Original subtitles

True, I talk of dreams,

which are the children of an idle brain.

Begot of nothing, but vain fantasy.

Which is as thin of substance.

Night's candles are burnt out, and jocund day stands tiptoe

on the misty mountaintops.

I must be gone and live or stay and die!

Yon light is not daylight, I know it, aye.

Therefore stay yet, thou needest not be gone.

Let me be ta'en.

Let me be put to death.

I am content so thou wilt have it so.

Ca--, uh, let me, uh.

I'm sorry, I forgot, can we go back.

Which is as thin of substance as the air

and more inconstant than the wind,

who woos, even now,

the frozen bosom of the north

and being angered,

puffs away from thence, turning his face

to the dew-dropping south.

Let me be ta'en!

Let me be put to death.

I am--I--let me be put, uh...

I'm sorry, I forgot, could we go back, maybe?

Is that okay?

♪

Now is this the part where you're supposed

to unbutton your shirt a little?

Maybe slide your hand on his thigh and tell you how much

you love the theatre?

I would play a spirit carrier if it would get me my acting card.

♪ I forget about Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday,

Thursday, Friday and Saturday ♪

Well at least you look like a spirit carrier.

See this?

Poindexter's and Euronics.

♪ Sweet and gentle

-Do you think I read too soft? -Too soft?

Yeah, this agent said I might read too soft or something.

You probably just need to speak up.

♪ How I love it when the city's deserted and quiet ♪

Hey, I wrote a new song for the show.

Don't you think all this songwriting's

getting in the way of your acting?

Maybe.

I don't know Marc, maybe that's a good thing.

I mean I don't know about this acting stuff.

What are you talking about?

I hate these auditions.

I really, really hate them.

Like this morning, I was so nervous that I had diarrhea,

and diarrhea's not my idea of fun, you know what I mean?

I mean I think maybe I should have something to fall back on.

Schoolteacher is a fall-back career.

Musical theatre composer doesn't exactly fall into that category.

-Then I'm doomed! -Completely.

♪ Cruel Sunday in New York

♪

♪ I forget about Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday,

Thursday, Friday, and Saturday after Sunday in New York ♪

♪ Wouldn't trade it for a millionaire's vacation ♪

♪ Don't need the stimulation

♪ Of running to the station

♪ While eight men in Paris is rare ♪

♪ Still no place on Earth can compare ♪

♪ To Sunday in New York

♪

It's the most beautiful thing, Robert.

Like art nouveaux or something.

-Grilled fish? -Grilled fish?

You know, with the little vegetables.

You're talking cuisine, Marc.

Nouvelle is cuisine, noveau is art.

Art whatever, open to the right, you've got to love that.

Marc, let me get this straight, you would actually consider

taking some $800 a month cat box

because you like the refrigerator?

A refrigerator tells you a lot about an apartment.

Yeah, well did this one tell you it's all the way

on 28th and Lex?

What's wrong with 28th and Lex?

It's just so East, I'll never see you.

-It's right on the Six. -I hate the Six.

Think West Side, Marc.

West Side.

Well this one sounds hot.

Hey. I didn't finish the review of the new Sondheim.

Who cares about Sondheim?

This is bringing out an ugly side of you, Marc.

What am I supposed to do?

Well, you could always move uptown with me and mom.

You could be the homosexual son she never had.

She still hasn't figured it out?

You've gotta kinda love her for that.

You know, I could move back to my folks' and commute.

That'd make you bridge and tunnel all over again.

Good point.

Ruth, look, the Entire State Building.

Ain't that something.

-Surely is. -Come on.

Robert, you're right.

It's Village or nothing, let's go.

Thank you, hey, hey, wait!

Come on, it's time to get creative.

Let's check the obituaries.

The what?

♪

Come on.

Now there's a nice item.

-That's Hair in Face. -That's Hair in Face?

-Well chosen name. -Thanks.

I'd walk his dog any day.

♪

Randal Fitzgerald, Park Avenue.

Carmen Alonzo, devoted wife of Salvatore.

Avenue B, maybe Mulberry Street.

Elaine Greenberg, East 79th.

-Definitely. -Dr. Chester Marcum?

Skip the doctors, too high end.

-Peter Duquett. -Peter Duquett?

-Peter Duquett. -What kind of name is that?

Son of Rachel and Charles.

-Eh, not a Village name. -Not a Village name?

It's not arty enough, not gay enough.

Not gay enough, what on earth is a gay name?

Peter Cruz would be a gay name.

Duquett sounds kind of old money, I'm getting museum mile.

I'm getting dumbbells and Patty Lapone records.

Let's call.

♪

No, no, no, I need the address.

Not the number, the address.

Duquett.

D-U-Q-U-E-T-T.

Two T's, yes.

And, and please don't give me the recording.

I hate the recording.

I want to talk to you, Operator.

Uh-huh.

Uh-huh.

Hi, yes, I'd like to speak to Tina Brown, please.

Um, no, Tina doesn't know me personally,

but I've sent her several letters as well as my resume--

Um, right, but you see it's extremely important

that I speak with her in person,

because my resume does not truly reflect my--

I've already sent her a note.

Yes.

All right, thank you.

I'll do that.

Thanks.

Personal assistant, scum.

All right, when in doubt you think like Madonna.

If you were Madonna, you would probably...

be on the fucking cover.

[phone rings]

Hello?

Hey, Lambchop!

You did?

Oh, fabulous.

Okay, just, uh, give me the address.

What?

So what ever happened to tap dance face?

Marc, I cannot bring myself to date someone

who wears pink leg warmers.

I don't care how nice his teeth are.

-What about that waiter? -Which waiter?

-The Italian. -Tiramisu?

He doesn't even know I'm alive.

There's always the grand gesture.

The grand gesture, what's that?

You know, it's like when you lay your heart on the line,

and you let yourself do something outrageously romantic.

But more than likely, you're gonna feel like a fool

'cause you did, but you're gonna do it anyway

because you never know, you know what I mean?

That's the grand gesture.

So, the next time Hair in Face is out walking his dog

I should maybe go give him a big box of chocolates?

Have you no respect for the hierarchy of beauty?

Anything's possible Marc.

Sure, like in the big scheme of things,

anything is possible, but hello, this is America, Robert.

There are rules we have to live by.

But I love him, Anita!

We are talking time-honored traditions here.

That's like fucking with the Constitution.

What's more American than that?

Look at him, what is he, he's an eight right?

No, he's not an eight, he's a ten.

-He's not a ten. -Of course he's a ten.

Hair in Face easily has 12% body fat

and you're calling him a ten?

-He's a ten. -He shaves his legs.

So what, half of Chelsea shaves their legs, even the women.

I'd give him a nine, tops.

Okay.

At the very least he's a nine.

So we're agreed.

Wait a minute, are you telling me that you

don't think that I can get a nine?

-I'm not saying that. -Uh-huh.

I'm not.

♪

Okay Romeo.

Where do you fall on the hierarchy of beauty?

You can't ask me that, no one actually discusses that.

Let's discuss, where do you fall?

-Where do you fall? -I asked you first.

-All right, maybe I'm a seven. -Seven, what does that make me?

-You don't think I'm a seven? -Okay, Marc, you're a ten.

I'm not a ten, my arms aren't big enough.

Come on here it is.

It's empty all right.

Looks like a dump.

They all look like dumps.

-You can't just go in there! -Why not?

[splashing]

Shit!

Marc.

-Skeeve central. -Oh, God, don't look.

Jeez.

Oh, nice.

Sure beats the dorm.

Yeah, well you know it's already taken.

I'll do the super if I have to.

I'm sure you would.

Marc, it's huge.

What would Ivanna do with this space?

The refrigerator is speaking to me.

Well, what did this one say?

What's that?

Were you expecting anybody?

Shit, oh, come on!

Hey, what's going on?

Yo!

Hi, we were just, uh--

-Uh, apartment hunting. -Yeah, are utilities included?

-You gotta be kidding me. -These are desperate times.

-Right. -Marc.

You know, it was great meeting you.

We normally don't do this sort of thing, it's just that--

Hold on.

Guys, relax.

You know, today just might be your lucky day.

Why is that?

I'm the super.

Okay, you can just pull right along here.

You can stop, stop, stop the cab.

Stop, I'm getting out, stop!

Oh, Miss, wait, you forgot my tip.

Are you out of your mind?

This is the United States of America, sweetheart.

You need to tip!

Let me explain something to you.

If my body slams against the glass partition

more than three times in one trip, no tip, capisce?

Ow.

[speaking foreign language]

[car driving off]

Ew, gross.

Please don't be rodents.

Yuck.

Marc, Robert, where are you?

Hey, up here.

Jesus, Robert, I wore the fucking Je Bart Je.

Sorry, doll.

Go around the front and buzz Peter Duquett.

Who's that?

An old friend.

Six flights?

We move in here I'll be forced to lose weight.

Hey, this is really cute.

-Is it two bedrooms? -Uh-huh.

Fabulous, and I do not use the "F" word lightly.

Oh wonderful.

Oh.

Love the windows.

What happened to your forehead?

I had a little run in with the Ayatollah.

My room.

Tres charmant.

How cute.

Hey, where's Marc?

Securing the lease in a manner of speaking.

Yeah, I thought these things only happened in porno movies.

-Was he cute? -What do you think?

Hi!

The view from the roof is amazing.

-So, what do you think? -I love it, can we have it?

Sign right here, 975 a month.

What did you have to do?

Eh, guy stuff.

Oh, you mean like, touch football?

Something like that, so you approve?

Oh, what's not to approve, but we did agree on 800.

Eight hundred buys a studio, I'd be sleeping on your face.

But my parents are gonna cut me off any day now Robert.

I know that, Lambchop, you gotta get a job remember?

Not if you keep plying your trade.

Hey look!

It's Peter Duquett.

He was an actor?

Well sort of.

Not much of a resume.

Well, better than ours.

Looks like summer stock mostly.

No Broadway, no film.

I wonder how old he was.

I don't know, 35,40, I can never tell once they get over 30.

Yeah, me neither.

♪

Wait till you see this.

-Voila! -Where did you get this?

Mum's decided to re-decorate

the little guest house on Further Lanes.

-Then God bless Moms. -And God bless Bloomingdales.

It's like no other store in the world.

Chester, the Limoges!

Chester.

♪

♪ Boys you like, I've never been with two babies ♪

♪ But now everywhere, I found out people could name us ♪

♪ 'Cause you've given me my full ability ♪

Chester.

♪

You got that all right?

Yup, I'm fine.

Where do you want this?

Just right here.

I'll be back.

♪

Is he gonna be around a lot?

Wally?

You're kidding me, right?

I'm just asking.

♪ My claim to fame is your love for me ♪

♪ My claim to fame is your love for me ♪

♪

♪ My claim to fame is your love for me ♪

♪ I need your love, gotta have it, baby ♪

♪ My claim to fame is your love for me ♪

♪

Ooo.

This is nice.

The love nest.

Precisely.

Gosh, can I borrow it sometime?

Sorry.

Sorry?

And by this you mean?

-No. -No!

-Uh-huh. -Marc, come on.

♪

♪ Now I am strong enough

♪ Now I am strong enough

♪ To accept change

♪ Yes, my darling, if you want to live in another place

I can understand it ♪

♪ It's gonna hurt for a little while,

but I can understand it ♪

♪ But before you walk out that door ♪

I wish I could have been at Studio 54.

♪

-I want to try cocaine. -No you don't.

Well, it must have been so exciting, you know?

Andy, Bianca, Halston, Liza.

I didn't know you were such a disco connoisseur.

I hate the new dance music.

Listen to that, disco was fun!

It had violins and I can spin and spin to disco.

Well, how cute.

That's Jeremy.

High school sweetheart?

I wish.

I had one like that.

Derrick.

Major dreamboat.

I could have been his jockstrap,

still wouldn't have known I was alive.

Jay knew I was alive.

He'd come up to me, put his arms around me, and say shit like,

"Isn't it too bad we're not bisexuals

'cause then we could try it?"

Why didn't you just jump his bones?

I was too scared.

Didn't you ever talk to him about it?

There's some things you just don't talk about, you know?

Well, fortunately, Lambchop, you've been making up

for lost time.

Exactly, gotta line up those frogs and start kissing.

Sure you don't want to come out?

No, I've gotta figure out what I'm gonna do with my life.

-Tonight? -Yeah, I wanna get a jump on it.

♪

♪

♪ Yeah, there are days in your life

when the routine of it ♪

♪ Is nothing less than savage

♪ How can a man survive when every day's spent keeping

every little dream alive ♪

♪ But I've got your love to depend upon ♪

♪ So put your faith in me

♪ So half the battle's won

♪ Just give up the doubt and the dark will run ♪

♪ I'll hold you till the true time comes ♪

♪ Don't lose your way

♪ We'll find our way

♪ 'Cause there's a promise of another day ♪

♪ Don't feel no shame

♪ Just break those chains

♪ 'Cause there's the promise of another day ♪

♪ If the storm comes, if he runs away

with the dreams we've had in our hearts and our heads ♪

♪ Love will carry us on

♪ To a vision of hope that will lift up

and lead us through the days ahead ♪

♪ Don't lose your way

♪ We'll find our way

♪ 'Cause there's a promise of another day ♪

♪ Don't feel no shame

♪ Just break those chains

♪ 'Cause there's the promise of another day ♪

My dear Cynthia.

[groan]

Chinese.

Fabulous, do you have enough for two?

Cynthia, do you think there's like, this magic dish fairy,

that comes in and does the dishes

every four weeks or something?

Look at this.

Keel's extra luxurious, if you ever wear deodorant again,

you're a fool, underarm cream for men.

Do not change the subject.

I bought you Keel's.

I can't live like this Cynthia.

-So do the dishes. -They're yours.

If you never do your dishes,

there's no room for me to do mine.

Marc, why are you being so petty?

This is a real problem.

Lambchop, people are starving in Ethiopia

and my father has a picture

of George Bush on his desk.

These are real problems.

Twenty-six dollars, where do you get money for shit like this?

I don't know Marc, the, uh, cash fairy comes

and leaves it under my pillow.

You know they do have support groups for compulsive shoppers.

The dishes'll get done, okay, Marc?

Tomorrow, just leave me alone.

♪

Okay.

This is my beeper.

This is my phone number.

This is my cell phone number.

What do you do that you have so many phones?

'Cause I'm a waiter.

So, you gonna call me on Monday?

Yeah, I'll give you a call.

All right.

♪

What is it, like some spray you put on in the morning?

How very kind of you to notice.

Come on, we've gotta rehearse or we're gonna be in big trouble.

You need to get laid, big time.

Yeah, well you're not gonna see me

dragging in just anybody off the street.

Don't stop now Bobby, keep going.

Okay, if you're such a good judge of character,

how come you never see any of them more than twice?

It's show biz Robert, my deal is you get one audition,

one call back, if you blow that--

Aye, yi, yi.

You're such a danger boy.

Come on, we got work to do.

Okay, Marc--that was great.

-Can I give you some advice? -Sure.

You know, I really think you should be working

on a contemporary piece.

You know, a McNally, a Sam Shepard thing.

Maybe something from "Angels".

Was it that bad?

It was that bad.

Look, Marc, I think you're great looking.

You're probably very castable.

Why don't you work up something new

and call me when it's ready?

Okay.

This has been such a popular item--

No, petite will be fine.

I can return that, right?

Fabulous.

And you're gonna overnight that?

Great.

Thank you very much, bye-bye.

Well, why not get one for her, too?

Oh, what a good idea, Bob, what would I--

Shit.

And that nice girl who placed my orders.

Oh she's so sweet.

♪

Hi.

Hi--Marc.

I was watching my story,

when suddenly I realized they always have the woman sitting

on a white couch or white carpet or something

wearing white stirrup pants, I love that.

♪

What are you talking about?

♪

I really hated maxi pads,

but I wanted that extra protection for my heavy days.

♪

Oh, my god!

Don't you just love it when they make that water blue?

Can you imagine if they made it the right color?

Whoa.

Having another spot, eh?

Oh fuck, Marc, you know, I just couldn't face it.

Tina's not returning my calls.

Maybe you ought to aim a little lower to start?

Why, what's the point?

The point is, when Dad's checks stop coming,

something's gotta keep you in moisturizer.

Still on Mommy's Bloomingdale's account.

Yeah, you plan to eat there, too?

All right, tomorrow, I promise.

I'll, um, look at a paper.

Lambchop, I really need to pee.

This has something to do with me?

Well, there's this really mongo water bug in the bathroom

and I cannot deal with it at all,

so I figured this is the way it's gonna work, okay?

You'll deal with the insects, I'll deal with the rodents.

That's fair.

We don't have rodents.

-Please, Marc? -No.

Marc, did you get it, my teeth are really floating out here!

It's climbing up the mirror!

Well, get it and don't let it land on my toothbrush!

Did you get it?

Marc?

It's coming at me!

Well get it, get it!

Oh shit.

Marc, hurry up!

Cynthia.

All right, my little pretty.

Kill it!

[small splash]

[toilet flushing]

Whoo!

Just pray it can't swim.

[scream]

♪

Oh shit!

[squeaking]

This place is a fucking zoo.

♪

♪

♪ I will crawl through shattered glass ♪

♪ On my hands and knees

♪ Just to feel your touch, it's like a summer breeze to me ♪

♪ It lifts my soul to a place where I am free ♪

♪ I will walk through

[rewinding player]

♪ Just to feel your touch, it's like a summer breeze to me ♪

♪ It lifts my soul

[pushing button]

I'm sorry.

That's okay.

I heard you the other night.

You just move in there?

Yeah.

Well if I'm bothering you I can shut the window.

You're not bothering me at all.

You're good.

Thanks.

You with a record company by any chance?

Sorry.

Yeah, me too.

What's your name?

Marc.

I'm David.

Hi.

Hi.

You want a cup of coffee?

Sure.

Meet me on the stoop.

Great.

Hey,

How do you take it?

Uh, black, a little sugar.

♪

♪

-Hey. -Hey.

[spill on floor]

-Thank you. -I'm sorry.

That's okay.

Your boots.

Yeah, you wanna lose the cows?

I'll buy you a coffee at the Koreans'.

Uh, yeah.

Six flights.

♪

That's a nice idea, but I don't know

how much pie there is to go around.

Like 30,000 guys in the city want to be the next Elton John.

There's plenty of pie.

I have to believe that, I'd be in deep shit if I didn't.

Don't tell me, let me guess, you're an actor.

What gave it away, my teeth?

Nope, Broadway damage.

I can spot it a mile away.

Broadway damage?

I'll try not to be insulted.

Nah, it's not you though.

I take it you're not into the theatre.

I don't hate the theatre or anything.

It just seems so stupid.

All that cheesy sentiment, you know, musicals.

I guess you only take your cheese melted

over an electric guitar?

Winning approaches, Marc.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

This doesn't concern you?

Eh.

♪

♪ It's a strange thing that we all do ♪

♪ When someone's getting close to you ♪

♪ You can hardly hear it

♪ The quiet dreams we don't dare ♪

Look, that's where I grew up.

Really?

Yeah.

My dad was a super.

Cool tattoo.

Thanks.

Come along.

♪

♪

So is this where you lost your virginity?

Right over there.

Come on.

♪

[monkey noise]

Why does this suddenly feel like gym class?

Come on.

♪

Look.

Nice.

I used to come up here and read my "National Geographic".

You are so full of shit.

No, really.

I loved anything with pictures of anywhere but New York.

So how come you're still here?

How come I'm still here, I don't know.

♪ We'll have Manhattan, The Bronx

and Staten Island, too ♪

How do you know Rodgers and Hart?

My mom loved show music.

That's how I learned to play piano.

It's classic, I know.

Yeah, textbook.

♪

♪

How long have you been in that apartment?

About six months.

What is it, a one bedroom?

I wish.

It's just a little studio.

Hey Marc?

Huh?

It's not my apartment really.

It's my boyfriend's.

-Oh. -We're sort of breaking up.

Is that like sort of in trouble with the IRS?

Yeah, something like that.

It's a drag.

I'm trying to move.

I just don't have the money right now.

Been working in this record store on 87th.

Pays shit.

Maybe you'll sell one of your songs.

I hope.

Is this okay with you?

Yeah.

I mean we're not getting married or anything.

[sirens in the distance]

You want a cup of tea or something?

No, that's okay.

So where is your boyfriend tonight?

There's no boyfriend.

Someone like you should have a boyfriend.

Why are you telling me this?

I just wish I wasn't going through this thing with Chuck.

It's just a bad time to meet someone.

Yeah.

But, you know,

we could fall in love for tonight.

Just for tonight, let's be lovers.

Okay.

Just for tonight.

[dogs barking]

Calgon fromage.

He's gorgeous.

[shushing]

You are beautiful darlin'.

Ten certifiable.

What is he, married, drug addict, just out of jail?

Pick one.

Oh, fabulous.

When you get tired of him,

just pass him down the hall.

♪

You know I could call your boss and tell him

you've got this big zit on your butt,

you just can't bring yourself to face the world today.

Marc, compact discs must be sold, rent must be paid,

and it's really important for me to stay out of the prison system

right now.

You're joking, right?

I'm joking.

Shit, I gotta go.

Okay.

♪

Thanks for last night.

Thank you.

Roughly played, aren't we?

♪

Call me, will you?

Okay.

I gotta go.

♪

-Bye. -Bye.

♪

Just promise me you won't start singing.

There's only so much I can handle

before a good bowel movement.

♪ She bursts with a kind of madness ♪

[kids yelling]

-Hey, sleepy. -Where you been?

Uh, God, I was out, I got some great ideas for some new songs.

♪

♪

-Hi. -Hi.

Do you have any cards that don't have erections?

It's my mom's birthday.

There might be one or two.

Let me see.

I supposed flaccid is out, too?

Actually I was thinking something

completely without penises.

Gotcha.

Hey, how about some nice Monet prints?

Can't go wrong with Monet.

And we've got matching Monet mugs and calendars

and if you're as really into Monet as I am--

I worship Monet.

They've got this great "Water Lilies" trash can

over at Bed, Bath & Beyond.

I love Bed, Bath & Beyond, don't you?

I mean the "Beyond" part's a little foreboding though,

don't you think, I mean what exactly do they mean by that?

Jacuzzi, mud bath, the great--

The great beyond.

Exactly!

♪

So can I show you anything else?

Uh, no.

No, you're, uh, this is perfect.

♪

Hi, this is Ingrid, calling from Madonna's office.

Is Tina available?

Ingrid.

Yes, well I just started last week.

Madonna is so sweet, isn't she?

♪

Why didn't I call on the other line?

I'm sorry what line is that?

Hello?

Hello?

♪

[sink gurgling]

♪

♪ I can't wait

♪ Set free

♪ Said I can't wait

♪ Set free

[dishes breaking]

You all right in there?

Yep, I'm fine, just fine.

Are you sure?

♪

Are you inferring that I don't know how to do dishes?

Is that what you're saying?

I'm not saying that.

I hear your tone.

My tone?

I know how to do dishes, Marc.

Okay?

Okay.

♪

[dialing number]

[phone ringing]

-Hi, this is Marc. -And Cynthia.

You have zero messages.

I can get you two on the aisle in the eighth row

of the orchestra for a total of $150.

Yes Ma'am, that is a lot of money.

[phone ringing]

No Ma'am you cannot get hit by the flying chandelier.

It doesn't work that way.

You did not read that in "The Post".

No, Ma'am, no, I am not saying "The Post" lied.

I love "The Post".

Which, by the way, can be a very touchy issue in my circle.

Oh yes, the best horoscopes.

Pisces, what are you?

Yeah, I knew there was a reason that we got along.

I'm Jerry.

Well, it's very nice to meet you, too, Louise.

♪

[typing]

[typewriter clicking]

Stop.

[malfunction from the typewriter]

Look, darling,

Trouble is I got 300 girls

that actually know what a semi-colon is.

This is no small thing,

and every girl that's ever dialed 411 thinks

she's a receptionist, and I got a glut of receptionists.

You ever think about retail?

You're a nice dresser.

You lose a little weight, I could see you

behind a perfume counter at Barneys.

Okay you are confirmed for Saturday the 21st.

Is there anything else I can help you with?

♪

Excuse me?

Yeah.

Uh-huh.

No, I'm here all by myself.

You have a hot voice, too.

What line are you on?

Louise, can you hold on a moment?

Thanks, doll.

What are you into?

That sounds real good.

Tell you about me?

I'm five foot, one inch,

weigh about 290 pounds.

Kinda balding, but I have lots and lots

of really sexy hair all over my back.

Hello?

Chip?

-Hi, this is Marc. -And Cynthia.

We can't come to--

You have zero messages.

Hi, Cynthia Fredricks for Tina Brown.

Hi, this is Cynthia Fredericks for Tina Brown.

Yeah, I've already left quite a few messages already.

I'll hold.

Yes, I can hold.

I don't care if she's in a meeting, I'll hold.

Well, why the hell can't she call me back then!

-Hello, Lambchop! -Jesus, Marc.

Don't do that.

How's Tina?

Tina who?

Sounds like you need that little lift

only luncheon can give.

I'm broke.

You can still charge at Bloomie's right?

Perfect, there's still a few things I want to pick up

for the apartment.

[honking]

How dare she cut me off with no notice?

Right at the lunch counter.

It's humiliating.

Fucking insensitive.

♪

Zola. Emile Zola, I actually saw the book in his hands.

What's your point?

The point is he reads.

And I could detect excellent muscular definition.

-And in the hierarchy of beauty? -Ten, a clear-cut ten.

Robert, he works in a card store, how can he be a ten?

How can a boy from Queens be such a snob?

I want him to marry well Cynthia.

Can't we just have regular omelets?

Robert, yolks are over.

Forever.

He's working on his FQ.

I'm afraid to ask.

Fabulousity quotient.

Did it ever occur to either of you that maybe fabulousness

comes from within?

-Oh, that's crazy talk. -Madness.

This fat thing is out of control.

Can we just please get off this fat subject?

I mean look at this, fat content zero grams.

They actually have to tell me that this water

has zero grams of fat.

Shit.

Sometimes I'm asleep.

The boat will creak.

The wind'll blow the lines up against the mast.

And I'm right back.

My father showing me how to set the jib.

I'm scared, because I don't wanna mess it up.

I don't want him to see that I don't know

what the hell I'm doing.

I don't want to be something he don't want me to be.

-Much, much better Marc. -Great.

You're studying with Norma right?

No, do you think I ought to take a speech class?

Couldn't hurt.

Do you think I read too soft?

Too soft?

Yeah, I went to see this agent and he said

I might read too soft or something.

Too s--too light, he said you read too light?

Yeah, light, that's it.

I'd never want to say that.

Because I've been trying to speak louder.

You know, project my voice more.

I thought I was doing better at that.

Marc, that's not what reading light means.

I read like a fag, that's what it means!

Reading light, oh shit.

Do I read like a fag, this is horrible.

I don't know.

Well, maybe sometimes you have a thing about you.

A thing about me, you mean my voice?

-Not your voice. -Then what?

-I don't know, you. -Oh, swell.

It's not a big deal.

Well, they seem to think it is.

Marc, you're an actor, right?

Act!

Butch it up.

Spend a couple of Sundays watching ESPN.

We'll go see the Yankees.

It's a really cute season.

Look, keep sports out of this.

Come on, let's go get a coffee.

Wait, there's my friend David.

Who's David?

Wait here.

Hey, David.

Hi.

Hi.

Uh, sorry I haven't called.

I--things got really weird.

I had to get out of there for a few nights.

Strange not hearing your piano or anything.

I mean I wanted to see you again.

Me too.

You want to have dinner one night?

-I'm kinda broke right now. -I'll cook, you can come over.

You cook, okay, great.

How about Tuesday?

I get off around 8:00.

Perfect.

Hey, Marc.

I'm sorry if I was a jerk.

Look, I'm uh, being rude to my friend right now.

I'll see you Tuesday.

Okay.

How could you not tell me about this?

I didn't think he was gonna fall for him.

He's fallen for him?

It looks that way.

The guy's like, totally unavailable.

So, of course.

This sucks.

Robert, if you never make your intentions known

what is he supposed to do?

-Make my intentions known? -Yeah.

What, like send a footman with a note?

He knows Cynthia, he knows how I feel.

What if he doesn't?

Forget it.

I could never get a Marc.

Never get a Marc?

What, like he's out of your league or something?

Please, you guys are so hung up on that stuff.

It's the way of the world, Lambchop.

Robert, why don't you just take the plunge?

You know, do something recklessly romantic.

What's the worst that could happen?

I'd get egg on my face.

Egg whites.

Oh, yeah, yeah!

Oh, oh God, oh.

♪

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

♪

Oh, God.

Carl, don't stop!

Oh, God!

♪

Easy, easy, easy!

♪

Hey, hey, keep it down up there.

[moaning]

♪

A T-shirt is the absence of detail.

See, it's not about artifice, but it's all about artifice.

It's not about statement.

Yet, it's pure statement.

It's timeless fashion.

Timeless.

Why?

Because it just is, you don't question these things.

Do you think Ralph would ever let a season go without doing

that great white shirt?

Do you think Donna would ever let a fall come and go without

doing that little black dress?

I don't think so.

Why do you think everybody's showing that boxy,

little toe this season?

-I don't have a clue. -Neither do I.

Because it's timeless, n'est-ce pas?

Cynthia, I have learned so much tonight.

Yeah, me too.

Pickle?

Thanks, Carl, I would love one.

-Pickle? -Thanks.

Thanks.

[chewing]

He's very unusual.

Are you sure he's not an ax-murderer?

He does kinda have that Charles Manson thing about him.

It's charming really, where'd you get him?

He glommed onto me at the Roxy.

I couldn't shake him, so I figured what the hey.

He must be awfully swell in bed.

Poor baby.

Are you kidding, he makes up for it with--

[sirens]

That girl has got some serious fashion damage.

Cynthia invented fashion damage.

You're not gonna put on show tunes are you?

Yeah.

Marc, it's late.

Why does everybody have this thing about musicals?

Why not?

Life should be more like a Broadway musical.

Maybe your life.

I live in the real world, Marc.

You mean a TV show?

Greenwich Village isn't the real world either.

That's why I'm here.

You'll see.

You are so wise.

Marc, I'm serious.

It's a real boy's club out there.

You know, how like, when you were in college you'd never

dream of joining a fraternity, right?

Yeah, I hate beer.

Yeah, well, it's like one big frat house out there.

And all the guys that you never wanted to know in college,

they run everything.

And we gay boys gotta do business with them.

Do business or we're screwed.

So sooner or later, you're gonna have to learn to play ball.

-You know what I mean? -Keep sports out of this.

Marc, it's all about sports.

Like you never met a gay frat boy?

Sure.

They're worse than the straight ones.

And they wouldn't let you in the cute frat house.

Is that why you're so bitter?

Very funny.

No, I tell it like it is Marc.

I sure hope it's not like that.

♪

♪

I'm coming, I'm coming, coming.

Hello.

Hey, it's me.

Hey, come on up.

[neighbors yelling]

-Hey. -Hi.

Thought maybe you'd wanna get some breakfast.

-Sure. -Hi.

Hi.

Robert, this is David.

-Hi. -Nice to meet you.

What's this?

Oh, uh, nothing.

Something for my voice teacher.

You guys want to get some breakfast?

I gotta go to work.

Oh, well, we'll have to do it another time.

Yeah, that'd be great.

Do you think Tina Brown made it overnight?

"Vanity Fair", "The New Yorker",

only the greatest magazine editor to ever live.

I know it's expensive, Dad.

I just need a little more time, that's--

What is it exactly that you want me to do on Long Island?

Yeah, Dad, I lost a ton of weight.

I look like fucking Kate Moss.

I'm not getting fresh.

"Who's Kate Moss?"

Dad, I'll just try harder, okay, I promise.

Yep.

I understand.

Bye.

Asshole.

How's your father?

Republican in every fucking way.

I think there's an opening on the switchboard.

I could check.

No thanks. Sales is not my thing.

Sales isn't my thing either.

There's no sales on my resume.

There's no nothing on your resume.

This is New York, Lambchop, everything's an illusion,

never forget that.

What's wrong with some entry level thing?

I'm not doing one of those shitty jobs.

I'm, I'm too smart for entry level.

But you've never had a job, that's why

it's called entry level.

I really don't want to talk about it.

You're making me nervous.

Don't worry, Marc, the rent will get paid, okay?

I'm not saying that it won't, Cynthia.

You know what I think I need?

That little lift only lipstick can give.

You're changing the subject.

Yes I am.

♪

They were having a really big one earlier.

♪

A fight?

♪

I think I heard glass breaking.

That's a good sign.

♪

Don't do it, Marc.

Why not?

You know exactly why not.

It's fine.

♪

Whatever.

♪

♪

Hey, Felicia, get me another beer, will ya?

♪

♪ The stars were a frame

♪ But I never looked right

Oh hey, how are ya?

Fine.

My mother loved the card.

♪

Well, that's great... is this it?

Yeah.

♪

Wonderful book, huh?

You've read it?

It's gotta be the most exciting train wreck

in all of literature.

You like Zola?

I love Zola.

It's so deeply evil, don't you think?

Sexual really.

Really sexual.

They could never make it into a movie.

They did.

You're kidding, it's a film?

1938, French, fabulous.

Cool.

I think you can rent it.

I will, hey thanks for telling me about it.

Here's your change.

Thanks.

Thanks for the tip.

♪

Well, see ya later.

See ya.

Bye.

♪

Keep breathing, Robert.

He must think I'm a freak.

♪

You're really gonna eat that aren't ya?

No, I just paid $2.00 for that to throw it out.

Look at this, 4.5 grams of fat.

Stop it, just stop it right now.

See?

I'm eating this and loving it.

Loving it, fat is my friend, mmm.

Robert, do you ever watch CSPAN?

Our people must stay strong and healthy.

How else we gonna procreate the race?

I'm gonna do it Marc.

The grand gesture, go all the way.

With Zola?

Yep.

You sure?

What about Hair in Face?

Hair in Face only has eyes for his dog.

Nope, Zola's the guy for me.

Shit.

Is that the husband?

I think so.

Not a ten.

Be nice.

You're a wreck.

He is a must have item, Robert.

Items like that cost big money.

So I'll charge it.

Hi.

Hey, hi.

Hey, how's it going?

Great, uh, this is Chuck.

Hi.

Hello.

Uh, this is Robert.

Hi.

Hi, Robert.

Well, we're running late.

Sure.

See ya.

Yeah.

Chuck, huh?

I don't want to talk about it.

Marc, this looks like a bad move.

What am I supposed to do?

You just don't go and pick who you fall in love with.

It doesn't work that way.

So, Jerry it's fucked.

It's like he can call me but I can't call him

and I can't exactly, uh, walk around the corner

and buzz him, now can I?

That would not be a good idea.

On top of which, I don't have a clue of how to read this guy.

Listen, how much can you really know about a guy

in the first few weeks?

Think about it, you're not even past

the information gathering stage yet.

What is that?

My theory is, that the first six weeks

is the information gathering stage.

Now if you just shut up and listen,

which, of course, nobody ever does.

A man will tell you absolutely everything

you need to know about him.

The good, the bad, and the ugly.

But 12 weeks?

Honey, that's when you find out the real scary shit.

Like they're a drug addict, or they're into heavy metal,

or they're straight, that sort of thing.

♪

♪

Oh no, not today.

♪

Hi there.

♪

I have an appointment.

I don't care if you have an appointment--

I spoke to Ms. Brown this morning.

I do not care.

Step aside, rent-a-cop.

I don't think so.

Get your hands off me!

Bye.

♪

Denied?

And by this you mean?

Vreeland, could have anyone she wanted.

♪

Wintour, could have anyone she wanted.

♪

But only Tina Brown can have Cynthia Fredri--

Oh shit.

What are you doing?

Get!

This has got to work.

It's my Tina Brown saturation campaign.

I send one note a week for a month.

She becomes intrigued, her curiosity is piqued.

Finally she figures out that they're all from me

and calls!

Yeah, the FBI.

Come on, Marc.

What if she thinks you're some kind

of nut case or something?

Well, I've got to get inventive, you know, what am I gonna do?

Send a fruit basket, another resume?

[doorbell buzzes]

I'll get it.

Who is it?

It's David, can I come up?

Sure.

Chuck kicked me out.

When?

This morning.

Weren't you leaving anyway?

Yeah, but I had to get my money thing together first.

I'm trying to get more hours at the store.

I don't know what I'm gonna do.

Is there anybody you can stay with?

Not really, no one's got the room.

What about your Mom's?

Not a good idea.

David, I'm sorry you're going through this.

Yeah, big fucking pain in the ass, huh?

David, I gotta ask you this.

Do you want to see me or not?

It's like you're hot and cold or something.

It's just the situation.

Looks like you're out of the situation.

Yeah, I know.

You know, it's a nice idea and all, but...

I'm not the kind of person who can fall in love

for just one night, you know what I mean?

Do you have to do that in here?

Yes, this is making me tense.

Relax, it's a good thing.

He'll help pay for the rent.

Sure, and I get to watch you two live happily ever after.

Cynthia, what's going on?

Nothing is going on.

I don't think so.

I don't want to talk about it.

Yeah, let him move in, it's good timing.

This what you're looking for?

Yeah, do you have the green one?

I think it would be easier to have a real piano.

Not really, you can't schlep a real piano

from apartment to apartment.

Red.

Red.

I said no, Carl, N-O.

But, Cynthia.

Carl, what century is this?

Are you crazy?

But, I, I've never felt like this about anyone.

And this is a good reason?

Carl, look, you know, I don't have a job,

I don't have a life.

What the fuck do I need a husband for?

Well, we'll make a life together!

Oh my god, he actually said that.

Carl, this discussion is over, okay?

You have to go now because I have to find

a fucking job today and I cannot be dealing

with your hysterics.

Please, please Cynthia,

please change your mind.

Okay, Carl.

I'll think about it some more, okay?

Now you really have to go now.

Okay?

All right, love.

Until tomorrow?

Yeah.

Okay, okay.

I'll see you later.

Okay, bye-bye.

Bye.

Okay, all right, okay, bye.

He calls you "love," that's so sweet.

And a proposal after only two weeks?

This is not funny Marc, okay?

He wants to have my baby!

For real!

He's my mother's fantasy come true.

God, it's just what she would like to see.

Me all married and knocked up and living next door.

I bet she set this whole thing up.

She paid off Carl to propose

and bring me back to Long Island.

Your paranoia is unparalleled.

Uh, you don't know my parents.

Sometimes I think you'd like that.

Like what?

You know, not do the career thing.

get married, be a housewife and all that.

Really, Marc, can you see that?

Why not?

You're ridiculous.

Oh, what an adorable little bassinet.

[arguing couple outside]

You sure check your voice mail a lot.

Well, I never know when I might book a gig.

Actually, I just did.

Really?

Great, what is it?

Uh, doing some fill on a dance record.

Not a big deal, pays 100 bucks though.

Fabulous.

Man, you sure have a lot of keys.

Yeah.

What are they for?

I don't know, just keys.

Old apartment keys, old boyfriend keys.

You mean like a scrapbook?

Yeah, something like that.

Well, they're very, very, very impressive.

Yeah, well, we all have a past, huh?

At 22, I don't really think that I qualify.

Well, you're off to a good start.

Look, um, I've gotta go.

Do me a favor, tell Marc I'm working late, will ya?

Thanks.

Sure.

You owe me big time for this, Robert.

Come on Cynthia, you promised.

You should ask Marc to do this.

Yeah, right, you'd just upstage me.

Thanks.

I didn't mean in... here, just take this,

I'll wait right here.

I feel like the fucking Easter Bunny.

♪

Hi.

Hi.

I know this may seem very unusual,

but I have a package for you.

A package?

It's from a secret admirer.

Do I know you?

Open it.

"Germinal"?

That's next on my list.

Great!

I don't get it, so who's the secret admirer?

Oh, he's waiting across the street.

Really?

This is very "Love Connection".

More like "Wheel of Fortune", you can call me Vanna.

So where is he?

See that guy standing over by the diner?

Oh, him.

He's been in here every day for like, the last two weeks.

Yeah, he likes you.

Oh god, I feel terrible.

He's just not my type.

You sure?

Really sure.

Shit.

Why did I do that?

Robert, I really think it's part of that

"kissing a lot of frogs" thing.

Why doesn't Marc just get it?

Robert, Marc loves you.

Yeah, like a friend.

That's such crap.

Who wants to be loved like a friend?

I wanna be loved like danger boy.

That's it, I'll rethink my image.

I'll pierce my nose, take up smoking,

and become completely, totally, utterly unavailable.

That's what they all want isn't it?

Robert, I really hate to tell you this,

but you just could not be a danger boy.

You know, it's just not who you are.

Go ahead, kick me when I'm down.

Or shit on my head why don't you?

Now, that's pretty.

Jerry, I don't think this is a great idea.

Come on, let's get a look at Miss Thing.

"Miss Thing?"

That's my boyfriend you're talking about.

Come on, let's go get a cappuccino please?

And, and he probably doesn't like visitors at work.

Uh-huh, uh, Honey.

I've had to listen to you flap your lips

about this man without seeing as much

as a head shot.

Now, I'm gonna get myself a proper look.

♪

Come on.

Okay, okay.

♪

♪ Give me bad girls, give me rough boys ♪

David here?

Hello, is David here?

What?

Is David here?

David?

He works here!

He has dark hair, kinda handsome!

Oh, "Daveed".

"Daveed?"

Look, he quit here about a month ago.

Didn't even show up for work.

The boss was fucking pissed.

Are you sure, maybe he's on

a different shift or something?

What does this look like to you?

Tower Records?

He's history.

♪

♪

[Cynthia crying]

Cynthia?

What's the matter?

Nothing.

I don't think so.

Didn't you see this?

Yep, I saw it.

What's going on?

Nothing, nothing's going on.

I'm not fucking prepared for this Marc.

And what am I supposed to do...you know?

How am I supposed to get a job?

How am I supposed to live?

I might as well flush that fucking diploma.

Cynthia...

I think you're having growing pains.

How'd you get so wise?

Cynthia, I'm no expert either.

You just gotta start somewhere right?

What else are you gonna do?

I don't know.

Cynthia, did you pay the rent last month?

Daddy cut me off.

What about the money I gave you?

You spent the rent money!

Are you fucking crazy?

Fuck you, Marc, you know, you have no idea

how hard this is for me!

Yeah, right, I don't have a clue

how hard it is.

You've gotta grow up Cynthia!

Don't yell at me, Marc, you're not my father!

Well, you're putting me in that position aren't you?

Get out of my room!

You're gonna have to start dealing with reality

sooner or later, Lambchop, and I'd really prefer sooner,

'cause I cannot deal with getting evicted, capice?

Yeah...I capice.

♪

♪

[cans rattling]

Marc, you up?

Yeah.

Did you hear that?

Yeah, what is it?

I don't know.

Sounds like someone's in the kitchen.

No one's in the kitchen.

Well, where's David?

I don't know where he is.

[cans rattling]

Jesus, Marc, this is freaky, go see what it is.

You go see what it is.

I can't, I'm emotionally en déshabillé.

What's that?

French!

[clinking noise]

Please, Marc?

All right.

[clinking noise]

What is it?

I don't know.

Looks like it's coming from the garbage.

Maybe a mouse or something got stuck in the bag.

"A mouse or something?"

God, Marc, get it out of here!

I don't do rodents, Cynthia, I do insects.

You do rodents, remember?

I just said that, I didn't really mean it.

Well, how are we gonna get rid of it?

Okay, I'm gonna go open the window.

Grab the bag and just throw it out, okay?

Go!

Okay, watch out, I'm coming!

Get it away from me!

Aaghh!

[glass breaking]

Shit, get down!

What's the matter?

It crashed through Chuck's window.

Really?

Oh, God, I gotta see.

Oh, get back.

What's going on here?

What the, what the fuck is--

Oh shit, what if something has our names on it?

[pounding on door]

I know you're in there.

We can explain...explain.

Uh, it was an accident.

Did you know there was a fucking rat in there?

I'm glad we got it out of the apartment.

Rats are worse than mice.

You gonna open the door?

Look, I got a baseball bat in here.

Oh, Marc, stop.

I am not leaving until you open the fucking door.

Cynthia, I gotta get this over with.

Marc, don't.

Oh, it's you.

Chuck, sorry about this, all right?

Where the fuck you going?

Look, it was an accident, all right?

Wow, I see he's moved his whole studio in already.

Yeah, thanks for returning the trash.

He show you his key collection yet?

"Key collection?"

Yeah, and I'll bet he used that line.

Let's fall in love for one night.

Didn't he?

Hey, don't feel bad.

Everybody goes for it.

You know what, if you wanted I could introduce you

to a lot of other guys that fell for it.

We could start a fucking support group.

Get the fuck outta here.

What are you doing out here?

Where you been?

Out.

I had some song ideas I was kicking around.

Just kinda wandering along the streets,

figure them out, you know?

You coulda called.

Sorry.

I went by the music store last night.

It is the one on East 7th right?

Yeah, I, I didn't want to tell you I got fired.

According to them you quit.

Yeah, I quit, so what?

I don't have to tell you everything.

I guess you don't.

I'm sorry, Marc.

You are some piece of work.

Don't even think about coming home tonight.

Where you going?

I don't know David, a walk.

One of those big, fucking walks.

Marc, I'm sorry if I hurt you.

I don't like getting lied to, ever, about anything.

Maybe this wasn't such a good idea.

Maybe I should just leave.

I don't want you to leave!

Then why are you screaming at me?

Can't I make a mistake?

Sure you can.

But you gotta tell me what's going on.

Nothing's going on.

Did you really say that to other guys?

What are you talking about?

Chuck told me.

"Let's fall in love for one night," remember?

Man.

Did you really say that to other guys?

Yeah, but most of the time that's all it was.

Just one night, just one moment, that's all.

You're quite a romantic.

Yeah Marc, as a matter of fact I am.

Don't start singing show tunes or anything.

I think you need to cool off.

I think this whole thing needs to cool off.

I'll see you later.

♪

Hi, this is Robert.

Please leave your message at the beep.

[machine beeps]

Robert, it's me. pick up.

♪

I know this is a ridiculous hour, um...

David and I just...

Are you there?

♪

I will call you later.

Maybe you want to do breakfast.

♪

♪

Morning.

Hi.

Do you drink coffee?

It's my life.

It's almost ready.

♪

My first boyfriend was in the original cast.

"Follies?"

It's a great show.

I love that you're into musicals.

Sometimes I think I was born at the wrong time.

That's what I used to say.

No, you were born at the right time.

I sure hope so.

Did you ever do Broadway?

Uh, I wish, I couldn't get Broadway.

Maybe Broadway couldn't get me, who knows?

I'm sorry. I, I didn't me--

Nah, it's okay.

The cruise ships were great.

But it got kinda hard after a while,

being away all the time.

What with everybody dying and all.

So, at a certain point I let it pass.

You know what I mean?

Life takes you where it takes you.

Did you lose a lot of friends?

Most of them.

It's hard to imagine.

You're very sweet.

Is that coffee ready yet?

Yeah, how do you like it?

Milk, a little sugar.

♪

Why are their heads always cut off?

So their mothers won't recognize them.

Look at that.

Those abs frighten me, Marc.

Gotta love the catalog.

"Catalog?"

This is the catalog, my Jimmy's the shooter.

Look at those arms.

You're in denial aren't you?

About what?

You got a call-back.

Marc, it's just a call-back.

I'm not gonna go get my hopes up.

There's a positive attitude.

Nice pecs!

Too bad you can't try before you buy.

Wait a minute, is that an angel

on his shoulder?

Yeah.

Oh, man.

What?

It's David.

No, it isn't.

He has an angel right there.

Marc, lots of guys have angels.

Robert!

What are you gonna do?

Hello, I saw your ad in the "Homo Extra".

Now, I'm wondering...

Oui,you have time today?

Fabulous, how about in one hour?

The Village.

A hundred and fifty?

No, no, no, no that's fine.

That's just fine.

Uh, 33 Perry Street, apartment seven.

Henrich, and you are?

Rod.

Okay Rod, see you soon, bye-bye.

Rod?

Henrich?

You think it was him?

I have no idea.

What is 33 Perry Street?

I don't know I just made it up.

Robert, you idiot, there's no 33.

Why?

They didn't do a number 33.

I don't know why.

Well let's just sit here at 31.

He'll have to walk by.

Robert.

Come on, it'll be fine.

Who's idea was this?

Yours.

So, what do you think you get for 150?

Let's not talk about it.

I mean, do you think they let you--

Robert.

What?

Shut up.

What time is it?

We got 20 minutes, wanna get a coffee?

No, let's stay here, what if he comes early?

Oh, fuck.

It's him.

Robert, he's a fucking hooker.

Stay cool, Lambchop, I'll handle this.

Hey guys, how's it going?

How was the audition?

Great, I got a call-back.

Great, what's the part?

It's the part of Rod, the hustler.

Cool.

What do you mean you wanted to tell me?

What do you think you could have told me

that I'd understand?

Marc, I had no money.

What was I supposed to do?

Get a job!

Doesn't anybody work anymore?

I couldn't get a job.

Yeah, I'm supposed to believe you.

Kevin.

I'm sorry you talking to me?

Well, I thought you were in Dallas.

I'm sorry, you must think I'm someone else.

Kevin, what are you talking about?

Oh, excuse us, we're having a discussion here.

"Discussion?"

Yeah.

You're not gonna pull that on me, you little tramp.

I want my keys back, now.

And the Lalique stallion.

I don't know what you're talking about.

Don't pretend you didn't take it.

Sir, I never met you before in my life.

Just give me my keys.

Your keys!

Come on you give them to me, come on!

Well, I don't have your goddamn keys.

Give 'em.

I don't have your keys.

Get off me!

Give me that.

Shame on you.

I ought to call the police!

Your songs were so beautiful.

I can't believe they came out of you.

Marc!

He is not coming back here anytime soon.

I don't really need to do this, Cynthia.

Marc, we do.

You've gotta take your power back, darlin'.

This is an exorcism.

Robert, get the keyboard.

No!

You're right.

We may need it for rent money.

See, Marc?

It's just one cleansing breath and he's gone.

Give me the boots.

Wait, wait, don't do it, don't do it!

Those are Tony Lama's.

Ooh, my heels.

These are Tony Lama's.

Are you out yo' mind?

This is $300 worth of moo cow.

May I please?

Sure, take it all.

For real?

For real.

[Cynthia crying]

[Riffing on keyboard]

Marc, you wanna get out of the tub, please?

Maybe we shouldn't mess with it.

Naw, fuck him. I'd say this is yours now.

Robert, did you just use the "F" word?

You ready?

Yeah...hit it.

♪

♪ Hey, you, busy tonight

♪ Well how about you, huh

♪ What do you say

♪ There's the deli man

who cuts my cheese ♪

♪ But would he be my savior

♪ Or the handyman

who holds my keys ♪

♪ I only ask one favor

♪ Or the cop who walks the beat ♪

♪ There is something about his feet ♪

♪ That assures me he'd complete the mission ♪

♪ A construction gang that works up high ♪

♪ I sit and watch them sweating ♪

♪ They are riveting

up in the sky ♪

♪ My appetite they're whetting ♪

♪ There are fireman and mailmen, meter men

and salesmen, garbagemen and milkmen, even clergymen ♪

♪ I'd see men each place I'd go ♪

♪ They were teasing me I know

♪ But then finally I found my hero ♪

♪ Seems you never know who's right for you

'till destiny provides him ♪

♪ And with hope and time he'll love you too ♪

♪ You look for ways to guide him ♪

♪ Someone to hold me

♪ Someone to need me

♪ Someone to recognize

that through it all I need him too ♪

♪ Someone who's pleasant

♪ Someone who pleases

♪ Someone to share a joke

♪ A little smile, a lovely view ♪

♪ Someone who's patient and knows my fears ♪

♪ Someone whose tenderness

♪ Will wipe away my lonely years ♪

♪ Someone who's daring

♪ Someone who's warm and caring ♪

♪ I reach my hand out in the cold ♪

♪ But I never find a hand to hold ♪

♪ When night has fallen

♪ I find my true star

♪ And make my constant wish

that happiness will come my way ♪

♪ Then with my eyes closed

♪ I keep on dreaming

♪ And pray my empty heart

♪ Won't have to wait

♪ Another day

That was beautiful.

What was it?

"The Grand Gesture."

Marc, Marc, come quick, Marc!

Marc, Marc!

What happened?

There's a mouse.

A mouse ran right over me!

I felt its little feet

and it went under the covers, Marc!

Under the covers, and then it ran underneath--

Okay, okay, I'll get it!

Oh, my God!

I want go home Marc, please!

Cynthia, come on down here, rel--

No, I can't do this, I have to go--

Okay, Cynthia, easy, easy.

It's all right.

It's not all right!

I can't do this Marc!

You don't understand!

Can I get something for you?

No! I don't want anything!

I want to go home!

Home, that's all I want.

Okay, Cynthia, just come down.

We'll figure this out, all right?

Come on down.

I'm sorry, I can't, I have to go home!

I wanna go home!

I love you too, Mom.

Okay.

Dad?

I'm really sorry.

Okay, Dad.

♪

Okay...bye.

♪

♪

I'll send you a check as soon as I get there, okay?

Okay.

♪

We'll miss you, Lambchop.

Come back soon.

Thanks, Marc.

♪

Bye.

Bye.

♪

♪

Robert... I don't know what to say.

♪

It's okay, Marc.

♪

Your song is beautiful.

Thanks.

It's for the first act, right?

Yeah...

and for you.

♪

Really.

Robert...I'm sorry.

[church bells]

There's nothing to be sorry about.

Jerk.

[knocking on door]

Who is it?

FBI.

Very funny, Robert.

Does Cynthia Fredericks live here?

Yeah. She's away.

Do you know anything about this?

Oh, brother...

♪

Uh...

[train whistle]

A weekend in the country.

How amusing.

How delightfully droll.

A weekend in the country.

While we're losing our control.

Where the hell's the subway?

Nice weather.

Hey guys, over here!

Cynthia!

Hey Lambchops, how are you?

Nice wheels.

Thank you.

I've always wanted to say that.

How you doing?

I'm doing fine, really.

You look great to me.

Thanks.

Come on, get in.

Shotgun!

♪

Marc, she's rich, rich!

Oh, it's too good to be true.

This is your house?

Yep.

Cynthia, are you as rich as we think you are?

Oh, I sure hope so.

Daddy's never been very flashy about it.

He's very old school and all you know.

She's rich.

Fabulous.

Glad your father doesn't go in for flashy.

Careful!

You know an army of lumberjacks gave their lives

to harvest this floor.

Really?

Robert, she's joking.

Oh.

You are joking right?

You guys are so gullible.

Where are your folks?

They went to the city for the weekend,

so we've got the joint to ourselves.

How do people get this rich?

I don't know, they...

I don't know Lambchop, they just do.

Thank God you haven't lost your grip on reality.

Yeah, we were worried.

Robert, you break it, you bought it.

Cynthia, I don't know about this room.

It's a little too modest for me.

Just pick a bedroom for God's sake!

Darling, I say darling, which wing would you like?

East wing or West wing?

Oh, East would be lovely.

I've always adored the Far East, don't you?

Yes, then it's settled.

Perfect.

Delightful.

Smashing.

Thank god.

Robert, how do you know how to do that?

You're actually good at that.

The Fresh Air Fund.

The Hamptons for poor city kids.

Cynthia, I'm very frightened.

Come on Marc.

Not today.

Come on.

Nope!

This is humiliating.

You make a very cute quarterback, Marc.

Now just relax and shoot.

Do I have to?

Yes.

What if you ever have to play

a character who knows how to play basketball?

It's my worst nightmare.

See, you have to know about these things.

Okay, stand back.

Game's over.

♪

Seeing you guys really makes me miss the city.

I feel like maybe I can do it now, you know?

How do you mean?

Well, I guess I'm a little more realistic.

See, darlings, I've learned to embrace my inner child

and she's one spoiled bitch.

I'm actually kind of embarrassed about it.

You shouldn't be.

We all have our moments.

Which way to the pool?

Do I detect a change of subject?

Come on, let's go to the pool.

Actually, you know what?

You guys go on ahead.

I'm gonna go take a nap.

Doctor's orders.

♪

Marc!

Hello.

Hello.

So you never told me what happened with you and Zola.

It wasn't pretty.

That's too bad.

Yeah, well no more tens for me.

They're way too much aggravation.

Nope, I'm gonna find me a nice homely guy

who likes to sit around listening to show tunes,

reading the arts and leisure and drinking lots

and lots and lots of coffee.

A regular dream come true.

Precisely.

Now of course, if he has biceps for days

and a washboard stomach,

we are not gonna turn him away.

This would be madness.

Insanity.

I wasn't dreaming.

Hi.

Hi.

Marc, what are you doing?

Kissing you.

Well, I can see that.

Don't play with me Marc.

I'm not.

Yeah, I do.

I really do.

My parents are just gonna try to keep me out here forever

and you know sooner or later it's gonna get really bad again.

Well, I'm gonna end up leaving in the middle

of some ugly fight, so just why not leave

before the shit hits the fan?

I have another call, can you just hold?

Thanks.

Hello?

Mm-hmm.

Yes?

This is she.

She what?

You're kidding me!

Really?

Oh, my God.

Um, yeah, sure, anytime.

Tomorrow at 2:00 is perfect.

Fine...thanks!

Oh, my God!

[phone ringing]

Hello?

Doctor, I'm really, really sorry,

but you're never gonna believe what happened.

Tina Brown's secretary just called me

and she wants to meet me tomorrow at 2:00!

Yeah.

Mm-hmm...okay.

♪

Marc, Robert, come quick!

Tina called me, she actually called me!

You mean you're not going to jail?

I spoke to her secretary, who's lovely by the way!

And she said that Tina said,

that my persistence was legendary!

She wants to meet me!

Tomorrow!

That's fantastic.

The FBI must have put in a good word.

Oh, my God I'm so excited.

I could just...

I don't know what I could do.

They took away all my credit cards.

Are you two holding hands?

Does this mean what I'd like to think it means?

Maybe.

We're not sure.

Are you sure we're not sure?

You were the one who was sure we're not sure.

We're not sure.

Robert, don't let him pull that danger boy routine on you.

I'm not pulling anything.

Don't fuck with him, Marc, you hear me?

He's not.

Yeah right.

I'm not.

You okay?

I'm fine.

Really, it's fine!

It's fine?

Doesn't exactly sound very romantic to me.

Cynthia, he's fine, I'm fine.

Looks like you're fine, how about some lunch, huh?

You two should be together, you're perfect for each other.

You didn't do it did you?

In your mother's garden?

We have better manners than that.

Yeah, but you're going to, right?

I mean, please tell me that you're going to.

I find this talk shocking don't you?

Extremely.

Oh, you crazy boys.

Men.

Thank you.

All right.

Let's get going because I really want

to make a quick getaway before Mom and Dad get home.

Good idea.

♪

What a day this has been.

What a rare mood I'm in.

Robert, please, I can only handle so much glee.

She hasn't been out of hospital that long.

Did you know that nervous breakdowns

are highly underrated?

You don't say?

Yeah, my shrink told me that.

♪

♪ Spring's in the air

♪ There's magic everywhere

♪ When you're young and in love ♪

♪ Life seems to be

a world of fantasy ♪

♪ When you're young & in love

♪ Each night seems just like the Fourth of July ♪

♪ When stars spangle the sky

♪ The moon at night

seems to shine twice as bright ♪

♪ When you're young and in love ♪

♪ Dreams can come true

if you believe they do ♪

♪ When you're young and in love ♪

♪ Though many teardrops are bound to fall ♪

♪ True love will conquer all

♪ When you're, when you're young and in love ♪

♪ There's no mountain you can't climb ♪

♪ When you're young and in love ♪

♪

♪

♪ When you're young and in love ♪

♪ Though many teardrops are bound to fall ♪

♪ True love will conquer all

♪ When you're, when you're young and in love ♪

♪ Oh, yeah

♪ When you're young and in love ♪

♪ Oh, yeah

♪ When you're young and in love ♪

♪ When you're young and in love ♪

♪ When you're young and in love ♪

♪

♪ Young and in love

♪