Original subtitles

It's a girl!

What's going on?

I am always suggesting things for us to do together.

You never want to go out.

Erin's away.

Jason will be away soon.

I'm not so quiet.

Baby, it's coming out!

I just wish I could do something for the family that really matters.

Maybe they don't notice, but I do.

Who wants to meet my wee lassie?

Yes, she is.

Free Britney and change the score.

In our family, Friday night was always a night in. And we take away round the

telly with the kids.

But Erin and Jason are grown up now.

Baby, you're the one.

You didn't turn me on.

So from now on, Friday night is date night.

You can make...

Time for Henry and me to have some romance. Maybe he'll take me dancing.

The ads be a chicken korma and chicken tikka masala meal for two.

Some Aldi pink gin for Laura.

Wee packet of love hearts.

The big man knows how to do date night.

What's all this stuff?

That is date night.

You better be joking.

No. I would eat.

Why, you address that?

To go on a date.

Oh, were you wanting to actually go out?

No, Henry, I wanted to spend two hours doing my hair and make -up to sit and

a microwave curry.

I just thought you wanted to jazz up our Friday night in. With ready meals?

Henry, we've had a million Friday nights in. I want to start actually doing

stuff together. We do plenty of stuff together. We are not going to be one of

those couples that don't know what to do with themselves when their kids grow

up. I know what to do.

We relax.

Beer. Dart zone. Pecora and the air fryer.

No. No.

Absolutely not.

We're going to have a life that's full of romance and adventure and fun.

I come in for work on a Friday.

Burst. And now I'm expected to provide fun as well.

Is this romantic to you?

Well, there's a packet of love hearts in the bag with the bleach. Where's the

spontaneity and the surprise, Henry?

Surprise.

That's what the revels offer.

I don't know who's more fascinated in that thing.

The Wayne or Darren?

Darren? We need to buy mere batteries.

Cost a fortune to keep all they wee toys gone. I know.

We're back to Ukraine our first holiday, but all these wee expenses are

killings. As a mother, that hurts.

My child missing it?

No. My wee three will want for nothing.

Money's no gonna be a problem for us any more, Darren.

How? Well, being pregnant's picked me on the back foot, but this boss bitch is

back. Back where?

My music career.

Oh, my God!

Being pregnant didn't stop Beyonce or Shakira. You know what you should do?

What should I do, Simon Kill?

Get yourself a gig.

That bowling club's got singer's own every weekend.

Bowling club? Aye.

I'll bowl these wee chicken balls right off your face.

You could do a tribute act.

The only tribute act in here is his so -called hair.

I'm not a tribute anything.

I'm a recording artist.

You're a piss artist.

Then you was right.

Get down the social clubs.

Cruise ships.

You could be the next Jane MacDonald.

I'm too cool to be Jane MacDonald.

Jane MacDonald's very cool.

I know what you do with my own career.

Yours will see.

The wind's been sick during your back, Darren.

Oh, no.

Darren, what are the wee numbers tattooed in your hands?

Natty's house number.

Katie gets lost.

1997, year I was born.

I'm getting a new tattoo of Colette and Free.

Aw, that's so lovely.

I like using my body to show off the things I love.

He's got a tattoo, a big protein shake on his back.

See, when I was younger, I would never have got a tattoo, but I wouldn't mind a

wee star just there on my belly.

One minute it's a star on the belly, the next minute it's 500 subscribers on

OnlyFans.

Well, I just think if Henry came home and said, I've got a tattoo of you and

kids, it would be the loveliest surprise.

Aye, I'm gonna get Jason's mad face tattooed onto my arf.

What about my mad face?

Last Christmas, I had a kiss under the mistletoe with Uncle Vincent's

Ailey.

I've not thought about it since.

Not once.

So, er... How's the...

What's her name that works in your office?

What's her name?

He's deign the old I forgot the name, patter.

She think me me jagged me on the lips at Christmas time.

I've been pulling my would you me call it ever since thinking about her.

His bed sheets must be lip -wrong crackers, eh, Laura?

See? Ah, baby man!

Look,

nah, my son.

Whenever my gran says no harm to you, you're about to get GBH'd.

But a lassie like Ailey would never, ever go with a boy like you.

How no?

Cos she wouldn't go with a guy that still lived in his mammy's house like a

weirdo from a horror film.

Cheers. I don't mean to be harsh.

Here it comes.

But at least Norman Bates had a job.

I don't just...

teach groundbreaking movement skills at my insanely popular dance school.

My kids seek advice about boyfriends, girlfriends, heartaches, longings.

I am the oracle of love.

I understand that you didn't get into the spirit of date night.

Date night?

Two people who've been married for 24 years went for a bowl of pasta. It's not

date. Twenty -four years, and he knows nothing of women.

Oh, for only a weighty.

Jason will move out in two, three years.

Two, three decades, my leg.

Laura doesn't want to sit twiddling her thumbs until her grandkids arrive. She

wants adventure.

Aye, I've heard.

I'm no Indiana Jones.

She wants to be whisked away, thrown onto the bed every once in a while.

What, just fling her onto the bed?

It's always a no with you, Henry.

Men who take risks are attractive.

No, in a building site, they're not.

In theatre land, I have done improv with the best.

Mark Ryland, Penelope Wilton,

Sporty Spice.

Sporty Spice?

Bloodbrother, 2010.

A genius.

One of the rules of improv is that you say, yes and.

Yes and what?

Yes. And it opens up a world of new possibilities.

Laura says, I want to go on a date night.

Henry says, yes, and... Yes, and... Die Hard's own ITV4

at ten o 'clock, so we'll just have pudding in the house.

It's not great.

But it is better.

Expand your horizons, Henry.

Remember, yes, and... Yes...

Singing in a bowling club.

Big lanky cheese string for them bastards, it is.

You know, I feel about having the biggie smalls.

What's wrong with singing in a bowling club?

Would Lana Del Rey sing in a bowling club?

Evoke the spirit of imagined America and then announce the buffies opens.

Fact is, my music career has only ever cost us money.

If I want a better life for free, it's got to start making us money.

I need to come back with a bang.

Day something that'll go viral.

Cats.

What?

Cats are always going viral.

Daying mad things.

Sliding down bannisters.

Slapping dugs.

Do you want me to slide down a bannister and slap a dug?

Thinking is your department.

Cannae help.

Slapping that big sexy bum bit.

I don't.

I'm all bruises for the Muay Thai.

Darren?

Bruzy's Lewis Capaldi.

Crack him, sir.

Lewis Capaldi did something that blew up the internet.

I could do it, I know.

What did he do?

He went busking.

Bonnie's right.

I always say not to Laura's wee ideas.

And he won her.

Henry, oh my God!

James Martin live!

What if I were to see an audience with Bruno Tonioli?

But I could be a wee bit more open -minded.

So... The next time you suggest doing something together, I'm going to say

yes.

And... Yes, and what?

Yes, and then... Actually, do it for a chance.

Really?

Really.

My pal Babs and her man joined a choir last month. Oh, where we could try salsa

dancing. What about?

I'll take my time and think.

Hello there, are you just in for a wee spot of lunch?

Go on, look at Claire.

One, two.

One, two, four.

I used to busk years ago.

Made my night out money.

And that was before I was famous.

What do you think people will say when they see Colette Scott busking now?

They'll say, somebody fling that microphone in the Clyde. Hello?

This is my pitch. I'm getting ready to sing and you've got the cat skiing at

laldy. Come and chase yourself.

Hen, my cat's run this bit of the tune.

These busking pitches are for performers.

Hen, I'm a performer as well.

Listen, pal.

I'll read me rascal.

Okay, step down, big step down.

Okay,

we're here.

We're at the airport.

Flight's to Barcelona.

She's got us tickets to El Classico.

We're having a couple's spa day.

We're going to have a sauna and then a lovely facial and then a couple's

massage.

A stranger sliding her oily thumbs over my body.

This'll be romantic.

I know he can be quite sullen, but when he looks at me with those brown eyes,

oh, I feel like Elizabeth Bennet being all desired by Colin Firth.

Listen, don't tell my pals I got a facial.

Why?

Oh, you mean the dirty thing?

Trust me, I'd rather tell my pals I got a facial and a porno than I got one in a

beauty spa.

You said yes, Henry.

If I'm ever going to ask Ailey out, I have to grow up. I need advice.

But luckily, I'm a guy who knows everything but women.

Hey.

It cannae mean that, Fanny.

Jason, what does a woman ask herself when she sees a potential mate?

This'll be good.

Is he an alpha?

Is he richer than his big brother?

Is he a silverback?

A gorilla?

Yeah. Jason, that's me.

Gucci on the outside, yeah.

Big gorilla on the inside.

Come on, let's see you.

Actually bruise quite easily, so... Well, it's time to turn this soft little

peach into Donkey Kong.

Let's go for a wee makeover.

Drink up.

God, you can't beat a good facial.

Aye.

Bring it on.

Facials.

Right in my face.

Be honest though, does this not make you feel really relaxed?

Totally.

Never felt less relaxed in my puff.

And God created Jason.

Aw,

I hope my dad's doing me in a kind of wrong feel.

Jason, tell me something about yourself that you wish was better.

Well, I'm not tall like my dad.

Trade secret.

Short guys are better in bed.

Are we?

Yes. Excellent.

Think about it.

All your bits, right,

are closer to everything.

I mean, your dad... Practically has to get a bus every time he changes position

on your mammy.

Ah,

no. Technically, I'm no short, right? I'm 5 '10 in my Cuban heels.

But I have short guy mindset.

Short guy mindset? I like that.

Tall guys get in fast, crash out early.

But short guys play the long game.

Short guys run the world, Jason.

Pacino. Cruise.

Compton.

Wow.

You look like the Oompa Loompa of the Playboy Mansion.

Jason asked me to make him more desirable to women.

So you've turned him into you?

Well... No.

It's time that you spoke to the Oracle of Love.

Right.

Time to sweat in a box full of steaming strangers.

Listen, I'm going to go and check and see if anybody's inside.

Why? Because there was some sweaty old guy in there wearing a pair of regular

sausage smugglers. I'd rather wait.

Sausage smuggler free.

Henry, you still got your socks on?

Yeah. I didn't say yes to bare feet.

Garbage! No, not you!

I knew it was you!

I heard the voice and I thought, who do I know?

It's got a thousand percent confidence and zero percent talent.

Honestly, I'd rather fail in front of my enemies than my family. They'd be less

brutal. What are you doing singing here?

Does he get an extent to lose a bet?

I'm busking.

Oh, how the shite are falling.

Can you not get a gig in a bowling club or something?

I'm trying to capture a viral moment, actually.

I'll tell you how you go viral.

How? Punch a blind guy.

Oh, don't tempt me.

Controversy sells.

Eh, busker punches blind heckler. That's a million views on lad Bible.

Oh, you're all right.

Try this then.

She just called me a blind bastard. A blind bastard. Rory, she wants to go

for her singing. Oh, who are you kidding? Come on, chin me.

I'll do it for 20 % of your takings.

What is 20 % of nothing, Darren?

I hate that guy.

What is 20 % of nothing?

20?

It's time.

Couples massage.

Look, we don't need to do all the activities, do we?

Yeah, why? What's wrong?

It's just couples massage.

Sounds like swingers, Potter.

God, everything is swingers with you, Henry. I just don't like getting my

trapezius fondled or oils.

I gave you a massage with essential oils and you said you liked it. I didn't.

I felt all greedy.

With a big, lukewarm chip.

Henry, you promised you would say yes.

See, one thing.

I've already done about four things.

I wouldn't be too bad if the stuff you picked was nice to... So what?

Don't say... Naff.

Naff? Look, there's a nice bar through there with a good selection of whiskey

and gin. Let's get dressed and... No, let's not, Henry, in case we get drunk

and, God forbid, some fun breaks out. If you wanted fun activities, maybe you

should have married Mr. Tumble.

I just don't get this obsession with you new things.

Henry, we are going to have an empty house before we know it.

Aye, and when we do, we don't ramp things up.

We ramp down.

The down ramp.

So, the kids leave and life is just a long, slow trundle down a ramp into the

grave. That's not what I meant. Well, that is what I'm afraid of, Henry.

Laura. No, I want the next 25 years to be as amazing as the last, and that is

not naff. You are naff. And maybe I should have married... Mr. Tumble,

he would have taught me better sign language than this.

How a man carries himself is everything.

So how do I carry myself?

Well, you walk into a room like...

Like you're apologising for even existing.

I know.

Sorry. I want you to enter this room like a man who... Doesn't give a damn.

No, that's a man who doesn't give a damn about ever having sex with a woman.

Saunter in.

What's with the jumping?

Look, there is nothing more attractive...

than a man who is comfortable in his own skin.

You've just made me aware of my own skin.

Oh, pretend I'm Ailey.

That could be awkward.

I want you to walk to me like I am the one thing that you want most in the

world.

Don't walk into me like you want pepper sprayed.

Jason, you're looking at a beautiful woman.

No lasagna through the microwave, Wendy.

I wish a woman would look at me like I was a microwave lasagna.

Maybe because people don't know who Lynn Weir is, that they can't get into your

songs. Cos it's shite, is what it is.

The songs, me, everything.

That's not true.

But how come nobody's dope for even five seconds?

How come all I've made is this?

They don't even make ring pulls like this anymore.

Time to chuck this music dish.

Do you know what my favourite song of yours is?

What? The one you sing to Free when you put her to bed.

Life for you.

Darren.

I wish that was my song.

That's the Proclaimers.

When you sing that to Free, I come and listen at the bedroom door.

Do you?

Aye. I love it.

And Free loves it.

And we think you should sing it.

Does she really think we never have any fun?

You remember that hotel we were staying in Ibiza when we first met?

Me and the boys used to play this game in it.

Nearly get us off flung out.

You want to play it?

A game you and your mad pal played when you were teenagers?

Right enough.

I suppose boring old Henry and Laura would never...

Down in one

You're

talking Then you chat in the next brother store alone

I feel like we're Bonnie and Clyde or something.

Here we go.

I just need to take on board all that sensory -level wisdom and ask Ailey out.

Hi, Jason.

You're looking very... Vincent?

All right, Hayley.

What are you up to tonight?

Well, I'm seeing this guy.

Cool. Cool.

I need to remember,

short guys play the long game.

Is he tall?

Um, yeah.

Pretty tall.

Shame.

Short guys rule the world.

Martin Compton, Tom Cruise,

Billy Cripple.

Two old guys and Martin Compton rule the world.

A short guy is like a king rib supper.

The king rib knows it's never going to outsell the fish supper, but it also

understands that if somebody does buy it, it needs to be absolutely

delicious.

Did you tell him to compare himself sexually to a king rib supper?

Nope. The Padawan is becoming his own master.

Well, I should get back to work.

Who

is

it? What's going on?

Is that you? It was him.

I don't believe we've been thrown out of a hotel before.

Can't wait to still go now.

Yes. And.

Yes. And what?

Yes. And.

Do you want to get tattoos?

Yes. Yes.

Yes. Yes.

When I was a younger man.

I didn't mean a thing I was strong as anything

Viewed solitude as a joy Go on darling

See really I wish I could just be myself and not fall

to pieces when I talk to a lassie that I like Just do bum lifts in here Not that

I need one Do you think I would look amazing with a bum lift?

Yeah

I feel fantastic already.

Oh.

This tall boy you're going to get a bum like this.

I wish.

And will he be able to tell you how to construct a termigant and jeans dealer

assault that can break a Terminator front line?

Warhammer savvy and a granite backside?

No way.

And see you at the end of the night?

Yeah. Will he be able to take you back to his...

It's my and dad how?

You might want to work on that one.

That's right.

Listen, see if I was chatting somebody up for real there.

Would that have worked?

Jason, you're hilarious.

You could totally chat up girls.

Aye.

Confirm's got nothing on you.

Absolutely budding.

I wanna spend my life with you.

Don't...

Amazing.

Nobody cares, Darren.

People are not wild.

Barely a sneeze.

Excuse me, hen.

So I turn around and this wee woman's all teary -eyed.

She says, that song means a lot to me, and you sang it great.

And then she asks if I take bootens, cos she's having her daughter's forties at

the bowling club.

What's your number?

A woman likes to be thrown onto the

bed every once in a while.

I've got news.

Oh, so have we!

We've got tattoos!

And me and your dad had facial, look.

No, I don't... What's your news?

I've decided to move out.

I'm having a very fancy, elegant, day -drinky party with some dance mums.

Bonnie, I'm so sorry, I'm gonna have to go.

I can run the cafe for a few old, nae bother at all.

Vincent will help. Remember, we've got baby sensory first.

Baby sensory?

Mammy lobotomy may I like.

I was born to be a baby.

A daddy. No, perfect.

He, the man, a sausage!

Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0