Original subtitles

HENRY...

WHAT IS THIS?

IT'S MY CASTLE.

WHY DO YOU HAVE A CASTLE MADE OUT OF LIQUOR?

SILENCE, PEASANT.

LOOK...

LOOK, WE'RE GOOD CUSTOMERS.

YOU CAN'T JUST FORCE US TO TAKE LIQUOR WE DON'T WANT.

WE WON'T ACCEPT IT.

WHAT, ARE YOU THREATENING ME NOW?

ARE YOU THREATENING ME?

NO, I JUST WANTED TO CONFIRM THAT YOU WERE THREATENING ME.

DAMN IT!

OK, THAT WOULDN'T HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH THE FACT

THAT WE GOT, LIKE, 20-SOMETHING CASES OF CRÈME DE MENTHE HERE,

WOULD IT?

DON'T START WITH ME, SEAN!

I'M NOT STARTIN' ANYTHING.

YOU'RE RIDING ME. YOU NEED TO BACK OFF.

LOOK, I JUST WANNA KNOW WHY MY HOUSE IS FILLED WITH LIQUOR!

I MADE A DEAL WITH THIS DISTRIBUTOR-- BAROFSKY.

WE GET ALL THE LIQUOR WE WANT AS LONG AS WE DON'T ASK ANY QUESTIONS.

NOW HE'S SENDING US ALL THIS CRAP THAT WE DON'T WANT

AND I CAN'T ASK ANY QUESTIONS.

HEY, WHA-WHA-WHAT'S GOIN' ON HERE?

DON'T START WITH ME.

SO I WAS TALKING TO XANDER AND THESE GUYS IN CHEM,

AND THEY WERE TALKING ABOUT

WHO THEY WERE GONNA TAKE TO ACTION MOUNTAIN NEXT WEEKEND,

AND I WAS TRYING TO GET IN ON IT, AND THEY SAID,

"WHO ARE YOU GONNA TAKE O'KEEFE, YOUR MOM?"

AND THEN THEY LAUGHED AND LAUGHED.

THEN SOMEBODY SAID, "WHY DON'T YOU JUST TAKE YOUR GRANDMA?"

THEY LAUGHED SOME MORE, YOU KNOW.

I JUST WANTED TO SAY, "YOU KNOW WHAT? I'VE GOT A GIRLFRIEND!!"

BRAD, YOU KNOW IT'S NOT TIME TO TELL ANYONE ABOUT US.

I KNOW. I KNOW.

WHY ISN'T IT TIME?

BECAUSE WHAT WE HAVE IS SO SPECIAL,

BECAUSE IT'S JUST BETWEEN US.

I MEAN, WHY WOULD YOU WANNA INVOLVE OTHER PEOPLE? THAT'S WEIRD.

YEAH, BUT A LOT OF PEOPLE TELL PEOPLE ABOUT--

A LOT OF PEOPLE DO A LOT OF THINGS, OK, BRAD?

TELLING PEOPLE WOULD JUST CHEAPEN OUR RELATIONSHIP.

DO YOU WANNA CHEAPEN OUR RELATIONSHIP?

NO. I WANNA BRAG ABOUT IT.

OH.

SOME DAY.

WE'RE GONNA BE LATE FOR THE MOVIE. WE GOTTA GO.

OK, YOU GO AHEAD, AND I'LL SEE YOU AT THE THEATER.

GO ON IN AND GET SEATS, AND I WILL COME IN WHEN IT GETS DARK.

WHY DO YOU ALWAYS COME IN SO LATE?

WELL, I--I-- I HATE THE AUDIENCE- IS-LISTENING THING,

YOU KNOW, IT'S RUMBLY.

NO. IT IS RUMBLY.

THAT--THAT WHOLE * WHOA-AH-AH...

* AH UNH

* EEH!

I'LL SEE YA THERE, ALL RIGHT?

HEY, UM, LILY?

WHAT WAS THAT?

THAT? NOTHING. [CHUCKLING]

HOW MUCH DID YOU SEE?

YOU'RE EMBARRASSED TO BE SEEN WITH BRAD, AREN'T YOU?

NO. I AM GOING TO A MOVIE WITH BRAD,

AND THAT WOULD BE PERFECTLY OBVIOUS

TO ANYONE WITH A FLASHLIGHT.

OK, LILY, COME ON. LET'S TALK.

WHAT?

COME ON.

LOOK, NOBODY AT SCHOOL KNOWS THAT BRAD AND I ARE A THING.

AND WHY NOT?

BECAUSE I HAVEN'T TOLD THEM.

I LIKE BRAD. I REALLY, REALLY DO,

BUT YOU SHOULD SEE HIM AT SCHOOL.

HE'S IN THE SCIENCENAUTS,

AND HE'S PRESIDENT OF THE MATH CLUB.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT SHE WANTS.

I MEAN, I'M POPULAR, RIGHT?

I'M IN THE SCIENCENAUTS. I'M THE PRESIDENT OF THE MATH CLUB.

THOSE ARE ALL GOOD THINGS, YOU KNOW,

BUT THEY KINDA LOOK BETTER ON A RESUMÉ THAN THEY DO ON A BOYFRIEND.

YOU KNOW WHAT? I'M THINKIN' ABOUT RUNNING FOR STUDENT GOVERNMENT.

HE KEEPS TALKING ABOUT RUNNING FOR STUDENT GOVERNMENT...

THE THIRD LEG OF THE DORK TRIFECTA.

BUT, UH, EH-- OBVIOUSLY, HE ADORES YOU.

EH...I KNOW.

HE WROTE A SONG.

* MY LILY

* I WOULD CLIMB ANY MOUNTAIN

* NO MATTER HOW HILLY

* FOR MY LILY

* I WOULD BRAVE ANY WINTER

* EVEN THOUGH IT IS CHILLY *

* MY LOVE RINGS FOR YOU

* LIKE THAT BELL IN OLD PHILLY *

I GOT IT. I GOT IT. I GOT IT. I GOT IT.

YOU FOUND ALL THE "ILY" WORDS, RIGHT?

YEAH. I USED THE INTERNET.

LISTEN, LISTEN.

WHEN YOU GO TO THAT MOVIE THEATER TONIGHT,

AND YOU'RE WAITING FOR LILY,

I WANT YOU TO SAY THIS TO YOURSELF OVER AND OVER:

"I WILL NEVER, EVER SING THAT SONG AGAIN."

BUT--

TRUST ME! TRUST ME!

I KNOW WHAT I'M TALKIN' ABOUT, OK?

NOW, I DON'T SHARE THIS WITH A LOT OF PEOPLE,

BUT WHEN I WAS 15 YEARS OLD,

I USED TO HANG OUT AT THE RADIO SHACK WITH MY BUDDIES,

AND WE'D TALK VULCAN TO EACH OTHER.

COOL.

OK? NOT COOL.

AND I EVEN WROTE A SONG FOR CLAUDIA.

* CLAUDIA, MY FLOWER

AND THANK GOD MY BEST FRIEND

STOPPED ME FROM SINGING IT TO HER,

OR I WOULDN'T BE HERE TODAY, AND NEITHER WOULD LILY.

OK?

THANKS, MR. FINNERTY.

ALL RIGHT.

WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, WHOA! BRAD, BRAD...

THAT'S NOT A SCI-FI MAGAZINE, IS IT?

PFFT! HARDLY, MAN.

IT'S A FANTASY ACTION FIGURE PRICING GUIDE.

GIVE IT HERE! GIVE IT. GIVE IT.

GIVE IT.

YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND NOW, MAN. DON'T LOOK BACK.

THANK YOU, MR. FINNERTY.

OK.

OH, GOD, HE'S A SUBSCRIBER.

MAYBE THIS WON'T BE SO BAD. IT LOOKS GOOD.

YEAH, YEAH.

IT LOOKS LIKE IT'S REALLY HIGH-CLASS:

"FRENCH LADY CRÈME DE MENTHE, MADE IN OHIO."

SOUNDS LIKE THE REAL DEAL.

SURE IS. SAYS IT'S "80 POOF."

SEAN, HONEY, WILL YOU PLEASE TELL JIMMY HE HAS TO GO TO THE BARBER SHOP.

WHY? HE LOOKS COOL.

THANK YOU.

LISTEN TO SISTER HELEN.

SHE SAYS HIS HAIR IS IN VIOLATION OF SCHOOL RULES.

THAT'S NOT RIGHT. I MEAN, AS LONG AS IT'S ABOVE THE SHOULDERS, IT'S FINE, RIGHT?

ACCORDING TO SISTER HELEN,

THE LENGTH ISN'T THE PROBLEM.

IT'S THE, UM,

UH...THE DIAMETER.

NOW, WHO CAN TELL ME WHAT "X" EQUALS? RACHEL?

RACHEL?

I CAN'T SEE THE BOARD.

THAT'S RIDICULOUS.

I KNOW. YOU KNOW, MY HAIR'S MY TRADEMARK. I'M KNOWN FOR IT.

HEY, LIL, YOU LOOK CUTE. ARE YOU GOING OUT TONIGHT?

OH, YEAH, KRISTINA IS HAVING A BIG PARTY, AND EVERYBODY'S GOING,

SO BRAD AND I ARE GOING BOWLING.

POOR BRAD.

ALL RIGHT, DON'T FEEL TOO SORRY FOR HIM, OK?

I'M WORKING WITH HIM ON HIS IMAGE PROBLEM.

FIRST THING YOU GOTTA DO IS YOU GOTTA GET RID OF THE ENTERPRISE.

IT'S NOT THE ENTERPRISE.

IT'S THE STARSHIP OMICRON.

BRAD, WARP FACTOR 6, OK?

AH!

TRY NOT TO LAUGH, OK?

DON'T LAUGH AT THIS. OK.

BOOBIES.

"FEDERAL BIKINI INSPECTOR"? HUH?

"SHIRT HAPPENS"? HUH?

"10 REASONS WHY TRIGONOMETRY IS BETTER THAN WOMEN"?

THEY GOTTA GO.

A LOT OF PEOPLE STOP ME TO READ THAT ONE.

YEAH. WERE ANY OF THOSE PEOPLE WOMEN?

NO.

THAT'S MY POINT.

WHAT'S ALL THE RACKET IN HERE?

ALL RIGHT, ED. LEARN FROM A PRO, OK? OK.

OK. BOOBY.

HEH HEH HEH!

WHAT?

WIENER.

HA HA HA HA!

WHAT IS THIS, BACK ISSUES OF TV GUIDE?

NO. THESE ARE X-FILES COLLECTORS' COVERS, OK?

I HAVE 4 OUT OF THE 5 MULDERS.

BRAD, BE A MAN, ALL RIGHT?

GET RID OF 'EM.

ALL RIGHT.

GET RID OF 'EM. ALL RIGHT.

WOW! A FEDERAL BIKINI INSPECTOR LOST HIS UNIFORM.

I COULD USE THIS.

HENRY, PUT THAT BACK IN THE TRASH CAN!

I'M GONNA SEE SOME BOOBIES.

HA HA--

STOP IT.

BRAD IS A VERY BIG PROJECT.

I'M DOIN' IT FOR LILY.

I'M GETTIN' THE HANG OF THIS.

HERE. HAVE A GRASSHOPPER, OK?

CHEERS.

PLEH!

I'M SCREWED. WE'RE NEVER GONNA SELL ANY OF THIS.

LISTEN, WHEN YOU WORK IN A RESTAURANT,

YOU GET USED TO SELLING WHATEVER YOU HAVE THE MOST OF, ALL RIGHT?

IT'S JUST A MATTER OF SALESMANSHIP.

I DEFY YOU TO SELL THIS.

WELL, I ACCEPT YOUR CHALLENGE.

HAVE YOU TASTED IT?

[HOARSELY] I CAN SELL IT.

HI.

UH, HEY, BRAD, LILY'S IN THE KITCHEN.

OK.

IS SOMETHIN' WRONG?

I TRUSTED SCOTT BIANCO! I'M SUCH AN IDIOT!

WHO'S SCOTT BIANCO?

GOD, HE'S A STUPID JOCK.

HE AND HIS BROTHER NEIL USED TO BEAT ME UP ALL THE TIME IN ELEMENTARY SCHOOL,

AND THEN IN JUNIOR HIGH HE MADE ME TAKE NAKED PICTURES OF MYSELF.

I DON'T KNOW. DON'T ASK WHY.

UM...CAN WE ASK HOW?

MAN, I THOUGHT SCOTT HAD CHANGED HIS WAYS.

BRAD!

OH, HEY, SCOTT.

LONG TIME NO BEAT UP, HUH?

WHAT ARE YOU DOIN' HERE?

OH, ACTUALLY, I WAS TRYIN' TO BUY SOME BEER,

BUT, UH, YOU KNOW, THEY CARDED ME, SO...

HEY, MAN, I'VE GOT A FAKE I.D.

YOU COULD GIVE ME THE MONEY. I COULD BUY THE BEER FOR YA.

REALLY? YOU'D-- YOU'D DO THAT? SURE!

OH, YEAH, MAN. TOTALLY.

COOL.

ALL RIGHT! YES.

OH, FORGOT TO TELL YOU WHAT KIND OF BEER I WANT.

OH, YEAH, YEAH. WHAT KIND?

UM...

WHATEVER LOOKS GOOD.

COOL. OH! TUHH! MAN,

YOU KNOW WHAT? I'M GONNA NEED SOME MORE MONEY.

THEY GOT THAT NEW BEER TAX.

OH, YEAH, TOTALLY. BEER TAX, RIGHT.

I HEARD ABOUT THAT, YEAH.

YEAH. YEAH, ALL RIGHT.

ALL RIGHT.

HEY, YOU WANT ME TO BUY YOU A LOTTERY TICKET? I'M FEELIN' LUCKY.

HEY, THANKS, SCOTT. YEAH, MAN, TOTALLY.

HEY, SO AM I!

IT'S PROBABLY CROWDED.

YOU KNOW, BRAD, YOU ARE WAY TOO YOUNG TO BE BUYING BEER.

NO, I KNOW. THEY TOLD ME THAT.

NO. WHAT SHE MEANS IS THAT YOU'RE WAY TOO YOUNG TO BE BUYING BEER

AND GIVE IT TO OUR 16-YEAR-OLD DAUGHTER

BECAUSE THEN I'D HAVE TO HURT YOU.

OH, YEAH, RIGHT. I FORGOT.

WHAT DID YOU DO TO THIS PUNK?

NOTHIN'.

WELL, GOOD. NO, NO. EDDIE'S RIGHT.

BRAD MAY HAVE MADE A MISTAKE,

BUT THAT DOESN'T GIVE SOME STUPID JOCK THE RIGHT TO RIP HIM OFF.

IT DOESN'T?

NO! COME ON.

BRAD, WHAT HAVE WE BEEN TALKIN' ABOUT, HUH?

THIS IS THE NEW YOU.

YOU ARE NOT A DORK ANYMORE.

COME ON. WE'RE GONNA GO GET YOUR MONEY BACK.

COME ON.

JIMMY, LISTEN TO ME.

YOU DON'T WANNA BE KNOWN AS "THE KID WITH THE HAIR."

BUT IT'S MY TRADEMARK.

OK, YOU'RE IN 8th GRADE. YOU DON'T WANT A TRADEMARK.

THIS IS A VERY DEFINING YEAR FOR YOU.

ANY MISTAKE YOU MAKE NOW COULD DETERMINE YOUR REPUTATION FOR THE NEXT 4 YEARS.

COME ON.

YOU DON'T WANT TO BE LIKE THAT KID

WHO GOT CAUGHT PICKING HIS NOSE THAT ONE TIME.

BOOGER JOHNSON?

YEP.

OR THAT KID IN MY CLASS WHO, ONE DAY-- ONE DAY

WORE A PINK GOLF SHIRT.

ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT PINKY LA FEMME?

HIS NAME WAS WARREN GIBSON.

AT LEAST IT USED TO BE.

UM, OK, THAT--THAT'S HIM, THE GUY IN THE HAT.

ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT, NOW, I WANT YOU TO MARCH RIGHT UP THERE

AND DEMAND YOUR MONEY BACK.

UH, I DON'T KNOW, MAN.

HEY! HEY! HEY! THAT'S THE OLD BRAD TALKIN'.

THIS IS THE NEW BRAD.

NOW, GO DO IT. COME ON.

HEY, SCOTT.

HEY, MAN, I WAS JUST WONDERIN'

IF I COULD GET MY 30 BUCKS BACK?!

NO.

PLEASE?

LOOK, I TRIED TO HOOK YOU UP. IT DIDN'T WORK OUT.

BETTER LUCK NEXT TIME.

YEAH, BUT, I-- I GAVE YOU--

SHUT UP! COOL.

WE'RE DONE HERE.

ALL RIGHT. YEAH.

COOL. IT'S GOOD. I GOT CLOSURE.

LET'S GO-- WHOA!

HEY, THAT'S NOT CLOSURE.

NEW BRAD DID WHAT HE COULD.

HEY, THIS GUY'S A BULLY. IF YOU DON'T TAKE HIM OUT NOW,

HE'S GONNA BE BOTHERIN' YOU YOUR WHOLE LIFE.

THAT'S RIGHT. WATCH.

HEY! HEY, YOU SCOTT?

WHAT IF I AM?

OH, I HATE THIS GUY ALREADY.

LOOK, LOOK, LOOK, YOU TOOK 30 BUCKS FROM OUR BUDDY BRAD,

AND WE WANT IT BACK.

WELL, I'M SORRY, BUT I DON'T HAVE IT.

I SPENT IT ON BEER AND DRANK IT.

OK, WELL, WE'LL TAKE A DIFFERENT 30 BUCKS.

NOW, WHO ARE YOU GUYS, HIS FAIRY GODMOTHERS?

HA HA HA! THAT'S GOOD

'CAUSE IT'S GOT "FAIRY" AND "MOTHER" IN THE SAME SENTENCE.

LOVE IT. YEAH, YEAH.

LISTEN! GIVE US THAT 30 BUCKS!

I TOLD YOU, I DON'T HAVE IT!

HE DOESN'T HAVE CASH,

BUT HE'S GOT HIS MOMMY'S MASTERCARD.

THAT'S ONLY FOR EMERGENCIES.

WELL, THIS IS RAPIDLY TURNING INTO AN EMERGENCY.

THIS IS WHAT YOU'RE GONNA DO, OK?

YOU MADE A PROMISE TO BRAD.

YOU'RE GONNA MAKE GOOD ON THAT PROMISE.

OK, SO YOU'RE GONNA TAKE MOMMY'S CREDIT CARD,

YOU'RE GONNA GO ACROSS THE STREET

AND GET A 6-PACK OF BEER AND A LOTTO TICKET,

AND HE BETTER WIN.

OK, OK.

BITCH!

AH, LOOK AT THAT KID. HE'S GONNA FOUL HIMSELF.

THIS IS WHAT I CALL JUSTICE, BRAD, SWEET JUSTICE.

UH-OH, THE FUZZ.

OH, CRAP.

OH, THIS MIGHT BE TOO MUCH JUSTICE.

MAN, I'M NOT GONNA GET MY BEER NOW.

COME ON.

SO YOU JUST LEFT THE KID THERE IN THE HANDS OF THE COPS?

YEAH. HE HAD A FAKE I.D.

I'M SURE THEY JUST CONFISCATED IT AND CALLED HIS PARENTS.

SCARED HIS ASS STRAIGHT!

YOU GUYS ARE PRETTY PROUD OF YOURSELVES.

HELL, YES. WE WERE LIKE BATMAN AND ROBIN.

I KNOW YOU'RE NOT CALLING ME ROBIN.

OK, FINE. I'LL BE ROBIN.

AS IT SHOULD BE.

SCOTCH AND SODA, PLEASE.

SCOTCH AND SODA.

SCOTCH AND SODA...

SCOTCH AND SODA AND CRÈME DE MENTHE.

WAIT! WAIT! WAIT! WHAT'S THAT?

I DIDN'T ASK FOR THAT.

IT ACTUALLY DOESN'T HAVE THAT MUCH CRÈME DE MENTHE IN IT.

THAT'LL BE 4.50, PLEASE.

IT'S USUALLY 3 BUCKS.

IT USUALLY DOESN'T HAVE CRÈME DE MENTHE IN IT.

FORGET IT.

ALL RIGHT.

LET ME SHOW YOU HOW IT'S DONE.

HI. UH, IS THIS SEAT TAKEN?

NO.

[CLAUDIA GIGGLES

UH...BARTENDER?

OH, YES, UH, WHAT CAN I GET YOU?

YOU KNOW, MY USUAL.

CRÈME DE MENTHE STRAIGHT UP IN A GLASS-BOTTOMED BOAT.

OOH, BOY, THAT'S PRETTY POPULAR THESE DAYS.

YEAH, THE ONLY THING MY GIRLFRIENDS AND I WILL DRINK IS CRÈME DE MENTHE.

I'LL BET YOUR FRIENDS ARE HOT.

MMM...SOME ARE HOTTER THAN I AM,

SOME LESS HOT.

STILL, THE ONLY THING WE DRINK...

CRÈME DE MENTHE WITH EVERYTHING.

OOH HOO HOO! WITH EVERYTHING?

OH, WITH EVERYTHING.

ANYBODY ELSE UP FOR A CDM?

YEAH. DON'T LEAVE US OUT.

AND I'LL BUY HER CDM, TOO, IF I MAY?

OOH...

YOU MAY.

OK, 3 CRÈME BOATS COMIN' RIGHT UP.

EDDIE, GET THE TALL GLASSES OUT.

I'M WAY AHEAD OF YOU, BROTHER.

ALL RIGHT.

ENJOY, ENJOY, ENJOY.

NUN WALKS INTO A BAR...

OK.

THEN WHAT?

SIS-SISTER HELEN?

MR. FINNERTY.

ARE YOU ALLOWED IN HERE?

A BAR? WHY NOT?

WELL, BECAUSE YOU'RE A...

YES, I'M A NUN.

I'LL HAVE A SAMBUCA.

OH! HEY, ABOUT JIMMY'S HAIRSTYLE.

LISTEN, I WENT THROUGH ALL MANUALS AND THE REGULATIONS--

YES, YES. I'M NOT HERE ABOUT JIMMY'S FRO.

LET'S, UH, WALK AND TALK, ALL RIGHT?

[COUGHING]

YOU'VE NEVER HAD CRÈME DE MENTHE?

I THOUGHT I WAS TALKING TO A MAN, NOT A BOY.

I THOUGHT YOU MIGHT LIKE TO KNOW THAT SCOTT BIANCO

WAS SUSPENDED FROM SCHOOL TODAY.

I'M SORRY. S-S-SCOTT WHO?

HE SAYS YOU COERCED HIM INTO BUYING ALCOHOL

FOR WHICH HE WAS ARRESTED, FOR WHICH HE WAS SUSPENDED.

HEY, HEY! THAT KID STOLE BRAD O'KEEFE'S BEER MONEY,

AND I WAS JUST TRYING TO HELP THE MEEK INHERIT THE EARTH,

OR DO YOU HAVE A PROBLEM WITH THAT?

NO, I ENDORSE THAT, BUT THAT IS NOT WHAT YOU HAVE DONE.

YOU HAVE JUST PRESSURED ONE MINOR INTO BUYING ALCOHOL FOR ANOTHER MINOR.

OH, NO, NO, NO. BRAD WASN'T GONNA DRINK THAT BEER.

I WAS GONNA DRINK IT.

OH, SO YOU PRESSURED A MINOR INTO BUYING ALCOHOL FOR YOU?

NO. NO, NO, NO, NO, NO. I DID IT FOR A REASON. I WAS HELPING BRAD.

MR. FINNERTY, DO YOU REALIZE WHAT YOU HAVE DONE?

YOU SEE, THE SCHOOL HAS A ZERO-TOLERANCE POLICY REGARDING ALCOHOL,

SO SCOTT BIANCO HAS BEEN SUSPENDED.

THAT MEANS NO CLASS TRIP TO ALBANY,

NO MAN OF LA MANCHA,

NOT TO MENTION THAT HE'S OFF THE BASKETBALL TEAM FOR THE REST OF THE SEASON.

OH, I'M SORRY TO HEAR IT.

YOU CAN DO SOMETHING ABOUT THAT.

I'M NOT THAT SORRY TO HEAR IT.

WHAT ARE THE RULES OF THIS GAME AGAIN?

EVERY TIME YOU SAY A WORD WITH AN "E" IN IT,

WE ALL HAVE TO DRINK.

THIS GAME MAKES NO SENSE.

HA HA! THAT'S 3.

CAN I FRESHEN YOU UP, SISTER?

GET THAT ANTI-FREEZE AWAY FROM MY SAMBUCA.

SHE'S IN A SNIT, AND I REFUSE TO FEEL BAD ABOUT IT.

DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH BASKETBALL MEANS TO SCOTT BIANCO?

HE COULD GET A SCHOLARSHIP, BUT NOT IF HE CAN'T PLAY,

AND HE CAN'T PLAY UNLESS YOU CALL MONSIGNOR REILLY AND CONFESS WHAT YOU'VE DONE.

I'LL THINK ABOUT IT.

YOU DON'T HAVE TIME TO THINK ABOUT IT.

THE BIG GAME IS TOMORROW.

WELL, ISN'T THAT UN--

OH, HOLD ON A SECOND.

YOU DON'T CARE ABOUT THIS KID.

YOU JUST CARE WHETHER OR NOT YOU WIN THIS BASKETBALL GAME.

WE FINALLY HAVE A CHANCE TO BEAT OUR LADY OF LOURDES THIS YEAR,

AFTER 16 YEARS OF CRUSHING DEFEATS,

AND FATHER RICE WITH HIS CONDESCENDING, "OH, WE'RE ALL WINNERS IN THE LORD'S EYES."

I CAN'T HEAR THAT ONE MORE TIME.

THIS IS UNBELIEVABLE.

YOU KNOW THAT SCOTT SHOOTS BETTER THAN 50% FROM 3-POINT LAND.

WE SUCK WITHOUT HIM.

OK, SAY YOU WIN THE BIG GAME.

WHAT DO I GET OUT OF IT?

MR. FINNERTY, YOU'LL BE DOING THE RIGHT THING, AND, THUS...

ASCEND INTO HEAVEN.

DO I THINK THERE'S ANOTHER WORLD AFTER WE DIE? DO I?

I DO.

I DO.

IF I COULD TAKE ONE THING WITH ME,

WHAT WOULD IT BE?

YOU ARE CATCHIN' ON.

WHAT DO I NEED TO DO TO MAKE THIS LITTLE... SITUATION GO AWAY?

YOU CAN TAKE 20 CASES OF CRÈME DE MENTHE DOWN TO THE CONVENT WITH YOU.

OK, FORGET IT.

I'M LEAVING.

YEAH. I'M SURE THE OUR LADY OF LOURDES HUSKIES WILL THANK YOU.

WELL, I LOOK FORWARD TO HEARING FROM THEM. BYE-BYE.

DAD, YOU'VE GOTTA LET SCOTT BIANCO OFF THE HOOK.

WHAT?

EXCUSE ME?

OK, THIS CAN'T GO ON ANYMORE.

LILY, IT'S JUST A BASKETBALL GAME.

NO. IT'S GOTTEN WAY BIGGER THAN THAT. IT'S AFFECTING ME.

SEE, EVERYBODY'S BLAMING BRAD FOR GETTING SCOTT KICKED OFF THE TEAM.

THAT'S REAL MATURE.

REALLY MATURE.

THAT'S REALLY MATURE, YEAH.

REALLY--

ALL RIGHT, ENOUGH!

OH! REALLY MATURE!

REALLY MATURE!

COME ON. STOP IT!

WHY?

JUST STOP IT.

REALLY MATURE!!

THAT'S REALLY MATURE!

OK, STOP IT! ENOUGH! LEAVE HIM ALONE!

WHY DO YOU CARE SO MUCH ABOUT THAT DORK?

BECAUSE...

BRAD IS MY BOYFRIEND!

OH.

YOU WENT PUBLIC?

YES. SO CAN YOU PLEASE GET SCOTT BACK ON THE TEAM

BEFORE IT'S BASEBALL SEASON?

YES, YES. I'LL DO IT FOR YOU AND YOU, NOT FOR YOU.

AHH.

YOU'RE DOING THE RIGHT THING.

DO I STILL GET TO ASCEND INTO HEAVEN?

AH, WE'LL SEE.

HEY, WHAT'S GOIN' ON?

LILY TOLD EVERYONE AT SCHOOL ABOUT HER AND BRAD.

OH, BABY, I'M SO PROUD OF YOU.

HI, MOM.

EXCUSE ME.

OH!

SISTER HELEN, UH, IT...

[SLURRING] IT'S SUCH A PLEASURE TO SEE YOU. HELLO.

YOUR TONGUE IS GREEN.

MY BREATH SMELLS LIKE CANDY CANES.

YES, WELL, I THINK I'LL BE GOING.

EDWIN, I THINK I'LL TAKE THIS ONE WITH ME IN A TO-GO CUP.

HERE YOU GO.

HOLD IT UPRIGHT.

THANK YOU.

EXCUSE ME.

[CHUCKLING]

THAT WAS CLOSE.

THAT...WAS THE NUN FROM THE SCHOOL.

REALLY? IT WAS? WOW.

HEY, LILY, WOULD YOU DO ME A FAVOR AND WALK YOUR MAMA HOME?

UH-HUH. NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO.

I--I GOTTA MOVE THE MENTHE.

OK, HOW AM I DOIN', ED?

YOU KNOW WHAT? WE SOLD IT ALL, 20 CASES.

I RULE!

HOW'S IT GOIN', JIMMY?

FOR STARTERS, MY NAME'S NOT JIMMY ANYMORE.

THANKS TO YOU,

IT'S JELLY.

I TOLD YOU TO CUT IT, NOT GOO IT DOWN.

I'M DONE.

I'M RUINED!

HEY, HOW'S IT HANGIN', JELLY?

JUST GREAT.

HEY, MOVE OVER, JELLY.

POOR KID.

AT LUNCH TODAY,

PINKY LA FEMME GAVE HIM HORNS.