Original subtitles

Remember Vaughn?

This Vaughn?

My sister's red -pilled Keto New World Order Illuminati ex -husband.

Wait, is this on repeat?

I miss Vaughn.

Have you, like, never heard of Shuffle?

Such nice memories.

Hey, do you remember that time you took a dump in the waypoint and it landed on

someone's pie?

No. Well, I do.

You were so embarrassed to reflect with the toilet for a week.

I don't know what you're talking about.

I see you were constipated the whole summer.

Hey, poo aside, and you know how close to my heart that topic is, but when did

you say was the last time you came to this water park?

Oh,

wow. Great job.

No one thought to Google.

Why are you always such a miserable bitch?

Oh, hey, relax, guys.

Don't defend me.

Why can't you be more like your boyfriend?

Melissa, apologize to your sister.

Apologize to Henry.

Apologize to me.

What? Why?

For dragging me three hours out of town to some reclaimed water park that was

turned into a nature reserve in 2018.

Wow, the intelligence on display here is staggering.

Oh, just shut up.

Okay, okay, okay. Melissa, stop, okay?

Look, guys, on the right side, I saw another camping ground just up the road.

That could be fun, right?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sure, sure, sure. Let's go. Let's go check this way.

Melissa, come on, come on. Oh, yeah, fun. Let's go. Let's go check it. Great.

Okay, cool.

Let's get back in the stinky -ass car again.

Hi, hello, hello.

Kiwi Road Trip Motel and Campground.

First time? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. First time.

Staying here.

Oh, virgins.

How exciting.

Anyway, housekeeping.

Bathrooms, that way.

Showers, also that way.

Now, you get three minutes of hot water each session.

After that, don't say cold, your balls will crawl right back up inside.

So, hey, no shower fun, eh?

Hey,

you too, talking to you.

Speaking of slipping slides, you folks wouldn't have happened to come here for

the water park, would you?

Who could have known that closed hour in 2018?

Most major news outlets reported it.

So, anyway,

take a look at that.

If you're looking for alternative entertainment, why fly all the way

Tasman when you've got it all here?

I'm just three hours out of Auckland up the SH1.

Or you can get on a plane for three hours and visit the real Australia.

Yeah, but have they got clay shooting?

Probably.

Exactly. And so do we.

So don't you let anyone tell you that they got something we ain't.

What do you reckon?

That's props.

Yeah.

Great.

Okay, are you ready?

It is currently sitting at 40 ,000 total views.

Vice News wants to talk, and you've had about 300 death threats in the last 72

hours. Is that good?

Yeah, it's Vice.

No, the death threats.

Look, when Alpha Male 347 DMs you to kill yourself, that's when you know it's

gone viral.

This is the most success you've ever had as a writer.

It'll probably never happen again.

Thanks. Like, ever.

No, I get it. Yes, you should be scooping this up with both hands like

attention -starved, unpublished writer that you are.

Is everything okay at your dad's camper van business?

And if I can do one more RV dump box, I swear to God, I'm going to fucking...

Hey, a little help?

Just a minute.

Is that Melissa?

No.

Pigs. Sounds like Melissa.

Pigs!

Look, Vice will still be there when I get back on Monday. I just need to get

through this weekend.

Okay. I just want the record to reflect. I think it's super weird you're going

on a family trip with her.

Is it getting a divorce?

Yeah, I've been divorced.

It's not that bad.

Whatever you're doing on the socials and tell alpha male 347 thanks for the

support.

Excuse me, are you sleeping in the same bed?

No.

Good. Good.

Good. Good. Good.

Good. Good.

Stop repeating what I say in a meaningful tone. Just be careful you

anything, like the flu or feelings.

Bye.

Oh, thanks for your help, Romeo.

A sense of one -person assembly. I wasn't expecting a Frank Geary.

How's Mandy?

She's fine.

You have the emotional intelligence of Amoeba.

Oh, well, if you're so worried about her, why don't you date her?

She's single now.

I'm dating you.

Look, I just don't understand why you have to be this miserable when you're

one who told me to come. I hate you.

You don't get it, because that is how it's always been.

Yeah, I get on the Dean's List. Mandy gets 80 ,000 likes on Instagram.

I get into med school, but, wow, Mandy gets a sponsorship from Kmart. I break

leg, but, oh, no, Mandy has stubbed her toe.

So you feel undervalued? Wow, how original.

You know what? I shouldn't even be here. Saturday is when we get our biggest,

spacious fist.

Disgusting, it's too.

Stop being such a baby. This clingy, needy version of you is seriously off

-brand. Screw you.

The space is off -brand, wanker.

The only thing I'll see about this place is that half -assed, she'll be right

sign. Shut up, she'll be.

What? I'm just saying we'll probably get tetanus here.

Get better, we'll lose it.

Welcome to Aussie land.

You like it?

She's got the accent.

Damn right, girl.

Come on, I'll show you around.

We've got a lot to explore.

Let's start with the lake.

Larry's condo.

Larry?

Crog.

And this is Clyde.

And that's safe?

Safe. I've got a two -year -old girl that rides on these.

And where is she now?

Alive. What? So who wants to go first?

How about you?

Hard path.

Jeez, someone woke up with a wombat over a rump.

Okay, how about you, sir?

Oh, me?

Hey, why not?

Just give it a try.

Hey, you think you can brighten up a bit?

Open your eyes.

What? Look at her. She's miserable.

Yeah, so... So right now, you're winning.

She's in the dumps while you're here in a semi -functional relationship with a

successful boyfriend who has over 300 death threats and counting.

Fake boyfriend.

Who they will think is real.

In a year's time, Mandy will be done with her divorce.

And then she's going to bring home a movie star who's also a surgeon, and

parents are going to go back to saving you last in a house fire.

So just enjoy this.

Right now, you're creating Wu family history.

It might never happen again.

I'm OK.

All right. Who wants to go next?

Don't be shy.

I'll go.

I was born ready.

That's nice.

Mandy, look, there's still such a male.

If Melissa can find one, you can find one.

That Wong, don't worry about her.

She's the first time to come to us.

I think she's not a good thing.

She's got a bad boy's head.

Oh, she's got a bokeh.

She's got a bokeh. She's got a bokeh. She's got a bokeh. She's got a bokeh.

She's got a bokeh. She's got a bokeh.

The calculator app.

How do you work in tech and use the calculator app?

Maybe he was just dividing really large numbers.

We do it with our head, okay?

Okay, what's 504 divided by 36?

What?

We do it in our head at his age, okay?

Mandy. Remember when he took your blood sugar for a month and made you eat red

meat and only red meat? Mum, come on.

What? Can't we just... I mean... Look at her, can't we?

What do you mean, look at me? Look at what?

What? Fuck you.

Whoa, Mandy.

I don't need this big sister bullshit.

After you waltz in on my trip, after my divorce, with your coward K -pop

knockoff... Okay, don't talk about him like that. I don't need you.

Okay?

to make your sister upset. She's going through a... She's going through a

divorce.

What?

I'll take care of him.

What?

You want a sausage?

I'm busy.

Yeah, clearly.

What do you want?

The thing back there when you

were... Like, whatever.

Yeah. Okay?

There was not one full sentence in there.

I was... I was just trying to get them off your back. That's all.

And... I'm... Sorry.

What are you sorry for?

I'm sorry you're such a bitch. I heard it's terminal.

I don't know the truth.

I did everything right.

I met a guy, an amazing, amazing guy.

Except for the keto.

Except for the keto.

Everything mum and dad wanted for us both, I did it because you wouldn't. And

now, Mandy, you know you don't have to be what people want you to be. Of course

you would say that.

You did what you wanted. All the time.

Every time.

And it worked out for you. You're free.

The rest of us aren't so lucky.

Henry. Oh, yeah, right.

Right.

Henry, you know the way he looks at you when you're not paying attention?

Nobody ever looks at me until I make them.

It's not real.

We faked it. The whole relationship.

I needed a fake boyfriend because I wanted to sleep with Gail and he's

interesting. Henry was about to get kicked out. We both were getting our

off our backs so we faked the whole thing. Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

It feels so good to get that off me.

But, um,

yeah, what you said, totally.

It's real.

Okay, Mandy, did you not just... There is something you cannot escape.

Mandy. Melissa, for once in your life, let yourself be happy.

And just like that, gravity net was safe and the universe's intergalactic

internet. It's back online.

The end.

Yeah, that's my favourite.

Yeah, I like it too.

Hey, what do you think they're saying over there?

I'm not crazy, am I?

The thing with Melissa, am I being crazy?

I mean, I know we're just pretending, but I don't know, maybe we're pretending

because we're... Afraid of the truth.

What?

Like the military.

Whoa.

Now,

these buggers are particular to this neck of the woods, but the trick to

them light up the night sky is you cannot disturb them.

You have to be quiet.

Oh, yeah, great.

We're best friends now.

Why?

Well, this is nice, right?

Spa trips are nice.

Travel to Hawaii is nice.

But I've caught taking menus and rolling orgasms are nice.

You say it like you're high for them.

You say it like you've given them.

You know, you really don't get enough credit for how funny you are.

Oh, you know, I shine when I have pathetic people around me to draw from.

Thanks. Hang on.

Listen, I've been, um,

you know, thinking a lot recently about stuff.

You know, like The Matrix and... What?

The film with Keanu Reeves. Yeah, I know what The Matrix is.

Why? And, like, you know, like, thematically it's actually pretty

like a sci -fi version of Plato's Cave. And the point is, what are we?

We're basically just bags of flesh and bone. You know, with no real purpose.

And, like... Imagine if I could put my hand through that cave right now as

talking about the Matrix.

Henry, are you high?

No.

What I'm trying to say is what is real?

Like spas, vacations, nine -course rolling orgasms.

Sure, but I don't know. Maybe what's real is this.

You know, walking through a bush at night with someone.

Glowworms cheering Mandy up because she's upset. You know, that's it. That's

what's real. So, I don't know, maybe this could be something because real is

just two people trying to make each other happy.

You know? Shut up.

What?

You don't know what real it is, Henry.

Okay, you live at home.

So do you.

Yeah, but I have goals.

I have plans.

And you, you're just...

a parasite, you know?

Like, you leeched onto Yang Yang and you leeched onto Christian with your stupid

article and now you're just leeching onto me because you don't know what you

want.

You don't know how to do real, Henry.

That's why nobody wants to publish you.

The best that you can do is be a copy of a copy of a copy.

The best you can do.

Is pretend.

Because you're a hack.

And... And you don't deserve to be happy.

Why are you crying?

Coles?

Yeah.

They weren't kidding about the three -minute roll.

I'd wait if I were you.

Hey.

You wanna go to walk?

Yeah.

I heard you fighting on the bushwalk.

That'd be so... Best date for getting sisters at the clinic.

It had nothing to do with our relationship.

Henry, I know.

I know.

She told me.

We're still sisters.

I don't know what we were thinking.

It's just so... Stupid.

Have you thought about being less stupid?

Occasionally.

I never commit to it.

Don't get me wrong, my sister is obnoxious and difficult and stubborn and

narcissistic and an attention whore and a pathological asshole.

But some people like that kind of thing.

Make it real.

Henry, I have problems, issues that I'm working on.

It's life.

I'm not working on them.

Honestly, most of the time I'm pretty content with myself, but sometimes I

to be better.

Not nicer, just gooder.

I want to be happy.

It comes so easily to other people, you know.

I want to try.

I want to try.

Sorry,

I can't.

Well, now you know, right?

It sounds really good now.

You okay funny over there?

Yeah.

Let me explain certain things.

Make my whole world change.

I'll say, I'll say it all

right?

Fine.

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