Original subtitles

Happy Victoria's Day Long Weekend.

Well, that's fucking cold for a May -long.

May run. May 2 -4.

That's one more weekend of snow if you're Alberta.

Victoria's Day Long Weekends is a Canada -wide statuary's holidays in Mays where

we celebrate former Queens of England, Queen Victoria.

I knew that.

I did not know that.

How do I know you?

Johnny? Correct.

Of Johnny, Shawnee, and Jaker. That's right, and he was with those other guys,

um... Correct.

Matty, Patty, and Blaker.

Okay, so it was Johnny, Shawnee, and... Jaker. And Matty, Patty, and... Blaker.

Now I remember.

I didn't forget.

Thank you for inviting me to your May 2 -4 party, Gail.

Okay. And to everyone else.

Even though it's a week apart, happy U .S. Memorial Day long weekend, formerly

known as Decoration Day.

Memorial Day is a federal holiday to honor those who died while serving the

United States Armed.

Forces. Hear, hear.

You just didn't start celebrating Queen Victoria's happy birthday without us,

did you?

No. We're toasting to fallen American soldiers.

Now how about you join us for something Canadian?

You yank it.

Can do.

So long as you don't let my granddad from Mississippi here, you call me that.

Queen Victoria's reign as matriarch of the British Empire lasted from 1837 to

1901.

That's right.

Two completely different centuries.

That's right, baby. She arranged her two of them cocksuckers. That's impressive

history, isn't it?

I study anything while I was getting day drunk. Studying pretty much every day

of the week, though, eh? And when she arranged it forward, Queen Victoria had

nine kids.

Mm -hmm, that's right.

And of those nine children, they produced 42 grandchildren.

That's a lot of fucking.

She said about a dozen intestination simps.

Eight by the same dude.

About how long did you?

Five. English, German, French, Italian, Latin, and occasionally dabbled in

Hindu. She dabbled in Hindu?

Mm -hmm.

I imagine because of the time she could say to her servants, hey,

why the fuck is that dude trying to kill me again?

Stab him.

She proposed to her husband Prince Albert her own fucking self.

Now, Prince Albert was her first cousin, which is noteworthy.

But I'm sure it's fair to say, you know, of those nine children, four or two

grandchildren, not a one of them was negatively affected.

And all of this had under five feet tall.

Hear, hear!

To the grandmother of Europe, that's what I always say.

All right, baby.

Johnny!

I'm Shawnee. That's right.

It was, uh... Johnny, Shawnee, and Jaker. And those other dudes were...

Pat and Blaker.

Now I remember.

Won't bring yous up to Lillard, didn't you? Gail invited me.

Didn't get all the way around the bases the first time.

And I tell you, hey, I got a couple American cousins who weren't legal

age down stateside just yet.

I was hoping you wouldn't mind if I invited them across the border to enjoy

long weekend beverages with us in the luxury of your far more liberal drinking

age.

That's the worst parts about Victoria's Day's longest weekend.

Underage Americans.

Underage down south, completely legal up here.

Underage Americans with their little league fucking bantamweight drinking

habits. Always a silver lining there, big fella.

You might call it the worst part of Victoria Day, but they call it the best

of Memorial Day. Hey, baby.

Speaking of cousins.

Shit, that's right.

Shit, speaking of first cousins.

And we's got news for yous. Is that right? Because we've got news for yous.

Well, yous want us to go first with our news is for yous? Well, sure, and we'll

follow up with our news is for yous.

All right.

So this May 2 -4 is a very special occasion because my cousin, Amelia...

husband, Liam, are coming for a visit for the very first time all the way from

New Zealand.

Is that right?

Well, that tees up our news for you.

I'm going to get them to see you. For the very first time ever, our cousin

Oliver and his lady Piper are coming all the way up from Australia.

Coming all the way down from Australia.

Crikey, right from down and down. Aye, where they swim in the angry blue.

Hey, throw another shrimp on the barbie? Aye, heaps of shrimp, mate, heaps of

shrimp. They call them prawns there, actually. Let's get maggot. Aye, let's

blotto. Let's get trolley. Aye, let's get just fucking cunted. Off my tit.

Aye, pissed as a newt, I reckon.

Yeah, nah, let's crack on. Aye, diddly dang dang do.

Geez, and we gets the gears for Toxin's Funnies.

What the hell is these even saying?

I sure fucking look forward to introducing our cousins to your cousins.

That's all I know.

Tell me about it, because they're neighboring countries.

Jelly is a continent.

Well, either way, I'm sure they're going to get on like a house fire. Oh, uh,

maybe don't mention fire around our cousins.

They're likely a wee bit rattled from the big ones.

Terms are acceptable.

Well, they'll get on like gangbusters then.

Sure. Like Canadians and Americans.

Well, bring them all by. We'll share the wealth. For the common good.

For the common's wealth.

Hear, hear.

Hey. What do you got?

What do you got? What do you got? What do you got?

Okay. So, I'll go. You go.

I'll go first. No, you go. I'll go first.

For this year's May 24 weekend fireworks celebration, we've got Jonesy

Sprinklers.

Volcanoes.

Sparklers for the kids.

And the dagger?

Roman candles, boys.

C 'est complet?

Yeah. Consumer fireworks?

How puerile.

How asinine.

Milk -fed.

Unweaned. Boyish.

There are three classes of fireworks in Canada, and yours are class one.

Consumer!

Innocuous. Banal.

Undisruptive. What do you got? Class two. Display.

High hazard.

Pernicious.

Chancey.

Shells. Boom.

Cakes. Boom.

Boom. Boom. Boom. Boom. Boom. Boom.

Boom.

Boom. Boom. Boom. Boom. Boom. Boom.

Boom. Boom.

Boom. Boom. Boom. Boom.

Boom. Boom. Boom. Boom. Boom. Boom. Boom. Boom. Boom. Boom. Boom. Boom.

Boom. Boom. Boom. Boom. Boom. Boom. Boom. Boom. Boom. Boom. Boom. Boom.

Boom. Boom. Boom. Boom. Boom. Boom. Boom. Boom. Boom. Boom. Boom. Boom.

Boom. Boom. Boom. Boom. Boom. Boom. Boom. Boom. Boom. Boom. Boom. Boom.

Boom. Boom. Boom. Boom. Boom. Boom. Boom. Boom. Boom. Boom. Boom. Boom.

Boom. Boom. Boom. Boom. Boom. Boom. Boom.

Boom. Boom.

Boom. Boom.

Boom.

Boom.

We said there was a third class. What is it?

Irrelevant! That's the professional youth.

Only, only a true virtuoso has access.

What? You must be adept.

Adroit.

Dexterous.

We get it. You have a big vocabulary.

Yeah, congrats on your big vocumbulary, but we just want to know what the name

of the third class is called.

Death. Special effects pyrotechnics.

My gourd, if you think it is hot out here, you should try hopping inside this

thing with your friend Glenn.

Woo!

Seriously though, it sleeps too.

Well, it's kind of a flight, Wayne -o, but we made it to bumfuck Timbuktu.

We got some hard yak for us, mate.

That sounds like my cousin Tolliver.

Bloody -o, how you going? Good, and you?

Flat on plaid. Not so bad.

Looks pretty bad to me, mate.

And who's this, Sheila?

Olly, olly, olly. Olly, olly, olly.

Check out this little ripper.

This is me, Mrs.

Piper, P -Love, these are Morellis, Wayne and Katie.

How you going?

Good, and you?

Yeah, no, grouse, mate.

What are you guys up to this other? I think we're looking at it, P -Love.

Oh, fuck me. Nice to be out of Brisbane for a bit, eh? Too sweet as lollies. I

told her all about your lovable cockhead. So how was the trip?

Yeah, nah.

It took us fucking 36 hours to get here, mate. But we got on the piss and had a

route. My high club and that, eh?

We had a route when we landed, too. I reckon I could smash an entire joke.

Oh, yeah, went looking for a feed at Macca's.

Smash them takeaway.

But you don't have one, so we hit the servo, see if we could find a takeaway

sanger or something, but what was in there wasn't Tucker. No Tucker at all,

mate. What the hell are they saying? So we ended up finding a snag down from

Mennonite's Lane. Some leftover Tim Tams from the plane for dessert. It wasn't

Macca's, but I won't get me to kiss up my mood about it.

Hey, let's get pissed.

Oh, I have a few coldies.

I need to nap.

Well, let me put on a proper pair of Dax. I'm in my tracky Dax and thongs

He's got his budgie smugglers on underneath it.

Never leave home without him. Good enough.

We'll help you with your stuff.

Hey, thanks for the hospitality, mate.

Well, we're here to share the wealth. For the common good. For the common's

wealth. What?

Where'd you get that suit, Glenn?

What do you think, Roll? Fireworks school.

What's a firework school?

Only tens of thousands of them. Any other silly questions?

Well, I guess this was to be expected.

Stuart. Glenn.

Rolled. Quite frankly, I'm crestfallen. By what?

Your box of debitage.

Now, I know that my peers have had a question or two about old Glenn over the

years, and I'll admit it.

I've been caging.

But clearly, this is not your grandmama's fire retardant suit. So

shed a little bit of light onto my queer backstory.

Finally. One thing I do think you know about me is my parents were traveling

missionaries. My earliest memory is from their first mission.

Seven years old.

Down in Health for Certain, Kentucky, by way of Satan's Kingdom, Massachusetts,

I won the local state fair coloring competition by employing a simple self

-taught technique.

Accentuate the existing lines with a thick colored pencil, creating almost a

frame, and shading lightly inside those lines using the same pencil.

The judges have never seen anything like it. They wanted me to go to art school

right then and there.

At seven years old. They wanted me to.

But I said, what does the Lord want?

They had no answer.

Next up, Blue Ball, Delaware, by way of Bone Gap, Illinois.

11 years old.

The teacher watches me shoot in skeet.

Gym class. Calls the Army.

They wanted me to go to Navy SEAL school.

Whoa. But I said, what does the Lord want?

They had no answer.

Finally, 17.

Going on 70, as my pastor used to say.

Hooker, San Diego.

By way of Big Beaver, Pennsylvania.

It's a much... Much younger children, though similar to me in size, peer

pressured me into blowing a blue angel into a pile of sawdust at the back of my

high school shop class.

I had just eaten a Mexican -style chicken tacos lunchable, so I agreed.

Well, a flame was lit, and all the children ran away.

But not Glenn.

No. Like a true flamer, I stay.

What'd you do?

Well, the truth is I could not run.

Those much, much younger children had tied my shoelaces together. I was

helpless. So then what happened then, buddy?

I stripped the protective cover off my lathe and used it to smother the flames.

Passed out from smoke inhalation shortly thereafter.

And when I awoke, there was a man standing over me.

And he said to me, he said, boy,

boy, I think you were born to play with father.

God?

Heavens, no.

Mr. Amon, my high school shop teacher. That was it for me.

I found out for fireworks school the very next day.

That's a cool story, Glenn. Tell me more about Bone Gap, Illinois.

Gold. Stewart.

Glenn. Sinner.

What shall we do here today?

Well,

amalgamate this debit agent into something interesting and stand a safe

meters back.

Excuse me.

Stand a safe eight meters back.

Well, would you look at that! Out to the wop -wop through a big ol' ee, bro.

We're not in Fijoa country anymore.

Huzzy! Huzzy!

Hurry now.

Here he is.

Introduce yourself, bro.

Liam. McMurray.

My hubby.

He's such an egg.

This is my better half, Mr McMurray. And she's such a deg.

How's the trip?

Bugger by the end of it.

He's a piss, bro.

Primo weather here. Makes me miss the batch. We'll be back in time for a

tour then, bro.

Have we saw a chilli bin at the end of the Mennonite's Drive and peeked inside?

No hokey -pokey, but just chocolate with taffy cones.

25 cents.

Sweet as.

Well, you guys are just in time for a big ranger for me, too, for a party here

at the farm. Sweet as.

Liam,

do you like to drink cold ice beverages in the name of Queen Victoria?

Oh, Stoked Asbro. I'd scale a beer. Stoked as. All right, let's get out of

jandals. Grab a jumper.

I'm going to have the dunny, love.

All right, ready, Daxing.

He's off to the bog to leave an offering.

Liam had a big one on the tubes last night. It was large. Got out of hand

quickly.

Good enough.

Bugger me, this is the fucking place, mate. Call him an embo now or he'll be

buggered. Bugger off. Bugger me, they'll live on this one. They'll bugger off.

Yeah, no, you've buggered up. Is he on a piss night? Yeah, nah, I'm drier than a

dead dingo's donger. He's drier than a nun's nasty. He's drier than a bull's

going uphill backwards.

You got any goon, mate? We didn't come all the way from Australia to drink

you drongo.

There's got to be a slab of stubbies around now, eh?

What the hell's are they saying?

Olive! You can't tell you, John.

This is me love Piper.

This is Johnny.

I'm Johnny.

Ta -ta -ta -tong, punch me fart box.

Don't want to start with the wristy first, mate. I should have warned you,

can't want to root you.

How about a cold one, and maybe later I'll show you me mapitazzi?

Okay. Now, speaking of shitting, one time I had three pounds of cheese curds

had something come out like an ostrich egg. I took a selfie with it and sent it

to Miss McMurray.

How's it good?

Sheep shaggers.

Who's this drongo, mate? Who's this muppet? You daft cunt. Oi, you dungie.

these two find their sheep in field? Don't know.

Pleasant. How'd these two sheep fuckers stay out of jail for it, bro?

I don't know. Said they're only helping it over the fence.

You got a face like a drop pie, mate. Face like a kicked -in shit can. Face

a half -sacked mango. Face like a cat -licking shit off a wheelie bin.

yous be off pissing on each other?

That's all the rage down under, eh?

Ew, that's fucking grotty, bro.

I've got a joke for you, though.

Why's it so hard to get a blowjob in Australia?

Don't know.

Because all the cocksuckers are in Whistler.

Ooh, yeah, you used to ruin that town, bro. Go back to Hobbitland, you wanker.

Pair of fucking Howzo Bogans, mate.

Fuck your dull bludgers. Lick my hairy fern hole, you fuckwit. You sound like a

galah and look about as bright.

I've had a guts for you.

Lick my schlong, you bunged up cunts.

Anywho. Yep, like Americans and Canadians.

What the hells are you saying?

Okay, pupils.

I'll have you know that 25 meters is technically how far you'd want to be

from a rig like this, but since you've been such attentive pupes, I'm going to

let you stay a little closer to the magic.

Are you sure you know what you're doing, Glensky? Yeah.

Yeah? Yeah.

Yeah?

Yeah.

Test? Yes. I mean, yes.

Commencing the test.

Quick Google search, and what is the earliest use of fireworks? 200 BC.

The Chinese use them to scare off mountain men. Different chemical

produce different colors of fireworks.

What makes red? Astronium and lithium.

White. Titanium and magnesium.

Blue. Copper.

Next. Resourceful, though, Chinese.

Italians were the first introduced color into fireworks, Stuart. You can't pull

the wool over this old goat's eyes.

Um, can fireworks be recycled?

No, and they're really bad for the environment.

But good news is, pyrotechs are working on friendlier recipes.

How big is the largest firework ever launched?

About the size of Stuart's mom's Honda, launched in Colorado in 2020.

It's not your car, Stuart. Everyone knows that. She's transferring it to my

for my birthday.

Queen Elizabeth loved fireworks so much that she created an honorary title for

the best pyrotechnician in Britain.

What is it called?

Firemaster of England. They wanted me to be one.

Stand down, gentlemen.

About time. We're burning daylight here, candle wasters.

So, do yous want a drink in excess?

I'm not one to speak ill of the dead, but that's an overrated ban, bro.

Oh, yeah, and who's better? Crowded fucking house?

Better than your ACDC cockroft, you cunt.

Akadaka are pure saints, mate.

Heard they might even play the benefit concert to try and give New Zealand a

chance to put their souls underground.

Fuck, that's kind of them. We were getting sick of shipping our shit

Brisbane. Truly, madly deeply, I'd rather listen to my munted uncle bang a

jandal on a chili boom.

Then listen to Savage Garden. Or he's banging shepherd's pie, sheep fucker.

at least I don't piss on him, bro.

See if everyone knows Aussie boys love pissing on Sheila's.

We could rack his up all day, bro.

Who wants an Australian kiss?

A what?

It's like a French kiss, but down under.

Me, please.

You got a few kangaroos loose in the top paddock, you silly darrow?

Choo -choo, you jeffa.

Same here in parlor, bro.

Go back to Summer Heights, are you dumb cunts? You just jealous because that's

your chief perfection in one season while it took flight of the concords

I could crack the shits with yous all day, but I can see you can't hack it.

Go home, you sheep shaggers.

It's all the way here, bro.

You don't think we'll take a ticket to an hour, do you?

Oh, you're so far up yourselves, you arse lickers. Go eat some hot chips.

Use a hard case, bro.

But if there's hot chips, I'll bring a plate. Fuck off, you bloody cunt. Can't

stand the heat? Get out of the kitchen. Oh, we can stand it, bro.

Have yous forgotten we were right beside you that time your continent burned for

months on end?

Cousin. Oh, my God.

I'm, like, jonesing for some alcohol.

I love alcohol.

Like, where's the alcohol? I know. I'm so antsy. Like, I can't even.

I know. I can't even. It's crap.

I seriously need alcohol, though. No, like, I literally need it.

Yikes.

Looks like you all day, bro.

Love a good sledge, you flags.

A week if it came down to it, bro. A week in a week? You fucked up cunt.

Bye.

There's yanks here, bro.

We kind of maybe got to get out those knobs, mate. We should be rucking them

right now.

Could be a good story for the fellas back home if they drank some yanks under

the table. It's been a yarm for me, mate.

Throw another trim on the barbie, they were a dingo. It's your baby.

That actually happened, though, mate.

We know, bro.

It wasn't funny.

A lot of people upset about that one, yeah. That's why we didn't make the

bro. We figured if the joke was to be made, you should be the one to make it.

National tragedy and all that.

Anzac spirit, he'll take the piss out of some yanks.

Feels like I've spent an entire day down Australia.

Crikey. Right from down under.

Ah, where they swim in the angry blue.

Throw another shrimp on the bobby? Heaps of shrimp, mate. Heaps of shrimp. They

call them prawns there.

Diddly ding -dang, too.

Now, who would have thought they'd have gone at each other like that?

Mightn't be a bad idea to crack open a book, The Odd Time, McMurray.

I don't know. Were they coming out of their mouth behind them?

No one did.

I did. Did you? I'm just kidding around.

Maybe they all hang out with each other when they get back home, being from

neighboring countries and whatnot.

Australia's a continent.

Crazier things will happen.

Diddly -ding -dang -do.

Did you guys know that Glenn's a pyrotechnician?

Bet you didn't. Bet you didn't know Glenn's been a big beaver.

Wouldn't have guessed.

How'd you like being a pupil, Stuart?

Your pupils won't.

Your pupils, Stuart.

Light show, now.

everybody. The barge is hot.

The show begins whenever I press this little red button.

Where'd you learn how to do all this stuff, Glenn?

Well, where do you think, Wayne?

Fireworks school.

All right, now, let's share the wealth.

For the common good? For the common's wealth.

Hear, hear!

We just don't put up with... We don't get used to heat up here!

Fuck it!

We don't get used to heat up here!

We just don't have pulled up, that's it.

We don't get used to the heat up here.

We like to fucking live with it.

It's a beautiful day.

Watching that switch ribbon off on my face. It's a thinker.

It's sort of heat you can take.

I wake up in the hour to a kick in the face. That shit is blood all over the

place. It's a pink sign.

It's a bloody snake.

We don't get used to the heat up here.

We get on the program. What's that?

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