Original subtitles

Downloaded from YTS.MX

*

Official YIFY movies site: YTS.MX

* Music

[Voiceover:] We go through life

self-absorbed,

childish,

oblivious to how deadly the world can be.

* Music

[gasps]

[Ted:] Come on, Johnny!

[Johnny:] I'm thinking!

This game isn't as easy for some of us.

[Ted:] Oh my God, just say anything.

Never have I ever...

[Johnny:] Okay, uh...

Never have I ever slept with a homeless man.

[Michael:] [laughs] We both know that's not true.

[Johnny:] Aw, Mikey. Sleeping beauty awake.

[Ted:] Don't change the subject.

Do tell.

[Michael:] Remember two summers ago,

you picked up that homeless guy on Santa Monica,

like 3 A.M.

[Johnny:] He was not homeless.

[Michael:] He was carrying around bags

of bottles and cans!

[Johnny:] So?

He was an environmentalist.

[Ted:] And I guess that makes you recycled goods.

[laughter]

Thank you!

[Michael:] That was Johnny's summer of love.

[Ted:] Oh.

[Michael:] You know, it was his goal

to sleep with every man in West Hollywood.

[Johnny:] Mission accomplished.

[chuckles] And the wank bank is still full.

[laughter]

What are you laughing about?

You made a couple deposits that summer.

[Michael:] All right, Ted. Your turn.

[Ted:] Oh, okay, um...

Never have I ever done...

Oh...

Anything daring. At all.

[Johnny:] Wonk, wonk.

That's why you're coming with us.

We're gonna make a man out of you yet.

[Ted:] Okay. [Johnny:] Here we go.

[Michael:] Do we need gas?

[Johnny:] Cigarettes.

[Ted:] Oh, you know smoking causes cancer.

[Johnny:] Uh, not as much as the second-hand smoke

you're about to inhale.

[Ted:] Rude. Have we met?

* Music

[Johnny:] Phew, what do we have here?

[Michael:] Don't start.

They probably hang our kind out here.

[Johnny:] Oh, consider me hung.

[Ted:] Oh, I'd let him fill me up with premium.

[Johnny:] If there's any room left.

[Michael:] Johnny?

Johnny?

[Johnny:] What?

[Michael:] Don't you have cigarettes to buy?

[Johnny:] Oh, I'm gonna need a cigarette after this.

[Michael:] And hurry up.

* Music

[Man:] Hey boss, I gotta ring you up.

[Johnny:] Thought you'd never ask.

[Ted:] Oh, I see.

His new goal is every man east of the Mississippi.

[scoffs]

* Music

Oh, he didn't even take his wallet or phone.

* Music

No way. No way.

They are going to the bathroom together.

He didn't even finish pumping this guy's gas!

How does he do it?

[Michael:] Do what?

[Ted:] Get so many guys.

It's like he puts a spell on them or something.

[Michael:] Please!

They can just smell the desperation.

* Music

[Ted:] Well, all I'm saying is that sometimes

I wish I had a little bit of his skill, all right?

[Michael:] Skill? Let me see this.

* Music

That's what I thought.

[Ted:] That little slut!

* Music

[moaning]

* Music

[Man:] Shit!

* Music

[Ted:] Oh my God! [Johnny:] Time to go.

[Ted:] Shit. [Michael:] What did you do?

[tires screeching]

[Man:] Oh, fuck!

* Music

[Michael:] You're gonna fuck up my transmission.

[Johnny:] Don't I always?

[laughter]

[Michael:] You're gonna pay for that.

* Music

[Johnny:] Pull over here.

[Michael:] Come on, Johnny!

At this point we're never gonna make it to New york.

[Johnny:] The railroad track. Pull ahead.

[Michael:] No, I can't. [Johnny:] Pull over!

[Michael:] Fine. Fine.

Fine. Fine.

[Johnny:] Now, you're not gonna believe this.

Live a little!

[Ted:] Yay!

[laughter]

[Johnny:] All right, I'm not sure if it's coming that way.

I think it's coming from that way.

[car door opens]

[Michael:] And how are these train tracks different

than any of the other ones we've passed

in the last week and a half?

[Johnny:] [groans] Mikey! Mikey, Mikey.

Why are you being such a buzz kill?

[Michael:] Look, I get it.

You wanna see every little ant hill and asshole,

but I was hoping we'd be in Manhattan tonight.

[Johnny:] What is the rush?

Manhattan is going nowhere, okay?

And maybe you don't wanna see these beautiful Amish women,

but Ted and I do. Okay?

So, it's not all about you.

[Michael:] About me?

[Johnny:] Yeah, I get it. You got your heart broken.

You got screwed over. We're doing a fresh start.

So fucking lighten up. Have a little fun.

[Ted:] Yeah, and besides my dad gave me the credit card

so we have tons of money for gas and hotels and food.

So we might as well see as much as we can.

[sighs]

[Johnny:] Get into it!

[Ted laughs]

* Music

[train horn sounds]

[shouting indistinctly]

[laughter]

[camera shutter clicks]

[Ted:] So worth it.

[Michael:] Great, we'll make postcards.

[laughter]

* Music

[Johnny:] Oh look, another strip mall.

[Ted:] Manhattan looked different in the brochure.

[Johnny:] [making singing sounds].

[Michael:] We're running a little bit

behind schedule, guys.

[Johnny:] Ugh.

[Michael:] Thanks to all the pit stops.

According to my calculations

we've got another five hours to go till we hit Manhattan.

[Johnny:] [groans] If you had driven

like a [indistinct] we'd be closer.

[Ted:] Ooh, do you think there are any gay bars here?

[Johnny:] Hello, rule of fives.

[Ted:] What the hell is the rule of five?

[Michael:] Ugh, Johnny has this saying

that every fifth man is gay.

[Johnny:] Yep, whether they know it or not.

[Michael:] Well, since we're only sleeping here tonight

we don't have to test your theory.

[Johnny:] Uh, grandma, you can stay in.

I'm gonna find the rodeo.

[Ted:] Ooh, yeah, yeah, yeah!

And besides, maybe we can see Johnny get hogtied.

[Michael:] Won't be the first time.

[laughter]

[Johnny:] I can last longer than eight seconds.

* Music

[rap music playing]

[Receptionist:] Shit! Why the fuck--

[Michael:] Uh, excuse me? [Receptionist:] What?

[Michael:] I just need a room.

[Receptionist:] In this dump? Are you serious?

[Michael:] Just for one night.

[Receptionist:] Is it ever anything else?

[Michael:] Um...

[Receptionist:] All right, sign here.

* Music

[Johnny:] Come on, come on.

Yes!

* Music

Jackpot!

[phone beeps]

* Music

[sighs]

* Music

[music parodying shower scene from "Psycho"]

[Ted:] Eek, eek, eek!

[Michael:] Oh God! Get that away from me.

[laughter]

[Johnny:] Stop going through my suitcase.

[Ted:] You don't wanna know what else I found in there.

[thud] [Michael:] Come on.

[laughter]

[music playing from headphones]

[Michael:] Don't read that,

you're gonna give yourself nightmares.

[Johnny:] I'm just trying to find the part

that says gays are evil.

But all I can find

are complaints about uncircumcised men.

God, it's like some bitchy queen wrote this.

[thud]

Looking tasty, Mikey.

You're gonna fit right in with us Chelsea queens.

[Michael:] Why is he so happy?

[Johnny:] Ah, he was annoying me so I gave him

a couple bumps to keep him occupied.

[Michael:] I hope you're kidding.

[Ted:] Oh, T minus 24 hours till we're in New York City.

Broadway. VIP tours.

Penthouses. And East Coast boys.

Mmm.

[Johnny:] I just want a hedge fund manager.

Someone who can afford to put me in one of those

high-end rehab clinics in a couple of years.

[Michael:] You're so delusional.

[Ted:] And when you've recovered?

[Johnny:] When I recover, he can die,

leave me all his money,

and then I can start the downward spiral all over again.

[Ted:] Mmh-hm. [laughter]

[Michael:] Well, girls. Hate to break up the slumber party

but I'm about to hit the hay.

[Ted:] Oh, no, no, no!

We actually have an idea.

[Michael:] Well, Johnny, you can tell me

when we wake up at 6 A.M.

[Johnny:] Well, this being the last night of our road trip.

[Michael:] Oh, God willing.

[Johnny:] It's kind of like an end of a chapter.

[Michael:] Yep. Roll credits.

[Johnny:] No, no, no.

[Michael:] I knew this was coming.

[Johnny:] Just a couple of drinks.

[Michael:] No! Absolutely not.

[Johnny:] What, absolutely not? Just once.

[Michael:] Just once, Johnny?

All we've been doing is partying across the country.

If it weren't for your little ideas

we'd be in Manhattan by now.

I only have one week left of vacation,

and unlike some of us, I have a job.

I have bills to pay. And you know what?

I need my insurance.

[Ted:] Well, we just wanted to take you out to say thank you.

I know that Johnny and I, well mostly Johnny,

have kind of been assholes this trip.

Then you've picked up the slack. So--

[Michael:] Save it, Ted.

[Ted:] Well-- And Johnny and I are going to split

the rest of the driving to New York City.

[Michael:] You really expect me to believe that?

[Ted:] Please?

[Michael:] [groans] All right!

Only if you guys drive me home.

And before 1 A.M.

[Ted:] Yes! [laughter]

[Johnny:] Let's get laid!

[Michael:] Looks like someone got a cell phone reception.

[Johnny:] It's called the Lion's Den.

[growls]

[Michael:] God, help me.

* Music

[Michael:] You've got to be kidding me.

[Ted:] What? You were expecting bottle service?

[Michael:] I was expecting a jukebox

and maybe a couple truckers.

[Johnny:] You always were a lot lizard.

[car door opens]

* Music

[Michael:] We're not really going in there are we?

[Ted:] Oh, come on. Just for a few drinks.

Think of it as an ethnic experience...

[car door opens]

* Music

[Ted:] Oh, we just entered the seventh circle of hell.

[Johnny:] It's cute. [Michael:] I need a drink.

[Johnny:] That's the spirit.

[Betty:] $5 cover.

And I need to see your IDs.

Oh, not you, sweetie, you can go on in.

[Michael and Ted laughs]

[Frank:] What can I get for you?

[Johnny:] Two whiskey cokes and one just coke.

You bottom or top?

[Frank:] What was that?

[Johnny:] I said, fill 'em to the top.

And put it on my tab.

[Frank:] Michael, huh?

[Johnny:] You can call me Mikey.

[Frank:] Right.

* Music

[Ted:] Phew, you smell that?

That's testosterone.

[Michael:] I smell something.

[Frank:] Two whiskey cokes.

One just coke.

[Michael:] Just coke?

[Johnny:] I have a long drive ahead of me tomorrow.

You underestimate me, Mikey.

To enjoying the ride.

[Man over speaker:] Ladies and gents,

we ask that you please clear the dance floor at this time.

The Lion's Den is proud to present

the lioness that roars louder than the rest,

the best of the west, the mouth of the south,

hotter than an jalapeno, Darla St. James.

[cheering and applause]

[Darla:] All this for little old me?

[cheering and applause]

* He don't have a fancy apartment in the sky *

* He don't have a shiny car to take a ride *

* He don't have a 401K stashed away *

* But he's got something better than that I must say *

* He's got his hands, hands, hands *

* all over me, all over me *

* He's got his hands, hands, hands *

* all over me, all over me *

* Got his hands, hands, hands *

* all over me, all over me *

* And baby that's the only thing a woman really needs *

[Johnny:] Oh, you know she just made his year.

[Darla sings:] * He don't need no boat

* no plane, or even a cigar

* A [indistinct] paycheck wouldn't get him very far *

* He knows a little trick that always make the ladies smile *

[Darla continues to sing indistinctly]

[mouths words]

[singing continues]

[laughter]

* all over me, all over me *

* Baby that's the only thing a woman really needs *

* He's got his hands, hands, hands *

* all over me all over me. *

* He's got his hands, hands, hands *

* all over me, all over me *

* He's got his hands, hands, hands *

* all over me, all over me *

[Johnny:] That is some kind of pussy in the lion's den.

[music stops] [cheering and applause]

[music starts playing again]

[Johnny:] You could at least have pretended to like it.

[Michael:] What was I supposed to do with a woman?

[Johnny:] You're asking me?

[Ted:] You were like a deer in headlights.

[Darla:] He's not the first man to be stunned by my headlights.

The name's Darla, and I believe I owe you a drink.

[Michael:] Uh, Michael. Don't worry about it.

[Darla:] In that case,

I'm gonna need another drink of my own.

It's getting late and I'm far too sober.

Ah.

[laughter]

What are three handsome men like you doing

without a trio of pretty ladies to match?

[chuckles]

Ah, I thought you three looked out of place.

[Johnny:] Yeah, what gave us away?

[Darla:] Well, the shirt's a starter.

[Michael:] I told you not to wear that.

[Darla:] [laughs] So what brings three fancy boys like you

out to this dump?

[Ted:] We're traveling across the country

from L.A. to New York.

[Darla:] Well, well, well.

You just got sick of all that sunshine

and handsome men out on the West Coast?

[Johnny:] No, the handsome men just got sick of me.

[Ted:] We thought it was time to explore

our opportunities on the East Coast.

[Darla:] Oh.

What about you, you're awfully quiet.

[Man:] Hey Darla, get on over here.

Let's get a shot of whiskey.

[Darla:] Oh Bob, just a second.

[Michael:] Guys, I think I need a bathroom break.

It's been really great talking with you, Darla.

[Darla:] He's a mysterious one, isn't he?

[Ted:] Yeah, he's had a long day.

[Darla:] [chuckles] Well, to long days and longer nights.

Woop! [laughs]

Now, if you boys don't mind,

I think I'll go thank that gentleman for the drink.

You boys be careful in a place like this.

[Johnny:] Don't worry, Darla, I always carry protection.

[chuckles]

[Ted:] So do you think he's coming back.

[Johnny:] Let's hope not. Boring.

[Ted:] No, he just needs to get laid.

[Johnny:] Or we could always perk him up. Tina's here!

[Ted:] Oh my God, Johnny, put that away.

[Johnny:] [scoffs] More for me.

[farting sounds]

[applause]

[Ted:] Maybe we should call it a night?

[Johnny:] It's him.

[Ted:] It's who?

No way.

[Johnny:] It has to be.

[Ted:] Wait, is that why you were so eager

to come out tonight?

[Johnny:] Look, look! He's looking.

[Ted:] And you're looking for a hate crime.

There's no way you're going home with him tonight.

[Johnny:] Watch me.

[Ted:] Johnny...

Johnny, no!

Shit.

[Johnny:] You know, you look better in person.

[Bruno:] What did you say to me?

[Johnny:] I said, haven't we met at a glory hall before?

[band members gasp]

[Ted:] Hey, hey, hey.

[smack] [crowd gasps]

[Betty:] Bruno!

I made it perfectly clear to you,

no more fighting in my bar.

[Bruno:] Well, I was just minding my own business 'til

Tinkerbell and his bodyguard started fucking with me.

[Betty:] Yeah, well, you have until I count to three

to get the hell outta here,

or I'm gonna put you up there next to my 8-point buck!

[Bruno:] They started it!

[Betty:] Do you need help with this, Bruno?

One...

[Bruno:] Fucking piss hole!

[Betty:] Two..

[Bruno:] [indistinct] bitch!

[Betty:] Yeah? Get to stuff it.

Show's over, everyone.

[crowd murmurs]

[Michael:] Aw, shit, you're bleeding.

[Ted:] I think I'll be all right.

[Johnny:] Just put some whiskey on it.

[Michael:] No more whiskey. We're leaving.

[Johnny:] He's fine. [Michael:] He's not fine!

He just got punched in the face.

[Johnny:] He's not a baby, loosen up.

[Michael:] That's really easy to say

when everyone else takes the fall for you.

We're going back to the motel.

[Johnny:] [sighs] Fuck off, Michael.

You know, don't blame me for all your problems.

Some of us wanna live.

Not like you who get your heart broken

and thinks it's all over.

[Michael:] [scoffs] Heartbreak? Fuck you!

[Johnny:] I'm not going.

[Michael:] This would've been cute about 15 years ago.

[Johnny:] Yeah, well, you're not gonna ruin my night.

[Michael:] Just get in, you old hag.

[Johnny:] Old hag? Really?

Is that all you got in your arsenal? Old hag?

[Ted:] Just get in, Johnny.

[Michael:] [chuckles] You know,

I got a theory about why you keep stalling us on this trip.

[Johnny:] Enlighten me.

[Michael:] You're afraid to go back to L.A.

[Johnny:] [scoffs] Why?

[Michael:] You keep saying that this trip is about me.

That poor little Michael needs a break from his pathetic life,

but we both know this is just as much an escape for you.

[Johnny:] What the fuck are you talking about?

[Michael:] What am I talking about?

You are a 36 year old man running around

like you're an 18 year old party boy!

Look at yourself!

[Johnny:] Last I looked, I was doing just fine!

[Michael:] If you consider being a slutty, drugged out

party boy, doing just fine, then yeah...

But face it, you're all washed up, Johnny.

* Music

Get in, Ted.

[Johnny:] You know, I got my own theory.

You think it should have been me and not you.

And you look down on me from your pristine little pedestal.

Watch me party, think I should be the one to pay the price.

[mockingly] Poor, little Michael.

Life's not fair.

Cope!

[car door slams shut]

[tires screeching]

* Music

[Johnny:] My tab still open?

Give it to me. Something strong, anything.

Double, triple, 12 times.

Bucket loads. I want the best you've got.

Give it to me good.

* Music

[Michael:] All right...

[Ted:] Ow! [Michael:] Sorry.

[Ted:] Oh God. [Michael:] Sorry.

[Ted:] Well, I guess I won't be making out with any boys

my first night in New York City, huh?

First time I've ever been punched in the face.

[Michael:] How did it feel? [Ted:] It hurt!

A lot. Like, losing my virginity a lot.

[Michael:] See, we are making a man out of you.

[Ted:] Ow, jeez.

[Michael sighs]

Hey, Michael?

[Michael:] Yeah?

What did Johnny mean when he said

you'd be the one to pay the price for it?

[Michael:] [scoffs] It's just Johnny running his mouth.

[Ted:] And...

What are all those pills you keep in your bag?

[Michael:] [sighs]

I'm positive.

[Ted:] How long have you known?

[Michael:] Two months.

It's what happened.

My ex, he cheated on me and he also got me infected.

[Ted:] Holy shit. Why didn't you tell me?

[Michael:] I don't know, maybe I'm in denial,

or maybe the way Johnny reacted made it worse--

[Ted:] Oh come-- I mean, I'm your friend.

[Michael:] Oh, Teddy, I know,

but Johnny and I we go way back.

Back when we were goth, not gay.

He was...

He was my first.

[Ted:] Mine, too. [Michael:] Son of a bitch!

[Ted laughs]

Really?

[Ted:] Just fucking with you.

[laughter]

But you should have seen the look on your face.

Just like my mom.

[Michael:] Look, we worry about you.

I know Johnny and I joke a lot with you

but you really do live in an ivory tower.

Well, an ebony one, anyway.

[Ted:] Oh ho ho!

Well, I mean, that's why

I wanted to come with you guys on this trip.

I know I'm sheltered but I don't wanna be some diva.

I want real life experience.

Even if that means

I have to pay for it with my trust fund.

[Michael:] [chuckles] Well, you got it.

Right in the mouth.

[Ted:] Yeah, I guess I was wondering

what it was like to get punched in the face.

[Michael:] Congratulations.

[speaking indistinctly]

[Frank:] Time to close out, son.

[Johnny:] Yeah, but it should be time to put out.

[Frank:] I beg your pardon?

[Johnny:] [mockingly] I beg your pardon.

[Betty:] Is this going to be a problem?

[Frank:] It's all right, Betty.

I'll close this guy's tab.

Why don't you head out and I'll take the bike home.

[Betty:] Are you sure?

[Frank:] Yeah.

[Betty:] All right. I'll see you at home.

[Frank:] All right, bye.

[Betty:] See you.

* Music

[gasps for air]

[coughs]

[exhales]

[rap music playing]

[bell dings] [Michael:] Hello?

[Receptionist:] Uh, yeah.

[Michael:] Oh. I...

I'm sorry, I didn't mean to wake you.

[Receptionist:] Don't worry about it.

Do you always wake up strangers for entertainment?

[Michael:] [chuckles] No, of course not.

I was just hoping you could tell me what time

bars close in these parts?

[Receptionist:] Uh, about now.

[Michael:] Oh.

[Receptionist:] I mean, I've got some whiskey in the back

if you need a drink that bad.

[Michael:] No, I was--

I left some friends back at the Lion's Den

and I was thinking about going to pick them up.

[Receptionist:] The Lion's Den?

That...

It's kind of a dangerous place for your kind.

[Michael:] My kind?

[Johnny:] Let me ask you a question.

What kind of person drives me here to this godforsaken bar,

and then just lets me come here and miss me,

doesn't even show up, abandons me, like...

[Frank:] I'm sure I don't know.

I appreciate your business, Michael.

[Johnny:] [scoffs] You know, being easy was always easy.

I guess I thought it would last forever.

I don't have a plan for the future.

[chuckles]

But everybody just keeps getting younger

and I'm starting to feel invisible.

[Frank:] How do you intend to get home? Hm?

I'm I gonna have to call the sheriff?

[Johnny:] Oh, that depends.

Is he gonna take me in cuffs?

[Frank snickers]

* Music

[Johnny:] I'm gonna give this motherfucker

a piece of my mind.

I am.

Fuck you.

[cell phone dings]

[Frank:] Now, now, that isn't very polite, Mr. Ass Clown.

[Johnny:] Ah.

* Music

This isn't real.

[Frank:] Seems pretty real to me.

[Johnny:] The whole time?

[Frank:] From the beginning.

[Johnny:] For real?

[Frank:] Didn't we already go over this?

[Johnny:] And you were gonna let me get [indistinct]

by that knuckle dragging caveman asshole?

[Frank:] Who? Bruno?

He's all talk. Kind of like you.

[Johnny:] Trust, this mouth could do a lot more than talk.

[laughter]

[Receptionist:] Just one more.

[Michael:] Really, I shouldn't.

[Receptionist:] Nonsense, come on.

[Michael:] Really, I have to go pick up my friend.

[Receptionist:] Oh, you said yourself you wanted

to have a good time.

Let him swing.

[Michael:] You're right.

To enjoying the ride.

That's good.

So, is it really that obvious?

[Receptionist:] Is what obvious?

[Michael:] You know, that me and my friends were...

[Receptionist:] Californians?

[Michael:] [laughs] Right.

[Receptionist:] Please. I'm straight, not blind.

[laughter]

We welcome all kinds here at the Red Coyote Inn.

As long as you have a credit card.

[Michael:] [laughs] You know,

you're not like the other townsfolk.

[Receptionist:] I'll take that as a compliment.

* Music

[Johnny:] So, your wife doesn't mind

that you lure innocent boys to your bar?

[Frank:] Firstly, I wouldn't call you innocent.

Secondly, I love Betty very much.

She knows that.

[Johnny:] I didn't ask if you loved her.

[Frank:] You may not understand this,

but when you've loved someone a long time

you learn to accept little detours.

[Johnny:] So in other words, she turns a blind eye

as long as you play your part?

[Frank:] [chuckles] You could put it that way.

[Johnny:] So what are you into?

[Frank:] Well, I like mixing drinks, shooting pool,

and late night conversation.

[Johnny:] That's not what I meant.

[Frank:] [sighs] Is that all you came here for?

[Johnny:] I don't sign on to Bender looking for a husband.

[Frank:] Touché.

[Johnny:] So?

[Frank:] So.

Let's just say I'm into some pretty heavy stuff.

[Johnny:] Oh yeah? [Frank:] Yeah.

[Johnny:] Well, I've been around the block a little bit.

Not much surprises me.

[Frank:] I think I can teach you a thing or two.

[Johnny:] Oh really?

[Frank:] Mmh-hm.

[Johnny:] Class is in session, and i'm an apt--

or rapt pupil.

[Frank:] Uh-uh.

First tell me what you are into.

[Johnny:] I've never done it on a straight bar.

[laughter]

[Frank:] But I just wiped her down.

[Johnny:] Yeah, well, uh.

Not much time left,

and I think you've tortured me enough for one night.

[Frank:] We'll see about that.

You know what's wrong with you city guys?

[Johnny:] What?

[Frank:] You're so focused on the destination.

[Johnny:] And what is wrong with that?

[Frank:] For one,

the destination rarely lives up to expectations.

[Johnny:] Aw...

Are you setting me up for disappointment?

[Frank:] Secondly, if you'd stop and think,

you'd notice you're losing the feeling in your legs.

[Johnny:] What did you just say?

[Frank:] There was just a little special ingredient

in that cocktail of yours.

[clattering]

Where you going, Johnny?

The party is just getting started.

[laughter]

[laughter]

[Receptionist:] So the sheriff comes in, right,

with his girlfriend.

[Michael:] No? [Receptionist:] Oh yeah.

I give him his regular room, okay?

Ten minutes later, his wife shows up.

[Michael:] What did you do?

[Receptionist:] She had a boyfriend with her.

[Michael:] Shut up! You're kidding?

[Receptionist:] [laughs] No. So I gave her a room.

[Michael:] You did not.

[Receptionist:] Right next to the sheriff.

[laughter]

[Michael:] Oh god.

* Music

[Johnny:] [coughs]

Where am I?

Michael?

Michael?

Help!

[Betty:] You're awake.

Sorry, to catch you off guard.

[Johnny:] What are you doing to me?

[Betty:] I'm sure I'm not the hookup

you were hoping for tonight.

But don't you worry,

I'm gonna let you and Frank finish up in just a little bit.

Oh, I hope you don't mind.

I helped myself to a bit of your party favors.

[Johnny groans]

[sniffs]

I'm sure you're wondering why on Earth you're here.

Or what I'm doing here.

Let's just say you shouldn't trust everyone

you meet on the internet.

It's a dangerous world out there.

I'm also in here because of a little dilemma

that Frank and I have.

Mmh-hm.

You see, a few years back

Frank and I started to have problems.

I found out...

And I won't say how...

But I found out that Frank here likes men.

Men like you.

At first I didn't understand it,

but then I realized

every relationship has its speed bumps.

Right?

But I know Frank loves me.

And I love Frank.

[Frank moans]

So we learnt to make some compromises.

And that's where you come in.

[Frank moans]

Oh, I almost forgot. Honey...

[Johnny:] No, I don't wanna--

[Betty:] Oh yes, you do. Trust me.

It's for your own good.

The last boy managed to bite right through his own tongue.

Oh, don't worry, we got a roofie cocktail so strong

you won't remember a thing.

See, at first I would just watch.

But then I decided to get a little creative.

Now I control you. This is our favorite part.

[Johnny groans]

[Frank groans]

[Betty:] [laughs] You see?

Now, I get to have a little fun, too.

And Frank just loves the way you clench up like that,

don't you Frank?

[electric buzzing] [Johnny groaning]

[Betty:] Oh come on, baby.

Yeah.

That's it. Yeah.

I love you, Frank.

[Frank:] I love you too, Betty.

[groans]

[Johnny laughs]

[Betty:] Something funny?

[Johnny:] You two are pathetic!

You can't even fuck each other.

[laughter]

[Betty:] Shut up! Learn to trust true love.

It's something you'll never have!

[Johnny choking]

[Frank groans]

Fuck him, Frank! Fuck him!

Teach this little faggot a lesson!

Rip him apart, baby!

Fuck him, Frank.

Get him. Hurt him, baby.

Hurt him! No more games.

Rip him with your cock! Hurt him!

You're not laughing now, are you, you little shit?

Come, baby, come!

Hurt him!

[electric buzzing]

* Music

Yeah, that's my man. Oh yeah, I like that.

Come on, baby, come!

[Frank:] [panting heavily]

Oh shit! We killed him, baby.

We don't wanna kill him.

[Betty:] He's fine. [Frank:] No, he's not.

Get him up.

[Betty:] It's just the drugs. He's passed out, Frank.

[Frank:] What the fuck? [Betty:] Wait a second.

Just let him catch his breath.

[Frank:] Fuck! I'll get him up.

[Betty:] Fine. Turn him on his side.

[Frank:] He's choking. [Betty:] Frank, he's fine.

Stop being a fucking baby. Just roll him on his side.

[Frank:] Get him up!

[Betty:] Frank, you're being dramatic. He's fine.

[smack]

[Betty:] Frank!

* Music

Frank!

Are you okay? Are you sure?

[Frank:] He's not going anywhere.

* Music

[laughter]

[Michael:] Oh fuck, hold on.

[Receptionist:] Is that your buddy?

[Michael:] Yeah. I'm just gonna ignore him.

I'm having a good time for once.

Fill 'er up!

[Receptionist:] All right! [Michael:] A little bit more.

Oh, I like you.

* Music

[Frank:] Nowhere to run, Ass Clown.

Get back in the hole.

Oh yeah, come on!

You wanna play? All right, motherfucker.

[crossbow shot]

[Betty:] Oh.

[cue falls to the floor]

[Frank:] What the fuck, Betty?

You shot him?

[Betty:] What was I supposed to do?

[Frank:] He's supposed to wake up on the side of the road

with a sore ass and one hell of a hangover.

Not with an arrow through his chest!

[Betty:] Hell, Frank!

That fuck got what he's been asking for.

[Frank:] What the fuck are we supposed to do now?

[Betty:] Uh, I don't know. Get rid of him.

Take his body and get the fuck rid of it.

[Frank:] And what about his friends?

[Betty:] Fuck!

[Frank:] Yeah.

So what the fuck are we gonna do now?

* Music

[Johnny gasps for air]

* Music

[Michael groans]

[phone rings]

[Michael:] Son of a bitch!

Really?

I'm not getting out of bed.

[Betty:] Hello?

[Michael:] Who is this?

[Betty:] I'm calling from the Lion's Den.

I'm the bartender.

Were you one of the guys that were over here tonight?

[Michael:] Uh, yeah.

Where's Johnny?

[Betty:] Passed out on the bar, and going nowhere fast.

And I have half a mind to call the cops to come pick him up.

[Michael:] No, no, no, no. Please, don't do that.

Um...

[Betty:] Well, hurry up and get over here

or that's exactly what I'm going to do.

[Michael:] Of course.

[Betty:] And one other thing sweetheart...

[Michael:] Uh, yeah?

[Betty:] You had another friend with you here tonight, right?

[Michael:] Uh, yeah. He's here with me now.

[Betty:] Well, you both better come over here

to pick up your friend.

See, I'm a little lady and your friend right now

looks like he weighs a ton of bricks,

you know what I'm saying?

[Michael:] Ugh. Right.

We're on our way. Just please, don't call the police.

Thank you.

* Music

Wake up!

Get up!

[Ted:] No! [Michael:] Get up!

Johnny got himself plastered and we need to go pick him up.

[Ted:] Oh, surprise, surprise.

[Michael:] And I'm pretty fucked up myself,

so you're gonna have to drive.

[Ted:] Oh god. [Michael:] Come on!

You wanted that whole, you know, that life thing.

[groans]

* Music

[Ted:] Are we at the same place?

[Michael:] This is weird.

[Ted:] It was scary enough with all those townspeople.

[Michael sighs]

Wait, wait where you going?

[Michael:] [sighs] To collect the queen.

[Ted:] Okay.

* Music

[Michael:] We're her to get our friend over there.

[Ted:] Oh my god.

[Betty:] Yeah, your poor friend.

He didn't get like that for free, you guys.

I'm sorry, but we have a tab we have to settle up.

[Michael:] Of course we do.

[laughter]

You see, our friend is not the most responsible drinker.

What's the tab?

[Betty:] $18.

[Michael:] $18? [laughs]

Is that all it costs to get plastered in this town?

Here you go.

[Betty:] Well, yeah, but your friend started

this tab with a credit card.

[Ted:] Johnny doesn't own a credit card.

[Betty:] Oh, yes. Says his name is Michael.

[Michael:] That's my card.

[Betty:] Oh, I'm sorry.

We have a $40 minimum on credit card transactions,

and I already closed up the drawer for the night.

[Michael:] Oh, I'm gonna kill him.

[Betty:] Look, I don't see a problem to serve you guys

a few drinks to make up the difference.

[Ted:] No-- [Michael:] Oh, that'd be great.

Stop! I like her idea better.

[Ted:] He's not looking too good.

I really think we need to get him to the motel.

[Michael:] That bitch has never looked better.

[Betty:] Anything you want.

[Michael:] We're gonna have two shots of whiskey.

Straight.

[Betty:] You know boys,

I don't normally pry into my customers personal lives,

I leave that sort of thing up to Darla.

[Michael chuckles]

But, I have to say you three are a little different.

[Michael:] [chuckles] That's not exactly prying.

We stick out like a [indistinct] thumb

in this town.

[Betty:] Nah.

But let me give you some advice.

Getting drunk and starting fights in a place like this

is not a bright idea for out-of-towners.

Especially if you're eccentric.

But Frank and I, we believe in hospitality.

[Michael:] [laughs]

Trust me, it's not this town at all.

You see our friend over there? [laughs]

He's got kicked out of some of the gayest places

on the fucking West Coast.

To ending the ride!

[Ted:] I'm driving. [Michael:] Suit yourself.

What does that bring us to?

[Betty:] Only $10 more to go.

[Michael:] Two more shots of whiskey!

[Ted:] No, I think we've had enough.

[Michael:] Two more shots!

[Ted:] What the hell are you trying to prove?

[Michael:] I'm just trying to live a little.

You know, while I'm alive.

[Betty:] There you go.

[broom crashes to the floor]

[Frank:] Going somewhere?

[Ted:] Yeah, to put my friend in the car.

[Frank:] No, no, no. Fuck that.

Have a seat and finish your drinks.

[Betty:] Yeah. [smack]

[Ted:] Ow. What the hell?

Excuse you?

God, I can't believe I'm the responsible one now.

[Michael:] I don't feel so well...

[crashes to the floor]

[Ted:] Johnny, Johnny.

[Ted screams]

[glass breaking]

[Betty:] What did you that for?

That's a freaking $60 bottle of scotch, Frank!

[Frank:] My scotch! My 60!

* Music

[Michael coughing]

[Michael:] Oh fuck.

Where am I?

[Betty:] Oh, you're in the Lion's Den, baby.

[Michael:] What did you do to me?

[Betty:] Oh, I gave you a cocktail for special guests.

An adrenaline shot.

[Michael:] Are you gonna kill me?

[Betty:] Oh, no, no, no. We're gonna have fun first.

[Michael:] [groans] No.

No!

No. No. [groans]

[Betty:] [indistinct] works wonders.

[Michael:] No, no.

[screams]

* Music

[Ted gasps]

[whimpers]

* Music

[whimpers]

* Music

[whimpers]

* Music

[Frank groans]

* Music

[Michael screams]

[coughs]

[sobs]

[Betty:] Oh, just relax. Let it take effect.

This is what I like to call a frustrated wife's best friend.

It'll even cure homosexuality.

Ha, temporarily, at least.

I tried it on my Frank but needles make him squeamish.

[sniffs]

Oh, you know, in spite of all of tonight's disaster,

I'm feeling pretty good.

[Michael:] You're a fucking crazy bitch!

[Betty:] Oh no.

You don't understand, you see.

My relationship with Frank, it's made me numb for years.

[Michael:] What the fuck are you doing?

[Betty laughs]

Oh God.

[Betty:] [laughs] But tonight I'm feeling really alive,

like I woke up from a dream.

[Michael:] Oh, oh my God.

[Betty:] Oh, that's my boy.

[laughs]

[Michael:] Oh my God, this is so embarrassing.

[Betty:] Oh, trust me,

this is nothing to be embarrassed about.

[Michael:] What are you doing?

[Betty:] Shhh...

[Michael:] I wouldn't do this if I were you. Wait...

Get off of me.

Get off of me!

[Betty:] Shut up! [Michael:] Get off!

[Betty:] Shut up, or I will put this fucking needle

in your fucking eye.

[sobs]

You fucking baby! Quit your fucking crying!

Shut up and just relax. I need this.

[sobbing]

[Betty:] [moans] Oh God.

Oh, oh, oh.

I forgot what this felt like.

Oh, come on, you like it.

Yeah, oh.

Oh, fuck me, baby.

Oh.

[Michael moans]

Oh, your big cock feels so good.

[Betty moans]

[both moaning]

Come on, make mama happy.

I need this, baby.

[Betty moans]

[Michael:] [moans] Oh God.

[both moaning]

[Betty:] You pretty gay boys really know how to fuck.

[sobs]

* Music

[whimpers]

[breathing heavily]

* Music

[whimpers]

* Music

[Michael coughs]

[Betty:] What kind of goodies did you bring me?

Oh, a key.

[laughter]

You out-of-towners.

Oh, isn't that cute?

Oh, what do we have here?

Your other friend had things in his pockets, too.

Look, more party favors.

[laughter]

[Michael:] That's my HIV medicine.

[Betty:] You have AIDS? [Michael:] Yep.

It's the gift that keeps on giving, you cunt.

[Betty:] You fucking piece of shit.

How could you let me do that?

Oh, fucking piece of shit!

Fucking son of a bitch.

How are you fucking [indistinct],

you piece of shit.

[groans]

Fucking faggot!

[whimpers]

[Frank groans]

* Music

[Frank:] Right there.

* Music

[whimpers]

[Betty shouting indistinctly from the other room]

[Michael:] Come on, come on...

[Betty:] You son of a bitch!

Goddammit, you piece of shit!

Goddamn faggot! I'm gonna kill you!

* Music

Fuck! Fuck!

[Michael panting]

* Music

[Betty shouting indistinctly from the other room]

* Music

[Betty:] I'm gonna fucking kill you!

You took, you took my Frank!

I was happy until you cunts started coming around.

I'm gonna fucking kill you, you faggot.

* Music

[groans]

[whimpers]

* Music

[thud]

[Frank groans]

[Ted whimpers]

[Frank:] Just fucking do it!

* Music

[groans]

* Music

[Betty:] Run, faggot, run.

[crossbow shot]

[Michael screams]

* Music

[groans]

[screams]

* Music

[screams]

* Music

[screams]

[sobs]

* Music

[Betty:] Oh, come on, you fucking faggot.

You're a dead man already.

[Michael screams]

[Michael:] Neither you or your husband

or HIV or anything else is gonna kill me.

[Betty groans]

I may be a faggot but I'm a fighter.

[whimpers]

* Music

[thud]

[Michael:] Ow.

[Frank:] Betty?

Betty!

* Music

You motherfucker!

Motherfucker!

[gunshot]

* Music

[gunshot]

* Music

* Music

[Ted v/o:] Killing a man is something

you can never take back.

My lawyer claimed it was self defense

and I was just protecting Michael.

The jury agreed.

But deep down there's a part of me,

an inner rage that was released that night.

I believe Michael had vengeance in his heart too,

but we've never talked about it.

Partly due to our lawyers' advice

but mostly because if we were ever to face each other again,

we'd see the guilt in each other's eyes.

Not for killing two people, but for abandoning Johnny.

And for that I'll never forgive myself.

So I come here every year,

not only to mourn the passing of Johnny,

but the loss of Michael's friendship,

and the death of my innocence.

I vow to never forget that life is fragile.

Every moment, a precious gift.

And that it can all be destroyed in an instant.

* Music