Original subtitles

You know when someone says to you, you've got to step back and take a look

the bigger pit?

It's usually just another way of them saying you've spent way too much time on

piece of shit that doesn't matter.

And now it's finally time to pull your head out of your ass and stick it in

someone else's for a change.

You know, I think this is going to be really good for you.

Like, I know ghostwriting isn't really your jam, but this guy, he's pretty

interesting. He is changing the game in a game -changing niche sport and, like,

reinventing it for the matter.

A niche sport?

Please, just think about the money.

Fine, fine.

Heads down and shine a light in someone else's arse.

That's right, Henry, get in there.

Yo,

A -team in the house! What up, gangsters?

Oh, God, no.

Remember me?

It's your boy, Christian.

Come on in, guys.

Scrap your shoes, though. It's a California mahogany.

Welcome to dream world.

Okay, changed my mind.

Abort, Henry.

Abort. Abort.

After I was let go by the Swedish Crowley, it hit me.

I suddenly remembered why I got into Hobby Horse Roller Derby in the first

place.

It wasn't just a sport.

It was a movement.

We were the voice of a generation that said no more.

No more to the use of horses for our selfish, crass, human sensual

entertainment.

This memoir is going to be an homage to that spirit.

You feeling me, Henry?

I'm definitely feeling something.

Yeah, you are.

So, can we talk a little bit more about why you were allegedly kicked out of the

Swedish program? Don't I say you can touch that, bro?

I'm just pulling your leg, bro.

Seriously, though, that's why I love you, man.

The moment I saw you, I thought, here's a guy who's not afraid to get to the

truth.

That's exactly what this project means.

I want to show you guys a little something.

Feast your eyes.

On.

Ta -da!

E... Hobby Horse Roller Derby.

That's right.

We're taking Hobby Horse Roller Derby to the Metaverse, turning it into an

extreme e -sport for gamers.

This is made at our training -slash -coating lab out near Waitakere Dam now.

We can get this memoir to take off.

Build. Enough traction, we can take the sport to a whole other level, man.

Inspire a whole other generation.

Kill the demand for live horse racing and show jumping once and for all.

You see, this is about making history, Henry.

You feel me, bro?

No, don't trust them. He's a hobby horse, a gamer, Henry. It's not like

Lance Armstrong. He could be. You don't know.

Look, this gig is humiliating enough without the added indignity of having to

glorify my ex's new boyfriend.

Do you think about them? Yes, I'm thinking about the money.

But I still have integrity, Jen.

The least I can ask for is a little bit of a fact check.

What are you thinking?

I need you and Aiden to scope out that training base.

Oh, easy.

All I need is a car and a driver's license.

Yeah, okay, fine. I'll sort something out.

What are you going to do?

Talk to someone on the inside.

Nope. I don't want anything to do with that dickhead.

And you and I are zero commitment, remember?

Because I don't want to sleep with some stupid feng shui fountain trickling

water over my head.

I heard they're really effective.

Hi, Henry.

Sorry.

Bye -bye.

Bye.

So, Mandy's moving back in?

Nope, I'm just relocating my high -performance roller derby hobby horse

studio to the garage for shits and giggles.

Wouldn't you rather help me take down Christian K?

I'd rather take him down in the rink.

If he ever goes back into the rink.

What do you mean?

He's trying to take hobby horse roller derby into the metaverse.

Something about turning her into extreme esport.

Whatever that means.

What?

Thanks so much for doing this, Sam. Are you kidding?

Anytime you want to go stalking Christian K, I am down.

I feel a little bit like secret agents. I totally like secret agents. We just

need code names.

Oh, yeah, and we need to wear our headphones upside down so the coil bit

over our ear.

Ah, you mean I like this?

You're amazing.

Guys,

I think I found it.

Look at this.

Even in primary school, I knew that video games were the future.

These are some of my titles.

Extreme Hobby Horse Roller Doobie Justing.

Roller Doobie Hobby Horse Polo 27.

And even Roller Doobie Hobby Horse Paintball Assassin.

And Christian knew about this? They all did.

E -Roller Doobie Hobby Horse was my idea from the very beginning.

To be fair, his version's a bit more extreme. They're weighing VR goggles and

going down dabs.

You need another interview.

Okay, what if I was the generator?

Like a power generator, but with a J.

Yes. Okay, and then I could be, like, elevator because of the Ellie.

Okay, I love it. I literally love it. Guys, I think I'm on to something.

Oh, jeez.

Shit. Drone down, drone down.

Oh, oh, oh.

It's a hobstick.

If you play the bad cop, then he'll assume I'm the good cop, and then we

we're actually both bad cops. Henry, this is my interrogation. I play both

Fine. Are you recording?

Yeah, yeah.

I cannot wait to see his face when I hit him with this truth, Renate.

Henry!

Melissa!

What a lovely surprise.

Come on in, I'm making tea.

So if you're the generator and you're the elevator, could I be like the

Aidenator? What?

Like the Terminator.

No, just not. Shush, Aiden, this place is giving me the creeps.

All this shit.

Paper. Someone must have shot her down.

Hey, you guys.

You're going to want to come and look at this.

No.

No, I mean... I just thought this memoir would be so much richer if it included

a bit more about you and Christian together.

Henry Lee, are you telling me that you're actually interested in a romantic

storyline? When we were writing together, Henry would get in the mood

would try and talk about the love story because he thought it detracted from the

science. He is such a dweeb.

Hey, can I get another sugar?

This is just way too strong.

Sure, of course.

Sorry about that.

I'll be right back. Excuse me.

What the hell are you doing?

What? Quit playing catch -up with your ex -girlfriend. We're on an

interrogation. I'm clearly trying to get to him, to her.

Where are you going?

Off to find some incriminating evidence, obviously.

Here we go.

Um,

if Melissa's gone to the bathroom, she might be a while.

I guess.

Oh, my God.

Do you remember how you used to spend hours on the toilet in the morning? It

would drive your mum insane.

You two are so perfect for each other.

Wanker.

Whoa. This looks like an 80s click phone.

What's that?

Don't know what I was expecting, but I thought the graphics would be better.

Let's find out.

This is kind of cool.

What the hell?

Hey, 30 bills.

This isn't part of Hobby Horse Roller Derby.

You were a cheater on your way.

Hello?

Is that you and Henry?

What? Stay away from Chris.

Away from Chris.

He's running some kind of underground meth lab.

What?

Dealing drugs, but like on the metaverse.

I got it.

He's using hobby horse roller derby as a...

Cover.

Hello? What were you trying?

Hey, hey, hey.

Hello?

Someone's coming.

Shit!

Hello? What the hell is going on? You're saying he's a what?

Allow me to explain.

So it's about time travel?

Yeah, well, time untraveled.

You know, sometimes I feel like you're trying to invent time travel for real

just so you can write a groundbreaking novel about it.

Well, that's the ambition.

But why?

I mean, why not just go and become a scientist for real then?

You know that time travel's not possible and that you're not a scientist, but

it's almost like if you could achieve this elusive...

impossible goal, it would be a safe bet to greatness.

Like you're obsessed with achieving something so spectacularly unattainable

because you're afraid that if you just keep it real, no one will care.

Wow.

Oh my God, I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to completely psychoanalyze. No, please.

You know, I actually kind of missed this talk.

Yeah.

Me too.

Oh, hey.

Do you remember this?

This?

This bad boy from that summer where we tried and failed to be Asian surfer

I was actually okay.

But I still have to ask. Of course.

Let me

go,

dickless wanker.

You're never going to get away with this.

I have got solid dirt on you, arthhole.

Alistair, this is so much bigger than you can possibly imagine.

Hey, Siri, full yang -yang.

It's Christian.

Who wants to talk to you?

Hello?

What?

What

the

hell?

Get off of me!

Melissa!

It's so good to see you again.

Mitch? Welcome to our home.

Should I say, uh, evolution?

Is this some kind of joke?

Oh, Melissa.

Always so cynical, aren't you?

What you see as a joke is the biggest online ecstasy market in the country.

They log on, they submit their order, and they pay by crypto. All on the guise

of e -hobby horse roller derby. And then they receive their pill like magic in

their leather box.

Kind of like Uber Eats for E, except with encrypted delivery addresses.

All that wonderful anonymous crap where we don't know the buyer and we do not

know the street seller.

Was that anonymous?

It's just a big black box where nothing can connect with what's going on in here

and what's going on out there.

Nothing except for you and your friends.

And the writer.

He's coming for me now.

Good. Well, this is weird as fuck.

Can we get rid of her, please?

Tie her up with her friends in the field and just leave a little spot for her

boyfriend.

I've got my boyfriend!

I'm sure it's some kind of misunderstanding.

How do you misunderstand a kidnapping?

Maybe it's one of those... Weird tech startup party?

Yeah, for an idea he plagiarized. Yeah, yeah, the guy is a fraud. Okay, look, I

know she's a girlfriend, but that doesn't mean everything she says has to

true, you know?

She's not my girlfriend.

What? It's fake.

We're just pretending to go out for a while to get off family Tinder while I

and get published.

Look, ever since we broke up, my parents have been dragging me out to Auntie

Linda's... Stop!

Hey, douchebag!

Where's Melissa?

Henry.

Glad you can mate.

Let me tell you how this is going to go down.

Damn it.

Well done, Henry. What a knight in shiny armor.

I was ambushed, okay?

There was at least like five of them.

Did you even put up a struggle?

I panicked.

It's not every day you come face to face with a drug lord and entourage.

I can't believe Christian created an illicit online start -up.

It's actually kind of impressive.

Yeah, it was based on my original idea.

So technically you're entitled to a pilot? Oh, shut up, Henry.

Guys, I thought of the end.

It's been an honour serving alongside you.

We're going to miss you,

Ada Neda.

Hey, do you think you could give the generator a kiss from me?

It'll be a kiss of death, but maybe that's how it was supposed to end.

Yeah, do you think you could give the elevator a kiss for me too?

That way if I get jealous, I'll know that even to the end, I was still alive

the inside.

Maybe I'll just squeeze your hands instead.

Yeah, that's good too.

That's my hand, numbskull. Oh, sorry.

Way to warn a poetic moment.

Oh, well, forgive me if I'm not resigning myself to this crappy fate

regret. If I knew this was going to happen, I so would have made the most of

that swing of the party last week.

At least he got the... sleep with gail i didn't who'd you sleep with the hot

dolphin man i didn't sleep with anyone oh god i don't know henry just felt

okay did you say hot dolphin man then enough it's time to silence these

coward ponies once and for all starting with i'm nosy little

writer

N -D -P -T.

Sorry,

guys.

Looks like I owe you all an explanation.

Damn right, cheetah.

You're right.

After I got kicked out of the Swedish Pro League, I went into a dark place.

Came home, started looking for drugs from the dark web to numb the pain.

That's where I met these guys.

I was recruited as an online deal.

That's when we reached out. He became our lead informer.

Only thing was, I couldn't figure out how Mitch managed to convert the online

deals to real -world deliveries.

It was all encrypted.

There was never any link.

Which is where you all come in.

I knew if I got you onto this ghostwriting gag fueled by your sense of

emasculation from seeing me with Yang Yang and your sense of inferiority from

aggressive and unapologetically masculine form of skating, the two of

go snooping in all the right places.

Provoke these bastards into committing a real -world crime we can finally get

them on.

Conspiring to assault and kidnap is 20 years, you son of a bitch. Go to hell.

You go to hell. I asked first.

Yeah, you better talk, otherwise you'll get no plea bargain.

Thanks, lads.

I'll see you next time.

Copy that.

So you were undercover the whole time we were together?

Except last Christmas.

Thanks for the lift.

Christian's got some paperwork to wrap up and I... Kind of just broke things

with him, so... Yeah.

Wow, I'm sorry.

That's okay.

Christian's such an incredible guy.

He's just so talented and mysterious and giving.

In the end, I guess that was kind of the problem.

He's just got so much to offer the world.

Hanging out with you today, Henry,

it kind of reminded me to appreciate the simple things, you know?

That success isn't everything.

Oh, by the way, I'm meeting with my agent tomorrow.

I was thinking I could tell him about Henry's time untravel novel.

Oh, my God, yes.

Please, do it. I'm happy to split the commission.

So, are you really going to throw all that out?

Aren't you meant to be trying to get back with your ex?

Because I want that.

Although she did give me some really good ideas for my book, actually, but I

don't know.

I think I want to keep writing about Christian.

Hobby horse check goes undercover to expose multi -million dollar e -lab.

That's a pretty good clickbait.

How's it?

Sometimes I think there's a reason to keep your head up your own arse.

So, really going to throw out all my research?

I guess not.

Want this for your next day?

Sure. That's real awesome.

Because if you really pulled it out to take a look at the big picture, you'd

shit yourself.

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