All language subtitles for S2E04 What Price Gloria

[ Sam Narrating ]
The first rule of quantum leaping
is to find out who I am.

Then, who I'm here to help.

Charlie-san!
[ Speaking Japanese ]

[ Sam Narrating ]
Third, if I've made a mistake,
know how to make up for it.

And always, always
know when to leave.
Sayonara, Sam.

[ Sam Narrating ]
Which brings me back to
the first rule of quantum leaping:�

finding out who I am.

[ Woman ]
Sam?

My name!

I'm gonna be called
by my own name.
Who is it?

It's Gloria, you yo-yo,
who else would it be?

I have to run to the store.
I ran my last pair of stockings.

You need anything?
Uh, no, no. I'm fine.

Will you zip me up?

You'd better hurry up.
You'll be late
for your new job.

Uh, yeah, right.
My new--
My new job.

Like it's no big deal.
An executive position
like this...

opens up once every five years
and never to someone our age,

Miss Youngest
Executive Secretary
at the company.

[ Sam ]
Miss?

Wow!

[ Al ]
Oh, my God.

It's true!

No, you--
You could lower that.

I'm a woman!
And I'm in love.

If it was anybody else, Sam,
I'd be all over you
like a cheap suit.

Stop it.
What?

I'm just--
I'm enjoying the view.

Let's face it.
You're a knockout.

You mean...
you see me a-as her?

Course I see you as her.
And back in the waiting room,
I see her as you.

- That's the way it works,
don't you remember?
- No, not really.

Al, this-this--
this feels really weird.

Think about how Samantha feels.
She's so confused,
we're using Verbena Beeks.

Antidepressants?
Dr. Verbena Beeks.

She's the project shrink.
I used to think she was cute.

Would you stop looking
at me like that!
Sam, you better get used to it.

You're gonna have to convince
everybody you're a woman.
No!

Yes!
Yes, that's the rule, Sam.

Everybody has to believe
you are Samantha...

so that whatever's
wrong here can be made right.

Well,just what is that,
please?
I don't know.

Gooshie and I
haven't had time to feed
any programs through Ziggy.

Well, would you do it,
please? Get on it.

Whatever you say,
beautiful.

Get out of here.
Just get out of my bathroom.

You have a wonderful
sense of humor.

[ Inhales, Exhales Deeply ]

[ Sam ]
Detroit, Michigan, 1 96 1.

Roger Maris is about
to break Babe Ruth's
home run record.

But am I wearing cleats,
sliding into second? No.

I'm wearing three-inch
high heels and trying
desperately not to fall on my...

face.

I told you you should have
worn a girdle.

I'm not
into bondage.

Do you remember how
Debbie Moore used to say that
before she had her baby?

Now she wouldn't
be caught dead without one.

I still can't believe
she went back to work.

What's wrong
with that?

Excuse me, but aren't you
the same girl that said,

''The day I get that gold band
is the day I quit work,

start shopping
and eat anything chocolate.''

Great. I'm a gold digger.

I'd never say that
about my best friend.

Let's just say you're
mentally prepared...

for a life different
than the one you're in.

[ Gloria ]
That's our bus!
Hey, wait!

Hold it.

Ah, ooh, ah.

No stockings?
You're such a bohemian.

[ Sam ]
Two hours as Samantha,
and I knew that the lyrics...

to ''I Enjoy Being a Girl''
were not written by one.

Whew!
I only hope myjob...

doesn't require anything more
than sharpening pencils
or mailing a letter.

At least until Ziggy
figures out why I'm here.

[ Gloria Sniffling ]

What's wrong?

Buddy got his promotion.

- Buddy?
- My fianc�--

if you can call a guy
who's married your fianc�.

I don't think so.

I can't believe he did this.

This is what
we've been waiting for,
so he could leave Gail.

He didn't even ask for me
to be his secretary.

I'm sorry.

You were right, Sam.

Married men are just
a one-way ticket to Nowheresville.

I don't know why
I keep believing.

Sometimes I think
I should just
give it all up.

Gloria.

I'll be fine.

I'm always fine.

From my heart.

I hope
everything's there.

Uh, yeah.
Well, I-- I hope so too.

If there is any problem,
I'm the man to talk to.

I did the move myself,
beautiful.

Beautiful?
Oh, okay.
Miss Stormer.

But, um, if you like,

I could call you Samantha,
and, uh,

you could
call me Big John.

I'm gonna call you ''dead''
if you don't
get outta my face.

Aw. I was just trying
to be friendly.

Be friendly on your
own time,Johnny,

or you'll be
delivering mail
for Studebaker.

On the double,
Mr. Wright.
Miss Stormer, in my office.

And bring a pad
and pencil.

Great guy.

[ Door Locking ]

I didn't realize
until I watched you walk
through that door,

how incredibly beautiful
you really are.

Whatever I did,
I'm sorry.

I'm sorry, too,
that... I didn't become
a vice president sooner.

But we'll make up
for that... starting tonight?

Drinks...
to celebrate our--

Our new positions.

[ Thinking ] My natural instinct
was to punch him out.
[ Pencil Snapping ]

But as Al said, I had
to play this as Samantha.

I don't think so,
Mr. Wright.

- Buddy. Buddy.
- Buddy.

What do you mean
you don't think so?

Well, you're ma-married.

So?

So, I-I--
I don't date
married men.

I figured I was
just the fella
to change all of that.

You figured wrong.
Samantha, I understand...

playing hard to get
in the steno pool,
but you've got the job now.

I overlooked some very
eligible gals to, uh,

give it to you.

This is sexual harassment!

I don't know what that is,
but I like the sound of it.

Why don't you just
explain that to me
tonight over drinks?

Why don't you
let your wife
explain it to you?

Samantha. Samantha.

I would. Only my--

Well, my wife...
won't be sober enough...

to even say hello
when I get home tonight.

Get me Bixby's market research.
I need it for my 1 0:30.

And put on
some makeup.

You're representing
Buddy Wright out there.

[ Mouths Words ]

How's the girl
of my dreams?

You know, this is--
It's degrading.

I mean, first he--
He chases me around his office,

a-and then-- and then
he says I gotta wear lipstick!

It's a pity they didn't have
the wet look in '61 ...

'cause you would look
fabulous with wet lips.

I'm so happy
about that.

This is-- This is
hard on me, Sam.
Oh?

It's hard on me. I can't
stop thinking about you.

Time has packaged
my best friend
inside a goddess of love.

It's got me worried, Sam.
I'm talking to Dr. Beeks.

[ Gloria ]
Sam?

I've been looking
everywhere for you.

Buddy called.
He explained everything.

The reason why he didn't tell me
about the promotion was because
he wanted it to be a surprise.

He wants to marry me!
He's already married.

[ Al ]
This is why you're here, Sam.
He's leaving Gail.

He was waiting for the promotion,
so he could afford to fight
for custody of the children.

- I'm getting married!
- No, she's not.

Gloria,
''I'm leaving my wife''--

it's the oldest lie
in the book.

Don't spoil this for me.
You're my best friend.
Just be happy for me, please.

Gloria--
I gotta get back.

Culpepper'll be
screaming for me.

Oh, I'm so happy!

- What happens?
- Well, when she finds out...

Mr. Wrong won't marry her--

[ Sighs ]
she commits suicide.

[ Narrating ]
I have come to the conclusion
that women are part masochist.

It's like someone designed
a modern-day torture rack
you can wear:

from the bra,
to the stockings,
to the tight skirts,

and the shoes from hell.

They get up everyday
and perform this weird
binding ritual.

And for what?

Wow!
You look terrific.

I'm supposed
to look conservative.

[ Chuckling ]
You couldn't look
conservative if you tried.

Thanks.
Come here.

Eat your heart out,
Marilyn.

If anybody but my best friend
were working for Buddy,
I'd be worried.

Anyone else
and you'd have good reason.

Please don't.
I told you last night.
I love him and he loves me.

That's all that matters.

What about his wife
and kids?

She is a monster, Sam.

She drinks
and she fights with him.

She doesn't care about
herself or the children--

not to mention
the affair she's having
with the tennis pro at the club.

Buddy is so unhappy.
He said I'm his only hope.

Do you know how special
that makes me feel?

Gloria, you shouldn't need a man
to make you feel special.

But I do.
Why?

You are beautiful--
I'm not beautiful.

I'm cute, maybe,
but I'm not beautiful.

But you are.
And not just on the outside,

but in here,
where it counts.

Men don't want
what's in here.

They want
what you've got.

Except for Buddy.

He was the one in a million
that loved me for myself.

I wish that were so,
Gloria, but...

having just spent
a day with him, I-I--

It makes me doubt it.

Why should I believe you?

Have you ever had a man
love you for anything
besides your body?

I'm sorry.
I didn't mean that.

No, that's--
It's okay.

Oh, Sam, I love him,
and he loves me.

Don't ask me to give up
my one chance at happiness.

[ Man ]
Iacocca's got Eisenhower hawking
for him at $ 1,000 a plate!

Can you believe it?
The president
of the United States!

He's a hell of a showman.

Of course, he's gotta be...

after that A-bomb
of an Edsel last year.

I liked the Edsel.
It was a dog, Ted.

Nobody wanted a car
with a zero for a grille.

Maybe not.
But I'm not so sure...

the public wants what
we've got on the drawing boards.
What are you talking about?

[ Thinking ]
I had before me
a firsthand definition of sleaze.

Buddy had perfect hair,
perfect teeth, perfect eyes
and perfect chin.

But they weren't
the arrow that made
women like Gloria fall.

It was the velvet tones all neatly
wrapped in wit and charm.

We can't base our designs
on California, Ted.

They're avocado growers
and movie stars...

with kinky tastes...
He was a master
of manipulation,

for foreign sports cars.
and he knew it.

Yes, but they spend
more time on the freeways
than they do in their homes.

We're gonna get 'em
with our '62s.

I'm looking
down the road five, 1 0 years.
What's the public going to want then?

The same dream machines
that they want right now:

fins, chrome, flash
and horsepower.

Lots ofhorsepower.

The bigger, the better.

And wait till we put
this baby on the market.

Five-hundred cubic inches,
450 horsepower.

Three inches wider
and ten inches longer
than the biggest Caddy.

What about fuel economy?

[ Ted ]
Miss Stormer has a point.
What about it, Buddy?

What does it get,
seven miles to the gallon?

Maybe eight. But I
got that covered, Ted.

I reduced the trunk
and I enlarged the gas tank.
This baby will hold 40 gallons.

My God, what'll it cost
to fill up?

At 30 cents a gallon, $1 2.

But we're not gonna try
to market this model
to... secretaries.

Could I have a cup of coffee,
please? Ted, coffee?

Yes, black.

I like mine like my women,

hot and sweet.

[ Pencil Cracks ]

Don't even start
unless you want to eat
your teeth for lunch.

[ Cups Clattering ]
[ Chattering ]

What are you doing?

Hot and sweet.

What?

I want a beer.
A light beer.

I wanna make
some microwave popcorn.

I wanna sit down
in front of the TV,
start the VCR.

Oh, that time
of the month, huh?

Uh, no. I-I don't--
I don't think so.

I just--

I just
wanna go home.

That's what I
wanna talk to you about.
I have a huge favor to ask.

If you do this, I promise
I'll go on that double date
your mother set up tomorrow.

Double date?
Buddy wants to come by
the apartment tonight.

I thought you could
go to a movie?
No.

Please, Sam, I need
some time alone with Buddy
to plan our future.

If he's planning your future
the way he's planning this company's,
you're in trouble.

What is that
supposed to mean?

Nothing. Gloria,

I-I-I just wish
you would open your eyes.

If Buddy wants to talk,
really talk about your future,

why does it have to be
at the apartment?

I'm way over 21 , Sam.

[ Sighs ]

I just don't
want you hurt.

Does that mean ''Yes''?

Maybe.

Ahhh.

- What are you doing here?
- Oh, uh--

I-I just came
home to change clothes
and, uh, drop the iron maidens.

You don't have time.
Buddy'll be here
any minute.

Yeah, well, you know, um,

maybe the three of us
should talk about your future.

Sam, if you want me
to go on that double date...

with you tomorrow night,
you'll get out of here now!

[ Chuckles ]
About that double date.
That's another thing--

[ Knocking ]

[ Sighing ]

Ha-ha!
Oh.

[ Dog Whimpering,
Barking ]

Oh, uh, I didn't know
that you two were roomies.

If I were a different kind
of guy--

You wouldn't be here.

Samantha was just going
to the movies.

[ Buddy ]
In those?

Yeah, I thought I might just,
you know, go do a power walk
in the park.

Get a little aerobics exercise,
get the old heart rate up.

Since you're already going
for a walk, would you mind
taking Bubbles?

Samantha!
Do it for me,
please.

Thanks, doll.
See you in the morning.
[ Barking ]

The name's Samantha.

[ Chuckling ]

-[ Al ] Personally, I prefer
leaving the lights on.
- [ Barking ]

- You keep that up, tiny teeth,
and I'll feed ya to Ziggy.
- [ Growling ]

- A little testy tonight,
aren't we?
- You would be too, if--

If what?
Never mind.

Just save Madam Butterfly
up there from cashing in
her cookies...

and get back
to being a guy.

How? Gloria is convinced
that Buddy's Mr. Wonderful,

that-- that he's got
a witch for a wi--

A witch for a wife
and that she's
his only salvation.

Look, all women fall
for that one,

especially single girls
Gloria's age.

What does age
have to do with it?

She's 27 years old.
She's fighting
the biological clock.

Those little eggs are
ticking off like time bombs.

Al, a woman can have
a healthy baby
into her 40s.

I know, but people
didn't realize that in 1 961 .

We're talking
serious old maid here.

She's probably up there
shredding newspapers right now.

- I wish that's what
she was doing.
- [ Barking ]

I'm warning you!

[ Whining ]

What is your problem?

You! You!
You... hermaphrodite, you.

You're drivin' me crazy!

I'm not performing with Tina,
so she thinks I've got
somebody on the side.

Beeks is laying this load of
repressed homosexual crap on me.

And every time I see you,

I've gotta deal with... this.

[ Sighs ]
I'm outta here.
Well, you should get outta here.

I can't believe that--
Al, look out!

Yeah, close the door.

[ Growling ]
Come on, Bubbles.

Figure that Buddy would have
a dog named Bubbles.

Come here.
Come here.

This is great, you know.

Gloria won't listen to me.

My best friend's got
a crush on me,
and I'm a woman.

Whatever I did
to deserve this--
You listening to me?

I don't deserve this.

[ Sizzling ]

What a glorious morning!

There's Peeping George.

Don't you think you oughta
put a--a robe on or--

You're the one that's
always saying we should give
the little guy a thrill.

Besides, I'm too happy today
to hide anything.

Oh, for heaven's sakes, Gloria.

What has gotten
into you?
Nothing.

Nothing? You never get up
before noon on Saturday.
You never cook.

And I'm the one that's
always pulling you away
half-naked from the window.

Did Buddy tell his wife?

Oh, that's it.
Yes.

So he's moving out?

Well, not yet.
He and Gail decided...

it would be easier
on the children if they waited
until after the holidays.

Gloria, it's almost
two months till Christmas.

No, it's only a month
till Thanksgiving.

And then Christmas,
New Year's, Valentine's Day,
then President's Day--

President's Day?
And before you know it,
it's the Fourth ofJuly.

We know that a man
can't leave his wife
on the Fourth ofJuly.

It would be un-American.
I'm sure they have a family barbecue,

and I'll bet that Buddy's a whiz
at lighting charcoal with--

Stop it!Just stop it!
Buddy said he's leaving Gail
after the holidays and he will.

- No, he won't.
- What do you have,
a crystal ball?

In a way.

It's telling me that Buddy
will never leave his wife.

Buddy is not Tony!

Tony?

It's not my fault
Tony lied to you.

It's not my fault
Tony didn't leave his wife.

So don't try
and spoil it for me...

just because of what happened
to you two years ago!

[ Knocking ]

I'm sorry.

So am I.

I shouldn't have brought up Tony.
It was a mean thing to do.

No.

Now and then I...
need reminding about
things like that.

Sam, please give Buddy
a chance.

Try and see it
from my point of view.

[ Sighing ]

I'll try.

I'll tell you what.
Uh, it's a b-beautiful day.

Um, how about brunch?
At the Pump Room.

Then we'll go shopping at Horne's.
I didn't say
anything about shopping.

A blind date is
the perfect excuse
for a new dress.

I bet your mother'll
even reimburse you.

I've been thinking
about backing out of tonight.
Oh, no way!

Your mom would kill
you and me both.

We'll find a gorgeous new dress,
and then we'll splurge at the Pink Door
on a new hairdo.

It'll be the perfect
girl's day!

[ Man ] When your mother
told me she had this beautiful
daughter living in Detroit,

I thought she was exaggerating.

Mothers have a way
of doing that, but not yours.

If anything,
she understated.

You are gorgeous.

Thank you.
Dick,

I think you're
embarrassing Miss Stormer.

What woman doesn't like
being told how gorgeous she is?
Me.

Are you in
the automotive industry?
Washers.

- Clothing washers?
- No. Little rubber circles.

We make them in 7 86 sizes
out of 31 different materials.

Everything
from paper to plastic.

You'll find our washers
in every car manufactured
in Detroit.

That's fascinating.

Please,
don't encourage him.
He'll bore you to death.

I can't imagine.

See? You've been
out of the circuit too long.

He was married at 1 9,
and after 20 years,
she split on him.

My wife-- ex-wife--
had other ideas about...

what she thought
her life should be like.

And I wasn't included.

Drop the violins.
This is a night
for the future.

Isn't that right,
sweetheart?

[ Gasps ]

I have to go...
to the ladies room.

- I'll come with you.
- No.

I'd rather
go by myself.

Feisty little wench,
but I like that.

Calling somebody we know?

You. So we can talk,
and I won't look like a lunatic.
Where have you been?

I've been with Beeks.

She says I'm gonna need
five years of analysis...

before I'll be able to deal
with you as a-- a woman.

I'm not a woman!

That's what I
keep telling myself.

Al, I'm ruining
Samantha's life.

I just slugged her date
with my purse
for grabbing my knee.

He grabbed--
That dirty dog.

Would you stop that?
When am I gonna
get outta here?

When you stop Gloria
from committing suicide.

- Which is?
- Tonight.

I didn't really think that talking
to a woman after all these years...

would be so easy,
so comfortable.

Some of it has to do
with being lucky enough to find
a woman with your sensitivity.

I wasn't going to go out
on this date. Ever since Edith
asked me to move out,

I've locked myself away
in my tiny apartment,
angry at the world.

Tonight I don't
feel angry at all.

That's because of you, Gloria.
I'm glad I came.

I just wanted you to know that.
I was wondering if--

Would you excuse me
for a moment?
Sure.

Big guy, I think we got us
a couple of hot ones.

Mrs. Wright?
Yes?

We haven't met.
My name is Gloria.

Gloria Collins.

Oh, yes. Mrs. Davenport
is sponsoring you
into theJunior League.

No. Buddy's Gloria.

- His new secretary?
- No.

I just wanted you to tell you
that I know how difficult...

it's going to be
going through the divorce.

And I'm going to do everything I can
to make it easier on the children.

Sit down, Miss... Collins?

I'm going to try to do this
as gracefully as possible.

Buddy and I have
an arrangement.

He has his personal life,
and I have mine.

Now, whatever lies my husband
has obviously told you,

he will never divorce me.

Buddy is far too egotistical
to give up the status...

he acquired
when he married me.

And if he ever tries,
I will strip him to his shorts.

My advice to you, dear,
is to quietly close your
hope chest on this one,

and try
someone else's husband.

Good-bye, Miss Collins.
You will forgive me
if I don't shake your hand.

[ Sobbing ]

[ Sam ]
What happens tonight that
sends her over the deep end?

There's no data on that.
All we know...

is that on October 1 6, 1 961 ,

Gloria Collins
committed suicide by--

Samantha!

Bye, Mom.
Gloria left.

[ Together]
What?
I don't know what happened.

We were talking.
She excused herself and went
to this table in the next room.

She was talking to a rather
attractive woman,

and after a minute or so,
Gloria got very upset
and she ran out.

- Do you know them?
- Unfortunately.

[ Al ]
This is it, Sam.
Hari-kari time.

Is there
anything I can do?
Pray.

[ Thundering ]

[ Crying ]

[ Thundering ]

Gloria, it's Sam.
I'm comin' out.

I just wanna talk
to you.
Go away.

- I can't. You're my friend.
- Then let me do this.
It's my choice.

- Suicide is not a choice.
- Neither is living.

- Why not?
- I love him, Sam.

Even realizing
what a fool he made of me,
I still love him.

I can't pretend I don't.

I can't pretend
the pain I feel isn't real,
and it'll go away tomorrow.

Suicide won't
change that.

It'll end it.
[ Sobbing ]

So will time.
Only, it'll give you
a second chance.

You're not the first woman
to love the wrong man.

It doesn't matter anymore.

Gloria, Buddy's
not worth dying over!

[ Thundering ]

Is that what I'm doing?

That's what he'll think.

And he'll be right.
He'll think you're
killing yourself over him.

Do you want
to give him that?
No.

Give me your hand.

Come on, now.
Nice and slow.

Oh.
Easy.

Aaah!

It's all right.
It's all right.

Sam!

- Kick your shoes off!.
- I can't!

Grab my leg
and kick 'em off.

That's it.

Don't look down!
Oh, my God!

Look at me!

Put your
left foot toward me.
Slide it real easy.

Aren't you gonna--

Keep comin'.
Crawl over me.
No!

It's the only way.
Just do it.

[ Screams ]

Hang on!

Ah. Ah.

[ Screams ]
Grab my arm!

[ Gloria ]
Hold on!

I've got you!

I made you
some warm milk.

My mom used to bring me
warm milk on rainy nights.

Moms know best.

I don't know
about that, Sam.

She used to tell me that...

someday a Prince Charming
would come along,

and we'd get married
and buy a beautiful house...

and have a couple of kids.

She really blew that one.

You're not exactly
an old maid.

It's not gonna happen for me.

I've been waiting for nine years,
and it's just not gonna happen.

Is that what you've
been waiting for?

For a man to come
and take you away?

Why do you think I'm
in the secretarial pool?

I thought it was
because you enjoyed
what you were doing.

I hate it.

But that's the only place
you can meet eligible guys.

Like Buddy?

Gloria,
you can't use your job
as an excuse to meet guys.

I can't spend the next 30 years
in the secretarial pool either.
Then get out.

And do what?
Whatever you want.

I-- I want--

What?
I want to design cars.

[ Chuckling ]
Then do it.
Right.

I'm gonna go into the office
Monday morning and say,

''Excuse me, but I have an art degree
and that qualifies me for the design program.''

Why not?
Because.

There's never been a woman
in the program.

Well, then,

you'll have to be the first.

Do you know
how hard that would be?

Yeah, I think I do.
And you know what?

You're gonna have to be
twice as good just to be
considered an equal.

I don't know
if I can do that, Sam.

I don't know either,
but you gotta try.

You have got to be
what makes you feel good
about yourself.

And then what?

And then
maybe you'll like you.

Because if you don't
like yourself, Gloria,

no one else will either.

Except guys like Buddy,
and you're not that desperate.

I was tonight.

Thank you.

Oh, I hope when
the right guy finds you,

he realizes
what a good woman you are.

Why don't you
get some rest?

Good night, Sam.

Good night.

Ah!
Hi, cutie.

You look great
in powder blue.

I'm gonna put a bell
around your neck.
Where were you?

I was with Tina.

I thought you were having
problems with Tina.

I was but Beeks fixed that.

She got me to accept
you're my best friend,
and love is part of friendship.

Once I believed that,
I took Tina up to a little cabin
in the mountains and--

Well,you know.
Yeah.

I know.

We ever gonna be the same?

Course we are,
as soon as you leap.

Why haven't I leaped?
[ Beeping ]

Gloria's not gonna
try again, is she?

Uh, no, no, no.
She's gonna marry, uh, Parker.

The little guy?
The guy she met tonight?

Yeah. They're gonna have
a couple of kids.

They're gonna move to California.
They're gonna raise avocados.

I thought I started
women's lib. Hmph.

Well, you did in a way.

Gloria talked
Samantha into joining
the design program with her.

It turned out Samantha
had the real talent.

She ended up heading
the entire division.

Oh, and get this.
She adopted a little girl...

and started one
of the first organizations
for single parents in the country.

- She never married?
- No. What a waste.

I'm really confused now, Al.

If Gloria's okay
and Samantha's emancipated,
why haven't I leaped?

Ziggy has a fascinating
theory about that.

He says you want
to get even with Buddy...

for chasin' you around the office
and makin' you wear lipstick.

Revenge? Oh, come on.
I'm not leaping
because I want revenge?

Very... female.

[ Sam Narrating ]
Al was right.
I wanted revenge.

So I slipped
into Samantha's spiked heels,

put on the most
revealing dress I could get
my... hairy chest into,

and was ready to give Buddy
a lesson in sexual harassment
he'd never forget.

You wanted me?

How's Gloria?

In Ann Arbor, visiting
her mother for a few days.

You know, she gave me quite
a little upset Saturday night.
Well,

that's because Gloria
doesn't know how
to play the game.

And you do?

What do you think?

[ Chuckles ]
I knew it all along.

[ Laughs ]
Yeah.

I had you figured
from the start. I did.

All of that
playing hard to get
in the secretarial pool...

didn't have me fooled
for one second.

It didn't?
Nope.

You were just waiting
for the, uh, ''Wright'' man.

Was I?

All that coy, ''Oh, I don't
date married men.''

That was just
a smoke screen.

Right, baby?

You know me so well.

Buddy,

there's, um--

there's just one thing
you don't know.

Tell me, baby.

[ Whispering ]
I'm a man.

What?
I'm a man,

a male, a person
of the masculine gender.

What are you
talking about?

You're trying
to make it with a man.

[ Laughs ]

No way.
Not with this body.

Bodies can be deceiving.

You can't be a man!

Why, because I
turn you on?

W-- Yeah.
Um, ah--

I-I-I mean, no!

No. Oh, no!
I-- I, uh--

You, you were a, uh--
You mean you had a--

Y-You did
a ChristineJorgensen?

No, no. I didn't say
I used to be a man.

I said...
I am a man.

And I'll prove it to you.

No!

If you look closely,
you'll notice that
I walk like a man.

I stand like a man.

And I know things
that only a man can know.

Like what it feels like
to get kicked in the crotch,

how the pain just keeps
growing and growing.

And then that
wonderful sensation when
it finally subsides.

Or what it's like to walk
around high school
with your books in front of you...

to cover up
an embarrassing case
of pubescent hormonal overload.

You had a brother?

Does a brother tell his sister
what he did looking
at his first centerfold?

No, you stay away from me.

I thought I turned you on.

I don't have time
for this stupid game.

Speaking of games,
why don't I show you
how I throw a baseball.

Or better yet,
how I throw a punch.

Not yet. Not yet.
[ Sighing ]

[ Sighing ]
I'm ready to leap now.

(music) [ Holds Note ]

[ Applause ]

Oh, boy.