Original subtitles

Brad, what are we going to do tonight?

I don't know.

We could hang out.

Oh, yeah.

Could be cool.

Yeah.

Don't you ever want to do something a little

more, I don't know, exciting?

I don't care what we do, as long as I'm with you.

That's sweet.

Because, you know, whenever I talk to any of my friends

that have boyfriends, they're always, like, worried about

where they're going to go to dinner,

do they have the right thing to wear,

you know, does their hair look OK?

But with you, I don't have any of that pressure.

No, no.

We went right to sleeping together.

Never even went on a date.

Zero to 60, baby.

Yeah, yeah.

I would really like to go on a date!

Well, we could do that.

You know, I know some really romantic places.

You do?

Absolutely.

Saturday night, you and me, a little romance,

night out on the town?

Well, I'd be cool with that.

I've got the perfect idea.

You're going to love it.

Can't wait.

Wait, it's not going to be the planetarium, right?

Please.

Ms. Finnerty--

[crash]

Brad, you OK?

Yeah, happens all the time.

Um, thing is, I already promised Lily

a really romantic date for Saturday night,

and she shot down my ace in the hole.

Oh, planetarium?

Yeah.

Brad, have you ever actually been on a date?

Well, I've been out with groups of people,

and once, two of the people in the group were on a date.

So not exactly a novice, here.

Uh, look.

If you want romantic, then you should

do something that the two of you would enjoy doing together.

You know, something special.

Something-- something couples do.

OK.

Uh, Central Park.

They have those horse and carriage rides.

Horse is low-tech.

That's good, I like it.

And then, if she wants, you know,

the planetarium's right there.

We'll play it by ear. - Brad.

Whatever.

Do not go to the planetarium.

I cannot stress this enough, all right?

There's a little restaurant, this little French place

on the Upper West Side.

It's all--

[crashing]

What was that?

I don't know.

It came from the sewing room.

What are you looking at me for?

Well, honey, you're the one that likes to sew.

Eddie, you OK?

Yeah, why wouldn't I be?

Did I miss something?

Great, he broke the window.

What's going on?

Uncle Eddie broke the sewing room window.

No, he's being accused of breaking

the sewing room window.

It's a witch hunt!

You've got glass on your shoes.

I was just in there reading.

Oh, OK, so what?

So you're sitting here, reading, and your foot, what?

Casually flies up and breaks the window?

You're right, you just proved I didn't break the window.

You broke the window!

Well, I don't know.

Your argument was very convincing.

Just stop it, all right? All right?

You broke it, so you fix it.

You ought to be lucky I don't sue.

For what?

Exposing me to dangerous glass.

One of them bigger pieces catches an artery,

it's lights out for Uncle Eddie.

So, is there a dinner plan, or am I on my own?

[theme music]

Hey, has Lily checked in?

Not yet.

Oh, I hope it's going well.

Brad's been planning this for days.

He's so nervous, it's so cute.

Why's he so nervous? I mean, didn't they already--

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah they did.

I'm just saying--

I know what you're saying.

We all know what you're saying.

I still think they're cute.

God, it is cold in here, isn't it?

Hey, Ed, any idea why it's so nippy in here?

Well, the high pressure system just arrived from Nova Scotia.

Oh, so maybe it's the high pressure

system colliding with a gaping hole in the sewing room window.

Eddie, when are you going to fix that?

Do you want it done fast or do you want it done right?

It's been three days.

I don't think fast is an option.

Uncle Eddie, come on.

What were you doing when you broke the window?

What kind of question is that?

What kind of answer is that?

Obviously, we've reached a stalemate.

Jim, just give it up.

You're not going to get an honest answer out of this guy.

Oh, thank god, I'm home.

Lily, what happened?

Where are your shoes?

Where's Brad?

Oh, god, how could I have been such an idiot?

Whoa, whoa, what happened?

Well, ever since the night Brad and I first--

All right!

We know about that night, OK?

Can we just fast forward?

OK, well, that night was a huge mistake.

I mean, what did I see in him?

How could I have chosen so badly?

Wait, wait, what happened?

What could have been so bad?

Oh, god, where do I begin?

BRAD: You say you want romance.

Does the Bradster deliver, or does the Bradster deliver?

Yeah.

Yeah, this is really nice.

Would you mind if we just took a taxi?

Why?

I just paid Phil and Buttercup to take

us all the way around the park.

And I appreciate that.

It's just that it's kind of smelly back here,

and I'm not really comfortable with the way

Phil's treating Buttercup.

Move it, you old trap machine!

[whip crack]

(WHISPERING) Brad, make him stop!

I don't want to tell Phil how to do his job.

Oh-- oh, god!

What's Buttercup doing now?

Um.

Oh.

Phil, how long does this process usually last?

Ugh, do I have to watch this?

Ugh--

[gulp]

Oh my god.

What?

I-- I-- I swallowed a fly.

[coughing]

Are you OK?

[coughing]

Come on!

[yelling]

Come on!

Come on!

Come on!

Do you got it?

OK, honey, you can't blame Brad for that.

I actually, kind of, suggested the worst thing.

See, baby?

It's not Brad's fault. That's your mom's fault.

Well, as it turned out, that was the best part of the date.

So are we ready for dessert?

No, we're full.

We're full.

Um, I might have a little room left.

We have an amazing chocolate souffle, which

takes 20 minutes to prepare.

Mm, that sounds good.

You don't need that.

What is that supposed to mean?

No dessert, no dessert. Thank you.

Come on.

What kind of person is that?

I mean, he asked me out to dinner,

and then he calls me fat.

I'm sure he wasn't trying to say that you're fat.

Maybe he just doesn't want you to get fat.

Dad!

What?

Brad said it, not me.

[crashing]

What was that?

Oh, god, I think something got into our sewing room.

- Oh, no. - No, no, Henry.

It's going to be OK.

No it's not.

It's going to wreck the pattern I'm working on.

All right, Eddie, something got in our house.

Are you happy?

[crashing]

I don't hear anything.

OK, look, whatever it is, I'm sure it's more scared of us

than we are of it.

[crashing]

OK, OK, where's my baseball bat?

In there.

OK, where's the broom with a long handle?

- Also in there. - Oh, great.

That's a drag.

No, no, a drag for you, pal, because you're going in there

to get whatever that is, out.

Well, I guess nobody cares about my horrible night.

Yeah, Sean, show a little sensitivity.

Your daughter is in an emotional state, here.

So your boyfriend called you fat.

And then what happened?

It just got worse, and worse, and worse.

I've never seen this side of him before.

Oh, nothing like a romantic stroll

through New York City, huh?

Brad, why are we sprinting?

It's good exercise.

Oh, oh, so now I need exercise?

Everybody does!

Stay with me.

Feel the burn.

Are you happy?

I broke my damn heel!

Then take off your shoes.

You're going to carry me?

No, I'll carry your shoes. Now, come on.

Let's pick up the pace.

Let's go, let's go, let's go!

Oh my god, I can't believe that.

Lily said damn.

What?

She said she broke her damn heel.

Yeah, yeah, we heard her, Henry.

How come she gets to say it, but when I say it,

I have to go think about what I've done?

It was a nightmare, Mom.

Is someone going to answer my damn question?

I haven't even told you the worst part.

Brad, my feet are killing me.

Can we stop?

Sure, yes, we're here.

The most romantic place on Earth--

Times Square.

Great.

Can we go home, now?

No, no, we just got here.

Come on.

Drink it all in, the sounds, the smells.

Look at that sign over there.

Just do it?

Oh yeah, that's romantic.

No, no, no, the big one, right over--

you've got to be kidding me.

What is it?

That place over there puts your face on a mug.

I gotta to do that!

You're just gonna leave me here?

There's just room for one face.

I'll be right back, OK?

Brad, my shoes!

Ow!

All I wanted was a little romance, and where do I end up?

Alone, in Times Square, with no shoes.

Aw, honey.

I know you're disappointed, and it probably seems

like the end of the world.

But trust me, it's not.

Thanks, Mom.

You didn't, by any chance, borrow my brown shoes tonight,

did you?

Yeah.

Yeah.

All right, still not the end of the world.

OK, all right, here you go.

What am I supposed to do with that?

Smack it, swat it, brown it!

I don't care, Ed, just get it out of my house.

[crashing]

Oh, wait, maybe big Uncle Eddie's scared.

Uncle Eddie's not scared.

He knows kung fu.

Oh.

Oh, you do, do you?

HENRY: Yeah, he told me.

Yeah, but I only use my kung fu on people.

You know, if you use it on animals,

then you get those PETA freaks.

They come, they throw paint on you.

You know, enough.

Why don't you try telling these guys the truth, for once?

What do you want me to say, Sean?

I want you tell me what the hell

you were doing in there, huh?

Were you stashing something?

How did your foot wind up going through that window?

Look, I'm not following.

It's like you're speaking Greek.

I thought you said you spoke Greek.

[doorbell rings]

Let me get that.

No, you're going to get that.

Lily, where'd you go?

Well, seeing as there was no room for me on the mug,

I went home.

And I suggest you do the same.

Wait, just give me two seconds.

One, two.

BRAD: Two more!

No!

Here's your wild animal, Sean.

Oh man, it's just a cat.

Oh god, get it away.

I can't breathe. I'm getting hives.

I'm allergic to cats!

Oh, no, no, no, no no!

Henry, you're going to be OK.

My eyes are swelling shut!

I can't see!

I need shots!

Honey, you don't need shots.

Eddie, the cat can go.

Hey, Sean, why don't you try telling the truth, for once?

Not the time, Ed.

My throat is closing.

Help me!

Damn!

Listen to me, Henry.

They lie to you.

You're not allergic to cats.

Wh-- what?

Well, it's complicated, Henry.

You're liars!

You're my parents. You lied to me.

Hey, Sean, you're right.

A little honesty, I tried it--

I like it.

[doorbell rings]

BRAD: Lily!

I'm not home.

You're all liars!

How could you lie to me?

You told me lying was wrong.

Or was that a lie, too?

No, Henry, lying is wrong.

Then how come you told me I was allergic to cats,

if I wasn't?

It's complicated, and--

Look, sweetie, the truth is, your dad

and I aren't cat people. - Well, no duh.

If you guys were cat people, dad would have landed on his feet

when he fell off the roof.

No, they mean that they hate cats, OK?

I mean, how did I get the brains and the good hair?

Jimmy, do you have any more BBs?

Hey, what are you doing?

Brad won't get off the lawn.

What, so you're going to shoot him?

No, I don't have any BBs.

Give me the gun.

I'm going to get eggs.

Don't hit the car.

Why didn't you just tell me the truth?

Henry, do you remember what happened when we told you

you couldn't have a goldfish?

No.

Well, you were crying and crying for weeks,

and so when we finally broke down and bought you one,

you ate it.

Yeah, but I'd never eat a cat.

Honey, look, it was just easier

to tell you you were allergic to cats than to tell you we

didn't want a cat.

But the allergy doctor said that I wasn't--

Yes, I know what the doctor said.

According to the tests, Henry is allergic to pollen,

bee stings, and hay.

And cats.

No, we tested for that.

Yeah, I know.

Why don't we just throw cats in there, make it an even four?

Mrs. Finnerty, I'm a doctor.

I can't falsify medical records.

Huh, well, I'm not a doctor.

So what else did you lie to me about?

Not much, really.

Oh, what about when he wanted to go

to sleep-away camp last summer?

That was different.

You mean we weren't at war with Vermont?

Henry, tensions were high.

Henry, sweetie, we're sorry.

Like I'm gonna believe that!

Oh, great.

Having one of them weird kid days, huh?

Hey, just fix the damn window, all right?

Hey, yelling's not going to get it done any faster.

Hey, so come on, Uncle Eddie.

What were you doing in there?

You were hiding something, right?

Jimmy, why should I tell you?

I've got nothing to gain.

Well, all right.

Just tell me this.

Does it have anything to do with what

my mom has in her nightstand?

OK, now I'm interested.

What are we talking about?

I don't know.

You tell me what we're talking about.

You got nothing.

I got something.

Yeah, it is something that will freak you out, man.

You're bluffing.

No, I'm not.

It's sad, Jimmy.

You're not even in the game.

It's a long, black wig.

Huh, that is interesting.

Now, please, tell me what you were doing in there?

Why should I?

You just played your hand.

You've got to think, Jimmy.

Hey, Brad.

Please don't shoot me!

I can explain.

Oh, no.

I'm not the one you have to explain it to, pal.

I'm not your girlfriend.

Well, I'm not his girlfriend, either.

Not after he abandoned me.

What?

You abandoned me.

If anyone's not someone's girlfriend, it should be me.

Where do you keep the cat food?

What?

I'll improvise.

Need me to stick around for this?

No, I can handle it, Dad.

If you need anything, just yell.

Thank you.

- Not you, her! - Henry, come on.

You can't stay mad at us forever.

Yes I can.

I'm getting madder and madder, the more I

think about what you did.

I'm madder now than I was a second

ago, when I started talking.

Are you thinking what I'm thinking?

It looks like there's no way around it, baby.

Henry, you can keep the cat.

Yeah!

What?

I was thinking we'd take him to Chuck E. Cheese.

Seriously?

Oh my god, you are never thinking what I'm thinking.

I was thinking you'd look good as a brunette.

I can't believe I finally got a cat.

I'm going to name him Jimmy.

What?

No, you can't do that.

Yes, I can.

I can name him whatever I want.

Lick your butt, Jimmy.

Dad?

Henry, change the name.

OK.

Lick your butt, Dad.

Lily, you don't understand.

I didn't want a stupid mug, OK?

I wanted to show you--

You know what, Brad?

It's not your fault. I made a big mistake.

When we first got together, it was stupid and impulsive.

No, don't say that!

It was beautiful and wonderful.

It was destiny.

I'm not so sure it was.

Hey, Brad, maybe you'd better leave.

Wait, wait, wait, just please hear me out, OK?

Listen, I had this super romantic date,

planned out to the minute.

But after Lily swallowed the fly,

we had to get out of the carriage and walk.

That threw off my whole schedule.

So then, you know, at the restaurant,

I was trying to make up time, but it was impossible.

That is accompanied buy a beet risotto.

The fish tonight is a Mediterranean

sea bass, called a branzino. - Sounds good.

Two of those. - Brad, please.

Go ahead.

Now, the branzino can be prepared in one of eight ways.

First, the chef can grill it with a little olive oil

and garlic, on a bed of greens.

Mm, what kind of greens?

God sakes, Lily, a green's a green.

Tonight, I believe it's kale.

Kale, I'm sold.

Bye-bye.

He's also serving the branzino in a five-tomato brodade,

with Roma tomatoes, cherry tomatoes,

beefsteak tomatoes, hot house tomatoes, and plum tomatoes.

When the waiter came back, and said

the dessert would take 20 minutes,

I just lost my schnitzel.

Brad, what was the big rush, anyway?

We had to be at Times Square by 10 o'clock.

Why?

Because, well, OK, you know that giant ticker there?

I paid for it to say something.

At exactly 10 o'clock, it was going to say, I love you,

Lily, dash dash, Brad. - It was?

Yes.

I didn't see that.

I know!

Just do it?

Oh yeah, that's romantic.

No, no, no, the big one, right there.

See, right over--

You've got to be kidding me.

What's wrong?

That place over there will put your face on a mug.

I gotta do that!

Brad, my shoes!

I love you Lily, dash dash, Brad.

That's what I paid you to write.

I love you, Lily, dash dash, Brad.

And instead, I'm reading about some volcano in Peru.

Sorry, it's breaking news.

We'll try to run it tomorrow.

There is no tomorrow, OK?

There is a beautiful girl out there,

who's supposed to be on the most romantic date of her life,

and instead, what I've given her is Crapfest '03.

And she deserves better, because let me tell you,

she's the most amazing girl you will ever meet.

And if I blow this tonight, because you refuse to type, I

love you Lily, dash dash, Brad, for all of New York to see,

then, you know what?

You might as well type, love has died today.

Give me two minutes.

Yes!

Lily? Excuse me.

Lily?

Li-- Lily?

Lily?

No!

So it was really there, up in lights, for everybody to see?

Yes.

That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard.

Oh.

You know, we haven't been out on a romantic date in a long time.

Are you thinking what I'm thinking?

We need to go buy a litter box?

We're on the same wavelength.

So, you happy?

I'm happy.

Good.

And you don't think that you and me was a mistake?

Well, if it was, I'm about to make it again.

Come on, Uncle Eddie.

Tell me the truth.

No.

You can trust me.

OK, I can see this isn't going to go away.

I'll tell you what I was doing in there,

but you cannot repeat it, OK?

Totally.

All right.

I was sewing.

What?

Yeah, I've always wanted to learn how to sew,

so I went in there, I sat at the machine,

put my foot on that little pedal thing.

It sprang to life, and I jumped up, and I broke the window.

I'm not proud of it, but that's what happened.

Are you serious?

That's not even interesting, man.

There's nothing weird, or illegal,

or even masculine about it.

I said I wasn't proud.

I can't believe I blew the wig on that

Hey, Henry, for the next week or so,

whenever your cat uses the litter box,

I want you to put it in a plastic bag,

and save it for me, OK?

Why?

Well, when-- when he was in the sewing room,

I think he might have ingested something of value.

That'll be our little secret, OK?

Man, having a cat's great.

OK, the windows fixed, and you're out of Saran wrap.

But you used glass, right?

Yeah, but don't touch it.

[doorbell rings]

I'll get that.

Hi, can I help you?

Yeah, I'm going around door-to-door,

looking for my lost cat.

Oh, we just found a cat.

Henry, I think we might have some bad news about your cat.

But I love it.

what color is your cat?

Orange?

Ha!

My cat's gray.

I still want my 10 bucks.

Orange was a stupid guess.

[theme music]