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and bring me everything you've got

because every single point will

matter in this game.

Let's get this fucking one in the

first half. Let's put some points on

in the second half. Big effort please gentlemen.

Big effort.

Steelers on three.

3, 2, 1. Steelers!

SIMON: Rugby is a really welcoming sport.

It's just that those of us

who are gay

we're still like, we just peering out the door

We're like, are you sure it's safe to come out?

Are you sure?

NIC: We pigeonhole people and we

keep on, you know, perpetuating

those cycles of male hegemony that says

that we have to be heterosexual.

We have to act in this way.

This is what a sportsman looks like.

And actually, no.

This is not what a sportsman looks like.

DREW: There's this element of being a rugby player

even as a gay rugby player

that there's a certain masculinity that you need

to maintain.

To me, that's bollocks.

You know, I will be tough and brutal

and kick your arse on the pitch.

When I'm off the pitch

I will be as flagrant

and as flamboyant as I want.

EAMMON: This is me.

Twelve years old.

Joining my first rugby club in Australia.

And this is me now.

I'm a reporter and a cameraman

so I'm used to telling stories

but I've never told one

this personal.

For me, this isn't just a story

about being gay.

It's not even a story about playing

rugby.

It's a story about struggle,

acceptance

searching for happiness

and finding a place to belong.

Around the time this photo was taken

I guess I started to realise that I was gay

and for me, it was a struggle.

It was also the same time that the

kids at school figured it out.

Poofta, faggot, fudge packer.

These were the names I was pretty much called

on a daily basis.

The bullying was unrelenting.

That was 20 years ago now, but I can

still remember the shame

that I carried on my shoulders.

The fear and the anxiety

that my family would find out.

In fact, this rugby club was the only

place where I wasn't getting bullied.

Here I wasn't the gay kid.

Here, I was the total second-rower

who was good at scoring tries.

It was the mid 90s.

Around that very same time something

was happening on the other side of

the world in London that would

drastically change my life

and the lives of thousands of others.

A group of friends were having a drink in a pub

in London's King's Cross

and they came up with what was

at the time a radical idea

to start the world's first

gay rugby club.

And that's how the Kings Cross Steelers was born.

MATT: You know, the Steelers were the first gay rugby team

in the world.

We've been in this tournament many times.

We've got as far as we have now

but we've never won it.

So to be part of the team that

is the first team from the Steelers

to win the Bingham Cup

would be incredible.

EAMMON: In their first season the

boys were trying to line up fixtures

against straight teams across England.

They sent out 130 invitations.

But would you believe only 20 came back.

It was a different world back then.

As for straight rugby players, well,

they were worried about catching HIV on the pitch.

But the boys didn't give up.

And without knowing it

they had started something big.

Flash forward two decades from that single team

there are now 60 gay clubs around the world

and every two years they meet

for the Bingham Cup.

And this year it's in Amsterdam.

NIC: We can do this.

But if we do this

it'll be against all the odds.

EAMMON: It's the World Cup of gay rugby

and over the next three days

that's where this story takes place.

NIC: Okay, so listen up.

A couple of things that I want us to

think about now

is that we really switched on and we're a squad.

EAMMON: And even though the Steelers were the first gay rugby club

they've never won this tournament.

And these boys are their biggest competition this week:

The Sydney Convicts.

Player: I could feel their trepidation.

I could feel their eyes like darting from player to player

Thinking: Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Oh, shit ...

I could feel it, you know.

Rob: So it's just putting some pressure on them

and hopefully breaking them down.

But everything is on them.

There's no pressure on us whatsoever.

Steelers. Steelers.

NIC: Well, tomorrow we've got the Convicts

and they're pretty much

what this team feel are

one of the main competitors and

that's our first game up.

So we have to have our heads on

first thing.

EAMMON: So in this story, there are

three people I want you to meet:

Simon

Drew

and Nic, the head coach.

NIC: When something goes wrong,

you're just going to POG it.

So you're going to 'Play Our Game'.

Do you like that?

I've thought about that for a while.

EAMMON: Nic's been the Director of Rugby

for 3 years at the Steelers.

NIC: So go and tell that person

about something they did really good

None of this banter about putting

each other down right now, OK?

I have a lot of secret nerves that I

try to keep as far away from the boys.

I feel like I'm there with them.

So I pick up all of those player nerves.

So I get that sicky tummy.

I get all those kind of feelings as

if I'm about to walk on the pitch.

EAMMON: And after this tournament,

Nic is stepping down as the head coach.

NIC: That's kind of the end

of my journey,

really, is to watch them play their best.

EAMMON: Bit emotional?

NIC: Yeah. EAMMON: How come?

NIC: Because...

I've been with them for three years.

And some of the boys ...

been on that journey for three years.

And we were rubbish.

I mean

we got tonked.

We had ...

we, we had

70, 80 points put on us when I first

came to the club

and, um

I've watched players

grow.

So ...

And what I found was

my first year, not so much now,

but in my first year,

I found that I had these really great players

who had a real lack of self belief.

It's like:

'I can be a really confident gay person,

and I can be really confident in the club,

and I can be really confident with my friends,

and I'm a brilliant person in the workplace,

and I'm a super successful businessman.

But on the sport's pitch that doesn't belong to me.

This is not my home.

Can I stop you here?

Every single one of you

have put a 'but' into your conversation.

Cut that out now because

we're here to look at our positives

because actually we want

to work on our really good stuff.

SIMON: If we get that right here

that will take us a long way.

We started to get it going.

Player: Simon?

NIC: So I think I spent my first year really

just confirming

to them that

they do belong

that they're sportsmen,

that they are entitled to their

place on the pitch.

So I feel emotional because

I've seen that growth

in these human beings.

And I love my sport.

And I think it's done so many

brilliant things for me

so to see

it do brilliant things for them

just makes me really happy.

Happy?!

Told you I'd cry, ay?

Getting it out in front of you, not in front

of the players.

Kept my cool earlier in

the team talk.

ROB: One last thing. Bingham tradition

for the Steelers.

Get your toes out boys. Toes now a painting.

EAMMON: So before the tournament kicks off

first thing's first.

ROB: No excuses. Blue and green. No excuses.

(upbeat music)

NIC: I would even allow you to do mine.

Awesome.

(laughter)

EAMMON: So I never wore nail polish as a kid

but I loved dressing up in my mom's clothes

and I always wore pink.

So the signs were definitely there.

But the happy kid that I see in these photos

didn't stay happy for long.

So here I am editing this documentary

and I don't have any pictures

to go over the next bit.

One of my first gay experiences

happened when I was 16.

It was with a boy from one of my sports classes

He invited me for a sleepover.

We drank.

We ended up messing around.

And without me knowing it

he set up a camera in the corner of the

room and was filming it.

I remember what happened

pretty vividly.

It was a Friday afternoon at school.

I'd just finished class and I was

walking back to the dorm in

my boarding school

and it was like a scene from a movie.

People were looking at me,

whispering, sniggering.

Someone yelled out this boy's surname at me

and was laughing.

The blood started rushing to my face.

My world was spinning.

It was almost like I was floating outside my body

having this kind of out of body experience.

This was the moment I was going to be outed.

I went into the room in my boarding house

and I tried to stay calm.

And finally someone told me what had happened.

This boy had come to school with the videotape

and shown it.

And this was probably one of

the worst moments in my life

being outed at an all boys school.

I was so desperate for help that

I called my dad and said

that we were drunk and messing around.

He went down to the boy's parent's

house and destroyed the tape.

And I'll be forever grateful for him

for doing that.

And we didn't really

talk about whether I was gay or not.

I certainly didn't bring it up.

But the bullying went from bad to worse.

Before I was just surviving

and now I felt like

I was drowning.

SIMON: Is the sound working?

Are we ready to go?

We're going to start? Are you rolling?

- Yeah - Oh, we're rolling?

Okay.

EAMMON: So Simon is the second person I want you to meet.

Until recently, he played rugby

at a fairly high level in Birmingham

and north London.

But he wasn't out.

SIMON: I was a guy who knew from the

age of about 10 years old that

he was attracted to the same

sex that decided

very early that that was just not a thing.

I just didn't see how I could come out

and still do what I wanted to do.

I didn't really know I was in a struggle

until

Yeah, I decided that, you know,

obviously people settle down

and start getting married and ...

Yeah, I um.

Yeah.

I guess I um ...

I changed my mind and it was

kind of weird, like, to have

this whole life philosophy that had worked.

I was happy.

And I was like, yeah, privately I knew that I was gay

but I was like: I'm going to be the uncle and the

best friend and the son.

And I don't need a relationship.

And it's weird. I used to look at --

sounds so childlike, but because

this view was formed when I was a kid.

We got a black labrador when I was 12

and I used to always say

Rolo doesn't need a partner,

like he's happy just bouncing around

and goes for a walk in the park.

So I always say,

I based my life decisions around

the black labrador family pet,

right?

Which is strange.

EAMMON: Two years ago, Simon realised it was time

to be his true self.

SIMON: When I went through the process of trying to

you know, deciding I wanted to come out as gay

I was shocked by

how much

there was built in.

And it was.

It was ... obviously a lot of it was in me

that I didn't know, you know.

Trying to think ... telling my little brother ... it was

we went for a walk up and down the river

My little brother is the most welcoming guy.

There's no way he's gonna have a problem with it.

I really struggled.

And we were walked up and down

up and down.

I walk like one more walk, one more walk, one more walk.

And

I just couldn't say the words.

And I was ahhh.

Even though at this point

I'm thinking he must know what I'm about to say, right?

But he wouldn't do it for me.

In the end after about literally an hour and a half

I said Tom, I said you've

you've got a gay brother and it's not Dave,

that's all I could say, our older brother.

And he was, yeah.

He said I'm really

I'm really happy because

he recognised that wasn't the start.

That was the

I guess the um

culmination of a lot of thinking

over the previous 12 or 18 months.

EAMMON: But as Simon took his first

steps out of the closet, he tripped.

He'd fallen in love with a childhood friend

a straight guy, who we'll call Jack.

Jack said some things that he

probably didn't think about how it

would impact SIMON

and they cut very deep.

EAMMON : Did that lead to the other sort of stuff

like the depression?

Or feed into it at least?

SIMON: Yeah.

Yeah, definitely.

EAMMON: Simon's being very worried

about this part of the documentary

because he doesn't want to blame

Jack.

He understands it was a difficult

situation for both of them.

Jack was brought up to believe that

being gay was unnatural and wrong.

But nonetheless, his words had

a very big impact.

SIMON: Then ...

I ...

I found, I found ... um ...

I found the road from there a lot

harder than I expected.

ALEX: This week is a special

time for our club.

We've got six teams.

We are the biggest component of this tournament.

We're going to go out and give it

our absolute best.

NIC: And I just want to say

just love every moment that you're on the pitch.

And then Sunday night, just go wild.

(group cheers)

NIC: So we got a sixth place last time

And I believe with the set

of players that we have and the team

that we have

that we're in with a chance

to actually come away with a win.

Stop no pictures, no pictures.

ROB: This is where it starts. First game.

NIC: There's a few players that the nerves are

overtaking them a little bit.

But I'm trying to keep them

keep them nice and low.

Keep them calm.

Nerves?

Should be buzzing.

Good nerves. They're good nerves.

ALEX: So starting line up.

Drew McDowell at loose head prop.

NIC: I think they're all worrying

because this is their main competition.

So if they keep everything really positive

they'll focus on their strengths and

not let the kind of, um ...

that kind of voice

talk them down.

EAMMON: So game one.

The Sydney Convicts.

The Steelers need to win 3 of their first 4 round games

to make it to the semi-finals.

And this is set to be the toughest.

ROB: We are used to pressured games.

We are used to fucking contact.

EAMMON: The Steelers score first with a penalty goal.

But then the Convicts take the lead

with one try and then another.

Half time, we're down and points

and down a man with concussion.

ALEX: 20 minutes we've got here. PLAYER: We've done this before.

We've done this before and we're going to do it again!

You absolutely how it in you!

You've got more in that tank! More to give!

C'mon on!

EAMMON: Final score ... Sydney Convicts - 12

Kings Cross Steelers - 3.

NIC: I'm going to say one thing.

That shit show at the end

is not Steeler's way.

And if I see that one more time,

you're off the game, you're off the tournament

because you're not playing in my fucking team.

Okay?

I'm not having that bullshit.

We're at a tournament

with a brotherhood here.

Not having it.

Full stop.

Last word on that - number one.

Number two ...

we didn't trust our structure for about 18 minutes, okay?

We need to do what we're really good at, okay?

What we are really good at.

So we're going to learn from that.

We're gonna step up from that

because I'm disappointed

you're disappointed

and there's plenty more in the tank.

OK?

NIC: I think that I

probably give out

this really fearsome (laughs)

I would say I'm probably a fierce

female.

And so I might

just slightly terrify

a couple of people.

And that's OK, because

I kind of quite like that fierce

female part.

But those people that

spend time trying to get to know me

realise actually

I'm a bit of a pussy cat.

NIC: You are a fantastic team.

Believe in your structure.

Believe in the way that we play

rugby the Steelers way.

SIMON: We decided just before kick off

we're going to throw the first game

so we can stay undercover

so these boys think that they got us

but they haven't.

Nah, they came at us

with a lot of physicality.

DREW: But I think if we keep building on through

tournament, each game,

keep working through our structures,

we'll see Convicts in the final and

then get a second chance at it.

PLAYER: Beaten by my old team.

So that's never a good thing.

Put some good play together in the second half and hopefully we can

come up against them in the final.

Fuck!

EAMMON: So while the players recover,

NIC snuck away to play a quick game herself.

The last time she wore rugby boots,

she was playing for Wales.

NIC: I think I've gone a bit crazy

and decided to come out of retirement.

- How many years? - Six years.

- So who are you playing for and what position?

- I'm not sure. We're just playing 10s.

I'm playing where ever I'm put.

- Oh God! Is it a big deal for you? - No, well, yeah maybe.

- Good luck. - We'll see.

EAMMON: So how does a gay woman

come to coach a gay men's rugby club?

NIC: Okay, so Gilbert Evans ...

born, bred Caerphilly.

Played rugby, football and cricket.

Refereed in later life.

Treasurer of Caerphilly Rugby Club.

Hugely disappointed that I was a girl

and told me so in no uncertain terms when I was about 12

and I was the only grandchild

so he was stuck with me at that point.

My brother and sister came along a bit later on.

And informed me that in his disappointment

that he'd have to put up with it

and that he's decided to pretend

that I am a boy on a Saturday afternoon.

So I got my first season ticket to Cardiff Rugby Club

aged twelve when I went to senior school.

From the age of 12, my grandfather took me.

I was allowed to swear once we got through the stalls.

But as soon as we got through the turnstiles on the way out,

no more swearing.

And he stood by my side

for

seven years and

taught me the referee's perspective,

taught me the fullback's perspective,

the ten's perspective,

and just talked me through the rugby match.

He taught me why that penalty happened,

what was happening in that ruck,

why was that scrum pulled down.

And he just ...

he loved sharing that knowledge with me.

And we had just this connection.

So age 17,

I got my first car

and literally the first thing I did

was drive on a Tuesday night down to rugby.

So this game that I knew

inside out

I'd never played.

So possibly one of the most exciting nights of my life.

And at the time, I was about eight stone

so a little bit smaller.

And I played on the wing

and I just I thought this is the best thing in the world.

So

I played at university.

Then I went off to the university

and I got into the university team

I came home at Christmas

and my grandfather said to me,

"Ah, I'm just so ashamed of myself"

And I said why grandad? And he was like,

"Oh, your grandmother's got it in for me, it's all my fault."

I said, what's happened?

"You're going to get breast cancer."

I'm like what do you mean I'm going to get breast cancer?

He's like, "Well, all those tackling.

Is there anything you can have, like chest pads?"

I'm like, I'm not going to get breast cancer

from rugby.

He's like, "Yeah but you're going to

take all those hits to your breasts."

I'm like, you really do not need to be worrying

about my breasts.

My breasts are all good.

And he's like, "And your teeth.

You've got such nice teeth."

So was he was super disappointed.

And he blamed himself for my

love of rugby.

So

he had a major stroke as I went to university.

And he spent the rest of his life,

twelve years, in a nursing home.

So

my first Six Nations playing for Wales --

and I cried then too by the way.

I'm a cryer --

And I line up against Ireland

and I look up

and my nan is there, and she's only four foot ten.

So there's this tiny little woman,

with this massive scarf and a big wolly hat

watching me, waving at me.

And

she come up to me at the end of the game

and she's like, "Your grandfather

would have been just so proud of you right now.

He never said it

because he was always a bit frightened

you were going to get hurt,

but he'd be really proud of you."

So, he never got to see me play.

But

he's always with me

on the pitch, near the pitch.

So ... hence the reason

why I'm a rugby obsessed.

EAMMON: Do you think you feel him here

here with you this week?

NIC: Yes, and I think ...

he was immensely proud of all my achievements.

Anything that I did.

He would drive me anywhere.

He would fuel that passion.

So I think

for him to know

that so many years on

that he still fuels my passion.

I think ... that's pretty special, isn't it?

DREW: I told you not to kill anyone.

NIC: I didn't.

I was nice. I played nice Evans.

COACH: You love a bit of constant infringing don't you?

In at the side, clobbering that bird.

- Still go it. Could've been a contender. - I wish.

EAMMON: You got so close at the end.

- My God. That was so good. - Ahhh! I should've scored.

- NIC, how was that? - Horrendous.

I can remember why I retired now.

Oh well.

- But worth doing? - Yeah it was really nice to play in the Bingham Cup.

So, know what the boys feel like.

- What did it feel like?

Um really nervous.

First game in a long time.

Felt really nervous.

I just thought I'd mess it up for everybody.

- But you played awesome.

I didn't do very much.

It's good to get a few hits in.

- Thanks NIC.

EAMMON: Is your gran still alive?

NIC: Ahh, Yeah.

EAMMON: Do you think you call her after

and let her know how you go this week?

NIC: She's in hospital.

But she asks me about my boys.

So I tell her that I coach the gay men's rugby team

and she loves that.

She's like, oh, that's funny.

And I think I think she really loves that

because she always talks about the fact

that life was so different in her era.

I think

she loves the fact

that our society

now embrace gay people

and we're able to have these amazing things

like the Bingham Cup.

We're able to safely walk the streets of Amsterdam

and we're able to celebrate

our own sporting lives.

And I feel that's what Bingham is.

It's a celebration of gay sporting lives.

So I noticed that

I didn't have an American flag in our tent.

So I brought this

and then this is the Man of the Day award.

It's normally a skirt

but it would have been sacrilegious

to cover the flag.

EAMMON: what did you think of the guy

with the Spangled Banner Speedo.

CHRIS: Oh right. Ummm...

Yes that was quite an interesting outfit.

I wonder he'll wear to the closing party.

CASPAR: Oh you're wondering?

I don't want this.

Get this camera off.

My focus first and foremost is on the rugby.

- Yeah, exactly.

- But second...

EAMMON: speaking of which ...

time for the next game

the Emerald Warriors from Dublin.

NIC: We're going to go out there and play lots of attacking rugby

right from the off.

There's no taking anything for granted.

Just as many points.

Be my top pain in the arse today.

EAMMON: 73 - 0 to the Steelers.

They're back in the competition

and need just two more wins

if they have a chance of going all the way.

NIC: Thought you were fabulous.

Get some food on board as soon as possible.

PLAYER: Don't worry about that Nic.

Got some down here.

ROB: Louis, as you're a PE teacher

you can fucking launder the shirts.

So shirts off.

And also, last thing for me.

Where is he? Congratulations.

You scored more tries in this tournament

than your boyfriend.

ALL: AYYY!

EAMMON: Well, remember I said

there are three people I want you to meet?

Well, it's kind of four.

Drew and Drewalicious.

DREW: I think Drag just came along

as a bit of a fluke.

EAMMON: So, yes, apparently joining a gay rugby club

can turn you into a drag queen.

So Drew used to be in charge of

social events at the club

and one night before a big game

when they couldn't drink alcohol

he decided to swap the spirits for stilettos.

DREW: I was smaller than I am now,

but I was still quite stocky.

So to see three quite stocky rugby players

in heels and makeup doing a dance.

No one was expecting it.

So they were just absolutely floored.

And then I realised in that moment

I got to do multiple things that I love doing.

I got to dance.

I got to perform.

And I got to play a character.

I've created a persona as a drag queen

that is probably an extension of myself,

but just a very wild

and very kind of exaggerated sense.

And I was like,

how can I make this actually last

as long as possible?

Because I kind of love it.

I love being centre of attention.

Everyone knows I love being centre of attention.

And I think it's partly because I like making people laugh.

I like seeing people smile.

EAMMON: The Devalicious drag show

was so successful

that the club decided to put on a public event

and make it a fundraiser.

DREW: And I was like oh,

I'm possibly going to get nervous again.

And then the first song came on,

which was the first routine that we did in Manchester.

As soon as we got on stage,

I was like, no, no,

I love this.

Seeing 600 people just looking at me

owning the stage.

I was like, this is something I love.

I kind of soaked it up

and then I got off stage

and it was like I don't want to leave

and then I realised I don't have to

because I have four other acts.

So it's perfect!

EAMMON: And now it's turned

into an annual event

at the famous Heaven nightclub in London.

And there's even a spinoff.

Steeler's Drag Race.

Yep, these are all rugby players.

And they take it very seriously.

There's a reading challenge

which is kind of like a roast

A Lip-Sync for your life.

And of course, a Lip-Sync, for your legacy

to crown the winner.

The winner is 'Anya Knees'.

DREW: We had some pushback,

especially when we did Heaven

and we did a lot of photoshoots and promotion ...

being drag queens in the locker room

with other rugby players

and creating that image of butch queens

in drag

and butch queens out of drag.

And some of our previous members

didn't really appreciate that

because they thought we were feeding into that gay stereotype

that gay men are only sissies.

Or only want to play dress up

in girl's clothes when actually

they looked at it the wrong way.

We were actually welcoming and promoting

and kind of congratulating people

who are their own people

that they can be rugby players

that they can be drag queens

they can be whatever they want.

And that's not something to really look down upon.

That's actually something to embrace

and say that's fine.

EAMMON: Day two and the Steelers are still in with a chance

if they win their next two games.

And just thinking about what Drew was saying

about embracing who you are

and sometimes the hardest person to convince

is yourself.

SIMON: I'm thinking I'm about to talk about ...

I guess because it's relevant ...

depression ... you know?

which

I'm not like ...

You want to be kind of proud, don't you right?

You told me you were filming and stuff

and do I want, like, a documentary about ...

where I'm talking about my depression.

Not really.

But it is part ...

It is part of the ...

It is part of the story.

EAMMON: Simon grew up in Birmingham,

an industrial city

and not the easiest of places to come out.

After moving to London

he eventually started telling his friends

and their support was mostly overwhelming.

But the situation with his childhood friend Jack

hadn't improved.

Simon got himself into a muddle

and pulled away from everything he loved,

including rugby,

and he almost quit the sport he loved to altogether.

But then searching the internet, one day

he stumbled across the Steelers

and he decided to give it a go.

SIMON: There was a couple of weeks while I was training ...

I wasn't even at work.

I was off work, sick,

lying on the floor most of the day.

Could hardly get out of the flat

and then just be waiting

for six o'clock to come

and I could get my boots on

and get out to play rugby.

And that's how it was for the first couple months.

But it did ...

it made me smile, you know

and I was so quiet when I started.

I was like ... people were like 'oh'

People now ...

cause they were like ...

they look back ... and they were like

you were quiet when you started

I was always really quiet.

I was just there to play rugby

and just experience it.

Also I was excited because I knew

that it was a turning moment.

Rugby ...

It sounds like it's a bloody religion

when I say it this way

but I'd started to question rugby

which is nuts

because I played rugby since I was seven years old.

When I got to the rugby club

and it was bringing out all the best of me

but I was still depressed

I was lying on the floor, you know?

I'd then used up my entire deck of cards, right?

And this is where I think

I finally realised that I was ...

you know, would be diagnosed with depression, was ...

I had my rugby back.

I had everything on paper was then fine again

but I was still feeling really low.

So, um...

Yeah, I remember. It was weird.

I was ...

Bit of a theme.

I was lying on the floor in the flat

and my friend kept ringing me and saying,

"Have you called the doctor?"

And I was like, yeah, I'll do it in ten minutes.

I'll do it in ten minutes.

It was the middle of the day.

I wasn't at work and he's like phoning me up.

And he goes, "I found the number that you need to dial,

you need to dial this number, just dial it."

And he sent it to me.

And I'm like okay, I'm on going to dial it.

Ten minutes later, "Have you dialed it?"

No, no ...

I will be forever grateful for that guy

because he phoned the number in the end

he got me the appointment for the next day

and he said, "Get yourself to the doctors,"

and I felt this like weight lifted.

I told him how I'd been feeling

for the last 18 months prior.

And he said, "It's a shame that you've come to me now."

"You've definitely been depressed."

By that point, I was just ready. Tell me what to do?!

And it'd spent 18 months saying

no anti-depressants - none of that stuff.

I started on a course of antidepressants then.

The psychiatrist said to me

"Once you've got through that first month,

you're gonna be chatting to people in the lift

and on the bus,"

and I was like no mate you have no idea.

I'm not going be talking to people in the lift.

And I'll never forget, three months later

going into work, "hey, how's it going?"

Then I caught myself ... oh, it's that thing.

SIMON: How are you feeling Jono?

JONO: I had a wank this morning so I feel great. No, no ...

- No, how you feeling about the game? - Ah ... yeah ... you know.

- How many Bingham's you played?

- 4th Bingham mate.

SIMON: So I now advocate anti-depressants.

I mean, it's weird now I'm talking about it

it feels fine.

I've tried to do my best best to tell people.

I don't see anything wrong with it

and eventually I hope to get off them.

Obviously I had a happy life

up until a couple of years ago, so ...

Should be okay.

EAMMON: I didn't realise how many scars I had

until after I left school

got away from the bullying

came out and everyone was accepting.

But I still didn't feel happy.

Like Simon,

like so many gay people

despite putting on a smile, I was depressed.

There were many days

where I couldn't get out of bed.

I graduated law school and got a great job.

But during work sometimes

I would just burst into tears

for no reason.

I couldn't handle it.

So I quit.

And I started working at a TV station where a friend worked

and eventually got a job as a reporter.

And I thought, great.

My dream job.

Finally, I'll be happy.

But still, suicidal thoughts kept knocking on the door.

and more than once I even wrote

a goodbye note.

And the only thing stopping me

was the devastation

that it would cause my family.

Again, like Simon, I started taking anti-depressants

and when it levelled me out

I finally realised

that I needed to stop trying to do things

that I thought would make other people like me.

So I quit my job again.

I packed up my life.

And I moved to London.

And that's where I found the Steelers.

NIC: As a team, we need more from you.

OK? hold yourself to really high standards.

EAMMON: So just two games left

until the semi-finals.

Next up, the Manchester Village Spartans.

So these two teams share a rich history.

In fact, in '98, three years after the Steelers formed,

the Spartans became the world's

second gay rugby team.

And a year on, they held a history making rugby match

between two gay teams.

The world was slowly becoming more

accepting of gay people,

and these two clubs were doing their bit,

one game of rugby at a time.

And there were a few surprises.

First, it was a surprise to many of the straight teams

that a gay team could actually be quite good.

And second, it was a surprise,

well, at least to the Steelers,

that they didn't experience much,

if any, homophobia on the pitch.

So starting with London's King's Cross Steelers,

with the Manchester Village Spartans

coming next ...

a movement was beginning.

Teams from around the world were forming.

From Washington

to Wellington, San Francisco.

And from those humble beginnings,

there are now 60 gay clubs around the world

with more than two thousand

queer rugby players.

And for me, this is what makes it so special.

Everyone here, every player

has gone through that same struggle

realising they're different

and coming to terms with it.

Take Matt, for example.

He's from a devout religious family in Ireland

and he was working on a missionary ship in Asia

and texting a guy who was helping him

come to terms with his sexuality

when he accidently messaged

the entire conversation

to his congregation.

They wanted him to go to counselling

and stand up in front of the entire ship and confess.

But Matt refused.

And if being outed in this way

wasn't bad enough

they then kicked him off the boat at the next port

without a cent to his name

alone, to find his own way home.

In this moment, on this pitch

to this team, he is nothing

but a champion.

And that's something that everyone

deserves to feel.

Final score, Steelers - 52

the Spartans nil.

So two wins, one loss

and only one game to go

until the knockouts.

MATT: I was trying to step

but my hamstring kept kind of tugging.

So I just just started pushing people

and it was like the slowest try ever.

But we got there.

NIC: Push out. Three seconds.

3, 2, 1.

SAM: Feeling really good ... it's um ...

the spirits definitely picked up.

It's nice to be back on a winning streak

after the first game.

Miles: So how many shots have we got at this?

SAM: He's not a trained actor.

EAMMON: So now for a bit of downtime.

Take one.

MILES: You good to go?

- Hey Sam, you look like you've been through the wars man.

- Yeah. I think I'm gonna be full mummy

by the end of tomorrow.

- One more?

- Do it again.

- I can't do this.

- You ever had a nice massage boy?!

MORGAN: I'm just gonna stretch, sorry.

- Guys, guys.

- No, bend and snap.

EAMMON: Take two.

- Hey Sam, you look like you've been through the wars.

- Um, yeah. I think I'm going to be a full mummy.

JONO: Miles always chatting shit, ay?

- Don't ever offend me again.

- Guys, you know you boy's filming here?

SIMON: Yeah that's why we're here.

- Oh you're happy now?

EAMMON: And ... take three.

- Hey Sam how are you feeling?

You look like you've been through the wars.

- Yeah. I think I'm going to be a full mummy

by the end of tomorrow.

- We good?

- So terrible! So terrible!

Sounds so staged.

EAMMON: Yeah.

So inside a little less acting,

a little more relaxing.

DREW: Sorry. Just trying to zone out for a little while.

EAMMON: Feeling alright? How you feeling?

DREW: I'm feeling fine.

Just trying to, like, chill.

I know it's going to be a big boy game.

So my body will definitely hurt afterwards.

MORGAN: Yeah it will girl. Yeah it will.

NIC: Feeling a bit nervous.

I think our backs are up against the wall, really.

We've had quite a few injuries

and a few people are hanging on by a hamstring.

I think their confidence

is a thin veil

under a lot of worrying

and lack of self belief.

EAMMON: The San Diego Armada next.

If we beat them, we'make it

to the semi-final.

Try after try,

the Steelers continue their winning streak.

So now after this match,

they're top four in the world.

Through to the semi-finals.

NIC: The reason why we got to this position right now

is because you chose to take the game

to them.

You chose to play

our game.

EAMMON: And as fate would have it,

our opponent for the semi-final

is our biggest rival.

The team that beat us in the first game.

The Sydney Convicts.

SIMON: Personal apology from me

for being quite negative in the second half.

I'll sought it out for the next game.

DREW: proud of you all.

Keep going.

NIC: Now I'm asking you for more, OK?

I'm asking you for more. OK?

Play your game. OK?

Play our game.

Brilliant.

ROB: Get your hands in. Get your hands in.

3, 2, 1, Steelers!

NIC: Yeah don't ask Jono.

SIMON D: Broke my shoe.

Looks like we're gonna

come up against Convicts again.

They only beat us 12-3

and I'm pretty sure they only put a lot more points

on other people.

We know the game they're going to play.

It's going to be aggressive.

So we just need to be up ahead of that this time.

EAMMON: How exciting. Top 4!

CASPAR: Very exciting. That was the goal we set ourselves.

I would say anything now

is just a cherry on top.

But we want more.

ROB: That is disgusting.

Don't film.

No one wants to see this!

MILES: Switch it off. Switch it off.

Switch it off.

DREW: It's a bit shit

we're playing against the Convicts again.

But I guess we have to play them again anyway.

I can see your religion.

STEVE: What have you got against my waist?

SIMON: I'm fine. I was shouting at the referees

and I said I wouldn't do that.

I was shouting at them bad.

I actually know that guy's sister.

And I met him just then

for the first time on the pitch.

That was supposed to be my personal goal.

So not too good.

I'm going to try and find him

and apologise and start a blank sheet tomorrow.

EAMMON: Mate, you said you were

a bit down this morning

but I see that big smile.

JONO: He's a lot better on camera than me.

- Yeah I was ... rugby helps, hey.

Yeah, no. I'm good.

SIMON: You know, one of the hardest ...

moments definitely in my life so far

was recovering myself from depression.

Feeling like myself again.

I remember probably just the moment

I was thinking, oh, I'm feeling myself again.

It was week. I think I had a week of that.

And then ...

I was actually doing counselling at the time

and I'd done my 15th out of 16 sessions

and we'd gone all the way through.

And I'd learnt so much about myself, you know.

And I just had to write a letter or something

to summarise this is what I've learnt.

And I was feeling like, wrap it up and put it away.

Yeah, it was a sad week.

My dad was ...

became ill.

You know, he'd had a tumour in his bowel

for the best part of two years, they think.

He was in surgery on Monday

for about seven or eight hours,

and we were sat there.

And the weirdest thing, right.

My, my sister's heavily pregnant

and

oh she came over to try and see Dad

and see if he's out of his operation.

And she just whispered in my ear.

She said, "My waters have broken."

And I was like, what?

And she said "Yeah."

And I was like where?

She's like "No, no, it's calm."

"It is a trickle," she said.

Sorry for that. Sorry, sorry, sorry.

That's not good for film.

Her water broke while my dad was in the operation.

Then my mum got in the lift.

I was doing my work in the corridor

and I got a message from my sister's partner

saying Isabelle Florence Wise Jones

has just been born.

I fucking threw the laptop down,

ran to the stairs,

ran down the stairs, and by the time

I got the two flights of stairs down

my mom was there in tears sobbing.

EAMMON: Simon's dad survived the surgery

and Simon flew straight here.

SIMON: Yeah, here we are.

It's kind of weird.

It's kind of weird, right?

They've seen how much this season

has meant to me.

So I think it would be nice to

take a picture on Sunday afternoon

and then send them

send them a picture of us with our ...

with our trophy

That would be cool.

SIMON: I want to kind of ...

I wanna win it, right?

I mean, we're not allowed to say that

because it's every game

it's every game.

But I want to win this rugby tournament.

And I want to contribute ...

I want to contribute to that.

I want ... I want to be

a big part of that.

EAMMON: I know that feeling.

Wanting to contribute.

Wanting to be a big part of something.

Wanting to belong.

EAMMON: I remember my first training session with the Steelers.

I was overweight and unfit.

And we warmed up running around the oval

and I was about a lap behind everyone.

I didn't want to give up, though

to embarrass myself in front of everyone.

And as I was coming around

finishing the last lap, the whole club

was standing there clapping,

cheering me on.

Something like that

had never happened to me before.

And I remember my first game.

I was so nervous.

But it all started coming back to me

from when I was 12.

I broke through and I scored

the most tries of the match.

And afterward at the pub

people were patting me on the back

coming up to me, congratulating me,

wanting to get to know me.

And I remember thinking

this was one of the best days

of my life.

EAMMON: Day three.

Up next, the semi-final against the Sydney Convicts.

MATT: So annoying because they got that wee skinny winger.

CHRIS: How are the wingers?

- He does not look 40, but he's 40.

and he's just really lanky and skinny.

DREW: I think he's like the first

daddy twink I've ever met.

- No, I mean, he's like the definition of a twink as well.

But he's 40.

- Daddy.

- Yeah, it's crazy.

- A twink daddy?

- Twonk? He's not a Twonk.

- Twatty?

ALL: He's a Twitty!

- Might want to throw up.

- Oh, really?

- Couldn't eat.

I had to like force down my banana.

- Did you sleep okay?

- Somewhat.

- All my thoughts, all my dreams

were all rugby, specifically this game.

But it's good. It's good.

- I had a dream that one of them

booted me in in the head

and then I just went feral.

- All my dreams were related to

fighting people as well.

EAMMON: So if you go by points,

these two teams are the strongest

in the tournament.

And it's unfortunate that they're meeting again

in the semi-finals.

Whoever wins this will surely go on

to win the entire competition.

DREW: Kind of our time to redeem ourselves

and show them that we can actually beat them.

It's a beatable game.

EAMMON: what would that mean to you?

DREW: Mean fucking the world to me.

World to everybody actually, all of us.

EAMMON: And how are you feeling about yourself?

SIMON: I don't at this moment. I don't know, mate.

You know when you're unsure?

I'll let you know after the game.

We are in... we are in with a shot.

A good shot.

EAMMON: How are the kind of nerves

because you spoke about how you get very nervous.

NIC: Not bad yet it's always just 10 minutes beforehand.

I feel calm. Feeling relaxed.

I'm really excited.

I'm genuinely excited.

I think for me, the bigger the game the better.

NIC: In some ways, I felt like

maybe Steelers would have been

one of the only clubs

to have given me the opportunity

to be Director of Rugby.

So

and I'm really sad

that that's the case.

And I'm really sad that even now,

we went to Elford Wanderers in the Cup final in Essex

and one of the dignitaries from the league

went straight up to Alex and spoke to Alex.

And I was like, actually this is our

Director of Rugby.

So I feel like I'm still needed to be

validated by men.

I've been the physio.

I've been the water girl.

The referee often doesn't recognise me

so will go straight to Alex

because obviously he's in charge.

So

I feel those daily struggles.

And I don't think the players see it

because they've gone past seeing me as a female

and they just see me as the coach.

So for them

my gender is invisible to them.

I'm just Nic.

But for me, it's always ...

it's always sitting there with me.

So I always feel judged.

I always feel that

I have to do a better job than other people

to be able to say

I'm okay as a coach.

ALEX: So starting 15 for the semi-final

against the Sydney Convicts is

Drew McDowell at lose head.

NIC: I don't think results

validate who I am

I think the relationship I have

with majority of the players

in the whole club

validates who I am as a coach.

I feel like I'm appreciated as a coach

throughout the club

not just in the first team.

But I want that to happen

in the outside world.

So

I think if

if we won the Bingham Cup

I could go home

and I could say

that I have the best ...

I have coached the best gay team

in the world.

And I think

yeah, I'd feel pretty proud of that.

EAMMON: that's beautiful.

NIC: Aggression. Brutality. Communication.

Give me A, B, C.

That's all I want from you

for 40 minutes.

ABC. Aggression.

Brutality at the contact.

Communication with each other.

You can focus on that as you walk down.

Those three things.

Nothing changes here.

PLAYER: This is what it feels like!

This is what it smells like!

Here we go Steelers!

This is our game! This is our tournament!

PLAYER: We have made promises to ourselves!

We have made promises to each other!

And today we fucking deliver on those promises!

EAMMON: Here we are. Face to face

with our toughest competition.

The biggest thing standing between us

and the Bingham Cup.

It's another brutal game.

But we push them back.

And then the ball goes loose over our try line.

The Convicts pick it up.

But we rip it from them

and score the first try.

The Convicts fight back.

But we stumble.

And you can see just how much this means

to each and every one of us.

Half time comes and we manage to hold the lead.

CAPTAIN: Keep that in your head.

Do not think this is done.

PLAYER: We are getting tired now.

ALEX: Blast them away.

There is more to come.

More to come for you guys

in the next 20 minutes.

ALL: 3, 2, 1, Steelers!

EAMMON: The Convicts score.

And they score again.

Our boys play their hearts out.

But it's not enough.

Full time.

And the Kings Cross Steelers

are knocked out of the Bingham Cup.

EAMMON: are you proud of what you've done

for the club?

NIC: No.

I think

I would have liked to have given them

the Binghma Cup as the final hurrah.

They deserved that.

The boys deserved that

the amount of work they put in.

And you know, I feel

really connected to the boys

to the team, to the squad

as individuals.

And I felt

that they deserved that place

in that final.

And in terms of their ability

they were in that game.

That game was for winning.

PLAYER: The game is done.

There is nothing that we can do

to fix anything.

So now is not the time for recriminations.

What the moment is now

is for the fucking pride we should take

in the performance that we put in.

Not just today, but on the first day

and on the second day.

And for the whole of the fucking season.

The work rate

the effort you boys put in for me today

was fucking outstanding.

You hold your heads high.

You can have your fucking cry

when you have your cry.

But for the next fucking day,

I want your heads held high.

Be proud of the good things

that you've done on this tour.

You remember those fucking good things.

We said we'd slap each other on the back

for the good things that we've done.

Make sure you go to somebody,

anybody and say

one fucking good thing, guys.

SIMON: I definitely did myself proud

and also I'll learn from some of the things

that I could do better.

So it's great.

And I'm going home and my dad's

going to be at the hospital in a couple of days

and my sister's got a baby.

And we got to the semi-final

of the Bingham Cup.

Finish with that yeah?

EAMMON: You did the club proud, mate.

You had an undefeated season

and you're top four in Bingham.

I think you did the club

bloody proud.

ROB: Yeah. I hope this year goes down

in a bit of Steelers history.

NIC: I think it's really selfish

because for me it's my ending.

And I wanted that fairy tale princess ending.

EAMMON: It's a bit selfish, too,

because I wanted that same

fairy tale ending for this documentary.

I wanted it to be our boys on that podium.

But actually, if you think about it

that's not how life goes.

More often than not, it doesn't turn out

how you want.

But that's where the opportunity lies.

Three weeks ago, I got a concussion

that ruled me out from playing

in this competition

and I was devastated.

But then I never would have

picked up this camera

filmed from the sidelines

and this story would have never been told.

If I didn't get bullied as a kid,

well, maybe I wouldn't have

a fighting spirit.

If I didn't pick up that rugby ball

when I was 12 years old

even though I hated sport

well, then I never would have

joined the Steelers.

I wouldn't have met my incredible husband, John,

and got married.

Something I never thought

would happen to me.

And if that very first gay rugby team

25 years ago simply gave up

when the majority of straight teams

refused to play them ...

then who knows how many

thousands of gay lives would be less rich

because of it?

NIC: I hope that some of them

will feel that I have

changed them as a coach.

That I've moved them on

and some of them maybe that's a nudge.

Some of them maybe they feel like

that's big steps.

But I hope

that the majority of my players feel that

I've made them

a better person.

DREW: I don't fit in any one cup or mold.

To me, that's just a B.S.

kind of attitude to have

that we as gay men have to

fit this kind of category

this mold that

if you're a bear you have to be

big and brawny and blah, blah, blah.

If you're a twink, you have to be

really flamboyant.

Whoever you are,

whatever type of person you are,

that's you.

That's being your authentic self.

SIMON: I'll never forget this rugby season.

And just when I was about to

walk away from rugby

but something told me

no, rugby can still help you.

Then the club, and this season

saved my life ...

probably saved my life.

And that's not ...

I don't say that ...

without careful thought.

EAMMON: So for me

this isn't a coming out story

or a story about winning a tournament

or even about being gay.

It's a story about

searching for where you belong

and never giving up

because you just might find happiness

where you least expect.