All language subtitles for Parenthood.2010.S01E05.1080p.BluRay.x264-BORDURE

So you're saying that you'll have
a baby with me in three years?

Yep.

Crosby, who is this
little fella?

I don't know. He, uh... One of the
girls up front asked me to watch him.

Are you sure
he's yours?

Because if he is, you have legal
obligations, financial obligations.

Max, you don't have to play
baseball, not after this season.

I'm not having any fun.

A.K.A. Steve Williams.
They're Facebook official.

HADDIE: Daddy,
this is Steve.

Mr. Braverman, it's really
good to meet you, sir.

Whassup?

Excuse me. Hi, do you
know where room 112 is?

Sarah Braverman?

Uh, yeah, that's me.

Hi, I'm Arnold Lee.

My daughter Sylvia's
in AP Chem with Haddie.

She raves about your daughter all the
time. She says that, uh, she's a genius.

Oh, you know what?
Haddie's my niece, actually.

Um, my daughter's
Amber Holt.

Oh.

Oh.

Well, nice to meet you.

Look, these aren't in the blue
bag, but these, right here,

have the best
salt-to-pepper ratio around.

I don't want those.
They're crinkle cut.

I want the ones in the
blue bag. KRISTINA: Max...

Any chance you saved the old bag? We
just buy these and dump them in there.

Honey, he can taste the
difference. I've tried.

Honey, honey, honey, don't talk
to him. Don't want to talk to him.

HANK: Adam!
Walk this way.

Hank, hey,
how are you?

Oh, doing what I can
with these kids. Yeah.

You left some
big cleats to fill.

Oh, I don't know
about that.

Look, uh, Adam,
I heard about your,

you know,
situation with Max.

Oh.

We were talking and...
Right.

Thought maybe, you
know... MAX: I found them.

KRISTINA: Oh, good, honey, that's
awesome. ADAM: Oh, great. Great.

Max-O! Hey!

We really miss you,
big guy!

We'd love to have you come back
on the team. Huh? What do you say?

ADAM: (STUTTERS) I don't
think that's... Sure.

He's not gonna...

I'll go back
on the team.

(CHUCKLES) All right, can
you bring it up top? Boom!

Boom.
We'll see you.

Boom, yeah, see you.
KRISTINA: Bye.

(SIGHS)

Is there any chance
that's nicotine gum?

Uh, (CHUCKLES) good eye.

Can I? Do you mind?

Of course, yes, it's
your lucky day, sure.

Thanks, I quit smoking
seven years ago.

But the gum
I can't give up.

10 years.

(LAUGHS)

You know, nothing like college prep
day to get me jonesing for nicotine.

I know, but...

Standing under the breezeway
chewing gum, you know,

doesn't really have that,
like, rebel feel.

Well, you haven't seen me
blow a bubble yet.

Whoa.
Yeah, it's pretty cool.

So, you have
kids here, huh?

Did you have them
when you were 12?

(CHUCKLES) No,
I, um, I work here.

I'm Mark Cyr,
eleventh grade English.

Ooh, I think I just gave nicotine
gum to my daughter's teacher, Amber.

Amber Holt?

Sorry, we're working on the
eye-rolling attitude, but...

(CHUCKLES) There's no
eye-rolling. She's, uh...

Amber's actually one of
my most engaged students.

Really?
Yes.

What are the rest
of them like?

They're a bunch of
drug-addled losers.

Glazed eyes. No, no,
they're a good group of kids.

You, though... You have to see the paper
that she wrote on The Sound and the Fury.

You will be
blown away.

Are you kidding?
No, it's really, really good.

Ah!

(BELL RINGING)

Um, yeah.
Wow.

I should probably go, though. Oh.

Before the Principal busts me. Okay.

All right. Thank you so
much for the gum. Thank you.

Nice to meet you.

Oh, please be careful
of the door.

(LAUGHS)

Oh.
Oh.

All hail,
the conquering hero!

(CHUCKLES)
SYDNEY: Hi, Mommy!

Hi, sweetpea!

Wow, that smells delicious,
babe. Aw, thank you.

Mmm-hmm.

Hey, I thought you had a
play-date with Harmony today?

Yeah, she's
in my room.

We're playing "The
Princess and the Maid."

How do you play?

Well, Harmony's the
princess and I'm the maid.

Oh. (CHUCKLES) Oh, wow.

How do you get to choose who's
the princess and who's the maid?

Well, Harmony's
always the princess.

And you're
always the maid?

No, sometimes I'm the
cook or the gardener.

Oh, and sometimes
I'm the royal dresser.

Oh, wow.

Sweetie...
(BELL JINGLES)

Princess Harmony needs
something, I have to go.

Don't look at me.
I'm always the cook.

Hmm.

DOCTOR: The good news is
you're in very good health.

Blood work looks fine,
low blood pressure.

Yeah, she works
out all the time.

The only thing I'm concerned about
are the slightly elevated FSH levels.

FSH?

Follicle Stimulating Hormone.

The higher the level, the more
difficulty we have in ovulating.

Am I infertile?

No, no, no.
Nothing like that.

Okay, but I can still get
pregnant within three years?

In three...
In three years.

Well, given your
FSH levels,

and the real decline in fertility
that occurs between 34 and 37,

I suggest you think about
moving your timetable up.

Mmm-hmm.
Uh, by how much?

Now. I think now would be
a good time for us to start.

(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY) You
think now would be a good...

(ALL APPLAUDING)

Hey, Adam, Max's
shirt's hanging out.

Yeah. It's okay, Mom.

Yeah, why doesn't
somebody tuck it back in?

Mom, it's fine.
He's fine.

Better than my kid,

I have to tell him ten
times a day to tie his laces.

Ah.

Listen, by the way, Adam,

if you guys need anything, help with
meals, rides to school, anything.

Thanks, Scott. We can still
feed and clothe ourselves.

What a jackass.

(CELL PHONE CHIMES)

Can I go over to
Steve's house tonight?

Because Marjorie and Dale
are making personal pizzas.

No, no, we're going over to Grandma
and Grandpa's for dinner, you know that.

Well, he can join us.
Who? I don't think...

That's okay.
You don't have to say that.

It's a done deal.

(HADDIE CHUCKLES)

(BAT PINGS)

(ALL EXCLAIMING)

Call it, Max! Call it!
Okay, okay! Okay!

I got it! I got it!
Hey!

Call it, Max!
MAX: Hey! Hey!

(GRUNTS)

It's okay, Max. You just have to
stand there, that's what Coach said.

It's okay. Good try!

Oh, no one told you,
I like mine julienned,

with the fancy edges.
Oh!

Hey, did you
take the test?

The test?

The paternity test?
That one?

Oh, right, right.

Okay, did you at least
tell Katie about Jabbar?

No, it's a bad time for her.

Her follicles
are over-stimulated.

Adam, you knew about
this whole Jabbar thing.

You didn't tell him
to get a paternity test?

It's his life. I figured he'd get
around to it when he was ready.

But he's a child. So...

She makes a really
good point, Adam.

You might have dropped
the ball on this one.

Crosby, I'm serious.
I'm... I'm really...

You have to
get the test.

Yes.
Uh-huh.

There are serious financial
and legal ramifications.

You know, sometimes, you
sound so much like a lawyer.

The water's high. So,
now, you go under the arch.

Okay, so turn right
and go under this arch

and the water's coming, so... Hey, Max.

Watch out, he's going
to blast... Ooh, yeah!

Yo, Max.
You can win.

Hey, Max, what do you say we get
a little practice in before dinner?

Make sure you're ready next
time a pop up comes your way.

He's right
behind you!

Uh, do you have
an extra glove?

Yeah, you can
borrow mine.

Uh, hey, Max, want
to go play baseball?

Cool.
All right.

All right, remember,
two hands, Max.

You can get it.
All right.

Throw it over
to Drew.

All right, you want to stay
in front of the ball, Drew.

All right, got it.
Got it.

You got a good arm.

Oh, thanks.

All right, remember,
two hands, Max.

Two hands, Max.
Two hands.

I know!
ADAM: All right.

Hey. Hey, Max, come here,
here. Throw me the ball.

Watch, you see?

When it goes into the glove, put your hand
over it, so that it stays in the glove.

All right?
Okay.

All right.
Here we go.

Like that?

Just like that, Max!
Just like that!

Perfect.
(CAR DOOR CLOSES)

KRISTINA: Hi, honey.
ADAM: Hey.

Hi, Drew.

Hey, Dad.

What's up, Adam?
Hey.

DREW: (WHISPERS) God.

You know, I thought he was a loser
before he started dating Haddie.

Oh, Amber.
Hmm?

I hear you're turning into
quite the English scholar.

How did you hear? Was it the
skywriter that my mom hired,

or was it the full page ad
she took out?

It was the billboard
on San Pablo, of course.

Listen, don't worry
about that.

There's nothing that travels faster than
word of a Braverman's accomplishments.

And, seriously, an "A"
from Mr. Cyr. Nice going.

Yeah, he's supposed
to be really hard.

Thanks, dude.

Uh, Camille, (SIGHS) This crisp
is amazing. Do I sense some nutmeg?

Yeah, Camille,
what is it?

Very good.

"Camille"?
"Camille"?

It took me two years
to call her that.

I still can't.

Can I call her Camille?
No.

He's a keeper, huh?

Hey, Cammy? Cammy-Cam, can we
get a little vanilla ice cream,

go a la mode
on this crisp?

I think he's sweet.
He seems like a nice guy.

Yeah, he does.
SARAH: Yeah, right.

He's cute.
Definitely cute.

JULIA: He's cute.
SARAH: He's really cute.

Isn't he?

No. No, no, no, no, no.
It's sick.

Okay, she looks at him like some
sort of doe-eyed Disney character.

Yeah, dude, that's what teenage
girls look like, when they're in love.

She's not in love!

Yeah, well,
you're a moron.

Oh, ouch.

Do you remember Sarah with
Seth when she first met him?

Oh, my God. "Oh, I just loved
your cover of In Your Eyes.

"Your solo
totally kicked ass."

The hair flip.

Yes, no, it's a flip...
It's a forward move.

"Camille, this crisp is so
delicious. Is there nutmeg in it?"

He's just
such a little...

A little what?

You know, seriously, if just one
girl had actually had a crush on you,

you wouldn't be
freaking out.

I did.
Well, Crosby,

you seem to forget
about Lisa Rainford

who stalked me
my entire junior year.

Who's that? I remember her sister Judy,

who I snuck into the
merry-go-round with at Tilden Park.

Oh, man, what a party.

You hooked up
in the merry-go-round?

Yeah, I hooked up
on the merry-go-round.

How could you focus?

Weren't you afraid of
getting... SARAH: Wait a minute.

...arrested? You didn't hook
up on the merry-go-round?

(STUTTERING) Everybody hooked up
on the merry-go-round, even Adam.

What?

Okay, well, my fear of jail outweighed
my desire to hook up in a spinning cup.

What are you saying,
I squandered my youth?

I was just
a rule follower?

I was just studying
for stupid tests?

I didn't say that,
but I agree with that.

I was just saying it was
a good place to hook up.

Amber's a really
good writer.

SARAH: Really?
Yeah, you didn't read this?

No, I just took the "A"
at face value.

"The pivotal character, Caddy,
is seen only through the gaze

"of her brothers
and only in silhouette,

"running, vanishing,
forever elusive,

"forever out of reach, a
reflection of their desires."

That was nice.
Yeah, you like that?

Whitman-esque.
Yeah.

Uh...
CROSBY: Gentle breeze.

Wait a minute. This
is not Amber's paper.

This is my paper,
from high school.

Amber copied my paper.

What?

(LAUGHS)

That's impossible.
She got an "A".

CROSBY: I copied the same
paper three years later.

Bitch.

Hello? Wake up!
Wake up!

Look what I found
in the attic.

Oh, it's my old paper
on The Sound and the Fury.

Are you kidding me
with this?

I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.

It's just that the book
was so confusing, and...

Oh, no.
I just found that.

It was just laying there, and
Mr. Cyr is really, really hard.

Well, I can only
imagine, then,

what his reaction is
going to be when I tell him

that you did not
write this paper.

Wait, what? No, no, no.
You can't tell him.

Can't you just... Can't
you just punish me, please?

No, I can't punish you,

because I ran out of good
punishments for you in Fresno.

We'll have to see what he
comes up with. Good night.

Wait. But...

(SIGHS)

Hi, there.

Hey.

Thank you so much. I just
needed to, uh, talk to you today

about Amber's paper.

Oh, cool. I'm...
I'm glad you read it.

Yeah. Oh, yeah,
I read it.

It's one of the most original,
insightful papers I've ever read.

Really?
Yeah.

I mean, what she wrote about, um,
Caddy's evolution, from a girl who loved

climbing trees to promiscuous
teen, was really moving.

You didn't find it, uh,
over the top or misguided

like another
teacher might?

No, no. I mean, I...

Well, I love it when my
students think outside the box.

It's what makes the
whole thing worth it.

Hmm.

That and the free
cafeteria food.

God, is that good?
It's so good.

With a ladle. I eat all
my food out of ladles.

(BOTH CHUCKLING)

You know, there aren't that many
parents that take this kind of interest.

So, no wonder
Amber's so special.

She obviously
gets it from you.

Um, well, look, uh, college
applications are right around the corner

and if,

for what it's worth, I'd love
to write her a recommendation.

I mean, really?
Yeah.

You think she could go to college?

Yeah, no question.

Wow.

Is there anything else
you want to talk to me about?

No.

Well, nice
to see you.

Nice to see you.
Oh, gosh!

I am late for work.

Okay.

So, I'll be
going there.

I'm a bartender
at Whiskey Mike's.

(STAMMERING) Why am I
telling you that?

I guess, you know what,
I'm trying to impress you.

It worked.
Okay.

I'll see you
around, Sarah.

I hope so.
I mean, okay, bye.

Oh, can I try some?

Sure, sweetie.

Hey, you know
what I was thinking?

Next time you and Harmony have a
play date, you should be the princess.

But, I don't even want
to be the princess.

Well, you've
never tried it.

You're going to love it.

And you know,
I bet you,

Harmony would love to
have a little break, too.

(SIGHS) Okay,

but I might
kind of forget.

Why don't we come up
with a code word?

All right,
to help you remember.

Okay.
Yeah.

How about "tiara"?

Okay, "tiara."

Good.

Hey, kiddo, what are you reading about?

Stink bugs.

Great.

Well, what do you say
we head outside

and toss the ball
around a little bit?

No, thanks.

(PHONE RINGING)

Hello.

Oh, uh, hey, Adam.
It's me, Drew.

Oh, Drew. Hi.

Hey. Um, hey, I just
wanted to let you know

you left your baseball
gear here yesterday, so...

Oh, okay. I'll get it
next time I come over.

Yeah, uh, well,
also, I mean,

if you want to practice
again, today I'm free.

Oh, okay.

Hey, Max, it's Drew.

He wants to know if you
want to play some ball.

Sure.

All right, Drew. It sounds
like we've got a plan.

All right, yeah.
Yeah, bye.

Ready?

Ow.

All right, ready?

All right, keep that glove
down now, all right?

Hit.
All right, remember

to keep those knees bent now.
Keep that glove down.

Get it! Get it!
Come on, Max!

All right. Can I go
get a drink of water?

Yeah, just
hustle back, okay?

All right, Drew,
you ready?

Are... Are you ready?
What?

Yeah. All right, let's see what you got.

All right, pretend that
didn't happen, Drew.

What was that?

Look away. Pretend
that didn't happen, buddy.

All right.

All right! That's what I'm
talking about. Good stuff.

Did you see that?

Let's see, are you ready?
Let's see what you got.

Let's see what you got.

Get under it!

Yeah! Nice.

Come on.

Hey, you.
Hey.

Just wondering why you
didn't come into work today.

Oh, uh, they cancelled
the session.

Yeah, but there's
still stuff to do,

and you usually
stop by and...

I just started noticing that maybe
you've been laying a little low,

since our visit
with Doctor Gerard.

Have I?

But he kind of
freaked me out, too.

(CHUCKLES) Was it that he wants all
three of us to have a kid together?

Oh, God, I know.

But, you know,
I've been thinking,

and it's not like three
years is that far away.

And, you know, we're in
a good place, right?

Yeah, we are.

And I know
that's not our deal,

which I will honor.

But there's really nothing holding
us back from starting right now.

So, if you're willing,
so am I.

Well, what did he say?
Was he mad?

Was he upset?
Was he sad?

Well? What happened?

I didn't tell him.

Because he's
so cool, right?

No, not 'cause
he's so cool.

Because he believes
in you.

And for some stupid reason, so do I.

You'd better not
let us down.

I totally won't.

You owe me a paper on
The Sound and the Fury.

Wait... And it better be original
and insightful and moving.

Hey, hope you don't mind, I
borrowed Drew for a little while.

Hey, that's okay.

Hey, Drew, see you
tomorrow at the ballpark,

a little
batting practice.

Yeah.
Here.

But... It's yours.

Well, just take good
care of it. Keep it oiled.

I'll see you tomorrow.

Bye, Drew.

Thanks, bye.

(WHISPERING)
Okay, okay, okay.

Hey.
Hey.

(CHUCKLES)
Um...

Jabbar is actually out
at a sleepover, right now.

Well, I actually... I didn't
know you were coming by.

...came to talk
to you, so...

Oh, okay.

Um...

I want to get a paternity
test. You know, for Jabbar.

What?
Well, I'm just...

I'm trying to make
some big life decisions,

and my little sister, who acts like
she's older than me, but isn't...

Anyway, she's a lawyer and she
says that I should know for sure.

So, you think I'm lying?

No, no, no, no.
I just need to know

exactly what my, uh...
What did she say?

Exactly what my
responsibilities are

financially and
legally speaking.

I didn't
introduce you to him

to try and hit you up for
money, or to pull some scam,

or whatever it is you and
your sister think I'm up to.

I just wanted my son to
know his father. That's all.

Yeah, I don't... Listen,
(SIGHS) This was a mistake.

Yeah, it was.

Can we just rewind and forget
about this conversation?

No, you know what, actually,
you just need to go.

Okay, you just
need to go.

All right, look,
hey, wait!

What? Are Jabbar and I still
on for the zoo tomorrow?

I don't think so.

You don't think so.

All right, that was...
That was great.

(SIGHS)

(HADDIE LAUGHING)

(INDISTINCT CHATTERING)

I don't know. It's so random. (GIGGLES)

KRISTINA: Hey, Haddie?

Mom? Mom.
What's all the...

Whoa, Kristina,
looking good.

(EXHALES)

Hey, Steve.
Um, you know what,

Haddie has to
log off the computer.

Oh, yeah, no problemo.
Uh, T. T. Y.L.

You know the rule.
No computer after 10:00.

No, actually, you guys
said the phone.

I don't think that the "Braverman
Taliban" has outlawed the computer.

Okay, whatever. You broke the
spirit of the rule, of the phone

with the computer.
Whatever.

Haddie! Do not walk away from
me when I'm talking to you.

What's going on?

You know what, maybe
you guys could learn

a few parenting tips
from Steve's parents.

Rule number one being, "Give your
kids just a little bit of privacy."

Hey, you know what, Haddie?

(DOOR BANGS SHUT)

You all right?
No, I'm not.

I hate Steve's parents.
I hate them.

Yeah, me, too.

JULIA: Hey, did you talk to
Jasmine about the paternity test?

Hey, yeah, I did.
And, man, it went great.

Good. You want me to set up an
appointment with my guy for you and Jabbar?

Oh, no, no, you don't have
to go to all that trouble.

Uh, because thanks to you
telling me how to live my life,

Jasmine now thinks
I'm a giant jackass,

and doesn't want me
anywhere near Jabbar.

Oh, and Katie's going off the pill
tomorrow, too. So, that's great news.

Wow, well, I don't know how
all of that is exactly my fault,

but don't you think that,
that's suspicious?

That Jasmine freaked out
when you brought up the test.

Yeah, or maybe it's because
I basically called her a liar.

You just want
to know the truth.

Yeah, and she said
I was the father.

And then refused to let
you corroborate that.

"Corroborate"? Did you just really
use that word in a normal conversation?

Cros, just find something
that has Jabbar's DNA on it.

Oh, come on.

Just find a comb with
a few strands of hair,

a tissue, a cup he
drank out of. All right?

A sample of saliva or hair.
My guy will run the test.

Mmm-hmm. And then
we know for sure?

And then you'll know
for sure.

And the longer you wait, the
harder it's going to be to find out,

no matter
which way it goes.

Pot roast.

Just so you know...
Yeah?

Today, on me.

Break a decades-old tradition?
Why start now?

I'm trying to be nice, 'cause
you're being so nice about Drew.

Are you kidding me? I should be
thanking you. He's a great kid.

Seriously. Thank you.

You're welcome.

Tell you what, if you
really want to thank me,

you can help me figure out what
to do about Yo-Yo and Haddie.

He's constantly
touching her.

(GROANS) Well, I don't
know. Don't ask me.

Amber just makes out in a
car like a normal teenager.

I swear, this kid's got,
like, eight hands.

Well, maybe it's a compliment, you know.

He's showing you how
comfortable he feels around you.

Well, that is exactly the
opposite of how I want him to feel.

He's like
"Gropey Groperson."

Hey, maybe the more
they do it in public,

the less they do it in
private. It's just a theory.

It's not helping.

Hey, where's Crosby? I keep calling
him, he doesn't call me back.

I don't know, he's just busy
doing Crosby stuff, I guess.

Like what?

There's nothing going on.
It's just...

You're the worst liar.

All right, look,
this is big news, okay?

(GASPS)

Crosby has a son.

(BLOWS RASPBERRY)
Shut up.

I thought you were actually
telling me something.

I'm serious.
Listen to me,

he has a five-year-old boy
named Jabbar.

There's no way you
could make up that name.

I'm serious.
He has a little boy, okay?

Since when?
Since five years ago.

No, since when
have you known?

Mmm, a couple of weeks.

A couple of weeks? Don't make it about
the fact that you haven't known...

How could you
keep that from me?

You're the worst liar
in the family.

He asked me not
to tell anybody.

And you actually did
that? It's a big deal.

I can't believe
you've known this.

Would you get over it?
You know now.

I can't believe
you didn't tell me.

Don't hit me.

RACQUEL: And I got
the organic kiwis.

Harmony won't eat the
conventionally grown ones.

Oh.

Pomegranate juice?

Oh, no thanks, I'm fine.

Sydney, "tiara."

Um, Harmony, can I try to
be the princess this time?

But I'm always
the princess.

But maybe I can try being
the princess this time.

Okay.

HARMONY: What do you
want to do?

I don't know.

Maybe you want to tell your
subjects there's a ball.

Um, there's going
to be a ball.

I don't want
to go to a ball.

Balls are boring.

Yeah, I thought so, too.

(CLEARS THROAT)

HARMONY:
Hey, do you know what?

I think the maid's really a Queen
who's been working undercover.

And now,
she's staging a coup.

How do you know
what a coup is?

My mom told me that's
what happened in Thailand

when everyone got
tired of the king.

She's fascinated by Southeast Asia. Oh.

She couped me, Mommy. And I didn't
even want to be the princess.

It's okay, sweetie,
I know. I know.

We can't make our children
into people they're not.

Thanks. That's
very Buddhist.

Hey, has anybody
seen the bat?

(TV PLAYING)

What's up, Adam?

We're just
watching a movie.

Oh, well, don't you guys
have any homework to do?

No, all done.

(SIGHS)

Hey, have either of you seen
a baseball here on the sofa?

No.
You sure?

Because I could swear...

Dad, what are you doing?
It's just us.

I'm sorry.
(CHUCKLES)

No, no, no. We would know if we were...

Because you can't play
baseball without the ball.

So, just can't find it.

I guess I must have left
it in the car. Hmm. So...

All right, Max,
let's get in the car.

It's time to go
play some ball.

But today is Saturday.

Uh-huh.

You promised me last week that we
could go to Yogurtland on Saturday.

Well, today, we're working
on our batting with Drew.

But it's Saturday.

Yeah, I know.

We're supposed to go today. You said
we were going to Yogurtland on Saturday.

Listen, Max,
we can go after.

They're going to be
closed after.

Look, Max, okay, look,
if you can just hold off...

You said
we were going today!

Listen, okay...

You said we were going to
Yogurtland on Saturday! Max, Max...

Hey, Adam, if you want,
I could totally take him.

I'll take him.

All right, Max, come on.
Let's, uh...

Let's go to Yogurtland.
Come on. Kristina!

(CELL PHONE RINGING)

Hey.
Hey, Drew, it's Uncle Adam.

Listen, we're not going to be able
to make practice today. I'm sorry.

Uh, oh, yeah, okay.

It's just... I'd promised Max we
were going to have yogurt today and...

Dad! Dad!
...it's a long story.

Yeah, it's fine.
We can just, um...

You're passing it! Dad!
I know. I have to park.

You just missed a
spot, Dad. Right there!

Drew, I gotta go.
Right there!

I'm sorry, I'm going to
have to call you later.

(DOOR SLAMS)

Hello.

Hello.

How are you?

Great, glad
you could make it.

Oh, and pass up an
opportunity for free pancakes?

Are you crazy?

Well, I don't know
about that. Thank you.

Wait, you're reneging
already on the pancakes.

Well, we'll just see.

Well, let me see,
I'll tell you.

What's new with you?

Mmm, nothing.

Nothing? Hmm.

Oh, my God. Julia told
you that I have a son.

Julia knows.

Adam told you?
Julia knows?

This, you know...

I'm the last to know?
I mean...

I'm sorry, okay. I'm...

(STAMMERING) It's kind of
a major situation.

I know.

And I don't know, a bit of
a conundrum... You're right.

And normally, I would
tell you. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.
Congratulations.

I mean, are you...
Is it a congratulations?

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean,
at first, no. But, yeah...

Yeah. I like him.
You do like him?

Yeah, you will, too.

That's lucky.
I know.

Well, he could
have been a dud.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

That's amazing.
Yeah.

What's he like?

Um, he's really sweet.

And he's kind of quiet.

And he's got
a really cute smile.

And he's got really cute curly
hair. I know. It's the worst.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

Did you tell Katie?

Mmm, no. No.
No?

What about the can
of sperm and Katie?

No, you got
to tell her.

You're all
grown up now.

There's no canister
of sperm anymore.

She wants my kid,
like now.

Then you're really going
to have to tell her.

Mmm, I don't know...

Crosby, you guys are
talking about having a child,

and you have one already.
You have to tell her.

Look, what if I tell her, and then she
doesn't want anything to do with me?

You got to leave that
up to her, you know?

You have to do
the right thing.

I don't really
want these anymore.

One chocolate
with only yellow M&Ms.

And one non-fat, sugar-free
Heath bar with extra Oreo.

Yes, I am fully aware of
the irony of my order, honey.

Don't make fun.

You're telling me that you
seriously just didn't like the movie?

It shouldn't be called
Love Actually,

it should be called
"Lame Actually."

It was just a bunch of people
gazing at each other longingly.

It was
totally romantic.

STEVE: No, it was
totally superficial.

I can't believe
you couldn't see that.

HADDIE: I can't believe that you're
just being such a jerk right now!

(WHISPERS) Hey.

Oh, really? I'm a jerk? How am I
being a jerk by having my own opinion?

My bad.

Okay, you know what?
Your bad.

You can leave.

Fine.
Fine.

(DOOR OPENING)

KRISTINA: Haddie,
are you all right?

Yeah, um,
we're just, um...

He's...

He's just not who
I thought he was.

(CRYING)

Oh, Haddie.

Crap.

This may be the best
moment of my life.

You're rotten.

So, how did "Operation
Dethrone Harmony" go?

It was a disaster.

Yeah? Harmony
wouldn't abdicate?

No, Sydney hated
being the princess.

Well, there's nothing wrong with
staying a member of the proletariat.

It's my fault, too.
I made her do it.

I'm such a control freak,
aren't I?

All right, this is where
you say, "No, you're not,

"you were just trying to teach your
daughter to stand up for herself."

Does telling me
exactly what I should say

make you feel like
less of a control freak?

(SCOFFS)
All right, fine, fine.

This is who I am.
I am going to accept it.

I'm a control freak. I don't
do anything spontaneous,

like hook up on the
merry-go-round in Tilden Park.

(CHUCKLES) No! That's
still bothering you?

No, it's...
Oh, come on!

...not. Come on. You're very crazy.

You do crazy stuff.

I do?

Yes. Yes.
We're very wild.

We went on that
river rafting trip.

Remember, there were...
There were rapids?

There weren't rapids.

There weren't rapids, but
there was a current, you know.

It was a very strong
current. (CHUCKLES)

(SIGHS)

I'm going to go
check for a pulse.

Come on. No, come...

We went on a parasailing
trip for our honeymoon!

That was...
Well, I went on it.

But you were right on
the shore, cheering me on.

(GUNS FIRING ON VIDEO GAME)

No, thanks, I got it.

You know, if you're going to make
me read this incomprehensible book,

the least you could do
would be to ask Luke Skywalker

to turn down the volume.

What are you doing here?

I thought you were playing
ball with Uncle Adam.

Yeah, he canceled.

I don't know, he had to take Max
to get ice cream or something.

I don't know.

Ice cream?

What do you mean?
You guys had a plan.

Yeah, I don't know.

(SIGHS)

Well, what about the
environmental implications

of dumping this much
estrogen into the bay?

Don't worry,
it's very low dosage.

Okay,

goodbye to all the
devices, and barriers,

and hormones that I've
been using all these years

to avoid
getting pregnant.

And hello to,
cross my fingers,

I hope I'm not jinxing
anything, a little, mini

Katie-Crosby being.

Um, listen, before you
throw this into the bay,

and sterilize all the fish,
I got to tell you something.

I have a son.

What?

I have... I have a son.

I had a fling five-and-a-half
years ago with his mother,

and a month-and-a-half ago,

she moved back to Berkeley
and introduced me to him.

His name's Jabbar.

Um, wow.

I'm really sorry I didn't
tell you about it. You know...

I was just trying
to get to know him.

And I didn't know
what the right time...

Was this the little boy that
you brought to the studio?

Yes, that was him.

You didn't
introduce him to me.

No, I did not. I didn't
introduce him to you.

You know, it was... It was
confusing. I don't know what...

Well, I'm sure
it was confusing,

but you've also been sneaking
around, and hiding him, and...

And keeping him from me
for over a month.

I'm sorry I didn't
tell you right off the bat.

But you've been a little bit
psycho about this whole baby thing.

Psycho? That's what you call
wanting to have a baby is?

Because I thought that was
something that we both really wanted.

I didn't mean to...

No, you know, I can't keep pushing you.

It's not fair
to either of us.

(SIGHING) You can't answer the question

why you blew Drew off?

Well, it's not
that simple, Sarah.

It's not that hard, Adam. You'd said
you'd meet him at the baseball diamond,

just meet him
at the baseball diamond.

Look, at some point
in the distant past,

I had promised Max that I would take
him to Yogurtland this afternoon.

I forgot about it,
he didn't.

And you can't just change plans
on Max, because he falls apart.

He's not the only kid who
has been dealt a rough hand.

I know.

All Drew has done
his whole life

is sit around and wait
for his father to show up.

Wait for him at school,
wait for him after soccer,

wait for him
on whole weekends

that were his weekends to take
them, and he would never show up!

And the last thing he needs is
another half-assed father figure!

Half-assed?

(SIGHS)

I would have loved to have gone
to the ballpark this afternoon.

It was
because of your son

that I got to go to the
ballpark in the first place.

And these last few days
have been great,

playing ball
with those boys.

It was almost like

Max didn't have
a situation.

And that's what was so
hard about this afternoon.

I'm sorry.

(SIGHING)
The last couple days,

it was almost like
Drew had a father.

Thanks to you.

He's a good ballplayer.

Really?
Mmm-hmm.

Prepare to be
whisked away.

Hi, honey.

Your mother is
watching Sydney tonight.

I have a brief
due in the morning.

Don't worry, I've got it all under
control, so you don't have to.

Oh, boy.

Come on. Come.

(CHUCKLES)

(FENCE RATTLING)

They're closed.

Yeah, that's
the point, Jules.

That way we have the
whole pool to ourselves.

I mean, that's trespassing. Is it?

No, I mean,
it's a misdemeanor.

Oh, my God.
Well, what?

They could charge us with breaking
and entering, and then something more.

They could. They probably could. Joel.

We could get into a lot
of trouble, wouldn't we?

Here, come on.

Come on, Braverman.

God.

Hey.
Hey.

Amber didn't drive you
to drink, did she?

Oh, no, no. Not exactly.
But, um, I will have a beer.

Yeah.
Something in an ale.

Sure.

I'm gonna have to see
your ID though, bar policy.

Oh, okay.

Uh-huh. (CHUCKLES)
Oh, really?

Please don't hold the
eyebrow piercing against me.

It was a drunken
college dare.

1983.

Yup.

(CLEARS THROAT)

So...
So, uh,

Amber told me
about the paper.

Oh, she did?

I'm really impressed.
I couldn't tell you.

And her new paper
wasn't half bad, either.

It doesn't seem like something
that came off the Internet, does it?

(CHUCKLING) No, no, no.
It sounded just like Amber.

There's not a lot of downloaded
papers that use the word "suck"

with such frequency.

(LAUGHING) Wow.

It was good.
That's great.

I'm... I'm proud of her.

Of course, it wasn't,
uh, nearly as captivating

and insightful
as that first paper.

So, an eyebrow
piercing, hmm.

Hmm.

It begs the question,
tattoos?

No, no, no.
No tattoos.

(CRINKLING)

Hey.
Hey.

Jabbar left this
at my place last time.

And I was going to take it to my
sister's DNA guy, but then I thought

Jabbar's oral hygiene is a lot
more important than that, so...

(SIGHS)
I get it. I get it.

You know, we don't really
know each other very well.

And I just dropped this
thing right on your lap.

You have every right
to want to know for sure.

Yeah, I know for sure.

I know.

But let's just
take the test anyway.

Let's make your
annoying sister happy.

That's impossible, but...

We can try.
...we can try.

JULIA: If they prosecute me for
trespassing with criminal intent,

that's considered a felony.
Uh-huh.

I could be disbarred.
Ah.

I don't even
want to think about

what kind of fine
or jail time that entails...

I wouldn't. You would
have to go back to work.

(GROANS)

Which would mean there's
no one to watch Sydney,

because I'm in jail, so...

And... No, no, no,
no, no, no! (LAUGHING)

(JULIA SCREAMING)

(LAUGHING)

Chocolate chip pancakes?

Mmm-hmm.

Just trying to, you
know, cheer Haddie up

after everything that
happened with Steve yesterday.

(CELL PHONE BEEPING)
HADDIE: Oh, my God. Stop.

Mmm. She seems to be
taking it pretty well.

Hey, Haddie.

Morning.

Hi.

Who are you texting?

Steve.
Hmm?

Oh.
I know.

Um, he totally admitted that he
was wrong about Love Actually.

Oh.
Really?

Mmm-hmm. The movie
really shut him down

because he's been afraid
to care about somebody

the way that Mark cares about
Keira Knightley, like, till now.

And he was just masking his
vulnerability with cynicism.

That's cute.

I know.
That's cute.

He's really sensitive.

Oh. That's nice.

(CELL PHONE BEEPING)

(CHUCKLES)
What'd he say?

What? What is it?
What'd he say?

What's he saying?

Nothing.

Oh, okay. All right, well, what
are we going to do about this?

Nothing.
Nothing?

Nothing. It is what it is and
there's nothing we can do about it.

Well, can I still
hate the guy?

(PEOPLE CHEERING)

KRISTINA:
Pay attention, Max!

Come on, Max!

Max, please.

Get under it!

Come on, Max!

Got it!
I got it!

(ALL CHEERING)

Drew!

Drew!

Aw, come on.