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Do you ever think about the end of the world?

I do.

I imagine I'm one of the last people left.

You know, a massive tsunami hits the east coast.

Everyone dies.

I survive.

Little me,

useless me.

I know I can swim a little,

save people a little,

but I'm not that good at it.

Many better.

And let's not forget I let that chick die.

I mean, what a cunt.

What a useless fuckin' cunt.

Grab the other bottle.

In the back.

Get us a shovel, will ya?

- Shovel?

- You don't want little ones

runnin' round that in the morning, do ya?

- Smashing good point, Lenny.

- Ranga on your right.

- Red pubes.

Reminds me of clowns for some reason.

Go, blonde chick.

English. 12:00.

- How do you know she's English?

- Her teeth.

I don't mind the odd crooked tooth.

Kinda like cubism. But talk about mind the gap.

Hey, so what's the go with sweet cheeks?

- New guy.

- On my patrol?

He's a little bit, uh...

- How's your father?

- Hoo-hoo.

Ooh, here we go.

Emergency.

Emergency.

- Jesus, Len.

- Oh, my god!

Nice first day today, kiddo!

Those boys at Tauranga don't know what they lost.

- I just got there first.

- Bit slow today, Captain.

- No one died.

Still a win-win, aye, chief?

You think you're so great.

Feelin' the reflected glory?

- What's that?

- Champs of this club.

- Yeah.

- Smithy.

Len Smithy.

- Five times.

- Generations, mate.

Me, my old man, and then some.

Older than the Greeks.

Older than the primordial ooze.

Back to the big fucking bang.

Any problems, and you let me know, all right?

- Yeah, right.

Do you remember when we were at school

and for some unknown reason, you're sick?

- Like the flu?

- Or food poisoning

or someone does something just,

ya know, turns your stomach.

- Like eat shit.

Yeah.

Yeah, like eat shit or something.

Anyways...

do you remember what the teachers used to do?

- No.

- They'd bring in sand.

They'd cover up the vomit with sand.

- So what's your point, Lenny?

- Just keep digging, man.

- Why? It's done.

- It's gotta be deeper...

Way deeper.

- Come on, Lenny!

- Come on, Lenny!

lifesavers: Down, down, down, down, down, down, down!

- Whoo!

Yeah!

- We've got something for ya, mate.

Enjoy!

- Whoo!

I'd tap that!

Nah, seriously, I'd fucking tap that!

Bit of privacy, aye?

I have a large penis.

It's not a blessing.

Trust me, it's not a blessing.

See, when I was 15, all us kids would get picked up

and driven to the club of a weekend.

One day, Mr. Smithy, Len's Dad,

had to stop off at the servo to get smokes.

And I was stuck in the back of the car with the other boys

Come on, Stuie, show us it!

No, I'm not fucking showing you.

One boy said, "Take off your clothes."

- Show us your dick.

- Fuck off.

- Massive. - Do it.

- "Come on, let's see it."

They tried to strip me.

boys: Show us your dick!

Show us your dick!

Show us your dick!

Show us your dick!

Show us your dick!

Show us your dick!

Show us your dick!

Show us--

- Then Mr. Smithy came back.

"Oy, boys!

What's going on?" he said.

"Nothing, Dad."

"Stuart?"

"Nothing."

But Len, Len wasn't happy about it at all

- So is it true?

- Fuck off.

"Because if it's true, you might consider

using your dick to your advantage," he said.

- Yep.

That's big.

What can you do with it?

- Not much.

It's just a dick.

- No, no, no.

It's a weapon.

It's a prop.

It's comedy gold.

- I can do this.

I said as I bent down and took my penis in my mouth.

- That's incredible.

- He said.

You do that in front of people, they won't hate you.

They'll accept you.

You can find popularity with your enormous dick.

And you should have a nickname,

a name that tells people that you're big

and you're proud.

- Meat.

- Meat.

Meat?

"M-E-A-T."

Meat.

Perfect.

That'll shut the old man up.

So if you're ever feeling, you know, whatever, just--

Just remember he's not all that bad.

Really, he's not all that bad.

- Thanks very much.

- Um, can I just grab a salad, please?

- He'll have a pie and chips. Thanks, Mary.

It's what we eat here, mate.

So what's your deal, mate?

- What do you mean?

- Where you from? Why you here?

Is there a god? All that other shit.

You got a girl?

- No.

- You ever had one?

- Right.

Do you need any assistance?

- Yeah, I can't see a price on this one.

- I think it's $7.

- $7?

- $3.

- See you later. - Yeah.

- You must be hard as a diamond.

- Championship's mine this year, mate.

- Gonna dethrone me?

- Yep.

- Gonna kill the king?

I'm gonna put his head on a stick.

Ha!

- Championship's mine this year, mate.

Yeah!

Yeah!

- Okay, so to celebrate,

I've got reservations for two

at the finest restaurant in town.

It's above-- I'm not gonna say--

but it's three chefs hats, okay?

- So you coming out with the boys tonight?

Yeah, well, I made a reservation for 7:30,

and you--

I mean--

- Okay.

- What the fuck?

Are you serious?

boys: We are the boys of Parer Vale

Hey!

Mighty club of New South Wales

Down South is where we are

At the beach or at the bar

In our red, gold, and blue

You can be a member too

- Our Philly's gonna be a man for the first time ever!

Whoo!

- Shots, boys?

Shots!

Share 'em out.

Hush now. Hush now.

Hush. Hush.

To Phil!

boys: To Phil!

- Whoo!

- Ahh!

- Whoo-hoo!

- You want to race?

- But there's no beach,

no sand, no buoys, no ocean.

- Cock race, Champ.

- Cock race.

- First one to pick up one of these lucky ladies.

- 'Cause a king needs a queen, right?

- Slow down, sweet cheeks.

It's just a root.

- Here you go, Phil.

- It kinda flows--

In, like, one sort--

- That sounds really good.

- Surf Lifesaver.

- Oh, you're a lifesaver.

- Lovely night for it, aye?

- You're still the champ to me, mate.

- Come on. What's your problem?

- This is a new fucking shirt!

Come here. Len.

Len!

Chill, mate.

- Come on!

Thanks for the support, boys!

Fuck you!

Haven't you got any fucking eyes?

Haven't you got-- Look at my fucking shirt!

- So I was talking to Mum yesterday, and she was like,

"I can't believe you're dating a lifesaver.

Does he make any money?"

We should get you something like that.

That's shocking. It's a shocker.

Well, that's exciting.

See, look at that. Look how smart you look.

I want you to be happy.

It's just that I should probably choose it.

- The buttons.

- What are you--

See what I'm talking about?

You just look so sophisticated.

- I can't.

- Okay, we'll get you a bigger size.

- So there I was in the ocean,

outside normal patrol.

It was a weekday,

and I was sporting

these fancy new pair of swimmers--

made the region look good,

if you know what I'm saying.

I see this woman

in the sea

swimming towards the rip.

I see her hair, right?

And it's clinging toward the top of the water.

I'm not sure what color it is.

It's--

It's wet.

All hair looks the same when it's wet.

But she's just, like,

swimmin' and swimmin' and swimmin',

headin' out to sea.

"Hey, where you goin'?" I say.

"Let go of me," she says.

"What are you doing?

The beach is that way."

"I don't want to go to the beach," she says.

"But if you keep goin' that way,

you'll drown," I say.

"I know," she says.

And then she kisses me...

soft and lovely on the mouth.

I kiss her back.

Not sure why I do.

I just--

I kiss her back.

I just watch her swim and swim and swim...

her legs kicking,

body starting to sink a bit,

and then she's gone.

Sunk.

Gone.

And I think of my swimmers,

my stupid new pair of swimmers.

And I feel foolish for buyin' them,

for wearin' them.

I just feel...

foolish.

- Maybe they went to Clovelly.

- Hey, watch this.

It's quite musical, really,

like a symphony, aye, Meat?

Don't go to symphonies much, Lenny.

- So?

So it's hard for me to make comparisons

if I don't go to symphonies, isn't it?

- Jesus.

Use your imagination.

You do have an imagination, don't ya?

- Fuck you, Lenny.

Like a fantasy.

Like a wank, like a fantasy wank.

I do like a fantasy wank.

- Eyes closed.

- In ya head.

- Someone dares you to kiss.

Someone dares you to strip.

Trying to fight? "Mortal Kombat"?

- Someone is there to hold you.

- Wow. Look at that.

- You're gonna love this place.

Horse riding, beautiful walks in the garden,

random sex on that verandah.

Oh, and they have this massage oil.

So awesome.

- Oh.

Uh, just one moment.

I'll call you right back.

I don't follow.

- Ah, in the rooms,

two bottles of essential oils.

So cute.

- Well, perhaps that was the previous owners.

They were rather creative.

Someone is dared to touch you.

- I had a particular fondness for the sandalwood.

- Uh, I don't really like sandalwood.

- What do you prefer?

Roman chamomile or sandalwood?

- I don't really have an opinion.

I mean I tried patchouli once,

but...

well, it didn't agree with me.

Made me feel sick.

- To suck you.

- Oh, my goodness.

In all the madness,

we just don't seem to have a double room for you.

I think maybe you'd be happier

at another sort of establishment.

- And then you come.

- In ya head.

- And in real life.

- I will

Sway

Think on it

20 times a day

- Hey, do you want me to go call them?

- Nah.

Nah, who needs them?

Right, Champ?

I want to be foolish.

I want to be fucked-pants foolish.

Whoo!

- So I got this Aunt Alex, right...

- Not Aunt Alex the tennis player?

- Nah, she's the one that was meant to be dead ten years ago.

- Ah, she's cute.

- Oh, you want to do my Aunt Alex?

- Nah, man, I'm just saying she's cute.

- 'Cause she's, like, 60, dude.

- I don't want to do your Aunt Alex.

- I mean, if you really want to do her, I'll set that shit up.

- No, isn't-- isn't Alex a dude's name?

- Which is ironic, 'cause this one day,

Aunt Alex asks me, "Leonard,

what did you have for breakfast this morning?"

- And you said? - I said I had Weet-Bix.

- And toast, mate. You always have toast.

- True, brother. Weet-Bix and toast.

- Yeah, and what'd she say?

- She said, "What did you do with the Weet-Bix and toast?"

I said, "I ate it.

I ate the Weet-Bix and toast."

And she said,

"So you did the normal thing.

You ate it."

I said, "Yeah, I did the normal thing.

I ate it."

And then she stares at me.

Like, not even blinking,

not even breathin', I reckon.

"So you didn't shove it up your ass.

"You did the normal thing

and didn't shove it up your ass."

- What am I?

- You're a champion.

- What do champions do?

- They win!

- So what am I gonna do?

- You're gonna win!

- Yeah, you're right, sweetheart.

Yeah, no worries.

How you goin', chief?

Mate, you ain't coming into my club.

- He's a little retarded.

Don't discriminate.

Where the fuck else are we gonna go?

- I don't give shit. Not here.

- Fuck this.

- Mate, I said you're not coming in.

- Touch me again. - Mate, just leave.

- No, no, no. Touch me again.

No, no, touch me again.

Touch me again.

In your cunt!

In your fucking cunt.

- Yeah, fuck off.

- Let's get your shoes off, aye, Phil?

Can't we just keep him here in--

- You scared?

- That's a dumb-ass,

fucking stupid thing to say.

- I think you're scared.

- I'm scared of a naked man?

- Yep.

- I hate naked men.

- You hate 'em?

- They make me sick.

- Don't you want to humiliate him?

Don't you think taking his clothes off

is the best way to humiliate him?

- I don't know.

- You remember at school...

Busty blondes or big dicks?

- Fuck off.

Fuck off.

Having a bit of a commie.

- Keep my ball.

- You and Patterson are a bit chummy, aren't ya?

- Michael.

- Myers?

- Patterson.

- I hated him.

- What did we do?

- When I caught you two batting each other off.

- Not that.

Michael.

Michael Patterson.

Remember what we did to him?

- Fucking funny.

- Yeah, and why'd we do that?

- For a laugh?

- And...

- 'Cause we didn't like him?

- So...

- So we did it 'cause we didn't like him.

We did it 'cause we didn't like him.

- It's on to the big one.

The surf lifesaver of the year award.

And...

The award--

the award this year goes to a bloke who,

a bloke who works hard.

It's a bloke who plays hard.

In fact, he's one of the foundations of this club,

and the bugger's won it five times in a row before.

So come on, Lenny, get your ass up here.

- Yeah!

Whoo!

Yo!

Whoo!

- Whoo!

- Whoo, Lenny!

crowd: Oy, oy, oy!

- Lenny, Lenny, Lenny!

crowd: Oy, oy, oy!

- Lenny! crowd: Oy!

- Lenny! crowd: Oy!

- Lenny, Lenny, Lenny! crowd: Oy, oy, oy!

- All right, pipe it down.

Pipe it down, fellas.

Thanks, old mate.

Big men don't become big without help.

You're not born big.

You're made big.

No, but...

but, ah, seriously...

I wouldn't be here if it wasn't for one bloke.

So it's with a heavy heart,

I dedicate this to you, Dad.

Smithy-man.

Father-champ.

- You're just a faggot like the rest of them, are ya?

You want to be a little girl like the rest of them?

Do you want to be a little girl?

That's what you are. You're a little girl.

- To your fucking memory.

- You're a faggot. Be a man about it.

Come on, Lenny, be a man about it.

What are you? Come on, Lenny.

Come on. what are you a girl?

Come on, push it, p--

- To Mick Smithy.

crowd: Mick Smithy!

- Good, good little Lenny. Good on ya.

Good, good, a man. That'll win.

You'll do it if you try.

That'll win every time.

Go on and beat your mate every time.

all: Come to the race on carnival day

Hey! We all win, and you will say

In the sea or on the sand

Greatest club in all the land

In our red, gold, blue

You could be a winner too

We are the boys of Parer Vale

Hey!

Mighty club of New South Wales

Down South is where we are

At the beach or at the bar

In our red, gold, and blue

You can be a member too

Whoo!

- Yeah!

Parer Vale!

What are you doing?

- Heading home.

Don't you want to drink with the big man?

Congratulations, Lenny, truly, but I'm heading home.

- Tonight's special, mate.

I don't feel like drinking tonight.

- Everyone drinks.

- Not tonight.

- Every night, mate.

- Yeah, right.

- I know about your friend.

Your little secret.

- And what?

- Fucking knew it!

I knew it!

In our own club!

In our own fucking club!

- Yeah, whatever, Lenny.

- So what's it like, huh?

What's it like to suck a guy's cock?

You fuck guys in the ass?

You glory-hole it up?

Hmm? Hmm?

- Get off me!

- Show me.

Show me how you do it.

Show me what you do when you suck a guy's cock.

- Get off!

- Hey, hey, Lenny boy.

What's happening here, aye, mate?

- Lenny, what's going on?

- He needs to go home.

- He wants to fuckin' what?

That's a fuckin' insult to the club, mate.

- I'll teach you not to fuck with tradition.

- Get off!

- Grab the other leg!

Whoo!

Is this what you want, Phil?

Is this what you want?

- Aw, shit.

I'll just get you some stuff, okay?

Do you--I'll just--

I'll just get you some stuff.

Hold on.

- Was it Len?

- Leave it.

- Just tell me what happened.

- Leave it.

- Lenny.

See you up in the tower, okay?

Take a seat, Lenny.

Anything happen after the ceremony?

- Not that I can recall.

You're out of the club, mate.

Len? You hear me?

You're gone.

- It's not true.

- Oh, Jesus.

- Slipped on the tiles.

I hit the mirrors myself.

I think Len was still with his father.

- Come on, dude. Let's just call it a night, hey?

- We'll go back to mine,

smoke some billies, eat some bacon.

- Fuck that.

- Lenny, you're too fucked up to pick up.

- Phil, this is your night.

You're the champ. We're not goin' home.

- You serious?

- Best place to pick up chicks, mate.

- Yeah, chicks with dicks.

- I read it in "GQ."

- I didn't know you read "GQ." - I hate "GQ."

Scared?

- We

used to walk

Used to walk

like we were free

We

We used to laugh

Used to laugh because we never knew

Come with me

I'll show you

Everything you wanted

Come with me

I'll show you

Everything you wanted

- Take off your clothes, Phil.

I don't think

he wants to take them off.

- Where you goin', Champ?

Look.

- Just fucking push him over.

- Grab his legs.

- Pants.

- Get off!

- Then...

Whip the fuckers off.

- What now?

- Take off his top.

- Me?

- I took off his pants.

You take off his top.

- Well, who-- who's gonna dig?

- Take off his top, Meat!

- You could split a guy in half with that thing.

I never thought of that.

Thanks.

- I'm Dan.

- Ah, see, no, I'm--

I'm actually here with a mate.

I'm-- I'm not...

- Yeah.

Of course not.

- I think that bloke's checking me out.

- We are in a gay bar.

Just finish your drink, and we'll go.

- He's not checking you out.

- Hey, um, you're not into guys at all, right?

- That's correct.

- How 'bout your friend?

- I'm not into him either.

- Lenny would never get with a guy?

I don't know; he looks like he's been

having a good time looking around.

- Yeah, that's just Lenny, though.

You know, he's always on alert, always on the tower.

Always, always looking for somebody in trouble.

- You were about to say something.

- Okay, the thing with Lenny...

I don't know.

He's definitely-- he's definitely not...

I must be off my chops.

- Do you ever think about the end of the world, Phil?

Do ya?

I do.

I imagine I'm the last person left.

You know, a giant tsunami hits the east coast,

and everyone dies...

I survive.

Little me,

useless me.

I mean, what a cunt.

What a useless fuckin' cunt.

Kind who can't even fish 'cause no one ever taught him.

Kind who can't have kids 'cause he just...

doesn't want any.

And what's it all matter for when it's all said and done?

The only real thing I can offer society is bait.

Yeah, that I can do.

I could be bait.

You have really nice eyebrows.

I think you find Phil attractive.

- Fuck off.

I think you do.

- And you don't?

- I hate the cunt.

Well, I'm not touching his undies.

- I just took off his top.

- I'll spud ya.

Two, three.

You always choose scissors, you dumb cunt.

- Fuck off.

- Well, take off his undies.

- Can I get you something?

- How about a big sack of fuck off.

- Lenny, this is Tom.

- Too much of a good thing, hey, Lenny?

- Don't patronize me.

- Lenny just...

Well, we're gonna go.

Early start in the morning and all that.

- Phil is the new champ.

- Yeah, but Tom has got his early start...

- We're mates. - Let's go home.

- Champ. - I think Phil here

can make up his own mind.

Right, Champ? We're mates. Stay.

- I'm the champ.

It's tradition.

- Yeah, yeah, but you're at a gay bar with him.

- See you at home?

- Or not.

Probably not.

- You are such a faggot.

- Yeah!

- Faggot!

- Yeah.

Totally.

I'm gonna check out downstairs.

Have you been yet?

- For fuck, Phil!

- Grab him.

- He's slippery.

- Grab him.

- Shut up, Phil.

Shut the fuck up!

- How does it feel, Champ?

You feel humiliated?

He's covering himself up.

Do something about that, Meat.

- No.

No.

You got a small dick.

Is that it, Champ?

- He's got a foreskin.

- I hate foreskins.

Ooh!

- Don't you wish you had a prepuce?

- Prepuce?

- Foreskin.

- Why didn't you just say "foreskin"?

- 'Cause I said prepuce. Fuck. What?

You never think about it?

- I don't want cheese shit under my...

prepuce.

- I didn't have a say about my circumcision,

they just whipped off the top.

- You still have an impressive dick, though.

Because I don't have a prepuce,

I'm not protected against the...elements.

- Like wind and rain...

The inside of dick togs, Len.

All that rubbing must of had an effect.

Maybe even sharpened it, like a pencil.

So your penis is like a pencil?

- I'm just saying

I would've liked to been asked

if I wanted the sleeping bag or not.

You know, there's the look of it,

there's the fact that it's--

it's not as sensitive--

- And there's the fact

that your penis looks like a pencil.

- Fuck you!

That is not fair.

- I'm sorry.

Friends?

- Friends.

And where you off to, Champ?

Hey!

Check it out.

It's the funniest home video waiting to happen.

Fuck me.

Two legs, one hole, you dumb cunt?

It's two legs, two holes, Phillip.

There you go, you little dog boy.

Out from the jungle.

Out from the cave.

Out from under daddy's house, you moron.

Jesus.

Did I say you could go wandering?

Huh?

Come here.

You don't do anything

until I tell you.

Okay?

Hit yourself.

- You want it?

- Hit yourself.

Harder.

Harder.

Harder.

Like that?

- No, Phil.

Like this.

Look at the two lovers together.

- Fuck off.

- Get up, Phil.

Get up!

Fuck yourself.

Fuck yourself.

Put your fingers up your asshole and fuck yourself.

- Leave him alone, Len.

- Shut up. - Len!

- Shut up!

- Wow.

All right, leave him be, Len.

- Nah, nah, nah, nah, nah.

- He's had enough, Len.

- Not yet.

- Had enough, Phil.

- Move it.

Make love.

In,

out.

In,

out.

Fuck me.

Move it.

- In,

out.

In,

out.

Make love.

- That's it, sweetheart.

That's it.

- You've trained harder than him.

- What am I?

- You're a champion.

- Yeah.

What do champions do? - They win.

- So what am I gonna do? - You're gonna win!

- Whoo!

Whoo!

- On your knees, baby champ.

On your knees.

- Len?

- Maybe we should get Phil home.

- Little Lenny is a poof--

- Grab him, Meat!

Grab him! Give him the rum.

Give it to him, give him more rum.

Hold him down. - I'm trying.

- More!

Baby champ.

Little baby champ Lenny.

I'll show you how to suck a cock.

- Get in it.

Get in.

Vomit.

- I think he's empty.

In.

Fuckin' all the way down. All the way in.

Retch.

I want to hear you retch.

In. Fuckin' in.

Fuckin' in. Fuckin' in!

I want to hear you retch.

- In. Fuckin' in.

Fuckin' in!

Retch!

Fuckin' in!

In! In!

Be a fuckin' man about it!

Put it in,

down your throat!

Get in.

Fill in the hole, Meat.

- No, mate.

- No, mate?

- Yeah. No, mate.

- Don't call me that.

Fucking use that as a fucking thing...

a fogbank to hide behind,

'cause I don't want that.

I don't want to sit in the locker room at half-time

sucking oranges with you and the others.

Oh, mate, remember last night, mate?

So fucking funny, mate.

So fucking funny.

Fucking great.

But it's not fucking great, mate.

It's bullshit, mate.

It's not fucking men.

Not like those footballers

whose plane crashed in the Andes

and had to eat each other to stay alive.

I love those guys.

They're mates.

True mates.

So if we ever go down in a plane,

and we--

and we eat each other to stay alive,

then you can call me a mate.

Then and only then fucking then, amigo.

Then and only then fucking then.

- Now, fill in the hole, Meat.

What's that spade work?

- I'm filling in the hole.

- That's not filling in the hole.

- I pick up the sand, and I push it into the hole.

- You look like a girl.

You don't have to pick up

every granule of sand

and place it delicately into the hole.

You pick up wads,

stacks of sand...

And put it into the hole.

It's quicker, if I could be so bold.

More manly.

Do you throw like a girl?

- You're trying me. - You run like a girl?

- Please, don't--

- Swim like a girl?

- Shut up!

- Because you hit like a girl.

- You...

You touched me.

- What?

- You touched my penis.

- I did not.

- Do you want to touch it?

Is that what you want?

- Don't flatter yourself, boy.

- Well, you went to grope.

- It was an accident.

- You want to touch it?

Touch it. Come on, make me hard.

Touch it. Feel it!

- Piss off!

- You liked it, though, didn't ya?

And you fancy Phil.

You come down here, get him drunk.

You get him naked; bury him?

All because you fucking like him.

I'm not a fucking idiot, Len.

You watch him in the showers.

You watch him all the time.

You go to his bunk, and you kiss him good night.

Hose him into the urinals.

And then--

then you cut him with the fragments of the mirror

you made him smash with his own fuckin' head.

- Wrong!

You dumb fuck-up!

- I'm not a fuck-up!

- You're a Grade A fuck-up!

- I'm not a fuck-up!

- Yeah?

Yeah?

Then what are ya?

I don't know.

I'm a man, I guess.

- You're a man?

No, no, no, no.

I'm a man!

- I'm more of a man than you are.

- I can swim further than you.

- And that proves you're a bigger man?

- Fuck yeah!

- All right.

- You're going down, boy. - Hey.

Hey!

Ahh!

Len!

Help!

Help!

Len!

Len!

- Len!

- Len!

- Come on.

- Come on.

Ah, fuck.

- I will

Sway

Think on it

20 times a day

My mind

It strays

Buckle down

or under

Goes either way

First time in a long time

In a long line of last times

First time in a long time

In a long line of last times

Last time

Last time

Last time

Last time

Last time

Last time