Original subtitles

I need you to find my husband, Detective Cheeks.

I'm concerned he's met with foul play.

She's lying.

She killed him for the life insurance.

My family was good at spotting the liar,

because we were great at lying.

If that's Louis, tell him I'm stuck on the Statue

of Liberty's head.

My dad lied to avoid his brother Louis

who was visiting New York.

Uncle Louis was always one-upping him.

And the sound quality is way better than a cassette tape.

Oh, I know.

Check out my CD player.

The sound system was 14 grand,

but they threw in the car for free.

Hello?

Oh, hey, Louis.

Julius isn't home.

Oh, you just bought a new home.

He'll be so happy to hear that.

Fibbing was our second tongue.

We were lie-lingual.

But at least we all had one person

who always told us the truth.

Drew had my mother.

You can't wear blue.

You're light-skinned.

Thank you.

My mother had Drew.

Mama, this is nasty.

Oh, thank you.

And I had Tonya.

Dang, you look like a rejected Ninja Turtle.

Didn't want her, but I had her.

No, I don't.

Cowabunga.

Leo-nerdo.

My dad hated it when his brother was in town,

'cause he could pop in at any time.

It's Louis.

Scatter! Scatter!

Scatter!

Oh.

Hi, Doc.

Sorry to barge in like this, but no one

was answering the phone.

Yeah, it's not working for some reason.

Drew, I need you at the corner store on Saturday.

I'm planning to honor Jackie Robinson,

and I need you to be there.

Jackie Robinson!

What about him?

I didn't know you were such a big fan.

Here we go.

He broke baseball's color barrier,

he helped the Dodgers win the World Series,

and he lived in a duplex down the street

where I may or may not leave 42 flowers for him

on his birthday every year.

You buy flowers for a ghost?

So I've got to die for you to get me flowers?

Well, uh, I'm having a Jackie Robinson promotion at the store

to celebrate number 42.

Buy 41 items and get the 42nd free.

Why do you need me to be there?

Because Jackie picked you up when you were a baby.

Don't you remember?

No, I don't remember anything from when I was a baby.

Oh, god.

I have amnesia!

Who am I?

Well, I'll never forget it.

The day, overcast.

You could smell the coming rain.

The clouds were thick, but the crowd was thicker.

The sun bathed Drew in light, and Jackie

picked him up, anointing him.

The boy who got picked up!

The crowd oohed.

Ooh!

Did they ahh?

No, it was just the ooh.

Drew, I want you to tell this Jackie

Robinson story on Saturday.

You'll be the main event.

The main event.

This was my dad's chance to one-up

his one-upping-ass brother.

I need to call Louis.

Ow!

Since meeting her at Tasha's church,

I've been making out nonstop with--

Amy?

Nope.

I didn't even know her name.

We were so busy playing tonsil hockey,

we hadn't made time for tonsil talky.

Whoo!

So, um, do you like music?

Love it.

You ever listened to Big Daddy Kane?

I prefer country because country

singers don't sing bad about women, or horses.

Horses?

Uh, so what shows do you like?

"Bewitched."

Have you seen it?

No.

But you said you liked comedy.

I do.

I'm into Eddie Murphy.

Oh, I think you mean Eddie Munster.

Mm, I don't.

What can I get you two?

We'll start with your New England clam chowder.

I only eat Old England clam chowder.

I'll give you two a minute.

Jackie Robinson made it to second base hundreds of times,

and I wasn't even going to do it once.

Huh?

Uh, I got to make sure my Afro's even.

What are you doing?

I'm trying to find a photo from the day I became

the boy who got picked up.

Forget the photo.

You need to practice your speech.

I'm inviting Uncle Louis.

This has got to be the best speech Louis has ever heard.

OK, cool, so no pressure.

Yes, pressure!

This is me putting pressure on you!

I mean, I'll try, but I don't really know much about

that day.

Then research.

Go to the library.

It's going to close soon.

I'll never make it, unless I take a cab.

We've been digging for four score and seven years.

I never should have left England.

Don't give up!

We're going to make it out together!

Ha, ha!

See ya, suckers!

Tell my slaves I love them.

Here... you go.

Damn, that was $10 worth of dollars.

Greg?

What are you doing out there?

I can't let you ruin this for us.

Us?

Yeah, us.

Best friends experience things through each other.

That's why I'm here.

A win for you is a win for me, and you are losing.

It's not my fault. Me and whatever her name

is have nothing in common.

Then lie.

Honest-ay won't get you no boo-tay.

It feels wrong to lie to a girl just to get some.

Do you want to get to second base or not?

Of course I do, Greg.

Do you even know me?

Then go play her, playa.

Fine.

But you have to promise to put your pimp voice away

and never bring it out again.

OK.

Mom, I was just at the library,

and I'm confused about something.

You went to the library?

On a Friday night?

Don't lie to me, boy.

Is it drugs?

Huh?

No.

Look at this photo I found from the day Jackie picked me up.

It's hard to make out my face.

Newspapers don't know how to photograph Black people.

You're lucky it's not just a picture of your teeth.

OK, bedtime.

Why am I wearing a dress?

It was the '70s.

Boys wore dresses.

This doesn't look like my hair.

It rained. Your hair curled up.

But in the story, you said you

could smell the coming rain.

The coming rain came, boy.

But you said--

You know, while I was sculpting my Afro,

I couldn't help remembering, I think I did see "Bewitched,"

and I loved it.

I mean, it's so good, right?

The only way it could get better

is if Eddie Munster was in it.

I thought the same thing.

What kind of name is Big Daddy Kane, anyway?

What he should be rapping about is being a big father

in his children's lives.

This is really nice, Chris.

Yeah, Red Lobster's the best.

Save room for dessert.

Oh, Chris.

I want to be the dessert.

I had finally gotten to second base,

and it was all thanks to Greg.

Maybe I should have listened to him more often.

Are we-- in there yet?

Never mind.

I'll remember this night on my deathbed.

Me too.

I finally found the Darrin to my Samantha.

Who?

Uh, from "Bewitched."

I know.

I meant, whoo!

Like, ooh, boy.

What a great show.

And now we can watch it every night on the couch.

And you know what's next?

Uh, you touch my boobs?

You meeting my family!

This is the start of our lives together!

I just wanted to get to second base,

but she was trying to take me home.

Both of them at the same time?

Did you lift them up? What's under them?

Uh-- uh-- sweat?

It doesn't matter. There's a problem.

What problem?

We are literally in there.

We?

No, no.

I'm in there way too deep.

She thinks we're serious because you made me lie to her.

She let you touch her boob.

The Reverend Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. did not march for you

to waste that freedom, Chris.

White people toss out MLK's name like a drunk guy

playing cornhole.

She wants me to meet her family.

Dude, you've got to break up with her.

I can't believe this, but you're right again.

I have to break up with--

wh-- what's her name?

Chris!

Oh, god.

She's here.

Hey, babe.

I know we just saw each other, but I missed you.

I missed you, too.

I can't wait for you to come roller-skating with my

family tomorrow.

Yeah, about that, I think we should talk.

Wait, for real?

I love that you love to talk.

I'm tired of getting my heart broken by jerks

who just want to feel me up.

I'm glad you're different, Chris.

So what do you want to talk about?

Uh, how country music is so good.

Liar.

I need to talk to Drew.

Have you seen him? - Who cares?

Can't talk.

Gotta clean.

Oh, you invited Louis over.

It wouldn't be for Jackie Robinson day, would it?

Oh, is that today?

Mm-hmm.

I can smell the fake on you.

Ain't no fake on me.

You're trying to rub it in your brother's face

that Jackie Robinson picked up your son.

His face is going to look so dumb.

Mm-hmm.

That's just what I thought.

Louis always makes everything about him.

But today, it's finally about me.

What?

It's about your son.

Who is an extension of me.

I made him from me.

Shut up.

He's here!

Louis, I'm so glad to see you.

Well, I got your message on my answering service.

Did you know with my answering service I can get messages

anywhere in the world?

Wow.

You're answering service sounds amazing.

I'm so glad you're telling me about it.

Get in here.

Hey, Louis.

Long time.

Well, maybe I'm going crazy, but I thought

Julius was avoiding me.

Me?

Avoid my own brother?

Well, that answering service must be off because you

got the wrong message.

We have fun together.

Since I couldn't break up with Alicia--

nope, that wasn't it--

I wondered if life with her wouldn't be so bad.

Oh my god.

She did it again.

I like this too.

Let's try the new Eddie Munster stand-up special.

I think you mean Eddie Murphy?

No, I mean Eddie Munster.

And then this vampire mother[bleep], he--

Ah!

Why are you just sitting there looking stupid?

I have a problem.

Of course, you do.

You can't cook, can't sing, can't run,

can't do the running man, can't run the mile,

can't run the half mile, can't watch "Land Before Time"

without crying--

Tonya, I need a favor.

Well, well, well.

So this is what your rock bottom looks like.

Say everything you just said, but to my girlfriend.

Then she'll break up with me, and I won't be the bad guy.

You want me to help you by telling the truth

about how much you suck?

Yes.

What's it going to cost me?

$50 bucks and make El DeBarge fall in love with me.

I'll give you $10 and an El DeBarge cassingle.

Done.

Can't even negotiate.

I would have done this for free.

Ugh, did Julius forget to pay the color bill again?

Hello, Mother, if that's even your real name.

It's not.

You know that's not my real name, right?

I didn't, but that's not what we're talking about.

Who the hell is playing jazz?

I had a very interesting morning, Mother.

The day, overcast.

You could smell the coming rain.

The clouds were thick, but the crowd was thicker.

The sun bathed Drew in light, and Jackie

picked him up, anointing him--

the boy who got picked up!

Everyone I talked to told the same story the same exact way.

Of course.

They were all there.

Hmm.

The funny thing is, Mother, not a single one of them was there.

They all heard the story from you,

which can only mean one thing.

I'm not the boy who got picked up.

Fine, OK?

The boy who got picked up with some girl named Chante.

How did an honest mom like you wind up in a lie like this?

Drew, listen--

You were the one person I could trust.

I mean, is my name even Drew?

Well, technically, it's Andrew.

Chris, it's so nice to meet you.

Glad you brought Tonya too.

My only question is, where's Tonya 1?

Yikes.

So Chris, while you're dating my princess--

Guess they forgot her name too.

You'll see the two things we value most, family and honesty.

That's why our favorite movie is "Pinocchio."

Daddy, Chris told me it's also his favorite movie.

Right, Chris?

It is until they make a "Bewitched" movie.

I would die!

That would be my "Godfather."

Ugh, do it.

Do it now.

There's something I want to tell you.

El DeBarge!

Tonya, you were saying something.

Ugh, no!

It's not El DeBarge.

Why does every song sound like El DeBarge to me?

Is that what love is?

Why is love so painful?

I like it.

You like El DeBarge?

My cousin's husband sold him an aquarium.

We go backstage all the time.

J-- just get back to what you were saying, though.

We could take you the next time he's in town.

Bargey would love you!

Chris is the best brother in the world, and y'all will

have a good life together.

No, I suck.

Tell her!

Ugh, and he's so modest.

He can cook.

He can sing.

He can watch "Land Before Time" without crying.

He's a stronger man than me.

Chris is perfect.

I'm so excited for you, for us, to be a family.

When is El DeBarge next in town?

I can't believe you sold me out for a light-skinned dude.

I can.

She missed me hosting the Oscars to watch

a Golden State Warriors game.

We had a deal!

Well, your future mother-in-law had a better one.

Family conga!

Ah!

We feel the same way your sister does about you, Chris.

Uh--

Yeah!

There's no way we're going to let you go.

No, sir!

OK, Chris, your turn to lead.

- Oof! - Oh, boy!

I can't do this.

Can I talk to you for a sec?

I haven't been honest with you.

You don't love the conga?

No, I-- I actually do like it.

But I lied to you about a lot of things.

Uh, I never listened to your country music mixtape.

I taped over it with 2 Live Crew.

I actually have hit my growth spurt,

and this is as tall as I'm getting.

I think "Pinocchio" is creepy.

Why did Geppetto want to make a little boy?

What's that about? And "Bewitched"?

Be-terrible!

I hated being the bad guy, but at least I was free.

I'm sorry I lied.

No, I'm sorry you felt you had to lie to impress me.

No guy has ever cared about me enough to be honest.

What?

We don't have to agree on everything.

That's what keeps a relationship spicy.

So you don't want to break up with me?

No way.

I feel closer to you than ever.

In fact, tonight I want to...

The truth was about to set my virginity free.

Now it's 5-3, New York.

Julius, this has been great,

but I should probably skedaddle.

You just got here!

Well, I have a full day of appointments tomorrow.

I'm seeing patients back to back.

Ha, ha, ha. Chiropractor joke.

Good one.

Why don't we go get some snacks for the road?

Eh, I'm not really hungry.

Come on!

They're having a big sale down at the corner store.

Oh, I hate sales.

They're so crowded.

I like paying more than retail price.

That way--

Just come to the goddamn store with me!

Uh, OK.

Drew?

Apparently it's Andrew.

And let me guess.

You're going to say you lied because you love me, right?

Drew, this lie wasn't for you.

It was for your father.

He was driving like a madman trying to make it to see Jackie

Robinson between his jobs.

I'm not going to make it!

That was my one chance to meet Jackie.

I know you didn't get a chance to meet your hero,

but guess who did.

Your father worked so hard.

I wanted to give him a win, so I lied.

Mwah!

My hero held my son.

I'm the man who picked up the boy who got

picked up by Jackie Robinson!

Yep!

And guess what.

The boy who got picked up pooped up,

so you get to change that same baby too.

But you still lied to me and Dad.

Don't you feel bad about that?

I lie to all of you.

That's just called being a good wife and mother.

But I thought you were the person

who always told me the truth.

Look, Drew, I'll never lie to hurt you,

but I will to protect you.

It's what you do for someone you love.

Maybe that's what you do.

Welcome to Jackie Robinson Day at Doc's Corner Store.

He broke the color barrier, and I'm breaking the price barrier.

Well, what on Earth is going on here?

It looks like they're celebrating Jackie.

Oh!

I forgot.

Drew is going to give a speech for this.

So glad you suggested we go to the store.

Time for the main event.

Please welcome the boy who got picked up.

all: Drew! Drew! Drew!

Drew! Drew! Drew! Drew! Drew! Drew!

Hi.

I'm here to tell you the truth about the time

Jackie Robinson was here.

The day, overcast.

You could smell the coming rain.

The clouds were thick, but the crowd was thicker.

The sun bathed me in light, and Jackie Robinson picked me up.

All right, Drew.

That's right. My man.

My man.

He picked him up.

That's my boy.

My boy.

Must feel good to be the father

of the boy who got picked up.

You made him out of you.

I did.

Wow, Louis, that sounds like a once-in-a-lifetime,

unrepeatable event that you probably wish you

experienced, huh?

I don't think anything could ever one-up that.

Who wants a free medical massage?

They call me Backie Robinson.

D-- Dr. Backie Robinson.

No one.

That's weird.

My father got two wins that day,

one-upping his brother and saving 42 cents on a bottle

of Jackie Robitussin.

I'm so proud of you, but your blue shirt is embarrassing.

Thank you.

You look tired today.

Remember, it's OK to lie sometimes.

I'm so glad you brought me here, Chris.

Yeah, me too--

uh... girl.

And tonight's going to be amazing.

I'm so glad you were honest with me.

Actually, me too.

As long as we're honest with each other,

we can get through anything.

OK.

Well, then--

I don't know your name.

What?

I know, right?

But you met my family.

And they didn't call you by your name one time.

It was crazy.

I let you touch my tatas.

And I didn't want to go any further

without telling you the truth.

Wow.

This feels good.

Well, how does this feel?

Ooh!

Oh my god, dude.

She touched our balls!

♪ Everybody still hates Chris ♪

♪ MTV ♪