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1
00:00:09,410 --> 00:00:11,243
Yay! Another run for the Topes.
2
00:00:11,394 --> 00:00:15,138
Why is everyone on the other
team old men and little kids?
3
00:00:15,140 --> 00:00:16,731
Well, little Abe, it's because
4
00:00:16,792 --> 00:00:18,417
all the good players in the league
5
00:00:18,568 --> 00:00:19,643
are off fighting the war.
6
00:00:19,645 --> 00:00:22,254
Our clever cowards found a way out.
7
00:00:22,330 --> 00:00:24,071
Now batting for Springfield,
8
00:00:24,073 --> 00:00:25,573
Fake Cough Johnson.
9
00:00:25,651 --> 00:00:27,484
Ooh, cough, cough.
10
00:00:29,488 --> 00:00:30,488
Yippee!
11
00:00:30,489 --> 00:00:31,746
- Yeah!
- Yay!
12
00:00:31,748 --> 00:00:34,674
Someday you'll be sitting
in these very seats
13
00:00:34,751 --> 00:00:37,994
enjoying baseball with
a grandson of your own.
14
00:00:37,996 --> 00:00:40,664
I can't wait for that someday.
15
00:00:45,337 --> 00:00:46,853
I'm still waiting.
16
00:00:49,950 --> 00:00:51,432
Bart, it's your grampa.
17
00:00:51,510 --> 00:00:53,660
It's a beautiful day for a ballgame.
18
00:00:53,695 --> 00:00:55,787
Eh, baseball's just a bunch of guys
19
00:00:55,864 --> 00:00:57,530
in tight pants barely moving.
20
00:00:57,607 --> 00:00:59,015
I can watch that here.
21
00:00:59,017 --> 00:01:02,109
Marge, my stomach ate my belt again.
22
00:01:02,187 --> 00:01:03,870
Look under the fold.
23
00:01:03,947 --> 00:01:05,538
I'm too a-scared.
24
00:01:05,615 --> 00:01:07,540
Ah, I guess it's just me
25
00:01:07,617 --> 00:01:10,376
and the self-storage units again.
26
00:01:10,453 --> 00:01:12,596
Dagnabbit!
27
00:01:14,475 --> 00:01:16,382
Hey! Now we're cooking.
28
00:01:16,459 --> 00:01:18,143
In the only way men should.
29
00:01:18,294 --> 00:01:20,386
Yeah! Heh.
30
00:01:20,463 --> 00:01:22,355
Another fan?
31
00:01:22,465 --> 00:01:24,541
Want some company?
32
00:01:26,636 --> 00:01:30,155
Oh, boy, I'll be right there!
33
00:01:34,477 --> 00:01:38,054
Another tough one for the Topes, huh?
34
00:01:38,056 --> 00:01:40,874
Yeah, yeah, tough one.
35
00:01:44,229 --> 00:01:46,153
We would've had a shot in '91
36
00:01:46,231 --> 00:01:49,082
if Flash Lewis didn't
get arrested mid-game.
37
00:01:49,158 --> 00:01:52,677
Oh, yeah, oh,
that guy could really steal bases.
38
00:01:52,679 --> 00:01:55,180
And nitrous from the dentist's office.
39
00:01:55,805 --> 00:01:59,075
Hey, you want to have some fun and,
uh, help the team?
40
00:01:59,094 --> 00:02:00,426
You suck!
41
00:02:00,503 --> 00:02:03,429
My kidney stones move
quicker than your fastball.
42
00:02:03,506 --> 00:02:07,675
You pitch worse than Sandy
Koufax on Yom Kippur.
43
00:02:07,694 --> 00:02:09,361
Whatever the hell that is!
44
00:02:12,199 --> 00:02:13,590
We rattled him.
45
00:02:13,592 --> 00:02:14,924
That wasn't because of you!
46
00:02:14,943 --> 00:02:17,110
I'm having troubles with my marriage.
47
00:02:17,112 --> 00:02:19,871
Well, at least
you're striking out somewhere.
48
00:02:22,396 --> 00:02:23,449
Oh!
49
00:02:23,451 --> 00:02:26,545
I've never enjoyed losing 14-1 more.
50
00:02:26,547 --> 00:02:29,381
Misery isn't so bad
when you have company.
51
00:02:29,457 --> 00:02:31,699
Yeah, hey,
they should make a saying about that.
52
00:02:31,777 --> 00:02:34,110
Yeah, but they probably won't.
53
00:02:34,129 --> 00:02:35,703
Mm.
54
00:02:35,781 --> 00:02:37,705
Hey, listen, uh, if you, uh,
55
00:02:37,783 --> 00:02:40,967
don't end up stroking out in
the next couple of days, uh,
56
00:02:41,044 --> 00:02:42,452
maybe we could do this again?
57
00:02:42,454 --> 00:02:43,711
Or not, or not.
58
00:02:43,789 --> 00:02:46,231
Ooh, why do you have
to come on so hard, Moe?
59
00:02:46,308 --> 00:02:48,215
Stupid, stupid, stupid...
60
00:02:48,235 --> 00:02:50,643
I'd love to.
61
00:02:50,645 --> 00:02:52,145
Wha...?
62
00:02:52,221 --> 00:02:53,554
Hey, that's great!
63
00:02:53,574 --> 00:02:55,465
Hey, would it,
would it be okay if I added you
64
00:02:55,467 --> 00:02:57,317
as a contact in my phone?
65
00:02:57,319 --> 00:02:58,818
You'd be the first one.
66
00:02:58,895 --> 00:03:01,137
And you'll be my only living one.
67
00:03:02,082 --> 00:03:06,159
♪ It's a beautiful day
for a ballgame ♪
68
00:03:06,161 --> 00:03:09,813
♪ For a ballgame today ♪
69
00:03:09,815 --> 00:03:13,908
♪ The fans are out to
get a ticket or two ♪
70
00:03:13,910 --> 00:03:17,411
♪ From Walla Walla,
Washington, to Kalamazoo. ♪
71
00:03:18,069 --> 00:03:19,172
My father?
72
00:03:19,248 --> 00:03:20,657
My bartender?
73
00:03:20,675 --> 00:03:23,326
The guy I'm gonna bury and
the guy who's gonna bury me?
74
00:03:23,328 --> 00:03:25,086
I got to drink to forget this.
75
00:03:25,105 --> 00:03:26,512
But where?
76
00:03:27,774 --> 00:03:29,090
We interrupt the ninth inning
77
00:03:29,167 --> 00:03:32,018
of this unprecedented
double perfect game
78
00:03:32,095 --> 00:03:33,928
for breaking baseball news.
79
00:03:34,005 --> 00:03:37,523
A once-in-a-generation prospect
is coming to the majors.
80
00:03:37,600 --> 00:03:39,342
Macedonian two-way phenom,
81
00:03:39,344 --> 00:03:41,027
Aeropos Walkov
82
00:03:41,104 --> 00:03:42,770
will leave the Minsk Golems
83
00:03:42,789 --> 00:03:44,530
to achieve his lifelong dream:
84
00:03:44,607 --> 00:03:46,683
playing in the U.S.
85
00:03:46,685 --> 00:03:48,701
Walkov developed his unique two-handed
86
00:03:48,778 --> 00:03:50,945
pitching style at the age of six,
87
00:03:50,947 --> 00:03:53,965
helping his father,
the village ratcatcher.
88
00:03:53,967 --> 00:03:58,044
Where he also developed
his immense power at the plate.
89
00:03:58,046 --> 00:03:59,638
Gotti!
90
00:03:59,714 --> 00:04:02,715
Every major league club is
gonna pull out all the stops
91
00:04:02,792 --> 00:04:04,643
to get Walkov to sign.
92
00:04:04,719 --> 00:04:08,204
Yeah, too bad the Topes can't
land a superstar like Walkov.
93
00:04:08,223 --> 00:04:11,207
But Springfield ain't
one of them classy cities
94
00:04:11,209 --> 00:04:13,726
like, uh, Philadelphia or Anaheim.
95
00:04:13,879 --> 00:04:16,303
If we started winning, maybe my grandson
96
00:04:16,381 --> 00:04:18,731
would finally go to a game with me.
97
00:04:20,143 --> 00:04:22,902
Suck that sigh right back
into your gobble shoot.
98
00:04:22,904 --> 00:04:25,054
So what if our city's a greased-stained
99
00:04:25,056 --> 00:04:26,389
mattress graveyard?
100
00:04:26,391 --> 00:04:29,225
Our team's got passionate,
dedicated fans.
101
00:04:29,227 --> 00:04:30,393
We do?
102
00:04:30,395 --> 00:04:33,487
Yeah, us,
you lovable bag of Alzheimer's.
103
00:04:33,507 --> 00:04:35,748
What we got to do is make a video
104
00:04:35,750 --> 00:04:38,843
with a personal appeal to
that two-handed-throwing
105
00:04:38,962 --> 00:04:40,512
Euro sasquatch.
106
00:04:40,588 --> 00:04:42,830
But all the rich teams
are gonna do that, too.
107
00:04:42,908 --> 00:04:44,908
Yeah, but what they don't know is
108
00:04:44,910 --> 00:04:48,261
is I speak a pretty good Macedonian.
109
00:04:48,337 --> 00:04:51,431
How? You barely speak English.
110
00:04:51,507 --> 00:04:54,934
No offense!
111
00:04:55,011 --> 00:04:57,253
Yeah, I learned it from my grandmother.
112
00:05:01,603 --> 00:05:04,209
_
113
00:05:04,538 --> 00:05:06,612
Yeah, nobody could put a cigarette out
114
00:05:06,765 --> 00:05:09,282
on the back of your
neck like Baba Branka.
115
00:05:10,013 --> 00:05:11,025
So what do you say?
116
00:05:11,102 --> 00:05:13,002
Let's make a video!
117
00:05:16,608 --> 00:05:19,108
Ah, geez, it's out of gas.
118
00:05:24,132 --> 00:05:27,058
Hey, Walkov, Chris Rock here
to tell you why you should come
119
00:05:27,135 --> 00:05:31,229
and play for my favorite team,
the New York Mets.
120
00:05:31,306 --> 00:05:32,731
What a city!
121
00:05:32,807 --> 00:05:35,792
Where else can you get
a sandwich at 3:00 a.m.
122
00:05:35,810 --> 00:05:39,220
and a gun at the same bodega?
123
00:05:39,769 --> 00:05:41,239
Oh.
124
00:05:41,316 --> 00:05:43,224
Mr. Walkov, I'm Danny Trejo.
125
00:05:43,301 --> 00:05:47,470
I have 468 credits on my IMDb.
126
00:05:47,472 --> 00:05:49,655
So why don't you just be like me
127
00:05:49,732 --> 00:05:54,143
and say yes to any job in L.A.?
128
00:05:54,162 --> 00:05:56,254
Hmm.
129
00:05:56,331 --> 00:05:59,132
Mm-mm. Mm-mm.
130
00:06:00,168 --> 00:06:01,593
Mm...
131
00:06:05,173 --> 00:06:06,765
Mm-mm. Mm.
132
00:06:08,176 --> 00:06:09,517
Hmm.
133
00:06:17,502 --> 00:06:19,685
Hello, Mr. Walkov.
134
00:06:22,114 --> 00:06:25,988
_
135
00:06:25,989 --> 00:06:30,000
_
136
00:06:30,001 --> 00:06:32,505
_
137
00:06:32,506 --> 00:06:34,441
_
138
00:06:34,442 --> 00:06:36,542
_
139
00:06:36,686 --> 00:06:39,964
The point is, you big,
beautiful, farm-fed foreigner...
140
00:06:40,041 --> 00:06:41,299
Springfield.
141
00:06:41,450 --> 00:06:42,859
Hearts.
142
00:06:42,877 --> 00:06:44,527
Walkov!
143
00:06:44,546 --> 00:06:46,304
Oh, my drone!
144
00:06:46,381 --> 00:06:48,306
I was gonna use it to see if the trees
145
00:06:48,457 --> 00:06:51,893
I planted in erotic
formations have grown in.
146
00:06:55,618 --> 00:06:56,634
_
147
00:07:08,061 --> 00:07:10,561
I am here because of a beautiful video
148
00:07:10,563 --> 00:07:12,396
made by these two men:
149
00:07:12,398 --> 00:07:13,564
Corpse
150
00:07:13,716 --> 00:07:15,474
and Gargoyle.
151
00:07:15,526 --> 00:07:16,550
We did it!
152
00:07:16,627 --> 00:07:19,295
We saved Springfield baseball!
153
00:07:22,633 --> 00:07:24,817
Springfield baseball!
154
00:07:27,305 --> 00:07:30,149
I gotta assume that's
a misunderstanding.
155
00:07:32,658 --> 00:07:35,762
There's a superstar in
Springfield for the first time
156
00:07:35,861 --> 00:07:37,547
since Bullseye the Target dog's
157
00:07:37,567 --> 00:07:40,499
private plane landed
here to empty its trash.
158
00:07:40,651 --> 00:07:44,503
Thanks to the newly signed Walkov,
baseball is back.
159
00:07:45,914 --> 00:07:48,290
And Mayor Quimby has sold
off every traffic light
160
00:07:48,326 --> 00:07:51,176
in town to pay for
renovations to the ballpark.
161
00:07:52,163 --> 00:07:54,438
Go Isotopes...
162
00:07:57,526 --> 00:07:59,294
_
163
00:08:01,078 --> 00:08:03,371
_
164
00:08:12,183 --> 00:08:15,851
Thanks for taking me to see
Walkov's first game, Grampa.
165
00:08:15,853 --> 00:08:18,871
My grandson is going to a game with me.
166
00:08:19,023 --> 00:08:22,024
Now I can die less unhappy.
167
00:08:22,043 --> 00:08:24,302
All because of what youse and me did.
168
00:08:24,378 --> 00:08:27,972
We're a great team,
like Martin and Lewis.
169
00:08:28,123 --> 00:08:29,974
Thank you for noticing.
170
00:08:30,125 --> 00:08:32,626
Wow, look at this place.
171
00:08:34,630 --> 00:08:36,314
The scoreboard's huge!
172
00:08:36,390 --> 00:08:39,299
It's like everyone here is
looking at the same phone.
173
00:08:39,377 --> 00:08:41,802
Still too small!
174
00:08:41,821 --> 00:08:43,045
Ladies and gentlemen,
175
00:08:43,064 --> 00:08:45,990
please rise for our national anthem.
176
00:08:46,067 --> 00:08:48,717
Ooh, I got to go translate
the anthem for Walkov.
177
00:08:48,719 --> 00:08:49,976
It's kind of tough 'cause there's
178
00:08:49,996 --> 00:08:52,054
no Macedonian word for "free."
179
00:08:52,073 --> 00:08:55,074
Hey, you want to meet the big
teddy bear after the game?
180
00:08:55,150 --> 00:08:57,059
Wow, you think I could?
181
00:08:57,078 --> 00:08:59,078
Of course. Walkov wouldn't even be here
182
00:08:59,154 --> 00:09:00,987
if it weren't for your gramps.
183
00:09:01,065 --> 00:09:04,425
And, in some sick way,
neither would youse.
184
00:09:09,256 --> 00:09:11,740
Go ahead, kid, show me you're a winner.
185
00:09:11,742 --> 00:09:14,018
I heart Szyslak.
186
00:09:22,862 --> 00:09:24,445
- Attaboy!
- Yay!
187
00:09:43,549 --> 00:09:45,716
Starting off your Major
League career with a win?
188
00:09:45,826 --> 00:09:47,200
That's got to be a great feeling.
189
00:09:47,220 --> 00:09:48,961
Just like when I played for the Marlins.
190
00:09:54,452 --> 00:09:58,562
In Macedonia,
our widows chant mournful dirges
191
00:09:58,564 --> 00:10:01,023
for your garbage Marlins.
192
00:10:01,884 --> 00:10:03,734
Oh, where's Walkov going?
193
00:10:03,736 --> 00:10:05,236
You said I could meet him.
194
00:10:05,387 --> 00:10:08,130
Sorry, kids,
the big lug's teaching himself English
195
00:10:08,132 --> 00:10:09,723
by watching Family Guy.
196
00:10:09,800 --> 00:10:11,316
Giggity, giggity.
197
00:10:11,469 --> 00:10:12,801
I got to go.
198
00:10:12,820 --> 00:10:15,371
It's a road trip and I
am traveling in style.
199
00:10:18,809 --> 00:10:20,751
Oh, I'm gonna be so regular.
200
00:10:24,590 --> 00:10:26,331
Walkov approaches the plate.
201
00:10:26,408 --> 00:10:29,151
And here comes the pitch,
sponsored by Squatty Potty.
202
00:10:29,170 --> 00:10:31,820
It's a long drive,
sponsored by Hankook tires.
203
00:10:31,822 --> 00:10:34,990
Walkov makes it to third base,
sponsored by Trojan condoms.
204
00:10:34,992 --> 00:10:37,417
Trojan, for when she waves you in.
205
00:10:37,495 --> 00:10:38,661
Wait a minute.
206
00:10:38,679 --> 00:10:41,346
This game is just one big commercial.
207
00:10:41,499 --> 00:10:43,941
Hey, this series of
sponsorships is sponsored by...
208
00:10:43,943 --> 00:10:47,519
After a hard day turning
Macedonian into normal,
209
00:10:47,596 --> 00:10:50,096
I wet my whistle with Gren-Aid.
210
00:10:51,509 --> 00:10:53,617
Ka-boom drink.
211
00:10:53,694 --> 00:10:55,435
Ah!
212
00:10:55,513 --> 00:10:57,696
Ka-boom drink!
213
00:10:57,698 --> 00:11:00,624
_
214
00:11:04,560 --> 00:11:05,654
_
215
00:11:06,868 --> 00:11:08,192
_
216
00:11:15,036 --> 00:11:17,102
_
217
00:11:20,221 --> 00:11:22,963
Please accept this
traditional Macedonian vest
218
00:11:23,040 --> 00:11:26,859
from Mr. Walkov in memory
of your meaningful tryst.
219
00:11:27,820 --> 00:11:29,445
Giggity.
220
00:11:30,564 --> 00:11:32,656
And so, after spending millions
221
00:11:32,733 --> 00:11:35,326
of tax dollars on the
BALCO investigation,
222
00:11:35,402 --> 00:11:39,980
not a single steroid
abuser was ever punished.
223
00:11:40,057 --> 00:11:43,167
Oh, Grampa, you and your stories.
224
00:11:43,244 --> 00:11:45,410
I'm sorry, sir, you can't go in
225
00:11:45,563 --> 00:11:47,505
unless you're a member
of the De Beers Diamonds
226
00:11:47,581 --> 00:11:49,489
Diamond Club Gold.
227
00:11:52,160 --> 00:11:55,420
But these seats have been
in my family for 80 years.
228
00:11:55,497 --> 00:11:56,680
Section J.
229
00:11:56,682 --> 00:12:00,100
Oh, yes, you still sit in Section J.
230
00:12:10,363 --> 00:12:13,847
Two hot dogs for me and my grandson.
231
00:12:13,924 --> 00:12:16,033
Oh, we don't sell hot dogs anymore.
232
00:12:16,110 --> 00:12:18,944
Crème brûlée,
get your crème brûlée here!
233
00:12:19,096 --> 00:12:21,354
Served in a souvenir ramekin.
234
00:12:21,374 --> 00:12:22,706
Seafood towers!
235
00:12:22,858 --> 00:12:26,118
It ain't a ballgame
without a seafood tower.
236
00:12:26,194 --> 00:12:27,378
Ortolan!
237
00:12:27,529 --> 00:12:29,454
Brandy-drowned baby birds.
238
00:12:29,531 --> 00:12:31,549
Comes with team logo napkin
239
00:12:31,700 --> 00:12:34,126
to hide your shame from God.
240
00:12:35,129 --> 00:12:36,870
That's so wrong.
241
00:12:36,872 --> 00:12:38,889
No hot dogs?!
242
00:12:38,966 --> 00:12:42,017
Sit down, you bandwagon betties!
243
00:12:44,138 --> 00:12:48,274
Oh, is there any place left
that's just for only fans?
244
00:12:49,402 --> 00:12:50,793
Aah!
245
00:12:51,680 --> 00:12:52,978
Moe, you're not gonna believe
246
00:12:52,980 --> 00:12:55,798
the way everything has
changed around here.
247
00:12:55,800 --> 00:12:57,132
Abe, will you please? I'm working here.
248
00:12:57,134 --> 00:12:58,817
Walkov's doing the product launch
249
00:12:58,894 --> 00:13:01,153
of his caffeinated goat jerky.
250
00:13:02,306 --> 00:13:03,806
Well, youse didn't hear it from me,
251
00:13:03,808 --> 00:13:06,542
but, uh,
soon we'll be branching out to llama.
252
00:13:09,415 --> 00:13:10,773
What happened to that guy
253
00:13:10,808 --> 00:13:12,089
that loved baseball so much
254
00:13:12,166 --> 00:13:15,241
he taped over the 1998
Westminster Dog Show
255
00:13:15,319 --> 00:13:17,761
to make that video for Walkov?
256
00:13:17,838 --> 00:13:20,155
Ah, the dogs weren't that hot that year.
257
00:13:20,157 --> 00:13:22,341
I'll tell you what happened to that guy.
258
00:13:22,493 --> 00:13:24,343
He sold out.
259
00:13:24,419 --> 00:13:25,494
Oh, is that right?
260
00:13:25,496 --> 00:13:26,678
You're right it's right.
261
00:13:26,755 --> 00:13:28,606
They're putting ads everywhere now.
262
00:13:28,682 --> 00:13:30,256
Even on the bases.
263
00:13:31,669 --> 00:13:34,186
Well, you're just jealous
that I'm Walkov's buddy.
264
00:13:34,262 --> 00:13:36,596
That beautiful Balkan boy loves me
265
00:13:36,674 --> 00:13:38,098
and Springfield loves him.
266
00:13:38,175 --> 00:13:40,284
But all this fiddle-faddle
that came with him
267
00:13:40,435 --> 00:13:42,786
is bad for baseball!
268
00:13:42,863 --> 00:13:45,438
Having empty stadiums
was bad for baseball.
269
00:13:45,440 --> 00:13:48,183
Now they're packed,
making money wart over bunion.
270
00:13:48,185 --> 00:13:51,019
And soon the league is
gonna expand to 50 teams.
271
00:13:51,021 --> 00:13:53,021
They might even get one in Tampa.
272
00:13:53,023 --> 00:13:54,857
Well, I say I saved baseball,
273
00:13:54,859 --> 00:13:56,875
and you were just a
bunch of sour grapes.
274
00:13:57,027 --> 00:14:00,846
I wish I never let you
into my life or my phone!
275
00:14:04,201 --> 00:14:05,884
- Ah! Consarn.
- Ah.
276
00:14:07,803 --> 00:14:10,555
What are you watching one of
your potato unboxing videos?
277
00:14:11,162 --> 00:14:12,298
Whoa there.
278
00:14:12,376 --> 00:14:13,417
Draft-Pigs?
279
00:14:13,468 --> 00:14:14,652
Uh, that's a betting site.
280
00:14:14,728 --> 00:14:17,062
Hey, gambling can get you suspended.
281
00:14:17,139 --> 00:14:19,398
At least you're not betting on base...
282
00:14:19,550 --> 00:14:22,308
...ball!
And you're betting on the Topes?!
283
00:14:22,386 --> 00:14:24,069
No! No, no, no!
284
00:14:26,648 --> 00:14:27,739
I'm so sorry!
285
00:14:27,892 --> 00:14:30,075
I go under instead of over!
286
00:14:30,152 --> 00:14:32,670
Do you whip Walkov now?
287
00:14:32,746 --> 00:14:34,229
How did this happen?
288
00:14:34,231 --> 00:14:37,174
How did you even hear about
sports betting, anyway?
289
00:14:40,237 --> 00:14:41,420
Oh.
290
00:14:41,496 --> 00:14:43,847
Not giggity!
291
00:14:46,276 --> 00:14:47,893
Not giggity!
292
00:14:53,434 --> 00:14:55,508
A subject line should be short.
293
00:14:55,528 --> 00:14:56,694
You don't have to write
294
00:14:56,696 --> 00:14:59,029
the whole email in there, okay?
295
00:15:00,441 --> 00:15:02,199
Abe, we got to talk. In private.
296
00:15:02,276 --> 00:15:04,593
Away from all of these,
these wrinkletons.
297
00:15:04,595 --> 00:15:06,762
I got nothing to say to you.
298
00:15:06,780 --> 00:15:08,294
Something horrible happened.
299
00:15:08,329 --> 00:15:09,846
Walkov's gambling.
300
00:15:09,881 --> 00:15:12,517
And he called a press conference
to come clean about it.
301
00:15:12,519 --> 00:15:14,961
So why are you bothering me?
302
00:15:14,963 --> 00:15:17,355
You got to help me talk him
out of telling the truth.
303
00:15:17,432 --> 00:15:19,007
Everything's gonna disappear.
304
00:15:19,009 --> 00:15:20,191
The team trips,
305
00:15:20,268 --> 00:15:22,344
people calling me Mr. Creepo,
306
00:15:22,362 --> 00:15:24,454
the steaks with a little plastic cow
307
00:15:24,531 --> 00:15:26,772
stuck in them saying
how it's been cooked.
308
00:15:26,850 --> 00:15:29,184
I can't go back to unlabeled steak!
309
00:15:30,520 --> 00:15:32,629
So that's all you care about?
310
00:15:32,631 --> 00:15:35,406
You don't give a leprechaun's lick
311
00:15:35,484 --> 00:15:38,026
about baseball and now you want my help?
312
00:15:38,028 --> 00:15:40,028
Well, tough tomboys.
313
00:15:40,030 --> 00:15:42,121
Lisa, print out my email.
314
00:15:42,199 --> 00:15:44,290
So it's ready for the email man.
315
00:15:44,368 --> 00:15:46,201
That's not how it wor...
316
00:15:46,219 --> 00:15:47,394
Okay.
317
00:15:48,722 --> 00:15:50,054
Hiya, puppy.
318
00:15:50,131 --> 00:15:51,906
I got some bad news about the sport
319
00:15:51,908 --> 00:15:53,316
you love as much as I do.
320
00:15:53,393 --> 00:15:57,154
Turns out baseball breeds
nothing but snakes and scugs.
321
00:15:57,230 --> 00:16:00,382
And Walkov is the
biggest rat of them all.
322
00:16:00,384 --> 00:16:01,491
Walkov? Is he hurt?
323
00:16:01,493 --> 00:16:02,884
That means I got an edge.
324
00:16:02,886 --> 00:16:04,286
I got to lay down a bet now.
325
00:16:05,330 --> 00:16:07,313
You're g-g-gambling?!
326
00:16:07,332 --> 00:16:10,074
Of course, everybody else is cashing in.
327
00:16:10,151 --> 00:16:11,984
I'd be a sucker not to.
328
00:16:12,062 --> 00:16:14,171
Where'd you ever get that idea?
329
00:16:14,247 --> 00:16:16,414
I learned from watching Yu...
330
00:16:16,416 --> 00:16:20,159
Darvish. Yu's covered the
spread in six straight starts.
331
00:16:20,161 --> 00:16:23,405
How does a kid get on a gambling site?
332
00:16:23,407 --> 00:16:25,557
Easy, Dad helped me.
333
00:16:27,001 --> 00:16:29,744
That's the thing about furniture.
334
00:16:29,746 --> 00:16:31,938
It has an agenda.
335
00:16:33,083 --> 00:16:34,916
Oh, sweet tomboys!
336
00:16:34,935 --> 00:16:37,435
- This is terrible!
- I know.
337
00:16:37,587 --> 00:16:39,679
If the Phillies don't get
at least 3.5 runs today,
338
00:16:39,756 --> 00:16:42,324
I'll have to sell my bike.
339
00:16:45,828 --> 00:16:46,828
_
340
00:16:46,829 --> 00:16:49,329
_
341
00:16:49,449 --> 00:16:53,293
Thank you for coming,
but I have something I need to confess.
342
00:16:56,636 --> 00:16:58,623
_
343
00:17:00,126 --> 00:17:02,719
Yeah, okay, he wants to say that, uh,
344
00:17:02,796 --> 00:17:05,055
well, he loves playing
here in Springfield
345
00:17:05,131 --> 00:17:06,890
and, uh, what you call it,
346
00:17:06,892 --> 00:17:09,509
oh, everybody should, uh,
buckle up on the way home.
347
00:17:09,544 --> 00:17:11,728
Right? Click it or ticket, okay.
348
00:17:13,381 --> 00:17:16,673
_
349
00:17:17,700 --> 00:17:20,144
That's Macedonian for "Go Topes."
350
00:17:22,390 --> 00:17:24,908
Yeah, Steve Gelbs, Draft-Pigs News.
351
00:17:25,059 --> 00:17:28,578
Walkov, why are you crying
and whipping yourself?
352
00:17:29,016 --> 00:17:33,454
_
353
00:17:33,585 --> 00:17:35,326
Oh, Walkov's just real excited, uh,
354
00:17:35,403 --> 00:17:37,495
for the big series in Pittsburgh.
355
00:17:37,572 --> 00:17:40,406
And, um, oh,
he's always wanted to ride that, uh,
356
00:17:40,484 --> 00:17:42,834
Duquesne Incline Funicular.
357
00:17:42,910 --> 00:17:45,153
Matt Lauer,
Senior Baseball Correspondent
358
00:17:45,155 --> 00:17:47,005
for BetBastards.com.
359
00:17:47,081 --> 00:17:49,824
I think I can speak for
all of us when I say...
360
00:17:49,826 --> 00:17:53,085
we completely buy that explanation.
361
00:17:59,853 --> 00:18:01,427
Great, very good questions.
362
00:18:01,429 --> 00:18:04,355
Hard-hitting. See youse at the ballpark.
363
00:18:04,632 --> 00:18:06,966
Wait one milk of magnesia minute.
364
00:18:07,043 --> 00:18:09,652
I have a question... not for Walkov,
365
00:18:09,729 --> 00:18:11,821
but for an old friend.
366
00:18:13,973 --> 00:18:16,217
This is only for credentialed press.
367
00:18:16,219 --> 00:18:18,310
Shut up, skinny Weinstein.
368
00:18:18,330 --> 00:18:22,165
What do you say when baseball's
unquenchable pursuit of greed
369
00:18:22,316 --> 00:18:25,150
leads to a ten-year-old boy
370
00:18:25,228 --> 00:18:27,170
gambling on your sport?
371
00:18:27,247 --> 00:18:30,064
I'm just gambling till I
get myself out of this hole.
372
00:18:30,066 --> 00:18:31,749
And then I'm going to quit.
373
00:18:33,086 --> 00:18:34,511
Until football starts.
374
00:18:34,587 --> 00:18:36,420
Bart? Betting?
375
00:18:38,833 --> 00:18:41,409
Walkov,
who do you like for the AFC South?
376
00:18:41,427 --> 00:18:43,077
The Titans are plus 750.
377
00:18:43,079 --> 00:18:44,412
No!
378
00:18:44,414 --> 00:18:46,689
Oh, he's just a sweet, innocent kid.
379
00:18:46,766 --> 00:18:50,175
Just like Walkov,
and I've ruined 'em both.
380
00:18:50,253 --> 00:18:52,754
Uh, the truth is...
381
00:18:52,756 --> 00:18:54,922
Walkov's been gambling.
382
00:18:54,924 --> 00:18:57,200
Yeah, youse is right to gasp and murmur.
383
00:18:57,351 --> 00:18:59,443
He's been betting like
a plumber on payday.
384
00:18:59,596 --> 00:19:01,095
He's betting on baseball.
385
00:19:01,392 --> 00:19:02,947
But baseball's this sport.
386
00:19:03,099 --> 00:19:04,265
And it's all your fault.
387
00:19:04,284 --> 00:19:05,950
Baseball used to be about men
388
00:19:06,027 --> 00:19:07,877
making hundreds of millions of dollars
389
00:19:08,029 --> 00:19:09,453
to play a child's game.
390
00:19:09,455 --> 00:19:12,048
And then money came into the picture.
391
00:19:12,125 --> 00:19:15,218
And now the whole league
is in bed with the bookies.
392
00:19:15,295 --> 00:19:19,055
The teams, the stadiums,
even the networks.
393
00:19:19,132 --> 00:19:22,116
But we always tell them
to gamble responsibly.
394
00:19:22,118 --> 00:19:24,769
Oh, yeah, and I tell my booze
bags to drink responsibly.
395
00:19:27,048 --> 00:19:28,456
I'm... drunk.
396
00:19:28,458 --> 00:19:30,716
Gambling's the top of
the food chain now.
397
00:19:30,794 --> 00:19:32,126
Pays all your salaries.
398
00:19:32,128 --> 00:19:35,054
But, hey, when a potato
out of dirt like Walkov
399
00:19:35,131 --> 00:19:37,648
actually makes a bet, oh-ho-ho,
400
00:19:37,725 --> 00:19:39,984
you hypocrites pretend to be offended.
401
00:19:40,136 --> 00:19:43,321
You've ruined the six-hour
sun slog between guys
402
00:19:43,473 --> 00:19:45,064
that are too skinny for football
403
00:19:45,141 --> 00:19:46,583
and too short for basketball
404
00:19:46,734 --> 00:19:51,254
that used to deserve to be
called America's Pastime.
405
00:19:52,649 --> 00:19:55,817
Thanks, Moe. You did save baseball.
406
00:19:55,819 --> 00:19:57,835
Nah, we did.
407
00:19:57,912 --> 00:20:00,955
After a thorough
45-minute investigation,
408
00:20:00,990 --> 00:20:04,186
the commissioner's office has
determined that Aeropos Walkov
409
00:20:04,221 --> 00:20:07,328
is completely innocent
of betting on baseball.
410
00:20:07,330 --> 00:20:09,088
The guilty party was determined to be
411
00:20:09,165 --> 00:20:12,275
the disgraced former team
translator Moe Szyslak.
412
00:20:12,426 --> 00:20:13,851
Looking for a fresh start,
413
00:20:14,003 --> 00:20:17,004
Walkov has signed an
$800 million contract
414
00:20:17,006 --> 00:20:20,858
with the newly renamed
San Francisco Draft-Pigs.
415
00:20:20,935 --> 00:20:23,102
I rich here now.
416
00:20:23,121 --> 00:20:25,104
Giggity!
417
00:20:26,252 --> 00:20:27,957
I guess when you have to choose between
418
00:20:28,034 --> 00:20:29,959
your moneymaker or your Moe,
419
00:20:30,036 --> 00:20:31,535
the decision's pretty easy.
420
00:20:31,612 --> 00:20:34,355
At least Bart isn't gambling anymore.
421
00:20:34,357 --> 00:20:35,781
Drinks are on me, boys.
422
00:20:35,800 --> 00:20:37,525
Well, at least he's not losing.
423
00:20:50,288 --> 00:20:52,098
Photo shoot
taking place on the infield
424
00:20:52,189 --> 00:20:53,566
and Gramps isn't having it.
425
00:20:53,585 --> 00:20:55,877
"This isn't what I bought a ticket for!
426
00:20:55,879 --> 00:20:57,545
I didn't come to see ads gettin'
filmed!"
427
00:20:57,547 --> 00:20:58,488
Throws the ticket on the field.
428
00:20:58,564 --> 00:21:00,139
One poke, two poke, three pokes.
429
00:21:00,141 --> 00:21:01,732
"Oh,
I'm gonna have to turn my hat around!"
430
00:21:01,734 --> 00:21:03,142
"I'll turn my hat around!
431
00:21:03,144 --> 00:21:05,495
"I hate all this marketing!
It's everywhere!
432
00:21:05,571 --> 00:21:07,221
It's even on the bases!"
433
00:21:07,223 --> 00:21:08,480
Throws the base.
434
00:21:08,482 --> 00:21:12,484
"It's bad for baseball!"
435
00:21:12,486 --> 00:21:13,836
And he says, "Okay." One nose kiss,
436
00:21:13,838 --> 00:21:15,821
two nose kisses, three nose kisses.
437
00:21:15,899 --> 00:21:17,322
They think he's done with nose kisses.
438
00:21:17,400 --> 00:21:19,901
He comes back for a fourth.
439
00:21:19,903 --> 00:21:21,660
He says, "Oh, you want to kiss my nose?"
440
00:21:21,738 --> 00:21:23,087
He goes, "I'll throw my hat.
441
00:21:23,164 --> 00:21:24,830
"I'll kick dirt on it with my left foot.
442
00:21:24,908 --> 00:21:26,999
"And then I'll eject you from my phone
443
00:21:27,076 --> 00:21:28,500
"and kick my hat with the right foot.
444
00:21:28,520 --> 00:21:29,727
I'm outta here."
445
00:21:30,763 --> 00:21:31,821
Shh!
446
00:21:34,785 --> 00:21:37,698
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