Original subtitles

Downloaded from YTS.MX

-The first time I saw Joan, I'm positive,

Official YIFY movies site: YTS.MX

was on the Johnny Carson show.

-Would you welcome Miss Joan Rivers?

-When I was born, my mother looked at me,

looked at the afterbirth and screamed, "Twins!"

-Her style of humor was just extraordinary.

-Can we talk?

It looks like I've been machine-gunned by a Smurf.

-She could get away with anything.

-All I ever heard growing up is,

"Why can't you be like your cousin Sheila?

Why can't you be like your cousin Sheila?"

Sheila had died at birth. And I just --

[ Laughter ]

Let me tell you, I don't give a...

if you're white or black or yellow or green,

as long as you can do my hair.

-She would come out here and sit in this chair

and say some things that were unbelievable.

-Joan Rivers here.

And don't feel bad if you recognize the name,

but not the face.

I just got this one two weeks ago.

Why are you wearing Betty White's [bleep] on your head?

She looks like John Travolta

when Kelly Preston is away working.

I mean... -Oh!

-Underneath it,

you know that hardcore bitch has a soft, chewy center.

-Talk about guts. A real pioneer for other women.

-She's a beacon of success and determination.

-Joan Rivers to comedy was Don Rickles to comedy.

Period.

-What Joan means to me is freedom.

Freedom for women to say whatever they want.

-She was a hero of mine.

I just remember thinking, like, "Wow,

she really doesn't care at all."

-Describe Joan in one word.

Well, I can't do that because there's not one word

that encompasses funny, brave, and pioneer.

-We became friends, and I love her.

And I miss her. And I will see her again.

-* Hallelujah *

* Hallelujah *

-* Your faith was strong, but you needed proof *

-Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah. Stop singing. [ Record scratches ]

Stop playing the piano. Just stop it!

This is not how we are honoring Joan Rivers.

Y'all not even dressed right.

She would be offended right now seeing this.

And what y'all doing with all these candles?

Y'all brought that from home?

What is it, Hanukkah already?

No, it's not. Turn your candles off.

This is ridiculous.

This is not how we gonna celebrate her.

First of all, we're going to laugh.

Okay? We got an amazing show.

We got Rachel Brosnahan, Nikki Glaser, Patton Oswalt.

Chelsea Handler is here.

This isn't a funeral, guys.

It's a celebration, all right?

So, uh, Doogie Howser, go ahead and play my music.

Oh, you don't know? Okay.

Somebody play my music.

* Hava nagila *

* Hava nagila *

* Hava nagila, hey *

* Venismecha *

* Hava nagila *

* Hava nagila *

* Hava nagila, hey *

* Venismecha *

All right, y'all follow me, okay?

-* Just Blaze *

-* Hava neranena *

* Hava neranena *

* Hava neranena, hey *

* Venismecha *

* Let's party for Joan for life *

* They call me Tiffany and I'm here tonight *

* To tell y'all about a girl from Prospect Heights *

* This queen did a thing on the microphone *

* To split your side like a kidney stone *

* She had jokes for this, she had jokes about that *

* About the young, old, skinny, and fat *

* Celebrities and their stupid clothes *

* And all the surgeries on their nose *

* So everybody here at the Apollo *

* We got some funny people that you can't follow *

* The jokes are wrong, but they feel so right *

Are y'all ready to laugh for Joan Rivers tonight?

[ Cheers and applause ]

Mazel tov. Mazel tov and l'chaim.

Now come on, we're going to talk about your outfits.

Come on.

Doogie, meet me in the back.

[ Applause ]

-Please welcome Patton Oswalt.

-Thank you. Thank you, sir. Oh, my goodness.

Good evening. Thank you for -- Yes, it's me, Patton Oswalt.

That's right.

Who else were they going to get on a night to honor

Joan Rivers, feminist trailblazer, Jewish icon,

fashion's acid-tongued demon princess?

The reason I'm here is that while Joan Rivers was so good

at so many things, I always think of her as

a once-in-a-lifetime stand-up comedian,

you know, and she was funny.

But more than that, she was prolific.

Over her career, she wrote 70,000 jokes.

70,000 jokes.

That's an unreal level of output.

Even if you account for how much better cocaine was in the '80s.

I did three rails backstage. I'm getting nothing right now.

Joan's jokes were pure.

They were set up, punchline.

No meandering stories. All meat, no filler.

And we know that because Joan saved all 70,000 of her jokes

in a big filing cabinet.

She was organized too, which is weird.

Comedians are never organized.

My jokes are written on Burger King wrappers

and colonoscopy receipts.

Like, I am not organized in any way.

But even though Joan is gone,

we still have the filing cabinet full of jokes.

That is a piece of American history.

With 70,000 jokes, you can really tell

how Joan saw the world.

And what a world she lived through.

She lived through the space race.

That's why she has 22 jokes about astronauts.

She also lived through disco,

which is why there are 140 jokes about Cher.

"Cher -- Cher is so thin,

she broke into show business

with the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders as a baton."

[ Laughter ]

It's not all A-plus, but listen, 70,000, okay?

In her 70,000 joke archive,

there are four jokes about Hitler,

there are 34 jokes about Richard Nixon,

and 866 jokes about Elizabeth Taylor.

So there you go, folks.

History's greatest monster, Elizabeth Taylor.

She wrote so many jokes,

you can actually chart the course of world history.

"Joan of Arc wasn't a tramp? Her last words were,

'Hi, soldier, got a match?'"

[ Laughter ]

She --

Too soon? All right.

She had jokes about George Washington.

"You don't hear about George Washington's nutty sister,

who had a wooden IUD."

[ Laughter ]

Joan may have been gone for 10 years now,

but her jokes were so good that they will live on forever.

Her influence as a comedian, as an entertainer,

and as a true iconoclast will be felt for generation

after generation.

She's dead, but she's still here.

218 jokes about death, by the way.

"When I die, I know what they'll say about my funeral.

'It's the first time a man ever approached her

when she was lying down.'"

Thank you, Joan, and thank all of you.

Good night.

[ Cheers and applause ]

-These are all my jokes.

These are jokes over the last 30 years.

These are just...

Every time I write a joke, I try to remember to get it on a card.

"Why should a woman cook? So her husband can say,

'My wife makes a delicious cake' to some hooker?"

And you wonder why I'm still working at this age.

Everywhere you look, there are jokes.

Everywhere, jokes to be filed.

Jokes to be written.

Jokes that I thought of something.

I mean, my life is just...

...jokes.

-Coming up, Rachel Brosnahan,

Chelsea Handler,

and a special performance from Nikki Glaser.

-She let other sixes like me know

that if you're funny enough,

people might treat you like an eight.

[ Laughter ]

-Joan's voice echoes in my head when I get asked to do, like,

"Dancing With the Stars" or "Masked Singer"

or "Celebrity American Ninja Warrior."

Like, embarrassing things I've done on TV,

I blame Joan because I always go,

"Joan would have done it. Joan wasn't too cool for this."

-Please welcome Nikki Glaser. [ Cheers and applause ]

-Hi, everyone.

I'm Nikki Glaser, and I am so incredibly honored

and grateful to be here tonight to honor Joan Rivers.

What a dream.

First, not to make this weird,

but I just want to talk about something that I actually,

um, isn't easy for me to admit,

and I've only actually recently gone public with it.

But about five years ago, I went to the doctor

for a routine checkup,

and they told me that they found some early signs of aging.

And, um... [ Laughter ]

Thank you so much. It really is the silent killer.

I always knew it would happen, you know?

You know, you're going to age,

but, I don't know,

there's just a part of you

when you're a young girl that kind of thinks, like,

"Maybe I won't," you know?

Like maybe science is going to come out with something

that's going to freeze me at this age forever.

And they did,

but until I can get my hands on one of those suicide pods,

I'm telling you, I have to -- [ Laughter ]

I have to keep going to see Dr. Diamond in Beverly Hills.

And if I mention him, I do get a discount, so.

In her jokes, Joan left behind such crucial wisdom

and harsh truths about the aging process

that you really usually don't uncover

until you're jacking up the font size on your phone

to take a perimenopause quiz.

I remember being in my 20s

when I first heard Joan's joke about her aging vagina,

in which she described viscerally

that waking up one morning, she looked down and she wondered,

"Why am I wearing a bunny slipper?

And why is it gray?" [ Laughter ]

And it stuck with me, right?

Because I was in my 20s

and I did not understand that joke at the time.

I remember thinking like, "Oh,

that's just a her problem," right?

But man, does that joke hit different today.

Dude, I took a gander at mine the other day.

And by the way, taking a gander is what you do

when you look at things in your 40s.

You gander at them.

So the other day,

I gave my howdy do a little looky loo, and I --

I swear to God,

it legit looks like it has two gauged ear lobes.

Like, that is what's happening down there.

It's true.

When I wear tight jeans, I don't even have camel toe anymore.

I have basset hound head. It's -- It's falling.

And Joan told me it would.

It's not just down there either.

It's up there.

She warned me about these future zucchini implants.

Her words, not mine.

Joan once said "I took my bra off at a nude beach today

and accidentally clubbed two baby seals."

Oh, my God.

They're propped up tonight, but I relate to that, dude.

Oh, my God.

The other day my boyfriend had to go down on me

just to feel me up.

It's bad. They're dropping.

I understand that joke now.

Like, I get it.

My cup size has changed since I've aged.

I used to be a D cup,

but now I'm a champagne flute is, I think, what it is.

When I lay on my back,

I can literally put my nipple in a headlock.

That's how... [ Laughter ]

But if you look through all of her jokes, she --

Joan had infinite jokes about the way that she looked.

And maybe I'm projecting here,

but I really believe one of the main reasons

Joan was so funny was because she never felt pretty, you know?

Honestly, I know that's why I do this.

And before you say like, "Nikki, no, stop. You're so pretty"...

[ Laughter ] I'll wait. I'll wait.

Okay. Thank you. [ Laughter ]

But the thing was sure, yeah, I am,

but Joan was pretty too.

But it doesn't matter what the truth is.

It's how we feel about ourselves.

Joan once said that she was so ugly,

they awarded her vibrator the Purple Heart.

And, like, you don't think of that unless you think of that,

you know what I mean?

[ Laughter ]

Joan and I both understood that from a young age

that if we were going to be as adored as the beautiful women

that we envied, we were going to have to

bring other things to the table, right?

We'd have to make up for it in some other way.

And that way was writing jokes and plastic surgery.

That was what we were going to do.

The only thing more shameful than aging is admitting

that you might have done something about it, right?

But Joan didn't care. Joan did both.

She aged and did something about it and told us about it.

She once said,

"I know a girl who had her bags removed from under her eyes

and used them as bosoms." [ Laughter ]

"Don't laugh. It was me." And I love that joke.

My favorite part of that joke is when she says,

"Don't laugh," because that's so real.

Because of course Joan wanted us to laugh,

but, like, not too hard, you know?

I'm saying this to help us all

understand Joan Rivers a bit more.

This is what made Joan Rivers, Joan Rivers.

You don't get to be that funny,

that bold, that smart when you like yourself.

You know? You can't be funny with self-esteem.

You're not Martin Short, you know?

Sure, it's sad that Joan never fully understood

how beautiful she truly was.

But at the same time,

I'm kind of glad that she didn't, you know?

Because she let other sixes like me know

that if you're funny enough,

people might treat you like an eight.

And recently, I was complaining about aging in Hollywood

and my friend, to make me feel better, said

"Nikki, you don't need to worry about aging.

You know, you're the next Joan Rivers."

And of course, that was meant as a compliment

but didn't feel like one, you know?

Like when people tell me I look exactly like my dad.

But truly being compared to Joan --

What a gift.

It was actually the greatest compliment I could ever ask for.

Because I do want to be like Joan.

I want to make people laugh by speaking the unspeakable.

I want to turn pain into joy.

I want to be a bad mom.

I... [ Laughter ]

But most of all, just like Joan,

I want to keep working up until the very end

so I can die doing what I love.

Undergoing a risky surgical procedure.

Thank you, Joan. We love you.

Good night.

[ Cheers and applause ]

-Vaginas drop. No one tells you this.

Vaginas drop. I woke up three weeks ago --

This is a sad story.

[ Laughter ]

I woke up three weeks ago and I went,

"Why am I wearing a bunny slipper?

And it's..." [ Laughter ]

"And why is it gray? It is --"

[ Laughter ]

-Please give a warm welcome to the marvelous Rachel Brosnahan.

-Hello.

Hello, hello, hello.

I am so honored to be here tonight

to celebrate Joan Rivers.

She was one of the pioneering comedians

I studied to shape Mrs. Maisel on "The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel."

[ Cheers and applause ] Thanks, guys.

Thank you.

Of course, over her career,

Joan wrote nearly 70,000 jokes

that touched on thousands of topics.

And obviously, we can't get to all of them tonight,

but I thought it would be kind of fun

if we picked four categories at random

and you, the audience, can decide which one we cover.

Yeah? [ Cheers and applause ]

Okay, I'll read some categories.

You choose the one that you like

by cheering as loudly as you can.

And then I will deliver as many of Joan's jokes

as I can in 60 seconds.

How does that sound? [ Cheers and applause ]

Okay. All right, here we go.

Four random categories. I have actually not seen these.

Socioeconomic theory. [ Laughter ]

Baroque architecture. [ Laughter, applause ]

Okay. Tort law.

[ Cheers and applause ]

Okay.

And last but not least, vaginas.

[ Cheers and applause ]

I'm -- I'm pretty sure it was tort law, right?

No? Please? Okay. All right.

You know, I expected so much more of you.

All right, here we go.

Joan's finest vagina jokes in 60 seconds.

Hit it.

"My gynecologist does jokes.

Dr. Schwartz, at your cervix."

"I've had so many yeast infections,

if I sit out in the sun too long, I start to rise."

"You know what's sad? My vagina is just like MySpace.

It was popular in the '90s,

but now nobody wants to go there."

"Her vagina is so dry she can start a fire

by rubbing her legs together."

"My gynecologist does jokes.

He puts his ear to me and goes, 'I can hear the ocean.'"

"I call my G-spot Amelia Earhart

because nobody looks for it anymore."

"Before I go to the gynecologist,

I shower, I douche, I shower, and I douche again.

Then I try a few breath mints.

Sometimes they fall out. And why?

Because you want to feel fresh when you're being humiliated."

"My gynecologist is so cheap, he doesn't even have an exam table.

He just asks me to undress and do a somersault."

"The only good thing about loud vagina farts

is that they scare away the crabs."

"I have a Jewish gynecologist.

Once a year, he gives me a pap shmear."

"He is so crude, he starts the examination screaming,

'What a dump!'"

"Suzanne's twat is so dry,

senior citizens go there to retire."

"My gynecologist takes out his mirror and says,

'May I show you to your womb?'"

I'm pretty sure they let me run over 60 seconds.

But thank you very much. Thank you all.

Thank you to Joan.

Thank you all for being here tonight.

I hope that you and your vaginas enjoy the show.

[ Cheers and applause ]

-Coming up, Rita Wilson,

Joel McHale,

and Aubrey Plaza.

-You don't have to laugh.

It can be awkward silence if you want.

[ Laughter ]

-Here are some great jokes from Joan Rivers,

the great Joan Rivers.

These are from her files. Wow, that's pretty great.

-Well, number one that I remember from being a kid,

"I knew I was unwanted

when my bath toys were a toaster and a radio."

-"Michael Jackson has a dog.

It follows him to the plastic surgeon,

then waits around for scraps."

-"I went to a gay wedding and instead of rice,

they threw Froot Loops." Classic.

-"I don't think my parents liked me.

My parents didn't want me.

They once gave me a plastic bag for my birthday and they said,

'Pretend it's a space helmet.'"

-"Preparing a Jewish dinner is very simple.

All you need is the phone number

of the nearest Chinese restaurant."

That still works. Still works.

-Please welcome Joel McHale.

[ Cheers and applause ]

-Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you.

It's an honor.

I actually had the pleasure of working at E! at the same time

Joan was hosting her show "Fashion Police."

Yeah, well, no one really has the pleasure of working at E!

It's where mid-level celebrities are sent

to fulfill community service for public intoxication.

Ryan Seacrest, noted drunk.

Anyway, nonetheless, I got to meet

and talk to the legendary Joan Rivers,

and she was an absolute delight.

And she's not here to correct me,

so I'll just say she felt the exact same way about me.

Joan died in 2014.

Yep, I just heard someone gasp.

Which means you're just finding out now.

I'm so sorry that you are learning this way, Melissa.

Uh, I thought somebody had told you.

I'm so, so sorry.

Joan's passing means

that a legendary comedic voice missed out

on the past 10 years of human history.

To which I can only say Joan, you lucky bitch.

She died without ever having to hear the words "Joe Exotic."

We'll never know exactly what Joan would have said

about the events of the past decade,

and even imagining what she would have said would be craven,

callous, and opportunistic.

So let's do that now, shall we? Yes.

Okay. What did Joan miss? Ah, yes.

She missed the federal legalization of gay marriage.

Yeah, and spoiler,

she also missed that being overturned in mid-2025.

Back then, Joan said, and I quote,

"I'm against gay marriage.

All my friends are gay,

it'll cost me a fortune in wedding gifts."

[ Laughter ]

She's dead and still killing.

Yeah. Cancel her. Cancel Joan. Cancel. Cancel. Cancel her soul.

No, I'm kidding, of course. Joan was thrilled.

She was a huge gay rights advocate,

and she was actually alive

when gay marriage was legalized in California,

which is when she said this --

"Last night, California's ban

on same-sex marriage was overturned,

as were most of the men in San Francisco."

Cancel her now. Cancel. Cancel her.

Yeah. Good.

Think about what you're clapping for.

Uh, all right. Next up, what did she miss?

Ah, [bleep] No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Yeah. No, no. Can't do that either.

Next one?

Ah [bleep] All right. Great.

Now I'm wishing I had died 10 years ago.

Can we skip to something more lighthearted, please?

There we go. COVID. Yes.

Could you even imagine how Joan would have loved COVID?

This was a woman who was jealous of homeless people

because she said they never had to throw house parties.

[ Laughter ]

Really.

Plus, two years of wearing a mask

would have saved her a ton in, you know, upgrades, right?

Right.

So clearly Joan could see the future

because look at this joke from her joke file.

"I hope to God no one repurposes my old jokes

for a TV special 10 years after I'm dead.

But if they do,

they better get someone really talented to do it --

like that delightful clip show host, Daniel Tosh."

10 years gone and she can still deliver a burn like no one else.

And like every great comedian,

she really did know how to go out.

Joan, I love you wherever you are, and I miss you.

And thanks for having me, everybody.

Good night. [ Cheers and applause ]

-Please welcome Randy Rainbow.

-Hi. What's up, New York?

Hello.

Now, you don't need me to tell you Joan Rivers was a legend.

She was an innovator and a feminist, and that's great.

But most importantly, she was a gay icon, right?

That's the topic they've assigned me tonight,

which is a little presumptuous, but whatever.

I'll go with it.

Yes, to be a gay icon is the most important thing

because that club is the most exclusive.

But Joan was in because she made us laugh at ourselves.

Of course, sometimes she went a little overboard.

She did get on stage and say things like,

"This guy was so gay,

he sprained both his wrists just talking."

[ Laughter ]

Okay, that's offensive.

Ow. Anyway, considering Joan's

gay icon status is firmly etched in pearl --

We don't do stone. That's basic --

I went through her filing cabinet

and pulled out some of her gayest jokes of all time.

Yes, they're right here.

Now, many were on point,

but some were just so far out there that I thought

I would respond to them tonight on behalf of the LGBTQ

plus plus plus smiley face emoji community.

I'm calling it my gay rebuttal,

and I know Joan would have had a field day with that.

Does that sound good? Should we do that?

All right. Here are some of Joan's jokes

that need some hardcore gay rebutting.

Okay? "King Kong was gay.

He climbed the Empire State Building to sit on it."

[ Laughter ]

I mean, you know, this one is just historically inaccurate.

You know, everyone knows that King Kong was a top.

Frankly, I'd be more concerned about the Holland Tunnel.

[ Laughter ]

"Gays have made a lot of progress.

They have their own bars, their own parades.

My gay cousin rewrote the gay version of the Bible.

The forbidden fruit is a guy named Danny."

This one is obviously not true

because there was already a gay version of the Bible.

It's called the Bible. [ Laughter ]

I mean, you know, some guys who knew a guy

and a bunch of rules about what you're supposed to wear

and eat -- that's very gay.

"At gay weddings, they throw the rice underhand."

This appears to be a sports reference,

and so I do not understand it.

So we'll move on.

But I think I do overhand. We do overhand.

That feels more natural. Okay.

"Gay men love me because I remind them exactly of

why they're not attracted to women."

[ Laughter ]

That might be true a little bit. I was pretty straight

until I saw Joan in "The Muppets Take Manhattan."

It might have been Gonzo's nose, I don't know,

but she was at least half right on this one.

There were so many reasons

the gays loved Joan as much as she loved us.

Her flawless delivery,

her delicious irreverence, her glamour.

She was like if you mashed up all the Golden Girls into one

and then sent it to Cher's plastic surgeon

to make it look fierce.

[ Laughter ]

[ Cheers and applause ]

But most importantly, she made us laugh,

especially in the face of fear and adversity.

There's a lot of that these days.

She taught us, no matter what,

to always find the joke

and never take anything too seriously.

She was a legend and every kind of icon,

and I wish that she were here tonight

so I could say it right to one of her faces.

I'm sure she would tell me to go fuck myself.

And that's why we love Joan Rivers.

Love you, Joan.

[ Cheers and applause ]

-Please welcome Michelle Buteau.

-Hello, everyone. Hello.

Oh, you guys look beautiful.

Tonight is all about Joan Rivers.

And Joan Rivers was a real one.

She was a powerhouse in the industry,

breaking down barriers and opening doors at a time

where it was impossible for women to be taken seriously.

And Joan was seriously funny.

She was a comedic inspiration,

and I've been a fan as long as I can remember.

She was the queen of dope one-liners

in a sequined blazer and a brooch, honey.

Joan loved fashion. She was a "fastonisha."

"Fastonisha." Joan was a "fastonisha."

Is that how you say it? [ Laughter ]

This is why we need more federal funding for public education.

Joan was a "fastonisha." [ Laughter ]

-You got this, girl! -Oh, thank you.

Not the teleprompter trying to break it up.

Too late, sis.

[ Laughter ]

[ Cheers and applause ]

Joan loved fashion so much...

[ Laughter ]

...she hosted a show called "Fashion Police."

And celebrities were more afraid of the fashion police

than the actual police.

Joan's wit and integrity

paved the way for so many of us female comedians.

Joan made it okay for women to express really funny stuff

about motherhood, which I love.

She once said, "I enjoy Melissa because she's fabulous.

She's into clothes and shoes and spas.

She's like the gay son I never had."

[ Laughter ]

I love this so much because I am also a working mom.

I have -- Thank you.

It's a real job that I don't get paid for.

I have the cutest, most special 5-year-old twins.

And thank God they're cute because it'd be really hard

if they were ugly.

[ Laughter ]

What I love about Joan also is that she wasn't shy

about her looks, which is refreshing.

You know, she once said,

"The only man who can't wait to get his hands

on a woman over 40 is a plastic surgeon."

[ Laughter ]

And we all know she loved a nip tuck.

And you know what? So do I.

I love a little nip of whiskey after I tuck my kids into bed.

[ Laughter ]

Out of everything Joan said,

there was one line that always stays with me.

She said, "Always carry a small sledgehammer in your purse

in case you hit the glass ceiling."

Thank you, Joan,

for always leading the way with your sledgehammer.

I would not be here tonight without you.

Good night, everybody.

I hope your Medicaid goes through.

[ Cheers and applause ]

-She was fearless.

I mean, she did not care what anyone thought.

She's, like, the epitome of a trailblazer.

She was the most badass, you know,

female comedian that ever was.

-And now for a somber moment, it's Aubrey Plaza.

[ Cheers and applause ]

-Joan Rivers was a trailblazer, yes, but let's be honest,

not all of her jokes have stood the test of time.

Now, we've heard a lot of tasteless jokes tonight,

but some of them are next level.

Some of them are

"Eeh, we're not supposed to say that anymore."

So tonight, I think it would be a good time

to lay a few of them to rest forever.

Let's revisit some of Joan's most

"Eeh, we probably shouldn't say that anymore" jokes

one last time.

There are so many of them,

but let's just do a couple.

[ Somber music playing ] Thank you, Henry.

"My Mexican maid is great,

but I wish she'd stop rimming my toilet bowl with salt."

[ Laughter ]

**

"The morning after pill isn't new.

It just used to be called

throwing yourself down the stairs."

[ Laughter ]

You don't have to laugh.

It can be awkward silence if you want.

If that feels good for you.

"I dated a homeless man.

In the subway after dinner,

I suggested we go back to his place.

He said 'We're there.'"

[ Laughter ]

**

"A hint while playing blackjack --

never say 'hit me' if the dealer is Italian."

[ Laughter ]

You're sick. You're all sick.

I'm so sorry.

"There's a new dish for Japanese bisexuals --

him-she."

[ Laughter ]

**

"My anorexic neighbor is pregnant.

Finally, she's eating for one."

[ Laughter ]

Goodbye forever.

Except maybe...

"AOL is promoting a Nazi makeover show filmed

at the Anne Frank House called 'This Old Attic.'"

Anyway, those are just a few.

But thank you, Joan.

I love you. I hope you're enjoying hell.

I will see you there very soon.

[ Cheers and applause ]

-Hi. Can we talk?

Listen, this Saturday evening, I will be joining QVC

to introduce my new Classics Collection of fashion jewelry.

It's just beautiful. And you are going to love it.

Oh, wrong way. -Wrong way.

Joan, we're on. -Oh!

-Oh, I like it. It's yummy.

-It's yummy. -You always keep me laughing.

-You're living all these years making people laugh.

It's not a bad way to make a living.

-Thank you. You just walked in my shot, Rivers.

-Mwah, mwah. Love you, mean it.

-Something old and make it new.

And that's really -- Yes. -Me. Me!

-How much do we love her?

How much do we love...

-Please welcome Rita Wilson.

-Hello. I loved Joan Rivers.

How could you not love a woman who did so much,

who worked so hard and who made so many people laugh?

Joan really knew how to sell a joke.

Actually, she knew how to sell everything.

She built $1 billion empire on QVC with her jewelry,

clothing, beauty products, and she had fun doing it.

I'd like to honor Joan tonight by doing something

she was so very good at --

selling you stuff that you definitely don't need.

[ Laughter ]

**

[ As Joan Rivers ] Hello, I'm Rita Wilson,

and boy, do we have a deal for you today.

For the first time ever,

you can be the proud owner of Joan Rivers' jokes.

Oh, oh, oh, oh, how exciting is that?

This is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to own the jokes

that tell the Joan Rivers story.

Jokes like...

"I was a dog in high school.

I told my father a boy wanted to take me out,

and he said, 'Not without a leash.'"

[ Laughter ]

[ Normal voice ] That joke can be yours if you call now.

A Joan joke is the perfect gift for all ages.

In fact, kids love Joan's jokes.

Why? Because they're not only funny, they're also educational.

"Marry for money.

I've always taught my daughter that sex is the most beautiful,

meaningful thing a woman can get paid for."

[ Laughter ]

"Tragedy plus time equals a facelift."

[ Laughter ]

And Joan also asked the tough questions like,

"What kind of soup do you give to a sick chicken?"

[ Laughter ]

Let's go to the phones. Do I have a call coming in?

It's -- Ah, it's Christie from Wisconsin.

Hello, Christie. How are you?

Are you ready to place your order

for this incredible joke set? -Hi, Rita. I think so.

I'm just worried that Joan was so amazing and successful,

I won't be able to relate to her material.

-Oh, Christine, I completely understand your concern.

But believe it or not, Joan was just like you and me.

Proof --

"I have ugly feet. I try not to let it bother me.

After all, I have ten toes like everyone else.

Seven on one foot, three on the other."

[ Laughter ]

Call now. Joan's jokes.

Promo code -- "CanWeTawk."

That's "tawk" with a W, naturally.

Operators are standing by, but I'm not.

I have dinner plans. Good night. Mwah!

[ Cheers and applause ]

Thank you, Joan.

-Please welcome Matteo Lane.

-Hi.

Hey. Hi, everyone.

So, you know, I'm a comedian,

and I thought I should tell jokes tonight,

but in true gay fashion,

I thought maybe I'll sing a song to honor Joan instead.

We are at the Apollo after all.

So, please, Henry Koperski --

Give it up for Henry for being great, by the way.

**

* I'd like to take a moment *

* To give a little toast *

* To the one who started everything *

* And inspired me the most *

* A legend in her truest sense *

* I bow before her throne *

* I'm too emotional to speak *

* So let me sing this song to Joan *

**

* You see, when I was young *

* I'd never seen a gay man telling jokes *

Wait a minute. Hold on. I'm sorry.

An out gay man telling jokes.

We know who they are. Okay.

* So I'd watch the closest thing I could find *

* Kathy Griffin and Margaret Cho *

* And finally, when I was 21 *

* I saw a special that changed change my life *

It was called "Before Melissa Pulls the Plug,"

and Joan would literally take giant plants

and give them to people in the audience.

I was like, "Ooh, I need to see more of this."

* And that's when I knew that my North Star was Joan *

**

* She walked on stage, she was 72 *

* With a fur around her neck *

* She opened up her mouth to speak *

* And what she said, I'll never forget *

"If you're old, get up and get out.

I hate old people,

I hate ugly people, and I hate children."

* And finally, I saw myself in the art I'd like to hone *

* All because I knew my North Star was Joan *

* I couldn't believe that someone *

* Could be so powerful on stage *

* She stayed true to her self *

* Her integrity, no matter what age *

* I use that strength and confidence *

* To get me through those awful open mics *

* She was underrated, an underdog *

* But she wouldn't get up without a fight *

* Thank you to my North Star *

* Joan *

[ Cheers and applause ]

Henry Koperski, everybody.

Thank you.

[ Cheers and applause ]

-Still to come, Tiffany Haddish

and Chelsea Handler.

-Joan Rivers is probably the reason

that I'm in show business today.

When I started out in comedy,

the litmus test was "The Tonight Show."

I could not, for the life of me,

get booked on "The Tonight Show."

One night, Joan Rivers saw me at the Comedy Store.

She said, "You're very funny, young man.

Have you ever been on 'The Tonight Show'?"

And I said, "No, but, you know, this week's my birthday."

And she said, "Here's a number. Call this guy."

And I called her manager

and she booked me that week to be on "The Tonight Show."

She just saw me, thought I was funny,

and booked me on "The Tonight Show."

And that was my first time on "The Tonight Show,"

which changed my life.

And Johnny saw me on "The Tonight Show" with Joan,

liked me so much, and brought me back the next week.

I ended up doing it 22 times.

-He's the Roastmaster General carrying on

Joan's work for the next generation.

Please welcome Jeff Ross.

[ Cheers and applause ]

**

-Hello, everybody. What's happening, comedy fans?

[ Cheers and applause ]

I loved her. I loved her so much.

She changed comedy. It was the Golden Globes, 1994.

That was the event

that Joan Rivers first stormed the red carpet.

Armed with nothing but a microphone

and a world-class wit,

Joan made Hollywood history with one simple question --

"Who are you wearing?"

Then she'd look them up and down and let them have it.

Millions of Americans began tuning in to those pre-shows

just to see Joan speak truth to star power.

And the world's top designers flocked

to fit the biggest celebs just to get their names mentioned.

But now, without Joan to keep them grounded,

Hollywood has lost control of its stars.

The stars have run amok.

Free to wear whatever the hell they want,

no matter how ridiculous.

And the rest of us are expected to just sit here

and say nothing.

So tonight, out of respect, I won't ask who are you wearing?

But I will ask,

I wonder what Joan would have said about this person?

Jada. Jada, can we talk?

Nobody wants that much kale salad, honey.

[ Laughter ]

Yes.

This dress looks like a cry for kelp.

And what about Sam Smith at the Brit Awards last year?

Hey, Rocky, where's Bullwinkle?

I imagine Joan just standing there on the red carpet,

pretending to be in shock.

I love you, Sam, I love you.

You look like you're going to a shiva for a butt plug.

I miss her. I miss her.

Billy Porter, amazing talent and such a Broadway diva

that he's dressed for his own curtain call.

And of course,

there's no bigger star right now

than Ariana grand duvet cover.

Hey, at least if that joke hurts her feelings,

she already has a comforter.

She's wearing it.

Anyway, I'm not a doctor, but I count three polyps.

[ Laughter ]

Oh, Joan.

What would you have said to this guy?

Jared Leto at the Met Gala.

Two heads, not a single thought between them.

[ Laughter ]

Joan probably would have slapped them both in the fucking face.

I love this next guy.

Dan Levy. Did you see him host the Emmys?

He was great with his dad, Eugene.

They were so funny together.

I got two words for you, Dan.

Less starch.

Is it a tie? Is it a napkin? Is it necessary?

Frankly, this outfit blows.

Slightly to the left.

[ Laughter ]

And finally, I wish Joan Rivers was there

when I was invited to walk the runway

at Men's Fashion Week in Paris.

Joan would have looked at me,

she would have said, "Who are you wearing?

Jewey Vuitton?"

"Who are you wearing?

Giorgio Salami?"

"Jeff, can we talk?

You really put the gout in Jean Paul Gaultier."

Joan wasn't just the queen of the red carpet.

She was the dictator. She was feared and revered.

And to me, she was a friend and a mentor.

And I'll never forget when we finally roasted Joan,

it was a great show.

But Joan went up at the end and schooled all of us.

She was the only person I ever saw

be the funniest person at their own roast.

And one word about Joan and her heart.

This is a benefit for God's love we deliver.

When I was a young comic, I took care of my grandfather,

and a food service would come by,

check on him, and give him a hot meal

so that I could go out at night and follow my dreams.

So the fact that you're all here raising money

for such an important cause means the world to me,

and it makes me love Joan even more.

Long live the queen, Joan Rivers.

[ Cheers and applause ]

-Two people that should not be stopped in security --

two people -- gay men and Jewish women.

Gay men. I'm telling you, there is no way in hell

a gay man can ever get a bomb in his luggage.

There is no room.

[ Laughter ]

Shall I put the bomb in there,

or shall I take an extra sweater just in case I meet somebody?

[ Laughter ]

And a Jewish woman --

No Jewish woman is going to ever put a bomb in a Gucci bag.

Are you crazy? Excuse me?

You want me, Yetta Bernstein, to put a bomb in my Gucci bag?

Do you know how many people I had to [bleep]

to get that Gucci bag?

[ Laughter ]

-Welcome back to the stage, Tiffany Haddish.

-Shalom, shalom. Thank you, Doogie.

Thank you, thank you.

As you probably figured out from the opening

of this tribute, I'm Jewish.

In fact, five years ago, I was bat mitzvahed.

You don't just learn how to be a real Jew in shul.

Mnh-mnh, mnh-mnh.

Where I really learned about living a Jewish life

was from studying Joan's jokes.

She gave me a master class in Jew you

and how to never buy retail.

Nothing retail, baby.

From her jokes about the perfect Jewish honeymoon,

I learned that all you really need is a cruise, okay?

You lie in bed and the ship does all the work, so.

Joan was a Jew who loved Easter

so much she colored matzo balls.

Now, before that,

I thought matzo balls were right below where the brischar is.

That's what I thought. I didn't know it was a...

Anyways, Joan taught me that Jews don't exercise.

The only time we bend down and touch our toes

is to see if we need a new pedicure.

No, I'm good.

I also learned about dating Jewish men.

I learned if you date a Jewish guy who's cheating on his wife,

he'll beg you not to tell his mother.

And I learned that a nice Jewish girl should date a perfect 10.

Which from Joan was a 3 with money, okay?

Joan also was my rabbi

when it comes to fashion and accessories

a Jewish girl like me should wear.

Before her, I had no fashion sense, okay?

From Joan,

I learned that Paris was the fashion capital of Europe.

She said even the condoms there are fashionably baggy.

And that's true because they always fall off.

She -- [ Laughter ]

Thanks to Joan's jokes,

I learned that G in G-spot stands for Gucci

and that you can't spell jewelry without the letters J, E, W.

[ Cheers and applause ]

In her immortal words, get jewelry

before you hit the sack with the man.

A diamond comes from being under a lump of coal for centuries.

A woman gets a diamond for being under a man for 20 minutes.

So bottom line, Joan and her jokes taught me

how to be a better Jew, a better dresser, and a better comic.

Thank you, guys. Love you, Joan.

-Please welcome a showbiz legend, Sandra Bernhard.

[ Cheers and applause ]

-I'm so glad you can still recognize me

after my most recent surgical procedures.

Back in the day, when I was just starting to perform,

I heard through the grapevine that Joan had seen me

at the Ye Little Club in Beverly Hills on Canon Drive.

I heard she said, "She's funny,

but if she doesn't get a nose job,

she'll never make it in this business."

I'm so glad I heeded her advice.

[ Laughter ]

I wrote a film script for Joan and myself

called "Mixed Messages."

I was going to play a free spirit artist

who had to move back home in her 30s,

where Joan would play my mother,

a WASPy Jew who tries to tame me.

And of course, at the end we evolve together.

Of course, the film never got made.

But years later we ended up working together on a sitcom

where Joan did play my mother

and I have to come and bail her out of jail.

So I'm sitting there,

I'm watching Joan, and she's such a pro,

and she's sitting in her little jail cell studying her lines.

And it struck me

that Joan had spent her whole life breaking out

of societal prisons

and old notions of what it meant to be a woman in comedy.

The late nights at the clubs,

convincing people she had what it took,

exploring her strengths as a writer, a producer,

battling the conceptions of beauty and ageism.

She paved the way for women like me to be their authentic selves.

So thank you, Joan, for breaking all the rules

and making it just a little bit easier

to be a funny woman without compromise.

Here's to you, honey.

Thank you. It's great to be at the Apollo.

[ Cheers and applause ]

-Hold on. I have a bunch written down.

Let's take a peek.

-This one's titled "Cleanliness."

Why would that be the first one that I would pull out?

"Cleanliness."

-This is under politics.

"I'm sick of John McCain whining

about his torture in a P.O.W. camp.

You try flying coach 11 hours from L.A. to London."

-"Donald Trump is a leech.

His pick-up line is, 'You want to see Trump Towers?'"

-"I show up to orgies with Handi Wipes."

You know, I know that's supposed to be funny,

but when I read it, it's just like a good idea.

-"I have no sex appeal.

Peeping toms look in my window and pull down the shade."

[ Laughter ]

-The best.

-Coming up, Chelsea Handler

with a touching tribute to Joan.

-She was also a blonde Jew,

which is the third-rarest kind of Jew.

[ Laughter ]

-I want everyone to know about her

and what she dealt with being a female comedian

when she was a female comedian.

Going into those rooms when there were no women there.

Going into those rooms, dressing up.

Like she made comedy, you know, elegant.

Even though she was talking trash out of her mouth,

she was elegant about it.

She knocked opened so many doors so that the rest of us

were able to walk through.

And we have and will continue to.

-Please welcome Chelsea Handler.

[ Cheers and applause ]

-Good evening, everybody.

My name is Chelsea Handler,

and I am here to celebrate Joan Rivers

because she was a mother [bleep] ground-breaker.

When you're a woman doing stand-up

and you start to become successful,

you're often compared to Joan Rivers.

And I can say in my case,

that is a very accurate assessment.

We do have a lot in common.

For starters, she was also a blonde Jew,

which is the third-rarest kind of Jew.

[ Laughter ]

After uncircumcised rabbis and Tiffany Haddish.

[ Laughter ]

Joan was a force.

She was a stand-up comedian in a male-dominated industry,

and unfortunately, it is still a male-dominated industry.

And if it's hard being a female comedian today,

can you imagine how hard it was in the 1960s?

That was before we had Roe v. Wade,

and then we got Roe v. Wade, and then we lost Roe v. Wade.

So actually it's not that different.

But Joan did all of it for the love of comedy.

And she never apologized.

She once said, "Me apologizing for a joke

is like Taco Bell apologizing for giving you diarrhea.

We're both just doing our jobs."

She was the first woman to talk to audiences the way

that women actually talk to each other.

We weren't allowed to tell jokes

about sex or religion or our bodies.

And Joan wasn't allowed to either, but she did so anyway.

She was quick. She was smart. She was self-deprecating.

She once said, "I have no sex appeal.

My gynecologist examines me by telephone."

[ Laughter ]

If Joan didn't pave the way by talking

about sex and gynecologists and vaginas,

do you really think I could go on stage three nights a week

and talk about how much I love anal?

I'm kidding. I'm not really, though.

Joan was a pioneer for women in comedy,

and she walked so that we could run.

And let's talk about her late-night legacy.

In 1989, she became the first woman

to host a late-night talk show ever.

And she was the only woman in a male-dominated field.

And she opened the floodgates. Boy, did she ever.

It went so well that the second woman

to host a late-night talk show

was hired just 18 short years later.

And that's me.

[ Cheers and applause ]

And Joan, like all female trailblazers,

made it easier for all of us.

But when she was starting on her journey in comedy,

there was nobody to make it easier for her.

Do you know how hard it was

for Joan to get a spot doing stand-up on "The Tonight Show

with Johnny Carson," the kind of spot

that could literally change your life and career in an instant?

Even though she was well known as a joke writer,

the booker told her no over and over and over again

until she got a recommendation from peek a boo,

guess who, Bill Cosby.

[ Laughter ]

Because it doesn't matter

if you're a woman advocating for yourself.

You need someone to vouch for you.

Someone trustworthy

like Bill Cosby.

[ Laughter ]

Joan gave us license to be bold and to be brave.

She showed us how to work hard, how to succeed,

how to fail, how to pick ourselves back up,

work hard, succeed, and fail all over again.

And I think Joan said it best in this card

we found from her filing cabinet.

"All is fair in love and comedy,

and I feel the same way as most guys

when they see Chelsea Handler naked.

No hard feelings."

[ Laughter ]

[ Cheers and applause ]

My entire career I have been compared to Joan Rivers,

and all I can say is I should be so lucky.

-Please welcome Melissa Rivers.

[ Cheers and applause ]

**

-So first of all, thank you all so, so very much.

This evening is -- it's bittersweet because on one hand,

I do wish my mother was still here to see all this,

but on the other hand, she'd be in her mid-90s

and all my free time would be dealing with caregivers,

canes, and, well, catheters.

In preparing for tonight's show,

I was going through some of my mother's old archival papers

and I found this.

[ Clears throat ]

Thank you.

"Dear Melissa,

if you are reading this, I am dead.

And given that I am dead,

I assume someone will finally decide to honor me.

Well, it's about [bleep] time."

[ Laughter ]

"Please share the enclosed note

with whatever random producer is producing this show.

Of course, I have a few suggestions to make it better.

Don't use any of those fun, candid family photos

where I'm not in full hair and makeup.

Backlighting, especially for the,

well, since I can't say ugly anymore,

let's call them

'the aesthetically challenged presenters.'

Make sure I come off looking good

as a comedian and as a mother.

None of that Joan Crawford 'Mommie Dearest' crap.

And for God's sakes, don't let Melissa pull that

Christina Crawford 'Mommie Dearest' crap.

I am so tired of her whining about that.

And lastly, have Melissa close the show.

She is much better at faking warmth, humility,

and gratitude than I ever was.

Thank you in advance, Joan Rivers."

[ Cheers and applause ]

I would love to sincerely thank everyone

for being here tonight to support my mother's

favorite charity, God's Love We Deliver,

which since 1985 has provided almost 40 million

medically tailored meals to New Yorkers

living with chronic illness, all for free.

[ Cheers and applause ] Exactly.

Some of you might notice that my mother loved

to make people laugh.

She once said, when you make people laugh,

you give them a mini vacation.

With all the challenging things

we have gone through in the past 10 years,

I truly from the bottom of my heart

hope you've all enjoyed this very much needed vacation.

Thank you.

-I would definitely love to see Joan come back

and roast the TikTokers in all their videos.

-I would implore a younger generation to go back

and just, like, Google Joan Rivers jokes

and laugh your asses off because it'll still work.

-"I was so fat in high school,

all the girls wore poodle skirts,

I wore a German Shepherd."

-I remember her talking about her having sex with Edgar

and being very kind of graphic.

-"Don't tell me Cher doesn't like them young.

She just bought a co-op in Mister Rogers' Neighborhood."