Original subtitles

Today nerds are cool,

but in the '80s, we had a whole class

dedicated to reminding us we weren't, gym.

I love the smell of torn underwear in the morning.

But misery loves company, and my company was Greg.

I was lucky to have him,

especially because it was the most miserable time of year,

dodgeball week.

Are you ready for this?

Here. I have an extra.

I don't want your hand-me-down cup.

If you don't use one, you'll need some hand-me-down nuts.

Dodgeball was five days of state-sanctioned

child warfare.

It started in PE.

Ugh!

But it affected every class in school,

social studies, science.

We weren't even safe if we were right outside

the principal's office.

Ugh! Seriously?

Huh?

Thank you for being a friend.

Greg, I found a way for us to dodge dodgeball.

What is it? Seducing Principal Morello?

You should do that.

You know she likes her milk chocolate.

No, look.

It says if students start a club

based on physical activity, they're excused from gym class.

We should start a club.

You're a friggin' genius!

But we gotta do this soon.

I'm running out of underwear.

And I'm down to my last pair.

And now they're ruined.

This rules.

We'll finally have a place where we can chill and not have

things flying at our heads.

That's why we have to fly under the radar.

So let's pick an activity no one likes.

Tennis?

No way. White people love tennis.

It's the only sport we still dominate.

Not for long.

What about Jazzercise?

No, that'll attract girls, and girls attract bullies.

But something dance-related could be good.

What's a dance white people can't do?

Every one of them.

I got it!

A breakdancing club.

What a fly idea!

You b-boys be busting moves like in "Breakin' 2:

Electric Boogaloo."

Right.

But darn, you need a third member to start any club,

and unfortunately, no one else at Tattaglia can

breaka-breaka-break it down.

No problem.

I know a brother.

Thanks for doing this, Drew.

Oh, I'm not doing this for you.

I just love all the martial arts.

Breakdancing is a martial art?

The robot is all karate chops.

I'm so excited you boys are bringing your urban flavor

to our school.

This is definitely going in the newsletter.

Wait, is that black mold on the walls?

I don't see color, Chris.

I only see mold.

My sister Tonya had attitude and her own key,

which to her seventh-grade girl gang

meant she was grown and in charge.

Uh, algebra was pretty fun today.

Yeah, it kind of was.

No, it wasn't.

Yeah, I hate algebra.

Me too, always have.

But she was about to get booted by a belly button.

Damn, Sally.

Whoa.

A crop top!

I got my mom to buy this for me.

Can you believe it?

You're so lucky.

Here I am, stuck in these little kid clothes.

Uh, aren't you cold in that?

Yeah, but I feel hot.

Huh, anyone seen my house key?

Oh.

Here it is.

Gotta get home and let myself in.

Come on.

Aren't you coming?

Oh, I kind of want a calzone.

Oh, we'll keep you company!

Mind if I take a sip of your drink?

Ahh.

both: Ahh.

There was a new queen bee, and Tonya

was feeling the sting.

The usual, Julius, or something fancy today?

Fancy?

Whatcha gonna do, paint an 8 on there

and sink him in the corner pocket?

Ha-ha.

Just the usual, Manny.

That's how my wife likes it.

How does your wife like it, Mr. Omar?

Oh, that's right.

You don't got one.

- Ooh. - Ohh.

You're right.

I don't have a wife.

I have my customers' wives.

Would you look at her?

Yo, Monk, let me hold a dollar so I

can get change and bounce four quarters off

of that fine behind.

Look, Mr. Julius.

Yeah, she's got some, uh, debris in the caboose.

What in the name of high-waisted

jeans are you talking about?

I don't know how to explain it.

I kind of have butt blindness.

The hell you mean "butt blindness"?

I can see them, but they all look the same to me.

I can't tell Grace Jones from Quincy Jones.

You're missing out on one of life's greatest pleasures.

Tragic!

Well, I only got eyes for my wife anyway.

But you've never really seen her booty, have you?

Uh--

You see anything you like, baby?

Damn, woman.

Looking real lumpy today.

Lumpy?

The only thing that's gonna have lumps around here

is your head. - Ooh.

What?

- Does she know? - You crazy.

How can I tell my wife I haven't

ever really seen her ass?

From behind bulletproof glass.

We're gonna help you.

It's our duty as men.

All right, let's get the paperwork out of the way.

Official name, Breakdancing Club.

What about The Dance Lads?

No.

OK, president, me.

When did you become president?

This was all Chris's idea.

None of this matters.

Then as co-president, I agree.

Fine.

You can be co-president.

And Drew can be VP.

Cool.

Oh, can I be treasurer, too?

I want an extra picture in the yearbook.

I'm gonna go stretch.

Wait, are we actually gonna learn how to breakdance?

No, it's quiet, and if I fall asleep, no one's gonna write

"King Kong" on my forehead.

So I'm gonna take a nap.

Well, then, what am I gonna do?

You're the treasurer, so treasure

the time you spend not having stuff thrown at your head.

Thanks for taking me shopping, Mama.

Of course, baby.

None of my kids gonna look raggedy.

What do you need? New socks?

Barrettes?

Something else inexpensive?

Just something a little more seventh grade, you know?

Aw, what about this?

It's so cute.

I was thinking something more like this.

The rest of that shirt better still be on the rack.

It's a crop top, Mama.

Why on Earth do you want me to pay

full price for half a shirt?

I don't know.

My friend has one.

It's just in, OK?

Let's find something in that doesn't have your stomach out.

I just want to look more grown.

What's wrong with looking your age?

What's wrong with looking more grown?

I shouldn't be walking around my school

looking like a stripper.

Mm, that felt personal.

All I wanna do is play dress-up with you,

and you out here trying to be a nun.

Ohh.

Sweetie, I'm your mom, and I really

think you should stick with stuff like this for now, OK?

OK.

You're right, Mama.

Please help me.

Were you gonna write on my forehead?

No. Maybe.

I don't know.

I'm bored.

Hey, I have an idea.

Motion to invite girls to the club.

Greg, I like girls, too.

Everyone likes girls.

But everyone includes bullies, and bullies

will give us wedgies in front of the girls.

Is that what you want?

Maybe we should vote on it.

Greg, no!

Absolutely not!

Yeah, this is Chris's club.

OK, fine.

No girls.

You look hot upside down.

Augh!

Whoa, what's this?

Some guests of the female persuasion?

Ladies, come in.

What the hell, man?

It's just two girls from my chemistry class.

Don't worry.

Ladies, welcome to my club.

Ugh, filled out a ton of paperwork.

So tiring.

Do you mind if I rest my carpal tunnels?

He's taking advantage of you.

No, he's not.

I'm here for Greg's club.

This is a little conservative,

but this will look cute on you.

You'd let me have that?

Um, I'll let you borrow it.

Stand up.

Yes!

You see that, Tasha?

This is how you make your mommy proud of you.

I made principal's list for the 50th week in a row.

And I've been on parole for 48 weeks,

but you don't see me bragging.

Let me see your face, girl.

You got pretty eyes, Tonya.

- Really? - Mm.

We gotta use them.

Get you back on top with your little girl gang.

Now hold up the top with it.

Mm-hmm.

We do that, maybe some earrings.

Ooh-hoo-hoo-hoo!

Check yourself out!

Damn, I look grown enough to buy a lottery ticket.

The next day, my brother looked forward

to breaking while I looked forward

to actually taking a break.

Damn it.

But Greg had turned our club into da club.

"Damn it"?

That's it?

Even your bully is here.

Be more mad. - Why?

It's just Greg being Greg.

Well, Greg is selfish.

Isn't he always like this?

Uh--

Thanks, homey.

At least it's two against one.

Ugh!

Hi, Chris.

What's going on?

Chris pooped his pants yesterday, but my underwear?

Bone dry.

Eh, it's a numbers game.

Chris, he is not a good friend.

You need to stand up for yourself.

Ha-ha-ha-ha!

Greg, this is supposed to be our thing.

Get these people out of here.

No, I want girls here.

Nice club, Chris.

Here's my membership fee.

Ooh! - Ow!

See?

I told you girls would bring bullies!

We're supposed to look out for each other,

but you only care about yourself.

So as president, I say we vote you out.

As VP, I second.

Well, as co-president and treasurer, I get two votes,

and I vote I stay.

He thinks his vote is twice mine?

That's even worse than the Three-Fifths Compromise.

Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight!

That's not how we solve things.

I came to check on you guys, and it looks

like I arrived just in time.

There's only one way to resolve this--

a breakdance battle here, tomorrow.

Seriously?

That's the only way?

It's the only way I can make sure I have

my good camera to take pictures.

Hey.

- Whoa. - Damn, Tonya.

What?

What'll it be?

I'm trying to piss off my boss enough to get severance.

What's your nastiest flavor?

The Chitlin' Juice glazed.

I should just stop making it.

Gross.

Give me a dozen.

Oh, hell no!

You think my crop top is too short,

or is it cool my house key pokes out from under it?

Ah!

Mama, what are you doing?

You think you grown now, huh?

Let's go.

I'm gonna beat the pepperoni out your behind.

Let's start with an easy one.

Pretend this is a small butt.

How would you describe its shape?

Ooh, ooh, ooh, pineapple!

That's Vanessa Williams. Nope.

Janet Jackson.

Nope.

Bob Newhart.

Maybe you just need glasses to see them asses.

Now, which one is Kill Moves?

Uh, it's a trick question.

They're both Kill Moves.

Damn, you're not just butt blind, you're bum blind.

None of this is working.

It's like I'm not even a Black man.

You just spent seven hours at a barbershop.

You Black.

Still, tough break, Mr. Julius.

But hey, thanks for reminding us not to take booties

for granted.

The next time I see a big beautiful behind,

I'm gonna tell it how much I love it.

20 minutes later, he got arrested

for harassing a police horse.

Peaches, open the damn door!

My mom hadn't been this mad at Peaches

since, well, the last time she interacted with Peaches.

Don't make me get my battering ram!

Oh, hi, baby.

Is your mommy home?

I'm right here.

Go watch TV.

I need to prepare for bible study.

You're gonna study for a study?

Oh, my god.

Sometimes, I swear, I wonder if she's even my daughter.

Then I remember how she wrecked my--

Peaches, did you dress up my daughter

in your hoochie clothes?

Yeah, I bought all these fly clothes for Tasha,

and she won't wear them.

I'm sorry, Rochelle.

I was just trying to have some fun.

You can't do whatever you want just because it's fun.

Damn, you sound like my mom.

Oh, please.

My mom was so strict, never let me wear what I wanted,

embarrassed me in front of all my friends, but I showed her.

The day I turned 18, I got out the house

and did whatever I wanted, partying,

drinking, messing around.

Well, except after Tasha was born.

I couldn't hook up with anybody for months.

My downstairs was a mess.

Thank you, Peaches.

You're welcome.

Wait, for what?

I didn't know how to breakdance, but luckily,

neither did Greg.

Give him a Bed-Stuy beatdown!

But don't beat him so badly he ends up racist forever.

This should be over quickly.

All righty, b-boys.

Whichever one of you can get the crowd most hyped wins.

Chris, you go first.

OK.

Mm.

Ahh!

That was terrible, but I bet Greg will be even worse.

My turn.

Oh! Ooh!

Ohh! Damn!

How did his white ass learn to do all that?

White people had a secret tool

to learn how to breakdance, Alfonso Ribeiro.

Now watch this, suckas.

Ah! Ow.

Ow.

My neck.

Oh, god, I think I swallowed my Adam's apple.

Boo!

- Ow! - Uh-oh.

This feels lawsuit-y.

Uh, the club is canceled.

Everyone, back to regular gym.

Ugh!

I'll go warm up my dodgeball arm.

If something happens, can I have your baseball cards?

If you're gonna whup me again,

can you wait until I finish my algebra?

It's hard to solve for Y when all I can think about

is why my butt stings.

I'm not gonna whup you, but help

me understand, why is dressing all grown so important to you?

Remember my friend Sally?

She got a crop top, and now everyone's

paying more attention to her.

I just feel kicked to the curb.

I guess me bugging out like I did at the pizza

parlor didn't help.

Yeah.

When I saw you wearing those clothes,

I was mad as hell, but I was more upset that you

went to Peaches because you felt

like you couldn't talk to me.

I don't want you to become like Peaches.

I don't wanna be Peaches!

Oh, thank god.

I mean, Peaches has some cute outfits,

but sometimes she be looking crazy.

So what do you want?

I guess I just want my friends to still respect me.

But I also wanna wear what I want.

But that crop top made my belly feel cold.

I don't know what to do.

Well, I'm glad you came to me.

Uh, you came in here.

Tonya, do you want me to fix this or not?

Yes, fine, yes.

OK.

Well, here's what you're gonna say to your little friends.

You know, you should really eat something before dodgeball.

No, it's better to get hit on an empty stomach.

Are you sure?

You got no muscle, so you should have a little fat

to absorb the blows.

Isn't it better to not have to deal

with that selfish clown?

Yeah, I guess.

You're better off without him.

Now you can get real good at "Solitaire" or, like, thinking.

Hey, Jerome.

What are you doing here?

It just didn't sit right with me

to give up on you like that, brother.

There's something blocking you.

We need to go deeper.

Are you down for some hypnosis?

You know how to do hypnosis?

I took a course.

You don't think I got aspirations?

Damn.

At this point, what have I got to lose?

OK.

Now follow the watch.

Hey, that's my watch!

You wanna be fixed or not?

Now follow the watch.

Follow the watch.

Sweet baby Jesus!

- What are you looking at, son? - What?

You wanna go to hell?

You're breaking one of the Ten Commandments!

Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's backside!

That's it!

My dad scared the love of butts out of me!

What do I do?

I'll just hypnotize that out of you.

Follow the watch.

Follow the watch.

You were once blind, but now you can see.

Butts, bottoms, tushies, booties,

derrieres, dat ass.

All right, moment of truth.

Whose butt is this?

Pam Grier.

And that one is different than that one.

I can see Pam Grier's butt!

Yo, keep it down!

Your wife might hear you.

My wife?

Baby, I'm coming for your ass!

- Hey. - Oh.

Hey, Tonya.

That was pretty crazy the other day with your mom.

Sorry, it's not funny.

Nah, it's all right.

Y'all haven't seen her, have you?

Your mom?

No.

Why?

Here she comes.

Why is she following you?

She got me on a tight watch because last night,

I called her a bitch.

Whoa.

Dang, Tonya.

You're bad.

Mind if I take a sip of your soda?

Thank you.

My girl is back on top.

Damn, I'm a good mother.

Ooh-whee!

Look at that ass!

You catcalling mother--

Julius, what are you doing?

And why do you have that goofy grin on your face?

I'm seeing things I've never seen before.

You're just so fine.

OK, Julius, calm down.

Let's get you home.

It's so beautiful.

With Greg injured, I was on my own.

Damn it, forgot my cup.

Do you want me to destroy your left nut or right nut?

Left.

Oh!

It's only lightly used.

Ow.

I realized Greg wasn't the best friend,

but he was a friend.

And for now, that was good enough.

By the way, I, uh, got this for you

since I know you couldn't eat before dodgeball.

both: Can't play on a full stomach.

I'm sorry for ruining our club.

I'll try to be a better friend.

Thanks, Greg.

Starting tomorrow, I'll be a better friend.

singers: ♪ Everybody still hates Chris ♪

Sally, come back here, young lady.

Tina, you OK?

Sally just called me a bitch.

Where is she picking this stuff up?

♪ MTV ♪