Original subtitles

Okay, here we go.

Holiday.

No, that's not my playlist.

Sam, what have you done? It's not me.

Well, Amy, can you stop it, please?

I'm just posting something.

On Bluetooth, your phone.

On Tether.

Just get it off that high five. On Tether, hon.

Robin, you all right about that? Do you need a wee -wee or something?

No, I just can't find the thing for my belt, the hard... Just hold it in,

I don't need a wee -wee. The seatbelt, just sort of put it... Talk and hold it

in place.

Yeah, that's not going to save his life if we crash, though, is it? Fine.

For you for the best, anyway. Oh, no, Robin, come on. Not again, please.

We've won Holly Bob's. Let's all sing along.

Sing along!

How could we sing along to this? Well, obviously, I was expecting something

else. Amy, untether your phone. I was putting away. It was making me car sick.

Well, do this first, quickly.

So you want me to throw up, then, do you? This hand sign is absurdly gunky.

It won't go away. Oh, I need a wee -wee now, actually.

Oh, well, this is your fault for bringing it up. My bladder's very

Now, listen, just turn round and go back. No, no, we've literally just left.

come on.

We've been waiting all year for this holiday. Can we at least just get off

room? I've got a tyre!

Rachel, fire! No, it's Uncle Robin vaping again.

Robin, can you at least open a window back there, please, mate?

Oh, for God's sake. Oh, my... God, it's unbearably free.

Watermelon, yeah.

Sorry, the window's going to open back here. Can you pop your seatbelt on as

well? God, it says I'm tethered. Why am I not tethered? I hate it.

Maybe we should just pop back on and thwart it out. Yeah, whacked out the

watermelon. I'm genuinely going to throw up. Oh, I just spilled handstand all

over my trousers.

Oh, all right!

You good?

I'm filming, Dad.

Cool. The 2020...

Jessup family summer holiday to America is... booked!

We are flying Premium Economy, a .k .a. Metal Cutlery, to LAX Airport

in LA.

Did you get the Flexi tickets?

Good for another 20 quid each, you can change or cancel them.

Well, no, but that's no need, actually, because we're not going to cancel, are

we? So... And that's just a scam to make idiots pay more money. So should we do

this again?

Welcome to the 2020 Jessup family... Welcome to the 2020... Oh,

stop saying her.

Welcome to... Welcome to the 2020 Jessup family summer holiday home video

movie.

Oh, I got it right. I don't know why I stopped. We have just booked our flights

to California,

America. We will be spending two nights in Disneyland as requested by Sam. Well,

yeah, when I was six.

All right.

And then on to Laguna Beach for surfing slash Instagram fodder for Amy and Maya

here, provided, of course, you get straight A's in your A -levels,

Don't do that. They're filming.

And then three days of hiking and rafting in Yosemite National Park.

Three days?

Yeah. Oh, I can't do three days on a raffle.

I can barely do three minutes on a toilet.

Well, you'll have your new hit by then, Mum. You'll be... Do you bloody scamper

at those hidden?

Scamper? Yes, scamper. Can someone get that? She's Uncle Robin and Terry.

I haven't scampered since the late 1990s. What does that even mean? You

specify who's all beating on.

Amy, can you get the door? I'm revising.

Sam, please.

No,

Sam's helping me film my... No, but I think it must be all out.

Oh,

hello, hello. What's for this?

Filming. Put it away, will you, Spielberg? Steven Spielberg?

You really can't just film people without their permission, you know, Sam?

It's a form of assault.

Sorry, Cherry.

Hi, Robin. Hi, Paul. Sam's just filming some stuff for the family home holiday

video. Well, I thought I'd hijack my media for this course. Yes, of course,

holiday.

The American dream.

I feel gutted you going without me. Well, no, babe, because we'll be in

Mauritius. That'll be no offence, but far better.

Yes, good point, babe. We'll be on our honeymoon by then, of course. Busy

having... Well, it's off, apparently.

No, I shouldn't have said that.

I shouldn't have said that in front of the camera.

Or at all, probably.

On that subject, though, Paolo, quick question for you.

No, not like that. Well, I've done it now.

Will you be my best man?

Er... Er... Well, are you friends?

You are a friend.

Slash brother -in -law.

Thank you. You're a great friend.

Yeah. And is Dean... No, Dean's been vetoed. Dean's a porn addict. Not

Like, just enthusiastic.

Is he... What do you say?

Well, if you'd rather not do it, Robin can just book someone from an agency.

Yeah. Which I'm loathe to, if I'm honest. They're very sick, apparently.

Dramatude, it might be. Well, even so, babe, I would still rather my best man

was someone I knew.

Please.

Please.

Please.

Yes, yes, of course. Yeah, of course it will. Yes!

Oh, yes!

He said yes!

Oh.

This calls for a drink, I think.

Champagne? Yes. Yes.

Champagne for Cherry.

I think we might have some champagne.

Rach, we're celebrating, come on. The Cicerone Espresso Machines, are they on

high purchase as well? They are.

I'll have the, I'll have the grandissimo, please.

Why not?

Hiya. Oh, it's like opening a present, isn't it? What's it going to be?

Of course, it is a call, yeah, again.

Sorry, I'm just ordering supplies.

Yeah, of course, the great cafe owner. Yeah.

When do you open? Six weeks. Café, yeah. Well, no, that's something else.

You're looking... You're very crisp these days, Robin, I must say.

Thank you, yeah.

I finally got him doing Zumba.

And he's stopped smoking as well. Yes, I have. I am a changed man, honestly,

thanks to Cherry. I jog, I listen to John Legend. I'm bloody loving it.

Aw, now listen, this is why you should get yourself a nice boy, Amy.

Yep, completely.

You know, I keep on telling you that. There are no nice boys, Granny. Do you

read the news?

Maybe if you wore more make -up.

Never give up, Amy.

Honestly, I never thought I'd make anyone mad enough to marry me until

came along.

Why are you talking to her about getting married?

Don't get married young.

Any of you, please.

You'll only regret it.

We got married young.

No, I know.

And that was great.

And I am glad we did.

Let's have a drink.

Oh, actually, you know what? Not for me, because I've got archery at once, so...

Well, no, the kids have. You just stand their hand in their arrows.

Well, no, actually, I have to get involved sometimes, you know,

skills. Oh, what skills are they?

How to avoid winning a medal at the Olympics?

Oh, that's not nice.

Sight adjustment, muscle control.

And I would have medalled if the Koreans hadn't been so strong in 04. I was the

best archery in Great Britain, Cherry. I've told her.

Yeah, like, five people.

Hey, Amy, stop bullying your dad. 31. Yeah, grab a glass.

Can I have one? No, no, you can't.

So, two are... everyone, to 2020,

to Paul's 45th. Oh, man.

And to Robin and Sherry's wedding.

It's the royal wedding.

And to my new cafe.

And Amy, who's leaving for Manchester. We've got so much to celebrate.

Celebrate. No, no, celebrate you going to university. You're not celebrating

leaving home.

Well, I am.

My new hip.

And Sam.

Sam, fine.

Thanks. And to our dream holiday, finally.

Yes.

Oh, it's all coming together.

I mean, is no -one else worried about this virus from China?

That sounds clickbait, dipshit. Yeah, Sam. When you've been around as long as

have, you realise these things are always a false alarm. I haven't even got

on my phone, so I can't get it anyway.

Yeah. So, Sam, don't be such a doomster.

Boris says it's going to be a fantastic year for Britain, and I, for one,

believe him. Yeah.

Here's to that. To 2020! It's for 2020!

The library stops.

This isn't Margate, is it?

Well, because it's a sightseeing, and this is a sight, so we should see it.

Why is this handbrake?

It's a great car.

Don't lock the car.

Love this car.

What is this thing, please?

Recall the Towers.

It's an ancient Roman fortification slash medieval monastery.

Right, yeah.

Guess being at uni right now would be rubbish as well.

What do you mean, as well?

Who needs Laguna Beach, eh?

Amy?

No need for sun cream here.

Yeah, in a bad way. No faff, though, is my point.

You're meant to be swimming.

Oh, you can still swim.

I'm sorry, Walt.

Auntie Jill used to swim in the sea every day of the year, and she was in

terrific shape until recently.

Yeah, yeah, you see, cold water swimming. That's good for depression.

Good for getting depression.

No, for taking it away.

I saw a documentary about it by one of the Van Tilken twins.

Please, can you stop going on about those disgustingly hunky doctor twins,

you? For five minutes.

OK, there's another lockdown. Unbelievable.

What? No!

What? Tears. I thought we were doing tears. No, no, no.

No? Lockdown two starts next Thursday.

See, I said we shouldn't have tried to do a holiday now.

So do we just go home?

No, no, no.

We're not going home.

Let's just press on for as long as we legally can. Forget all... all that, and

enjoy Revolcan... Re... Funkle... Reculver Towers. Reculver Towers.

Come on.

Come on.

We're on holiday.

It's good,

isn't it? I have actually been to Reculver Towers in 1971.

Ah! And I'll be honest, it wasn't worth it.

OK, great, thanks, Mum.

Yeah, well, they might have added stuff since then.

Oh, you're right. Do you reckon? Think there's a roller coaster in there? No,

but they might have added a multimedia, you know, presentation or expanded the

gift shop.

Yeah, nobody buy anything from the gift shop, by the way.

Remember the budget, please.

You mean, remember how you've not made any money for six months? Oh, look, it's

another constructive coming from Amy.

Wow.

I might wait in the car. Me too.

What?

You're not going as well, are you? Come on, we're almost there now.

I mean, she's right.

It's all my fault. No.

What with the plane tickets and the closing of the archery club. No, no, no,

no. This holiday is going to be great for us.

We'll still get to relax, try out the, you know,

gear.

Yeah, look, about that, I...

I really love that you want to experiment with stuff,

but I think I've maybe gone off the idea of using

the gear.

Right.

Right, well, I wish I'd known that before squeezing it into the suitcase.

Leather is extremely difficult to fold, you realise. Yeah, I just don't feel

like I'm up to...

Dominating. You know, I'm happy for us to use the rabbit toy thing.

Did you hear something?

Well, if this is what normal people are getting up to, then I am missing out.

Sam, don't film this. You shouldn't even be watching this.

Come on.

Right, come on, everyone, back in the car.

We need to get to Margate.

Robin?

You all right, Robin?

Yeah, I'm fine, sis.

Why?

Well, you're just smoking in two different ways at once.

I'm a bit down about...

You know.

Being jilted. Of course you are.

Oh, cheer up, Robin.

We're on holiday.

Dad, where'd you pack my drone?

Oh, wow, look at that. That's brilliant.

Dad, Dad,

Dad, Dad! Watch out!

Watch your back!

Look at her.

Any excuse to get her bloody cello out.

Why can't you just clap like everyone else?

Well, here comes Rod.

Climbing his run so he gets people applauding him.

Tragic. This is about supporting the NHS, OK?

Not flagging off the neighbours.

Yeah, the man is an absolute penis, isn't he?

That'll be the toilet roll I ordered on Amazon.

Paul! Yeah, I'm on the phone to the airline.

Perhaps you could get it instead of drooling over the Van Tullican twins. I

not drooling. I'm seeking out urgent medical advice.

I'll go.

$90?

But the ticket was £750 each, mate.

No, I don't know how much that is in dollars, but it's more, isn't it?

Right.

I'm not saying that coronavirus is the airline's phone.

I'm saying that it's not mine.

No, the flexi tickets weren't on the website.

They're not even going to open student bars.

Such a rip -off.

Yeah, you're paying for the course, you do realise, not the books. I'm not

paying nine grand a year to go to university online. I'm not doing it.

We're just defer or something, right?

Granny's here again.

Oh, for fuck. Because we're not allowed, Mum.

Oh, don't you stop. You waste them.

But we're in lockdown.

Political correctness, God, man.

Hang on, Russ.

Your neighbour, Russ.

The overweight diabetic.

Oh, well, there's no need to be rude. Well, you shouldn't be visiting Russ,

Oh, so he keeps saying. Hi, Granny.

Here again, then. Oh, hello, love. Hey, Sue.

Oh, I see.

Amy's friend is allowed over.

Double standards.

Well, I kind of think we're self -isolating together, so I think it's

Yeah, even so, could you sit up, please?

And apart a bit.

Thank you.

Tea, Mum?

Always. Yeah.

Oh, Auntie Jill's got it, by the way. Do you remember Jill?

Well, she's not a real auntie. She's just a chatty friend.

Is she really? Is she OK?

Oh, yeah, she's going to be fine.

Jill's as tough as a tungsten toffee.

So, you're still not doing your bows and arrows thing, Paul?

No, I'm still not allowed.

Sit around the house all day eating fudge.

actually. Oh, don't be like that, darling.

It'll all be over by September.

Yeah.

It's really hit Paul's general mojo not being able to work.

It's the kids that I'm upset for, you know?

I mean, a lot of them they idolise me as an Olympian.

I mean, they do their best to hide it, but it's really obvious.

Well, can you not just pop it online like that Joe Wicks?

I mean, he's having a fantastic pandemic, isn't he? Yeah, the thing

and me, Mum, is that We're very different athletes.

His stuff is, bless him, simple.

Whereas archery at home, it's a logistical nightmare, you know, for most

kids. And it's dangerous for them, for the families,

you know, for pets.

Mum, you should wash your hands. Have you washed your hands? Yes.

Oh, they're not dirty.

Yeah, but Mum, these are the rules.

We only leave the house with a clap.

A clap? Oh, don't tell me that's doing the rounds as well. The clap for the NHS

on Thursdays? Are you not doing that?

What, clapping?

When they've cancelled my hip operation, are you mad?

I'm the only one on my street who's booing. Oh, God.

And what about you, Rachel?

Can you do any of the, I don't know, online coffee or downloadable wraps or

something? Sorry, I don't... Do you mean for delivery or to print out?

There's no need. Honestly, it's fine, Mum.

I mean, we've got savings that I didn't even know we had.

Thanks to Rachel.

I mean, she's like the female Superman.

Superwoman, Wonder Woman.

I mean, she's even promised us a holiday.

What? We're not still going, are we?

Well... Well, not to America, but we have to go somewhere, Sue, even if

unfortunately, Kent.

Oh, and you can afford Kent, can you?

Can you drink that in the garden, please? It's definitely illegal for us

be in here.

Yeah, it is, it is.

We'll get a juggler maybe there.

This path can be a sort of... Oh!

So, I see Robin and Cheryl are here. So it's one rule for one and one rule for

everyone else. It's OK if they're in the garden. Who else is here? It's Dominic

Cummings in the downstairs loo.

You all right, Sue?

Sorry, don't mind us. Just doing a bit of wedding planning.

Oh, yeah.

How's the big day coming along?

Oof.

Churches are closed.

Horses and carriages are closed. I can't get a dress.

Our wedding is yet another victim of... Covid. And the budget's not what it was.

Robin's trying to tackle me. I'm not, babe. I'm just trying to make the thing

affordable. I'm on furlough now, you see.

Oh, furlough. Oh, la -di -da.

Yeah, so we're thinking of doing it here. Well, you are. I'm not. Yeah.

Quite right.

Blitz spirit.

Make, do and mend.

Now, Rachel could do sandwiches and Sam could film it.

Oh, no.

We were at least an adult. But I bet you'd make it look lovely, though,

you, Sam?

Well... I'd make it look psychologically real, yeah.

Fix hidden cameras around the place, like I've done in the house, so it feels

visceral and honest.

That's my aesthetic.

Yeah, you say... I don't want that.

What do we mean, hidden cameras?

Have you... Can you get me all this mad?

OK, so, you know how, um,

since you told us... Which, thank you, by the way, um... Your mother and I are

totally behind you both.

Right. What does that mean? As a... I'm not sure how to describe that. Is it

queer? No.

No.

As a pair of whatever it is. Don't dismiss it. No, I'm not. I just don't

how I'm meant to describe.

Well, why use labels at all?

No, completely. I agree.

Totally. I mean, to an extent.

I mean, you know, without labels, it's very difficult to find things or discuss

them. Words are... There's a reason that humans developed

language. What the hell are you talking about?

Don't tell Granny that you're... Gay?

Yes. Yes.

Gay. Thank you.

Thank you, Maya. Yes.

You know, she's not as modern as I am. You're not modern. And she wouldn't get

it. I am modern, actually.

You know, I was awoke before there was even a word for it. It's woke, not

I've read Michelle Obama's book, for goodness sake.

And I loved it. If Granny can't handle it, it's her problem.

Yeah, no, I totally agree with you. You know, but if... It would still become

our problem.

The thing.

When she's here, if you could just keep, like, a few feet apart.

So, social distancing to protect the elderly?

Sure.

Is that a new application?

A loan, yes.

£5 ,000?

And that can be transferred immediately, can it?

Oh. And how will that look on the bank statement, because it's a joint account?

So, will it say loan pony?

Well, I mean, can you put something else?

I don't know.

Post office savings account, for example.

In fact, I've got my old wedding dress somewhere you could borrow.

Definitely no.

Well, you haven't even seen it. I don't need to.

Wow, well, don't be like that, babe.

I'm not getting married.

In some common or garden, hand -me -down. In some common or garden, garden.

pretty. I'll breathe, Robin.

Not in my dress, you won't. It's very warm.

Warm?

Sorry, frumpy then.

No, not frumpy.

It's demure and nylon. I don't want demure.

Why do you think I've done so many sessions with Huge? I want to look good.

Huge? What's that?

My personal trainer, Hugo.

Luckily, I can still see him because he's dropped his other clients, so we're

basically in the same bubble.

Oh, that's very accommodating of him. Oh, Sue, the man is an absolute hero.

did you buy a bloody drone?

I'll return it, Mum.

Promise.

It may not be a date, though.

Oh, I take that back.

Who is he?

It's, um, huge.

Hugo, um, Terry's personal trainer. Very personal in the end.

Oh, call me old -fashioned, but I think arms like that are too big.

Oh, well, that was Arnando.

Oh. What's that? That was it? It's coming from one of the cases. It's

from your case, Mum. I'll turn it off.

Do not open that.

The batteries are run out. No, what is it? It isn't. It isn't?

Isn't what?

It's my toothbrush.

It's my drill. Exactly, it's your mother's toothbrush.

It's not my... I mean, I don't think it is. I did bring my DeWalt.

I can just get in. Do not open it! Yes!

Sorry. Come on down. No, just leave it. Just leave it there. Your mother's

private property. Thank you.

It's my stuff. Thank you.

I'm going to pull over.

You haven't got an electric toothbrush, have you, Mum? Shut up, Mum.

No, no, no, no, we're not stopping.

No! We have to get to the hotel.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh.

One. Two.

Oh.

Perhaps we should just go home.

Look, I love that you tried to give us all a family holiday.

But Kent was never really going to be California.

Really.

And who knows?

Maybe we'll be able to afford the states next year.

You know?

Yeah. Depending on what's in the old savings.

Yeah, listen, Paul.

In fact, everyone!

Everyone,

listen up.

Yeah, we're all going to get into our swimming stuff. What?

Now, yeah.

Everyone! Yeah,

this is happening.

No, I'm just a little fat. I don't care.

Hey, whoa, Rachel!

Now, I know this hasn't been a classic holiday so far, I'm very aware of that,

but we are turning that around as of now.

What? OK?

So everyone, cheer up!

Woo!

Yes, this year's been shit, but it is not over. And neither are we. We are

We are doing this.

And we are going to have our 2020 family fucking holiday.

And we are going to enjoy it. I'm not sure you can promise that. Well, I'm not

promising. I'm insisting.

Swimsuit's on. Come on, now!

Now!

Don't worry.

Not with my head.

Is it good?

Yeah.

It's quite tight.

Yeah, it's all right.

Come on, hurry up, guys.

Huh? Oh, yeah, Sam wanted to get some underwater footage, so he's attaching a

camera to my head. That's good.

Yeah. Come on. He's got cramp, apparently.

Yeah. Cramp?

Yeah.

Quite bad cramp.

Come on, let's go. Unbelievable.

Let's go!

You'll regret it?

You'll regret it!

Actually, it does look very cold, doesn't it? No, come on, let's do it.

Let's do it for Auntie Jill.

Okay?

Come on.

I'm gonna die!

I'm gonna die!

You

bloody

chickens!

I keep this in the car for emergencies with my gas stove and my Bear Grylls

survival night.

Good old Bear.

So how does it work?

You and Maya?

I mean, I know you're a couple, so... How do you do it?

What do you mean? The long distance thing.

Oh,

yeah.

It's... You know, it's not great.

We figured we should break up while Maya's at uni, but I kind of wish we

I'm sorry, I didn't realise you knew.

Look, I lived on Mykonos for six months in 1968.

I've seen things that would make you physically sick.

OK, not sure how that's relevant.

I know more than you think.

If you two love each other... You can always make it work.

Always.

Oh, God, that feels good. Yeah, you feel a kind of euphoria.

Huh? Did you put the handbrake on?

What? What?

Oh, God!

Oh, no!

I don't want it to come!

Stop it.

That was so cool.

Well, that pretty much sums up the whole year, doesn't it?

That wasn't we at parks, was it?

Yeah, let's go home.

We can have a proper holiday next year.

I hated that car anyway.

Who's up for a really fantastic, really cheap family Christmas?

How are we getting back?

I can't take it.

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