.

Come on.

That, mate, is a perfect bone sausage.

And this, you know, hits the mark.

Functional. Cheers.

You know, I've always, eh,

had a wee idea about me and you maybe working together sometime, you know what

mean? Maybe starting up a... You and me are never working together.

Well, I'm glad we did this.

Eh? We go through it, bro.

You're right there.

Oh, my God, Vonnie.

Oh, don't judge me.

I've been trying to stop.

Me judge you?

No. In theatre land, this is the ultimate crime.

I think I've misread my audience.

Now, would you like to meet the real Vonnie Scott?

Oh, finally.

I'm desperate all day.

We all have to be respectable sometimes, sure, but I think our natural, honest

human state is wildness.

It's misbehaviour.

Do you want to hear about the time that Angela Lansbury came at me with a broken

bottle?

Absolutely.

How much did you say this might cost?

Just what I was hoping for.

I booked a babysitter in Leverton.

Well, I hope you've booked them till the morning.

Chefs are here.

Hiya.

How was everything?

Easy peasy.

Don't forget what I said. I need a DJ and is it too late to book the Baldi

saxophone players? Listen, it's done.

It's done?

My wife's Bonnie Scott.

She doesn't have boring, fancy parties.

So I kept them all on standby.

party I'm George Bowie and it's time for some TV I've got them!

It's Colette's milk.

Short speech.

Aye.

Some things he's better at.

Some things, most things, nearly everything am better at.

Georgie, gonna give free a shout out.

Big shout in the million!

Yay!

Between us, we've got it covered.

This week, I've got bouncing rhyme, soft play.

And a Paw Patrol party.

I get all the good jobs.

Go, Chef.

Help, Chef.

Yes!

Margie Grant, the actual Margie Grant, is now the official patron of the Vonnie

Scott School of Dance.

She knows a quality business when she sees it. And the lesson, trite as it may

be, is always be yourself. But only if yourself is as fantastic as Sonny Scott.

The Shiv... Of Shaftesbury Avenue.

Connor! Eh?

Laura, have you got a wee towel or something? Because I've spilled my

out there.

Oh, that's OK. I'll get that.

Thanks, darling. Thank you.

Can you believe that my ma was just going to throw this stuff out? And

these boxes?

They're past.

I've set up a little surprise treat for the sisterhood.

The glam squad.

What's that?

That's a nun.

Who's that?

It's your favourite.

What? He's gone down the toilet.

Henry! Henry, he's my daughter! I've found the dark family secret.

If I had one wish, I wish I could get married.

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