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Zulu
[???]
?�It's�a�mad,�mad�world�?
?�And�guess who's�gonna�save�it�all?�?
?�It's�a�dirty�job�?
?�But�someone's�gotta�do�it�?
?�Yeah,�we�can�do�it�?
?�Super�Team�Canada!�?
?�Hey,�hey!�?
?�The�fate�of�the�free�world�?
?�Is�in�our�hands�?
?�We're�the�heroes�of�the�land�?
?�Super�Team�Canada!�??
[explosions]
[loon�calling�distantly]
[???]
[Announcer]�Previously on�Super�Team�Canada...
...and�what�are�our�heroes doing�now?
Pretty�much�nothing.
[blasting�air�horn]
-[all�murmuring]�Hmm? -Now�what?
[blasting�air�horn]
Okay,�team�meeting,�gather�up-
Team�meeting!�I�called�it.
Tie�goes�to�the�runner.
Really? What's�your�meeting�about?
I�just�want�to�go�on�record
to�being�strongly�against whatever�Niagara�says�next.
-Now,�please. -[sighing]
Very�mature.
I�disagree,�strongly.
I�called�this�meeting�first-
Well,�second is�the�first�loser.
...to�talk�about�that.
Uh-oh,�Mom�is�about to�yell�at�us�again.
It's�very�important
we�all�do�what�the�chore�wheel tells�us�to�do.
Uh,�isn't�that how�cults�start?
[RCM-PC] I�was�going�to�vacuum,
but�Poutine was�getting�romantic�with�it.
[???]
[scoffing]
If�you�think I�had�sex�with�it,
I�didn't!
We�made�love.
And�now�you�can�clean�it,
then�boil�it�in�bleach,
then�throw�it�out.
I�don't�take�orders�from�you
or�your�fascist�wheel.
I'm�a�star!
Why�would�any�magazine care�about�just�you,
and�not�us?
Also,�why�are�there still�magazines?
I�have�my�publicist�to�thank.
Of�course, I'll�never�thank�them.
It�shows�weakness.
You�hired�yourself a�publicist?
Jerk�move, yet�totally�on�brand.
I�know! I�have�a�brand�now.�See?
But�we're�a�team,
and�there's�no�"I"�in�team.
Sorry,�Sask.
[moaning�sadly]
[groaning�and�crunching]
Teams�have�stars.
If�we're�the�1970 Montreal�Alouettes,
I'm�Pierre�Desjardins.
Well,�that�reference is�insane.
RC,�can�you�explain�it?
[RCM-PC]�Can, but�prefer�not�to.
I'm�the�straw that�stirs�the�drink.
That's�why�I�got
a�Canadian�Screen�Academy Screenie.
How�did�you�win�a�Screenie?
I�said�I�got�one, I�didn't�say�I�won�one.
You�don't�want�me?
D'accord���������, you�don't�got�me.
I�leave!
[???]
[smooching]
Oh,�I'll�miss�the�vacuum.
[rumbling]
Whoa,�does�something feel�different�to�you�guys?
Maybe�the�length of�movies�today?
[telephone�ringing]
Hello?
Are�you�guys�floating,
or�is�that�just�me
and�everywhere?
[Niagara�Falls] Yeah,�here�too.
Any�idea�why?
Idea,�no.
Answer,�yes.
I'll�email�RCM-PC the�video�we�just�got.
[notification�chiming]
[film�projector�running]
[nervous�male�voice] Uh,�well,�uh...
Hello,�world.
You�may�notice I'm�not�looking�at�you,
and�why?
Because�like six�percent�of�humans,
and�a�surprising�number of�giraffes,
I�suffer�from�shyness.
So�I've�taken�control of�gravity.
That's�why�you're�all up�in�the�air,
while�I, in�my�special�little�jacket,
boys�size�four,
stay�on�the�ground,
free�from�mankind's biggest�plague,
eye�contact.
Now�I�never�need�to�face�anyone ever�again!
[evil�cackling]
See�ya!
Oh,�no,�I�won't!
[laughing�maniacally]
[Prime�Minister] We�need�to�stop�him!
This�is�happening all�over�the�world!
What�do�you�say,�Super�Team?
Can�you�take�on a�shy�little�jerk?
Why�not?
We�just�took�on a�big�pompous�one.
[Shy�Ken] Ah,�it's�a�new�day.
Finally,�I�can�go�outside,
and�even�walk�my�dog.
-[whining�and�yelping] -Great�to�be�free,
right,�buddy?
[Niagara�Falls] Stop�what�you're�doing,
and�start�picking�down after�your�dog!
Ah!�Why�are�you talking�to�me?
I�don't�want�to�be�in�earshot
or�eye�shot!
Less�gravity!
[RCM-PC]�Please�put the�gravity�back�to�normal,
or�we'll�be�forced�to�use, well,�force!
[Shy�Ken]�You�mean�your�normal.
I�want�normal�to�be�a�world in�which�I'm�comfortable,
and�the�greatest�baller on�Earth.
Oh,�come�on!�Foul!
Listen�up,�you�obvious�genius.
People�hate�this.
Their�ice�cream won't�stay�in�their�cones.
[RCM-PC] Not�to�mention�toup�e�owners.
-[Sask�groans] -And�it's�bad�for�the�economy.
I�mean,�I�don't�have�numbers, but�it's�gotta�be.
Well,�it's�good�for�me!
I�can�go�clubbing,
and�go�to�restaurants,
and�I'm�even�gonna�get�awesome at�axe�throwing.
A�new�trend that�will�be�around�forever.
We�threatened�violence,
but�now�comes�the�best�part,
doing�it.�H'waa!
Gravity.
Gravity!
Gravity,�gravity.
You're�paying, and�for�the�tow.
RCM-PC,�hack�into�Ken's�dial!
[circuits�warbling]
[RCM-PC]�Want�to�connect with�high-school�classmates?
Life�insurance�after�50?
Single�hand�models�in�your�area want�to�meet�you.
Yes,�yes,�and�I'm�listening.
What's�happening?
Did�you�use�her to�download�illegal�things?
[RCM-PC] The�new�cryptocurrency
Bolivia�can't�get�enough�of!
You've�been�brushing�your�teeth all�wrong!
I�wouldn't�have�to�use�her
if�you�didn't�put a�parental�lock�on�my�laptop.
I�only�did�that after�you�ignored
our�"no�screens�at�dinner"�rule!
That's�your�rule.
My�rule�is�that all�your�rules�are�stupid.
Guys,�first,�great�arguing.
Love�the�passion.
Second,�the�bad�guy�left.
[sighing]�There's�only one�thing�we�can�do,
the�worst�thing�ever.
Son,�are�you�just going�to�float�all�day?
Mm,�maybe�you�want to�go�out�somewhere,
and�then�not�come�back?
Eh,�shh,�shh,�shh.
I'm�watching�myself,
so�maybe�you�can�keep�it�down?
[laughing]�Down...
Good�one.
[in�interview]�Team?
More�like�I'm�the�star�golfer with�five�caddies.
[audience�laughter]
[Poutine] I'm�a�national�treasure
in�Canada,�the�EU, whatever�Macedonia�is.
[knocking�on�window] [gasping]
[knocking]
That's�probably�for�you.
Why�don't�you�go�see,
and�we�can�catch�up�later,�hmm?
Maybe�at�our�funerals.
Parents...
So�you�want�me�back.
I�guess�it's�like the�billboards,
bus�benches,
and�stripper�tramp�stamp�ads I�paid�for�say.
I�am�amazing.
No,�you're�part�of�a�team,
and�right�now, we�need�your�part.
Not�the�first�time you�needed�my�part.�[chuckling]
Heh.�I�hate�him, but,�uh,�that�was�hilarious.
Teammates�help�each�other.
Ernie�helps�Bert, Brooks�helps�Dunn,
you�guys�could�help�me with�other�examples.
[RCM-PC]�Gravity�needs�us.
Planes�can't�land,
frisbee�golf�is�impossible,
and�bartenders�can't�make layered�drinks.
So�will�you�come�back?
I'd�consider�it
if�I�know�I�won't�be�treated like�a�child�anymore.
[slurping�juice�box]
[Chinook]�The�jerk�has�a�point.
You�made�a�chore�wheel, you�censored�me,
and�you�won't�even�let�Sask hang�out�with�his�best�friend.
[Sask�groaning�sadly]
Winterpeg's�a�bad�influence.
He�burned�down�his�latest�rehab.
[RCM-PC]�If�you�ask�me...
Dentists�hate�this�trick to�give�you�teeth�of�a�baby!
You�won't�believe�what�the�cast of�"Hammy�Hamster"
looks�like�now.
Ooh,�my�jaw�dropped when�the�baby�ducks-
[powering�down]
Okay,�I'll�try�to�be less�controlling,�all�right?
But�I�would�like�to�see how�the�hamster�looks.
I�bet�older.
[Poutine]�����Au�revoir�. I'll�see�you�soon.
He'll�have�to�find�us�first, mon�petit�tabarnak.
[chuckling]
[Niagara�Falls] Okay,�the�poutine�goo
can�help�our�feet stick�to�the�ground,
but�we�also�need�help from�Poutine,�the�you.
I�like how�I�heard�my�name�twice!
Hi-ya!
Hoo-hoo-hoo!
-[spluttering] -A-way-hey-hey!
[spluttering�and�gobbling]
Suckle,�gobble,
chug�like�heroes!
[mumbling�and�gobbling]
[people�shouting�in�panic]
[Shy�Ken]�Huh, my�first�live�football�game!
I�imagined�these�to�be more�exciting.
Still,�I�made�it on�the�scoreboard.
[smooching,�dog�whining]
Huh?
How�could�that�land?
There's�no�normal�weight�that...
[Poutine]�Hope�you�weren't weight-ing�long,
and�that's�weight-ing, spelled,�uh,�W-E-I-G-H-T,
for�everyone�not�using�subtitle.
Whatever.�We're�here,
and�you�can�tell�gravity to�suck�it.
That's�not�how�gravity�works.
You�can't�tell�it�things,
but�I�can�lessen�it�even�more.
[leash�snapping]
[dog�yelping]
Oh,�well,�we�had�a�good�run.
Oops,�still�here,
and�now�we're�coming to�kick�your�tiny�ass.
[panting]
[gasping�wearily]
Give�us�five�or�ten�minutes...
You�know�I�can't�just lessen�gravity,�right?
I�can�also�increase�it!
[whistling�falls]
[whining]
Oh...
Ah!�People�with�eyes! People�with�eyes!
[groaning]�Owie,�owie,�owie.
Ah!�[laughing]
You're�being�crushed by�gravity.
Your�plan�doesn't�seem so�smart�now,�does�it?
[groaning]�To�be�honest,�no.
What�do�we�do?
I�don't�want�to�die with�a�double�chin!
This�is�my�fault
for�thinking�poutine could�actually�be�useful.
Wait,�that's�it!
We�thought�Poutine was�the�problem,
but�then�thought a�lot�of�poutine
might�be�the�answer.
What�if�the�same�is�true for�gravity?
[circuits�crackling, bolts�pinging]
Hey,�junior,
is�that�as�far�as�the�dial�goes?
No,�not�even�close!
[groaning]�Or�perhaps your�little�doll�hands
can't�turn�it�any�more.
I'll�teach�you to�draw�attention�to�me!
[power�surging]
[metal�clanging�and�straining]
I�just�caught�a�glimpse�of�you.
You're�not�shy...�[coughing] just�ugly.
I'm�a�Halifax�seven!
That's�a�nine�in�Yellowknife!
[bolts�pinging]
[metal�beams�groaning]
Stop�looking�at�me!
[smashing]
[gasping�and�groaning]
Ah,�we�did�it,
as�a�team!
Group�hug!
-[laughing] -Ooh!
[thunderclaps]
Ah! Stop�looking�at�me!
We're�cellmates, let's�chitchat.
[whimpering]�No,�no!
Stop�touching�my�little�hands!
-No! -Do�you�collect�stamps?
I�don't.
[coughing�and�wheezing]
[???]
[Announcer]�Today, we�learn�the�origin
of�one�of�the�characters.
So�sit�back,�relax,
and�then�sit�forward,�excited,
because�our�story�begins�now.
[sighing]
Something�wrong?
[sighing]�I�don't�want to�talk�about�it.
Yes! That's�what�I�was�hoping�for.
It's�just�that
my�high-school�reunion is�tonight,
but�I'm�not�going,
because�I�was�a�nerd
and�made�fun�of, and�it�still�hurts�so�much.
[groaning]�Ugh... and�how�would�that�have�gone
if�you�did want�to�talk�about�it?
Also,�I�had�a�huge�crush on�Byron,
the�lead�in�the�school�play.
He�was�the�reason�I�auditioned
for�"The�Norman�James�Breakey Story".
[laughing]�You�were in�the�school�play?
I'm�sure�that�stopped�people from�calling�you�a�nerd.
Let�me�guess, you�hate�theatre.
Ever�since�I�saw�it�as�a�kid.
It's�for�loser.
Me,�I'm�more�of�a�jock,
or�as�we�say,�a�Jacques. [kissing�noises]
[RCM-PC]�Incidentally, Norman�James�Breakey
invented�the�paint�roller.
He�was�Canada's�Steve�Jobs.
-[kissing�noises�continuing] -It�may�have�been
the�most�powerful paint-accessory�musical
ever�staged.
I�had�one�line,
"It's�a�job�I�cannot�handle!"
Hearing�"handle," Breakey�gets�the�idea,
but�opening�night, Byron�was�singing...
?�That�brush�is�slow like�burning�candle...�?
?�And�still�it's�a�job I�cannot�do!�?
[hitting�awkward�note]
-[audience�jeering]�Boo! -[director]�Loser!
"Handle,"�the�word�is�"handle!"
I�left�a�promising�career in�children's�shoe�sales
for�this?
Boo!
[audience�shouting�and�jeering]
That�killed�my�hopes�with�Byron
and�started�Mr.�Redgwell hating�me.
He�started�a�campaign
to�vote�me�"Student�Most�Likely To�Botch�Her�Line
And�Wreck�The�School�Play".
[RCM-PC]�Oh,�and�you�won! Huh,�congrats!
It�says�your�name is�Joan�Shoop?
That�is�my�name.
I�didn't�become�Niagara�Falls until�graduation.
That�night, while�everyone�was�celebrating,
I�was�cleaning�up�the�riverbank,
and�then�the�lightning�hit.
The�combination�of�lightning, puddle�water,
and�soul-crushing�depression
turned�my�skin�blue,
and�made�me�who�I�am�today.
I�decided�then�to�never�be�weak,
never�beg�for�attention.
Nothing�could�or�would ever�stop�me.
Ah!
It's�also�when�I�decided to�dye�my�hair�blue,
with�non-flammable�dye.
[RCM-PC]�So�no�one from�your�high�school
knows�you�became�Niagara�Falls?
No,�and�they�never�will,
because�I'm�not�going to�the�reunion.
But�you�can rub�everyone's�face�in�it.
Oh,�I�love rubbing�my�face�in�things.
[RCM-PC]�Don't�you�want to�go�see�Byron?
Or�some�of�your�old�friends?
My�only�friends were�Heather�and�Sophia.
We'd�share�lunch and�sometimes�have�sleepovers.
[RCM-PC]�Oh,�that's�nice.
Have�you�three�kept�in�touch?
Heather's�a�rabbit.
Sophia's�a�snake.
Class�pets.
Wow,�you�were�a�nerd.
[RCM-PC] I�think�you�should�attend.
You�only�go�through high�school�once.
Ah,�the�best seven�years�of�my�life.
I�also�say�go.
We'll�come�for�support.
Uh,�you�can�brag�about being�super,
and�also�your�relationship with�Capitaine�Crotch.
[laughing]
You've�all�given�me something�to�think�about,
and�something to�never�think�about.
[gasping] She�doesn't�mean�that.
She's�just�angry.
[Niagara�Falls] I've�made�a�decision.
I've�covered�my�blue�skin,
and�now�I'm�going to�that�reunion,�as�Joan�Shoop.
[RCM-PC] Nerd�alert!�Nerd�alert!
I�want�people to�accept�me�for�me,
not�for�my�superpowers,
and�now to�take�care�of�my�hair.
[splashing]
-[RCM-PC]�Whoo!�Hoo-hoo-hoo! -[electricity�crackling]
[RCM-PC] I'm�happy�I�could�help,
but�maybe�next�time ask�for�consent.
[???]
[bustle�of�conversation]
So,�what�do�I�do�now?
[RCM-PC]�Oh,�mingle!
If�you�need a�conversation�starter,
try�one�of�these commonly-asked�questions
on�the�internet.
"What's�your�mother's maiden�name?
In�what�city�were�you�born?
What�high�school did�you�attend?"
Yeah,�what�high�school did�you�go�to?
Anyway,�we're�outta�here.
Can't�be�seen with�a�nerd,�you�know?
We'll�DJ�from�here.
Not�Ren�Simard, not�Ren�Simard,
still�not�Ren�Simard...
[bucket�wheels�squeaking]
Janitor�McGee!
W-what,�what? Did�somebody�puke?
It's�me,�Joan�Shoop!
Oh,�right,�right.
I�remember�you.
I�leant�you�40�bucks?
Right,�right.
Don't�remember�that.
You�said�it�was�for some�inexpensive�surgery,
then�bought�weed�with�it.
Right- Oh,�uh,�hey,
I�wouldn't�mind�scoring
some�more,�uh,�surgery right�now,
if�you�can,�uh, lend�me�some�cash.
It's�not�about�the�money,
it's�about�paying�back�the...
[gasping]
Oh,�my�God.
Byron!
Still�hot.
Is�that�the�coolest�toup�e you've�ever�seen�or�what?
What�does�he�do�now?
Something�impressive�I�bet.
Uh,�he's�a�sculptor of�abstract�garbage.
When�people�see�his�work and�say,�"Huh?",
he�knows�he's�connected.
He�even�donated�a�piece to�the�school�tonight.
You�mean�that�thing in�the�hallway?
What�even�is�that?
Wow,�he's�right.
We've�connected!
I'm�gonna�go�say�hi�to�him.
Wish�me�luck.
Uh,�hey,�have�you�seen a�drawstring�bag
with�eight�fish�stickers�on�it?
[Redgwell] Do�my�eyes�deceive�me?
Look,�everyone,�it's�Joan�Shoop,
the�loser�that�couldn't�remember her�line�in�the�musical.
[all�laughing]
Bringing�up age-old�embarrassments
is�what�reunions�are�all�about.
[all�laughing]
[chanting]�Loser,�loser,�loser!
Loser,�loser,�loser,�loser!
[chanting]
Oh�god,�this�is�hard�to�watch.
Speak�for�yourself.
This�is�the�only�reason I'm�here.
Loser,�loser,�loser,�loser!
She�doesn't�want�to�be�known as�Niagara,
but�that's�the�only�way out�of�this�nerd�spiral.
[RCM-PC]�Let's�not�give�her any�other�choice,
dammit!�[chuckling]
Oh...
I�know�I�don't�normally�curse,
but�I�think�someone spiked�the�punch.
Found�it!
[???]
Congrats,�you�won�the�raffle.
Whoo-hoo!
Roger,�step�one�done.
Light�it�up.
Step�two,�buy�wrist�radio.
[grunting]
[roaring]
That's�the�signal, a�non-whistle!
Light�it�up!
[striking�match]
[flames�whooshing]
[Redgwell]�I�say�"loser," you�say�"Shoop!"
-Loser! -Shoop!
-Loser!�-Shoop! -Loser!�-Shoop!
Attention,�tormentors!
There's�a�disaster
that's�even�worse than�Joan's�hairstyle.
A�fire!
And�the�fire extinguisher's�gone.
If�I�were�you�guys,
I'd�totally�scream and�freak�out!
[panicked�screaming]
[RCM-PC]�Hold�on,
I'm�sure�someone�here has�special�skills,
maybe�even�has�super�powers
to�put�it�out
and�impress�everyone chanting�at�her!
And�I'm�sure�we�can�just�call the�fire�department.
Wait!
My�gas-soaked�sculpture could�explode!
Gas-soaked?
Why�would�it�be�soaked�in�gas?
Confusion�is�my�muse!
[exploding]
Oh,�I�can't�die as�a�high-school�teacher.
I�just�want�to�slip�things onto�children's�feet.
Is�that�so�wrong?
[screaming�and�crying]
Hey,�I�know�you�set�the�fire to�make�me�put�it�out,
but�I�won't.
These�people didn't�accept�me�then�or�now,
so�let�the�fire�department save�them.
[sniffing]
That�smoke�smells�like my�old�babysitter's�car.
[RCM-PC]�It's�pot!
And�now�everyone�is�too�stoned
to�dial�the�fire�department!
Oh,�dude.
[beeping�and�bashing]
Still�not�my�problem.
The�fire�found all�my�hidden�bags�of�weed
in�the�classrooms!
Oh�no.
Don't�worry,�guys, I'm�here�to�save�you,
and�I�guess�save�everyone�else.
[baby-talking] Should�I�save�everyone?
You�guys�always�loved giving�me�the�silent�treatment.
Jerks.
[panicked�screaming]
Everyone,�listen�up!
I�have�something�to�say!
Really?
Well,�I�hope you�don't�forget�your�line.
[laughing]
[splashing]
I�think�that's�spiked!
[RCM-PC]�Told�you.
The�punch...
How�did�you�do�that?
Because�I'm�not Joan�Shoop�anymore.
I'm�Niagara�Falls!
May�I?
[RCM-PC]�Whatever.
I'm�higher�than�God's�taint.
[electricity�crackling]
[RCM-PC]�Whoa-ho!
[???]
[gasping]�Niagara�Falls!
I�want�to�marry�you!
Really?
Actually,�no, I'm�already�married
and�my�wife�supports�me.
Sculpting�blobs isn't�as�lucrative
as�you�may�think.
Anyway,
I�am�sorry�I�was�mean�to�you.
We�all�are.
Stop. Save�the�apology.
You�hated�me�as�Joan�Shoop,
and�only�like�me�now because�I�saved�your�lives.
There's�only�two�friends from�high�school
that�matter�to�me,
because�we�always look�out�for�each�other.
-[squeaking] -Ah,�well,
three�is�always�a�tough�number for�friends�anyway.
Hey,�hey,�now�this�crap actually�looks�like�something.
[Byron]�Blech, which�means�it's�ruined.
Ruined!�[tearing�toup�e]
[sobbing�and�muttering incoherently]
I�also�owe�you�an�apology,
if�you�can�handle one�more�flashback.
[gagging]�Blegh!
I�can�explain
why�when�I�see�an�actor blow�their�line,
it�triggers�me.
You�see,�in�my�20s,
I�was�a�star
in�the�Canadian�theatre�scene,
like�a�sane�William�Shatner
mixed�with�a�more�feminine Margot�Kidder.
To�be�or�not�to�be.
That�is�what�I-I I'm�wondering...
[in�French]�����Quelle�merde!
[cackling]
Ooh!�Ow!
Who�do�you- Ooh,�nice!
Tiny�yet�fashionable.
[Announcer] And�that�is�the�genesis
of�one�Mr.�Redgwell...
Failed�teacher,
aspiring children's�shoe�salesman,
and�most�importantly,
a�character we�will�never�meet�again.
The�end.
[???]
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