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Mum, Dad...

I'm homosexual.

God, how awful, "homosexual." Sounds dreadful.

Mum...

Dad...

I'm queer.

Lousy. No.

More...

Mum...

Dad...

I'm homosexual.

What the fuck's that smile?

No.

Mum...

Dad...

I'm gay.

I'm gay.

I'm...

I'm gay.

Gay! Open-minded, free!

Gay!

[Slap]

Gay. Gay.

[Slap, slap]

That hurt.

[Slap, slap]

[Gasping]

Are you okay?

Sorry, Ste, I didn't mean to wake you.

Another nightmare?

Must be the sleeping drug you gave me last night.

It's a homoeopathic sedative, as good as water.

It knocked me out.

Men are not what they used to be.

- Says who?

It's true, you spend your time spreading yourselves with

creams,

worse than women. - Why are ou looking at me?

Because you get here in the morning

with your cream and you rub it on.

[Radio turns off]

It's time to get up.

- Speaking of getting up... - Ste, no! Stefania!

Stefania!

I'm no killjoy, but you've got nothing

to do with this... thing. Got it?

- No? - No.

It's a... hydraulic reaction.

- A hydraulic reaction. - Yes.

What would you know about it?

- I might just take advantage. - No, Ste...

Even if I were straight,

your breath would've made me switch sides.

Yes, I'm gay.

How many of you are thinking, "Small dog, tall weeds"?

Have you ever had a day that changed your life?

Well, I'll tell you about mine.

It sucks you're leaving today! Aren't you a weeny bit sorry?

I'm devastated. Come on,

Madrid is a two-hour flight away.

I'm leaving you my lucky charm lamp, aren't I?

Anyway, I hate Eduard.

Why doesn't he come here?

For plenty of reasons. For one, I need experience

- Away from your parents. - Also.

I've had an idea. Make your coming out

at the farewell dinner tonight

and the problem is solved.

Eduard moves here and you make your friend

happy.

Not bad.

What if I just shut up this evening?

Then I leave and go far away, minding my own business?

That would work too, wouldn't it?

By the way, are you coming to dinner?

No, but thanks for the invite.

It's the least I could do.

It's a family dinner.

[Alarm beeping]

- It's time. - Shit!

- Less than 3 minutes. - Quick!

You know how punctual he is.

Leave it, you don't know how to.

- Why are you brushing your teeth?

- I don't know!

Ready. Bye.

[Skype call ringing]

Amor, how are you?

Fine and you?

I couldn't feel better. I'll be seeing you soon.

I can't wait either.

Are you wearing the necklace?

Yes, I never take it off.

After dinner I'll load the car and come to

Did you go to the Gay Pride yesterday?

Sure!

Just think, dad came too!

Your father?

Unbelievable. Who would have thought?

You know that when I set my mind on

something...

I'm proud of you. But wait...

You didn't tell your dad about us

just to make me happy, right?

Even so. I couldn't think of a better

reason.

I must go, but first I've got two things to tell

you.

The first one is "te quiero."

Yo también, Edu.

- And the second one... - Yes?

I'm coming to Rome tonight to meet your parents!

I'll be landing in Ciampino at 5.

[Lamp shatters]

Calm down.

Love? Sorry, the connection failed.

- What were we saying? - Nothing.

I want to ask your dad for your hand.

So he can tell me all about his first Gay Pride.

- I'll see you at the airport. - See you. Bye, mi amor.

[Kiss]

Bye, love.

The invitation still stands?

* * *

TELL NO ONE

You can't wait to be the sacrificial lamb!

It would be your great chance of playing the victim again!

And obviously I'd be the insensitive arsehole.

I've never used that word.

It's the same. The thing is,

you can't manipulate people as you do.

Me, manipulate people?

I've never manipulated anybody.

What does manipulate mean? Can you tell me?

Hi, darling. I dropped in to see gran.

Didn't you get divorced to put an end to these

pathetic scenes?

- Shall I fix your breakfast? - No, thanks, Mum.

Is gran awake?

Yes, she got up real early this morning.

She went to buy "Porta Portese".

Not again? Did you brainwash the poor

woman?

What problem is it to you if she looks for a job?

She's 83! Who'll give her a job?

I know, but what is she supposed to

do?

Your son's 20 and has to go to Spain for a

job!

- Gran. - Mattia! Hello, darling.

Found anything?

No, there's a big fuss about youth

unemployment, but it's hard for us too.

No, wait! Take some disinfectant.

There. Rub thoroughly.

Do you know what you're doing?

You're killing at least 3 million bacteria.

- It's a massacre! - A massacre!

I may have found something.

What?

Counter waitress.

Sliced pizza and croquettes. What do you think?

Gran, you know you don't have to work.

I know, dear. But at least once

I'd like to hear, "The job is yours."

Have they finished talking?

That's it, go!

[Front door slams]

I think they have now.

Wait.

Dad...

You see, sonny,

women only need cock and cocky.

Love... and fear.

That's how to treat women.

Trust your father.

I've never missed one.

Not even now, but don't tell mum.

Promise!

Promise!

Good boy.

He had great plans for me.

I almost feel sorry for him.

Yes?

[Window closing]

I'm sorry. I really didn't want to...

Today of all days, Matty.

It's okay. We're used to it.

Aurora, can I help with the dinner?

Speaking about dinner, I'm not sure...

I'm not sure if...

[Doorbell ringing]

I recognise the daintiness.

Please, don't you start too. I'm edgy enough as it is.

I'm sorry Mrs. Iolanda.

Samantha!

Granny's darling!

What's wrong with you?

This monster's puked his breakfast all over me.

You're not a monster...

- Have you had your hair done? - Can you tell?

Yeah.

You can have him. I've got another two the same

at home.

- Another boy on the way! - A girl, Mum!

This one's gotta be a girl or there'll be no stopping

Bernardo.

Is the double-parked car yours?

Not again! You know perfectly well it's

mine.

I'm sorry, but I'll have to give you a ticket this

time.

Got it. What do you need to wash?

Don't you have a wife? No, please don't answer!

And here's the spare uniform.

Wash that first and bring it to the police

station.

- Anything else? - No.

Good. See? I'll do it straight away,

you'll have it by this evening.

"50% of Italians are tax dodgers."

Revolting! What kind of country do we

live in?

Yeah, thank God people like you

provide a good example.

Sorry, it's my phone. Hello?

- Am I disturbing you? - Not at all.

I was talking to the long arm of the law.

I'm in a terrible mess.

What a surprise. What's up?

Eduard is coming to Rome this evening.

Why did you invite him?

I didn't! You know how theatrical

these Spanish can be.

Calm down. I'll find a solution.

I'm busy now, see you later.

Thanks, you're a friend.

- God! - What are you up to?

- Nothing. - Come on, let's go.

Hush, he's sleeping.

Can you lend me something? I can't go to work like this.

Just give me a second, dear.

Be good.

There.

Here you are.

- Cute. What's it made of? - Cashmere.

You're joking. If it's not acrylic,

she'll get covered in spots.

Mattia, I might be pregnant, but I can

still whack you like when we were kids!

- Mum! - No more rows today. Enough!

- Has dad been round by any chance?

- Yes.

Come on, Mum! Bernardo and I had a row this summer too,

but it doesn't mean anything.

I'm sorry.

I wanted to go on a cruise, but we went to the spa again.

To Roccasecca. Honestly!

I want a cruise, he likes spas?

Some ships have spas too.

Why won't he come?

A whole week stuck on a cruise ship with

I really can't understand.

Charming son you have.

I'll have to forget about it.

It's at 8 tonight, isn't it?

Speaking of the dinner, I don't really feel up to

it...

You don't feel up to it? You can't do this to me!

I got rid of the kids, so we'll have the dinner,

period!

Why don't you go to the cinema?

To do what?

Okay. It's the right thing to do.

Let's do it.

Let's do it.

Bernardo says the car's ready, so why don't you go and get

I'll go.

Great Piston!

I've never understood what this nickname means.

Piston.

I'll tell you one day, Mum.

[Radio playing]

BETTER ONE DAY AS A PISTON THAN 100 DAYS AS A SHEEP

Bernardo?

Berna?

Piston?

Was it that hard? Hey big guy!

- Give me a hand? - A hand?

You only answer to your stage name now, like

Who?

Cher, Bernardo, the American singer. Cher!

Forget it. Is the car ready?

- Has Piston ever let you down?

- Never.

Well, come on.

Ta-da! As good as new.

It won't take you to Madrid, but to Barcelona!

Barcelona's before Madrid.

Really?

Whatever. Come.

Nice.

Like the smell?

I want to show you something I've done only for you.

- Ready? - Yes.

Isn't it cool?

Who'll stop you in Spain with this masterstroke?

Maybe I don't deserve that much.

Bollocks! I wanted to bring it

to the dinner tonight, but how could I?

Listen, if you're running late and can't come, I'll

understand.

I'll be there. Relax.

Don't worry!

[Car door shuts]

I'm not worrying.

* * *

Nice shopping!

I'm giving a dinner party. My son's leaving tonight...

How nice. Why is he going there?

I don't know. It's something to do

with energy... the renewable one.

I can't remember... Mrs. Iolanda!

Mrs. Iolanda...

God!

"Experienced masseuse wanted."

Can you hold on? I'll be back in a minute.

No, madam!

[New age music playing]

- Hello. - Hello.

Have you by any chance seen a lady of a certain age,

small...

Where are we?

This is Miwa Natural Day Spa.

Were you looking for Mrs. Iolanda?

Yes.

- She's doing an interview, over there.

- An interview?

And now rub thoroughly.

Have you ever had any similar experiences?

- No, but I'd accept an internship too.

- Right.

- Fill in this form, please. - Thank you.

You're welcome.

I think it's going to take a while.

Would you like to have a look around?

- If I'm not disturbing you. - Please.

Have you ever been to a spa?

Behind this door there's a very special, magic

Like Narnia!

Like Narnia.

Over there, we have the spa suite.

You could go there with your husband.

No... Oh God, the shopping! Forgive me, it's wonderful

but...

There! That's all I needed: Christian Novena.

Have you ever been picked on by somebody at school?

Christian's teased me since nursery school.

A real tormentor, who revealed the worst of himself at high

school.

Especially on the school trip before the final exam.

If you have any questions, ask.

Mattia wants to know the phone number of this Ares.

Here are the room assignments: Zazzara with Maurucci.

And me?

Christian, you're with Mattia.

How lucky! Separate beds.

[Party music, bottle spinning]

My turn?

Truth or dare?

Okay, truth.

Have you ever done it with Christian?

I'd rather die.

It's not what I was told.

Come on, she's answered, let's get on with the game.

Christian.

What? He must have got mixed up.

Well rectify now.

Okay, guys, I'll clarify. Stefania's

never given me her pussy... not yet.

[Bottle spinning]

Tru... Dare.

I'll say this one.

You have to kiss Sandro.

Why me?

Why Sandro?

Rules are rules.

Kiss! Kiss!

[Clapping]

[Cheering, clapping, laughing]

Honestly, I expected the first kiss to be

Thank you, Christian!

[Bottle spinning]

Apologise to Mattia for being such a bastard up to

Okay.

Mattia, I apologise for all the times I've made

fun of you.

And? Go ahead.

After all, I think you're a very special person,

because I find you harder to break

than the others.

I hope you can forgive me.

And now let's drown the fairy.

Let's drown the... No!

Drink it all up!

[Beer spraying]

[Crickets chirping]

[Door opens]

[Fake snoring]

Shit!

[Phone ringing]

Mum!

Yes... No, no stock-cubes in the suitcase, everything

Please, no. Okay, I'll ring you later.

I love... Come on, I'm in Uni. Bye.

Hi, Chris.

How's it going?

[Coughing]

Great.

I work for the undersecretary's

assistant's secretary

for environmental politics at the Ministry of

Environment.

You? Have you started that career

in hairdressing yet?

Funny... No.

Actually I've been hired by a renewable energy company.

- To work on their switchboard?

- No.

I'm in charge of the solar panels

implementation and programming.

In Spain.

[Laughing]

- You're kidding. - No.

This is exactly why I don't like you fags.

You've got your own gay mafia!

- You disgust me! - That's enough.

Don't touch me. Got it? Don't you fucking touch me!

Christian: What the fuck are you staring at?

I'm Mattia Sberla. I need a copy of my degree

certificate.

- Just a moment. - Thank you.

- Hey, faggot! - Stop it!

- Chill out, it's me. - Quiet! You must be quiet.

- I'm in deep shit. - You're not in deep shit.

- Let's recap. Your folks don't know

you're gay? - No.

But you've told your boyfriend that they not only know,

but also give you their blessing.

- Yes.

- And in a few hours your boyfriend

is coming to meet them? - Yes.

- You're in deep shit. - I told you.

Why on earth did you get into all this mess?

- It's all your fault. - What's it got to do with me?

You told me, "Don't say a thing,

all will turn out well."

No, no.

I only said that if I'd shut up,

instead of going hungry, I'd be managing the family

store

and minding my own business secretly.

Maybe my folks would've taken it well.

Maybe.

But my father's last three words

before he disinherited me were,

"You disgust me."

- He never spoke much. - That's hard.

Okay, maybe my dad wouldn't react like that.

Then tell him!

Remember, if a parent doesn't want

to see, he'll look the other way.

You don't even look gay.

- Thank you. - Love, that wasn't flattery.

You might be right. Your folks won't turn a hair.

- And maybe we'll crack open a bottle.

Anyway, we'll soon know, unless a miracle happens.

A miracle?

Love, you don't need a miracle.

You've got me!

Tell your little friend I'll meet him at the airport.

Trust me, he'll never get to your

dinner.

Thanks.

You won't hurt him, will you?

Relax! I remember he's quite cute.

- You might not get him back. - Idiot.

- Thank you, you're a friend. - Yes.

Giacomo!

You were joking, weren't you?

Certainly.

- Bye, babe. - Bye.

At that point, with Christian's unintended

help,

I had realised I preferred... the sea to the mountains.

But I couldn't swim.

Darling!

If you pace up and down any longer,

you'll end up digging a ditch.

How will we get in then? With a drawbridge?

No, I...

I was looking for a toilet.

Come, there's plenty of toilets

Maybe, after all, I could just wet my feet.

[Loud club music]

And now the great moment you were all waiting for!

Wild, haughty, wicked!

The Priscilla of the desert from Tiburtina street:

Alba Paillettes!

[Loud club music]

Hi.

Hi.

I'm Gianni, and you?

If you don't want to tell me your real name, it's okay.

Right, I'm Giorgio.

Giorgio, you're cute. Where do I click "Like"?

First time in a gay club?

Why? Is this... a gay club?

You don't need to keep your voice down here.

I only came for... a nice whiskey.

So...

Where are you from?

Turin.

No way! I lived in Turin 10 years.

Really?

Which area are you in?

- Not far from the stadium. - Which one of the two?

Listen, Gianni,

I came here to look for a toilet

and I think I've found one.

- Thanks, Gianni. - Please...

Hi, I'm Gianni!

Good evening!

Welcome to the Muccassassina!

I'm Alba Paillettes. And here are

Tsunami and Ursula Pricklova.

- Hi girls! - Good evening!

God, there's a lot of you!

I hadn't seen so many fairies since Family Day.

So, so, so. I'd like to talk

about something serious, right?

How to meet other gays nowadays.

You're dead lucky, girls, because

you have plenty of opportunities

to meet other silly chicks.

Rome alone has more gay clubs than

McDonald's.

Really!

And you have the gay chorus, the gay swimmers.

- Let's all go swimming! - Let's go!

I've got a one-piece bathing suit.

Let's cheers to Tsunami and her one-piece bathing

- As for us, being a tiny bit older...

- A tiny bit.

We had very few meeting places.

Actually no. Okay, I'll say it, we had some

but they were called barracks.

You!

Me?

Yes, you. What's your name, little one?

- I've forgotten. - You've forgotten?

What shall we call him? Let's christen him.

- Peter Pan. - A big hand for Peter Pan!

Come, Peter!

Push him!

From behind, of course.

[Crowd clapping, chanting]

Peter! Peter! Peter!

Now, Peter.

Listen, madam...

Madam? I'm a young lady. How old do you think I am?

- I'm 19, boys. - 19 for each leg.

- For each leg. 3 times 19 equals?

- 57.

- You're a maths champ! - I don't know why I said it.

Hope it's centimetres... How old are you?

- 21. - 21? Peter's a little girl.

How long have you been a show girl for?

I'm talking to you. Earth calling.

- Turn the wheel, love! - Buy a vowel, dear!

Are you shy? Are you a cuckold?

Horns are like heels, they make you look thinner.

He reminds me of Tinkerbell rather than Peter Pan.

Don't be shy. How long have you been a show

girl for?

Much less time than you, judging by the wrinkles on

your face.

[Laughing]

Tinkerbell's got nails and knows how to use them!

Watch it, little fairy, the last one

to talk to me like that was beheaded.

Was it Marie Antoinette?

[Audience clapping, cheering]

Okay. I lay down my crown.

Let's give Peter Pan a big hand.

[Audience cheering]

She wants to talk to you.

Come in.

Hi, Giacomo, nice to meet you. You've been great, really.

Welcome to the club.

From that day, I acquired super powers.

I noticed things that were invisible to the

The big difference was that I wasn't

the only super hero around.

There were Superman,

Catwoman,

Thor,

Wonder Woman, Hulk,

Batman and Robin.

All I had left to do was to tell my parents.

As usual, my timing was perfect.

Let's put things straight. I'm not leaving for her.

I'm leaving because I've had enough of you!

Do you know what this means?

"You're the man of the family now."

Stefania was my only way of letting off steam.

I've always wondered why she did it.

She's always been there for the most

important events in my life.

Like this one.

Wow!

- What side do you think he's on?

Look. He's got the gay flag.

It's the peace flag.

He's even got a political conscience.

His eyebrows are too neat, he's gay.

Half the chavs in Rome have their eyebrows tweezed.

I think he's for me.

Hi.

Hi.

Are you okay?

More or less. The chain's come off

and I don't know how to fix it.

Okay. Mattia will fix your chain.

- You're Mattia? - Yes.

Eduard, encantado.

Encantado.

Yes... wait... okay.

It should be ready.

Brilliant. Thanks a lot.

- I'll set off. See you around.

Not much of an effort!

If you think I'll come running to you

when you call, you're dead wrong.

- So? Aren't you coming? - Coming!

* * *

[Glasses clinking]

Are you a little nervous?

This will bring your smile back.

It's beautiful, you shouldn't.

You are beautiful.

I've got something for you too.

- What? - Wait.

I had it on when we met, so...

* * *

That was it. I was in love.

I would have told the whole world,

even the first person I came across.

Mattia!

Dad.

What are you doing here?

Nothing, just passing by.

At 8:30 in the morning?

- Have you come to see mum? - No.

I've come to talk to you.

To me?

Shall we have a walk?

Let's have a walk.

Dad, are you going to tell me?

I was thinking... Because mum and I have

divorced

doesn't mean you and I don't talk anymore, right?

Of course not.

- There's always a first time. - Don't overdo it!

It's true, I've been absent lately,

but only lately.

Remember when you were little?

I took you to the park every Sunday.

Every Sunday!

It wasn't a park, but a rugby field

and you were the coach.

- A park, a field, it's still grass.

- You're right.

Where have you been?

At a friend's house. I slept there.

Really? Who is she? What's her name?

Stefania. Anyway, you don't know her.

Describe her. What's she like?

- What's she like? Average height.

- Average.

- Dark eyes. - Dark.

And her hair's... normal.

Sorry, Mattia...

Why don't you tell me the truth?

Do you think I haven't understood?

Do you think I'm stupid?

Dad?

You mustn't feel ashamed. There's nothing to be ashamed

Relax.

Dad, it's...

I know. To be a virgin at your age

isn't exactly normal,

but leave it to daddy.

We'll break the ice with a professional.

There's nothing to break.

I'm not a virgin, okay?

I've just made love to someone,

and it was the nicest thing that ever happened to me!

- This is my son! - Dad!

I want details.

You want details?

I'll give them to you.

Faggot!

See what these fags have become?

You can't distinguish them anymore.

They used to be dancers, costume designers, that kind

of stuff.

Now they're clerks, workers, football players!

Only rugby still has a moral conscience.

What were we saying?

Nothing.

You never talk!

- Listen, I... - Off you go.

Bye.

Mattia!

And that wasn't the only attempt.

Gay Pride, that unfortunately many still consider as a

farce,

has in fact noble origins.

In 1969, after the death of the actress Judy Garland,

a group of homosexuals gathered

at the Stonewall Inn in New York

to mourn the premature loss of their greatest icon.

Mattia, if you don't tell her now...

Mum...

They're gay, like me.

Yes, darling.

They're gay.

Look at the poor things.

That was the first Gay Pride.

- Sammy. - Yes?

- Can I tell you something personal?

There! It's not as if I'd never

Let's get back to today.

[Phone ringing]

Matty!

I'm almost there.

Did you get your degree? Excited?

I was shaking. I bumped into Christian.

I'd love for someone to punch him

in the face. Catch him by surprise.

I'd prefer to take the highroad.

And if you'd slept with him, we might be good friends now.

Who tells you I never did?

[Car tires screeching]

Dirty bitch!

Let's have a look at you.

You look too calm considering the situation.

What's up?

A guardian angel will save my life.

Giacomo is going to fetch Edu at the airport,

he'll create a diversion and there'll be no problem

A smart idea.

Please tell me it wasn't Priscilla the queen of the

desert's.

Yes, it was his... her idea.

I can't see why the two of you never managed to get along.

Well, where shall I start?

- Arrogant, bigheaded... - Stefania.

- Misogynous, unbearable... - Wait.

[Phone ringing]

Speak of the devil... Hello, Priscilla?

Fuck Priscilla, the car's broken down.

- Are you joking? - No, I'm not.

Giacomo, Stefania'll come to get you.

- Who? That bitch? - Okay, bye.

Thank you. Hey, Ste!

You've saved my life.

Listen, is it worth all this mess?

What do you mean?

You might be letting the whole thing

get out of perspective.

It's not as if you'd killed someone.

I can assure you it would be easier

for my parents to help me hide a corpse,

rather than accept that their only son...

is gay.

You still whisper it.

If I haven't told them, it's not because I'm ashamed.

They just wouldn't understand. They aren't ready yet, period.

Period.

I'm not ashamed of being gay.

Not only do I accept it, but I like it.

I like men.

I like to think I can fall in love with a man

and why not, have a child with him one day.

Now I've broken the ice with the lady,

everything will be much easier.

Madam...

Ste!

Thank you.

I know what it costs you.

We do the craziest things for love.

- Are you ready? - For what?

Since you've set your heart on it,

I'll introduce you to my parents today.

Really?

Couldn't you have told me before?

I would have dressed a bit better.

You look fine, relax.

You'll see...

This shirt is ideal.

Ready?

[Revving engine]

* * *

Look, love. That's my mum.

- Really? - Attractive, isn't she?

- Introduce me to her. - No, love.

She's busy, we can't while she's

shopping, she's an Italian woman.

- You'll meet her later. - Okay.

The one time I ask you to fetch the kids

from school and you're still here!

- Don't scream... - I'll scream as much as I

like!

If I don't fix this bike, we won't eat.

This is a piece of bread for me.

I'd like to see you eat that piece of bread.

- I'll eat it to prove my love.

- You're always joking!

Hello, here's my CV. Wait.

The other one too, rub them thoroughly.

Nice to meet you.

* * *

That's it.

What? I don't understand.

You haven't introduced me to your family,

you've showed it to me.

- It's the same, isn't it? - No. It's not.

[Rugby players shouting]

Who the fuck is this?

Giovanni, continue, please.

Hey, young man, where do you think you're

Can't you see it's a rugby field?

Did you steal this shirt from the locker room?

First, don't say "steal". Watch your language.

Who are you? Where did you spring from?

What's up, Dad?

- Mattia. - Mattia, what's up?

- You know this thief? - Thief again!

- Are you crazy? - How dare you? Who is he?

I have no idea.

Give me this shirt.

Amazing! Unbelievable!

You can go now. I never want to see you again!

Don't worry. You have my word.

Unbelievable. Where's he from? Is he an immigrant?

What are you doing here?

I've come to see you.

Thank you.

I'll go back to the boys, we'll meet later.

Thank you.

Edu!

Wait!

Edu! Wait!

Edu, forgive me, please! I don't know what came over

Okay, I'm sorry.

You aren't ready.

- You're ashamed. - I'm not ashamed of you.

It's worse, because you're ashamed of

yourself.

It's a pity, because you're a lovely boy,

but you still don't know.

[Crying]

Here. See if there's any space for

As if they had no toilet paper in Spain.

They do, but if you squash it, you'll see it fits in.

Okay, let's put it here for now.

- I'll help you. - Thank you.

What for? You make me feel... useful,

for the last time.

Mum!

You know what I mean.

Darling, can I ask you something

a bit embarrassing?

[Dramatic music]

Have I been a good mother for you?

What a question, Mum. Sure, why...?

You're not running away from me,

are you?

No, Mum. How do you come up with such

ideas?

I don't know.

You've been a wonderful mother.

Do you understand?

I'm not the model son.

What are you talking about?

You're perfect.

You know, this morning I was watching TV

and a psychologist said mothers

never know what their children do.

Some mothers don't know where they are, what they

think.

But I,

I always know what you're thinking.

Mum...

- How are you? - Fine.

A bit edgy.

Because of dad?

You know, lately, I get the impression

that even when he's angry

he's become a bit more gentle.

You're not hoping he'll come back,

are you?

Not at all. What are you saying?

[Laughing]

The eternal romantic!

Maybe.

But I think it's right to accept ourselves for what

we are.

Don't you think?

Okay. I'll start cooking now.

Let's hope all goes well this evening.

I hate surprises.

* * *

- Thank you. - You're welcome.

You're on R101, I'm Marco Balestri

and you're listening to the "Life Show".

Everything's very personal. We have Benedetta on line.

Hello, Benedetta.

- Hi, Marco. - Hi, what's up? What's wrong?

Marco, my friend Luca has a friend who is a real

arsehole.

You do sound angry. Why's that?

I don't want to get Luca into trouble,

but I don't want to see that bighead again.

Couldn't it be you fancy this friend?

Hello, Benedetta? She's hung up.

[Tires screeching, Crash]

He's there!

[Phone keys beeping]

[Text message tone]

Only just missed him. Sorry.

What now?

I've got an idea. Get back behind the wheel!

[Car speeding]

Overtake him!

Watch out, don't turn, go straight on!

- Don't touch me! - You be careful...

- Overtake him! - I am!

Shut up and drive.

- Why are you naked? - Shut up and drive!

Where are we going?

[Car slows down, horns honking]

What's the matter?

Dunno.

[Whistle]

- Hello. - Hello.

Licence and log book, please.

Why, what have I done?

That's a good start. Licence and log book!

Excuse me. Will it take long?

Are you in a hurry?

According to the protocol approved by the city of Rome,

my material duty is to check all vehicle

parts, documents and the coil.

I have authority to check if you pay your TV

subscription.

I'm not sure you do.

So, more or less?

So, my friend, it'll take at least a couple

of hours,

you'd better call another cab.

How am I supposed to call another cab?

I'll call one for you.

No! Sorry. No.

- Why not? - Why not?

Why not?

Why not?

Where are you?

Females can't handle even the simplest tasks!

Okay, is this yours? No, yours?

I'm a bit confused today.

- Do you know the results for Rome?

- Heaven knows.

- Eduard? - Stefania!

What a coincidence! How are you?

Blocked by this so-called officer,

but I'm fine.

How dare you? Watch it, I might handcuff

you.

By the way, miss, you're on the wrong

side of the road. What a way to drive!

Come, I'll take you.

Thank you.

[Horns honking]

Do you want to see my coil now?

Would that be an erotic metaphor?

Take me home. I'll get you a two-year TV

subscription.

Let's go!

Did you have a good trip?

Very good, thanks.

I have to stop off at home, I hope it's not a problem.

No, on the contrary, it's better,

so if you don't mind, I can freshen up a bit.

- Anything else? - What?

I mean, if you need something, just ask.

No, thanks, I'm fine and also very excited.

I'm about to meet Mattia's parents.

We've talked of nothing else today.

I have something to tell you.

Something very important.

And I don't want you to think I'm telling you because I'm

[Text message tone]

Package recovered. Don't know for how long. Keep you posted.

Welcome.

This is my place.

Wow, it's so cute.

What would you like to drink?

What do you have?

White wine.

Perfect, yes.

So... do you mind if I use your bathroom?

No, go ahead.

- Over there? - Yes.

Okay.

There you are.

This is a very special wine.

You'll smell its bouquet.

Flowery, a bit dry, but very sweet.

I hope you like it. Here.

- You don't like it. - No, it's nice.

- The taste is rather... new. - New!

That's what Mattia always says.

- To Mattia! - To Mattia!

Chug it.

- All of it? - Yes.

Do you know Mattia's parents?

What are they like?

She's subdued, he's bossy. Typical Italians.

Not so typical, according to how they've

taken their son's homosexuality.

You're right.

Did you know it was me who pushed Mattia to tell

He was terrified, poor thing.

When I got back to Madrid, his mum wrote me a letter.

She welcomed me into the family

and was very nice.

Really?

I even spoke to her on the phone.

What?

I called her to thank her for the letter.

Tell me about it.

[Phone ringing]

It's him, Giacomo. Please...

I'll make her sound bourgeois, "Hello, how are you? Hello."

Constipated, "Hi, hi." Genoese, I'm good at it.

You can't make my mum Genoese. Ordinary, Giacomo.

- An ordinary lady. - You're so old-fashioned.

Hello?

Hello, madam, it's Eduard.

I'm calling to thank you for your letter.

Don't mention it. What counts

is that Mattia and you love each other.

Anyway, my husband and I give you our blessing.

But don't hurt my little boy.

I'd never do that.

Yes, Mattia told me you're so cute.

I mean, good!

Sorry, dear, I have to go to my riding

lesson.

The stallions are waiting for me.

Okay, madam.

I hope to see you soon. Say hello to your husband.

I'll do that, good bye.

- Was I good? - Did he believe it?

- I'd think so. - Okay.

That's out of the way.

[Zipper closes]

[Door opens]

Oh.

Ready to flee from Alcatraz?

- Is it that obvious? - A bit.

It's just like me.

I only find the courage to leave

by changing countries.

But you haven't had to have four kids

with the guy who fixed your scooter.

- By the way, how's Piston? - Fine, he's at the garage.

He'll be at the dinner.

He'll be here even if he has to skip his

What luck.

Let's talk about something serious.

Mum'll commit suicide and that's settled, but dad?

How did he take the news of your departure?

I don't know.

I've let him down so often he doesn't notice anymore.

Mattia, you're not 15 anymore! Why do you care about what

they think?

You always want to be perfect!

- Me? - Yes!

- When? - Always, little brother.

You've no idea how hard it is to keep up with you.

"Look at how good Mattia is. Look at Mattia's good notes."

"Mattia isn't pregnant." What a drag!

Putting it this way, I'd hate myself too.

I don't hate you.

I'm sorry for you. It must be stressful.

Maybe it's because you're a boy.

Do you want a good laugh?

I've always been jealous of you.

- Of me? - Yes.

No way!

You've always done what you wanted.

You never let anybody bully you.

You've always been yourself.

A chav, but consistent.

[Doorbell ringing]

- God, is that dad? - It's Bernardo, don't stress!

Sorry. Breathe.

[Dance music playing]

Are you sure Mattia said he'd come and pick me up?

I'm more than sure.

[Knocking]

Just a second.

* * *

On stage!

[Dramatic music]

What are you doing?

Thank you.

Mattia, I've got something to tell

I've had to be very convincing,

but there's a small team in a village not far from

Madrid

which would accept you, because you're my son,

obviously.

Thanks, but I'll have enough to do

with my own problems.

I don't think I'll have time to get smashed up.

Maybe I could come next week. I'll help you.

I'll do the washing.

They've got washing machines in Spain too.

Thank you anyway.

But you have to know how to use them

and you're no expert.

- At your age I... - At his age you couldn't fry

What are you saying?

The first holiday, you came back 2 days

later because Cesenatico flustered you.

[Laughing]

Old age!

See how dad freaked out at Cesenatico?

What are you laughing at, idiot?

Rodolfo, keep your tone down.

I wouldn't want her to get nervous

and have the baby here.

It's your fourth baby and you still

don't know it takes nine months?

We like to be ready.

Ready.

Ste...

No signal!

[Doorbell ringing]

Wait, Mum!

What's up?

Don't go.

It's only Gisella, for the saucepans

she lent us for the dinner.

But come right back.

Samantha, have you thought about names?

- If it's a boy, we think... - No!

Not another boy.

Do you think I'm eBay, that you can order whatever

Just listen to him!

We all know men determine the sex of the baby, not

How do you know?

The TV aerial fell down the other day

and I could only watch "Superquark".

- Do you mean it's my fault? - I think so.

"Pietro" Angela says so, not me.

My daughter treats you so well!

You count for nothing at home.

[Laughing]

Rodolfo!

I'm joking. If one can't joke in his own

house!

Your house? Your house?

It's not been your house for three years!

And even before you ran away with that slut who cut your

it wasn't your house, but our house!

[Applause]

Well done!

You've gone completely mad!

I've never been so sane.

Mad... I was when I tried to elbow

my way between rugby matches.

Mad... I was when I thought you'd realise what a jerk

you'd been.

I was mad as hell, but now... I've recovered.

She's not the woman I used to know.

I can't see why we have to ruin

Mattia's last dinner here.

Don't mind me.

Rodolfo, we're all very happy to have you here,

but if you can't behave properly,

you can get up and leave now.

Have you let off the steam?

We could get on with the dinner then.

You're right. Apologise to everybody

and let's forget it.

Don't get carried away now.

I've told you to apologise or get out of my house!

- Mum, but... - Apologise!

Or I'll send you to Cesenatico.

I apologise.

We didn't hear you.

No.

I apologise to all of you.

Careful...

I never have lunch, so I like to let myself go in the

I have something to tell you.

I have something to tell you.

I have something to tell you.

Sorry, love, we hadn't heard you.

Yes... Well...

It's... It's quite embarrassing.

It isn't anything bad, God no!

But it's the kind of thing, "Do I or don't I say it?"

You never really know if you want to say it or not.

But you end up saying it. It's not as if I wouldn't.

I'm going to tell you...

[Cell phone vibrating]

Sorry.

The package is blocked. Have a good dinner.

And...

Nothing, I wanted to tell you...

I'll miss you.

Just clapping!

Here.

Yes.

The potatoes are yummy.

This is the fifth one.

Don't talk about chakras, especially when I'm eating.

Would you like a drop? It's good for your diabetes.

Wine is good for diabetes?

I read it in a bike magazine.

To Cesenatico!

You're a real piece of shit.

Didn't you see her do this when we were fighting?

I did see her! She can do whatever she likes.

Because she's your mum and when she does something...

Shut up, it's not true!

I'm gay!

And I'm ashamed.

Terribly.

Awfully.

Not of being gay.

I'm ashamed

I wasn't brave enough to tell you earlier.

I'm ashamed

I feared

you might reject me.

It can happen, can't it?

Because good old Mattia

this time

has disappointed you.

All these years I tried hard

not to disappoint you,

I was disappointing myself.

So...

You see, Sammy?

Perfect little Mattia

isn't as perfect as he looks.

Mum...

Dad...

Bad news.

From this side, you'll most probably

never get grandchildren.

God bless you, Bernardo, because...

you've provided them for both.

Right now I feel something inside me.

I think it's pride.

I love it.

I don't know if you will,

but I really think you should...

be happy for me.

I understand you're shocked, but this

is the moment to say something.

Who starts?

I'll start.

Mattia, we all knew.

Yes, Mattia.

We knew.

Yes.

- Yes. - You bet.

You bet? Why?

Don't you remember that time on the rugby field?

The shirt thief.

So you saw me while...

That's it.

We knew,

but we didn't quite know how to bring up the subject.

Listen, we have to help him.

We tell him straight out,

"Mattia, you're...? For us it's okay."

What do you think?

He's a man now.

He'll deal with it on his own, right?

Typical.

Men don't know how to face problems.

No.

You just can't wait to be the sacrificial lamb!

That's it.

And you?

Who'll stop you in Spain?

You were intentionally vague.

No need to ask you.

Can I say something now?

You've been very brave this evening.

But next time you have something

to tell us, don't make us wait 25 years.

I promise.

- I propose a toast to Mattia. - To Mattia!

- To Mattia! - To Matty!

- Do we have to stand up? - Of course we do. Come on.

[Glasses clinking]

So you also know that... the shirt thief is called

Eduard?

Yes.

And that I'm going to live with him in Spain?

Yes.

Well.

Nevermind.

I'm only sorry I couldn't meet him.

- Gran... - It's better this way.

First time he's over, you'll meet him.

I don't know if I'll be able...

and I don't know when...

I'll have my holidays!

No!

"Dear Mrs. Iolanda Sberla,"

"I inform you that you've successfully

passed the selection process," blah...

"Please contact our Human Resources

team as soon as possible," blah...

"Yours sincerely," etc.

Great Mrs. Iolanda!

[Glasses clinking]

Wait! Sorry.

Since we're in the mood for

celebrations...

Darling...

If you give me a girl this time,

this is for you.

What are you talking about?

Open it.

Come on.

God!

- It's the one with the spa. - It's full of spas.

You smart arse!

Mind the baby boy.

No, dear, it's a girl, because this

time,

I swear it in front of my family,

I'll do all I can for it to be a girl.

So all that stuff about "Pietro" Angela...

"Pietro" Angela doesn't know a thing.

Let him speak. Kiss me.

[Kissing]

Stop drinking, you're diabetic.

Do you want to die tonight?

Shut up for once!

I was ready to explain that not all gays want to

change sex.

Not all gays are good at matching colours

and not all gays listen to Lady Gaga.

But they'd fooled me.

Ste...

I don't want you to leave.

Come on, Ste.

It's stupid you leave.

It's stupid you leave!

It could work for me.

But how would I tell my parents now?

- Fuck off. - Me too, darling, terribly.

Have a good trip.

- Hey. -Hey.

What's up?

What time is it?

Is everything okay?

Couldn't be better.

We're going home.

What about the dinner?

You missed it.

It's okay, we'll have it in Madrid.

Sleep, my love. I'll wake you up in a while.

Okay.

It just took me a few seconds to make a life-changing

I didn't know if it would be a success or a disaster.

What I was sure of

was that either option was better than the situation

Just look who's here.

Who have we got here?

Now I see, it's him...

[Thud]

* * *

TELL NO ONE

What's up? Petrol's too expensive?

Alba, I've been punched.

Knowing you, you must have deserved it.

Look at you. Oh God!

- What is it? - I'm joking, dopey.

Let's go, I've had such a day!

She starts joking now!

- Thanks. - You drive.

[Moaning]

You see, mothers understand certain

things.

There's nothing wrong with it.

[Moaning]

Lovely!

Young man! Take it easy with those hands.

Don't worry, I'm gay.

Really?

You have to meet my son.

He's gorgeous, Mattia.

He's with a boy right now, but I'm not sure he's the

right person.

He's a foreigner

and as they say, better wed over the mixen than over the

Yes...

Mummy!

Won't you stop it?

[Baby crying]

No, darling, not you, you can do whatever...

Bernardo, shake a leg! The ship won't wait for us.

Just a minute, departure's in four hours, not two

minutes!

I know, but you have to drive slowly

because I feel sick.

- You what? - I feel sick.

No!

Not again! You said it was the last one.

It's my fault now, is it? Do you think I was alone?

It is your fault. Didn't you count the days?

Darling, after four kids you still trust my counting?

Come on.

I feel it's another girl.

I feel it's another loan.

Would you like another sister?

Yes!

Even they want one.

Let's go. Off on the cruise, love!

Come, madam, try it.

Hold your hands out.

That's it, well done.

And now rub, rub.

Only 35 years to go and I'll retire at last.

See, dear, you must use the brush like an artist.

You're gorgeous. A woman at last!

Look at your eyes. Enhance them.

Do you think so?

- Did you know you're beautiful?

- Something's wrong with you, love.

No!

You never take the first step.

Why? What have I said?

It's not what you said, but how you said it.

What will you do, if I don't apologise?

Run back to your mum?

* Like the first lie, under the bed. *

* Like a jewellery box * * and nothing's ever safe. *

* Like in a game of chance *

* where you deny all and nothing, *

* and no feelings exist. *

* On a morning * * with no sun and no stopping,

* all the good things you've forgotten.

* One morning in a bar, *

* at the furthest table, *

* a coffee, a silence, * * how much does it cost you. *

* Nevermind, * * just leave it to your eyes.

* Nevermind, * * you don't need to touch me.

* As if nothing had been said. *

* Anyway the truth * * has the scent of your heart.

* Nevermind, * * just leave it to your eyes.

* Nevermind, * * you don't need to touch me.

* As if nothing had been said. *

* Anyway the truth * * has the scent of your heart.

* Nevermind. *

* Each time I told you, * * "It's okay, delete it and do

* Nevermind. *

* All the bends and roads to be *

* together and lose each other again. *

* Nevermind. *

* What matters is the destination, *

* not the journey. You got it late. *

* Nevermind. *

* But life is real, the dream ends *

* and you wake up grown up. *

* The second lie, * * you still have on you. *

* You don't need a jewellery box *

* to hide you now. *

* Those nights I saw you, * * always behind a line, *

* with that sneer, * * always out of place, *

* and that stealthy step, * * like a little cheater, *

* at the end of a lane. *

* And nobody will fall *

* in such a ridiculous crime. *

* Nevermind, * * just leave it to your eyes.

* Nevermind, * * you don't need to touch me.

* As if nothing had been said. *

* Anyway the truth * * has the scent of your heart.

*

* You see everything's always *

* an open plan. *

* We're not the model daughter *

* or the perfect son. *

* The choices of the heart, * * the straight decisions, *

* the coloured patches. * * Perfection is just a

concept. *

* The love that bonds. * * The love you deny, *

* like a stone round your neck. *

* The weight which drowns us. *

* A page of life that turns, *

* because you try with words, *

* but love can't be explained. *

* Nevermind, * * just leave it to your eyes.

* Nevermind, * * you don't need to touch me.

* As if nothing had been said. *

* Anyway the truth * * has the scent of your heart.

* Nevermind. *

Subtitles STUDIO ASCI