All language subtitles for Schitts.Creek.S01E11.WEB-DL.NF.en

(JOHNNY READING)

MOIRA: Ahhh!

-Fuck me. Fuck me.
-What?

-Fuck me!
-What?

-John, there's something
in the bed!
-What?

Something crawled up my leg
and I can't see it!

-What?
-I can't see it!

-A spider?
-No! Something invisible

like lice or scabies
or bed bugs!

-Oh, we don't have bed bugs.
-(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

Oh, John, I can't afford
to burn all my clothes.

-Oh, Moira, relax.
-(WHIMPERS)

Just relax. If we had lice,
I'd have lice.

Guess who?

Dee Dee!

-Hi, Momo.
-What the hell?

I'm sorry.
I know I should've called,
but, um,

I just thought
it'd be really fun
to come see my older sister

in her new digs.

You know, a little visit.
(CHUCKLES)

Oh. Um...

Do you really have lice?
I'd hate to contract

lice.

So, Dee Dee, you are, uh,

looking well.

Seaweed facials.
I get one every week.

But enough about me,
I wanna talk about you guys.

(MUFFLED) Oh.

I want you to know

that I really wanted

to come and visit you

when I heard
about your life collapsing,

but I got this really big
job promotion that week

and things got, you know,
kind of crazy.

Plus, we haven't really seen
much of each other recently.

Yes, well, we've had
kind of a hectic year.

Well, thank goodness
for the Internet.

Seemed to be the only thing
letting me know you two
were still alive.

MOIRA:
Telephone is also amazing.

You just push the buttons
and say,

"Hi, it's me,
your deadbeat sister."

Well, it's a treat seeing
you two going at it again.

Kids!

Come in and say hi
to your Aunt Dee Dee.

Better hurry before
she disappears
for another decade.

DEE DEE: Ohhh! Oh!

What?

Look at you guys.
You've grown.

Why did I think
that you were dead?

Ah, you're so sweet.

Now, how long has it been
since we've seen each other?

I think you crashed
one of my pool parties

with some guy
you were calling
"Uncle Julio."

Oh! (CHORTLING)

I remember that.

All right, you guys
treat yourself, okay?
Buy yourself something nice.

-$100?
-Oh, my God.

-Oh, my God. I missed you.
-Oh, my goodness. Wow.

I missed you so much.
I missed you so much.

Oh, gosh, look at them.
They are sweet kids.

I don't know what you were
so worried about, Moira.

Dee Dee,
what are you doing here?

Are you staying here
at the motel?
Can I get you a room?

No. God, no.

No, I mean...

No, I booked myself
into a junior suite

at the Comfort Inn
in Elmdale, thank you.

This is very darling.
It's just,
it doesn't have a gym

and I'm kind of in the best
shape of my life right now,

and I kind of wanna keep it
that way.

Okay.

Okay, so you're saying
that I would be
as in shape as you are

if I just fixed lights
all day?

Pretty much. Well,

a few pull-ups
here and there.

Okay, so you do work out.

-You are such a liar.
-(LAUGHING)

Oh.

Wow. Did Stevie say
something funny or...

-Grant, this is David Rose.
-Hi.

-He's one of our permanent
guests here.
-Don't say that, again.

-Grant does repairs
around here.
-Oh, great.

He was also just trying
to tell me that he got
that body

from just being a handyman.

Well, isn't Grant
just a big, fat liar.

Um...

I gotta grab
the right Marrette, so.

My head is all over
the place. She keeps
distracting me. (CHUCKLES)

-Yeah.
-(BOTH CHUCKLE)

Wow. He is wearing
a tight shirt.

(CHUCKLES)

So, is he gonna do
some repairs on your...

On your undies?

Who's to say
he hasn't already?

Wow. Great.

Why? Is that a problem
for you?

No. No. Do you.

Do him. Do both.

-Do things. Yeah.
-Great. I think I might.

Good. Jump in.

So...

We should probably
establish some boundaries

about this whole
friends-with-benefits thing.

Okay. Yeah.
No, let's do that.

Let's, uh...
Let's put up some boundaries

for the infrequent benefits
that our friendship has.

I think that's really good.

Can we do that
after you screw Mr Fix-it,

or would you like
to do it now?

Let's throw
some boundaries up.

Okay.

(LAUGHS)

Hey, Twyla.

(TWYLA HUMMING)

Twyla.

Twyla?

I'm so sorry.
I really didn't think
that was gonna hit you.

That's okay. Your mom did
the same thing to me
this morning.

-Okay.
-What can I get you guys?

Just coffees. Thanks.

So what's going on
over there?

I'm just working
on something. Just
a little thing for Mutt.

Oh. Is it his birthday
or something?

No. My dad always said,
"When in doubt,
say it with a song."

He was a roadie
with Fleetwood Mac

and that was the last thing
Mick Fleetwood said to him

before the band hit him
with a restraining order.

So you're writing a song
for Mutt, then?

Yeah, I'm trying to.

Cute. So what, is it about

your feelings,
or is it love and... What?

Are we shooting a Dateline
investigative report?

No, we're not.
I'm just looking out
for my friend.

Um...

Honestly, Twy,

ixnay on the ongsay.

Because I tried it once

and the guy ripped
the guitar out of my hands

and he just started
smashing it
on the ground.

Granted, I am tone deaf
and he was a...

He was a super
angry Marine, but...

Just let the girl
write her boyfriend a song.

Okay, I know.
And I'm all for it,
I'm all for it.

I just think it's...
I think it's a super
big mistake.

(DOOR OPENING)

(DOOR CLOSING)

David!

Jocelyn. Hi.

Can I ask you something?

Uh, that depends.

How shall I put this?

You strike me as the sort
of person that had
a hard time in high school.

Thank you.

Your floral top,
for instance.

Is there something
I can help you with?

Well, there's a new kid
in my school and he's having
a little trouble fitting in.

Mmm-hmm.

He's also struggling
with his sexuality,

which I think
that you may be also...

What can I
help you with, Jocelyn?

Well, I was thinking,
wouldn't it be wonderful

if you could come down
to the school,

you know, maybe talk to him
and tell him that things
only get better.

The idea of me life coaching
another human being

should scare you.

A lot. I don't...

I knew there was
a good person
in there somewhere, David.

(LAUGHING)

Oh, and, honey,

get the quilted,
that other stuff
will chafe you right up.

So, this is weird.

Um, today marks the longest
relationship

that I've ever voluntarily
had with someone.

Voluntarily?

Yeah. The actual longest
relationship was, um,

a three-month affair
with a Saudi prince,

but for the last two months
of that,

I was trapped in his palace
trying to get to an embassy.

Um, so, hey. How is it going
with you and Twyla?

You guys are looking cute.

Uh...

I don't know.

Why? What's going on?

I don't know. It...
It's nothing. It's fine.

Okay, if my boyfriend ever
described our relationship
as "fine,"

-I think
I would literally...
-It's just...

-It feels like it's run
its course.
-What?

And I think we've both
known it for a while now.

Oh.

(DOOR OPENING)

Oh, give me a break.

How did you find me?

Well, where else
is there to go?

And Johnny may have told me.

Thank you, Johnny.

Moira, why are you making
this so difficult for me?

Oh. Where do I start?

Uh, you know,
I think it's best
we don't go there.

No, I'd like to go there.
Please, take me.

$50,000.
Does that sound familiar?

-Yes. You gave that to me
as a down payment...
-No, loaned it.

You gave it to me
as a down payment for
my Buffalonian town house.

We handed you the money
and you said...

-Thank you?
-Ugh. Too late.

Well, Moira,

considering you had over
$500 million in the bank,

I'm a little personally
offended that I didn't
get more.

Go away, Dee Dee.

No. No.

Not till I do
what I came here to do.

Didn't want to hurt
your feelings, but I forgot.

-You don't have feelings.
-Don't you dare.
Don't you dare.

Yes, yes.
I am paying you back.

It's not everything,
but it's a start.

So walk me through this,
she offered you a cheque
and you turned it down?

She was insulting us.

Moira, the woman dates
dive-bar owners, okay?

Let her insult us.

Well, I don't know
whether you've noticed,
but we could use the money.

You talk about bed bugs?

That cheque could pay
for fumigation.

Better yet, we could move
to a place that doesn't have
bed bugs.

I don't want her money. I
want our money. She owes us.

We loaned her $50,000.

-We gave her $50,000.
-Oh.

And you spent more than that
on wigs that year.

I don't see anyone else
lining up to give us checks.

Why are you taking her side?

I'm not taking her side,
but she's offering us
a way out

and you're letting
your pride get in the way.

It's all I have left,
John, literally.

Swallow it, Moira.

-I can't!
-Yes, you can.

And then we can buy
a case of champagne
to wash it down with.

(BREATHES DEEPLY)

DAVID: So, you and Grant.

How are things going?

Uh, well, he asked me out
for dinner tonight,
so we're gonna do that.

We're gonna go for dinner,
Grant and I.

Yeah. Yeah, that's...

Well, he seems like
a really, like,
respectable guy.

Like one of those guys
that has like a

candy bowl of condoms
on his bedside table
or something.

Oh, I hope so.
Wonder what colour I'll get.

-Yeah.
-(BOTH CHUCKLE)

So, I am mentoring
a teen in crisis, later.

That's what I'm doing. One
of Jocelyn's students, so.

He's being bullied because
he's different, so I'm
helping to change his life.

-Giving back. So, yeah.
-Wow.

And on a scale of one to 10,
how much are you
looking forward to that?

Three point five.
I'm gonna leave you be
because it's not every day

you get to go on a date
with a guy who owns
a windowless van, so that...

-(DOOR OPENING)
-Oh, Grant.

GRANT: Hi.

Hey.

What're you doing?
You checking out porn again?

(LAUGHING)

I'm gonna go. I'm gonna go.

Um... Warmest regards
to you both.

Best wishes.

(DOOR CLOSING)

Such a weird dude.

Yes. Yes, he is.

(METAL CLATTERING)

(BALLS BOUNCING)

You must be Connor.

Yeah.

I don't know how much
Mrs Schitt has told you,

but she's asked me
to come in and have a chat.

She thinks that since
we're both new here,

it might be worth talking
about some things
like, you know, fitting in.

Apparently you're having
trouble fitting in.

(STAMMERING) Who are you?

Uh, my name is David.

Are you like a doctor,
or something?
A psychologist?

Am I what? Uh, no.

So why would I talk to you?

I don't know.

Because your teacher
is concerned that you're
having trouble adjusting.

So she told you to come here
and, what, help me?

Look at you.
Look at your pants.

Excuse me.
I am sensing a tinge
of disrespect here.

Let me tell you
what my problem is.

I'm a 16-year-old gay kid
living in a town that makes
me wanna throw up.

The issue isn't me
not fitting in. It's me
not wanting to fit in.

Is there anything else
you wanna help me with?

No.

Go ahead and order
whatever you want.
This is on us.

Oh.

They're letting you run up
a long tab, are they?

You see?

Well, I hear the pork
is very good here.

The ribs, the chops,
the roast.

Nothing for me, thanks.

Well, isn't that funny
because Moira doesn't
eat here, either.

But I will be eating and I
just don't know whether to
have the ribs or the chops,

but I'm definitely
ordering pork.

If you mention pork
one more time...

Moira, um, don't you have
something you wanna say
to your sister?

No.

Oh, I'm pretty sure you do.

I'm pretty sure I don't.

Thank you for trying,
Johnny. Truly.

But, like, I'm just really
uncomfortable right now

with my older sister acting
like a stubborn child.

Okay, why don't we all
take a deep breath here

and try and remember
what's really important.

Okay? We are family.

And we have to
hang on to that.

And you know as well
as I do, Moira,
that times of crisis,

the one thing we need
to hang on to is family.

Okay, okay.

(CLEARS THROAT)

Dee Dee,

we appreciate you coming
to this town

and offering whatever it is
you're offering,
much appreciated.

'Cause, seriously,
I thought you were
just coming here to gloat.

No, no, no.

I came here in the spirit
of giving and forgiving.

The gloating thing
was a bonus.

Moira, go on.

Yes, go on.

We need help.

Please help us.

Okay, I will.

Hmm.

Oh.

I'm gonna do this for you,
but mostly,
I'm doing it for me.

Why? Because you can't
and I can.

Oh.

DEE DEE: Okay.

How much we gonna make
this out for?

Oh.

I haven't the foggiest.
I couldn't...

I couldn't come up
with a number. I mean, I...

Whatever you think is fair.

Well, you guys gave me
50 grand, right?

Yes, we gave you 50,000
when we had the money.

But I can't...

I can't ask you for $50,000.

Whatever you think
is the equivalent amount.

Okay, I think I can do you

a little better
than that. Okay?

Oh.

So unnecessary, Dee Dee,

but thank you.

Well, who's up for pork?

Okay, so you're telling me

your girlfriend is on a date
with someone else

and instead of doing
something about it,
you're here talking to me,

a kid who practically
has no respect for you.

Well, first of all,
you're a little bitchy.

Second of all,
she is not my girlfriend.

She's someone
that I'm occasionally
having sex with

because we're both
bored and desperate.

Ah. You're doing
a friends-with-benefits
thing with this girl.

Have you not seen
the 42 films they've made
about it? It never works.

Okay, well,
movies aren't always right,
all right?

You'll learn that
later in life.

I happen to be a little bit
older than you are, so...

-Obviously.
-Okay.

Well, I think
we're good here.

You're gonna be okay, right?
You're stable?

I have a party later.
Can you buy me some beer?

Uh, no.
Can you buy me some beer?

Hey. Can I grab a glass
of water?

-Yeah, sure.
-Thank you.

So how's the, uh,
song going? Is that...

-Is the song still a thing?
-Yeah. Do you wanna
hear some of it?

Um, I would love to,
but I actually hate music,

so I don't think
I'd be a very good judge.

-You hate music?
-Uh-huh.

Are you sure
that Mutt likes music?

'Cause I feel
like if he didn't,
it could be kind of awkward.

Are you feeling okay?

Um, I just don't think

that the song thing
is a good idea.

For, like, a lot of reasons.

Um...

Are you sure that you wanna
put yourself in such
a vulnerable situation, Twy?

Are you saying you don't
think Mutt would like it?

I don't know. I mean...

I'm not sure.

Maybe, but...
I don't... I'm not...
Yeah, I'm not sure.

Did you talk to Mutt?

Because I know
that we've been sort of off
for a while,

and I've been just trying
to think of things to make
it better, and so I'm...

You know, I'm just trying
to make it work.

I think that you should talk
to Mutt before

breaking into song.

Thank you, Alexis.

For what?

Bye.

(DOOR OPENING)

(DOOR CLOSING)

In all honesty,
Mutt was just a placeholder.

According to my tea leaves,
the guy I'm supposed
to marry is black, so...

(DOOR CLOSING)

-What and why
are we drinking?
-Oh, my goodness.

Um, I don't know, and today,
some snippy teen told me
that my life was a mess.

And I am now
a single person.

Oh.

So did you spend the night
washing your clothes
on Grant's abs?

-You're funny.
-Mmm-hmm.

Um, Grant went
to the bathroom
and never came back.

-Thank you.
-What?

He went to the bathroom
and never came back?

-Mmm-hmm.
-Oh.

So either I was stood up
halfway through my date,

or Grant has some serious
digestive issues.

Wow.

Sounds like a real catch.

-Mmm-hmm
-Um...

So word on teen street

is that our little
friends-with-benefits
situation is a...

-Not a good idea?
-Bad. Is a bad idea.

And because I don't have
any other friends here,

I can't afford to lose you,
so I think it's best
if we just...

-Friends.
-Friends. Yeah.

-I think that's best.
-Yes.

Good. This is good.

-That's good, right?
-It's good.

Okay. Well, warmest wishes
to that.

-Kindest regards.
-Yeah.

Cheers.

Hoo.
(INHALES SHARPLY)

-Twy, that's...
-Hmm.

-(SNIFFS)
-It's good, right?

My eyes are tearing.

So this is it?

After all that?

And we paid for the dinner.

So we lost money
on the whole deal.

(DEEP SIGHING)

I'll tell you,

she's gonna be embarrassed
when this thing gets cashed.

She will be embarrassed.

She missed a zero.

Moira, she missed a zero
or two.

I... You know what?

I'm gonna call her.
I'm calling her right now,
that...

What a cheap-ass amount!

Turn your light off, John.

Your sister is a cheap-ass.

(SIGHS)

(EXHALES)

Cheap-ass.