Original subtitles

- Jesus, help me. Jesus, protect me from evil.

Jesus--

- Knight to king bishop five.

- Bishop takes knight.

- Queen takes bishop.

- Missed that.

Doesn't make any difference.

Queen takes queen. Check.

- King to king's rook one.

- Checkmate.

- When did you find out the truth about Santa?

- Later than I should have.

- I got the cash.

So do you have it?

- I'll cross over and I'll get it.

It's all about waiting.

Don't rush time or time will rush back to you.

Twelve past.

- I hate that place.

- Well, we have to cross over very carefully.

You must really love her.

One, two, three.

Four, five, six.

I got the gifts.

- Oh yeah.

- Darlin', this is the best night of your life.

- You know, I been thinkin'.

- Shh. Shh.

♪ Move up close

♪ Move up close

♪ Spin that girl and you'll let her know ♪

♪ When you bring her in, hold her tight ♪

♪ Grab those hips and you move her right ♪

♪ She has the moves, the swing that you want ♪

♪ All that you need and nothing you don't ♪

♪ She's got - Just the way I like 'em.

♪ The lights are low and the music's up ♪

♪ The band is rockin' and the girl is tough ♪

- Use your head.

Come on, I'll help you.

You're gonna win this time.

Want to prove that I'm number one, right?

Gonna smash your fuckin' teeth in. Come on.

- It's over. It's all over for you.

- I'm sorry about that.

I thought there was somebody out there.

It's fine. I'm fine now.

Could you just stay on there for a second?

Because this thing keeps crashing. You're like cracking up.

- You're all right. - Hang on on sec.

- I told you you were worrying over nothing.

I might see you tomorrow.

- It was only the cat. What'd I tell you, eh?

It was the cat.

What are you doing? This thing's crap.

Katie, Katie, there's no sound. Hi.

I don't know. I think it's the computer thing.

I can't hear what you're saying at all.

Hi, Katie.

- Hey!

- Help!

- Stay where you are and keep your hands

where I can fuckin' see them!

- You're all right.

Should we brush our teeth?

A bit scary. Aw.

Ghosties aren't real, darlin'. They're not real, are they?

All right then, are you going to a Halloween party

in a minute?

- Yeah. - Yeah?

You want to see what your costume looks like?

- Yeah. - Look.

What are you dressed as? What are you?

- A witch.

- Are you a wicked witch?

You do it.

- No. - Do the laugh.

- No.

- Ready, we'll be ghosties.

- Yeah.

- Daddy.

Daddy? - Isabelle?

- Daddy.

- No one.

Shit.

Hi.

- Hi, what do you want?

- What time is it?

- It's death o'clock.

- Damn near made it.

Almost late for my own funeral again,

or however it is that ridiculous cliche goes.

Regardless, the dawn waits for no man or beast.

Ann Gable, the beloved film actress.

Even by my moralless standards, my behavior during

our encounter this past evening was outlandishly wretched.

And sadistic.

And downright perverse.

Perhaps this isn't the right time for my evening review.

The dawn.

But then again, perhaps this actually is the right time.

The right time for me to finally take a stand and bring

this catastrophe that is my existence to a screeching halt

and to finally say fuck this!

- Emily, run! Run!

- It's supposed to work.

Oh, option one. All right, let's try the door.

It's supposed to be working.

- It's gotta be the right one. This has to be the right one.

- Wait, let's try it.

All right, I dialed the number. It's supposed to be working.

All right, let's do it. One, two, three.

- Oh god, close it, close it, close it!

Dial the number! Dial the number quick!

- I'm trying, I'm trying. Okay.

- You got it? - Yeah.

- All right. - Ready?

- One, two, tree.

Oh my god, same thing! Close it.

Oh my god! Oh my god!

Oh god. Oh god.

- It's supposed to be working.

Come on, we got to get it right this time.

This is supposed to be working.

All right, let's try it.

- This has to be it. Ready?

- Okay, let me try this last one, all right?

- Okay, come on, you gotta get it right this time.

Come on.

- Hi, boys.

- Oh, thank god.

- God damn .

- Look at all of 'em. - I can't stand 'em.

- Come and get us, dumbasses.

Man. - Hey, Uncle Ray,

hand me another one of them beers.

- All right, let's see here. - Yeah, get me one too.

- There you go, man.

- I want one of them beers. - All right, help yourself.

Get your own damn beer, man.

- Come on. - Hey, man.

Don't hurt yourself there.

Come on. - Oh, don't look. Don't look.

- What? What is it? Well, hold on. Get out.

Whoa, holy .

- Take a look at this boy, Ray.

- This is real, man. This is really happening.

- Yeah, holy , he's dead.

- Something ate him like that,

what's it gonna do to you?

- I don't know. - Damn.

- Holy - Go! Go!

Ray, is that you?

- Whoa, whoa, whoa, hold on, man.

Hold on. Hold on, there's something wrong.

Oh my god, no.

No, no, no, man.

That's not your kid! - Henry, no!

- That's not your kid anymore, man!

That's not your kid! Oh, man.

- What the hell is your problem?

- Oh this is not good. This isn't good!

This isn't good!

- Let's get the out of here. They're gone.

- No, Dwight.

Oh ! Holy !

Oh !

Oh !

- No!

- No, no, no, no!

No, no, no, no!

Fuck! Fuck!

Yeah, yeah, choke on it, motherfucker! Fuck you!

You don't even know.

Fuck.

No, no!

- Good evening, my victims.

You caught me in the middle of having a midnight snack,

a freshly caught one.

Now there is many ways I can prepare this tasty morsel.

Humans like to eat carrots for their vision,

but I like to go straight to the source.

Roasted eyeballs.

Mm.

And now for the main course.

Well, that was tasty.

Who's next?

- Hey, guys, Steve Jackson here with my video series

catching up with old friends I haven't seen

for over 10 years.

Today, we're gonna talk to Jeffery Tobonics.

Coolest guy in school, always got the ladies.

Let's see what he's up to.

Yo, Jeffery, you still get all them ladies?

- Oh yeah, we're on now? Oh, what's up, Steve, man?

How you doing, man? How you doing?

Man, I haven't seen you in forever.

I can't believe you got ahold of me. Am I looking good?

Oh yeah, I'm lookin' good like I did back in high school.

Because, man, this is Jeffery Tobonics.

As you know, I make the ladies go bubonic.

Just like back in school I'm still playin' it now like that.

Oh yeah. Man, I'm still the man.

- Oh yeah. - And I got ladies

all over the land right now, just like back then.

I get the ladies, I'll be flexin' like this.

The ladies love me. I get all the ladies everywhere.

As you know, I don't play.

- Oh, you think you're tough now, motherfucker?

- What the hell? - You ain't tough, bitch.

- What the hell? - Try keeping your

bangs straight motherfucker. - What the hell?

What the hell? What the hell? - No bitch shit. No bitch shit.

- No, no, no!

- Bitch shit, motherfucker! Motherfucker!

- Oh no! - Motherfucker, you like that?

Oh, I bet you like that, don't you?

- Hey.

- First round of drinks was pretty good.

- Yeah?

Well if you like those, something else I'd like you to have.

- Oh, you want to give me something?

- Yeah.

- How about I just take it?

Let's go have some fun.

- Okay.

Hell yeah.

Now what are those?

- Something that's gonna make the night

a little more interesting.

- Why can't I feel anything?

- The pill was to numb you and to keep you alive.

You taste so much sweeter alive.

- Damn. Damn it.

I burned myself. No, I'm okay.

Shut up. I do know how to cook.

Yeah, I like the place. The house needs a bit of work.

But what house doesn't nowadays?

Yeah, I like it. It was a real steal.

The only thing that troubles me, though, is these noises.

Kind of sound like footsteps.

No, I don't think the place is haunted.

Kinda creepy, but not haunted.

Oh, hold on, hold on.

I think Jenny just got home. Don't be so needy.

I promise I'll call you back, okay?

All right. Okay, okay, bye.

Jenny, I'm in the kitchen.

Hey, lady ha ha, can you answer when I call you?

Rude.

Hey, Numbnuts, I'm running a bit late.

Stuck in traffic. I'll be home soon.

Don't eat all the food, McStinkie. I'm starving.

- Being a father means

having to take the tough decisions.

If your home is threatened, you become a protector.

If someone wrongs them, you become an avenger.

- Dad, stop. You don't have to do this.

- Just get out of the way. You've done enough.

- Well, I'm sorry.

- Just get your ass back inside.

- Let her stay, Jonas.

I'm taking her with me either with your blessing

or over your dead body.

- Leave now before it goes too far.

- It already has.

That bitch of yours and that bastard child inside of her

belong to me now.

- You got yourself three seconds

to get off my fucking property.

- You got three to let me take mine.

- One, two.

- Three.

Looks like that's two members of your family

I've had on their backs, Jonas.

- Not today, you bastard.