Original subtitles

Subtitles by explosiveskull

Mom, wait.

Oh.

Danny, can you get the plate?

Sure.

Hurry, the asparagus is burning.

You're driving, right?

I guess so.

Mom.

You get the tickets. I'll get the keys.

Want something?

No, I shouldn't.

What if we split?

Hmm?

Mmm.

What is our Netflix password anyway?

I literally tell you every day.

Literally, huh?

It's a figure of speech, Joan.

The password's "Go To The Gym."

Wake me up at 7:30.

Ugh!

It's so early.

Maybe I should just sleep in my own bed tonight?

Whatever you want.

No, it's okay.

I'll make do.

You look... cute.

What's that supposed to mean?

What?

You hesitated.

I didn't.

"You look...

cute."

That's what you said.

Okay. Okay.

I still don't know about the bag.

I don't know. Feel like it kinda wraps the whole thing together.

I know.

But do you want to be carrying it the whole day?

That's what I was thinking.

Right.

This looks... like garbage.

Oh, my God, Danny!

I didn't know you were coming.

Same!

And Joan. Hi!

Aw!

Congratulations, Tanya.

Thank you.

Oh, you're so sweet.

So, can you believe college is already over?

I mean, life is like flying by.

I know, right?

- Tell me about it. - Oh, my God!

Melanie. Hey!

I haven't seen you forever.

Oh, thank you.

Yeah, it would be for a TV show, a news show.

- Mom. - What?

I don't want you to jinx it.

Right.

Excuse me.

- Yo, Danny - Oh, shit, Khris.

- I didn't know that you were still around. - What's good, man?

- How you doing? - Yeah. Yeah.

Hold on.

Wow, you got some moves.

Seasoned pro.

How long are you in town for?

I, uh, I'm just waiting to hear back

from some jobs and...

Who the fuck really knows, man.

Word, man. Word.

I've been here for about a month or so.

And I was like,

"Of course we can volunteer at the soup kitchen."

- We'd be glad to help. - Thank you.

I heard she got, like, some sick job in fashion.

Like... uh, Bergdorf or something.

Yeah. But I heard she's an assistant.

So, do you still smoke a lot of pot?

What?

Do you maybe have some here?

I cannot believe you embarrassed me

in front of all my friends.

They're not your friends, Mom.

They're just a bunch of rich white people from New Jersey.

Oh, and what would you call yourself then, Danny?

I don't know.

Queer.

I don't like that word.

We're reclaiming it.

What did they teach you at that school anyway?

Have you ever heard of intersectionality?

What?

I don't know. I need a bag. I think I might throw up.

So, George asked me out last night.

Mr. Rosenberg.

Oh.

I said no.

He's just so skeevy.

He asked me if hairdressing was a job or just a hobby.

Gross.

But it got me thinking.

I should really start dating again.

You know, your mom is quite a catch.

Is this because I puked on Tanya's begonias?

No, Danny.

I've been feeling like this for a long time.

Ever since Sidney and I broke up.

- But you dumped him. - I know.

He was such a square.

He was the first man I dated after your dad passed.

I know.

Can I?

I just want someone who makes me smile,

who makes me laugh.

I mean, I'm hilarious.

See?

What are you doing?

- I'm helping her bag. - No, Mom.

I mean, this is wasting a lot of plastic.

Where are the reusable bags I got you? Here.

We can just fit these in here. Thank you.

That's too much. That's...

It's fine.

Sorry.

So, are you gonna help me

or are you just gonna sit on the computer all day?

Mom?

What are some of my long-term goals?

Excuse me?

This guy on Match is asking.

- You're already on Match? - Yeah.

What are some of your long-term goals?

I don't know.

Maybe a beach house.

I can fuck with that.

Daniel.

Maybe I'm thinking too small.

Oh, he's old.

Old like a fox is old.

Silver.

He's a little short for me.

You should make an account.

Oh, no. I've done that.

I don't need to see any more dick pics, thank you.

- What? - Anyways,

I don't think dating will be that fruitful here, you know.

I mean, I'm only gonna be here for a few weeks tops.

You could be here longer, you know.

Yeah. I'll have fun

talking to Lionel The Lionhearted 6-2-3.

Good God, Mom.

My name is Magnus.

I'm 27,

looking for love in all the wrong places.

Also, I'm a registered nurse.

My likes include compost,

stone fruit, and Enya.

My name is Levantre.

I am 23 years old,

ad Paris is burning!

Jamal, 22.

Science major looking to create some chemistry.

Also, no blacks.

What? Come on.

Stephen, 26.

No fems allowed.

I do yoga every damn day.

Patrick, 25.

- Hey, I'm Mark. - You don't go to the gym.

- I'm Courtney. - I'm Kristin.

Tobias, 23, and...

we're looking for a fourth.

Mmm.

The forecast mostly sunny...

...with the top photographer at the time...

...designed for a convenient way to exercise anywhere.

A mesh canopy supports your head and neck,

and there are no hinges or moving parts to break.

You can flip it over for dips too.

- Mom? - Shh.

I don't want the dogs to know I'm here.

I can't believe you just leave them down there in the basement.

You're allergic.

Only sometimes.

And they pee everywhere.

How was your morning?

Thrilling.

Did you get any writing done?

Not really.

I'm feeling kind of uninspired.

Feel like I need to get into a routine or something.

That's an idea.

I cut Michelle's hair today.

She says they're looking for people.

Great.

Well, you should reach out.

I mean, you need to find a way to make money.

I don't really remember

the Dewey decimal system, to be honest.

And I have a job.

You do?

Yes. I'm just waiting for someone

to pay me to do it.

Well, maybe if you spent more time writing

and less time in front of the boob tube.

Okay.

Sit here.

Hey, how are you?

Daniel.

- No phones at the front desk. - Right.

Sorry.

Shelve these for me.

- Hey. - Hi.

How can I help you?

Sorry.

I've been told that one of the biggest weaknesses that I have

is that I can be, um, sometimes too polite which is...

uh, great...

for the...

uh, sorry, for the workplace.

It's just like a part-time thing.

Uh, just living that high school aesthetic

till I can, like, afford to exist.

Ah, I feel you.

My mom and the librarian go way back, so...

Yeah, I've been interviewing for weeks.

The grind is killing me.

Oh. Right. Hence the blazer.

I hate Skype interviews, they're so awkward.

I'm better in the room, you know?

Totes.

Uh, hey, I don't think I have your number anymore.

Oh, yeah, um...

Oh.

Come here! Come here, come here, come here.

He's cute.

I don't mind the Bermuda shorts.

- Hey, Lisa. - Hey, honey.

What are you guys doing?

We are trying to find your mother

a proper male escort.

Oh, my God.

She's a stalker.

She's literally found their addresses.

Mm-hmm. Everything. Their measurements...

I don't doubt it.

Wait. Oh!

Now, he's cute. He is foxy.

Look, Joanie.

And he's a CEO.

- How do you know that? - Hello.

Psychic and LinkedIn. It's right there.

Wait. Hold on. Let me just...

Oh, my God. Is that his Facebook page?

Mm-hmm. And that's his...

wife? No, daughter.

Oh, God. I'm out.

No, honey, stay with us.

Drink with us.

- Hmm. - Okay.

Mm-hmm. No.

No. One earring does not do it.

Do two or forget it. Next.

No. Bow tie. Go.

- He's cute. He's very cute. - Hmm.

Oh, send him a message or a poke or a prick.

What do I say.

I don't know. I feel like maybe you should just wait

for him to message you.

- Oh, wow! - Play it cool.

Come on.

What happened to Wild Lady Gaga Danny?

When did you become Conservative Danny Duggart?

I'm just saying.

I feel like straight people

are into gender roles or whatever.

Well, I'm saying break that rule,

break and bury that outdated sexist rule,

and you are a catch,

and you should message him.

He'd be lucky to have you.

Isn't that right, Danny?

I mean, isn't your mom's hole a total ace?

- Eww! - Lisa!

What? What?

I said she's...

- she's a ace in the hole. - No.

You didn't say that though.

- That is not what you said. - No.

- All right. - Oh!

My hole is an ace.

Totally.

Oh, God.

Oh, Lord almighty, I've killed my bestie.

Are you okay?

Drink. Breathe. Breathe.

- Okay. - Okay.

I'm gonna do this. I'm gonna do it!

Yeah. Hashtag feminism.

Exactly, hashtag feminism.

- I'm too old for this. - No, you are not too old.

And old is good, by the way. I love getting old.

The older you get, the less and less you give a shit

about anyone or anything.

- Clearly. - Mm-hmm.

All right, look at that.

"Nice to meet your virtual acquaintance."

- Mom! - What? I haven't met him yet.

You cannot say that.

Come on.

- Oh, my God. - Oh, you're good.

- It's good. - I try.

Yeah.

- Oh. - Oh.

Somebody sexting you?

Come on.

Oh, look at that little sly smirk.

Hmm?

- Uh, is it a fella? - A fella?

It's no one. He's from LA.

Oh, sorry. Excuse me, California.

- Is it your ex? - No.

No. It...

Okay, it's Khris.

- Khris? As in Khris Restrepo? - Hmm.

But he was just at the party? How could he be in Los Angeles?

Mom, I was lying.

Is he even gay, honey?

It doesn't matter anymore?

As long as he has a huge dick?

Amen.

Oh, my God.

- Lisa's a nutjob. - I know.

I love it.

She's already sent me three Facebooks today.

- She's like a spy. - Are you serious?

I think she's enjoying this more than me even.

I mean, she has been married to the same man for 30 years.

She's probably pretty bored.

I suppose.

So, what are you doing today?

Big toes together.

Just a little bit of space between your heels.

Lower your hips. Lift your belly.

Arms high...

And then join your hands...

- What's up? - Sorry!

There you are.

You're writing?

Barely.

I wanted to give the bitches some air.

Guess what?

I have a date tonight.

Oh, that's... that's great.

Uh, with the CEO?

Someone else.

That's exciting.

I'm freaking out.

What am I gonna wear?

I feel frumpy.

That's because you wear loose things.

You gotta keep it tight.

Then he'll see my stomach.

Yeah, whatever.

Here, try this.

I'm so glad you're gay.

You know I don't like that.

- What? - Stereotypes.

Well, if the heel fits.

I'll let you change.

What?

That was funny.

So?

Holy shit, you look like a MILF.

- Really? - Uh, like a classy one.

I regret calling you a MILF.

If for some reason I disappear,

his name is Chester Patterson,

and we're meeting at Brenda's,

so you can start the search there.

Mom, I think if he was going to murder you,

he'd use, like, an alias or something.

Oh, my God, you're right.

- Oh, my God. - You're gonna be fine.

Just go have fun.

Okay. Okay.

This is exciting.

- I love you. - I love you, too.

Uh, so who you buying weed from

in these parts?

Oh, dude, I don't even know.

This is from a homie at school.

I could hook you up with someone though.

I mean, like, he's kind of local.

Oh, no, that's okay.

I got into a really bad habit

of smoking, like, once a day.

Maybe twice.

Three times, max.

But... this is pretty dank.

Oh. It's all right.

Yo, where are your dogs?

I can't believe they're just, like, cooped up in here all day.

I know. Uh, but I got like...

pretty allergic to them when I went away.

Oh, dude, that sucks.

Yeah, I feel bad, but...

you know, they're like rabid now.

Oh, man, I love playing with dogs when I'm high.

Same.

Oh, yo, dude. This is retro.

Uh, yeah.

Remember playing Battlefront,

like, all the time in eight grade?

- It was so fire. - Yeah.

Fire.

So, "Star Wars" is what made me wanna make movies

in the first place actually.

It's so cool that you're doing that.

- Really? - Yeah.

I don't know. I mean, hopefully, one day it will be cool.

I feel like right now I'm just, like... floundering.

Uh, but you're working on something?

Yeah, uh, a spec.

It's a script.

Um, but hopefully that plus the TV job will...

get me into a writer's room.

Yeah, that's sick.

Uh, what's your script about?

Oh, I don't actually like to, like,

talk about it till I'm done.

Oh, yeah, for sure. It's fine.

Yeah, it's a gay marriage movie called "He Said Yes."

It's pretty stupid actually.

Nah, it's nice.

I don't even wanna get married.

Why not?

I don't know. I mean...

is it natural for two people

to wanna be together for the rest of their life?

Oh, well, I mean, my parents are still together.

Yours are an exception.

I mean, look, I don't know. I... I guess I just feel guilty

that I don't wanna get married now that we, like, can.

We fought so hard for it.

Now, I just feel, like, ambivalent about the whole situation.

- Word. - Yeah.

You know, it's really cool you came out, by the way.

What?

No, no, it's, uh...

It's just a funny way of putting it, but thank you.

I'm glad you think it's cool.

Uh...

Was I ever really in, is my question.

You know, that's so true, actually.

Oh, hi, Khris.

Mrs. Wallace, it's good to see you.

What have you guys been up to?

You're acting so weird. What's...

Uh, I'm gonna go.

Yeah.

I'll see you.

So how was your date?

Marijuana under my roof?

Really?

Our roof?

Oh, are you paying rent now?

Do you want me to start?

Well, if you're gonna be a bum, yeah.

I thought you came back to get away from that sort of thing.

I know. I'm sorry.

But, like, you do know that

alcohol is much worse for you, right?

- Oh, I don't believe that. - Oh, Mom,

stop buying into this Nancy Reagan bullshit

and read an article for once.

I read.

Marijuana's illegal, Daniel.

Not everywhere.

Well, you're not in California anymore.

Yeah, no shit.

Why don't you air out the living room.

I don't feel like smelling your drugs.

We smoked outside.

Excuse me?

So the neighbors could see you?

No one saw us.

What, would you rather we smoke in my room?

Your room?

You know what, why don't you sleep there tonight

if you're suddenly such a badass.

What?

I mean, we should probably get used to it anyway.

It's not normal.

What even is normal?

The patriarchy is normal.

And you know my mattress hurts my back.

There's air freshener under the sink.

I'm going to bed.

And he was really sweet.

You know? I had a good time.

So, we'll see.

'Sup. You horny?

- Sure. - Any more pics?

Ugh!

I meant nudes, dude.

Yeah, I know.

- Nice. - You like it?

Oh, yeah.

So, what do you want to do to me?

Fuck you.

- Hard. - Oh, yeah?

- You wanna meet up. - Ever tried poppers?

I actually don't know what that is.

Makes you loose.

Oh. Um... kinda sounds like a lot.

It's cool.

I promise.

I don't even know who you are,

so... that could...

You're funny.

Man, I would fuck you so hard,

we won't even need a condom.

What?

Oh, God. Okay.

Seriously, I'm not gonna have sex with you, okay.

But if you want a blowjob, let's meet up.

- That's it? - Yes.

I don't even know where you've been, man.

And honestly, I don't really want to have sex right now.

I had a huge dinner.

Just a little ass play?

Okay.

Where do you want to meet?

Let me see that ass, one more time.

- Ooh. - Bend over.

- What? Oh. - Bend over.

Yeah, I'm pretty sure there's, like, a park around the corner

if you just wanna meet there.

Um...

Fucking son of a bitch.

So what's this guy's name again?

Chester.

Hmm. Chester.

Yeah.

Isn't that like a dog's name?

Be nice.

He's nice.

He's nice.

So, guess it's back to the web then.

What?

No.

Nice is good.

Why is nice bad?

I don't know. I just feel like it's...

what you say when there's, like, nothing really else to say.

Oh, no.

I think nice is good.

Nice and... sweet and fun.

Are you sure you're not, like...

settling?

I don't think so.

We were there for almost an hour

before we even ordered.

Just talking.

He texted me good night, too.

- Really? - Yeah.

So what's he do?

He's in plastics.

And before you call him a blood-sucking demon, they're renewable.

They're made of corn.

Did you check his credentials?

- Lisa did. - Hmm.

Oh, and he's an artist.

He plays guitar in a band.

Stop it.

What? I thought you'd appreciate that.

I do. It's just... classic.

Anyway, I brought a bottle of wine to dinner.

It's, you know, a BYOB place.

- The best. - Hmm.

I didn't wanna take your red,

but all I had was a giant magnum of Pinot.

- You didn't. - I did.

But I left it in the car.

By the time I remembered, we were on to dessert.

He said we'd have to split the wine next time.

- Next time? - Yeah.

Ooh, maybe that's him.

It is.

I sent him one of those picture thingys a video picture.

- A GIF? - Yeah.

Is that how it's pronounced?

No one really knows.

What are you doing?

Texting.

You can't respond right away.

You sent him three messages in a row.

Mom, no.

What?

You gotta play the game.

Game? What game?

Chester doesn't think like that.

You went on, like, a date with him.

How do you know how he thinks?

Here, will you drive? I don't want to text behind the wheel.

Sure.

What's another way to say LOL?

Okay. I think you need younger friends.

Aw! Joan, like, deserves it.

How did they meet?

Some dating site actually.

I was pretty sure, like, she would meet some duds at first,

but she kinda hit the jackpot.

Good for her.

Those are, like, really in right now.

- Yeah. - I should make a profile.

Don't you have a boyfriend?

I mean, we're not, like, exclusive or whatever.

Hmm. Right.

How's your job search going?

Or are you like even looking?

Kind of. I don't know.

I'm basically waiting around for an email, so...

Well, did you, like, follow up with them?

Of course.

I literally wrote them a letter by hand.

- Wow. - Hmm.

But that was two weeks ago, so...

I don't know, I just don't want to be annoying.

Danny, you need to take charge.

Sheryl Sandberg says it's important to, like,

make yourself heard.

You working girl.

I'll draft you an email.

It's really okay.

No, seriously, it's like the least I can do.

If I were you, I would die.

Come on.

I mean, it's a gay club.

Why do straight girls have to come in and ruin it?

Girl, it's all about ratios.

A straight guy's got a better chance getting laid here

than anywhere else.

- Raiders are gross. - Girl.

No, I don't do tobacco.

What about crack?

- Hey. - Hey.

Can we go?

Just... Just a few more minutes.

Oh. Sorry.

- Hey, I'm Danny. - Tsk!

Oh.

I like your profile.

A masc for masc only.

Oh. Okay.

Hey, you looking for a threesome?

Not... particularly.

Tease.

Oh.

Danny...

I'd like you to meet Chester.

- Hey. - Hey, nice to meet you.

Your mom's told me a lot about you.

Likewise.

I mean, uh, not a lot, but...

Yeah, hell with that.

I don't know anything about you.

In fact, who are you? Are you related?

Depends on his mood actually.

- Cute. - Hmm.

So, how was the city?

Uh, fine. Not too memorable.

How's Tanya doing?

Good. Um...

Well, she's kind of a cunt.

- Daniel! - Sorry, she is.

You just met him, and you're saying that?

Sorry. I am, like, a feminist...

Oh, it's fine.

Sailor talk's a full notch above small talk.

- Aargh. - Aargh!

Wait, I said sailors, not pirates.

What?

So what are you guys doing today?

I know...

Oh! Whoa!

Easy does it.

- All right. - All right?

Is that funny, too?

Oh!

Oh, no!

- Oh, my God. - Oh!

- Sorry. Didn't mean to sneak up on you. - Hi.

It's okay.

So, your mom says you're quite the yogi.

Mm-hmm.

- Yeah? - Hmm.

I tried yoga.

Once.

I could barely touch my toes.

Same. Yeah. When I started.

It was the same for me, too.

Did you need something in the kitchen?

No, I didn't, no.

I... Yeah, I mean, yes, I did.

I... A towel.

Oh, yeah, totally.

- Well, we keep... - Oh, here.

- Oh. - Oh, sorry. No. This. Fine.

Hi, boys.

Hey.

We are thinking about grilling later.

You want to join us?

Uh, actually, I have a date.

- Really? - Yeah.

It's not a big deal. I'm not that into him,

but he's cute, so...

Is he dark?

What?

However you would say it. Ethnic or...

Mom.

What? You date darker guys.

Yeah, he's Filipino.

See, you have a type.

Okay, but I feel like having a type is racist, okay?

Anyway,

I'm gonna go get ready.

Nice chat.

Hi. Um, it's under Wallace. For two.

Sorry, I'm late.

Is he here?

- Hey. - I hurt my foot.

- What? - I hurt my foot, so I can't come.

Sorry.

- Oh. - That's S-R-Y.

Right.

Laura told me you work in advertising.

How did you get into that?

I graduated with a degree in marketing.

Started working for my father's company right outta college.

So that's how you made the transition

from school mascot.

Ah.

That's one thing I was hoping...

Oh, Danny.

How did it go?

It was good.

What's wrong?

Nothing. No... I'm just, I'm just tired.

I'm fine.

- I'm fine. - Mom.

We were watching a movie...

Chester and I and...

I...

I mean, I was feeling...

good...

for the first time in a long while.

I mean, really good.

And...

I just started thinking about Daddy,

and I got so guilty.

I mean, that's his couch.

And Chester noticed and...

He noticed that I was acting weird,

and I didn't know what to do

and I panicked and...

told him I was tired and asked him to leave.

What?

I thought I was ready to start dating again.

You know I'll never love anyone as much as Daddy.

Right?

I know.

So, does this mean you don't want to see Chester anymore?

I don't know.

I mean, no.

No, I'm just throwing myself a little pity party.

Do you like him?

Yes. Yeah.

You know, it takes me a while to warm up to anyone.

He's great.

He is great.

How was your date?

It was good.

It was good.

Um...

He was nice.

Ah!

Nice.

He paid, so...

Well, at least you went out.

Yeah.

How do you decide who pays?

I don't know. It's not really assumed.

He offered, so...

Interesting.

Okay, Mom.

I'm gonna hit the hay.

I'll be up in a little bit.

Sleeping in my room now, remember?

I know.

I was just saying.

Good.

Good.

Yo.

Hey, I was wondering if maybe you could,

um, send me the number of that guy you were talking about.

Feeling a little blocked.

Uh, sorry, dude. Yeah.

My homie from school's down the Shore, actually.

Oh.

Um, but there's actually this other kid I know about.

Um, the only thing is he's in high school.

- Ah... - Friends with my little bro.

That's embarrassing.

Yeah.

That's Norman's house.

- Dude, my mom's here. - What the fuck?

- Yeah. Sorry. - Jesus, man. Fuckin'...

Yeah.

- Yo. - Dude, what the fuck?

My mom's here. I'd to run 'round the back.

Oh, shit.

So, are, are we trying to drive away or...

No, man. It's totally chill. I just don't want her watching.

For sure.

All right. Um, this is my friend, Danny.

Danny, what's up, man?

Boom! Brap, brap, brap!

This guy's chill.

So, how much you want?

Oh, uh...

I don't know. I was thinking maybe you could just

roll me, like, three joints.

You want me to roll you three joints?

Yeah. I'm trying to cut back

- and don't have a bong at home. - That sucks, man.

You could always make an apple bong.

And I'm not a child, so.

I was kidding.

I used to blaze like that every day in seventh grade.

Oh, do you have to, uh, like, do that in here?

My mom has this really heightened sense of smell.

Don't be such a pussy, dude.

That's, like, kind of sexist.

I love this guy. "That's sexist."

So, how much?

Forty bucks.

Forty bucks for three joints?

That's fair.

I miss California.

I'm gonna go ahead and put that on the list

of personal low points for me.

Dude, I know.

All the old dealers are in rehab, but whatever.

This town's so fucking dry.

How old is that kid?

Fifteen, I think.

Jesus.

You wanna get some food or something?

Fine. I could actually go for some diner food.

How many times can I be high at the diner?

Oh, so is that a no?

- No. I'm down. - Perf...

Oh, fuck. That producer.

Producer?

Oh, that show.

Oh, what does it say?

These are due in about two weeks,

and you can just leave that in the box outside.

It's usually easier than talking to people.

- Hey. - Find everything okay?

Yeah, thanks.

Oh, wow.

- Thank you. - Oh, of course.

I can tell you're so special.

Really?

Yes, you deserve to be happy.

- Rich. - Thank you.

You should have got that TV job?

- Right? - You're so qualified.

Come to Los Angeles with me.

I'll give you all the money that you need

to make your dreams come true.

That's...

Thank you.

But now, lean back.

Let me give you the best blowjob of your life.

I mean, okay.

Sorry.

Is everything all right?

You seem a little off today.

- I do? - Yeah.

- I quit. - What?

Oh, did you get that TV job? Oh, that's great.

Your mom was telling me how much you wanted that...

No, I didn't get the TV job.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Don't be. I'm moving back to California.

You are?

Yeah.

Yes.

Hey, this is Danny.

I don't know why I'm leaving a voice mail,

but, um, I have, like, a pretty crazy idea

so call me back.

Danny, can I come in?

One minute.

- Hi. - Hi, I'm going right back to work.

I just wanted to check in.

Uh-huh?

Um, I patched things up with Chester.

I explained why I was so weird the other night,

and... he said he's always here if I need to talk.

That's sweet.

Why's that window open?

It's a nice day.

It's hot,

and you're burning candles?

Mom, so this show in New York's been staffed.

Oh, honey.

No, it's fine. It's fine.

Um, because...

I think I'm gonna go back to LA actually.

- You are? - Yeah.

I mean, I've been getting so anxious

to get back there, and there's...

I mean, nothing here for me so...

I mean, you're here, but...

Right. Right.

And I've been looking into couch-surfing

because I'm gonna be road-tripping with Khris.

Oh, I see.

Yeah, I mean, he's totally down,

and he's unemployed, too, so...

Hmm.

In whose car?

My car. So I can have it out there.

That's my car.

Mom, it was my car when I lived there,

and you need a car in LA.

Well, you can ask, you know.

Okay, can I have it?

Well, actually, I was thinking about selling it.

Well, when were you gonna tell me that?

If you think this is the best thing to do,

then I support you.

Always.

Thanks.

I mean emotionally.

I can't help you out there.

It's... It's too expensive. I...

I know, Mom.

Do you even have a place to stay?

Yes, with Patricia, like we discussed.

- Patricia? - My college roommate.

Oh. Right. Sorry.

I'm gonna stay with her family

for a little bit until we find a place.

Do you even have a job out in California?

- No. - Danny!

Mom, can you stop pressuring me, okay.

I'm doing it enough myself.

I'll freelance, I'll drive a fucking Uber.

I don't care. Okay?

I have to go. I am suffocating here.

I know.

I'm just gonna miss you.

Well, you can always move out there with me.

There's a thought.

There better be no pot on this trip, Daniel.

No pit stops in Colorado.

Mom, no.

Of course not.

Where is your mother?

Joanie?

- Thank you. - Yeah.

So, I'm on, um...

one of those dating sites.

Looking around at the dating sites.

- For your mom. - Right.

Kind of and, um...

I see a... profile,

and it looks familiar, but it's fuzzy.

And so...

I click on it, and, uh...

it's Jeff.

And I'm not surprised

because he's a fucking asshole

and a pathological liar.

Do you have any idea how many men have asked me out

and hit on me over the years?

Just guess.

- Guess. - Um...

Say a number.

Fifteen.

A lot have.

And I, you know, of course I never slept with them

because one of us is a decent human being.

- Right? - Totally.

And then you get fucked

'cause he's a liar, and people don't change.

I knew that.

Yeah, people don't change.

Lisa, everything okay?

- Jeff's cheating on her. - Oh, my God.

I know.

I gotta go.

I'm planning things with Khris?

- Oh, okay. - Good luck.

Yeah.

Actually, we could do the trip in, like, four or five days max.

Sounds dope.

And, like, I think we could just drive

straight to the middle states, you know.

I mean, I've been to Kansas before,

and I don't really know what it has to offer other than, like,

farmland and windmills.

I wanna see red rocks.

Colorado's the spot. We got to crash there for a few days.

Yeah.

I've got a few homies there, so...

You want a beer?

- Or wine? - That.

Yeah. What, red or...

- Ideally, yeah. - Yeah?

Actually, I could have a beer.

Yeah?

I mean, you have a lemon?

I'm kidding.

Oh, that's probably the dudes.

The dudes?

- Yo, what's up? - Yo!

Sorry, what are you guys doing these days?

I hate this question, but I literally have no idea.

Yeah, just working.

Really?

Yeah, I'm an analyst in iBank.

That's cool.

Yeah, I'm training. I just started this week.

Congrats.

Danny, what do you do?

Oh, just some film stuff.

Uh, recently, I just applied to this,

this TV job in the city,

but it didn't really work out, so...

I'm commuting there now.

- It sucks. - Oh, man. Don't get me started.

Yeah, but I can't afford to pay rent in the city yet. The rent's fucking ridiculous.

Yeah, but it's such a long drive, that's like a four-hour trek.

Yeah, long like my dick.

Can't believe all you guys have jobs now.

Yeah, it's...

it's kinda what happens after college, right?

Yeah, but I mean, like,

I don't have a job,

and you guys were all slackers in high school, so...

Danny and I actually are going on a road trip.

Oh, no shit. Where to?

L-fucking-A.

- Dude, that's sick. - Right?

I just got back from a road trip myself.

Oh, yeah? From?

Yeah, I hit up all the national parks.

My dad and me, we started down south

and then went all the way up to Wyoming.

- We hiked, like, every day. - That's sweet.

It really gave me some perspective.

You are making an ass out of yourself.

You need to just go home.

So, just go out there, say you need to go.

And go.

Oh, they went to a party.

I just felt like staying in.

If that's cool with you?

Yeah. For sure.

I think my parents fell asleep.

You wanna smoke in the hot tub?

Yeah.

So, have you ever been to Los Angeles?

Once.

I saw most of Hollywood,

the pier.

It was cool.

I just... I don't really know if I could live there.

You know?

Yeah, there are so many different neighborhoods.

It's hard to, like, get a feel for it or whatever.

But we have to go to Los Feliz.

There are so many good brunch places

and so many good stores.

And then there's the fiesta and...

Ahh! I'm getting so excited.

Sorry.

Yeah. No. Do not be sorry.

We're gonna remember this trip for, like...

the rest of our lives.

You know that, right?

Like that time that we road-tripped across the country.

Right.

And I'm gonna stop smoking when I get there.

I'm just gonna follow the dream.

We don't have to smoke right now if you don't want to.

Oh, God, no. We're in New Jersey.

What else is there to do?

Seriously.

You never really smoked in high school.

Or drank, now that I think of it.

Yeah, it's because I was usually

pretty worried that I would come out or something,

or I would say something, like, super gay.

But it was never really because I was above it

or whatever.

Wait, was it hard, like, being in the closet for so long?

Uh... no. I mean...

not really. I was always pretty secure.

Okay, that's not totally true.

I mean, middle school was hard.

But that's because everyone's the worst in middle school.

I was the worst.

I fucking hated my braces, man.

And I wore so much Hollister.

Uhh! So much Hollister.

And the girls, the girls were such bitches in middle school.

God, can you imagine being that age right now

with Instagram and Snapchat and all that shit.

I mean, they're literally competing for likes.

Yeah, but I bet the guys get so many nudes now.

I would have loved that.

You were such a bur.

Yo, still am.

Yo, hold up. It's hot.

Take it.

Oh, fuck.

Whew!

Yeah.

Uh, where are you working out, by the way?

I'm sorry, I've just been trying to look for a place to go to

while I'm here...

No, man, you're fine. You're fine.

I really do gotta hit up the gym again though soon.

I've been such a lazy fucker lately.

- Yeah? - Yeah.

Really? I mean, it kinda looks like you do, so...

Well, good, that's a relief

'cause all I fucking do is eat.

Like, thank God for my metabolism, right?

Yeah, well, it will never be faster, so...

Here. Sorry.

- Oh, shit. Danny. - Fuck. Sorry.

- Fuck. - Don't worry about it.

It's fine. Don't even worry...

Whoa!

Whoa, dude.

What?

Danny.

No.

- I'm not gay, man. - No, I know.

I... Of course I know.

- Sorry. - Danny.

I thought we were friends, right?

No, we are.

We are friends.

Dude...

Dude, Danny.

I'm sorry.

Maybe I should go.

Yeah.

I'm really sorry. I...

I don't know why I did that.

I mean,

I fucking hate gay guys that do that shit

and now I'm one of them,

and I don't even like you. So...

I mean, I like you, but I don't, like, like you like that.

And...

These pants are so fucking tight.

So...

Fuck!

Umm...

Yeah. Sorry.

- Are you... Are you... Can you drive? - Yeah, I'm fine.

Yeah.

Danny? Oh, sorry. I...

What?

I just got off the phone with Chester.

Guess what?

We said those three little words.

"I love you."

I, of course, wish it wasn't over the phone,

but I called him after Lisa left

and we got to talking, and it just sort of happened.

Can you believe it?

I'm in love.

You don't look very happy.

Uh...

I mean...

you just met this guy.

We've been dating for over a month.

Exactly.

I mean, I'm happy for you,

but...

don't you just think that this is just a little naive.

Excuse me?

I don't know, Mom.

I think that you probably just forgot

what it's like to have butterflies in your stomach,

and you're mistaking that for love.

Don't condescend, Daniel. I hate when you do that.

I'm not condescending. I'm looking out for you.

I don't want you to get hurt.

Okay? Puppy love is one thing, Mom.

"Love" love is something completely different.

I know that.

Maybe you would, too,

if you got off your high horse and gave someone a chance.

Oh, okay.

Sure, let me just pick from the plethora

of gay men that exist in this town.

I didn't go to my prom, Mom.

Oh, don't make this a gay thing.

"A gay thing?"

You always make it a gay thing.

You are so lucky

that it is so black and white for you.

Oh, you think it's easy dating at 50?

Are you kidding me?

It has been so easy for you this entire time.

It's easy for every straight person.

He buys you dinner, and then you put out.

And I know that I'm white and I'm privileged and blessed,

but sometimes I want to put out.

I don't put out.

And sometimes I pay.

And we haven't even had sex yet.

And you're saying I love you?

Mom. Eww!

You're fucking delusional.

Why can't you just admit that you're gonna be alone?

Sorry.

What's the matter with you, Danny?

Are you high... right now?

Drunk?

I had a drink.

Did you drive?

I'm 23.

Come here.

You are high.

You could have killed yourself.

Or worse, someone innocent.

What is wrong with you?

Where's your stash?

Whatever the fuck you call it.

Where's the pot?

- I don't have any pot. - Where is it? Oh!

Yeah.

You know, I may be...

delusional...

but at least I'm fucking trying.

What?

You want a bag or are you just enjoying the smell?

Oh.

- It's an empty bag. - All right.

I think that's yours, too.

Oh, God.

Ugh. I hate that part.

It's sick.

- Really. - You know what I do?

I just fling it into the woods after.

- You what? - Yeah, no, I don't want it

stinking up my garage.

So, I just... I make sure no one's looking,

and I just fucking fling it into the woods.

All right, well, close your eyes.

Oh. No. Okay, they're closed.

Whoa! Happy New Year! Opa!

Well, you know...

Doesn't that feel good?

- Yeah. - Yeah.

Well, you seem like you're doing much better.

Yeah, yeah. No, I am. It's okay.

You know, I, um...

I...

I kicked him out.

You know, for real this time. Yeah.

- Good for you. - Yeah.

He keeps leaving shit on my porch.

- Hmm. - I mean, not like poop shit,

but like, you know...

flowers and...

cards and pastries,

and I just fucking fling them into the woods.

- Yeah. - Except the pastries.

Yeah, gotta keep those. Those are good.

What about you? Weren't you seeing that fella, Khris?

Oh, uh...

turns out he's straight.

Oh, fuck, I hate straight men.

- Hate 'em. - Me too.

- I'm sorry. - It's okay.

We were gonna go on a road trip to LA,

and then I jumped his bones,

and he really wasn't into it, so...

Oh.

So, what have they got there that they don't have here?

I don't know.

The industry.

Other gay people.

We have gay people.

We have lots... Hey, gay people!

Come out!

I have someone I want you to meet.

- They're in all the basements. - Yeah.

And what do you do in the industry?

I write. I wanna... I wanna write movies.

- Oh. - Make movies.

- Yeah. - And you can't do that here?

Well, I gave it a shot, and it didn't really work out, so...

Oh.

Bad writing?

I guess I'm just not really disciplined here.

I'm sorry.

You think you could be disciplined,

like, homeless on Hollywood Boulevard

having to pay for everything yourself?

It's not gonna change.

I mean, get your shit together here.

You got a roof over your head, you got free food...

good food... you got a fucking car.

You gotta just follow your dream, right?

You're only 23 once.

Thank God.

I mean, don't ask me. I'm the wrong one to ask.

If I could have done what I wanted at 23,

really, my passion...

You gotta think about it.

And, you know, I know your mom would be thrilled.

She loves you around.

Yeah.

Hello.

What's all this?

So, I know that this doesn't make up for anything,

but... made your favorite chicken.

Walnut encrusted?

I mean, it's the only thing I know how to make, so...

Yeah.

Mom...

I want you to know that...

I know what a shit I've been...

and that I really appreciate everything that you do for me.

And I'm so sorry.

And I think that I actually want to stay,

if that's okay.

You cleaned?

Mm-hmm.

What you said last night really hurt my feelings.

I know.

And I'm so sorry.

You're gonna have to start paying rent.

A little rent.

Okay. That's...

fair.

And I'm gonna need some more help around the house

to pay for the car.

So, does this mean I can stay?

Oh, honey, of course you can stay.

You could have really hurt yourself.

I don't know what I'd do without you.

It hurts just thinking about it.

You are so smart...

and so creative.

You're gonna do amazing things.

Oh. Good.

One second.

Who is that?

Come on in.

Here. Thank you.

It may be a little dry, to be honest,

um, but there is ketchup and stuff in the fridge.

No, Danny.

This is great.

Just great.

Hear, hear.

Well, thank you.

Uh, Chester,

would you like something more than water?

- Beer? - Little blow.

- Uh, we're all out of blow. - No blow.

Uh, then, just the beer then.

Okay. Danny?

I'm okay, I think.

My liver needs a little break.

Good idea.

- Thank you for the Malbeck. - Oh.

Oh!

Hi. Sorry I'm late.

I, um, had to take, like, my bike.

This is the writer's group, right?

I'm sorry, Connie, you were saying?

The differences between women who lead

and women who don't.

I like your murse.

Oh, thank you.

You know, I really liked your story actually.

I was... I wanted to tell you that. It was super funny.

Um, it's the first time I can probably honestly say

that I chortled.

- You chortled. Uh-oh. - I chortled.

Did you clean it up?

- All over. - Oh, God.

- I'm Danny. - I'm Richard.

I... Do you plan on coming back next week?

Yeah, I think so.

Um, still kinda getting used to the...

- share-as-you-write thing... - Mm-hmm.

...but it's cool.

Yeah. I mean, I like it...

It takes a second to get into it,

but I like it 'cause it really keeps you focused,

you know, that's sort of...

Oh, no.

Ohhh! Oh.

- It was already like that? - Oh, no, no, no, I'm a mess.

- This has... This has, uh... - Yeah.

...been like that for a while.

Just save the cash. Drop it all the time.

- Right, right, right. - Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But it still works?

I mean, I'm not taking as many selfies.

Oh, yeah, well...

But you could still get someone's number

if you... if you met someone, I mean?

- Uh... - For writing purposes?

Yeah. Of course. For writing purposes.

Yeah.

- How about I give you mine? - Sure.

- Okay. - Yeah, okay.

Um...

Oh, okay.

- Never when you need it, right? - Never when you need it. No.

Okay. Oh, and there we go.

Here. Uh, wait, you're gay, right?

- Super gay. Yeah, I am. - Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Mom?

Yeah?

I need a fucking haircut.

Okay, do the fade thing.

You always do that.

I know, but it's my signature look.

I just need a trim.

Okay.

I am here.

Okay, you guys, we can talk about

how cute I look or just not acknowledge the elephant in the room.

- Oh, my God. - Oh!

Someone pressed the hot and handsome buttons.

Thank you.

So what's this kid's name again?

- Richard. - Richard?

One man's Richard is another man's Dick.

- Okay, come on. - What?

You're dating a Dick.

Mature. Really?

Have you heard the snort laugh yet?

- I have. Several times. - Good.

- Stop it. - Charming.

- It's cute. - Don't tease me.

Don't get up.

Okay.

So, what else do you do besides write?

Um, well, I work at a magazine in the city.

- Oh, cool. - Yeah. I run the social for it,

and we just launched.

- Which one? - "Architectural Digest."

I follow them on Instagram.

I run the Instagram.

- Amazing. - Yeah.

- Amazing. - That's funny.

Wow!

Uh, what about you?

Well, I'm currently trying

to figure out how to pay the bills,

or even have them.

But I'm writing a script.

Oh, right. Yeah, that's the thing you told me about.

- Mother-son... - Yes.

So they're both single and they're online dating and...

It's kind of autobiographical.

The main character's kind of a mess.

Yeah, like a cute mess though.

Yeah. Hopefully.

Are you about ready to order?

I'm sorry. I haven't looked at the menu yet.

Yeah, me neither.

- Take your time. - Thank you.

Yeah.

All right, please email me

the draft, you know, when you feel ready.

- I would love that. - Yeah.

I really would.

And I'll send you mine as well obviously.

Yeah. And, uh, thanks for walking me to the garage.

Yeah. I don't know if you would have made it...

- Yeah. Who knows. - ...by yourself. It's, um...

- Um, you're a gentleman. - So are you.

- And I'll drive next time. - Okay. Sounds good.

- Okay. - All right.

- Catch you later. - Bye.

Oh, honey. Sorry.

Your mattress came.

It's okay. Wait, don't get up.

Whoo, this is soft.

Mm.

How was it?

It was good.

I think I like this one.

Yay!

Did he pay?

I did actually.

With what money?

I have a credit card.

- And I walk dogs. - Hmm.

What an exhausting day. I'll be so glad when it's tomorrow.

Me too.

Good night.

Love you.

Love you, too.

Hey,

you were right, by the way.

Nice is good.

Nice is good.

Hmm.

- Are you gonna turn off the... - Yes, I will.

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