Original subtitles

- No, I don't think it's conditioning at all,

like I've literally been into girls

since the first time I remember seeing titties.

- Yeah, but how do you know that that came from you?

Are you sure you weren't just conditioned to like them,

because your mom and dad were out there showing you

what the societal norm was?

- No, I just think that my penis pointed

in a specific direction,

and I followed it.

- You're an idiot.

Okay, what's a four letter word for unwritten?

- Oral.

- You're not a complete moron, after all.

- Yeah, respect me, son.

Put some respect on my name.

- How do you not remember this?

Back in the day in like ancient Greece,

wait this controller, the controller's sticking.

They didn't associate sexual relations with binary labels,

bro, I can't,

I can't with this controller - Hey, don't break my shit.

- I'm not.

What was I saying?

- Something with the labels.

- Right, right.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

So Spartan men, Spartan warriors

would like straight up bang each other

before they went into battles.

It was like a bonding thing. - Bullshit.

- Okay, well you're in the same ancient history class as me.

So I don't know if you're not listening or--

- No, I'm too busy getting sloppy blowies

underneath the desk.

- Oh, for sure, for sure, for sure.

'Cause I'm a badass.

- Jackass.

- You want to go again?

- Yes, I want to go again.

No, don't get me wrong,

I obviously understand

why men can be attracted to other men.

I'm not homophobic to the bros, bromophobic.

- Nice one.

- Thank you.

But I'm just saying like I can differentiate between

like seeing a handsome dude

and objectively thinking, oh that guy is good looking

and then conversely seeing a woman

and thinking, I want to get her pregnant on purpose.

- You've always had such a way with words.

- Thank you.

- No, you're the cutest human.

- Not true.

- I've literally never

seen a human-- - Hey, you ready?

- Yeah, okay, all right baby,

we're gonna go get something to eat

but I love you, I love you so much.

- Hey Olivia.

- [Olivia] Hi Jay.

- Hi, I love you more.

I love you more than Alex.

- That's not true.

- Say that you love me more than Alex.

- Don't say it, don't say it.

- [Olivia] I love you.

- That's unbelievable.

- So basically you're saying

we should all be like dogs in the park

just smashing everything that comes around.

- Can I get some of that?

- Hey, what's up, Jim?

- What's up, fellas, party tonight?

- Backgammon.

- Man, no wonder no one likes you in this neighborhood.

- Yo, I just, I find it interesting

that in some cultures it wasn't as stigmatized

as it is today.

Hey, don't drop that.

- [Both] Whoa.

- Like look, I think that society

has had a profound impact

on the way that we think about

and metabolize our sexual instincts.

- Yeah, I don't know, it feels really cut and dry to me.

- Well yeah, that's 'cause you're a puppet.

- Oh word?

- You're a pawn in the system.

Throw it.

- No, this is precious cargo,

you're gonna drop it.

(fizzing)

- Don't waste it, don't waste it, don't waste it.

You play a really unsophisticated game, Jay.

If you keep making those same mistakes,

I'm just gonna keep pouncing on your ass.

It's all right.

You want to go again?

- Let's kiss.

- What's that?

Quit fucking around man.

(laughing)

Kill you.

- What?

You've been going on and on about this all day.

Let's get to the bottom of it.

- You serious?

- Why not?

- A few reasons.

A, I have a girlfriend,

so technically I'd be cheating.

- Don't agree with that.

- B, you're not my man type, sorry.

- Ow, that hurts.

- And C, we've been best friends

since we were like 11 years old

so this is just a weird,

it's a weird thing on all fronts.

I'm not gonna--

- Dude, okay, dude, after you fucked that girl Emily,

you told me that she looked

like a Yugoslavian hit man, those are your words,

I know for a fact that I'm cuter than her

and besides, I've made out

with so many of my friends that are girls,

it's not weird at all.

It's like eating a peanut butter sandwich.

Like I don't love peanut butter but I'll eat it.

And according to you,

this is a similar transaction.

- You seem pretty cavalier

for a guy that's been putting up such a fuss all day.

- No, I haven't been fussing.

I just think it's a simple thing

that I know the answer too

but you made some compelling points

and I'm willing to test your theory.

Plus, I'm schwasted.

- So like now?

- You want me to buy you dinner first or?

All right, let's forget this.

It's stupid. - No, no, no,

no, you know what man, no, you're right,

you're right, you're right.

I'm down if you're down.

- Okay. - Okay.

- All right. - All right, let's go.

- Let's do it.

Let's go.

- We should flip a coin first

and two out of three.

Two out of three, we'll do it.

- If we're not feeling it, let's not force--

- It's not that I'm not feeling it,

it's not that I'm not feeling it, man,

it's just that if I go in for it

and you pull away,

then you will literally never let me live down.

- I'm not gonna pull away.

Let's just go let's go.

- You're dead serious?

- Yes, shit, yes, let's do it.

- Okay. - Okay.

- Tongue or no tongue?

- Dude, you know you're stressing me out,

let's just kiss,

just kiss the way that you kiss.

- My bad, my bad.

Okay, I'm gonna use tongue.

I'm not, I'm not, okay.

- Just get closer.

- Yeah.

(phone buzzing)

Oh shit.

Hey, hey baby.

Why are you calling me about cutting your bangs right now?

No yeah, babe,

her face is just shaped differently than yours.

I don't know what to tell you.

No, I'm not saying

that they wouldn't look good on you,

obviously they would look good on you

but it's just,

oh okay, so baby, I know that this feels

like world changing right now

but is there any way that we can pick this up

like tomorrow or?

Great, yeah, thank you.

No, look, they'll look great,

you'd look great with them.

I want you to do it, okay.

All right, bye baby.

- You want a?

- I think I'm still good.

- Okay, all right.

- You want to go again?

(hip hop music)