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All right.
I hope you're ready.

Put your hands together
and make some noise

for Dewayne White!

What's up, Hanover?
How you guys doing?

Hell, yeah!

Oh!

I've had a lot of fun today.
You guys are fucking really into Bigfoot though.

Can we just talk about the...

That shit is everywhere.
It is ridic...

I don't know
what your deal is,

but you guys love
that son of a bitch. Okay, cool.

Hey, man. We're so excited
to be doing a special here.

A lot of people asked me like,
"Why are you doing a special in Hanover, PA?"

I was like,
"Just I love the small towns."

I came from a small town,
yeah, out here, you know.

And I love it 'cause now I live
outside of D.C. in Virginia

and I can tell jokes here
I cannot tell in D.C.

Right?
No, like I tell hunting jokes.

We got hunters
in the crowd tonight? Anybody hunt out here?

-Whoo!
- Yeah, a few of you. Good.

Yeah, no, 'cause I can't tell
hunting jokes in D.C.

'cause you tell that,
there's always a 22-year-old white girl walking up to me

after the show like,
"There's no reason to ever kill an innocent animal."

I'm like,
"Enjoy your wings, bitch. Uh, I don't know."

It's bullshi...

When I first moved to Virginia,
it was weird to hunt there

'cause we used to have
weird hunting laws on the books.

Like, it used to be illegal,
swear to God,

to hunt on Sundays
in the state of Virginia.

'Cause apparently
our deer need Jesus.

What?

And that's bullshit 'cause,
you know, like how do you know the deer are Christian?

I hunt on Fridays a lot.

That's the Muslim
holy day, right?

So, I had to come up
with a plan.

I'm out there on a Friday,
a deer walks by. I'm like,

"Hey...

Salam alaykum."

And that deer's like,"alaykum salam."

Then I let him go.

If that deer's like,
"Why don't you go back to where you fucking came from."

'Cause that's
a Westboro Baptist deer.

And I'm done...

I'm done with these
homophobic deer's bullshit. -

All right, you guys went with me
on homophobic deer. That's good. I didn't know...

I didn't know how that
was gonna go, man. You guys...

You guys are fun.
We're gonna have a good time tonight.

We're gonna
have a good time.

Let's see what we got tonight.
We got parents in the crowd?

Who's got kids out here? Yeah.

You guys, this is...
That is a tired ass clap.

You didn't even...
You just clapped once. You're like, "Fuck."

That was awesome, dude.

Let's do this a different way.
If you have kids that have already moved out,

make some noise.
How about that? -

Yeah. Yeah, you hear that?

That's a different
energy, right? -

That's people that fuck
during the day. That's what that is.

That's just...

Those people fuck at lunch,
they can take a nap afterwards. That's what that is right there.

That's awesome.

That's the best, dude.
That's good.

I have kids.
I have freakin' kids.

That's...
I don't know. I have kids...

I don't wanna
bring the room down,

but my kids, they suffer from
this medical condition.

Some of you
may have heard of it.

Uh, they're what's known as,
uh, freakin' stupid.

You guys heard of it? Good.
We're trying to raise awareness. We're trying...

We're doing a 5K for 'em
this weekend. It's gonna be awesome.

It's gonna be rough.

That's dumb.

Uh, but, and I know it sounds
mean to say it, like,

my kids are stupid,
but I'll give you an example.

Uh, last week, my son
and his best friend

stood in our front yard
and argued for 20 minutes...

about whether or not
it was raining.

If you're like,
"Oh, that's cute. Little guys."

Uh, he is a senior...

In college.
In college.

It does make sense,
he goes to Mississippi State. So, he gets extra credit. Yeah.

No, I want my money back.
That's good.

They get extra credit
if they spell the state without the song.

It's awesome. It's good.

It's good.

I have had
a shitty week this week. I'm not gonna lie.

This week,
my kids found my drugs.

Yeah, it's like...

But, my daughter was pissed.

She comes up, she's like,
"What is this?"

I'm like, "That is Lipitor."

And...

- She goes, "What's that?"
- I'm like, "It keeps my heart from killing me."

She's like, "What's this?"
And I go, "That is Prozac."

"And that keeps me
from killing you."

"So... Right?" -

And then the neighbors
and myself, it's a whole thing. It's good.

Anybody on the Insider
presence in here?

We got white women
in here tonight? Yeah, okay.

Oh, stop, you know...

White women be like,
"Let's take a handful of Prozac

and go to an escape room.
It'll be great."

I know how that goes.

I got diagnosed with depression
during the pandemic.

So, band wagon.
Whatever.

It's fine. It's fine, but...

We went in
to get the drugs and my doctor, she goes,

"Let me tell you
about the side effects."

She goes,
"It can cause headaches, sweaty palms,

delayed ejaculation,
insomnia..."

I'm like, "Whoa, let's back up."

Uh...

Right. I'm like, "I'm sorry,
what was that one you said?"

She goes, "Sweaty palms?"
I'm like, "Bitch, you know the one...

...I'm asking about, right?"

She goes,
"Oh, you must mean DE."

She said it like I knew
what that is, DE. I've never heard of DE before.

I'm like, "I've heard of ED.
Are you telling me I can't--"

She's like, "Oh, no, no.
Erections are no problem.

Uh, but it will take you
over an hour of actual sex for you to have an orgasm."

My wife's like,
"We'll fucking take it. Right now."

Fuck you for clapping
at that, ladies. It's bullshit.

An hour?
That's a long freaking time. An hou...

That's a 10K. That is a 10K.

Nobody's bringing me water
or power bars?

Kiss my ass.
I'm not doing it.

If I don't get a T-shirt,
I'm not even showing up. I don't give a shit.

Right?
Fuck that, dude. 10K.

Bullshit. I don't know, man.

So, I do, I have kids now.
I have older kids now.

I have a 22-year-old son,
I have an 18-year-old daughter,

I have
a 16-year-old vasectomy.

And so...

I read parenting books, man.

They say if you have a favorite,
you're not supposed to let 'em know which one it is.

But they figure that shit out,
they know.

In my house, they know.

It's that vasectomy.

100%. It's...

That's the only one
that gives me hope, you know? That's bullshit.

Oh, man.
It's crazy, it's crazy.

They were all
home recently, man.

My wife is all happy.
She's like,

"Isn't it so great?
Isn't it so nice to have the kids home?"

I'm like, "No, it's not.
'Cause he's a 22-year-old man."

Right? Weird shit happens
when you have a 22-year-old man in your house.

Like the other day,
he's in the living room watching TV.

I'm in the kitchen
and I hear from the TV,

"Oh, yeah. That's the spot."

"Take it. Take it."

I'm like,
"Fuck, is he... Is he watching porn?

"In the living room?" Like, what the...

"I bought him a phone.
What is he doing?"

Right?

And then I listen more closely.
I realize it's all dudes voices.

Yeah. It's like,
"Dude, it's huge.

I can't even
fit my hand around."

I'm like, "Nope. No! No! No!"

Then I'm like, "Bullshit.
You be a good dad, you be a supportive dad.

You saw this shit coming.
You knew it was gonna happen."

Now, he did a lot of theater.
A lot of it and... -

I gotta tell you,
when I walked around the corner, what I saw,

I was disgusted
and disappointed as a father,

'cause he's watching
a fucking fishing show.

And now I'm pi... "No!"

"No! Bullshit!
Not in this house.

You watch gay porn
like a fucking man!"

Right?

"Major League Fishing,
my ass. No!"

That's bullshit.

So, is this a porn crowd?
Are we into porn in Pennsylvania?

Do we do that out here?
We have that? You got it?

Yeah, this side, I know.
For sure. Yeah.

Yeah, for real.

You have
that many piercings,

you guys are
on Pornhub for sure.

It's true.

I don't know, man.
I don't know.

Out here,
you guys still have porn.

Like, I live in Virginia.
We got that weird law

where you're "not supposed"
to watch porn any more. It's crazy.

And you know,
it doesn't even work.

They don't really
shut porn off.

You just have to have a VPN.
That's all you have to do.

Right? If you don't know
what a VPN is,

it makes your computer look like
it's from somewhere else, right?

And it drops you
in a different place,

so it fools the bots
or whatever, right?

But sometimes,
it drops you into a state that has the same fucking laws.

That's bullshit.
You're all ready to go

and then you're like,
"Welcome to Tennessee. Welcome to Texas."

You're like, "Fuck!
Can you drop me in a blue state for 15 fucking minutes?"

It's bullshit.

I don't know, man.
I don't know. You guys...

I don't know.

I talk to my kids
about porn. I do.

Like not in a weird way.
I'm not like,

"Hey, what you watching,
buddy?" -

"I've seen her.
This is a good one.

Wait till the end,
it's awesome. It's good."

Not like that. That would be weird, right?

I talk to my kids about porn
like, I don't know,

I think my grandfather
probably talked to my dad

about like electricity
or cars.

Right, you know?

It's like, "Dude, you have
so many opportunities. You can do shit.

You can do things
that we only dreamed of doing.

Right? You can choose
your own kink now.

I couldn't do that. Right?"

Whatever magazine
I found in my dad's closet, that was my shit forever.

Right? You just wander
around one day. You find a magazine.

You're like, "Well, I guess
I'm into big bitches. All right, here we go."

Okay. Yeah.

Right?

Yeah.

Then the day came,
you found a VHS tape.

Holy shit.

VHS porn.
That would change your life. That was different.

Right? And it was
never labelled "porn", right?

So, you just find a video tape.
You're like, "Why does dad have a copy of Braveheart

in his nightstand?"

What?

You put it in, you're like,
"Shit, that's not Mel Gibson. Oh, my God!"

Right?

"Freedom!" Right?

It's bullshit.

That's crazy, man.

Young people, man.
Y'all's porn is weird, though.

I would say,
y'all's porn is different. It is like...

There's a lot of spitting
and choking and shit now.

I do not understand, you know?
I don't get it. Hey!

But, I try to be
a man of the times, so...

So, the other night,
me and my wife were in bed. I'm like,

"I'm gonna fucking choke her."
Yeah, yeah. -

Yeah, we weren't
having sex or nothing. But I was like, "Let's see..."

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

See how this shit works out.
You know what I mean?

Nah, we were having sex, but...

But here's the trouble.
She does not watch porn, right?

So now, I have to explain.

So, the officer...

Right? It's like,
"No, sir. It is not assault.

I was being sexy." Like, hey!
What's up? Bullshit. -

I don't know, man.

It's crazy, you guys.

Uh, you guys may
have figured this out. Uh, I'm not a good father.

Uh...

I tried to be a good dad,
I did, man.

Like, I read parenting books
and shit.

You guys read those?
Anybody read the parenting books in here?

No? Good. They're stupid.
They don't work. It's dumb. No!

Nobody knows what they're doing.
We try to keep 'em alive till they turn 18

and then get the fuck out.
That's all we want.

All right? It's fucked up,
I don't know.

It's dumb, man.
It's crazy. I don't know.

It is weird, man.
Just with the parenting books.

I tried to read 'em,
but I couldn't get past the titles.

You know?
'Cause the titles are bullshit.

It's like, "Stop yelling
and start connecting, dad."

"The anger-free home."

Fuck you. Anger free.

'Cause I want everybody
in this room to know tonight.

Anger is my love language.
All right? That's it. -

All right? And if they
don't stop fucking around, they will get physical touch.

I promise on that shit
right now.

There shouldn't be
parenting books. That's all I'm saying.

They shouldn't exist.
'Cause we've all been kids.

Right? Don't write books for us,
write books for them.

Tell 'em our side.

With good titles like,
"Mommy would love you, if your room was clean."

That'd be good one, right?

or my personal favorite,
"Dad yells 'cause you're 22 and still fucking live here."

Yeah!

Get out of my basement.
That's all I'm saying.

It's bullshit.
I don't know, man.

I tried, I tried.
I don't know.

I have the 18-year-old daughter.
That's fun.

That's a good time.
I don't know.

Anybody in here
raise teenage girls? Did anybody raise 'em?

Oh, God. It's hard.
Oh, my God. They're...

The parenting books
don't tell you all the shit.

They don't tell you
that teenage girls

are the meanest thing
on the planet.

Right? They don't.
And they'll fight with their mom for no reason at all, right?

The other day,
my daughter comes downstairs,

and I just hear, "Good morning."
I hear, "Fuck you!"

I'm like,
"Okay, okay. All right." -

"Shit."

But here's what
I've learned as a dad. Do not get in the middle of it.

Dads, no matter
how right you are, do not get in the middle.

'Cause they will combine forces
and turn on you like a velociraptor.

They don't give a shit.

They don't care.

I didn't listen
to my own advice. I got in the middle of it.

I just hear, Good morning."
"Fuck you!"

I was like,
"You listen here, young lady."

I'm like,
"That is your daughter."

"You can't talk
to her like that."

"That is, um..."

Shit, it's good.

My daughter yells at me
all the time. Just all the...

About shit I can't even
do anything about.

My daughter yells at me
about Roe v. Wade.

Right? I'm like, "You know
I'm a comedian, right?

Like, I'm not on
the Supreme Court. I didn't do this shit."

See how she gets mad.
She's like, "Dad, you want us

to have to go back
to back alley abortions?"

I'm like, "No. But like...

That was a different time.
That was the '60s, you know.

You gotta think. We didn't have
shit like YouTube."

Right?

No, before YouTube,
I wouldn't change my own oil.

I'll do brakes now.
I don't give a shit.

Right?

And don't call it
a back alley abortion. That sounds bad.

Get the white women involved.
Call it a DIY abortion.

Right?

Get Chip and Joanna Gaines
in on that shit. Right?

"Today we're starting
the demolition. It's the most fun day. Uh..."

"This particular unit
has been remodeled several times."

Uh... That's great.

Oh!

Oh, that's where
I lost you guys?

On the imaginary abortion?
Are you serious?

You better buckle up.
It's gonna get worse, okay?

Stupid, man.

It's... You guys.

What a weird place.
I don't know.

You guys were really good
and then you're like,

"No, abor..." Ha, ha!

It's the best.
That's my favorite laugh.

When you're like,
"Ha, ha! Oh, shit."

It's the best.
That's the best laugh.

My daughter, man, 18 now,
she turned.

And she reminds me. She's like,
"Dad, I'm 18. I'm an adult. I'll do what the fuck I want."

Really. That's what she says.
And she does, too, man.

The day she turned 18,
she went out, she got a tattoo, a belly button ring

and that permanent
birth control shit in her arm.

So, she fucks.

That's what I learned that day. Yeah.

You know. Whatever, you know.
You can't really do anything about it, right?

You know,
just be safe, whatever.

We actually learned like
a year earlier.

She told us she was active.
And I was like, "Good, babe. Go to the gym. That's great."

"Take care of yourself."
You know?

Well, she...
The fucked up part...

Her boyfriend,
he was a year older than her

and he was
graduating high school

and my wife and I
were sitting around and my wife goes,

"Well, what are we gonna get him
for a graduation present?"

"I think we're good.
I think, uh..."

What?

We can grab a gift card
on the way,

but I think we've given enough.
I think we're... okay.

Right?

The tattoo pissed me off.

The tattoo definitely
made me mad. And I'm not anti-tattoo.

I don't know why
I looked at you guys. Oh, yeah, I do. Uh...

Right?

I'm not anti-tattoo.
I have tattoos. I'm not against that.

But what pissed me off
is she wanted to get like a tattoo of our dogs.

Like a little silhouette
of our dogs on her arm.

And I'm like,
"Aw, that's cute. Whatever."

But I was taught,
you don't get a tattoo of a living thing.

Right? 'Cause bad
shit happens.

Right? People die,
relationships end.

I was like, "Baby, please,
whatever you do, do not get this tattoo."

She's like, "Dad, I'm 18.
I'll do what I want."

So, I had to rush home,

kill the fucking dogs.

Listen...

When you're a dad,
you gotta be right. You gotta be right.

I showed her ass.
That's all I'm saying.

I didn't kill the dogs. Relax.
It's fine, it's okay.

They're still there.
It's good, it's good.

We just went
on a road trip recently.

That's... You wanna...
Jesus, it's...

It was fun 'cause we got
to spend a lot of time together.

But, uh, it was weird
'cause it led to very awkward conversations.

Like one day,
we're driving along and a song came on

and I swear, all I said,
I go, "I think this song is older than me."

You know what she said?

"Ew."

That's not an "ew" moment,
all right? That's not.

I didn't say anything
"ew" worthy, right?

Like if I said,
"Hey, you know, your mom and I,

we used to get busy
to this song." Right? Right?

Or if Isaid,
"Hey, you know how old this song is, princess?"

"Your age
plus nine months." That is a solid...

That's a solid "ew."
But I didn't say that shit. It's good.

I give her a lot
of shit on stage, I do.

Uh, you know, 'cause...

People ask me,
"Why do you talk so much shit about your daughter on stage?"

I'm like, "Mostly 'cause
she's too young to get into comedy clubs."

So, this is my shot. This is what I have. You know?

I do talk a lot of shit,
but she's a good kid, I will say that.

She's a great kid. She's smart,
she gets good grades.

She does theater,
she's on a rock climbing team. She's just...

You ever hear something
come out of your mouth

and be like,
"That is the whitest sentence any human being...

...has ever said," right?

I'm like, "I don't know
about white privilege."

I'm like, "My daughter's
on a rock climbing team...

...in Manassas, Virginia."

Yeah, that checks out,
that checks out. That's fine. That's fine.

She used to be a gymnast.
That was her thing for a long time.

She was gymnast.
She was good too.

Like, everybody thinks
their kid's good, but she was like

pack your shit,
move to the Midwest,

live with a bunch
of child molesters.

Like, that's the level
of good. -

"Oh, okay. We found the line
in Hanover. Okay, cool. Oh."

Everybody was cool
they were fucking three minutes ago,

but now, no, no.
That's good.

Was anybody really surprised
when the USA gymnastics stuff all broke?

Did you see
the press conference?

It was great.
They came out like, "Well, we didn't see it coming."

I'm like, "You put a bunch
of little girls in a house

with a bunch of dudes
from eastern Europe."

Ray Charles could see
that shit coming.

What are you
talking about, man, right? -

It's ridiculous, man.
She was good, but we had to stop,

'cause it was expensive.
It was too expensive.

We figured out by the time
she was 11 years old,

we were spending
over $1,000 a month to keep her in gymnastics.

Right? At 11.

But she's gonna be
the next Simone Biles, right? So, it's worth it.

Right? Then the unthinkable
happens, man.

Age 11, she falls off
a balance beam and breaks her back.

Yeah, that's when parenting
becomes hard, right?

'Cause you gotta
sit your little girl down and you gotta tell her,

"I'm sorry, but your dream
of being an Olympic gymnast is dead."

And that's tough.

But holy shit, when I think
of the money we saved? I'm like, "Hell, yeah. Yeah!"

That got me through it.

Yeah.

I'm like, "Your dream
of being a gymnast is dead.

But dad's dream of a boat,
alive and well."

It is great.

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry you can't
do the one thing that brings you joy.

But we are gonna take
some amazing vacations from now on.

What? No, you're not always
gonna get to go, but we love you.

And, uh...

...we will always
send you a T-shirt."

Oh, man.
You guys are a fun crowd, man. I like you guys.

Oh, man, it's a fun time.

I'm gonna let you guys in
on a little secret.

Um, he introduced me
as Dewayne and I know some of you were like,

"Really? Uh..."

I get it. I'm a white dude
named Dewayne, sir. It's okay, it's fine.

My last name
is White. So it balances out. We're gonna be okay.

It's gonna be...
It's gonna be great.

Uh... No, Dewayne is actually
my middle name. It's what I go by.

Uh, but my real first name
is actually Shannon.

-Ew!
- Fuck you. Okay. What?

At least wait
for the punch line, asshole. Like, I don't know.

I don't care, I don't care.
I don't mind it now. I don't give a shit.

I'm a grown man, who cares?
But when I was a kid, it was bullshit, dude.

I'll give you an example.
I'm 13 years old, I got a package in the mail.

It's like,
"Happy Birthday, Shannon."

I'm like, "Yes, it's a new toy.
I've never heard of the company."

They sound cool.
Uh, Playtex. Okay, uh..."

Hmm.

I'm 13, dude.
I've never seen a tampon before.

I have no idea
what these things are.

Right? I open up the package,
I start playing with 'em, right?

Just like...

These are the worst fucking
party poppers ever.

These are bullshit. Right?

There's a string. I'm like,
"Maybe a firecracker, you know?"

Did not explode,
but, you know.

They're flammable as shit.
Don't know if you knew that. They'll burn for a long time.

That's crazy.

I think the worst
same time for me, age 13,

I got invited
to be a contestant

at Miss Teen USA.

Yeah. Yeah.

I was pissed.
I was embarrassed, upset.

Fucking third place?
That's bullshit. Come on. -

Right?

I wish it was now.
Dude, I would've just gone. I'll be like,

"I'm Shannon.
Where's my roommate? Let's go."

"What's up?

I identify
as a beauty queen."

"What's up?"

Just, yeah...

I was bitching about it one time
and my mom, swear to God,

she goes,
"It's your dad's fault.

He insisted
on naming you Shannon."

She goes, "I was gonna
call you John Edward."

"All right, Mom, uh..."

I'm like, "Let's go to the board
on that one. Uh...

John. Edward. White."

"My initials are JEW.
Are you serious, Mom?

We're Irish.
That's gonna confuse the whole trailer park, Mom."

It's bullshit.

That's why when I turned 18,
I joined the Army.

I was like, "Fuck it.
They go by last names."

You know what I mean?
It's better.

I was in the army
for a long time. We got vets here?

Do we have
any veterans here tonight? - AUDIENCE: Whoo!

Yeah. Are you a vet, sir?
Yeah? What branch?

-Air Force.
- Air Force? I kinda meant military.

But that's okay.

I'm kidding. It's okay.
That's fine, it's fine. It's all good.

You're a big dude, too.
I need to shut up. That's not okay.

How long did you do?
How long were you in?

-Six years.
- Six years? Yeah.

I did 23 years, man.
That was a long time.

- It was good. Yeah, yeah.
-Whoo!

It was crazy, man.

It was nuts.

I planned to do four,
then get the fuck out. That was my plan.

Four years, get out.
Uh, then I got some credit card debt.

Twenty-three
years later...

Still got credit card debt.
But whatever, it's fine. -

I'll tell you,
this is how they got me. This is how they got me.

Uh, the first place they ever
sent me was Germany, man.

I loved it over there,
I had so much fun.

Uh, I actually have a souvenir
in my house that reminds

every single day of Germany.
It's cool.

Uh, in fact,
we've been married for 25 years.

It's great.

She loves it when
I call her a souvenir. It's fine, it's fine.

I'm not allowed to say
war trophy... anymore. But...

Oh, fuck her.
Shut up, they lost.

I can say what I want.
I tell her all the time,

you don't like it,
win a goddamn war.

You know what I mean?

We gave 'em two shots
at the title.

They came up empty
both times.

You know what I mean?

You're a war trophy it is.

I love being married
to a foreigner.

I think it's cool,
I think it's awesome. Uh, not everybody does.

I did a show in D.C. back
in 2020. This dude walks up to me after the show, he goes,

"Hey, man. How could you marry
a goddamn foreigner?"

Wow. I was like, "Shit, listen,
uh... Mr. President...

Um..."

"I'm just saying,
yours has an accent, too, bro. That's all I'm saying.

We're both driving imports.
You know what I'm saying, buddy?"

It wasn't him, obviously.
It wasn't him. But it was a dude in a red hat.

And so...

I got pissed, dude.
I got in his face. I'm like,

"You listen here, buddy." I go,
"It's 2020. I'm not putting up with this bullshit.

It was just like
anything else, right.

You find someone you like,
you fall in love.

And then you move her
to your cart."

What's the point
of having Prime?

What's the point
of having Prime... -

...if I can't get that shit
in two days? Let's go.

Save your receipts, though.
The return policy is a bitch.

It's rough.
It's too bad. -

Oh, man. No, uh, we actually
got married in Germany, which was pretty cool.

Uh, well, okay,
if I'm 100% honest, like, we had to get married.

Yeah.

Yeah, fun fact. Uh...

When you're in the army
and you leave Germany,

you're required by regulation

to bring home either a wife
or a cuckoo clock.

That's just...
those are the rules. -

All right?

I give her shit
for being a foreigner.

But I do wanna say this,
uh, tonight.

She's here tonight
and I just wanna say,

she's the greatest thing
that's ever happened to me. Best decision ever made.

And, uh, you know,
we just celebrated 25 years of marriage.

That's a pretty big deal.
Yeah, yeah. -

Yeah, I'm pretty happy.

Best...

Best decision ever. Yeah.

'Cause you can't
have sex with a clock.

I think that's really
my message tonight. -

Okay, you can.
You can, sir.

But, with a cuckoo clock,

timing is extremely important,
all right?

There's a dude
with an ax and a saw, you know?

Hoo-hoo! Just...

Be careful at the top
of the hour.

That's all I'm trying
to say, dude.

It's good.

It's good.

Oh, I'll tell you guys
my favorite Germany story.

I had just gotten there,
I'm like 19 years old.

I'm excited,
we're ready to go do training.

I'm like, "Hey, guys.
What are we doing?"

And they go,
"Well, we don't have the facilities on our base,

so we have to go down
to the German base,

to do gas chamber training."

"What?"

Right?

Now I realize, not everybody
in here was military,

so for those who weren't
in the military, you don't know what that is.

So, if you weren't
in the military or I don't know,

you were in the Air Force
or whatever.

Uh...

You take a little room,
you fill it full of tear gas,

to simulate like
a chemical environment

or Baltimore, whatever.

Whatever town you guys gas
on a regular basis in Pennsylvania, I don't know.

But, you go in
with a mask on, you take your mask off.

You know, everybody does it,
no big deal.

In America.

I'm just saying,
these fuckers have a history. That's all I'm saying.

Right?

And I'm a smart ass.
I can't let it go, right?

We get to the German base,
this big ass German dude comes out.

He's like...

Does anyone have any questions before you go in our chamber?

I'm like, "Yes! Shit, sorry. Yes! Uh..."

Nobody else has
a problem with this?

Like nobody sees an issue?

They're like,
"White, shut up."

I'm like, "You guys don't have
the History Channel over here?

Like, why are we going
in their chamber, man?

We won."

"Two times."

Now the German dude's
all pissed off, right?

He's looking at his roster,
he's like,

"Mr. White."

- "What's your first name?"
- I'm like, "Fuck you, dude. Really?"

I go, "It's John Edward, dude."
Now I'm damn sure not going in that thing.

Yeah!

"Matter of fact,
I'll just be over here looking at your clocks.

You know what I mean?"

That's bullshit.

That's awesome, man.
Oh, I don't know, man.

When were you in
the military, dude? When did you go in?

-Uh, '95.
- '95?

Okay, so like right after
Don't Ask, Don't Tell came into being.

Like, I'm not calling you gay.
Like, I don't mean that.

I came in in 1992.

That was before
Don't Ask, Don't Tell.

That was when
it was illegal...

Illegal to be gay
in the military, right?

Even the Navy,
even those guys.

I'm not saying they enforced
the rules exactly the same.

I'm just saying
it was technically illegal.

But like, it was fucked up,
'cause they would ask you.

They could ask you back then.
They'd go, "Are you a homosexual?"

And you're like,
"No, hell no! Fuck, no!

I think."

"Like, maybe. I don't know. I'm 17. Like, I don't--"

Right? At that point in my life,
I had had equal amounts of each.

Zero, zero. I see you guys...

Saw you guys
looking at me weird.

Somebody there's like,
"Get that man a Bud Light." No, calm down. It's okay.

It's bullshit.

It's fine.

But they would,
they would ask you.

They're like,
"Are you a homosexual?"

And it was a doctor
that asked you.

He'd be like,
"Are you a homosexual?" You're like, "No, hell, no!"

They're like, "Turn around,
spread your butt cheeks, bend over.

You're like, "Bullshit.
I see what you're doing. No!"

"You're not getting me, buddy.
You're not getting me."

Right? But they would.

And then, you would turn around
and he would look right... right there.

It was crazy.

And that's how
the rumor started.

There was a rumor
that went around, it was like, "Well, they can tell."

Huh?

It's like, "They can tell
if you've ever had anything up there."

"Anything?"

"Ever? 'Cause I mean..."

I was a latchkey kid.
I had a lot of free time.

You know what I mean?
I'm saying... -

I used to play
a little game called, "Will it fit."

And you know, usually...

Usually, yeah.
You know what I mean?

Little "can do" attitude.
You know what I mean?

This gonna work?
I don't know, man.

When did
you get out?

- Ninety, ninety--
-Uh, 2000.

2000? All right.

It's good.
You get your disability? Did you get that?

No? You need to get that, dude.
I just got my 100%.

That's the shit.
It's pretty good, man. It's pretty dope.

It's pretty good.

Okay, that's...
See how some of the people are clapping loud?

That's 'cause
they're veterans.

Others are like,
"I don't wanna clap too loud.

They'll take
my disability away."

That's fine, that's good.

I don't know, man.
I don't...

The people that
are clapping get it.

'Cause like...
You know, I just got 100%

and that means I get a check
until the day I die.

That's the best part
about it.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.
That's the best.

But people
don't understand that.

They come up,
they hear you're disabled,

they go, "Oh, my God.
Are you okay?"

You're like,
"You bet your ass I am."

Am I right? Yeah, yeah.

I don't pay
property taxes any more.

It's awesome,
it's great. Right?

I'm a big fan of like raises
for government employees now.

They're like, "Yeah, we're gonna
raise property taxes by 4%."

I'm like, "Fuck it,
let's make it eight. Let's go." -

"Yeah, let's do that, right?"

It's good.

I don't know.
Other people come up pissed.

They're like,
"You don't look disabled."

I'm like, "That's 'cause
you can't see the movie that I'm watching."

So... Hmm.

It's good.

When I first got my 100%,
they told me they wanted to give me a service dog, right?

And that's cool, man.
I was like, "Yeah, that's awesome, but, hey..."

I thought it was gonna be fast.
I thought it was gonna be quick.

I thought they just had like
a Amazon warehouse full of dogs.

Just sitting around
doing whatever dogs do.

Playing poker, whatever,
I don't know, right? -

And then an alarm goes off.

And the dogs are like,
"There's a veteran in Virginia

that's having bad dreams.
Go! Go! Go!"

Right? And they just
come running out,

they slide down a pole.
They're like, "We're here."

And then, you know...

That is not how that works.

It takes a long time.
It took almost two years

for me to get
a service dog, right?

Finally, this non-profit calls.
They go, "Hey, bro. We got you a dog."

I'm like, "Sweet.
That's awesome."

They go,
"Oh, you're gonna love him. He's a little black lab.

His name is Trip,
he's so cool."

I was like,
"Awesome, I love labs."

And then they go,
"Well, there's one small catch.

Um, he actually failed out
of service dog school."

I didn't know you could do that.
Like, I didn't know that was a thing, right?

But it does make sense, right?
Not everybody gets through military school, right?

Not everybody can be like
an Army Ranger or a Navy SEAL, you know.

Which is how we get
Air Force people.

It's cool.

His name is Trip,
he's a cool dog. But he is perfectly named.

Because every couple of hours,
he goes on a little mental vacation.

He does. He does.

He'll be normal
and he'll walk up,

he'll get two inches
from the wall and just be like,

"Huh?"

And he stays there for like
two, three minutes.

And I'm clapping, like,
"Trip, Trip. Hey, Trip!"

'Cause one second he was fine,
next minute,

he's Mitch McConnell
at a press conference.

Just...

And he's back.
I'm like, "Where the fuck did you go, Trip?"

"Were you in the Upside Down? What happened to you?"

This is fucking crazy, man.

He's the dumbest dog
I've ever had.

I love him,
but he's the dumbest dog I've ever had.

Right?

When we got him, they told us...
"You can't even feed him in a regular bowl

'cause he'll eat too fast
and screw up his stomach."

So, we gotta feed him
in this thing called a "slow bowl."

If you don't know what it is,
the dog eats a little bit

then he goes off,
he does a little doggy puzzle

and then he comes back
and eats a little more.

I'm pissed. I'm like,
"This is bullshit.

I gained weight
when I got out of the military.

Where was that technology
for me?"

I go, "Okay, Dewayne,
you can have another funnel cake,

but first..."

"A train leaves Boston
going 75 miles an hour..."

Whoo!

I'd have still been fat,
but I'd have been smart. You know what I mean?

We have another dog too.
It's kind of sad.

He just got
diagnosed with cancer.

So, yeah. Oh, I expected you
to laugh at that. That's good. -

He did. He just got diagnosed
with cancer. It's very sad.

Uh, they told us
he has two months to live.

Uh, and the shitty part is
they told us that nine fucking months ago!

No, and he's kicking ass.
He's doing better than he's ever done.

No, he's killing it.
He's doing great.

And here's my thing.

If you tell me
you're gonna die,

fucking die!

Right?

No, 'cause I'm gonna
treat you different. I am.

'Cause when we found out
he was dying,

I started feeding him
from the table.

I made steaks.
I made freaking steaks for this dog.

He used to dig in the backyard
and stuff and I was like, you know,

'Hey, you know, don't dig."
And now, I'm like,

"You dig, buddy.
You keep digging. You live your best life.

Matter of fact, little bit more,
little wider, little longer.

Keep going."

"No, don't fill it in.
We got it. We got it"

It took a while
to go around the room. That's okay. That's fine.

He...

I doubled his food
'cause I was like,

"Shit, we gotta
get rid of it."

My wife got mad
at me about that.

She's like,
"No, we gotta feed him right. We gotta keep him healthy.

I'm like, "He's freaking dying.

What are you ta..." I was like,
"Don't pull that bullshit with me."

If they're ever like,
"Dewayne, you have six months to live."

And you're like,
"Oh, you should have a salad."

"Fuck you,
I'm doing heroin!"

I'm gonna deep fry heroin.
That's what I'm doing.

Put that shit
in a mozzarella stick or something, I don't care.

It's bullshit.

"Have a salad."

I don't know, man.
It's a weird time, man.

Phew.

Oh, man. I don't know.

I did a lot of weird shit.
I tried to do all the cool...

I used to be a badass,
I'm not gonna lie. I used to be a badass.

I was like,
You're looking at me like, "What happened?"

I get it.

No, I did. I'd volunteer
for shit like, you know, jumping out of planes.

And I did two tours in Bosnia,
two tours in Iraq.

I went to Florida.
I mean...

I'm not stupid.
I'm not stupid.

I did one tour in Florida,
that's it. Fuck that.

But...

But I did.
I would do all the shit.

Anything you wanted me to,
I'd do it.

Now I'm like...
Today, I pretended to be asleep to avoid carrying in groceries.

Things have changed.

Things have changed.

I did the whole like airborne,
jumping out of planes thing.

I did the whole ranger thing.

I did the whole,
let's invade a country

and look around
for chemical weapons for two years

and never find
'cause it's not there,

but goddamn it,
we're going anyway...

...thing.

I tried. I looked everywhere.
I looked everywhere for that shit.

Right? Here's the thing,
when I came back,

it was funny, the 22-year-old
white girls were pissed.

They were like,
"I'm so mad at Geroge. W. Bush."

I'm like,
"Bitch, you're mad?"

"Like, I got blown up.
Fuck you."

Right?

It was...

Here's what I learned
during that time.

If I'm ever the president

and I tell you
we're invading a country

because they have
chemical weapons, I promise you this,

we're gonna find some
fucking chemical weapons. Right?

Yeah. I don't care
what it costs to ship that stuff over.

I am bringing in
truck loads, right? -

No, I'll hide it
throughout the country

like the world's worst
Easter egg hunt.

I don't give a shit, right?

It's like, "Line up everybody.
You guys ready?

Everybody line up, line up.
Ready?

Three. Two.

On... Back up,
back up."

Fucking Marines. Okay."

"Three, two,
go get it, boys.

Go find
those chemical weapons.

There's $20 in the golden egg,
if you can find that one. It'll be great."

I'm just saying lie.
That's all I'm saying.

Just lie, right?

I'll lie about anything,
I don't give a shit.

Right? If I'm playing golf
with you for a dollar a hole

and I hit a ball that
I'm not 100% sure I'm gonna find,

guess what's in my pocket?

Right? Ball looks just like
the one I hit.

I go.

Right?

Just lie.
That's all I'm saying. Just lie.

I'm a bad liar, though,
I'd probably get caught.

No, I would.
I'd have taken it too far.

Like, I'd have a photo op
with canisters and shit everywhere.

I'll be like, "See these?

These are all chemical weapons
designed for use against the United States.

It says it right on the side,
"Ma-De in America,"

which I think we all know means
"Death to America" in Arabic

and that just
proves my point that--"

"Sir, that says,
'Made in America.'"

"Fuck!"

I hate that joke,
it's such a dumb joke. I hate it.

No, I do. I hate that joke.
But I tell it, 'cause I like to watch you guys, honestly.

No, 'cause I told that joke
all over the country

and everywhere
I say it, like,

there's always
three groups of people, no matter where I'm at.

There's the first group, I say,
"Ma-De in America,"

they get it,
they giggle, right?

There's the second group, I say,
"Made in America," they laugh.

And then,
there's that third group.

You're elbowing your wife going,
"That dude speaks Arabic. That's pretty dope."

All right, cool, man.
That's pretty dope. That's good. -

No, I think they had 'em, man.
I think they had 'em.

I think the chemical weapons
were probably there.

Trouble's who we had
looking for 'em.

Just a bunch of dudes like me,
you know?

And if I'm honest,
most days I can't find

my freaking keys
in my own house. Let's be real.

Right? We could have solved
the whole thing right away.

Just pull all of us out

and send in like
one truckload of like,

wives and girlfriends
and moms.

Yeah.

Thirty seconds, the whole war
would've been over.

'It's right fucking here!"

"You didn't even
look for it, did you?"

"It's right where
I told you it was."

"All right.
Welcome back, ladies. All right. Let's go, let's go."

That's good, man.

You guys
are crazy.

Oh, man. I don't know.

Let's see who we got.
Uh, married people, are you guys out there?

Married people, make some...
Who's married in the crowd tonight?

Married people? Yeah?

That's good.
Some of you sounded very sad.

You're like,
"Yeah, I'm clapping. She's right here."

I don't know, man.
I'm married.

Like I said,
we've been married a long time.

You know,
who's been married a long time?

We got long time
married people in here tonight?

Like, 40, 50 years.
Anything like that?

Thirty? This is the weirdest
fucking auction I've ever had.

This is crazy.

Fifty, 40, 30, 20... Sad!
Sadness and pain.

Thirty years?

Twenty years? Anybody over 20?

- Twenty?
-Twenty-eight.

Twenty-eight.
That's not nothing.

Twenty-eight. Give it up
for 28 years right here in the front row.

To each other?

Okay. No. No.

No, no. You gotta ask that,
you know, sometimes.

I've had weird shit
in the front row of shows before.

It's like,
"Hey, yeah, we're married. Well, accumulatively."

Like, "No, no.
No, that doesn't count."

Oh, that's great.
But, no...

I'm gonna ask you
a question, sir.

What's your name, sir?
Can I ask that?

Dave? All right, Dave.
I'm gonna ask you a question.

Ma'am, do not answer for him.
Dave, do not look at her.

What is the secret
to marriage?

Trust. All right,
that's a good one.

You gotta get trust.
I can deal with trust.

Yeah, that's good. That's good.

Sometimes they get weird,
he's like, "She's always right."

I'm like, "Bullshit.
That's not true, you pussy."

But that's a good one.
Trust is a good one.

Your eyes
are getting very big. I don't know.

The rest of you
can't see this. Dave's like...

"Fucking move on."

"Move to the other
part of the room."

"Talk to these guys
on the wall, please."

That's...

That's a good ans...
I get weird answers sometimes. I get very weird answers.

Uh, one dude said like,
"Compromise."

I'm like, "What the hell?"
Like, 'Oh, tonight I put it in your butt."

My favorite answer I ever got.
Uh...

This couple, front row,
been married 49 years.

The dude looks at me,
swear to God, he goes...

He goes, "We had a deal."

Wait.

"That whoever left first,
had to take the kids."

That's genius.
That's genius.

That's next level shit
right there. That's good.

That's awesome.
I tell everybody, uh, it takes, uh, patience,

understanding and the ability
to patch drywall.

Those are really
the top three. -

I'm saying
we throw shit, brother. That's what I'm saying.

Like, shit gets thrown
in our house.

And everybody thinks it's me
'cause I'm the old army veteran, PTSD and stuff.

It's her.

And that's weird,
'cause everybody knows, Europeans can't throw.

Right?

No, it's true.
Give 'em a soccer ball all day, no problem.

You give a German a baseball,
it's the funniest shit you've ever seen in your life.

It's like...

It's so...

Right? It's so good.
It's the greatest thing ever.

That's why they lost the war.
They couldn't throw a grenade.

So... No, it's great.

"Ahhh!" It's awesome.

No, I tell everybody,
"Marry a foreigner."

That's the secret.
Uh, no it's great.

If it's not too late,
pick one up.

They're awesome. It's fun.

This is what I'll say.
I think the problem between men and women

is that we speak
different languages.

Can we agree
on that, ladies?

Yeah? Yeah?

I do. I'll give you
an example from my life.

Like last week, I was like,
"Hey, babe. I think we should move this mirror

closer to the bed."

Every dude in here
knows what I'm saying, right? Let's go.

"Let's spice
shit up, right?"

That is not
what she heard me say.

She heard me go,
"We should spend ten grand to remodel this bedroom, huh?"

"Huh. Huh."

And the mirror's
in the same goddamn place.

This is bullshit.

We are trying
to spice shit up, though.

Starting bringing toys
into the bedroom.

Ladies, you into
the sex toys, ladies? - WOMAN: Whoo!

Yeah, you should be.
You should be.

No, you guys
have amazing shit.

Like, right now,
there's a team of engineers

locked away in a top secret
mountain complex somewhere in the Midwest

inventing a new way
for you to cum, ma'am.

And that's
fucking awesome.

What do we got, Dave?
What's the best we have?

A fucking fleshlight.
That's all we have.

That's it.

And that's bullshit.
That's just a tube of foam. That's all that is.

Right? You're fucking a Muppet.
That's what I'm trying to say.

And it's not even
a cool Muppet, either.

If it was red or blue,
be Animal or Gonzo,

it would be dope, right?
It'll be like,

♪ It's time
To face the music

Look me in the eye.

♪ It's time
To light the lights

But it's not.
It's not red or blue, right?

It's orange. You know.
It's orange.

You're banging away
all day at Beaker.

You're just like, "Mee-mee-mee,
mee-mee-mee, mee-mee-mee."

"Mee-mee.

Beep."

The top selling sex toy
on the market for women right now.

You guys know what it is?
Ladies?

Anybody? You can say it.

Say it. I asked you a question.
You can talk, it's okay.

-Spark plug.
- The what?

Okay, first of all,
you're not a lady.

Uh...

I don't wanna assume anything.
But you're like...

I was like,
"No, that's not...

That's not you, unless you're on
a rugby team or something."

Listen, ladies.

The top selling sex toy
on the market for women.

You know what
it is, ladies?

The Rose?
That's Walmart shit, ma'am. Spend the money, okay?

No. No.

No, you only get one clitoris.
It's worth more than $29.99.

You know what
I mean?

It's not...
It's not the Rose.

Any other?
Not the Rose. Anybody?

The Rabbit? Okay. The Rabbit.
That's in the '90s. But, okay. That's fine.

No, that makes sense.
That makes sense.

'Cause rabbits hide in brush.
And in the '90s, ladies...

I'm saying y'all had
a lot of shit going on. That's all I'm saying.

Right?

Not that.

The top selling sex toy
on the market for women right now

is a thing called
the Womanizer.

I don't know if you guys
have heard of it.

If you've never seen it,
it creates a miniature tornado right on your happy bun.

No. Those scientists
found a way to harness the power of God.

It's insane, right?

The power that used
to be used to destroy a small town in Kansas,

just like, whoo! A twister.
A twister. It's amazing.

Meanwhile, this dude's
going home and fucking an overpriced pool noodle.

It's bullshit.

You know, when I talk
about that on stage,

sometimes I get really weird
crowd interactions afterwards.

That's fun. Uh...

One lady comes up, she goes,
"That Womanizer stuff, you're preaching the gospel."

I'm like, "Well, I think
we went to different churches."

"Ma'am." Right?

And sometimes...
This dude comes up to me one time.

He goes, "There's better stuff
for us out there right now."

And he shows me, he goes,
"Look at this." And he showed me a thing on his phone.

It was this thing called
the Autoblow AI 3000.

It was a blowjob simulator.

Right?

And so I was
doing research.

-Whoo! Yeah.
- Right?

For a joke. Whatever.

My wife caught me
looking at it.

She goes,
"What are you looking at? I'm like, "Nothing, nothing."

She goes, "Is that
a blowjob simulator?"

I'm like, "Maybe."
She's like, "You should get it."

"What? No. No."

"No."

And it's like $400, right?

She goes, "Yeah.
But it's like a buck a pop.

That'll pay for itself
in a weekend with you."

She's not wrong.
She's not wrong, right?

'Cause I don't keep
sweets in the house 'cause I have no discipline.

I'll walk by the cabinet, like,
"I'll have one more cookie." Right?

If I had that in the house,
there'd be some chafing.

That's all I'm saying.
You know what I mean? -

It's crazy.

But, if I wrote
a joke about it, tax write off.

Let's go. It's fine.

It's good.

"Sir, is this a $400
blowjob machine?"

"No, that is a joke."

It's good. It's fine.

No.
You guys are good, man. I'll tell you.

It is a weird time
for me right now, I'm not gonna lie.

It's a weird time, uh,
'cause I feel like I'm getting older.

Uh, I'm turning 50
in a couple of months.

And that's weird to me.
That's just...

It's a weird number.
You know what I mean? It's weird.

And I know it's just a number
and I don't feel old,

but I'm doing
old people shit now.

Right. Like,
this is a sentence I said this week.

I went, "Man, I hope
this weather holds,

so I can plant
this fucking grass seed."

That's an old person sentence.
Old people say that.

That is an
old person sentence, right?

I used to be cool. I'm like,
"We're gonna drink,

we're gonna party all night.
Go all night long."

And now I'm like, "Oh,
I gotta get this Vescue in before the weather turns."

It's bull...

I got bird feeders now.
I have fucking bird feeders at my house.

That's bullshit.
I don't even like birds.

I used to be like,
"Baby, let's get busy in the middle of the day"

Now I'm like, "Baby, look.
There's a tufted titwillow in the backyard."

I got a hummingbird feeder now.
A freaking hummingbird.

That's the gayest of birds.

Right? They show up
at 11:00,

they drink all day,
the men look fabulous.

I'm hosting a drag brunch
for birds!

"Get away from
the windows, kids. They'll read to you."

Jesus.

Last week I went to Lowe's
for no reason at all.

There's no reason.

I have no projects
going on at my house.

I was just, "Let's see
what's happening down at the Lowe's."

Right?

I grabbed a cart,
then I got pissed

'cause none
of the carts work, right? - WOMAN: Right.

The carts are going sideways.

One wheel's stuck,
one wheel's not even touching the ground.

It's just fucking spinning.

And I got mad
and started yelling, like, "You're fucking Lowe's!"

"You have all the tools!"

Yeah!

"Fix your shit."

I'll tell you a secret.
White women know this.

Man, IKEA, they have
the best carts on the planet. Those carts are amazing.

They do. They go sideways,
they go backwards, they go left, they go right.

They spin,
they make zero noise.

And they have one Allen wrench
in the whole goddamn store.

That's witchcraft.
That is witchcraft.

It's bullshit.

Oh, man.
There's this one thing, man.

This one thing
my dad used to do.

He used to listen
to a police scanner.

You know,
that's old person stuff there. That's is old people shit.

And I told my wife, I was like,
"If I ever do that,

I want you to put a bullet
in my fucking head."

Right?

But for the record,
I do not have a police scanner.

I do have this app
and it's cool as shit. It's so cool.

No, it's so cool.
Because you can listen to cops anywhere in the country now.

It's amazing.
Wherever shit's popping off, tune in.

It's so much fun, right?

But it's bad.
'Cause I've learned shit.

Like I know shit
about cops in other places I should not know.

Right? Like I know
in Indianapolis,

they just hired a dude
with a speech impediment.

I shouldn't know that shit.

Right? And I know
they're dicks in Indianapolis

because the guy with the lisp,
car 4667

and it's the funnist shit
you've ever heard in your life. -

It's so great.
He comes on, he's like,

"This is car 4667, reporting for duty."

I'm like, "Yes!

Baby, come listen.
He's on tonight. It's great."

It's so much fun.

But they give him
bullshit calls.

They do. They give him
bullshit calls, like...

You know,
they'll be like, "4667.

There's a 10-56 in progress."

He's like,
"Uh, roger. 10-56 in progress.

Uh..."

"This is an
intoxicated pedestrian."

I'm like,
"You guys are dicks. You're all dicks."

And it's a bullshit call
for like two hours.

He looks around.
Finally, he jumps on, he's like,

Uh, I do not see any intoxicated pedestrians."

His buddies are dicks too. They're like,

"4667.
Do you need assistance."

You guys are dicks. You're all dicks.

This goes on for weeks.

Finally one night,
the police chief jumps on.

Indianapoli One,
that's his call sign.

He jumps on, he's like,
"This is Indianapolis One. Listen up."

I'm like, "Good.
He's gonna stop this shit." He's like,

"Stop messing with 4667." -

Hey, guys. My name is Dewayne White.

You guys have been
an absolute blast. -

Thank you so much
for coming out. -

Thank you, guys.
Love y'all so much.

Have a great night, y'all.