Original subtitles

OH, GOD, BABY, LOOK AT THIS STAIN.

JUST FLIP IT OVER.

OK. OHH! WHAT'S THIS?

OH. THAT'S THE REASON WE FLIPPED IT OVER

IN THE FIRST PLACE.

WHAT ARE YOU DOIN'?

COME ON, WE GOTTA GO OPEN UP THE BAR.

LET'S GO, LET'S MOVE.

WHAT ARE YOU SO EXCITED ABOUT?

IT'S FRIDAY NIGHT. IT'S COMEDY SHOWCASE.

YOU KNOW, ED, I THINK I'M GONNA PASS.

PASS? COME ON, IT'S OPEN MIC NIGHT. COME ON, MAN.

FUN. IT'S FUN, FUN, FUN.

OK, HERE'S THE DEAL, MAN.

I THINK I JUST KINDA GOT BURNED OUT

ON THE WHOLE COMEDY THING LAST WEEK.

NOW HERE'S WHAT I DON'T GET:

IF THE BLACK BOX ALWAYS SURVIVES THE CRASH...

...WHY DON'T THE BUILD THE WHOLE PLANE...

...BUILD THE WHOLE PLANE...

WHY DON'T THEY BUILD THE WHOLE PLANE...

...WHOLE PLANE OUTTA THE STUFF THEY USE...

...TO MAKE THE BLACK BOX?!

WELL, TONIGHT'S GONNA BE DIFFERENT.

I THINK THERE'S A GUY ON THE BILL TONIGHT

WHO I THINK YOU'RE REALLY GONNA LIKE.

THE FREAK THAT TALKS ABOUT THE FIRST GAY ASTRONAUT?

NO. ME.

YOU?

YEAH, ME. I'M FUNNY. YEAH?

LILY, I'M SORRY!

LET'S JUST DROP IT, BRAD.

I STILL DON'T KNOW WHAT I DID! COME ON, WHAT HAPPENED?

IT'S NOT THAT BIG A DEAL.

WE WERE LOOKING AT USED CDs.

OOH, SORRY. HEY, NO PROBLEM.

LILY!

DEAN. HEY.

HOW HAVE YOU BEEN?

I'VE BEEN GREAT. WOW.

TERRIFIC. GOOD.

I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU SINCE, UM...

WE BROKE UP.

RIGHT.

HI.

OH, HEY, BABY. THIS IS MY GIRLFRIEND COLLEEN.

OH. GIRLFRIEND.

YEAH. HI. I'M LILY.

NICE TO MEET YOU. YEAH.

HEY, I FOUND THE MACAR IN FRENCH!

THE ONLY ONE I'M MISSING IS HEBREW.

GOODIE. UM, BRAD, YOU REMEMBER DEAN?

HEY, O'KEEFE.

HELLO, BUDDY. HOW'S IT GOING?

YEAH, IT'S...

WOW. IT'S GREAT TO SEE YOU.

WE SHOULD GET TOGETHER SOMETIME.

HEY, FRIDAY NIGHT!

WHAT?

HELLO?! FONDUE PARTY!

THAT SOUNDS LIKE FUN!

YEAH, IT'D BE GREAT.

I'M SO EXCITED!

I DON'T SEE WHY YOU'RE SO UPSET.

YOU'RE THE ONE WHO SAID, "WE SHOULD GET TOGETHER."

DON'T YOU KNOW ANYTHING, BRAD?

WHEN A PERSON SAYS, "WE SHOULD GET TOGETHER SOMETIME,"

IT MEANS, "WE SHOULD NEVER, EVER GET TOGETHER"!

THEN WHY DON'T YOU SAY THAT?

IT WOULD BE RUDE.

IT WOULD BE ACCURATE.

HEY, IS ASHLEY HERE YET?

WHAT DO YOU CARE?

I JUST WANTED TO KNOW WHAT TIME YOU WANTED ME TO BE HERE.

OH, WELL, MY GUESTS ARE GOING TO ARRIVE AT 7:00,

WE'LL EAT AT 7:30, SO JUST TO BE SAFE, NEVER.

LILY, COME ON.

JIMMY, CHECK IT OUT. MOM'S IN HERE CUTTIN' THE CHEESE!

GUYS, COME ON, GROW UP.

I DIDN'T SAY IT.

COME ON, GUYS. CLEAR OUTTA HERE.

THIS IS AN ADULT PARTY.

I'M AS ADULT AS YOU ARE.

COME ON, "CUTTING THE CHEESE" JOKES.

THAT WASN'T ME!

WASN'T ME, EITHER, GET IT? HA HA!

OUT! BOTH OF YOU! OUT!

COME ON, MY FRIENDS ARE GONNA BE HERE ANY MINUTE.

FINE. I'LL HAVE MY OWN CHEESE PARTY.

OK, NOT THAT HE'S GONE, 7:15?

NO, JIMMY! I DON'T WANT YOU HERE DROOLING OVER ASHLEY.

PLEASE, GO UPSTAIRS WITH HENRY.

I WILL NOT BE SENT UPSTAIRS LIKE SOME LITTLE KID.

IF YOU DON'T WANT ME HERE,

I'LL JUST GO BACK AND SIT IN MY TENT.

BETTER TAKE A SWEATER.

WOULD YOU STOP TELLING ME WHAT TO DO?!

THIS IS NOT A SWEATER.

HEY, BABY.

HEY.

HOW ABOUT SOME LOVIN' BY THE OVEN?

NO, NOT NOW, BRAD.

WHAT'S WITH CHILLY LILY?

WOULD YOU STOP RHYMING AND HELP ME?

THANKS TO YOU, I'M MAKING FONDUE FOR 8 PEOPLE

INSTEAD OF 6.

YOU'RE FREAKIN' OUT BECAUSE DEAN'S COMIN' OVER?

NO. THIS HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH HIM.

OK, OK, I WAS JUST WORRIED BECAUSE YOU KNOW,

HE IS YOUR EX-BOYFRIEND,

AND I COULD SEE HOW THAT WOULD BE AWKWARD.

NO, IT'S FINE. IT'S FINE.

WE BOTH MOVED ON.

HE HAS A NEW GIRLFRIEND.

YEAH, THEY SEEM GREAT TOGETHER.

HOW WOULD YOU KNOW? YOU SAW 'EM FOR, LIKE, 12 SECONDS.

LILY!

I'M SORRY. I JUST WANT THIS TO GO WELL.

HOW 'BOUT A LITTLE SQUEEZE BY THE CHEESE?

BABY, HEY, HAS EDDIE COME BY YET?

HAVEN'T SEEN HIM.

OK, GOOD. YOU GOTTA HELP ME OUT HERE, ALL RIGHT?

WHEN HE COMES BY,

I'M GONNA TELL HIM I CAN'T GO TO THE BAR TONIGHT

BECAUSE OF LILY'S FONDUE PARTY.

SEAN...

OH, PLEASE, BABY, PLEASE.

I WOULD RATHER KILL MYSELF

THAN SIT THROUGH A SET OF EDDIE'S COMEDY AGAIN.

CAKE!

WHY DOES EVERYBODY LOVE CAKE SO MUCH?

IT'S ALWAYS CAKE, YA KNOW?

IF YOU WANT A DESSERT, IT'S GOTTA BE CAKE!

YOU KNOW, THEY START YOU WHEN YOU'RE YOUNG.

THAT'S WHEN THEY GET YOU EATING CUPCAKES!

YOU GETTIN' MARRIED? HAVE A CAKE.

YOU HAVIN' A BIRTHDAY? HAVE A CAKE!

GOD...

JUST LISTEN UP, PEOPLE!

THERE'S A NEW INVENTION IN TOWN!

IT'S CALLED PIE.

GOT IT?

YOU SUCK!

I SUCK? IF I SUCK, WHAT ARE YOU DOIN' HERE?

LEAVIN'. COME ON, BABY. LET'S GO.

THIS GUY'S LEAVIN'.

GET OFF THE STAGE!

WHO SAID THAT? WHO SAID THAT?

BRING THE NEXT GUY UP!

I GOT 7 MORE MINUTES UP HERE...

CAKE LOVER.

BABY, HE KICKED OUT 8 PEOPLE

BEFORE THEY EVEN PAID FOR THEIR DRINKS.

WELL, DID YOU SPEAK WITH HIM? YEAH.

SO, SEAN, WHAT DID YOU THINK OF MY ACT?

WHAT DID YOU-- BE HONEST.

I MEAN, DON'T SUGARCOAT IT.

IT DOESN'T HELP ME IF YOU'RE NOT ABSOLUTELY HONEST.

OK, UH, I MEAN, IT WAS OUT THERE.

YOU WERE ANGRY. YOU WERE REALLY...

YOU GOT REALLY ANGRY, AND...YEAH...

HARD TO RELATE TO, YOU KNOW, IF YOU LIKE CAKE,

AND A LOT OF PEOPLE LIKE CAKE, YOU KNOW, SO...

I DON'T KNOW, YOU KNOW.

YOU MAYBE WANT TO TRY STUFF FROM LIFE EXPERIENCE,

YOU KNOW, LIKE PERSONAL EXPERIENCES PEOPLE CAN RELATE TO.

OH, SO SUDDENLY, YOU'RE AN EXPERT ON THIS WHOLE THING!

I DIDN'T SEE YOU UP THERE STRIPPING YOURSELF NAKED

IN FRONT OF STRANGERS!

WHERE DO YOU GET OFF?!

HONEY, DON'T YOU KNOW WHEN SOMEBODY SAYS, "BE HONEST,"

THEY MEAN, "DON'T BE HONEST AT ALL."

WHAT WAS I SUPPOSED TO DO?

HE SUCKED. HE WAS RUINING BUSINESS.

HE NEEDS CONFIDENCE, ALL RIGHT?

YOU'RE HIS BROTHER YOU COULD PRETEND TO LAUGH AT HIM.

I CAN'T PRETEND TO LAUGH. IT SOUNDS PHONY.

ALL RIGHT, COME ON. TRY ONE ON ME.

WHOO HA HA HA HO HO HO HO HO!

ALL RIGHT, YOU DO ONE.

I JUST DID.

THAT WAS YOUR FAKE LAUGH?

YEAH, PRETTY GOOD, HUH? WELL, DO A REAL ONE, THEN.

WELL, DO SOMETHING FUNNY.

[AS VICTOR NEWMAN] WHAT DO YOU THINK I AM, A TRAINED MONKEY...

AT THE ZOO, DANCES FOR YOUR PLEASURE? HMM?

WOW, THEY'RE SURE HARD TO TELL APART.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Lily: I GOT IT!

DEAN, COLLEEN, COME ON IN.

HEY, MR. FINNERTY!

HEY, MAN, GOOD TO SEE YA.

GOOD TO SEE YOU. HI. HOW ARE YA?

HEY, SEAN, WE'RE GONNA BE LATE FOR COMEDY NIGHT.

TONIGHT? DAMN IT!

I'D LOVE TO GO, IT'S JUST I'M IN THE MIDDLE

OF RECONNECTING WITH DEAN HERE,

SO, DEAN, YOU STILL, UH...

PLAYIN' THE DRUMS?

YEAH.

WOW. THAT'S GREAT.

WHY DON'T YOU GUYS HAVE A SEAT?

COME ON, HEY, LISTEN, I TOOK YOUR ADVICE.

I CHANGED MY ACT.

IT'S LIKE, UH, I TOOK FROM MY PERSONAL LIFE NOW.

IT'S A LOT MORE RELATABLE.

OH, SO YOU'RE NOT GONNA SCREAM AT THE AUDIENCE ANYMORE?

NO, THAT'S UP TO THEM. OK, OK. COME ON.

HEY, DEAN, COLLEEN! HOW YA DOIN'?

THIS FONDUE IS YUMMY.

YEAH, THANKS. WE MADE IT TOGETHER.

JUST ONE OF THE MANY COUPLE-Y THINGS WE DO ALL THE TIME.

YOU MISSED A LITTLE.

OH, THIS IS MESSY.

BRAD?

LET ME GET YOU A NAP--

OH...YUMMY.

IS SOMETHING BURNING?

OH! THE CHOCOLATE.

HEY, LIL. THANKS FOR INVITING US.

YEAH, THANKS FOR COMING.

YEAH...COLLEEN IS JUST REALLY EXCITED TO BE HERE, SO...

GREAT. WELL, SHE SEEMS GREAT.

YEAH, SHE'S JUST, SHE'S FANTASTIC.

THE BELT SHE'S WEARING, SHE MADE THAT.

WOW. WELL, DON'T LET HER GET AWAY.

OHH, I'M NOT GOING TO.

IF SHE TRIES, YOU COULD ALWAYS GRAB HER BY THE BELT.

BUT SHE'S NOT GONNA TRY TO GET AWAY.

SHE EVEN MADE ME THIS WRISTBAND. HMM?

YEAH, I GET IT. SHE MAKES THINGS. MESSAGE RECEIVED.

I'M SORRY, IS IT BOTHERING YOU?

'CAUSE I DIDN'T MEAN TO...

NO. NO...

YES! WHY DID YOU SHOW UP HERE?!

BECAUSE YOU INVITED US.

I WAS BEING POLITE.

OH, I'M SORRY. I THOUGHT YOU WERE JUST TRYING TO MAKE UP

FOR THE WAY YOU BROKE UP WITH ME.

WELL, IT DOESN'T SEEM LIKE IT HAD MUCH OF AN IMPACT ON YOU,

CONSIDERING THAT YOU HOOKED UP

WITH YOUR LITTLE LEATHERY GIRLFRIEND RIGHT AFTERWARD!

DID OUR TIME TOGETHER MEAN NOTHING TO YOU?!

I'M SUCH AN IDIOT.

BRAD...

I THOUGHT I MEANT SOMETHING TO YOU,

BUT I GUESS I WAS WRONG.

I'M JUST THE GUY WHO CLEANS THE CHEESE OFF YOUR FACE!

BRAD, WAIT!

NO!

YOU KNOW, IF YOU WANT,

COLLEEN MAKES THESE REALLY GREAT MOCCASINS.

OH, SHUT UP!

BRAD, PLEASE COME BACK IN THE HOUSE!

NO!

I'M SORRY IF I HURT YOUR FEELINGS.

WELL, OBVIOUSLY, IT'S DEAN'S FEELINGS

THAT REALLY MATTER TO YOU, NOT MINE.

THAT'S NOT TRUE, BRAD.

LOOK, I KNOW THAT IT MAY SEEM LIKE I STILL HAVE FEELINGS--

BRAD, DON'T ZIP ME OUT!

GOD, SHE'S A REAL PIECE OF WORK.

YEAH, TELL ME ABOUT IT.

I JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND HER.

WHY WOULD SHE CARE ABOUT DEAN?

I MEAN, SHE AND I HAVE BEEN HOT AND HEAVY FOR MONTHS,

AND SHE'S DEFINITELY, YOU KNOW, SATISFIED.

HEY, YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT MY SISTER.

OH, SORRY, SLIMJIM.

SHE CAN BE PRETTY HARD TO DEAL WITH.

OH, YOU GOT THAT RIGHT.

I MEAN, TONIGHT, ALL I WANTED WAS A CHANCE TO HANG OUT WITH ASHLEY,

BUT NO, LILY HAD TO GO AND ACT LIKE A FIRST-CLASS--

WHOA, DUDE, LET'S TAKE IT DOWN A NOTCH.

IT'S JUST, YOU KNOW, I MEAN, IF ASHLEY KNEW WHO I REALLY WAS, YOU KNOW,

THAT I'M NOT JUST LILY'S LITTLE BROTHER, THAT I'M A GUY.

YEAH.

IT'S KIND OF COLD IN HERE.

MIND IF I SCOOCH UP UNDER THIS BLANKET WITH YOU?

YEAH, I DO.

LILY, WHY AREN'T YOU OUT AT YOUR PARTY?

WHERE'S BRAD?

HE'S IN JIMMY'S TENT.

AHA. WHAT'D YOU DO TO HIM?

NOTHING. NOTHING.

BRAD'S FREAKIN' OUT 'CAUSE HE THINKS

I STILL HAVE FEELINGS FOR DEAN.

DO YOU?

NO. I MEAN, YES. I MEAN, WHAT IS MY PROBLEM?!

I DIDN'T THINK THAT I HAD FEELINGS FOR HIM,

BUT THEN I SAW HIM WITH THE SKANK...

SKANKS DO THAT.

YEAH.

I DON'T THINK I WANT HIM BACK, I JUST...

NO, YOU JUST WANT HIM TO BE MISERABLE.

YES! YES!

IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK FOR?

HONEY, YOU JUST NEED TO DECIDE WHAT'S MORE IMPORTANT, ALL RIGHT,

MAKING DEAN MISERABLE OR MAKING BRAD HAPPY.

I JUST WISH I COULD DO BOTH.

YEAH. RIGHT NOW, YOU'RE DOING NEITHER.

I KNOW, I KNOW. POOR BRAD.

YOU DON'T THINK HE'D EVER ACTUALLY DUMP ME, DO YOU?

MAYBE. I MEAN, COME ON, THERE'S ONLY SO MUCH ABUSE

A GUY CAN TAKE BEFORE HE WALKS.

EVEN BRAD?

EVEN BRAD.

HEY, BABY.

HEY, YOU'RE BACK EARLY.

HOW WAS EDDIE'S STAND-UP?

WELL, I'LL GIVE HIM THIS MUCH:

HE HAS A NEW ACT.

[LISPING] YOU CALL THAT A SPACESUIT?

PLEASE, I DON'T THINK SO!

HALSTEN, WE HAVE A PROBLEM!

ALL RIGHT, TED GOLD, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.

FUNNY STUFF.

UH, HOW'S EVERYBODY DOING TONIGHT?

Audience: GREAT!

GREAT. GREAT.

SOMETHING GROSS ON THIS MICROPHONE.

HA HA HA HA HA! YEAH!

ANYWAY, I'M EDDIE FINNERTY,

AND, UH, I'M A PRETTY HAPPY GUY.

I--I--I HAVE TO SAY I HAVE NO COMPLAINTS.

I'M LIVING THE DREAM.

YOU KNOW THE DREAM WHERE YOU GET YOUR GIRLFRIEND PREGNANT IN HIGH SCHOOL

AND THEN YOU HAVE 3 KIDS BEFORE YOU'RE 25?

THAT'S THE DREAM I'M TALKING ABOUT.

THAT'S THE DREAM.

SO, UH, I CAN'T COMPLAIN.

I HAVE 2 BOYS, A 16-YEAR-OLD GIRL.

UH, I SHOULD SAY WOMAN BECAUSE HER AND HER BOYFRIEND

ARE CONSTANTLY HAVING SEX IN MY HOUSE.

I'M ALWAYS THE LAST TO KNOW THESE THINGS,

EVEN THOUGH THE SIGNS ARE RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME ALL THE TIME.

THERE'S THE BOYFRIEND-- THIS GUY WALKS AROUND MY HOUSE

WEARING MY BATHROBE, MY FLIP FLOPS, MY CONDOMS.

I'M NOT A SMART MAN.

YOU, UH, YOU FIND THAT AMUSING, DO YOU?

YEAH, A LITTLE.

YEAH, WELL, IT GOT EVEN FUNNIER.

I'VE BEEN MARRIED TO A BEAUTIFUL WOMAN FOR 15 YEARS.

SHE'S...

SHE'S GREAT. SHE HAS AN AMAZING BODY, I MUST SAY.

SHE HAS AN AMAZING BODY.

I WAS MARRIED TO HER FOR 2 YEARS

BEFORE I REALIZED SHE HAD A HEAD,

AND THE OTHER THING ABOUT MY WIFE,

SHE'S IN HER SEXUAL PRIME,

AND, UH, WHICH IS GREAT BECAUSE SHE JUST WANTS TO DO IT ALL THE TIME.

SHE JUST--SHE JUST CAN'T GET ENOUGH.

SHE'S JUST LIKE, DESPERATE FOR IT.

SHE MUST BE, 'CAUSE SHE SLEEPS WITH ME.

YOU SUCK!

OK, BUDDY, TAKE IT EASY. TAKE IT EASY, ALL RIGHT?

YOU'RE TOO TENSE.

THEN AGAIN, IF YOU HAD A WIFE LIKE MINE,

YOU WOULDN'T BE SO TENSE.

THAT'S NOT FUNNY.

YEAH, YEAH, I AGREE WITH YOU.

HE STOLE MY LIFE AND MADE A MOCKERY OF IT.

THAT'S INSULTING. YOU KNEW I HAD A HEAD.

BABY, OF COURSE. THAT'S WHERE ALL THE NOISE COMES FROM.

THAT'S NOT FUNNY.

EDDIE'S LINE, ALL RIGHT?

BRAD?

I HAVE NOTHING TO SAY TO YOU.

OHH!

I WANT TO APOLOGIZE!

I'M NOT STOPPING YOU!

COME ON, BRAD, IT'S FREEZING OUT HERE!

PLEASE?

JIMMY, COULD YOU GIVE US SOME PRIVACY?

CAN I GO TO YOUR PARTY?

NO!

[BRAD LAUGHS]

OK, FINE.

HOW MUCH WORSE COULD IT GET?

EXACTLY.

BRAD, I'M SORRY.

THAT'S IT?

I'M REALLY SORRY.

OH, SO IF YOU JUST ADD "REALLY",

THAT MAKES A WORLD OF DIFFERENCE.

I...I... I KNOW, I KNOW.

YOU THOUGHT I'D SAY "FINE," LIKE I ALWAYS SAY "FINE."

YOU DO SOMETHING HORRIBLE,

YOU SAY "SORRY," I SAY "FINE,"

THEN WE GO BACK TO THE WAY IT'S ALWAYS BEEN.

IT'S NOT ENOUGH THIS TIME.

WHAT CAN I DO?

YOU CAN TREAT ME LIKE I DESERVE TO BE TREATED.

LISTEN, I KNOW I'M NOT THE COOLEST GUY IN THE WORLD,

I KNOW I'M NOT THE SMOOTHEST GUY, OR THE TALLEST GUY,

BUT I WANT YOU TO TREAT ME LIKE I AM ALL THOSE THINGS.

YOU WANT ME TO TREAT YOU LIKE YOU'RE THE TALLEST GUY IN THE WORLD?

LILY, YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.

BUT YOU'RE NOT THE TALLEST GUY.

I MEAN, THAT'S A FACT.

NO, I KNOW, BUT IN YOUR EYES, I WANT TO BE 7 FEET TALL.

FINE.

STILL WOULDN'T BE THE TALLEST GUY IN THE WORLD, THOUGH.

I JUST...I JUST WANT TO BE THE ONE WHO MATTERS THE MOST.

YOU DO, BRAD.

IF I'VE TAKEN YOU FOR GRANTED,

IT'S BECAUSE I'M AN IDIOT.

BUT IT WON'T HAPPEN AGAIN...

BECAUSE I LOVE YOU.

YOU DO?

OF COURSE. WHAT'D YOU THINK?

WELL, I DON'T KNOW. YOU'VE NEVER SAID IT.

SURE, I HAVE.

NO, NO. I'VE SAID IT, AND YOU'VE AGREED.

YOU SAID, "UH-HUH" AND "ALL RIGHT, THEN"

AND "WE'RE GONNA BE LATE!"

BUT YOU NEVER ACTUALLY SAID THE WORDS.

WELL, I HAVE NOW.

ALL RIGHT, THEN.

HEY, ASHLEY. I DIDN'T SEE YOU THERE.

ASHLEY...ASHLEY!

HEY, ASHLEY, I DIDN'T SEE YOU THERE.

HEY, JIMMY, I DIDN'T KNOW YOU WERE HERE.

OH, YEAH, THIS ISN'T REALLY MY SCENE.

I'M HANGIN' OUT IN THE BACKYARD

AWAY FROM ALL THE NOISE,

JUST KIND OF THINKIN' LISTENING TO SOME MUSIC.

OH, CAREFUL, THAT CHEESE IS HOT.

THAT'S OK. I LIKE IT HOT.

ARE YOU CRYING?

NO! [SOBS]

HEY. HOW ARE YOU GUYS DOING?

GOOD.

VERY GOOD.

OH, BRAD, WOULD YOU PUT OUT THE STRAWBERRIES?

I'M GONNA POUR THE CHOCOLATE.

GOT IT.

HEY, NICE SWEATER, MRS. FINNERTY.

I HAVE A HEAD.

HEY, O'KEEFE. HOW WAS YOUR LITTLE CAMPING TRIP?

'CAUSE I WAS IN A TENT. FUNNY, FUNNY, HA HA!

HEY, LOOK, MAN, I JUST WANT TO SAY I'M SORRY FOR EARLIER.

YOU KNOW LILY, SHE JUST--

NO, NO! BELIEVE ME, YOU DON'T NEED TO EXPLAIN.

YEAH, SHE'S GOT SOME ISSUES.

YEAH, THAT SHE DOES.

WELL, YOUR LADY SEEMS TERRIFIC.

YEAH, YEAH, YA KNOW, SHE'S JUST GREAT.

THAT'S COOL.

YEAH...

I CAN'T FREAKIN' STAND HER, MAN.

HEY, BABY.

YEAH, SHE'S DRIVING ME OUT OF MY MIND.

I WAS THIS CLOSE TO GIVING HER THE BOOT THE OTHER DAY.

WHAT, SERIOUSLY?

YEAH, YEAH, THEN WE BUMPED INTO YOU AND LILY

AND I SAW HOW MUCH IT TORQUED HER

SO I SAID, "WHAT THE HELL, YOU KNOW, I'LL HANG ONTO HER A COUPLE MORE DAYS.

WHAT CAN IT HURT?"

WELL, IT DEFINITELY TORQUED HER, ALL RIGHT.

YOU'RE NOT GONNA TELL HER OR ANYTHING?

NO, NO. NAH.

I'VE MADE A LOT OF PROGRESS TONIGHT.

I DON'T WANNA SCREW THAT UP.

YOU BOYS AREN'T TALKING ABOUT ME, ARE YA?

NOT EVERYTHING'S ABOUT YOU, LILY.

SHE'S GOT SUCH AN EGO.

I WAS KIDDING.

AHH!

BUDDY!

PRETTY GOOD SHOW TONIGHT, HUH?

SHOULD HAVE BEEN THERE, CLAUDIA. I KILLED.

MM-HMM.

LET ME ASK YA, ED,

HOW'S THE WIFE?

OHH, WHAT'S SHE MAD ABOUT?

YOU MUST HAVE TOLD IT WRONG.

COME ON, ED, YOUR WHOLE ACT MOCKED US.

WHAT ARE YOU TALKIN' ABOUT?

YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TOLD ME

I SHOULD GET MY MATERIAL FROM LIFE.

YEAH--YEAH, YOUR LIFE.

I DON'T HAVE A LIFE...

AND YOU'RE NOT USING YOURS.

I'M USING MINE!

YOU PROBABLY DON'T CARE.

AFTER ALL, I'M JUST A SET OF BIG, TALKING BOOBS.

HA. THAT'S A GOOD ONE. CAN I USE THAT? NO.

ALL RIGHT, SEAN, YOU DON'T LIKE MY ACT?

TO EACH HIS OWN, BUT YOU GOTTA LOOK AT THE BIG PICTURE HERE.

CLEARED 900 BUCKS TONIGHT.

WHAT?

SO, CAN I KEEP MY STAGE PERSONA?

I DON'T KNOW. CLAUD?

SOMETIMES, HE EATS NACHOS FOR BREAKFAST.

HER MOM'S A TOTAL ALKIE.

DRINKS ALL THE TIME.

THAT'S GOOD. THIS IS GOOD STUFF.

I CAN USE THIS?

SO THE STRIPPER LOOKS DOWN,

AND THERE'S MONOPOLY MONEY

STICKIN' OUT OF THE G-STRING, YA KNOW,

AND SHE LOOKS AT MY BROTHER AND HE'S LIKE,

"WHAT, LADY? WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME? I'M 9."

I'M JUST KIDDING. NO, I'M NOT.

THAT WAS THE LONGEST RELATIONSHIP HE EVER HAD.

HE HAS HOOKED UP WITH CHICKS, THOUGH.

HE HAD A GIRLFRIEND FOR, LIKE, 20 YEARS.

ONE OF THOSE SICK THINGS THAT WOULD NEVER END.

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT.

YOU MIGHT KNOW HER. SHE LIVES IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD.

MARY...JUANA.

PRETTY LOWBROW STUFF, HUH?

HE MET HER WHEN SHE WAS IN THE BROWNIES.

ONCE HE TOOK A URINE TEST AND THERE WERE SEEDS IN IT.

THIS GUY'S A HACK.

OH, WAIT, THERE HE IS.

HEY, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, EDWARD FINNERTY!

GIVE IT UP!