Original subtitles

One, two, three, four.

Growing up, I was horrible at taking tests.

If it was pass-fail, I failed to pass.

But there was one test I couldn't fail--

the career test.

CEO.

Tap dancer.

Virgin corpse in urban pond.

How does this test know I'm a virgin?

It's not like these results are binding.

Dispensable army private.

Future Private Greg Wuliger,

I'm going to whip your pasty ass.

Come with me.

I am so in there.

Entrepreneur.

All right.

He was already making a fortune renting

out tapes of everything from pay-per-view

fights to adult videos.

If the test was right about Caruso,

was it right about me, too?

You got any Nancy Reagan movies,

if you know what I mean?

Huh?

My mom had spent months trying to get laid off

for severance, but nothing was working

to help her stop working.

Oh, these white people and their cakes.

I got to shred something.

Ah, that's better.

Is this what everybody's paid?

Why is everybody making more than me?

30 cents less for being a woman and $2 for being Black.

I wanted to prove my career test wrong,

so I was looking for any help I could get.

Hi, I'm Jody Devry.

Are you tired of feeling lost?

both: Yes.

Are you tired of feeling confused?

Yes.

All it takes to find your purpose in life

is a mere $19.95.

Dad--

both: I need $19.95.

No.

$19.95 wouldn't fix your life anyway, Chris.

I'd pay $19.95 for you to shut up.

People love listening to me.

That's why they cast me as the understudy for Dorothy

in Lamont Sanford Junior High's production of "The Wiz."

My sister, an understudy.

Daddy, you got a VCR for a VIP?

You shouldn't have.

Sorry, baby.

No, this is a gift for your grandfather's birthday.

Aw.

Hey, Uncle Louis.

You're back in town again.

So soon.

Well, duty called, and I said hello duty.

And duty said, would you like to pick up

a second job as a third-string chiropractor

for the New York Giants?

And I said yes.

Two jobs.

Copycat.

Well, my two jobs pay well, so it's different.

Ooh, is that a present for our daddy?

I hate to be the bearer of bad news,

but I got him an entertainment system with a VCR.

Well, he could still use yours as a doorstop, though.

Oh, no, this isn't for Daddy.

This is for my kids.

But you said that we didn't have enough--

Let this play out.

Dad.

Oh, they're so great.

Aw.

Can't return that now.

Oh! I'm going to tape every single musical on PBS.

No musicals.

They're so unrealistic.

People never break into song like that.

Characters break into song because their emotions run so

high that words aren't enough.

♪ Like when your brother is so annoying ♪

What did you get Daddy, then?

Oh, I got him something so amazing.

♪ Wait till you see it ♪

Thanks for getting the tape for me.

Caruso would have just flicked my nuts

while calling me the N-word.

He actually asked me to do that on his behalf,

but I'm not gonna.

I appreciate it.

Wait, this isn't a Jody Devry video.

What's "Urethral Weapon"?

Yeah, Caruso doesn't have a self-help tape in his locker,

so I rented a porno.

What?

Look, I know I keep saying I'm so in there, but I--

I don't know how to get in there.

And I got to know before I ship out

and international babes are throwing themselves

at me at every port.

You should have asked me before spending my money.

I did you a favor.

You got to prove your career test wrong

by learning how to bone.

I guess you're right.

What's the point of even having a future if I'm a virgin?

Did you flick his nuts?

Of course.

I very much did that.

If the tape's not returned rewound in mint condition

in exactly 12 hours, I'll make you a virgin corpse

in an urban pond.

You must pay, or no subway.

Please give us all more money.

What's all this?

For too long, the MTA has disrespected us.

- Augh. - Sorry, we're on strike.

What do we want?

Better pay. - When do we want it?

Now!

I'm coming for my equal pay, Tim.

Who's Tim?

OK, one more time, and I'm going to shove

that thing in you sideways.

This is the best day of my life.

Shh, my sister might hear you.

I'm going to jump off this building to see

how my boobs flap in the wind.

Give me the remote.

Oh, god.

Oprah's having El DeBarge's understudy, Prince, on today.

I want to record it so I can pick up

some understudying tips.

No, you can't tape over this.

Why not?

Either Caruso was going to kill me,

or Tonya was going to tell our parents, and they'd kill me.

Fine.

Thank you.

You taped over the movie?

Caruso is going to kill us.

No, he's not.

We're going to find him a replacement for that tape.

I refuse to end up a virgin corpse.

You won't.

I promise that if Caruso kills you,

I'll hire someone to have sex with your body.

I got furs.

Can't even tell they're made of possum.

Hey, do you have anything risqué?

Oh, my cousin, Risqué?

He works in Little France.

I got brie fromage.

Can't even tell it's made from the milk of the possum.

No, something risqué.

Visual medium in the adult consumer arena.

Bitch, are you trying to set me up with this cop?

I'm not a cop.

Mm-hmm, that's what a cop would say.

Th-- this is my friend, Greg, and we're looking

for erotic depictions of other reproductive functions.

- Are you a cop? - Porn, man.

We're looking for porn.

Oh, why didn't you say so, youngblood?

I got "Black Girl Sitting on the Toilet

Volume 2," "Black Girl Sitting on the Toilet Volume 3."

We're looking for "Urethral Weapon."

And we want a military discount.

"Urethral Weapon"?

Well, I don't watch Caucasian adult cinema, but if I did,

I might head over to Times Square,

and I might find the video store on 46th,

and I might go behind the curtain and check

out the shelf on the right.

But naked white people are not for me.

You know the ancestors be judging.

If I don't get this tape, I'll be an ancestor.

Thanks, Risky.

See, we'll get the movie and my family won't find out I--

hide.

Hide. Hide.

Hey, Risky, I need a birthday present for my father.

Don't worry, I got you.

Pack of Virginia Slims.

Bottle of Brown Royale?

Pair of Air Gordons?

No, no, no, it's got to be better

than a brand-new entertainment center and cost less than $8.

But you've got more than $8 in there.

No, that's the gas money to go to South Carolina

for my dad's birthday.

Better than a brand-new entertainment center,

but less than $8.

Ah, I think I've got just the thing.

Is it crack?

It's crack, yeah.

Yo, Risky, let me put 20 on the Giants

missing an extra point in the first quarter tonight.

You can bet on that?

Oh, you can bet on anything.

I got a good feeling.

My father had more than a feeling.

He knew someone with inside info.

Unfortunately, it was his brother.

To confirm, that was a no on crack?

Everybody, listen up.

We need to unionize.

You can't tell me you enjoy working here.

I do.

We get cake all the time.

I know for a fact that cake riles up your IBS, Martha.

No, it doesn't.

I mean, isn't it some B.S. that you got to clock out

for your extra-long bathroom breaks when they the ones

making you eat cake?

It is B.S.

What do you want, Paul, besides better dental?

What do you mean?

Our dental is fantastic.

What I want is to never wear shoes at work again.

Yes.

Good.

Come on, people.

Think outside the cubicle.

What do you really want from this job?

I want to make more than $25 an hour.

Yes, you do deserve to make twice what I do.

We all deserve more than this company gives us.

So are you ready to strike?

Yes!

Eh, sure.

Ooh, I'll go buy a strike cake.

No, Martha, your IBS.

Damn my gut health.

Julius, what are you doing here?

I can't let my little bro come to town

and not hang with him.

Well, you do it every other time.

Well, not this time.

Is this your room or the damn lobby?

I guess they give you free upgrades when you're a doctor.

And what do they give chiropractors?

No, I'm just playing.

Good for you, man.

Tell me about the Giants gig.

And be very specific.

Having two jobs is exhausting.

Tell me about it.

Now, really, tell me about it.

I don't know how you do it.

Do you have any tricks or anything?

Take a nap at every red light.

People will honk when it's time to go.

Free alarm clock.

I wish I could nap, but there's no red lights

on Jim Burt's back.

Oh, Jim Burt's injured, huh?

Yeah, he threw out his C7 at practice.

Oh, sorry, C7 is the seventh vertebrae

in the cervical spine.

Guess he's not starting tonight, then.

Well, he will if I can fix him.

Honestly, I didn't expect to work on a star.

But the first and second-string chiros

got injured in a bar fight with an acupuncturist,

so it's all on me.

You think I can do it, Julius?

Louis, look at me.

You got this, OK?

You're going to fix him.

My dad wanted to bet on his brother fixing that back,

but he also knew for damn sure that Louis

wasn't a real doctor.

Tape's due in four hours.

We got to get a cab.

How much you got?

$5.63, my inhaler, and a photo

of my mom with her prison girlfriend.

Let's see how many blocks all that gets us.

Oh, man, We'll never get a cab.

Got one.

I'll take you, but not your friend.

Um...

- Greg. - I shouldn't leave him.

- Greg. - Fine.

There's no way we're getting that tape to Caruso on time.

We should call it. Want to get some pizza?

Greg was white, so he could give up whenever he wanted,

but I couldn't.

No, we're in New York City.

Anything's possible here.

We just need a miracle.

And here it is.

Hold on tight, Greg.

There's no stopping us now.

I mean now.

I mean now.

I mean now.

all: If you want us to work, stop being such a jerk.

Thank y'all so much for helping.

Where'd you get all these people?

Oh, I didn't get them.

They just follow me everywhere.

We do.

It's an honor.

Yep, time to bullhorn at the man.

You cowards up there in your ivory tower, you can't deny us.

What do we want?

- $50 an hour. - No shoes.

- Drew! - Paid bathroom breaks.

- When do we want it? - Now!

- Always. - Tonight.

Whenever.

And if my mama ever can't make the picket, I'll be her

♪ Understudy and take her place ♪

- Huh? - Excuse me?

Understudy?

All right, Rochelle, that's enough.

Come upstairs.

We're willing to talk.

Ha, we've got 'em right where we want 'em.

Wait, I just-- come on.

The Giants' lineup is looking strong tonight.

Thanks to the heroic efforts of the third-string chiropractor,

Jim Burt will be starting at defensive tackle.

Damn it.

Crap, crap, crap.

Hey, Risky.

Is there any way I can owe you?

I need that money to go to my daddy's birthday.

Then you shouldn't have bet that Jim Burt wouldn't start.

You bet Jim Burt wouldn't start?

Go, go, go, go, go.

Move, move, move, move.

Hey, what are you doing here?

I had a success at work and thought my brother would

want to celebrate with me.

I didn't expect him to stab me in the back.

The back of a chiropractor, no less.

Oh, it's not what you think.

You bet against me.

You bet that I couldn't do my job.

OK, it is what you think.

But I only did it because I wanted

to get Elder Leroy a birthday present

that could compete with yours.

Good luck.

The entertainment system is amazing.

Yeah, I know.

It's just everything comes so easy to you.

And I have to work so hard for everything.

But it's no excuse.

I'm sorry I bet against you.

I'm sorry, too, that you're such

a loser you can't even afford to go to Daddy's birthday.

I'll call you and tell you all about it from my car phone.

Oh, and keep the wine.

Wine is like grape juice but for rich people.

Times Square was different in the '80s.

Back then, the M&M store was the S&M store,

and the Hard Rock Cafe was-- well, I can't say that here.

Look, there it is.

We only have one hour to get the movie

and bring you back to Caruso.

Look at this.

We'll never get the tape in time.

Are you ready to call it now?

No, I'm not going to be a virgin corpse in an urban pond.

We are getting that tape.

I-- I've never felt so strongly about anything in my life.

How do I express these

♪ Emotions? ♪

Damn it, Tonya was right.

* Not me ♪

♪ Not my dead body ♪

♪ Won't be my body ♪

♪ No, it won't be me that they find ♪

♪ In a lake or in a wetland ♪

♪ In a place where fish do sexin' ♪

♪ When an angel sees my soul emerging ♪

♪ But this body won't be virgin ♪

♪ Not me ♪

♪ Not my dead body ♪

♪ Let's turn it on ♪

♪ Because I'm going to be a pest guy or this guy ♪

♪ At best I'll be selling VCRs or moldy beef ♪

* Where's my meat ♪

* A paparazzi with a flash ♪

* Flash ♪

* A DJ with a 'stache ♪

* 'Stache ♪

* Or managing a strip club where I also have a 'stache ♪

* Double 'stache ♪

* Not me ♪

* Woof ♪

* Not my dead body ♪

♪ Gonna work at Red lobster ♪

♪ Won't be my body ♪

♪ He-he-he-he ♪

♪ No, it won't be me that they find ♪

♪ Won't be drowning in a 40 ♪

♪ Or floating towards the lordy When it comes ♪

♪ My time to draw the curtain ♪

♪ Won't be near no pond that's urban ♪

♪ Not me ♪

♪ Not my dead body ♪

There's the curtain.

Greg, look.

The tape's exactly where Risky said it'd be.

Hey, Chris?

We did it.

We actually did it.

Screw that test.

I'm not going to die.

I'm going to have sex one day.

I'm in charge of my own destiny.

Chris, I think I was robbed.

What?

Oh, god.

How did we get robbed in Times Square?

This is the worst day of my life.

At least you're going to have a life.

The tape's due back in 47 minutes.

And we have nothing.

Risky, you got to help us.

No, it is moi, Risqué.

Everyone knows Risky doesn't watch ze white porn.

OK, Rochelle, let's talk.

The only way we're lowering our signs

is if you raise our salaries.

Rochelle--

Don't you Rochelle me.

You shut us out and shut us up for long enough.

It's time for us--

Rochelle, we've heard you loud and clear,

and we're prepared to offer you a generous severance package.

You what now?

Well, how'd it go?

I went in there, and you know what those pricks did?

They offered me severance to walk away.

Two months of pay and health care for my family.

And what do you think I said?

all: No!

That's right.

And then they offered me three months.

And what do you think I said?

all: No!

I said no.

And then they offered me six months.

And do you know what I said?

all: No!

Oh, I said yes, because that's a really good deal.

I got three kids and an overworked husband.

But y'all got to keep on fighting the good fight.

You go, girl.

Oh, excuse me.

Can I say that?

We don't have a leader anymore.

What do we do?

They need the understudy.

Damn right they do.

All right, listen up, you lazy slobs.

Pretty people in the front.

Uggos in the back.

Let's go.

Well, see you on the other side.

Hoo-ha.

Cutting it a little close, aren't you?

Give me the tape.

Well, we actually, uh, don't have it.

You what?

Uh--

But we brought you something better.

We did?

It fell out of Risqué's stack in Times Square.

What?

I don't want my only friend to die.

What is this?

A Black porno.

These hips don't move without half my pay up front.

He can play with my titties, but I'll be damned

if he play with my money.

- OK. - Wait, really?

This looks good.

I mean, I'll still beat you guys,

but I won't hit your faces.

Could you just beat him?

I don't want to miss boot camp.

Sure.

America thanks you, sir.

Sorry, Chris!

Oh, oh, god.

Oh, you flattened my arch.

Damn it.

What's going on?

Oprah hasn't asked Prince one question about El DeBarge.

Tsk, tsk.

OK, what's going on, Julius?

Nothing's going on.

Can't a man huff and puff when he's happy?

Baby, what's wrong?

If I'm Louis's big brother, how come he's always

making me feel so damn small?

Always rubbing things in my face, making me feel poor.

Louis called us poor?

He implied it, but he's right.

I gambled our gas money.

Julius!

I know, but I wanted to get Daddy

a better present than Louis.

And now we can't even afford to drive to South Carolina.

You sure about that?

How did you--

* Severance ♪

I finally did it.

Mwah!

Julius, we're going to South Carolina.

And we're going to buy the best gift your dad has ever gotten

and rub it right in Louis's smug, smooth, perfect face.

God, he has nice skin.

I saw the creams he buys.

Tasha?

Hey, I heard you got a VCR.

I was wondering if you could tape

"Saturday Night Live" for me.

I didn't know you liked "SNL."

Are you kidding?

Eddie Murphy's so funny.

Thank you!

You know, we could watch it together sometime if you want.

Sure.

So how was your day?

I had never gotten a laugh like this from a girl before,

and it felt amazing.

I started to think maybe there were

other options for my future that the career

test hadn't considered.

Wait, where did Oprah go?

I'm getting too sexy for this [bleep].

- Eww! - What is this?

Who brought this filth into our home?

Chris!

* Everybody still hates Chris ♪

* MTV ♪