Original subtitles

HEY, LILY.

GOOD MORNING.

IT'S AFTERNOON. WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU?

NOTHING. I'M GREAT.

YOU'RE HUNG OVER.

NO, I'M NOT. NO.

DON'T TRY TO PLAY ME. I'VE SEEN LOTS OF WOMEN WAKE UP WITH HANGOVERS.

PLEASE KEEP IT DOWN, OK?

HEY! WHAT'S UP, SLEEPYHEAD?

WHO WANTS A SMOOTHY?

NO, THANK YOU.

OH, DAMN!

SEAN, I THOUGHT YOU WERE GONNA FIX THE ICEMAKER!

[BANGING LOUDLY]

HONEY, DID YOU HEAR ME? IT'S FROZEN SOLID!

IN THE NAME OF GOD, PLEASE STOP IT NOW!

WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU?

I DON'T KNOW. I THINK I MIGHT HAVE A TOUCH OF THE FLU.

THE BOOZE FLU.

WHAT?!

LILY, WERE YOU DRINKING?

NO. CAN'T I BE SICK WITHOUT BEING HUNGOVER?

HERE.

OH, MY GOD! SHE'S HUNGOVER!

PLEASE DON'T YELL AT ME. IT HURTS.

I THOUGHT YOU SAID YOU WERE STUDYING WITH ALISON.

I WAS, BUT HER SISTER CAME HOME FROM B.U.,

AND SHE HAD SOME FRIENDS OVER AND...

ONE THING LED TO ANOTHER, YOU KNOW?

I HAD A DRINK.

OH, A DRINK. YOU HAD ONE DRINK?

[BANGS LOUDLY]

OK! OK! OK! I HAD, LIKE, 2 DRINKS.

MM-HMM.

[BOTH SCREAM AND BANG LOUDLY]

OK, I HAD LOTS OF DRINKS! LOTS OF DRINKS!

BUT IT WASN'T MY FAULT

BECAUSE IT WAS AN OLDER PEOPLE'S PARTY,

AND THAT'S SUPPOSED TO BE CULTURED AND SOPHISTICATED.

AND THE THING ABOUT SOPHISTICATED DRINKS

IS THAT YOU CAN'T EVEN TASTE THE ALCOHOL.

LILY, I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU.

LILY, WAS I DREAMING,

OR DID YOU COME IN OUR ROOM LAST NIGHT

AND PUKE IN HENRY'S BARREL OF MONKEYS?

OH, THANK GOD.

I THOUGHT THERE WERE MONKEYS IN THE TOILET.

OH, MY GOD! WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU KIDS?

YOU KIDS? I WASN'T EVEN AWAKE

WHEN SHE CAME CRAWLING IN.

YEAH. WELL, LET'S KEEP IT THAT WAY,

SO GO DO SOME CHORES, ALL RIGHT?

I'M WATCHING YOU.

YOU KNOW, WE THOUGHT WE COULD TRUST YOU, LIL.

YOU CAN. YOU CAN.

BELIEVE ME, YOU GUYS, I HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO DESIRE

TO FEEL THIS WAY EVER AGAIN.

OH.

WELL, AS LONG AS YOU UNDERSTAND THAT,

I GUESS WE CAN JUST FORGET ABOUT THIS WHOLE THING.

THAT WOULD BE SO GREAT.

WELL, WE'RE NOT GONNA FORGET ABOUT IT!

YOU KNOW, THIS IS A SPECIAL DAY, ED.

YOU KNOW, THE FIRST TIME A YOUNG LADY COMES HOME RIP ROARING DRUNK.

WE SHOULD REALLY SAVE THIS MOMENT FOR POSTERITY.

GET MY VIDEO CAMERA.

IT'S AT MY HOUSE.

WHY? WHY'S IT AT YOUR HOUSE?

HEY, YOU DON'T NEED

THE ACTUAL VIDEO CAMERA, SEAN.

YOU JUST MADE A REALLY POWERFUL POINT.

GUYS, TALK ABOUT THAT LATER.

LILY, GO BACK TO BED, ALL RIGHT?

I'LL BRING YOU SOME ASPIRIN.

OH, THANK YOU, MOMMY. I'M SORRY--

OH, WHOA. YECH. YOU CAN GET ME LATER.

WHY IS LILY ALLOWED TO PARK HER CAR ON THE PORCH?

HOW THE HELL DID THIS HAPPEN?

UH, WELL, IT WAS DARK, AND--

YOU WERE DRUNK!

IT'S NOT THAT BAD.

OH, NO. NO.

I ALWAYS WANTED TO MAKE THIS A CAR PARK.

GET INSIDE!

OK, I DON'T BELIEVE THAT I DID THAT,

AND FRANKLY, I'M A LITTLE INSULTED

THAT YOU'RE JUMPING TO CONCLUSIONS.

MAYBE IT WAS A TORNADO, THEN.

LILY, WHY DON'T YOU TELL US WHAT YOU REMEMBER.

OK, FINE. I'LL TELL YOU EXACTLY WHAT HAPPENED.

WELL, THAT CERTAINLY IS AN INTERESTING STORY, YEAH.

BUT YOU SEEM TO HAVE LEFT OUT THE PART

ABOUT HOW YOU ACTUALLY GOT HOME.

I CAN'T BELIEVE I DID THAT.

YOU KNOW, YOU COULD HAVE BEEN KILLED.

OR YOU COULD'VE KILLED SOMEBODY ELSE.

I KNOW.

I KNOW, AND I SWEAR ON MY LIFE

THAT I WILL NEVER DO THAT AGAIN.

OH, I'LL MAKE DAMN SURE OF IT. GIVE ME YOUR KEYS.

UH-HUH. GIVE ME THE KEYS.

HOW LONG BEFORE I GET THESE BACK?

WELL, UNTIL I'M CONFIDENT

THAT YOU'LL NEVER DO THAT AGAIN,

WHICH, RIGHT NOW, I THINK WOULD BE NEVER.

OK?

YOU KNOW, AS A MATTER OF FACT, HERE, KEEP THE KEYS.

YES, YOU CAN HAVE THE KEYS. YOU KNOW WHY?

'CAUSE I'M SELLING THE CAR!

WHAT?!

YES, I'M SELLING THE CAR. IN WHICH CASE

I'LL PROBABLY NEED TO GIVE THE KEYS

TO THE GUY WHO BUYS IT, SO GIVE ME BACK THE KEYS.

YOU'RE SELLING THE CAR? MOM!

YOU HEARD YOUR FATHER. BUT DAD--

END OF STORY!

OH, MY GOD.

SO, IS THIS A BLUFF?

I MEAN, HOW FAR ARE WE GONNA TAKE THIS?

HER CAR'S ON THE PORCH.

I KNOW WHERE HER CAR IS, BUT SELLING IT?

DON'T YOU THINK THAT'S A LITTLE BIT DRASTIC?

THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT THIS SITUATION CALLS FOR.

I AGREE, I JUST DON'T WANT US TO BE HYPOCRITES.

YOU KNOW, WHEN WE WERE KIDS, WE DRANK.

YEAH. YEAH.

AND WHEN WE WERE KIDS, WE WERE IDIOTS, REMEMBER?

I HAD A MULLET IN HIGH SCHOOL. I DROVE A CHEVY NOVA.

IT'S JUST, I MEAN, YOU KNOW HOW THESE THINGS WORK.

I JUST DON'T WANT THIS TO BACKFIRE

AND THEN HAVE HER REBEL.

YEAH, WELL, SHE CAN REBEL ON THE BUS.

YOU KNOW, WE COULD SET A BETTER EXAMPLE.

MEANING?

YOU'RE DRINKING BEER, EDDIE'S DRINKING BEER,

THERE'S A BEER ON THE TABLE.

YEAH, THAT'S FROM LAST NIGHT.

I'M JUST SAYING, MAYBE WE'VE CREATED

A CULTURE OF DRINKING.

I THINK THE REAL PROBLEM IS THAT

YOU'VE CREATED A CULTURE OF DRIVING.

YOU'RE ALWAYS DRIVING PLACES.

HEY, DO WE HAVE DRINKS? SURE.

WE HAVE A FEW DRINKS, ALL RIGHT?

BUT WE'RE ADULTS. WE CAN HANDLE IT.

I MEAN, EVERYBODY DRINKS.

YEAH, BUT WE ALSO OWN A BAR.

YEAH, WELL, WE SERVE A LOT OF OTHER THINGS BESIDES ALCOHOL,

LIKE, UM... CORN NUTS.

WOULD YOU LOOK AT THIS?

BEER CAN, BEER CAN, BEER BOTTLE.

OK. LOOK, FIRST OF ALL, IN FAIRNESS,

I HAVEN'T HAD TIME TO TAKE OUT THE RECYCLING, OK?

AND SECONDLY, I AM SURE THAT LAST WEEK,

I--YEAH. AH-HAH!

I HAD A GINGER ALE.

WOW. I'M SORRY. I WAS TOTALLY OUT OF LINE.

SO WE ENJOY A FEW DRINKS? WHAT'S WRONG WITH THAT?

NOT A THING.

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING? WE'RE ADULTS.

WE'RE OVER 21. WE CAN DRINK.

AND LILY CAN'T, AND SHE KNOWS IT.

YOU KNOW, THAT'S THE PROBLEM WITH TEENAGERS.

YOU CAN'T TRUST 'EM.

WHY?! WHY DO YOU HAVE TO BETRAY OUR TRUST?

I WAS PLAYING INTERNET CHESS LAST NIGHT.

YOU ARE HEADING DOWN THE WRONG ROAD, PAL.

I'M NOT GOING DOWN ANY ROAD--

AH-AH! I'M GONNA BE ALL OVER YOU LIKE WHITE ON RICE.

YOU TURN AROUND. "OH, WHO'S THAT, MY SHADOW?

NO, IT'S DAD."

WATCH YOUR STEP, BUDDY.

GOD, I HATE THIS.

DO YOU REALLY THINK WE SET A BAD EXAMPLE WITH ALCOHOL?

NO, WE'RE VERY RESPONSIBLE BAR OWNERS.

WE INSTALLED A BREATHALYZER.

.20.

FREE PITCHER!

[ALL CHEER]

THAT WAS NOT GOOD.

THAT GUY HAD A DESIGNATED DRIVER.

I THINK YOU'RE CONFUSING DESIGNATED WITH AMBULANCE.

WELL, WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO SAY?

YOU SET A BAD EXAMPLE.

NO, THAT'S NOT THE POINT, ED.

THE POINT IS WE NEVER DRIVE DRUNK.

YOU KNOW? AND SHE DID.

AND THAT'S COMPLETELY UNACCEPTABLE.

SOME DAY SHE'S GONNA THANK ME FOR SELLING THAT CAR.

BUT IF SHE DOESN'T, WHO CARES?

I'M JUST TRYING TO KEEP HER ALIVE.

AND THEN WE'LL TAKE THE MONEY FROM SELLING THE CAR,

AND I'LL PUT IT IN HER COLLEGE FUND.

HOW MUCH DO YOU THINK YOU COULD GET FOR IT?

I DON'T KNOW, LIKE 5 GRAND.

I COULD DO BETTER THAN THAT.

OK. SO HOW MUCH YOU THINK I CAN GET FOR IT?

5 GRAND. I SAID I COULD DO BETTER THAN THAT.

OK, HOW MUCH DO YOU THINK YOU COULD GET FOR IT?

I TELL YOU WHAT, I SELL THE CAR,

I KEEP ANYTHING OVER 7 THOU.

OK, FINE. GO FOR IT.

IS THERE STILL INSURANCE WITH THE--

DON'T BURN THE CAR.

OK. I FOUND A BUNCH OF STUFF ONLINE

ABOUT HOW TO TALK TO YOUR KIDS ABOUT ALCOHOL.

THIS ONE HAS REALLY GOOD ADVICE AND TALKING POINTS.

TALKING POINTS?

YEAH, YOU KNOW. WHAT TO SAY.

OH, LIKE WORDS, RIGHT?

SEAN, HERE READ THIS ONE.

THIS IS A CONTRACT YOU MAKE WITH YOUR KID.

WE DON'T NEED A CONTRACT.

COME ON. IT'S ALL ABOUT MAINTAINING AN OPEN DIALOGUE.

BABY, WE HAVE AN OPEN DIALOGUE.

YEAH, WE DO.

"I'M TAKING YOUR KEYS! I'M TAKING YOUR CAR!

END OF STORY!"

THAT'S NOT AN OPEN DIALOGUE, HONEY.

THAT'S AN ANGRY MONOLOGUE.

YEAH, WELL, I'M ANGRY.

SO AM I.

BUT WE HAVE TO CHANNEL OUR ENERGY

INTO SOMETHING PRODUCTIVE.

NOW, HERE'S WHERE SHE PROMISES NEVER TO DRIVE IF SHE'S DRUNK,

OR TO EVER GET IN A CAR WITH A DRUNK DRIVER.

AND THEN THIS IS THE PART WHERE WE PROMISE

THAT IF SHE EVER FINDS HERSELF IN THAT SITUATION,

WE'LL PICK HER UP ANYTIME, ANYWHERE, NO QUESTIONS ASKED.

AT LEAST THIS WAY WE KNOW SHE'S SAFE.

OK. OK, FINE.

LILY! GET YOUR ASS DOWN HERE NOW!

SEAN.

FOR AN OPEN DIALOGUE!

HEY, FINNERTYS.

HEY, BRAD.

OH, LIL. I WAS JUST COMING TO SEE YOU.

ARE YOU, UH, RECOVERED FROM

ALL THAT STUDYING LAST NIGHT?

THEY KNOW, BRAD.

KNOW WHAT?

THEY KNOW I WENT TO THE PARTY.

THEY FOUND MY CAR PARKED PRACTICALLY ON THE PORCH.

OH, YEAH. SORRY ABOUT THAT.

WHAT ARE YOU SORRY FOR?

YOU DON'T REMEMBER?

DO YOU REMEMBER, BRAD?

SEE, MEMORY IS A STRANGE AND FLUID ANIMAL.

WHAT HAPPENED, BRAD?

WELL, IT WAS LATE.

WHOA. LILY.

BRAD! WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

YOU CALLED ME TO COME GET YOU.

I DID?

YEAH, YOU SAID YOU WERE TOO DRUNK TO DRIVE.

HA HA HA! I DON'T REMEMBER THAT.

LILY. THE KEYS.

NO.

KEYS. KEYS.

[GIGGLES]

BRAD, NOW THAT YOU'RE HERE,

YOU CAN TAKE ME HOME.

YEAH, LET'S GO.

OK. OK.

WHERE ARE MY KEYS?

WOW! SO I DIDN'T DO IT. I DIDN'T DRINK AND DRIVE.

I AM SO RESPONSIBLE!

WHOA. WAIT A MINUTE.

YOU DROVE?

YEAH.

AND WERE YOU DRINKING?

MY WHISTLE REMAINED UN-WET, MR. FINNERTY.

WELL, IF YOU WEREN'T DRINKING,

YOU REALLY SUCK AT PARKING.

LOOK, I GOT DISTRACTED.

YEAH, BY WHAT?

AGAIN, WE'RE IN THE REALM

OF OUR STRANGE AND ELUSIVE FRIEND MEMORY.

BRAD!

OK. WE WERE ON OUR WAY HOME...

WHO'S THE SWEETEST BOY I KNOW?

LILY...

THIS IS VERY DANGEROUS.

10 O'CLOCK. 2 O'CLOCK.

10 O'CLOCK. 2 O'CLOCK.

12 O'CLOCK. 1 O'CLOCK.

I DON'T KNOW HOW I'M GONNA THANK YOU

FOR COMING TO GET ME.

OH! OH, BUT I DO.

LILY! AAH!

I, UH, THINK I PARKED A LITTLE CLOSE TO THE HOUSE.

NO ONE WILL NOTICE.

YES! YES! THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU.

THANK YOU, BRAD. I DIDN'T DRINK AND DRIVE.

OH, YES. YES, YOU CAME OFF BEAUTIFULLY.

BUT I GET TO KEEP THE CAR.

SAYS WHO?

I DIDN'T DRINK AND DRIVE.

NO, BUT YOU DRANK A LOT.

AND YOU WERE FOOLING AROUND WITH THE GUY WHO WAS DRIVING,

AND THAT'S JUST AS BAD.

THERE ARE JUST NO MOTHERS AGAINST IT YET.

THERE ARE NOW.

THAT'S A NICE CAR, HUH?

YEAH.

WHAT'S YOUR NAME?

JEFF. JEFF.

CAN I BE HONEST WITH YOU, JEFF?

I'VE BEEN SELLING CARS FOR 10 YEARS.

THIS IS TOO MUCH CAR FOR YOU.

I SEE YOU IN A NICE HATCHBACK.

OH, NO. I'M LOOKING FOR A MUSTANG.

WHOA! EASY TIGER. ALL RIGHT.

YOU REALLY FIGHT FOR WHAT YOU WANT.

15 YEARS IN THE BUSINESS, I KNOW WHEN TO BACK DOWN.

THIS CAR'S SO CHERRY, WE HAD TO ROLL THE ODOMETER FORWARD.

NOBODY WOULD BELIEVE WE WERE SELLING IT FOR SUCH A LOW PRICE.

REALLY? WHAT IS THE PRICE.

WHOA, JEFF! WE JUST MET.

BUY ME A DRINK FIRST.

I'M JUST KIDDING WITH YOU.

LET'S GO TALK TO THE BIG GUY INSIDE.

OK.

YOU WORK OUT?

I DO A YOGA TAPE.

IT'S WORKING.

OH, THANKS. IT SURE IS.

I'M GONNA TRY TO LOWBALL MY BOSS.

I'M GONNA START OUT WITH 10,000 AND SEE HOW HE REACTS.

OH, I CAN'T AFFORD THAT.

WELL, THEN YOU'RE LUCKY

TO HAVE ME ON YOUR SIDE, BECAUSE, YOU KNOW,

THIS GUY MIGHT FLIP OUT

WHEN HE HEARS WHAT I'M OFFERING YOU. SEAN!

HAVE A SEAT. YOU WANT A COFFEE OR ANYTHING?

WHAT'S GOING ON? YELL AT ME.

WHY, WHAT'D YOU DO?

I PROMISED THIS GUY

HE COULD WATCH CLAUDIA TAKE A SHOWER.

WHAT, ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR MIND?

JEFF, I'M FIGHTING FOR YOU.

THERE'S NO FRIGGIN' WAY, MAN!

LET'S TAKE THIS INTO THE KITCHEN.

JEFF, WATER? ANYTHING?

NO, THANK YOU.

WHAT?! WHAT IS THE MATTER WITH YOU?!

CALM DOWN.

I JUST NEEDED TO GET A RISE OUT OF YOU.

I'M TRYING TO JACK UP THE PRICE ON THE CAR.

OH, GOD. YOU SHOULD'VE WARNED ME, ED.

YOU KNOW, THIS ISN'T THE FIRST TIME

YOU AND I HAVE HAD ISSUES ABOUT CLAUDIA IN THE SHOWER.

YOU'RE THE ONE WITH THE ISSUES.

YOU GOT NO BEER.

YEAH, CLAUDIA MADE ME GET RID OF IT.

SHE THOUGHT HAVING ALL THAT ALCOHOL AROUND

WAS, YOU KNOW, SENDING A BAD MESSAGE TO THE KIDS.

SO I GO THIRSTY BECAUSE YOUR KIDS CAN'T HOLD THEIR LIQUOR?

HEY, YOU'LL LIVE.

IF I CAN DO IT, YOU CAN DO IT.

YOU KNOW, CLAUDIA THOUGHT THAT IF WE GOT RID OF THE BOOZE

AND WE SIGNED THIS CONTRACT WITH LILY,

THEN SHE'D SEE HOW SERIOUS ABOUT THIS ISSUE WE WERE.

WHAT DO YOU THINK?

I THINK CLAUDIA'S A SMART AND STRONG WOMAN,

AND I BACK HER ALL THE WAY.

YEAH? HOW'S THAT CONTRACT WORKING OUT?

LIKE CRAP.

I MEAN, LAST NIGHT, I HAD TO GO PICK LILY AND HER FRIENDS UP

AT SOME PARTY.

[ALL SHRIEKING]

IT'S LIKE BY TAKING AWAY HER LICENSE TO DRIVE,

WE GAVE HER SOME KIND OF LICENSE TO DRINK.

WHERE'D THEY GET THE LIQUOR?

YEAH, THAT'S WHAT I WANNA KNOW!

THE PROBLEM IS I CAN'T ASK HER THAT QUESTION.

IT'S LIKE MY HANDS ARE TIED, YOU KNOW?

YOU CAN'T DEAL WITH TEENAGERS,

AND YOU KNOW WHY?

'CAUSE THEY HAVE NO CONCEPT OF ACCOUNTABILITY.

ME?

YEAH, THAT'S RIGHT. YOU, PAL. HUH?

I'M IMMORTAL. I CAN DRINK ALL I WANT.

I'M GONNA LIVE FOREVER. WHEW!

I DIDN'T DRINK ANYTHING!

YEAH! WELL, THAT'S RIGHT.

AND YOU'D BETTER NOT DO ANYTHING, ALL RIGHT?

'CAUSE I'M WATCHING YOU, BUDDY.

HUH? FLY RIGHT. ALL RIGHT?

WELL, LOOK WHAT WE HAVE HERE. BEHIND THE SPINACH.

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

OH. OH, THIS IS RICH.

YEAH, CLAUDIA MAKES ME THROW OUT ALL THE BEER,

BUT SHE KEEPS A NICE LITTLE STASH

OF CHARDONNAY FOR HERSELF.

YOU REALLY THREW OUT ALL THE BEER?

NO, THERE'S A COUPLE IN THE CHEESE DRAWER.

AH, WHATEVER. I GOT A FISH ON THE HOOK OUT THERE.

HE'S BEEN DANGLING LONG ENOUGH.

YOU WANNA HELP ME SEAL THE DEAL?

ALL RIGHT.

SEAN, YOU'RE BEING UNREASONABLE.

WHAT, ARE YOU CRAZY?

THAT CAR'S MY PRIDE AND JOY.

THERE'S NO WAY IN HELL I'M GONNA GIVE IT AWAY.

IT'S A FAIR PRICE!

COME ON, WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

YOU THINK I'M STUPID?

YOU WANT EVERYONE IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD

TO GO, "OH, THERE'S THE STUPID IDIOT

WHO THREW AWAY HIS MUSTANG FOR NO MONEY."

I'M NOT STUPID, ED. I'M NOT STUPID,

DESPITE WHAT EVERYBODY IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD SAYS.

I'M SMART!

AND I'M YOUR OLDER BROTHER!

RELAX, FREDO.

YOU KNOW, THE PUKE SMELL'S NOT THAT BAD

UNLESS YOU TURN THE HEATER ON.

BUT IF YOU HAVE TO,

I'D RECOMMEND THAT YOU OPEN ALL THE WINDOWS FIRST.

BUT DON'T LET THE INSIDE GET WET,

BECAUSE THAT'S WHEN YOU CAN REALLY SMELL THE PEE.

JEFF, WILL YOU EXCUSE US FOR SECOND?

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

WELL, FOR EVERY PERSON I TALK TO ABOUT THE CAR,

LILY PAYS ME A DOLLAR.

YOU KNOW WHAT? I'M GONNA HAVE TO THINK ABOUT IT.

NO. NO. JEFF. JEFF. 20 YEARS IN THIS BUSINESS,

I'VE NEVER SEEN A DEAL THIS GOOD.

ALL RIGHT, LISTEN. HERE'S 10 BUCKS.

DON'T TALK TO ANYONE ABOUT THE CAR.

WHAT CAR?

[WHOOPS]

WHOA. WHAT THE HELL'S GOING ON?

WHAT DO YOU THINK? I WAS DRIVING MISS WASTED.

THANK YOU, MOMMY.

WHAT ARE YOU THINKING? IT IS THE MIDDLE OF THE DAY.

WHERE THE HELL WERE YOU?

AH, NO, NO, NO. NO QUESTIONS.

* IT'S IN THE CONTRACT *

AH, WELL, YOU KNOW WHAT? I'M MAKING A STATEMENT THEN.

TELL ME RIGHT NOW WHERE THE HELL YOU WERE, YOUNG LADY?

[WHOOPS]

JIMMY, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

JUST CHILLIN'.

WHAT'S IN YOUR HAND?

BEER.

YOU KNOW, I'VE BEEN GETTING YELLED AT FOR DRINKING,

SO I FIGURED, WHAT THE HELL?

I MIGHT AS WELL GRAB A BREWSKI, YOU KNOW?

ARE YOU UNDER THE IMPRESSION

THAT I'M NOT GONNA YELL AT YOU NOW?

NO.

I JUST THOUGHT MAYBE IF I HAD A LITTLE BUZZ,

IT'D TAKE THE EDGE OFF.

HEY! GIVE ME THAT.

YOU KNOW, ENOUGH! ENOUGH, CLAUDIA. ENOUGH.

I'M GONNA MARCH RIGHT UP THERE,

I'M GONNA FIND OUT WHERE SHE WAS AND WHO GOT THEM THE BOOZE.

I KNOW IT'S FRUSTRATING.

I'M FRUSTRATED, TOO.

BUT THE WEBSITE SAID IT MIGHT TAKE TIME.

BABY, WE'VE TRIED IT.

NOW, PARENTS HAVE BEEN YELLING AT THEIR CHILDREN

FOR THOUSANDS OF YEARS AND IT'S ALWAYS WORKED.

YOU'RE RIGHT. LET'S GO YELL.

LILY, WE NEED TO TALK TO YOU.

WHAT'S UP, GUYS?

YOUR MOTHER AND I HAVE DECIDED TO BREAK THE CONTRACT.

OK? WE DID IT TO MAKE YOU MORE RESPONSIBLE,

BUT IT'S JUST MADE YOU LESS.

THAT'S NOT FAIR. YOU CAN'T DO THAT.

YES, WE CAN.

WE ARE VERY CONCERNED ABOUT YOUR DRINKING,

AND IF YOU CONTINUE TO--

IS THIS MATH?

WHAT?

YOU'RE DRUNK, AND YOU'RE DOING MATH HOMEWORK?

THAT'S NOT MINE.

THIS IS--THIS IS TRIGONOMETRY.

LET ME SMELL YOUR BREATH.

GET OFF MY CASE.

YOU SMELL LIKE CAPPUCCINO!

I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT!

YOU ARE NOT DRUNK, YOUNG LADY!

THAT IS RIDICULOUS. I HAVE BEEN DRINKING A LOT.

OK, WHERE WERE YOU TONIGHT?

AT A BAR THAT SERVES UNDERAGE KIDS.

OH, YEAH? WHAT BAR IS THAT?

THE BLUE PIRATE BAR.

THERE'S NO SUCH BAR!

OK, FINE! FINE! YOU'RE RIGHT!

I HAVEN'T BEEN DRINKING. AS A MATTER OF FACT,

I HAVEN'T HAD A DRINK SINCE BRAD DROVE ME HOME,

AND I GOT SICK AND STUPID,

AND PEOPLE I DON'T EVEN REMEMBER MEETING

ARE CALLING ME CARPET FACE.

DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW WORRIED WE'VE BEEN?

I KNOW, BUT WHAT WAS I SUPPOSED TO DO?

I NEED A RIDE AND YOU TOOK AWAY MY CAR FOR NO GOOD REASON.

WE HAD A VERY GOOD REASON.

OK, ONE GOOD REASON.

CAN WE GET PAST THAT PLEASE?

YEAH, MAYBE IN A FEW YEARS.

WELL, HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET AROUND?

LILY, WE'RE YOUR PARENTS. OK?

WE'RE NOT YOUR DESIGNATED DRIVERS.

YOU'RE 16 YEARS OLD,

AND JUST WANT YOU TO BE SAFE.

SO IF YOU'RE OUT AND ABOUT AND YOU NEED A RIDE,

GIVE US A CALL AND WE'LL TRY AND BE COOL.

OK?

OK.

OK. ALL RIGHT, ENOUGH OF THIS STUPID CONTRACT.

THAT WAS MY MATH HOMEWORK.

OH.

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

J-DOG! WHAT'S UP, HOMIE?!

HI, BRAD. ARE YOU OK?

I'M DOING AMAZING, MAN.

WHAT'S UP, BRAD?

WELL, MRS. FINNERTY,

I NEED TO GO TO THE OFFICE DEPOT

FROM SOME BLANK DISCS AND A NEW MOUSE PAD,

AND I'M LOADED.

SO?

SO, YOU GOT THE DEAL WHERE IF KIDS ARE DRUNK,

YOU'LL GIVE 'EM A RIDE, RIGHT?

NO. NO. THE DEAL IS IF YOUR OUT SOMEWHERE

AND YOUR DRUNK, WE'LL GIVE YOU A RIDE HOME.

OH.

YEAH, YOU CAN DROP THE ACT. THEY KNOW I WAS FAKING IT.

WHAT? WE WERE SUPPOSED TO FAKE IT?

YES.

YOU MEAN I CHUGGED A WHOLE GLASS OF COOKING SHERRY FOR NOTHING?

OK, I SOLD THE CAR. GREAT.

ALL RIGHT, HOW MUCH DID YOU GET?

8 GRAND.

WOW, I DIDN'T KNOW THAT CAR WAS WORTH 8 GRAND.

I HAD A LITTLE HELP FROM MY CRIPPLED SON.

WHO?

OK, YOU CAN STOP LIMPING NOW.

I KIND OF LIKE IT.

HERE'S YOUR CUT.

THANKS, ED.

YOU KNOW WHAT, LILY?

WE'RE GONNA PUT THIS IN YOUR COLLEGE FUND.

THANK YOU, GUYS.

YOU'RE WELCOME, CARPET FACE.

COME ON, BRAD. I'LL MAKE YOU SOME COFFEE.

CARPET FACE.

SO THE MUSTANG'S GONE, HUH?

YUP. I'M GONNA MISS IT.

HEY, LISTEN, I TOLD YOUR DAD I SOLD IT FOR 8,000.

THE TRUTH IS, I SOLD IT FOR 10,000.

AM I SUPPOSED TO BE HAPPY FOR YOU?

NO, YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE HAPPY FOR YOU.

I'M GONNA TAKE THE EXTRA 2 GRAND,

PLUS MY OWN THOUSAND, AND PUT IT IN A CAR FUND FOR YOU.

OH, MY GOD. I'M GONNA GET ANOTHER CAR?

WHEN YOU'RE 18, IF YOU KEEP YOUR HEAD ON STRAIGHT.

YOU UNDERSTAND?

YES, YES, YES. THANK YOU, UNCLE EDDIE.

ALL RIGHT, GET OUT OF HERE BEFORE I GET EMOTIONAL.

HEY, UNCLE EDDIE, I THOUGHT THAT YOU SOLD THE CAR

FOR $15,000.

LOOK, HERE'S A FIVER. BE A FRIEND.

COOL.