All language subtitles for Southern Baptist Sissies - (2013)

**

* Pass me
not, o' gentle savior.

* Hear my humble cry.

* While on others
Thou art calling.

* Do not pass me by.

* Savior, oh Savior,

* Hear my humble cry.

* While on others
Thou art calling.

* Do not pass me by.

* When the trumpet
of the Lord shall sound,

* and time shall be no more,

* And the morning breaks,
eternal, bright and fair;

* When the saved on
earth shall gather

* over on the other shore,

* And the roll is called
up yonder, I'll be there.

* When the roll is
called up yonder,

* When the roll is
called up yonder,

* When the roll is
called up yonder,

* When the roll is called
up yonder, I'll be there.

- Unless you're a fag.

* On that bright and
cloudless morning

* when the dead in
Christ shall rise,*

- Welcome to Calgary Baptist.

Good to see ya'll.

Glad you could make it.

We've been missing
you in church.

Good to see you.

Glad ya'll could be here.

* When the roll is called
up yonder, I'll be there.

- Unless you're a sodomite.

- Everybody sing!

* When the roll is
called up yonder,

* When the roll is
called up yonder,

* When the roll is
called up yonder,

* When the roll is called
up yonder, I'll be there.*

- Unless you're a big ol'
sissy queen homosexual.

- Yes, brethren.

- Or a dyke!

- When the roll is called up yonder,
I will be there.

- Praise God.
- Will you?

Well I certainly hope so because

there's only one way to
get to that promised land.

One way to get to heaven,

and that's through our lord
and savior, Jesus Christ!

Now let's open our
bibles to Romans 3:23.

"For all have sinned and come

"short of the glory of God."

- Have they?

- Now let's flip
over to Romans 6:23.

"For the wages of sin is death,

"but the gift of God
is eternal life."

Eternal life, death.

Eternal damnation in
that burning lake of fire

where there shall be weeping,
and gnashing of teeth.

- Ew!

- Forever! For eternity!

- That's so long.

- Now God gave us choices.

- Does He now?

- Free will, it is your choice.

- What a crock of shit!

- Free will, now I'm
going to say this again,

- Oh please do because I don't

think we got it the
first one hundred times.

- God gave us the
freedom of choice.

- Really? Well I
choose to go to Hell.

I choose to burn in
the lake of fire,

I choose to gnash my teeth.

Wouldn't you?

I mean it's so logical --

- Are you lost and
without Christ?

- I guess.

- Are you on that broad and winding road that leads to destruction?

- Yup, just skipping along!

- You want to burn in Hell?

- Could I just simmer please?

- You want to go down?!

- Okay, that's enough
of you for now.

I was born in Dallas, Texas.

The buckle of the bible belt.

Here at Calgary Baptist Church,

my Daddy was a deacon,

Mama was the Primary
Sunday School teacher.

Me? I'm a queer.

A fag, a pansy, a mo,
a fairy... a sissy.

I have continued to disappoint
them my entire life.

- If you haven't accepted Jesus

as your personal savior--

- Hey!

I'm not done.

These are our Mothers.

Except one dead Mama
and another in prison,

but more on them later.

That... is our preacher.

Back then, I believed every
word he said; we all did.

I have some doubts now.

Brother Chaffy... blatant.

Okay, I'm going to
do you all a favor,

I'm going to have
him skip the next

boring 45 minutes of his sermon.

Wrap it up, Preacher man!

- Now we're going to sing
an invitational hymn.

If you are lost
and without Christ,

I want you to open up your
hearts and accept Him.

It's easy, just bow
your head and say,

"Come into my heart, Jesus.
I accept thee, Lord."

Then make it public, walk
right down this aisle!

Tell the world.

- It's really only a
few hundred people,

but Baptists are very dramatic.

- I feel like there's somebody out there needs to be saved.

Let Him into your heart.

Come to Jesus.

Come to Jesus.

- I want to accept Jesus
as my personal savior!

- Amen, praise Jesus!

- That's Andrew.

He was my best friend
when I was little.

Look at beautiful he was.

Nobody had a soul that deep.

Nobody.

There were four of us.

Four sissies in
Calgary Baptist Church.

There were about forty
kids in the church,

so ironically it worked
out statistically.

Sissy... interesting word.

A negative word,
and not something

I ever wanted to be,

but it was the first
word I ever heard

that described that part of me.

That part I despised.

Even now, I do not want
to be called "sissy."

Gay, fine.

Handsome, masculine, straight

acting gay guy... better.

That's Benny, the
biggest sissy of all.

This... is TJ.

Be still my foolish heart.

TJ's Mama died
when he was little

and he worked very
hard to please

his tight ass military Dad.

He excelled in
everything... except loving me.

He was a prize pupil
in Sunday School,

he could memorize scriptures
better than any of us

and when it came to
bible drill, look out!

Ready? Draw swords!

John 3:16!

"For God so loved the world

"that he gave his
only begotten son

"that whosoever believeth in Him

"shall not perish, but
have everlasting life."

John 3:16.

- "For God so loved the world."

Ironic, huh?

Because this... is where
learned to hate ourselves.

Andrew was the first
to accept Jesus.

Then Benny, then TJ.

I held out.

Mark Lee Fuller, the thinker.

The one who
questioned everything.

- I accepted Jesus as my

personal savior when
I was eight years old.

I felt that tug at my
heart Sunday after Sunday.

When that invitation
would start to play.

When everybody would start
to sing Just As I Am,

Softly and Tenderly, or
Pass Me Not O Gentle Savior,

I'd feel that tug,
and I'd grip that pew.

I didn't quite understand it

accepting Jesus, Him
entering your heart.

It was a concept that was
beyond my young years,

but I knew that I needed
to live my life for Jesus.

I don't want to go to Hell.

Did not want to burn
in the lake of fire

where there was weeping
and gnashing of teeth.

I didn't know exactly what
gnashing of teeth was,

but it did not sound
like a good thing.

Preacher told me I'd reach
the age of accountability.

I was now accountable
for my sins.

Later on I used to think,

just how many sins
does an eight year old

really have that
he's accountable for?

But Mama said it meant
knowing right from wrong

which I did, I mean
I knew it was wrong

when I lied to Mama
to get out of stuff,

but mostly I was a good kid.

That day, the day I
walked down that aisle

at Calgary Baptist Church,

a feeling of... peace.

Of joy and happiness flowed
through my entire being.

From that moment
I felt... safe.

In the arms of Jesus because

He'd wash my sins away.

All of them.

The ones in the past,
and the ones to come.

Lord knows there
are plenty to come.

That day, I believed.

That day it was easy.

All the hard stuff came later.

- Let's extend the right hand

of Christian Fellowship
to young Andrew here

as we sing our closing song.

* Praise God, from
whom all blessings flow;

* Praise Him, all
creatures here below;

* Praise Him above,
ye heavenly host;

* Praise Father,
Son, and Holy Ghost*

Praise Father,
Son, and Holy Ghost!

- Ooooh, that's a good'un

I'm Odette.

Odette Annette Barnette.

I know, that many
rhymes is trashy,

which I am not,
thank you very much.

But Mama wanted twins,

she was going to name
them Odette and Annette,

but I come out all
by my lonesome,

so she just gives me both names

and along with Barnette,

well thus the triple rhyme.

- Well isn't that something?

It's so nice to meet you.

Odette Annette Barnette.

I'm assuming you were
raised Southern Baptist.

- Accepted Jesus as
my Lord and savior

and was baptized at nine.

Amen!

- Hallelujah!

- I got kicked out here
a little while back

over an unfortunate incident

I'd rather not
discuss right now.

And you? What's your story?

- Well we have
something in common.

I was kicked out early on

when I was found in a
precarious situation

with the handsome
Assistant Pastor

fresh out of Seminary!

My name is Preston Leroy,

but folks just call me Peanut.

- Nice to meet you, Peanut.

Here's to backsliding Baptists.

- Here's to backsliding
homosexual former Baptists.

Here's to sinners that
made a redemption!

- No no no, honey,
I'm not a lesbian.

I'm an alcoholic.

- Well as for me, I'm
just a social drinker.

You have a drink, so shall I.

- That's a good'un.

I like to come here because

there's just no judgment
with you people.

The gays don't seem to judge

your behavior like other folk.

- Ho ho ho.

- They just let drunks
be drunks, you know?

I don't have to worry about

all the lechers
trying to pick me up.

- I see.

- You go ahead and laugh.

Shit, you don't
think I get offers?

- I'm sorry.

- Shit, honey, if
my bed could talk

it'd never shut up.

You give head like
me, word gets out.

You know what I mean?

I had a reputation,
a wicked one.

I liked it.

- Oh shit, you think you gays

have the blowjob
market cornered.

Hell, I'd put my
blowjob up against yours

any time, any place,
just say the word.

I was born without a gag reflex.

Need I say more?

- No!

You're ruining my buzz.

- Sorry.

I don't know what makes
me talk dirty sometimes.

I'm no showoff! I'm so sorry.

Look there.

Do you know that boy over there?

- Uh uh, no ma'am.

No no no, no siree.

Don't you trifle with that one.

That's love for sale.

They call that boy
a traveling ray.

He's got a pecker
long as your arm,

and a rap sheet even longer.

- How do you know that?

- I heard.

- Traveling ray, huh?

I thought for a minute...

well, looks like
someone from my past.

- I'll bet there are many.

- Well that's for me to
know and you to find out.

Oh, sometimes I miss the church.

The hymns.

Old Baptists know how to
sing, that's for dang sure!

There was a feeling I got there.

Feeling safe in
the arms of Jesus.

But I had to leave.

After that unfortunate incident
I'd rather not discuss,

I just had to.

You miss it, Peanut?

- Like a root canal.

- Oh you do too and you know it.

I seen it in your eyes
when you was singing.

It was a sadness.

Did it feel like
that to you, Peanut?

Safe in the arms of Jesus.

- More like safe in the arms

of the handsome
Assistant Pastor.

Fresh out of Seminary!

But we got caught.

His wife found out, then
he shot and killed hisself.

It's true.

- Everybody has their truth.

Yours may be
different than mine.

This... was mine.

Or would it be this IS mine?

Because right now, at
this moment, fortunately,

or unfortunately,
I am the sum of me.

Now don't think too hard about

that one because
it'll fuck you up.

Thinking has always
fucked me up.

Or has it been my salvation?

Now I'm confusing
myself by thinking!

The story of my life.

What the hell?

Just try to follow
along, folks, will ya?

There will be no timeline here.

You are who you are,

and I am who I am.

Your journey here just might be

different than the person
sitting next to you.

That's okay.

It'll be your journey.

Sometimes I close my eyes

and create a perfect world.

A world of acceptance and
understanding and love.

Knock Knock!

- But I always wake up.

Yes, it's
open, come on in.

- Excuse me, preacher,

but could I talk to
you for a minute?

- Well yes, of course.

Oh, hello Mrs. Watson.

Long time, how have you been?

- Oh, fair to middle-in'.

- We sure been
missing you in church.

I'm glad you're
sending Benny though,

he's a joy to have around.

- Well Sunday is my
prison visiting day

with Benny's Mama.

Where I went wrong
I have no idea.

Mind if I smoke?

- I'd really rather you not.

- Delinda, my youngest,

gets out in four years.

If she behaves herself.

Good luck with that.

I am stuck raising two more.

- This is part of
the church house.

- Oh, well I'm trying
to quit anyway.

Look Preacher, I
come here because

I need to talk with
you about something.

In confidence.

Real, real personal.

- Yes, of course,
how can I help you?

- Well I am worried
about my grandboy Benny.

- Benny?

Well I would think
that Benny would be

a shining light in the
turbulent waters here right now.

This is my wife.

- Uh huh.

We've met.

Sweet.

Well he is.

Benny is just a precious
sweet little old thing.

But, well, there's
just something off.

He just don't seem like
other normal little boys.

- In what way?

- Well he likes to play
with his sister's dolls.

He don't care a lick about
trucks, or guns, or knives.

- Maybe that's best
being his Mama's

serving time for holding
up that liquor store.

- I guess.

But the other day, I was over

visiting Dixie Van
Blarcum next door,

she lives in our
mobile home park,

number eight!

She has a real nice double wide.

Once you're inside you
wouldn't even know.

Anyway, they had
just brought her

home from the hospital

after her hysterectomy.

She had a cyst the
size of a cantaloupe!

Woo, thank goodness, benign.

I took over some
chicken and dumplings,

my Aunt Booger's recipe.

That's not her real name!

We just call her that.

She had a lot of
colds as a child.

- I see.

I know Dixie's husband.

He does handyman work for
me here at the church.

Well how's she doing?

- Oh, she's better.

Dixie's Catholic you know.

- I know.

- One step off from Jehovah's

Witnesses if you ask me.

- Now don't get me
started on the Mormons,

Buddhists, Islams and Jews.

- I won't!

We don't have time.

Anyway, when I got back
from visiting Dixie,

Benny was... my
grandboy was...

He was wearing that
turquoise dress

I had on last Easter service.

The matching hat,
had lipstick on,

and was singing in the mirror

with a hairbrush
to some disco song.

By a black woman.

- Oh my...

- It was real loud,

and he didn't seem
all that embarrassed

that I caught him.

I'm worried.

He's off, not quite right.

Not in a retarded way.

But in a sissy way.

Oh Preacher, what should I do?

- Well we need to pray for him.

Teach him that such a deviant

behavior is wrong and he's
going to be just fine.

Benny's a good little boy
with a nice tender heart

and he's going to grow up

to be a good Christian man.

Let's go to the scriptures.

Proverbs 22:6.

"Train up a child on
the way he should go,

"and when he is old he
will not depart from it."

Ladies and
gentlemen, the Rose Room

proudly presents
Miss Iowna Traylor!

Come on, Odette!

The drag show's about to start.

* I am a seeker

* A poor simple creature

* There is no weaker than I am

* I am a seeker and
you are a teacher

* You are a reacher
so reach down

- I'm gay!

* Won't you reach
out and lead me

* Guide me and keep me

* In the shelter of
your care each day

* I am a seeker and
you are a keeper

* You are a leader won't
you show me the way

* I am a vessel that's
empty and useless

* I am a bad seed
that fell by the way

* I am a loser that
wants to be a winner

* You are my last hope
don't turn me away

He's proud
of them titties!

* Hold on though,
you are a mountain

* From which there
flows a fountain

* So let its water
wash my sins away

* Cause I am a seeker
and you are a keeper

* You are a leader won't
you show me the way!*

Testify, Sister!

- She nailed that one.

- To the cross,
honey. To the cross.

- I bet you're wondering
what went wrong.

Hell if I know.

Yet this is how I ended up.

Miss Iowna Traylor.

That's T-R-A-Y-L-O-R.

Hottest female
illusionist in the

whole damn state of Texas.

Sugar, I am good!

And pretty.

I perform regular
here at the Rose Room,

I do Country Divas.

Dolly, Ramona, and
Miss Carrie Underwood!

Girl, I do not lip sync.

No, uh uh.

I do not.

I learned to sing early
on in the Baptist Church.

Now this is my sanctuary.

I tried to do all
the great Divas once,

even the black ones.

Miss Whitney...

Miss Whitney Houston
to be specific.

I get so emotional.

The makeup took forever

and all the black
women got pissed.

Baby, you do not want to

piss off an LA
Brother Queen! Uh uh!

Do not step into
their territories.

Besides, my pores opened up

and it took so long for
me to be white again

that I actually
experienced discrimination.

I was a black homosexual.

Double whammy!

It was not pretty.

I would like to do
Tina Turner though.

Just once before
I meet my maker.

Oh shit, I'm digressing
way too early.

We could be here for days.

Growing up in Texas,
Calgary Baptist,

I quickly realized that
yes, I was different.

Didn't take no Einstein
to figure that one out.

I mean okay, you
sometimes look at someone

and you think,
"Maybe. He's butch,

"but why does he always play

"that Dreamgirls soundtrack?"

Yeah precious, with
me it took one look.

You knew!

I'd make that
Focus on the Family

founder James Dobsen
question that choice shit.

That is, if he cared enough

to really get to know me.

If he did, his whole
world would come

tumbling down like the
walls of fucking Jericho.

Then he'd have to deal with

his own tradition, if
you know what I mean.

Ever hear, "Thee protest
too much, milady?"

So many people
question, "Why me?

"Why am I a fag?

"Why do I have this urge to

"roll around naked with a man,

"oh God, please take
away these urges!"

Not me, baby.

Uh uh, I embraced those
urges at an early age.

It all started behind

Calgary Baptist Church
when I was... 13?

I remember it well.

Oh... it's far too
naughty to tell this soon.

I don't want to alienate
anyone early on.

Maybe later.

When you grow to love me.

Embrace... good work.

See, I embrace what embraces me.

Baptists don't embrace me?

Fuck them!

Fuck James Dobsen!

And Bryan Fisher,
those cock sucking

motherfucking son of a bitches.

Both Victoria no
talent Jacksons.

Growing pain in my
ass Kirk Cameron.

Fuck the Ricks,
Perry and Santorum,

and the Pats, Buchanan
and Robertson,

and Sarah Palin, fuck her.

George W -- oh and
horse face Coulter

Oh and especially fuck
Michele "cuntback" Bachmann

and her tired old
queen husband Marcus.

Who does she think
she's fooling?

Marcus? Oh please.

There has been a
cock in that mouth.

You 'Marcus' my words.

But really now,
who gives a shit?

Those ass wipe
haters can't hurt me.

Wasted energy, if you ask me.

I've got better things to do.

I certainly am not
stupid enough to think

that I could change their

fucked up warped little minds.

Not like Mark.

Thinks he can change the world.

I mean give it up, baby.

Be happy.

Oh yeah, sugarplum dumplings.

I'm happy.

Most days.

- Do you feel different?

- Yeah, a little I guess.

- They say you're a changed

person when you accept Jesus.

Do you feel like
a changed person?

Because you look
exactly the same to me.

- I feel different.

I'm not scared of dying

and going to Hell anymore.

- Boys, y'all quit
talking and go to sleep!

A sleepover means you --

- You sleep, we know. Mom.

I am scared of dying.

- Well that's because you

haven't accepted Jesus.

If you would accept him,

you wouldn't feel
scared of dying.

- What if I accept him because

I'm just scared of
dying and going to Hell,

and I don't do it because
I love Jesus or anything?

Then I'm not really
for real saved.

- Boys!

- Sorry.

- I'd still go Hell
because I did it

and I didn't do it right.

- Mark, stop thinking.

- I can't.

- Dear heavenly Father,

I just ask that you
speak to my boy.

Make Mark's heart heavy
with conviction Lord,

he needs to accept you
as his personal savior.

Speak to him, Lord Jesus.

In your precious
holy name I pray.

Amen.

* The B-I-B-L-E

* Yes, that's the book for me

* I stand alone
on the Word of God

* The B-I-B-L-E

- That word is a lamp...
that word is a lamp...

- Unto! - Unto my feet,
and a light unto my path

Psalms 119:105.

* The B-I-B-L-E

* Yes, that's the book for me

* I stand alone
on the Word of God

* The B-I-B-L-E

- Yes, from the mouths of babes.

The B-I-B-L-E.

That is the book for me.

This is God's holy
word, all of it!

Every last word.

- "Thou shalt not lie with
mankind as with womankind

"it is an abomination."
Leviticus 18:22.

- "And all that
are in the waters

"that have not fins and scales

"in the seas and in the rivers

"ye shall not eat
of their flesh,

"but ye shall have their
carcasses in abomination."

Leviticus 11:10 and 11.

In God's eyes,

eating shrimp is just
as bad as sucking cock.

* The B-I-B-L-E

* Yes, that's the book for me

* I stand alone
on the Word of God

* The B-I-B-L-E

- *I stand alone
on the word of God

* The B-I-B-L-E

- Oh lord, that
brings back memories.

Vacation Bible School.

Kool-aid, bible
stories, and crafts.

I still have my little cigar box

covered with macaroni
spray painted gold.

I keep all my valuables in it.

- Well isn't that something.

- What's wrong with you, sug?

You seem a little off tonight.

You ain't singing
with conviction.

- "Sing with conviction!"

That's what our preacher brother

Kincaid used to say.

Oh, I'm a little
down in the dumps.

I'm getting old, Odette
Annette Barnette.

I looked in the mirror tonight

I just about screamed.

- You ought to change
all the lightbulbs

out in your house
to surprise pink.

I once knew this old
stripper named Mitzi...

or was it Laverne?

I do remember this other

Mother daughter stripping team

called The Jugs.

That's a whole different
story, tragedy.

Anyway, Mitzi owned this strip

joint called The Boobie Hatch,

and when she got a
little long in the tooth

she'd just move back
the first row of tables,

change all the
light bulbs in the

establishment to surprise pink,

and that extended her
stripping career by ten years!

Distance and darkness, honey.

It's a girl's best friend.

That's my motto, Peanut.

- Are you sure
you're not a lesbian?

I mean hanging out
in them titty bars?

- No, I'm not hanging out
in no titty bars, shit.

I used to cocktail over
at The Boobie Hatch

before an unfortunate
incident I'd rather not

discuss cut short
my career there.

I don't
much care for lesbians.

- Oooh, no ma'am, they scare me.

Some of them is borderline mean.

You know what I always say,

a woman ought to
act like a woman.

A man can act like a
woman if he wants to.

I know what'll
make you feel better.

I heard something
cute as pie yesterday.

If God had a refrigerator,
your picture would be on it.

- Well that did it.

My doom has been lifted.

How did we end up
like this, Odette?

Old, drunk and pitiful.

- I ain't old.

I still have the best years
of my life in front of me.

I got plans.

Shit, I like the
way I winded up.

- I don't, I don't like
the way I started out.

- Look over there.

That new boy, do
you know his name?

- Uh uh, no, ma'am.

No siree, mm-mmm.

Don't you have nothing
to do with that boy.

They call that boy Italian Joe,

and honey he's got a temper.

I was sitting on this
very bar stool one night

when Italian Joe hauled
off and bitch-slapped

this one tired old queen.

Remember that old
queen, used to do drag.

- Phyllis Sophic.

- No! Phyllis is dead.

Sheila Noya.

She, and honey she would...

One time, Italian Joe hauled off

and bitch-slapped Sheila Noya

so hard, honey it
knocked her teeth out.

Woo, bam!

Remember?

They landed clear over
there on the dancing floor

before Sheila
could scramble over

there to get her teeth.

Somebody danced there
and squashed them.

Like a cockroach!

Honey, that queen went off.

She's, "I'm going
to press charges!"

"I'm going to press
charges for assault."

She did.

Honey, she pressed
charges for assault.

They sent poor Italian
Joe up the river.

He come back even meaner.

We cut him a wide pad.

- Thought he looked like

someone I used to know.

That person was so sweet,
he wouldn't hurt a flea.

Hey, how come you know
all these... kinds.

- Long story, long long story.

- Well my ample ass is glued to

this bar stool until
closing, so shoot.

- Well, back in my twenties

when I first started
going out to the bars,

I remember I went out and
bought me an ensemble.

I thought, "Woo, this is it.

"This is the cat's ass, I'm
going to get laid tonight!"

I had on tight black jeans,

black cowboy boots
with big heels,

and a black fringe
leather jacket.

I walk in this this bar down

the street called Moby Dick's.

It ain't there no more.

Odette, I was feeling
so good about myself.

There were two evil queens

laid up against the bar there.

One of them pokes the
other one and says,

"Oh look Mary,
there's one for you!"

Then they bursted out laughing.

- Well that's just so mean.

- I went home, I threw
out that entire outfit

and I started paying for sex.

- You did not!

- I did, and I do.

That way... I can
never be rejected.

It's all about bodies and looks

in this little
gay world of ours.

I mean look at me, Odette.

I'm just a short
weird guy, big ears.

I got hair on my back.

Honey, that's the
gay cardinal sin.

Now you can add old
to my list of sins.

- Well I think you are just

as cute as a bug in a rug

and I want to take you home

and sit you on my bed

with all my other
stuffed animals.

- Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I bet you don't want to fuck me.

- I don't like that word.

- Nobody wants to
love me, Odette.

It's the truth.

It's just the sad, sad truth.

- What is truth?

By Mark Lee Fuller, age 14.

Living a life of contradiction,

getting all my old convictions.

Sometimes I feel
alone and confused,

other times I just feel used.

By a selfish old society

and home grown false piety,

what is wrong,
and what is right,

and is this concept
worth the fight?

There's just too
much complexity.

What happened to simplicity?

What is truth, what is not?

God, do you have the
answers I ain't got?

- You want to know the truth?

- Oh, I guess TJ would be
the one with the answers.

TJ always had the answers.

- Here's the real truth.

- As opposed to the false truth.

- This is the truth.

God's truth.

We all have those feelings.

Everybody, it's
called temptation.

It's the same as the alcoholic

being tempted to drink,

as the kleptomaniac
being tempted to steal.

Pathological liars...
same deal.

Everybody's tempted, okay?

It's our cross to bare.

It's God way of testing us.

Of seeing how strong we are.

How much we really love Him.

You deal, you pray,
you push it away,

you get rid of the feelings.

God can take them away.

I'm living proof.

I'm living my life for the Lord,

leading a normal
life with a woman

the way God intended,

and I am happy.

Yes, I was tempted.

Sure, I gave in to
temptation, but no more.

Because I chose
not to live in sin.

Not to commit unnatural acts

that are an abomination to God!

I asked for forgiveness

and by the grace of
God I am forgiven

and I am happy!

You ever seen a happy queer?

Oh yeah, that's
a... great life.

Ironic too.

They took a good word, gay.

It once meant happy.

Now it means something else.

Something evil, and wrong.

The other day I was
watching the news

and there they were marching
in a gay pride parade

right here in Dallas
out on Cedar Springs.

Guys half dressed
with nipple rings

which I don't get.

Some of theme barely
wearing clothes.

Hugging and kissing
on each other.

This close to having
sex right on the street.

Then of course there
were the drag queens.

Prancing around
like a bunch of ugly

Miss America contestants.

Twirling, throwing
their batons in the air.

I'm sure Benny was
there somewhere.

Dykes on bikes?

Freak show, it
was so disgusting.

Most of them drunk
out of their minds

or hyped up on
dope or something.

Oh yeah, be proud of that!

Be oh so proud!

Better yet... realize
your wicked, evil ways.

Repent, folks.

Because there is one answer.

One way, and His
name is Jesus Christ!

He loves you.

I love you.

That's the truth.

"The truth shall set
you free," John 8:32,

if you ask in prayer,
there is nothing,

nothing He can't do.

- Remember that bumper sticker?

"Have you tried prayer today?"

Do you ever pray
anymore, Walnut?

- What am I going to pray for?

A growth spurt and
less back hair?

No ma'am, I have not
tried prayer lately.

- I have.

Every night, for old times sake

I just, I close my
eyes and I thank God

for yet another day of life

and all my blessings.

- The list must be endless.

- Now I'm going to
start praying for you.

- Well thank you!

I don't think
it'll do much good.

I'm all convoluted when
it comes to prayer.

My Mama messed me up there.

She still does.

She lives in Louisiana now

for which I am deeply grateful.

She called the other day.

She left the following message:

"Preston," that's my real name,

"I got some wonderful news.

"They found a matching
vein in the vein bank,

"and your Uncle
Humpty is not going

"to have to have his
leg amputated after all.

"Bye bye!"

- I've never herd
of a vein bank.

- Well me neither.

But according to
Mama they got one.

Somewhere over near Baton Rouge.

Where Humpty found
his matching vein

to replace the ruined
one that collapsed

due to overeating,
over-drinking and over-smoking.

- When will people learn?

- A couple of days later

I get yet another
message from Mama.

"Preston," that's my real name,

"Humpty has rejected that vein!

"Because it probably come
from somebody colored.

"Or Oriental, or Mexican.

"It was rejected
due to unseen forces

"beyond the Doctor's control."

I tell you, Odette,
with that logic,

my head was about to explode!

I came this close
to calling her back

and saying, "Mama,
you reckon God

"was just fucking
with him when he

"answers a prayer
for the massive

"vein in the first place?"

But I didn't.

I held my tongue.

You know, Odette?

Sometimes I wonder.

Do you think God is up there?

Fucking with us?

Sitting up there on
His golden throne

and just looking down upon us.

He's just fucking with...

- I don't like that word...

- Oh, honey.

Oh, you have another
drink and stop thinking.

- Nurse!

- You're thinking too much.

- I think too much
of life and such.

My mind's confused, my
thoughts abused by me.

Mark Lee Fuller, age 12.

- You writing in your journal?

- Yes, Ma'am.

- What's wrong, little big man?

You look troubled.

- I'm worried about my
teacher, Mrs. Learner.

- Something wrong
with Mrs. Learner?

Does she have cancer?

- No, it's worse.

I found out she's Jewish.

- Well that is worse.

They rejected the Messiah.

The son of God,
their entire people.

So tragic.

So sad.

- Mrs. Learner's just so nice.

She's the best
teacher I ever had.

- Well nice doesn't
get you to Heaven.

Accepting Jesus as
your personal savior

gets you to Heaven.

- So all the Jews are
all going to Hell?

Even the nice ones?

- Well a few Jews
have accepted Jesus.

"Jews for Jesus" they're called.

- But Mrs. Learner
isn't a Jew for Jesus.

She told us about
Passover and Yom Kippur

and Hanukkah and a
bunch of other stuff

they do at their temple,

that's how I found
out she was Jewish.

- One year we
celebrated Hanukkah.

Our entire church did.

You were too little to remember.

It was during our "Win a
Jew to Jesus" Campaign.

We thought we could
lure Jews to the church

if we celebrated some
of their customs.

It was a lot of work
to tell you the truth.

During a very busy time of year,

but oh so much fun!

Everybody got those 'menori'
candles and lit them.

We all gave each other
little gifts, whatnot.

It was a real good way
to kick off Christmas.

- Mrs. Learner's just so nice.

I don't see how, if God is love,

and that if you love
the whole world,

that He could send
Mrs. Learner to Hell.

- Well baby, there are some

things that we
cannot understand.

But someday, when
we're up in Heaven,

singing with the angels,

we can ask Jesus and
God all the questions

we want and we will understand
it better by and by.

You know what?

Mrs. Learner may
accept Jesus yet.

The lord works in
mysterious ways.

He might just speak right to her

and she'll... become a Baptist.

Is this why you haven't
accepted Jesus yourself?

Why you haven't
walked down the aisle

and made your public
profession of faith?

- I guess so.

I also wonder how God
can send Africans to Hell

if they've never heard of Jesus.

Those naked natives
in the Amazon?

I mean, it just
doesn't seem fair that

if you aren't born
in a Christian home

that you would get sent to Hell.

- That's why we have
foreign missionaries.

To spread God's wonderful word,

to everybody in the
whole wide world,

naked natives, Africans...
even the Japanese.

Baby, all these questions mean

that you have reached the
age of accountability.

You're 12 years old now

and I, I am worried.

What if we were in a car wreck

and we both died?

I'd go to Heaven.

You would... you
would go to Hell.

I would never see you again.

All of your friends
have accepted

Jesus Christ as their
personal savior.

Andrew, TJ last week,

even that queer little Benny.

- I know.

- Why don't you make your

profession of faith public

and you and TJ can
be baptized together.

Oh, I'll make a big roast
dinner to celebrate.

With potatoes,
carrots and gravy.

I'll cook it all night
in the crock pot!

That roast will
just so be so tender

just like you like it.

TJ can spend the night.

I mean with him
Motherless and all.

You know his strict old Daddy

won't do anything special.

Let's make it a
special day, baby.

- So if I get
saved and baptized,

TJ can spend the night?

* O happy day,
that fixed my choice

* On Thee, my Savior and my God

- And upon profession
of your faith in Him,

I baptize thee
Thomas James Brooks.

In the name of the
Father and of the Son.

And of the Holy Spirit.

Amen!

* Happy day, happy
day, when Jesus

* washed my sins away

- Upon profession of
your faith in Him,

I baptize thee Mark Lee Fuller.

In the name of the
Father and of the Son

and of The Holy Spirit.

Amen!

* Happy day, happy
day, when Jesus

* washed my sins away

- Well we did it.

- Yeah, we did it; we're saved.

Now if we die we'll
go straight to Heaven.

- Yup, we get to meet Jesus.

- Ask him all those questions.

I've got a real long list too.

But that's a long time away.

I mean I don't want
to die yet, do you?

- No, but you know it
could happen at any time.

Remember when Dwayne Hickey died

of an asthma attack when
we were in Kindergarten?

Do you think he reached
the age of accountability?

- What?

- Nothing.

- Well do you?

- What?

- You know, had he reached

the age of accountability,
he was six,

do you think he's
in Heaven or Hell?

- Who?

- Dwayne Hickey!

He had that asthma attack
in Kindergarten and died.

You think he reached the
age of accountability?

- I don't think he had.

I think God, because he
was Catholic you know...

- I know.

Oh hurry up, they're
going to extend

the right hand of
Preacher fellowship!

- So...

- What?

- I'm glad we got
baptized together.

- Me too.

- Yes, the angels are
rejoicing in Heaven.

With young Mark and
TJ getting washed,

the bud of the lamb,

we're goin' to extend the

right hand of
Christian fellowship

as soon as we get them out here.

Hey, ya'll boys
come on, hurry up!

Now we're going to
adjourn over the annex

for the Coverdish Fellowship.

Rumor has it that Sister
Fuller has blessed us

with another one of
her famous recipes.

What'll it be this week, Sister?

- Shrimp gumbo casserole!

- Yum yum!

- That day is forever
planted in my memory.

First being baptized,
and then those feelings.

That blend of
religious and sexuality

was just almost too much for my

almost teenage
body to deal with.

I was supposed to feel
different... and I did.

But now in hindsight
on that day,

the day of my baptism,

my 12 year old 11
month body and soul...

fell in love for the first time.

* Hallelujah!
Thine the glory.

* Hallelujah! Amen.

* Hallelujah! Thine the glory.

* Revive us again.

Hallelujah!
Thine the glory.

Hallelujah! Amen.

* It's 4 a.m. baby,
you hate your life,

* alone again, just
you and too much time

* If only you would know to

* feel the God in your life.

* It's raining again,
no stars tonight,

* You tell yourself
you need a satellite

* Drive away, drive away,

* Until you shine

* Because you know
it's a crazy world

* and we are still alive.

* Yeah, it's a crazy world

* Don't let it calm down

* Down on it

* You feel his skin,
but it don't feel right

* You try again just
to close your eyes

* I don't even know if

* you are the keeper
of your own life

* Slipping away, now
what's your name?

* Too much broken glass
on your broken cages

* Just pulling
you down in chains

* But hey it's a great big world

- Welcome to the
Devil's playground!

Yes it is!

There are all kinds of rides

Satan wants you to get on.

He wants you to get

on that old
tilt-a-whirl of drugs.

But let me tell you
where you get off,

ol' Satan's going to let you off

in the gutter, in the street.

He's not going to
pick you up either.

He's just going to
leave you there to rot!

- Please God, make it go away!

- But Jesus will.

Then Satan wants you to wander

in that old fun
house of alcohol.

Oh yeah, it might be fun,
drunk out of your mind,

but look out!

That next morning,
when you wake up,

you find yourself let
off in the same gutter

that the dope addict is in!

With a pretty bad headache.

- God, make it go away!

- Then there's that ol'

merry-go-round of sex.

Carnal desires of the flesh.

You'd be wanting to get on

that old sex merry-go-round

again and again and again,

but when you get off,

you just find yourself
empty, sad, and lonely.

Oh yeah, that old
sex merry-go-round

is alluring, folks.

Desires, desires of the flesh.

We all have them!

But only God can take them away!

Oh God!
- Oh God!

- Release us from
the bondages of sin!

Oh Jesus!
- Jesus!

- Keep us away from the
temptations of the flesh.

Amen.

- Stop it!

What are you doing?

- Kissing you.

- Don't do that again.

I mean it, don't ever
try and do that again.

I got to go, my Dad's
going to get home.

- It was a kiss, big deal.

You've done a lot
more than that.

Come on, lay down with me.

We can listen to some music.

- I can't.

Why do you always do that?

Just "cum" and go.

- Shut up Mark,
that's not funny.

- My folks won't be back
for at least another hour,

come on, maybe we
can do it again.

- Stop it, Mark!

- What's your problem?

- I don't like this
feeling, alright?

- Well it seemed
like you liked it,

oh say two minutes ago.

You seemed to have liked
it all summer long.

- Well I don't!

You tried to kiss
me, you tricked me.

- Tricked you?

- Yeah, and I'm not
going to kiss a guy,

it's wrong, Mark.

I don't like this
feeling right now,

and I can't do it anymore.

I just can't.

- You always say that.

- This time I mean it.

It's this pull.

It's the Devil, Mark.

I want to live my
life for Jesus.

- I love you, TJ.

- In Christ. You
love me in Christ.

- No, not in Christ.

I think about you all the time.

It's not just getting
off, it's more.

That's why I kissed you
because... I love you.

- I'm not a fag.

I don't ever want
to be a fag, okay?

I hate this, I just... hate it.

That awful feeling after?

It's wrong.

I want to live my life
for Jesus, I got to go.

- No don't go!

- Let go of me!

Let go of me!

- Come on TJ, please!

Please, please, I
know you feel it too,

you're just scared,
I'm scared too.

- We have to love girls, Mark!

We can't kiss, we
can't love each other,

we just can't love, not
like that, it's wrong.

- How can love be wrong?

- Because God says it is.

That kind is wrong, it
says so in the bible.

- Well then I think
that God's wrong.

- Shut up!

- Because I know how I feel --

- Shut up, just
shut up, it's Satan!

It's the Demon, he's making
us have these feelings.

- I know I can't help
it, and I love you,

- It's over, it's over,
that's it, it's over!

Stay away from me!

- Okay!

Okay...

We'll just be friends.

We won't do it anymore.

We'll just be friends, okay?

- I can't.

I'm sorry, but I can't
be around you anymore.

I don't want to be
one of them, Mark.

I want to live my
life for Jesus.

- TJ, no, please --

- Stay away from me, you faggot!

- TJ!

- TJ!

- Oh my God... oh my God!

* You don't
know where love went,

* oh but nothing's making sense

* You both know you
can't fake it anymore

* Don't look back;
don't break your will

* Don't look back at him until

* You're far enough to
let your feelings show

* Don't look back
into those eyes

* You've gone back so many times

* It's over now, you've
got to let him go

* There's a time for
everything including leaving

* There's a time the
heart admits defeat

*And starts its grieving

*So don't look back;
don't break your will

* Don't look back at him until

*You're far enough to
let your feelings show

* Don't look back
into those eyes

* You've gone back so many times

* It's over now, you've
got to let him go

* It's over now, you've
got to let him go

* Let him go.

- Help me.

* Sing the
wondrous love of Jesus,

* Sing His mercy and His grace

* In the mansions
bright and blessed

* He'll prepare for us a place.

* When we all get to Heaven,

* What a day of
rejoicing that will be

* When we all see Jesus

* We'll sing and
shout the victory*

- Oh yes, what a day of
rejoicing that will be.

- Here we go again!

- I hope you all are
going to join me up there.

- I'd love to, but I've
heard I'm not welcomed.

- Because I'm on my way!

I'm bound for glory.

- Well good for you.

- To be with my Lord
and savior for eternity.

- Amen.

- Now can you imagine
seeing the face of Jesus.

- No I can't, never was able to.

- I've got my ticket, folks.

- Okay, I've heard this before.

- "If a man also
lie with mankind

"as he lies with a woman,

"both have committed
an abomination.

"They shall surely
be put to death,

their blood shall be upon them."

Leviticus 20:13.

- Same chapter, 18th verse.

"If a man shall lie with a
woman, having her sickness,

"and shall uncover
her nakedness,

"he hath discovered
her fountain,

"and she hath uncovered
the fountain of her blood,

"and both of them shall be cut

"off from among their people."

Ewww!

That one makes me glad I'm gay.

So... extreme adolescence
kicked in for all of us.

Desires of the flesh.

Pains of the heart.

Mixed with
fundamentalist doctrine,

fucked with us all
in various ways.

Inside, I started
questioning big time.

Questioning God,
questioning my parents,

questioning everything, trying
to make sense of it all.

None of it did.

When did it start?

When did I realize--

- I remember when it started.

I mean when it really started,

when I knew I was in trouble.

- I know the exact moment

I knew I was different,
that I wasn't

made of nails and snails
and puppy dog tails.

- Sure, I remember
when I first realized

that I was sometimes
somewhat attracted to guys.

- I had discovered...
masturbation.

See my Mom had bought me
"No Strings Attached."

N'Sync's amazing CD.

I realized that when I...
did that, masturbate,

that I was thinking
about, well, Lance Bass.

And JC Chasez... and Justin.

I tried to stop doing that
while thinking of them.

I even tried switching from

Justin over to Britney
once, but... I lost focus.

Got up and put on her genius

"Oops, I did it again," CD
and I just started dancing.

Now I've... done some
things... with guys.

Gone to places I shouldn't have.

I tried to stop.

I prayed, but... I guess,

well, I'm still not
praying hard enough.

I read this book
for English class

called "Of Human Bondage."

By W. Somerset Maugham.

There was this part that I
couldn't get off of my mind.

There's this kid, Phillip Carey,

who had a club foot.

He heard his uncle the Vicar,

like a Preacher or Priest,

preach a sermon
about this scripture,

"All things whatsoever,
ye shall ask in prayer

"believing ye shall
receive," Matthew 21:22.

Phillip Carey decided
that he was going to pray

every day for God to
heal his club foot,

make it whole, normal,
and he set a date

that on a certain date
he would be healed.

He prayed so hard.

But on that date he
woke up, all excited,

reached down and... he
still had the club foot.

He stopped believing.

I got scared when I read that

because I could relate.

That that part of me,
that thing inside of me,

that won't go away was like

Phillip Carey's club foot.

And it's all bullshit
and no matter

how hard I'd pray God
would never take it away.

But then I thought
no, that's fiction.

This is reality.

Like our Preacher would say,

"God tests us and
makes us stronger,"

so I kept praying.

Praying harder for
God to take it away.

But sometimes, at night,
right before I go to sleep,

my mind wanders and...
this man is in my bed.

Holding me... tight.

We don't have sex, and
it's not about sex.

But he kisses me, sweetly.

He whispers in my ear,

"You're okay, Andrew.
Just as you are.

"I'll take care of you."

I start to fall asleep finally
feeling safe in his arms.

But then all of a
sudden I bolt up

and realized where I am.

Who I am, and what
I am, and that

I'm really all alone.

So alone.

I get really scared

that it'll never go away.

Like Phillip Carey's club foot.

I start crying and
praying, "God, please!

"Please take it away!"

It takes me forever
to fall back asleep.

- Well I guess I can
tell my story now!

Because you've grown
to love me and all.

I mean darlings,
what's not to love?

But straights be warned,

my little tale of
debauchery's a little graphic,

so... take a deep
breath because my tale

of teenage hormones run
a muck is forthcoming.

It all happened after RAs,

Royal Ambassadors for Christ.

This was our meet group.

Like a Christian Boy Scouts,

camp outs and rope tying

laced with a good
dose of the bible.

Not my cup of tea.

One of our leaders even taught

us to tie a hangman's noose.

Very bent, very scary.

Anyway, my trashy grandmother

was supposed to pick me up

and give TJ a ride home,

and she was late again.

Probably fell asleep drinking

Thunderbird out of the bottle

while watching Jerry
Springer on the TV.

She wonders, "What
did I do wrong

"that all my kids
ended up in prison?"

Oooh, don't get
sidetracked on that!

Anyway, everybody else had left

and me and TJ were
playing out back

some kind of tag
game or something,

I can't remember.

What I do remember is
that TJ had caught me

and wrestled me to the ground

and we started rolling around.

Well I started
getting a hard on.

While TJ was holding
my hands to the ground,

his face above mine,

and I could feel that
rock hard pre-teen dick

pressed against mine.

I got one of my hands
loose, reached down,

and slid it between our jeans.

I started rubbing!

It just seemed like the
right thing to do, okay?

He looked at me in horror.

Then he cam -- Bam,
just like that!

I felt the explosion
through his jeans

and suddenly my hand was wet.

I vaulted up, it scared
the shit out of me.

TJ freaked out, said,
"Get off of me!"

Pushed me, and at
that very moment...

My drunk Grandma.

Sitting in her ten
year old Delta '88

in front of the church.

TJ scrambled, "Oh shit!"

Pulled his shirt tail out
to cover the cum stain,

we ran to the front
of the church,

got in my Grandmother's car,

she waved off.

We never said a word about it.

To this day... just acting
like it never happened!

Just like good sinners often do.

But that day, I
embraced who I was.

I landed.

You know what's frightening?

It still lingers.

Creeps up on you
every now and then

and scares the shit out of you!

I don't know, being raised
Southern Baptist...

it's like some
chromosome or something.

Engrained, part of my
fabric, part of my makeup.

But let me tell you a
little secret, dumplings.

Sometimes when I'm
in a deep sleep

and a plane flies overhead,
or thunder sounds,

any loud noise at all, the
sound barrier is broken,

I bolt up thinking
it's the Rapture.

That Jesus Christ Himself is

bursting through the clouds.

I'm scared out of my wits.

Knowing I will be left behind.

I'm sitting there up in bed,

my heart is beating
a mile a minute,

I'm hyperventilating, tears
streaming down my face.

For one split second,
before reality hits,

I think I'm a goner.

Left behind all
the other sinners

to burn in that lake
of fire for eternity

where there shall be weeping
and gnashing of teeth.

I wonder... how God
could be so unfair.

- It was with Benny, after RAs,

but unlike the
others I knew it was

carnal urges of the flesh.

I mean at that young age

with your body changing
and your young hormones

raging, you could
brush up against

a doorknob and fall in love.

If it had been a girl
I was wrestling with,

in theory... same thing would

have happened I'm sure.

Benny? Please.

Not the kind of guy
I'm attracted --

I mean would be attracted to.

You know what I mean.

I went home, took
those jeans off

and washed them out in the sink

with Joy dish washing detergent.

I scrubbed and scrubbed
to get that stain out.

"Spit and polish," that's
what my Daddy always said.

Then I got in the shower
and scrubbed myself

like there was no tomorrow.

I was red all over
from scrubbing.

I felt so dirty.

But in the shower,
I started praying

for forgiveness and
suddenly a miracle happened.

My young soul felt clean again.

It was weird.

I washed my physical body,

and my soul was washed
by the blood of the lamb.

It was like God let that happen

so I could realize
his omnipotence

and I knew that if I
ever was tempted again,

I could handle it.

Sure, there was that
period with Mark.

I have to admit, I
just... lost my head.

That emotional connection
that happens with friends,

especially at that
age when you're

in such a transitional
state from boy to man.

I miss the friendship.

But since him, I have
never strayed, not once.

That day when I told
him it was over,

I walked away and I
never looked back!

Jesus took away those urges.

I did my part too.

I worked on my walk.

Tape recorded my
voice over and over

until I eliminated any
trace, any sound of sissy,

from my being.

I worked with the Lord.

The Great Physician,
The Great Teacher,

and He healed my
simple soul, He did.

Yes, He did; praise the Lord!

"Be not deceived.

"Neither fornicators,
nor idolators,

"nor adulterers nor effeminate,

"shall inherit the
Kingdom of God."

First Corinthians 6:9 and 10.

New Testament.

God's word.

God's truth speaking
right through me.

Thank you, Lord.

Thank you, Jesus.

I've been redeemed.

Redeemed by the
blood of the lamb.

Amen.

- My Mama always taught
me to love my Daddy.

Love my Mama, to love Elvis,

and most of all to love Jesus.

I think I embraced her teaching

with a little too much fervor.

See, I have a
confession to make.

The day I really
knew I was in trouble

was when I realized that I
had a crush... on Jesus.

And Elvis.

The King of the Jews and
The King of Rock & Roll.

All my boyfriends have
looked a lot like Jesus.

Or Elvis, or a nice
combination of the two.

I always thought Elvis
could have played Jesus

in one of those biblical movies.

If he had been a good actor.

Or maybe Jesus Christ Superstar

because then all he'd
have to do is sing.

Although I think he was
all boozed and doped up

by then and had gotten fat.

We cannot have a fat Jesus.

We got to have a lean,
hard bodied Jesus

like the one I had a crush on.

The one on the cross
in that picture

wearing nothing but a loincloth

and a crown of thorns.

He had a swimmer's build.

I mean come on!

Jesus was hot!

I know, I know, blasphemous,
I'll burn in Hell now.

What else is new?

There was just something
about that picture.

It was much more than
just the physical,

it was the...
agony on his face.

The pain.

All my boyfriends have
been in agony or pain

or a combination of the two.

I'm so fucking co-dependent,

when I die, someone else's life

is going to flash
before my eyes.

If someone asks me,
"What's your type?"

I just say, "Needy, fucked up,

"sometimes unemployed,
most of the time

"with no car or a place to live,

"but always really really cute.

"A young combination
of Elvis and Jesus."

What's that about?

I mean, here I've spent my life

working on myself, and
defending to the world

who I am after the
Baptists fucked me up.

Oops, correction,
after I "allowed"

the Baptists to fuck me up.

See, I've had a
little therapy too.

Sometimes, sometimes
I think Benny's right.

Just live your life,
let them live their's,

and shut the fuck up!

But I can't.

Because as hard as I
try, as much as I do,

the self hatred, that feeling
instilled in me of being...

Less than.

I can't even be attracted
to someone complete.

Because deep down, and I know

in my head that it's wrong,

but deep down... I
guess I don't really

believe that I
deserve anyone better.

Mama taught me to
love Daddy and her,

and Elvis... and Jesus.

But she forgot to teach
me to love myself.

* Savior, savior,
hear my humble cry

* While on others
Thou art calling,

* Do not pass me by.

* You take one down,

* pass it around,

*no more bottles of
beer on the wall*

- Hoo wee, that was fun!

That's a lot of verses.

Well we
cleared the place.

- We sure did.

I've been thinking.

- Woo, that could be dangerous.

About what?

- Maybe I could have made
something out of my life.

Being somebody.

- Besides a barfly?

- Oh hush!

You know, like a
nurse, or a Doctor,

or a dental hygienist.

- I see.

- Something besides
a 911 Operator.

- You work for 911?

Lord help us all.

When do you work?

You're always here drunk.

- Worked. Worked, past tense.

There was an
unfortunate incident

I'd rather not discuss,
cut short my career there.

Had to do with me being
fed up with customers.

- "Odette was not playing
well with others."

That's all you're going to get.

How is Humpty's leg?

- Which one?

You are so funny.

Gays are so witty.

You smell good too.

- Why thank you.

It's my new scent.

It's called "Come to Me."

Does it smell like cum to you?

- Trash mouth!

You know, I bet if you'd've
put your mind to it

you could have done some

of that stand up
comedian-ing-ing.

Look there.

Do you know that boy,

the one that's twitching?

- Uh uh, no, ma'am.

No no, no siree, uh uh.

Don't you have nothing
to do with that boy.

They call that boy Booyah.

- Booyah?

- It mean rock in Africa.

It means he's addicted
to the rock cocaine.

When Booyah gets to
sucking on that crack pipe,

there's not telling
what'll happen.

I was sitting on this
very bar stool one night

when Booyah started
slapping at hisself.

Honey, he thought there

was bugs crawling on him.

Paul from behind the bar

grabbed a can of Raid.

Gave him a good squirt.

It seems to calm him down.

We avoid Booyah at all costs.

I suggest that you do the same.

- Well, in these shadows,

I thought... guess not.

I've grown so fond of you.

These last few weeks.

- Well thank you.

I think you're real special too.

- Well thank you.

That means so much.

Oh, hey, fermented
cheese sandwich?

I made it myself.

Now the secret to
good fermented cheese

is a little paprika.

- Well thank you.

Don't mind if I do.

Yeah, Mama's made at
me because I ain't

sent my Uncle Humpty
a get well card.

She always starts in
on with me by saying,

"Soooon..."

She draws out the
word, "Soooon..."

as if she's in deep pain.

I can always tell she's
upset with something

I have or have not done by

the way she draws out
the word "sooooon..."

She says, "Soooon...
it would not hurt you

"pick up a pen, write
your one legged Uncle

"a get well card."

- She did not say that.

- She did too.

I said, "Mama, I've been busy."

She says, "Oh son, are you
at least praying for him?"

I said, "Mama, is
he still smoking?"

She said, "Yeah, I believe so."

I said, "Well I'm
not going to pray

"for him until he stops."

God helps those that
helps themselves.

That's what I subscribe to.

- Amen, I'll drink to that.

- Well so shall I!

Odette, my while
family is just trash.

I'm the only one
that rose above.

- I can relate.

I like white trash.

When I was a young woman,

about 25, I had to move
back in with my Mama

and my baby brother
over in Genton

on Truid Street.

Not the best section of town.

Because of the fact that my
first marriage fell apart

over an unfortunate incident

I'd rather not
discuss right now.

I was trying to get back
on the straight and narrow

because along with
the failed marriage

I had manifested a little
drinking problem back then.

- Back then?

- Anyway, we were surrounded
by trashy neighbors.

Trash, trash, trash,
trash everywhere!

They're most good
people, but trash.

Next door were the Henkles

who had four goats and more kids

than anybody that
wasn't Catholic

that I have ever known.

Farm animals and naked kids

running around in
the front yard,

just so trashy, don't you think?

- I agree.

I agree wholeheartedly.

- Well they had one little

dough-headed kid named Kyle.

Used to write his
name by tee-teeing

on the side of my house.

I wonder what penitentiary
he's in today.

Sometimes if he ran out pee,

he only wrote K-Y or K-Y-L,

he'd get all frustrated,
throw a big temper tantrum.

I remember calming him down once

and I said, "Kyle, you have
got to drink more water.

"You save the writing for
when you really got to go."

- That's good advice.

That's very sound.

- God knows why I
supported such behavior,

but it seemed to
be the only thing

that gave that child a
sense of accomplishment.

That is very important
for self esteem, you know?

- God, there are twists
and turns to your stories.

- Twists and turns, Peanut.

That's my life.

You have no idea, Peanut.

You have no earthly idea.

- Well you've inspired
me to go tee-tee.

I got to shake the
dew off my lily pad.

- Don't you write
your name on the wall.

Buddy!

Oh, Buddy...

- There's a rage deep inside me

that burns into my soul.

There's a hate that
rush through me,

I can't seem to control.

Mark Lee Fuller, today.

Where do I put this fire?

Where do I put this burning,

raging fire of
anger inside of me?

Who the fuck do I lash out at?

I need to lash out, I
need to blame someone.

- Oh, Mark has a column now!

"Who the fuck do I lash out at?

"Mother, Preacher, God,

"I need to lash out.

"I need to blame someone."

Very angry, very hostile.

That boy will die trying
to change the world,

bless his precious little heart.

You know, I've
been doing a little

thinking myself lately.

Perhaps... perhaps the world

is exactly the way it should be.

Perhaps we're all right.

The fags, the
Baptists, the Muslims,

the Jews, the Buddhists.

The... Republicans.

Could it be that this
life, this existence

is like a beautiful
stain glassed window?

Our beliefs, their beliefs,
everybody's beliefs,

our makeup, our skin color,
our sexual orientation,

is right.

That God is the
light that shines

through that stain
glassed window.

All the colors, all the beauty.

Is created because
of our differences.

- Oh please!

What about Matthew Shepard?

What about Andrew?

Were they part of some beautiful

stain glassed God
backlight window,

yeah that makes perfect sense!

What a fucking crock of shit!

- Well think about it!

It makes sense.

Even if it doesn't, it
gets me through life.

I'm happy!

I'm very, very happy.

- You're not fucking happy!

You just hide out in a club

under makeup and
dresses and songs.

You don't know who
the fuck you are

because you're always pretending

to be someone else!

At least I'm trying
to figure this out.

At least I'm striving for
honest, real happiness

in a real world, and
I'm not fucking happy,

but I'm not living
behind some fucking

drag queen facade either!

Okay, I've got issues.

I've fucking got issues.

Lashing out at Benny, the
sweetest guy in the world.

That is not who I
should lash out at.

I do hope he's happy.

Where do I put this fire?

Where do I put this burning
raging fire inside of me?

In my work?

In this endless research
I'm obsessed with?

Or my column that I can only get

published in The Pink
Triangle, please.

That's preaching to the choir.

He's right.

I do want to change
the world, I do.

But I want to stop
feeling this hate.

It doesn't feel
good to hate back.

Where do I put this hate?

Sometimes I close my eyes

and create a perfect world.

A world of acceptance and
understanding and love.

A world where people change,

a world where all are accepted.

- Welcome back to
Calgary Baptist, TJ.

- But I always wake up.

* So I'll cherish
the old rugged cross,

* Till my trophies
at last I lay down;

* I will cling to
the old rugged cross,

* And exchange it
some day for a crown.*

- Well I see we have some

once, maybe twice a year
Christians here today.

You darken our door on

Easter and around Christmas.

You think that's enough to

keep your reservation in Heaven!

Well I'm going to
tell you the truth,

and I'm not going to
sugarcoat it either

because God is speaking
through me here today.

- Praise God.

- Now you can have
a part time job.

You can have a part time hobby,

but you cannot have
a part time religion.

You cannot be a
part time Christian.

- Amen.

- Can't mix the
carnal, secular life

with the spiritual life.

You can't worship Jesus,
celebrate his resurrection,

and then make the Easter
Bunny more important.

All these pagan rituals
tick me off, they really do.

There is no Easter Bunny

running around cross country!

There are no eggs hidden behind

these feet on the cross.

There was no chocolate covered

bunnies hidden in the tomb!

Mary Magdalene...

You know, Mary
Magdalene did not have

an Easter Egg color
party for the disciples

on the night before
Christ arose!

Let me tell you something else.

There was no elf in the
manger with baby Jesus!

- Amen.

- There was no
reindeer mingling with

the cows and the donkeys!

Santa Claus did not leave
gifts for our savior

and put them underneath
the Christmas tree.

You cannot mix it
all up, my brethren.

It just does not work like that!

Don't get me started
on Halloween!

- I won't!

Okay, church is over,
go on Preacher, get out!

You too, Mothers.

All of you, Brother
Chappy, get out!

I've had it!

Last time we talked.

Easter Sunday, Spring Break,

our Freshman year at college.

I turned around and
his military Dad

and his big haired Baylor girl

were headed out the door.

He lingered.

On purpose I'm convinced.

I turn back and our eyes met.

- Hey, Mark.

- Hey.

- So... how's it going?

- She's pretty.

- Thanks.

- For a girl.

- Don't.

- You're prettier.

- Obviously we still can't

have a real conversation.

- Obviously you've lost
your sense of humor

along with all those horrible
carnal male-male urges.

- Goodbye, Mark.

- Okay, I'm sorry, I'll stop.

Let's... go for that real
conversation we never had.

- Real?

- Yeah.

Real.

Let's go to the old
RA room, more private.

Or don't you trust yourself?

- Honey, I'll be right there!

- Sweet.

You never called me honey.

- Stop.

- So...

- So.

- How's Baylor?

- It's great.

I majored in region,
emphasize in New Testament,

going to do some
church work and --

- That's great, groovy,
awesome, good luck with that.

I was thinking all during
the service about you.

About us.

- Don't do this.

- Just let me finish!

I was thinking, I'm the only

true friend you ever had, TJ.

- What are you talking about?

- True friendship.

Isn't that about unconditional
love, no pretenses?

Then, back then that Summer,

you were able to be who
you really are with me.

There was never any judgment,

not from me there wasn't.

You'll never have
that again, TJ.

- I wasn't myself
back then, Mark.

I am myself now.

This is the real me.

- Well "Cybil", we
all have to believe

what we have to believe.

- The bible is very clear, Mark.

Leviticus 20:13,
"If a man also --"

- Yeah, and the
same book also says

to buy slaves from the
nations around you!

- Give me my bible!

- But no Baptist I know of

has purchased a good
strong Mexican worker

or a strapping Canadian lately.

Hell, Deuteronomy says
rebellious children

shall be stoned at
the gates of the city!

- You can justify anything,

but it doesn't make it right!

- Exactly!

You can't argue with me because

I know everything
you know and more!

- You are so righteous
in your unrighteousness.

- I'm leaving the church, TJ.

- Leaving?

- Yup.

Walking right out
that door today

and never coming back.

Never going to step foot
in a Baptist Church again.

- Yeah, I'm going to miss it.

The music, the hymns,
the sweet old ladies.

The religious fellowships.

That feeling I get right here.

So many good people, so
many good intentions.

How do you embrace something

that doesn't embrace you, TJ?

How?

How do you stop the hate,

that is spewed in
the name of the Lord?

- You are so lost, Mark.

- Me?

Well yeah, to a
degree, maybe I am.

But someone has to fight for me.

It is my desire
to find me, okay?

So I'm going on a
quest, a journey.

I'm going to start
by telling the truth.

It's Easter, TJ.

Resurrection.

Rebirth, a new beginning.

The bible says the truth

shall set you free!
- Shall set you free.

- Well I'm going to be free,

and I'm not going to be a liar
anymore like some people.

- I am not a liar!

- You're a fraud, TJ!

A big fat liar!

So was I, but no more.

You go ahead and you
live your "normal" life

with little Miss Precious --

- Sally!

- Which will never be normal.
- Her name is Sally!

- Sally? Her name is Sally?

Of course it is, how perfect!

- You're a jerk!

- You're pathetic!

- You may be a fag, but I'm not!

It was what it was, sin,

so you listen to me and
you listen to me good,

I never loved you, Mark.

Not like that, I
never ever loved you!

- Goodbye, TJ.

Have a real good life.

I'm sure you'll be
extremely happy.

- I am happy!

You're just jealous
because I'm happy.

- Old Testament TJ,
the books of Samuel.

"The soul of Jonathan was
knit with the soul of David,

"and Jonathan loved
him as his own soul."

Thy love to me was wonderful.

Passing the love of women.

I bet she'll never love
you as hard as I did.

- Sister, are you okay?

- Yes, just a little
troubled today.

My heart is heavy.

That was a real good
sermon, Preacher.

You made a real good point

about the Easter
Bunny and Santa Claus.

- Well give God the glory,

He spoke right through me.

Why is your heart heavy?

- Oh, well I need to talk to you

about something in confidence.

- Brother Chaffy.

Could you give us a minute?

- Of course.

- I'm so worried
about my boy Andrew,

there is just
something not right.

- What seems to be the problem?

- Well... this is
just so embarrassing,

but, well, my boy Andrew,

he just doesn't seem to
be interested in girls.

- Maybe that's because he's

interested in the Lord.

- No, that's not it.

Ever since he started
Junior College,

I have to threaten him
within an inch of his life

to get him to darken
the doors of the church.

- I noticed he'd been
missing church lately,

but you know that sometimes
happens at his age.

He'll come back to the fold.

Remember, train up a child...

- and his interests seem
to be, well, sissified.

- Sissified?

- Yes, sissified.

- Sissified how so?

- Well, there was an incident.

Something's happened.

My boy, well, I think...
I think he does things

that normal boys his
age just don't do.

It all started
when I noticed that

all of my mail order
catalogs were missing,

the Sears, the JC
Pennys, you know.

- You think your boy took them?

- I know he took them.

I found them in his room

with all the pages of
the men's underwear

section dog-eared.

- Oh my.

- See, I was cleaning up,

not snooping like he says I do,

and I saw a trail of ants

and I went and
got a can of Raid,

and I followed the ants

and they seemed to be nesting

inside the dresser somewhere

so I pulled out the drawers

and there laying
under the drawers

was my Sears catalog
and my JC Penny catalog

and... well, some other stuff.

- What other stuff?

- A Playgirl magazine,
a bottle of baby oil,

and some stuck
together hand towels

and that is where the
ants were coming from!

- My oh my.

What did you do?

- Well I put everything back.

That was only two days ago.

I can't even look
him in the eyes now.

I just don't want him
to be one of... them.

I couldn't stand it.

Andrew is all I have left.

I want grandchildren,
what am I going to do?

- Well you need to get
into his hiding place,

take out his stuff and
then put it on his bed.

Leave him a note.

That says, "We need to talk."

- Oh Lord, this is
going to be awkward.

- You have to do this.

- I know, okay, okay.

- Let's take this to
our heavenly Father.

- Yes.

- I think we better
kneel on this one.

Dear heavenly Father,

thank you for all
you've given us.

- Yes, Lord.

- Thank you for our
wonderful children.

- Yes, Lord.

- Thank you for Andrew.

- Yes, Lord.

- Oh Lord, we pray that Andrew

stop his sissified behavior.

- Yes, Lord!

- "Train up a child on
the way he should go,

"and when he is old he
will not depart from it."

* Woah... there's
something on my mind.

* Won't somebody please, please

* tell me what's wrong?

- I'll tell you what's
wrong; you're white!

* What you say?

* Hey hey hey hey heeeeeey

* Yeeeeah!

* One more time

* Tell me about it

* Listen, he's got me smiling

* when I should be ashamed

* Got me laughin' when
my heart is in pain

* Oh no, I must be a fool

* Cause I do anything
you ask me to

* Tell me one more time

* Oooooh yeeeeah

* One more time

* Now listen, without my
man I don't want to live

* You think I'm lying but
I'm telling you like it is

* He's got my nose
open and that's no lie

* And I, I'm gonna
keep him satisfied

* Tell me one more time

* Oooooh my God

* Tell me how come

* One more time

* Tell me

* Tell me one more time

* Hey yeah yeah yeah yeeeeeah

* Tell me one more time

- You see that boy?

That beautiful boy over there.

- The one that's making
out with my stripper?

- Oh, he looks just like Buddy.

- Buddy? Who's Buddy?

- My baby brother.

He was... troubled.

- Oh honey, aren't we all?

- I lied to you, Peanut.

- Lied to me? About what?

Honey, what's the matter?

- I've grown to like you so much

these past few weeks.

You're my best friend now.

I can't do this anymore.

I can't keep up this facade.

I'm not who you see here.

I'm not nearly as
together as you think.

- Stop it.

Honey please, don't cry.

I just hate it when people cry.

- I want to tell you
why I really come here.

The truth, confession time.

Time to testify.

- Okay.

- I come here because
of my brother.

I come trying to find Buddy.

I told him not to tell anyone.

Just to keep it to
himself and he'll be okay.

I told him we
would pray about it

that we'd pray about it,

that we'd pray it away

because, "I can do all things

"that Christ would
strengthen with me."

Philippians 4:13.

Mama and me took him
to a a revival meeting

over in Ponder.

That was that same
time we was all

living on Truid Street
right by trash goats,

and he rededicated
his life to the Lord.

He walked down that aisle again,

said he wanted to repent.

Live his life through Jesus.

We was so happy.

The three of us back in church

living our lives for Jesus.

But two weeks later,
Buddy come home

around 3 or 4 in the morning

smelling like bourbon
and cigarettes.

I was so mad!

I knew where he'd been.

One of these places
that I didn't want

my baby brother
to be one of them.

It got so ugly.

He was crying and saying

he had tried and he
couldn't help it.

I said that I'd stop drinking.

If I could do that,
he could stop too.

And if he didn't stop,

that God was going to send

him to burn in Hell

with the murderers
and the adulterers

and thieves and drunkards

and I didn't want his
kind under my roof!

Well... he stopped
screaming, crying.

He just looked up at me
with huge, betrayed eyes.

He walked out that
door on Truid Street.

He didn't take one
item of his belongings.

Buddy never came back.

My spirit is crippled, broken.

Now I'm thinking
maybe you was right.

Maybe God is sitting up there

on his golden throne
just fucking with us!

That beautiful boy, he
looked just like Buddy.

But I know in my
heart it's not him.

He's too young to be Buddy.

He'd be Buddy back then.

None of... none
of them are Buddy!

- Honey, they're all Buddy.

All these young, troubled
boys in these clubs.

They're all Buddy.

Every last one of them.

- Oh, Peanut.

I got to be...
I got to move on.

It was nice knowing you, Peanut.

- Houston, did they
give last call?

- Yup, afraid so, Peanut.

- Well they need a new system.

I didn't get my order in.

Well shit.

Nighty night.

Excuse me, what's your name?

- No, I'm not a hustler, sorry.

- I'm not looking for a hustler.

At least not tonight.

What's your name?

- Andrew.

- Andrew.

I want you to look
at me, Andrew.

That's right, take it all in.

Don't become me, Andrew.

Don't live your life in shame.

Don't hide your
light under a bushel

in these clubs behind
a glass of booze.

You are worthy of so much more.

Go home.

Take a good look at
yourself in the mirror

and somehow... learn
to love what you see.

Andrew.

- Sir?

Thank you.

- You're very welcome.

- I can only imagine what
happened that fateful night.

Andrew Thomas Ford

left us four around 2 a.m.

His Mother didn't
hear him come in,

but he did because
he changed clothes.

The magazines in a stash were

still on the bed.

But his Mother's note
was found in his pocket.

I wish I had been
the me I am today.

I wish I had been a good friend.

Why didn't you call me?

I can only imagine
what happened next.

- Why can't you love me too?

What's wrong with me?

Why can't you love me?

What did I do so wrong?

You won't love me.

Why hast thou forsaken me?!

Oh God, oh God she knows!

Where art you?!

Why don't you listen to me?

Oh God, Phillip
Carey's club foot!

You didn't take it away!

God, please!

Please love me!

- No!

Andrew?

- Why can't you love me too?

- Andrew?

Andrew?!

- Andrew! Andrew!

* And the joy we
share as we tarry there

* None other has ever known.

- We're gathered here today

to say farewell to
Andrew Thomas Ford.

These aren't easy times.

These are times when
we don't understand

and we ask the same question why

again and again and again.

A young troubled life is lost.

Why?

Well that is not
for us to figure out

because you cannot
question the will of God!

- Why not?

- Because God's will is perfect,

divine, unquestionable.

Andrew was in
trouble, in crisis,

but did he reach out for help?

No, he never came
to me and said,

"I have a problem, Preacher.

"Help me with these carnal
desires of the flesh,

"show me the way."

Did he speak to his
good Christian Mother

about such things?

I'm so sorry.

No! He tried to hide them!

You cannot hide from God!

He let old Satan draw him
over to the dark side,

and he got him on
the merry-go-round

of sin and we lost Andrew.

That just breaks my heart.

A young life snuffed out because

he would not turn to God!

- No! No, stop!

- If he had turned to God he wouldn't have taken the easy way out.

- How can you say that?

You don't know that!

- Let's take Andrew's death

as an inspiration
in our own life.

- You didn't even know Andrew!

- Let's look within.

Don't let Satan win the
battle of your own lives!

Let's pray and find the answers

there are there for us
because they're in this book

if only you believed.

- It's all a lie,
it's a crock of shit!

- I can do all things
through Christ almighty.

- The message is love, not hate!

You're missing the message!

- That's what this book says!

Don't let Satan win the
battle over your own life.

- Shut up!

- He took Andrew, folks.
- Shut up!

- That makes me mad at Satan.

- Shut the fuck up!

Sometimes I close my eyes,

sometimes I close my eyes,

sometimes... sometimes...

sometimes...

Sometimes I close my eyes

and create a perfect world.

A world of acceptance and
understanding and love.

A world where there is hope.

Even if the hope
is just a whisper.

I hear it.

* Soft as
the voice of an angel.

* Breathing a lesson unheard,

* Hope with a gentle persuasion

* Whispers her comforting word

I dream that one day
I'll open my eyes

and that world will
still be there.

- Mark.

I woke up in his arms, Mark.

When I woke up this
time, He was still there.

That man in my bed?

He was still there holding me.

It was God.

He kept trying to tell me,

but I couldn't
understand down here,

not with all the clutter.

"You're okay, Andrew.

"Just as you are.

"I'll take care of you."

God does love me, Mark.

Listen to me, Mark.

God loves you.

The real God.

Listen.

* Wait till the
darkness is over,

- Listen.

- For the hope.

* Hope for the
sunshine tomorrow,

* After the shower is gone.

- A world where the lonely
are no longer lonely.

Where everyone is welcome.

* Whispering hope, oh
how welcome thy voice,

* Making my heart in
its sorrow rejoice.

- A world where sermons
preach about truth.

About love and hope.

- Dear friends, let
us love one another.

For love comes from God.

Everyone who loves has been

born of God and knows God.

Whoever does not love

does not know God.

Because God is love.
- God is love.

- First John 4:7 and 8.

- A world where
Mothers and Fathers

accept, embrace and love every

single part of their children.

* Will not the
deepening darkness

* Brighten the glimmering star?

- A world where I can
love and he can love.

* Then when the
night is upon us,

* Why should the
heart sink away?

* When the dark
midnight is over,

- I love you.

- I love you.

* Whispering hope, oh
how welcome thy voice,

* Making my heart in
its sorrow rejoice.*

- But I always wake up.

But now... with hope!