All language subtitles for S2E12 Animal Frat

[ Man Narrating ]
Theorizing that one could time travel
within his own lifetime,

Dr. Sam Beckett led an elite group
of scientists into the desert...

to develop a top secret project
known as Quantum Leap.

Pressured to prove his theories
or lose funding,

Dr. Beckett prematurely
stepped into the project accelerator...

and vanished.

He awoke to find himself in the past,

suffering from partial amnesia
and facing a mirror image
that was not his own.

Fortunately,
contact with his own time...

was maintained through
brain wave transmissions with Al,
the project observer,

who appears in the form of a hologram
that only Dr. Beckett can see and hear.

Trapped in the past,
Dr. Beckett finds himself
leaping from life to life,

putting things right
that once went wrong...

and hoping each time
that his next leap will be the leap home.

[ Dog Barking ]
[ Boy ]
It is too!

It is not.
That is my Queen T-shirt.

It's not yours,jerk.

Read my lips, barf-head.
That's my shirt, and I want it back.

It's Peggy Couche's.
Now, would you leave me alone!

Give me that.

- I went to that Queen concert,
and I paid for it with my own money!
- Look what Wookiee did. He ate my doll.

[ Boy ]
Get your grubby hands off,
and keep outta my room!

[ Girl ]
It's not your T-shirt.
It is too.

It is not.
Liar.

Booger-face.

Give it back, moron!
Come and get it, shrimp!
[ Groans ]

Mommy!
Mom!

Mom, please fix my doll.

My poor dolly's all chewed up.

I'm a mommy.
Give me--

[ Children Yelling ]

[ Boy ]
Give it to me!
[ Girl ] No! Give it to me!

Listen. It's my shirt.
You took it out of my room.

It's Peggy's shirt!
You took this out of my room,
and you know it.

[ Girl ]
Look what you did. Great.
That is Peggy's shirt.

[ Boy ]
It's my shirt, Susan!
It's Peggy's shirt.

[ Boy ]
I went to this concert.
I remember the concert.

Oh,you brute.
[ Susan ]
Give it to me!

[ Boy ]
Oh, my heavens.

[ Sam Narrating ]
I know I fought
with my brother and sister.

It's the law of sibling survival.

But somehow I always remember
Mom and Dad bringing us under control...

with a kind but firm word.

- Quiet!
- [ Dog Whimpering ]

Wow.

Mom just reached max gross load.

[ Susan ]
You're the gross load.
Oh,yeah? Look who's talking.

You're the one
who ripped my shirt.

What am I supposed to do
about Peggy's shirt?

My shirt. And you're gonna
buy a new one for me.

Enough, okay? Enough.

Now it's nobody's shirt.
Now it's just a-- a torn rag.

[ Girl ]
Where's my mommy?

She's in front of you.

That's not my mommy.
That's a man.

[ Boy ]
Wild.
[ Chuckles ]

I want my mommy.

[ Chuckling ]

[ Screams ]

Mommy! Mommy!
Mommy! Mommy!
Uh-oh, Mom.

Baby breakdown.

What's wrong with Teresa?
Too much Sesame Street.

I've never seen her do that before.

Would-- Would you, uh--

Would you just, uh, go check on her?
Why me?

Yeah, sending Susan
is like sending Jaws
to get the kids out of the pool.

I got science lab, Mom.
First check on your sister.

Please.

[ Imitating Rod Serling ]
You see before you a classic example
of the devastating effects brought about...

when parents brutally yell
at their impressionable children.

There's the signpost up ahead--
Go to school.

[ Teresa ] That's not my mommy.
You would send me off
to face the world...

[ Toaster Pops ]
without breakfast?

Uh, we-- No, um--
Course not.

I'm sorry, Mom.

I mean, I know this divorce thing
has been real tough on you.

[ Whispers ]
I'm divorced.

But like you said,
the hard part is over.

I di-- I-- I did.

And that bimbo Dad ran off with
is almost punishment enough.

It's time to think about yourself.
Yeah, well,

uh, you know, it-- it's--

It's hard.
Well,you're doin'it.

I mean,you got
your real estate license.

I know you'll sell
one of those tacky houses soon.

I'm real proud of you, Mom.

Wow. She has totally freaked out.

What do you mean?
She says you're not her mother.

And get this. You're a strange man
dressed in Mommy's clothes.

Ooh.
I mean, totally creepy.

Residual flashbacks
from your hippie days, Mom.
[ Laughs ]

I got her to come down
and take another look.

Come on, munchkin.

Come on.

See? It's Mommy.

That's not my mommy.
That's a man.

So's the guy in the yucky shirt.

This is my favorite shirt.
This is cutting-edge stuff.

It's yucky.

[ Susan ]
This is too weird.

I want my mommy! Mommy!

Definitely too much
Sesame Street.

Sam, she--
Mommy!

She could see me.
I know that.

Finally, somebody agrees with me.

Maybe somebody should,
uh, talk to her.

Do you-- Do you think
you could go and-- and...

talk to her again, uh, please?

Mom, I'm 1 1 .
I won't have my psych degree
for another 1 5 years.

They don't give degrees
to the hopelessly stupid.
Okay. All right, please.

You owe me for that shirt.
[ Horn Honking ]

[ Boy ] Get real.
Mom, don't forget.
You've got carpool to Girl Scouts,

and I have a fitting
for my new soccer uniform
this afternoon.

They got that gross blue.
[ Boy ]
This afternoon?

Mom, my swim meet
is this afternoon.
[ Teresa ] Mommy.

Look, you gotta be
at my swim meet.

All right. I'll be-- Uh, wait. Wait.
What about, uh, uh, Teresa?

[ Imitating Yoda ]
Oh, Mother Warrior,
you must face her alone.

Or at least until Rafaella
gets here at noon. I gotta go.
[ Whirring ]

Mom, wear a dress to show
that house this morning, will ya?

House.

Sam,

Ziggy says that kids
under the age of five exist in a--

in a natural alpha state,
and that's how come
she could see me.

That's why she can see you,
but how can she see me?

Animals and kids,
that's great.
What did she say after Girl Scouts?

They're pure of heart.
You know you can't lie to a kid.

They see right through you.
They see the real you.

And little, uh-- little, uh--
Teresa.

Ter-- little Teresa,
she sees only the truth.

Problem is,
the truth is her mother's gone.

[ Teresa ]
Mommy!

What am I gonna do, Al?

I guess you gotta
tell her the truth.
[ Sighs ]

Please don't hide
from me, Mommy.

Poor kid. Okay.

Where's my mommy?

Um--

Uh, your mommy, uh--

Hummina, hummina.
Your mommy.

Oh, your mommy had to
go away for a little while,
but she's gonna be back real soon.

Yeah, my name is Sam,
and--and this is Al.

And for the next couple of days,

everybody's gonna pretend
that I'm your mommy.

That's good, Sam.
Thank you.

Why?

Why?
Why? Why?

[ Beeps ]
Um--

Oh. To help your big brother.

Do what?

Do what?
Do--

[ Beeping ]

Oh, uh, to-- to win the swim meet.

Are you angels?

Yes.
No.

Yes, uh, this is Angel Sam,
and I'm Angel Al.

The truth, Al.

Here, I'll show you.
Try and touch my hand.

[ Giggles ]
Come on back here.

- See?
- You see, we're, uh, a couple of angels,

and we're here to help Kevin
win the swim meet.

And after we do that,
then we'll be gone,

and--and your mommy
will come back.
Promise?

Oh, yeah, promise.
Promise.

Can you fix it, please?

Oh, uh, Wookiee.
Wookiee, the dog ate the--
Uh, Angel Sam is the-- the doll elf.

Uh, here.

Then will you read me a story?

What a great--
That's a great idea.
Yeah, but--

But you gotta hold
the book and turn the pages.
Yeah.

That's a good deal.

[ Al ]
Okay,you go pick out a book,
and then I'll come right along.

Okay, Al,
what are we really here to do?
[ Beeps ]

[ Sighs ]
Well, I didn't want to say it
in front of her,

but sometime in the next 2 4 hours...

Kevin runs away from home and--

And?

He vanishes off the face of the earth.

[ Sam ]
He can'tjust vanish.

[ Al ]
Six months later, his bloodied clothes
were found in an abandoned van.

They never found his body, Sam.

And his mother
never allowed the case to be closed.

[ Sam ]
I'm really glad you're enjoying
this positive parental experience,

[ Al ]
I am.
but we have a problem here.

Al, why would I come back
as a mother?

Well, because, uh,

Dad is off having
a severe case of midlife crisis.

Well, fine. But how am I gonna find out
why Kevin runs off if I don't even
have time to turn around?

I mean, would you look
at this woman's schedule?

Car pool, music lessons,
Mommy and Me art class--
That's just for today.

Calm down. Okay, okay, okay.
Luncheon for the P.T.A., music--

Calm down already, all right?
You're getting--
You're gonna hyperventilate.

Nobody ever said
it was gonna be easy being a mother.

But since you are a mother,
you gotta figure out why your 1 5-year-old
is gonna run away tonight.

What's the worst thing
you can remember about being 1 5?

Who, me?
Yeah.

Oh. Getting busted
by her parents just as I was--

Al, Al. I doubt that this has
anything to do with sex.

Well, of course it--
What else could it be about?

Lots of things.
I mean, when I was 1 5, I had--

I had trouble because
I was smart and shy.

The kid is funny.
He's not Einstein.
Maybe it's a cover.

Maybe he's using humor
to hide his emotions.

- All right. What are you gonna do?
- I don't know.

I don't know what I'm gonna do.

But I know I can't--
You know, I can't follow him around all day.

What?

I can't follow him around, but you can.
[ Chuckling ]
No, no.

Yes.
Uh-uh.

Yes.
No. Lookit.

Reading stories to the munchkin,
okay, that's one thing.

But Sam Spadeing
a 1 5-year-old kid-- forget it.

Al, it's no problem.
You get Gooshie,
No. Uh-uh.

he centers you in on Kevin,
never knows you're there.
Don't tell me about Gooshie.

I'm not gonna do it.
I really appreciate this.

No.
Thank you very much.

It's out of the question.
Al-- I owe you one then, okay?

Uh, we got somebody
called Al for dinner?

[ Bell Rings ]

[ Chattering ]

Hey, check it out, man.

Baby has legs up to her neck.

[ Kevin ]
You gotta be kidding.
She's a walking beanpole.

A beanpole? And I guess
you wouldn't like to climb it, right?

[ Boy ]
Wouldn't or couldn't?

- [ Kevin ]
She's jailbait.
- Oh, yeah? And what are you, runt?

Too hip to rob the cradle,
no matter how many points.

Now, if the Kev were truly
lookin' for some action,

he'd go after, uh,

Jackie Arnett.

Oh!
[ Boy ]
Jackie.

Ahhh.
Jackie.

Jackie!Jackie!Jackie!Jackie!

Jackie!Jackie!Jackie!

Stop it, guys!

She's, uh, not my speed.

What is your speed,
micro-stud? Reverse?

She happens to live a couple of blocks
from me, and we've become...

friendly.

Jackie Arnett is friendly
with anybody that'll say hello.

[ Kevin ] That's a lie.
[ Boy ] Come on, Kev.
The whole track team's had her, buddy.

I said that's a lie.
He defends her honor.

Ah. Perhaps this is true love.

Absolutely love.
Oh, but she wouldn't be desperate enough
for a class ''C'' creature like Kevin.

Class ''C.'' I like it, man.
Speak for yourself, zero charisma.

All I'm sayin'is she's not like that.

Hey. That's nice, Kevin.
[ Boy ]
What is she like?

She's a strumpet.
Worth maybe, uh, 50 points.
Right, Teddy, huh?

Oh, not Demon and Dragon freaks.
I hate that game.

A challenge.
A test of your noble manhood.

Bring on the dragons,
you warted trolls.

Thank you, ladies.

And bring back a sacred sign
of his victory.

- [ Boy ]
Like her panties.
- Face the challenge,jester,

and earn your knighthood.

I smell a setup comin' here.

So be it.

Handle it, squire.
Grow up.

Never mind.
I'll handle this myself.

Hey, where's he going?

To set the stage
for your conquest.

Yeah,just a little help
from your friends, right?

Gooshie, center me on Sam.

[ Sam ]
I'm not gonna tell a 1 5-year-old boy
how to seduce a girl.

I don't see where you have
any choice in this, Sam.

The kid is-- is-- is--
He's inexperienced.

He's supposed to be
inexperienced. He's 1 5.

I kno--
I'll have you know when I was fif--

The fact that you were a practicing
pervert at the age of five has nothing
to do with the rest of the world.

Words of wisdom from the world's
most sexually backward teenager.

This has nothing to do with
my adolescent experience.

Since you were sent here
to help him, I figure it does.
No.

Listen, Mr. Moral,
if you and I represent opposite ends
of the sexual spectrum,

that puts Kevin about normal.
No.

You gotta help him, Sam.
His buddies are
setting him up for a fall.

When he takes it, he runs away.

Besides, I think he likes the girl.

How would you know?
Well, he defended her honor.

I mean, you never defend
a girl's honor unless you--
you really like her.

No. No, I'm not going to encourage
a 1 5-year-old boy to have
sexual intercourse.

What's secular undercourse?

Uh, it's a game grown-ups play.

Why-- Why-- Why don't we, uh,
wash up for dinner?

I'm too little
to wash up for dinner.

What, to wash up?

See?

Oh. Oh, yeah.
Let-- Let me help you.

Let me-- Let me help you.

Let me have this dolly, please.

Al, what if we teach him
about romance?

Romance?
I'm sure you've heard of it.

The art of making someone
fall in love with you.

Well, what kind of acceptance
is that gonna give him?

[ Giggling ]
It's gonna get him honor.

These demons are on a quest,
and it isn't for honor.

Look, if Kevin goes about this
the right way...

and ends up with the girl he likes,

then his warrior buddies
are gonna have to back off, right?

Then he won't run away.

Simple.

Oh, no!
Oh, no.

[ Al ]
Hmm. What do you think, Teresa?

Yuck.
It's ruined.

I hope you're better at romance
than whatever that was supposed to be.

Teresa, what do you say
we go pick up your brother and sister,

and we'll all go out to eat?

Pizza!
[ Together]
Pizza!

Pizza. No pizza for you.

Susan. Susan.

Please come back.
Get your books
and your uniform, all right?

- Mom, I'm gonna miss Magnum.
- It's gonna run for
the next eight years, okay?

I think you got a little time.

Come here.
Look at your face.

Will you take Teresa upstairs
and wash the ice cream off of her face?

Thank you.
Come on, munchkin.

No. I want to stay with Sam.

Honey--

Would you-- Would you do me a favor
and, uh, take my purse in for me?

It's kind of heavy.
You got it?

I can do it, Sam.
Thank you.

You okay?

Yeah. Yeah, I'm great.

I mean, uh, everything all right?

Yeah, sure.
I was just drifting in the ozone.

Hey, uh, Kevin, you, uh--

Wanna play some Ping-Pong?

You hate Ping-Pong.

I do?

Well, I mean, that's because...

I didn't want you to know
how good I was.

Come on.
[ Chuckles ]

Nice shot, Mom.

Whenever my, uh,

dad wanted to have
a heart-to-heart with us,

usually it took place
over a Ping-Pong table.

So, uh, what do you wanna talk about?

Well,you looked like
you needed someone to talk to.
Nope.

Look, come on.
Kevin, I know that--
that there's somethin' bothering you.

Too cool to talk to your mom?

It's just--

You know, guy stuff.

Yeah, well, you know,
if it has to do with girls,

I-- I-- I might know more than--
more than you think.

Yeah, I know. You used to be one.

Yeah. Well, uh--

No. No, that's not what I meant.

I mean, if-- if you wanna--

If you need to talk to them,
or, you know, find out what--

you know, things that
they like to hear,you know?

Like, um, do you know
where to put your hands
when you dance with a girl?

This is, uh, too weird.

You know, I can't talk to you
because you're--

you're my mom.
[ Teresa ]
Sam.

Me and Wookiee made a painting.

Oh, Teresa.

[ Barking ]
[ Kevin ]
Hey,you know, I think it's kind of punk.

Oh, no, Wookiee, come ba-- Here.

Oh, Teresa.
Okay, here we go.
[ Squealing ]

Oh, don't touch any--
Wookiee, get off the couch!

''Sam.''

See you. Bye.
[ Chattering ]

Hi, Mom.

Come on,Jackie.
It's a hysterical idea.

Besides, it's, uh,
just sort of an initiation.

It still seems mean.

You're not gonna back out
on us now, are you,Jackie?

Come on. He might get
a little mad at first.

But once he's a full wizard,
he's gonna be totally grateful.

Totally.

Of course, as class president,

whoever I take to
the Mardi Gras Dance
is crowned queen.

But if you wouldn't like the honor,
I'm sure that I could--
I already told my mom.

Then we're on?

Okay.
Call Kevin and tell him
to be here at 8:00.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah!

[ Magnum Narrating ]
This morning was like
any other on Oahu.

A beautiful woman
named Christie DeBolt
had hired me to,

uh, play games
with her sister Louise.

She said games.
I would have said
helping a rich girl live out her fantasies.

Okay, so it wasn't
like any other morning,
[ Dog Growling On TV]

but one has to be ready
to expect the unexpected.

At any rate, I wasn't gonna
let it affect my workout.

Hi, guys.

[ Higgins ] I'd never seen a black orchid
before, although technically they
can't exist, you know.

- The box doesn't have
the florist's name on it--
- What do you see in that geek?

What are you, blind?
The man is terminally gorgeous.

He's a ''wuz. ''
Please.

You have a major case ofjealousy.

Of what? The guy talks like
he's been sucking helium,

and he giggles like a girl.

[ Susan ]
The only thing that matters
is that he's sensitive,

and he understands
the needs of a woman.

And what makes you
such an expert
on a woman's needs, runt?

Knowledge by gender,jerk.

[ Magnum ]
Take the orchid back
into the house, Higgins.

[ Higgins ] I'd like to meet
the owner, if you don't mind.
Uh,

Sue,

if you had a guy that,

like--you know, he liked you,

what would he have to do to, uh--

- You know.
- I'm 1 1 .

I don't have to deal with
that teenage mating ritual crap.

But I'll tell you one thing.
You wouldn't be the school joke.

Hey, you creep, I was watching that!

I'm not gonna stay here
and put up with your garbage!

Tell Mom I'm going to
Anita's to watch TV.

Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.

You didn't tell me
you were goin' out tonight.

Yeah, sure I did. Remember last night
I said me and the guys were gonna
go see Raiders again?

I'm cold.
Yeah, okay, okay.

Um, I don't want you
goin' out tonight.

Mom.

It's too late to be goin' out.
It's not even 8:00!

And what about Susan?
You know, she's over at Anita's
watching TV, and she's only 1 1 .

Anita's? Where's Anita's?
Next door.

- Are you okay, Mom?
- He's not our mommy.

Have you ever considered
taking her to a baby shrink?

I'm not a baby.

Okay, a dwarf shrink.

Look, Mom, I gotta go,
or I'm gonna miss the rock
rolling out of the cave.

I said no.

Kevin--
I'm going to my room!
Is that okay?

I just thought maybe
you could stay down with us and--

No! Thanks!
[ Door Slams ]

Sam, what's a dwarf?

[ Teresa ]
Sam, Mommy sings me songs.

I-- I don't know any new songs. Honest.

Please.

Couldn't ya-- Couldn't ya just kind of
just fall asleep yourself without a song?

(music) Four and four are eight

Where have you been?
Just go turn down the stereo, will ya?

I'll sing you to sleep, honey.

(music) Inchworm
Inchworm

(music) You and your arithmetic

(music) Will probably go far

(music) Inchworm
Inchworm

[ Whispers ]
Al!

[ Sam ]
Come on! Come on!

God, Sam, I never really
wanted to have kids--

Kevin's gone.
What?

He wanted to go out earlier.
Wanted to go to the movie with
his friends. I wouldn't let him go.

Yeah, but he--
Oh, he left the stereo on,
and he probably went out the window.

I would have done the same thing.
I forced him to run away.

No, you didn't. Why?
Telling him he couldn't go?

No, no. It's those buddies of his.
They've got the thumbscrews on him.

Jackie Arnett.
That's it.

I'm gonna ask Ziggy
for her address.
Uh, what about Teresa?

Uh, I'll stay here
and keep an eye on her
till you get back with Kevin.

You're a hologram.
What if something happens?

Uh--
Oh. Uh, Susan's next door.

I'll go get her, and I'll call Rafaella
to have her come over, all right?
Okay, good.

And I'll catch up with you
when Rafaella gets here.

You know, it-- it was, uh,

real nice of you
to invite me over,Jackie.

Look, Kevin,
you don't have to be nice to me.

You don't even have to
talk to me if you don't want to.

We could just get started.

Well, what about your parents?

At the Davenports.
It's their bridge night.

Why are you doing this?
Doing what?

Well, I mean--
I mean, you know me--

Well, I mean,

do you even really like me?

Not that you wouldn't like me
if you got to know me better.

Does it matter?

It does to me.

Why don't you just go over there
and take your clothes off,

and I'll put another tape in.

It's okay.

Take 'em off.

Um--

I, uh--

I don't know what to do.

Kevin,

are you a virgin?

Uh, virgin?

Yeah.

I'd really like to know.

- Yes.
- [ Laughing ]
Micro Man's a virgin!

- ''I don't know what to do. ''
[ Laughing ]
- [ Chuckles ]

[ Boy ]
He said he didn't know what to do.

[ All Laughing ]
''I'm a virgin. ''

- Kevin!
- Oh, Virgin Man.
Where you goin', Virgin Man?

Hey, Virgin Man!
Where you goin', buddy?

- What's the matter?
Did you get embarrassed?
- [Jackie ] Kevin!

Kevin, come back!
[ Boy ] Hey, micro-stud,
come on back. I'll tell you what to do!

[ Boy #2 ] Virgin Man, where you goin'?
Where's your sense ofhumor, buddy?
[ Boy #1 ] He lost it.

Yo, wimp.
Guy's a major wimp.

Man, it was good!
[ Laughing ]

[ Panting ]

[Jackie ]
I can't believe you made me do that!

Hey, what's your problem, huh?
That was really cruel!

- It was great!
- Didn't you see how freaked out he was?

Oh, do I detect
the pangs of remorse?
[ Chuckles ]

You said he'd think it was funny.

So he doesn't have
a sense of humor.

He will after we tell
the whole school.

No!
[ Boy ]
Hey, I think she likes him.

Well, he's got a lot more
going for him than you losers.
[ Tires Screech ]

Hey, get your nose
out of the clouds and get real.

- You're just as guilty as the rest of us.
- Guilty of what?

- Guilty of what?
- It was supposed to be a joke, Mrs. Bruckner.

- Where's Kevin?
- I don't know. He rode off on his bike.

[ Boy ]
He sure did.
Kevin's not here?

Rode off on his bike.
[Jackie ]
Yes, ma'am.

- Where would he go?
- He probably went straight home.

When Kevin disappeared,
his bike was found abandoned
on Bell Road.

Where's Bell Road?
[Jackie ]
Two blocks to the right.

Mrs. Bruckner, I'm sorry.

Tell Kevin.

Man, with a mother like that
I'd still be a virgin too.
[ Cackling ]

You are still a virgin, pimple-puss.

And you're gonna be a virgin
for another six years.

I tell ya.

[ Grunting ]

[ Al ]
Ziggy's tryin'to get a lock on him.

Think maybe he went back home?

No, I don't think so.

They obviously
embarrassed him pretty good.

I figure they must have
talked Jackie in--

- Uh-oh. Sam--
- I see it.

[ Whirs ]
Ah! Okay. Here!
He's got him.

Uh, they're in a vehicle
three kilometers straight ahead of us.

Maybe-- Maybe he hitchhiked.

[ Whirs ]

No. No, he didn't.

[ Al ]
It's a van.

Can't you make this thing
go any faster?

I got it on the floor.
We shouldn't be
in a stupid station wagon.

[ Al ]
There it is.

Al, you think maybe, uh--

You think maybe you could
center in on Kevin just to--
What?

Just--Just to be with him.

But I can't do anything.
He won't even know I'm there.

I'll know.

Hang in there, kid.

Just hang in there.

You lay one hand on this kid,
you slime bag,

and I'll kill you.

I don't know how,
but I'll kill ya.

[ Horn Honking ]

[ Horn Honking ]

[ Honking Continues ]

[ Horn Honks ]

[ Horn Honking ]

[ Muffled Mumbling ]

See, what'd I tell you, kid?
It's just likeJohn Wayne
comin' with the cavalry!

Is Kevin all right?
Yeah, he will be,

as soon as
you take care of these sickos.

''These''?
What, there are two of'em?

Yeah, there's two of'em.

[ Groans ]

[ Groaning ]

I know--

I know this?
[ Al ]
Oh,yeah.

You know judo, you know karate,
you know, uh, uh, mui thai,

you know tae kwon do-- Uh-oh.

Watch out for the knife, Sam.
It could be sharp.

[ Groaning ]
All right!

Good moves.
You're better than Bruce Lee.
Bruce Lee?

Never mind.
We gotta get Kevin outta here
before these sickos wake up.

[ Muffled ]
Mom?

Mom! Mom!
I thought I'd never see you again!

I know.
You know, I wasn't
runnin' away, Mom. Honest.

I know that too.

Let's go.
Good idea.

Mom, how?

Girl Scouts.
Come on.

Girl Scouts?

Awesome.

[ Horn Honks ]

I gotta go.

I know I treat you
like a turkey sometimes,

but... I'm real glad--

You know.

[ Kisses ]

Bye.
Bye, Mom.

[ Horn Honking ]

I-- I don't know exactly
what happened atJackie's
last night, but, um--

Well, I got a pretty good idea.

Oh, boy.

I know it had
something to do with sex.

Mom.
It's not a dirty word, Kevin.

The guys... found out I'm a virgin.

Aha.

They're gonna blab it
all over school.

That's a tough one.
You bet it is.
I'm nearly 1 6.

I was a virgin when I was sixteen.

You're a girl.
You're supposed to be.

Kevin,

you know, it doesn't matter...

if you're male or female
when it comes to losing your virginity.

And-- And there's no special age
when it has to happen,

but there should be a special reason.

When--

When you love someone
so much that...

making love with them
is the most natural way of expressing it.

I never thought about it that way.

Yeah, well,

before that time comes, um,

there are some other things
we should talk about, okay?

Okay? I mean, you're 1 5,

and... you should just
give yourself a little time.

Okay.

Okay.
I gotta go.

Yeah. Oh, here, leave that.
I'll get it.

Thanks, Mom.

Okay.
See ya.

Yeah. Yeah.
Have a good day.

That was nicely done, Sam.
You think so?

Yeah.
Why haven't I leaped?

Uh, because I'm having
such a great time with Teresa.

Uh,you'll probably leap
as soon as Kevin confronts his friends.

- [ Bell Dings ]
- Your laundry's done.

Halfling's life is about to end.

Death by virginity.

Kevin.

I'm sorry.
Last night was stupid and mean,

and I wouldn't blame you
if you never wanted
to talk to me again.

But I'd really, really like it
if you'd want to
be my date for Mardi Gras.

Only if you don't wear heels.
[ Chuckles ]

Come on.

Ladies and gentlemen,
I give you Virgin Man.

You've gotta be kidding.

[ Girls ]
Ooh!

[ Crowd ]
Ooh!

[ Boy ]
Busted by a jester.
How degrading.

You know, this means
we're gonna have to
make him a wizard.

[ Boy #2 ]
We can't give him ultimate power.

I don't think you guys,
uh, have a choice.

[ Crowd Chanting ]
Kevin! Kevin! Kevin! Kevin! Kevin!

Kevin! Kevin! Kevin! Kevin!

Okay, now,
what do we call this one?

She's a little young, Al.

Um, Tyrannosaurus rex.

[ Beeps ]

And this one?

Um,

stegosaurus.

Right.
[ Beeps ]

How about this one?

Um, diplodocus.
Yeah.

Right.

Al.

Teresa,

your mommy's coming back.

Mommy?
Yeah.

Can you stay?

No.

But I don't want you to go.

Well, I don't want to go.

But I'm gonna come back.
I don't know when,

but I'll come back.

Promise?

I promise.

[ Man ]
Play now. Play now.
[ Crowd Cheering ]

- Come on. Come on.
- [ Cheerleaders ]
Go Jaguars!

[ Cheerleaders Screams ]

Oh, boy.