All language subtitles for Divorces!-ENG

born on June 4th 1971 in Lyon, musician,

and living at 21 Ormeaux Street,
in Fontenay.

Not the same apartment.

They're neighbors.

So, they've applied for divorce

on mutual grounds

and with the following agreements.

About the possessions,
separated for three years,

the parties have already divided equally

the furniture and properties they share.

On the matter of finances,
both parties have decided

to give up any type
of alimony or compensatory allowance.

About their son, Thomas,

the parties are equally sharing custody,

have already established joint custody,

with a schedule based on
each party's priorities

and the interest of the child.

Good.

Do you still agree with this?

No regrets?

No hesitation?

None.

Okay.

"A wet bride is a lucky divorcee."

Sure.

Then you can sign.

There.

Here.

There will be a few friends.

Very simple, nothing fancy.

We hope that you'll be there. Bye!

Bye!

An amazing divorce. Verging on perfection.

Well, thank you.

-It was almost pleasant.
-Thanks.

I hope we'll keep divorcing together
for a a long time.

-Have a nice day.
-Bye.

When did we start celebrating divorces
with RSVPs and catering?

When we started ruining marriages
with divorce contracts.

You can go to war,

rip him of half his things,
have your kids hate him…

Say she's a drunk,
a sadist, frigid,

lewd, treacherous, disloyal…

Kick him out of the house
and make it last for a year, three.

Or even five years.

But no funny business.

Of course.

As long as you're married,
you must stay faithful.

Fucking means adultery.

Which means there is a PI.

Door open, a picture in bed,

you hide, wife cries, mistress leaves.

Take the money, hide the jewelry,

have your husband followed
it would take too much time.

You'd come out of this worn out…

-Washed out…
-Whacked.

A few years of therapy…

Hundreds of antidepressants,

facelifts and liposuctions.

But that's fine, you're 47.

In seven years, you'll be 42.

You can still remarry, right?

Right?

Or…

You don't go to war.

Just relax.

A successful divorce is like
a successful marriage.

One plus one equals three.

You, him and the couple.

Like Alfred Capus said,
we talk about the bond of marriage…

But the bond of divorce is even stronger.

1954.

1793.

One plus one equals three,
that's what went wrong in your marriage.

And we're gonna help you
get that right in your divorce.

With two separate lawyers,

to protect both of your interests.

But two lawyers

that are a couple.

A happy couple.

And we will defend you

as parents,

to protect your kids, and you.

For a successful divorce.

An amicable divorce.

Which will be the foundation
of a new life.

And between us,

splitting furniture
by throwing it at each other is so 20th…

century.

Please.

Thanks again.

Always trust the pros.

I'll see you out.

Think about it,

call us when you're ready.

-Anytime. Bye.
-Thank you.

There.

-Ma'am, this came for you.
-Okay.

Let's go, we're gonna be late.

Do we really have to go?

We said we would, we can't bail now.

I have a few things to do, go ahead,

I'll meet you there.

-You have to come.
-Sure.

Can you ask Célia to put

the girls to bed? We'll be home late.

Don't wait for me, I'll close.

Okay, thank you.

And how are you?

Hey!

-She's hot!
-Some people are lucky.

My hero!

Your wife didn't come?

She'll come later.

This is Thomas.

The beautiful result
of our parenting couple.

I've heard a lot about you.

Can I get you a drink? Come on.

So this is the show apartment

of a perfect couple in the 21st century.

Exactly.

Mr. Zeldère, please leave a message.

This is Miss Dubois. I'm calling
for the Philippon case.

My client is in a hurry,

she's being transferred in June.

It needs to be done by then.

Can you call me back
tomorrow morning?

My number is 06 85…

NOVEMBER 17

COQ DE BRUYÈRE HOTEL

So Arthur on this side,
and me there.

So two apartments side by side, and Thomas

between both places.

With this door when he's with Mom,
and that door

when he's staying with his dad.

The doors stay closed

when Thomas is staying
with the other parent,

because we respect each other's privacy.

Follow the guide.
The tour is not over yet.

Marriage benefits with divorce benefits.

So happy, so touching.

Don't be jealous, one day it'll be you.

I'm telling you, I don't know…

Of course you do!

You start everything…

You're home early.

-I'm tired.
-I get it.

The judo teacher is sick,
no class tomorrow.

I'll pick her up after school?

Sure. Thank you, Célia.

Enjoy your night.

Thank you. You too.

I'll see you tomorrow.

See you tomorrow.

-You're home?
-Yes, I'm home.

I'm here. Go back to sleep.

Go back to sleep.

Florence,

in presence of the holy judge

and everyone who gathered here
in austerity and cold,

will you take Arthur as your ex-husband,

and give him your kids some weekends
until you die?

I do.

And you, Arthur,

will you take Florence as your ex-wife,

to resent and hate her

and see your kids
four and a half days a month

for half of your salary?

I do.

I now pronounce you
ex-husband and ex-wife,

for misery or for worse,

until death does you good.

-Amen!
-Amen!

Yeah!

Congratulations!

It's no surprise
it didn't work between us.

Who is screaming?

It's nothing, honey. Don't worry.

-It's just the TV.
-She woke me again.

It's okay.

You'll go back to sleep. Everybody in bed.

Daddy!

You, Arthur, will you take Florence

as your ex-wife…

To resent and hate her…

Kill her and curse her!

Until death does you good.

It's too funny, I can't help it.

You should have come,
it was nice in the end.

And I met a couple of future clients.

They all want a divorce.

Yes.

I don't know what's going on…

Giant fleas! Oh, my God!

Help me!

Is something wrong?

No, I'm fine.

It's just that…

They have school.

Ah, flea school.

Go to bed now!

Go, go, go!

Go!

That's it, come on.

How are you?

-Thank you.
-Sure.

Are you sick?

Not at all, Mom.

You have to work

-all weekend?
-No.

Girls!

Come on!

On Monday,
middle school, 8:00 a.m., primary, 8:20.

Pauline takes antibiotics
'cause she was sick.

Alice is taking vitamins
for her hair, okay?

That's it.

If you're not working,
what are you doing?

I'm joining the resistance.

-The resistance?
-Exactly.

So, the medicine,
school bags, judo and pony,

we're good.

Okay.

Have fun.

Célia will pick you up at school
on Monday!

Love you!

Girls?

Girls!

What's wrong? You sick?

No, not at all, honey.

The girls?

They're with my mom.

For the weekend.

Are we working this weekend?

No, actually we're not working for once.

I have a gift for us.

Sophisticated corkscrew with a piston.

Great.

Do you want to take a shower?

Is it for men?

You should've kept the tag on
if you don't like it.

No, I do like it.

It's soft.

-To us.
-To us.

-I went to the Administrative Office…
-We said no talking about work.

-Did we?
-Yes.

Okay.

And Pauline's cough?

No talking about the kids either.

What are we gonna talk about?

-Us.
-Us?

-It needs to breathe.
-Sure.

So…

The verdict?

Did they reach a verdict?

For Dumuniel?

Yes. He got everything he wanted.

Good. He must've been happy.

Very.

And Pauline?

-Her cough?
-Almost over tonight.

Good.

I'm really happy.

All of this, I love it.

Good.

It's been a while since we…

Wait, I wanted to light the fire to…

To keep us warm.

Are you sure it's working?

Yes. They're for barbecues.

I bought a lot.

And a lot of logs, and candles.

I wanted to do all of that,
to give us a lovely night.

Yesterday, I thought,
"We're working constantly,"

but we're doing really great,
I'm really happy,

we have fun, but…

We haven't…

been together in a while.

We don't go to movies or restaurants.

We haven't been away in a while.

The girls are older but…

They still take a lot of our time.

You see?

We should take more time

to be together, to…

To get the fire back.

What is that?

It looks like oil.

Don't you think?

That was a close call.

Thank you, Corporal.

Okay.

Mister…

Dubois.

Dubois.

Mr. Dubois,

let's be honest…

When's the last time

you hauled the ashes?

Ma'am, you know that
if he doesn't haul your ashes,

you could be really screwed.

I know, yes.

I do it.

I do it just like everybody else.

Is that your main home or the second home?

Please.

We're talking about this chimney.

How many times do you haul the ashes?

I don't know.

Once or twice a year.

Something like that.

Do you have the certificates?

I don't.

No certificate.

Without a certificate,

the insurance won't cover the hauling.

That's what happens when you neglect it.

Anyway, forget about the certificates,

we have another problem,

and it's more serious.

-Another problem?
-Yes.

Your duct is bent.

Bent?

So a bent duct means

you're screwed
if you don't haul your ashes.

My duct is not…

Yes, it is, ma'am.

Unless you do considerable work,

he can haul all he wants,
you'll still be screwed.

Can I give you some advice?

If you want a good fire,
look somewhere else.

That's none of your business.

There are serious failures

with regulation and cleaning,

so I doubt your insurance will cover
the damage.

Sorry about that.

That's what I call a new spark.

The keys…

I'm not gonna make a scene.

Asking who she is
would be too humiliating.

Of course.

The very short skirt…

Yeah?

Who is she?

You don't know her.

How long?

How long? Tell me.

-Three months.
-Three months?

When did you…

Good morning.

With all the work,
when do you have time to…

Did you hire the…

-The photographer?
-No.

It wasn't me. Must be an admirer,

a jealous rival, an unhappy customer.

I was probably…

photographed too.

But they didn't find anything!

Smells like something is burning.

Have a nice day.

You're not begging for forgiveness?

Sorry, Valentine, but…

No, no "but…"

Valentine, this is not a big deal.
We're better than this.

What are you doing?

As you can see,

I'm taking your suitcase,

putting your little
Calvin Klein shorts in there,

your little fucking Paul Smith suits!

Now you're on a business trip.

That's it. Dad is on a business trip.

The girls know I don't do that.

Should I say you're cheating on me then?

Look…

How long is this business trip?

That depends.

Is she good business?

She must be good in bed,

or you'd be begging me now.

It's complicated.

Maybe we're there for a reason.

"We are?"

"We are?"

We're not like the others.
We'll stay decent and smart.

Take some time to think.

I mean, you will. Like two weeks.

From today.

Then give me your conclusions
and I'll reach a verdict.

Fine, Your Honor.

I'm sure you have a place to stay.

Or does she live with her parents?

Valentine…

You won't be disbarred
for corruption of a minor.

In the meantime…

of course,

nobody can know.

Not here, not at the firm, no one knows.

No.

You don't have more wrinkles!

It's just like last time.

Or maybe a tiny bit more,

because it's been a while.

As for cellulite, believe me,

after 35, all women have it.

But not before, that's the problem.

Well…

I see.

Let's do this.

That's wild.

That's a bit extreme.

Did you shave?

It's trimming that you need.

Then trim it.

Be sensible,

we always hide the cellulite
under the hair.

No.

To keep your man, you must make an effort.

Let me give you the secret.

Waxing and scrubbing once a week.

A woman that looks after her body

looks after her marriage.

So put your body in good hands…

And trust the pros.

I know, thank you.

Hold on, I am right.

All women's magazines say so.

Happiness is like a hair.

It's as thin as a metro ticket.

But you must punch it regularly.

Sure. But it's like
open everyday, 10 to 10,

so when's the waxing, scrubbing, punching?

I am here for my client.

You're selling your tickets,

and your husband, like the others,

gets his club card
to punch another ticket.

I'm sorry.

Is that so obvious?

What?

That we're going through something.

Is that so obvious?

No, not at all.

I mean, just like everyone else.

Yeah.

Anyway, the cobbler's kids
have no shoes, right?

Tell me about it.

Okay, let's do this.

Valentine!

-How are the kids?
-Very good.

Me too, thanks for asking.

Can I come home?

-Did you leave her?
-Yes.

I mean, almost.

You don't miss us that much.

Of course, you do.

I miss you so much.

I'm going to the cabin tomorrow
to think and…

With her?

Of course not.

Call me on Monday with your conclusions.

We're late.

Good.

I'm happy to see

that you've agreed on something.

It was easier with the Duboises.

It's always easier with these two.

Especially after 12 years of marriage.

Divorces are made in Heaven.

Sacha Guitry.

No, Oscar Wilde.

My bad.

Okay, let's see
what's changed since last time.

On the matter of guilt,

Mr. Bitoune admits that he was unfaithful

for five years
before his wife filed for divorce.

Since the husband admitted fault,

and since he apologized sincerely,

good for you…

That's rare.

Mrs. Bitoune has canceled
the previous official request

and accepts the divorce.

Wise decision, ma'am.

That's what a mid-life crisis does.

Damn right.

"Mid-life crisis,"
that's a bit of a cliche.

I have apologized.

And that is very good.

So, Mrs. Bitoune accepts the divorce

with these conditions.

There were 13 mistresses,

and none was more than 25.

So that's a mid-life crisis.

My client is right, after 40 years,

no woman can win
against a 20-year-old girl.

Especially me.

Okay, fine.

It looks a bit like a cliche.

They're all the same.

No, not really.

I see a lot of men starting a new life
with women the same age.

With the same desires, the same ambition.

One cliche for another one.

You're wrong.

A 20 year-old girl, that's ridiculous.

Exactly. It's ridiculous and obscene.

Why change for a 40-year-old?

It's not like that.

It would be like growing.

Exactly.

But here, it's more of an obsession.

-Growing up?
-No, an obsession.

But I have apologized.

Miss, can we stay out of
your personal business?

A 20-year-old woman,
that's obscene and humiliating.

What do you know
about my personal business?

Me? Nothing.

I have apologized.

For the quantity, not for their age.

Of course.

What about the body?

I didn't ask for an apology
when you became a fat cow.

Not this again! "A fat cow?" Look at you.

-And you?
-You're so sexy.

You think you're so sexy.

No, no, no!

…to know!

Everything's fine.

The session is adjourned. We can't work.

-How long will I be stuck with her?
-Please.

That's enough!

-Please, come on.
-It has to stop now!

It has to stop! I want a divorce.

I want a divorce…

Don't worry, we'll get a divorce.

Damn.

Come in.

Who is she?

I'm so happy to see your cabin, man.

I'm sure I'll love it.

Fuck, the fresh mountain air!

Did he really have to come?

My son is with my parents.
I couldn't leave him.

And your friends are here,
I had to bring someone.

But not your…

-He's a very good skier.
-No.

I'm a snowboarder.

I slide on the mountain to feel it.

Look…

You handled it pretty well with Valentine.

I didn't think she would take it so well.

There's no point in getting angry.

But she let you bring her here…

It's all about negotiating.

And she never comes here, she hates it.

You're so lucky, me…

She loved the countryside
and I never saw her again.

I don't get it.

Are you still with your wife?

It's a transitionary time.

Let me rephrase this.

Are you allowed to fuck Florence?

We weren't that specific in our agreement.

So the conclusions weren't…

He's not allowed.

But I understand.

There's no point in fighting.

Women must be dealt with tact.

You play the victim,

you let it wash over you,

you play on feelings, guilt.

Guilt is very good.

It always works.

What are those steps?

The cleaning lady.

She comes on Fridays.

She could've swept the snow too.

That was a joke.

Don't tell me you forgot them.

He always does that.

No, I've got them.

Good thing I came along.

-Hi.
-Shut up.

"A weekend alone to think?"

Why are you here?

What do you mean?

It's also my cabin, you know.

No skirt in the snow?

After three months,
no need to make an effort anymore.

You're showing off your mistress
in front of our partners,

in a town where
we've had many memories.

You never come, you hate it here.

And everybody knows.
The firm, the court, everywhere!

Everybody knows, everywhere!

Not everywhere!

I couldn't stay alone this weekend.

I'm too sad. I had to…

Besides…

Your decision completely broke me…

I understand…

Yeah, right.

I won't feel guilty over
a bunch of ground squirrels.

What?

You can freeze to death outside,
I don't give a shit.

It's too late.

Can I take the skis?

So…

I think I should go.

Arthur, let's go.

Wait a minute,

I'm staying. It's so cool.

MOUNTAIN ANIMALS

"Small rodent

from British Columbia,

the ground squirrel lives in the pasture

and grassy hills.

They eat fruit, seeds and sometimes,

insects they catch mid-air.

They build small colonies,
and when they meet their peers,

they kiss each other to smell
the odorous glands near their mouth."

I don't get it.

I don't get it either.

Except for the pasture.

Maybe the small colonies?

And the odorous glands sometimes.

Yeah.

The ground squirrel is in trouble.

Listen to me, Alex.

You can forget the cabin in the pasture.

She'll take everything you like.

The cabin,

the golf clubs…

-I hate golf.
-The Labrador.

I hate dogs.

And the car.

No.

Not my baby.

"No, not my baby."

Anyway, women…

They fall in love with an adventurer…

Do you like adventures?

I could have.

And then, they want you to become
a mother at home.

Just like them. That's it.

He's right.

I can't pee in the snow, but I love it.

Let me tell you,

you were way too soft with her.

And if we want a chance

to keep the cabin, we have to act now.

Yes.

Come on!

Come on!

We have to pee.

We have to pee.

Together.

Wait, wait.

Wait, wait, wait!

Wait, wait!

Let's go.

Yeah!

Quiet!

Quiet!

Quiet!

Shut the fuck up!

Fuck, it's so good!

-It's so good!
-So good!

Let's go!

Yeah!

So, I think no one will be surprised

to know that me and Alex
are getting a divorce.

Maybe.

"Forever and ever, my heart will be true.
Forever, I'll wait for you."

So, we're filing for divorce.

Is it mutual consent?

Of course. We all know here

that splitting the furniture
by throwing it at each other is so 20th.

Century.

We've talked about it,

we agree on pretty much everything.
There shouldn't be any problem.

Let's try to settle this quickly.

And keep it between us.

-That's good.
-Smart.

Why not.

Of course, regarding the firm,

we'll have to make some adjustments.

Since this case was bad publicity

for some people at court,

it will be difficult for us
to keep litigating together.

What do you mean?

You're gonna have to give up
the cases we're sharing.

But we're sharing all our cases.

Exactly.

Selling the happy marriage
while we're getting a divorce…

it looks like false advertising.

I don't think that the court…

Maybe we could do
joint custody of the cases.

Ethically, I would find it
very difficult too.

I won't lose everything…

Cause you humiliated your wife
at the court?

I'm a nice person, Alex,
but I won't be humiliated

and I'm not the one responsible
for what's going on.

Right?

Okay. So what do I do?

I don't know.
Do some digging, get new clients.

Bring something fresh to the firm.

Or change your field.
There's a lot of neighborhood cases.

Or…

You could be in charge of the branch
we were talking about. Where?

-In Brest.
-Yes, Brest.

-In Brest.
-Brest.

It could be great for you. A new start.

Yes, sure.

Hey! Alex, wait. Wait!

You don't have to react that way.

Keep a low profile for a while,
let her get over it.

And you'll get back to work.

-Don't worry, I'll keep the cabin.
-Alex.

Thomas, this is Alexandre,

Alexandre, this is Thomas.

I know him.

From the party. You remember.

He sleeps in your bed when I'm with Dad.

Exactly. But you know,
Dad is fine with that,

he really likes him,

and he's very happy
that he's living with us now.

It'll be fine.

Is there some yogurt?

Wait. You have a key?

Of course, I do.

We were married for ten years.

-But you're divorced now.
-So what?

You could've knocked.
We could've been on the table…

First, I would've seen you,

and the neighbor is so loud,
so I don't think so.

That really kills the mood. And you?

Sure.

No, I'm not talking to you

about my sex life with your ex.

You should. I could give you some advice.

-Like…
-Don't.

It's funny, nobody likes
that we get along so well.

-As if it was wrong.
-That's not it.

Of course it is.

If people are upset that we're happy,

that's because they're not.

Otherwise, they wouldn't mind us
being happy together.

Arthur, please, shut up.

What?

What's wrong, Alex?

Are you afraid
you won't get a happy divorce?

I trust you, buddy.

When you get a divorce, you mourn.

But it's also a rebirth.

You'll get the best
out of this difficult time.

And make the most of this new life.

"Make the most of it," you're right.

That's what I'll do.

I'll make the most of it.

LAW FIRM
DUBOIS AND ASSOCIATES

One plus one equals three.

It's what went wrong in your marriage.

So we'll help you get it right
in your divorce.

With two separate lawyers
to protect both of your interests,

but two lawyers that are a couple.

I mean, a couple of lawyers,

a couple of friends who get along,

but just as friends.

But we also have fun together.

At work.

And we'll help you build another couple.

A parenting couple.

Do you have kids?

No… Well, anyway…

We'll be there to protect your couple,

and to quote Alfred Capus,

we talk about the bond of divorce…

Anyway, I'll start over. From the start.

One plus one equals three.
That's what went wrong in your marriage.

Of course, see as many colleagues

as you want before making any decision.
Thank you for coming.

Goodbye.

I'm too busy anyway.

Oh, no! It's so late! No.

Célia, this is Valentine.

I'm sorry,
I said I would be home early, but…

But I'm stuck in the car. Big traffic jam.

So listen,

let me just get some bread
and I'll be there…

very shortly. I'll be right there.

And then the lady gets down,

on the floor…

That was amazing. Thank you.

-Bye.
-Thank you, bye.

The stars are in the sky,

the stars are in your eyes,
and on your dress.

The tunic and the dress
are beautiful on you…

Today, fashion is everywhere.

Naomi and Claudia present the show.

Great inspiration

from Michel
between wallpaper and psychoanalysis.

And here comes the star wearing socks.

It's the return of the socks
on Hollywood Boulevard.

And here comes Grazie Orient.

The Asian magic.

With extraordinary elegance.

Beautiful.

And the highlight of this show,

the grand finale,

the great marriage

between human and animal,

true love.

-That was so cool!
-It was great, thank you.

Thank you very much, it was awesome. Bye.

Bye.

-Bye.
-Thank you, it was awesome.

-It was great.
-You were so good!

-Amazing.
-Let's do it again.

Karl Lagerfeld loves
to play with your kids.

Thank you. You're so lucky.

Come on. Let's go.

-Bye.
-Bye.

Really nice.

Daddy!

-That was the best Wednesday ever!
-Yeah!

There's school tomorrow,
so get ready for bed now.

I want to sleep with Poopy.

Poopy?

A lovely name for a tiny…

Alex.

They chose the name.

Mom, can we keep the dog, please?

Daddy said you're getting a divorce so…

What?

That's it. If your dad wants to go
for walks with a poopy… a puppy,

good for him,
but there is school tomorrow.

So put it down now.

And go to bed immediately.

-Come on, go to bed.
-Thank you, Daddy.

Come on, now.

How could you do this?

Some cloths, ingenuity, basic German…

Tell them about the divorce.

The business trip
wouldn't have worked forever.

We should've done it together.

It doesn't look like
that's what you want to do.

Sure, let's not fight in front of Poopy…

Don't do this, Alex. You hate dogs, okay?

Only fools don't change their mind.

And the girls are so happy.

They'll need some comfort
in these difficult times.

But I wanted to thank you.

I love having some time to be with them.

Since you took all my cases,

you'll have a lot of work. Or too much?

-What do you mean?
-I mean…

You said to get new clients.
The girls will be the only ones.

You get the cases, I get the girls.

A modern take on joint custody.

So that means…

That I'm asking for custody.

-Alex, that would mean war.
-Hold on.

This isn't my fault.

If I have time to do it and you don't.

I think we need to go for a poo poo.

I insisted for him to be there,

because like I said on the phone,
to get some results,

the aquatherapy for couples

requires both parties to be involved.

Just like fungus.

Sure, like that. So…

The goal of the first session

is to synchronize your energies

to synchronize your marriage.

I know, sir. It's not that easy

to get in synch,
even with an easy exercise.

The synchronizing depends on

on how your marriage works.

So we need to define
if you have a marriage more traditional,

more matriarchal or passionate.

We're more the bored type.

Okay. What do you think, sir?

-That I'm cold.
-What?

That I'm cold.

I've seen it before.

Actually, in magazines, they say that

passion lasts three years,
love lasts seven, then it's boring.

So we can't be happy anymore.

So we just want to know
what other people do.

Other people?

People that stay together.

People that stay together?

You must know some people.

I know a few.
Usually, it's a second marriage.

So you mean second-hand?

No, I mean a marriage with two people

that have already been through a divorce.

People who have given up
on the fantasy of the passion.

People who started over.

As individuals, not leaning on the other.

Marriages where there's still freedom

which means, some mystery.

So you're a couples counselor who thinks
divorce is the key to happiness.

-Hello, everyone.
-Hello, sir.

-Still nothing for me?
-Nothing.

Great. If you need me,
I'll be at my golf lesson,

then, we have to go to the vet.

Mr. Dubois,

the bailiff called,
he'll be at your house after 11.

The bailiff?

Yes, the bailiff asked for Dubois.

Mr. Briard, I need you.

You know, desertion is

pretty hurtful so…

What are you doing here?

I'm making crêpes, pumpkin.

It's Monday's tradition! Hello.

Hello.

Look at that.

What's this?

What? It's my clothes, pumpkin.

Stop calling me "pumpkin."

Are these your clothes?

My small and large jacket.

Small and big is back in fashion.

And what's this? Capri pants are back too?

We've never agreed on fashion choices.

One day, pumpkin,
it will break our marriage.

Stop calling me "pumpkin."

What is that?

Your small and dirty toothbrush?

I'll admit it, I'm pretty messy.

No way. You're very fussy.

That's not your toothbrush.

Of course it is.

It's not!

-It is.
-It's not!

That's not his toothbrush.

I believe you, ma'am,

but I can't record desertion here.

Sorry for wasting your time.

It's nothing.

-Bye, ma'am.
-Bye.

That's not funny anymore.

Do you think you can fool anyone
with your little tricks?

Who called the bailiff to…

Because you've left the marital home?

You have left the marital home.

You asked me to.

I did. So that you could think
and come back.

You never thought and never came back.

So stop threatening to take the girls…

Why couldn't I get custody?

Why should we do joint custody?

Every other weekend and half the holidays.

That's enough.

Why should I agree to never see my kids?
Because I'm a man?

Because you cheated!

Then prove it.

What?

I have photos.

They burnt in the fire.

Nobody knows who sent them.

Okay, so this means war?

I want war?

The bailiff? Accusations of adultery?

-I don't have a choice!
-You do.

You had the choice to not fuck that bitch!
To take care of your kids!

Instead of taking care of this whore!

Mommy.

Honey, don't cry. It's okay.

It's okay. My babies.

Come with me. We're gonna talk.

I will never forgive you.

Me neither.

I didn't know you had a dog.

Poopy?

I mean, a puppy? No, it's my wife's dog.

Ex-wife. She won't be living here.

My wife won't live here, so…

If it was up to me,

I'd tie her to the car
and abandon her on the road.

Not my wife, Poopy.

Maybe we could tie her to the door,
just for the viewing.

Taking back your living space,

getting your independence
and your freedom back feels so good.

I'll have to be creative here.

-Bronchitis?
-No, swimming pool.

Furnished, 670 square feet.

Living room, two bedrooms.

Kitchen, equipped bathroom,
parking option inside the building.

-It's quite expensive.
-No.

-I mean, can we negotiate?
-No.

My last apartment was
four times bigger for half the price.

Maybe it was a time when dogs,

husbands, wives and kids
lived all together in the same place.

Well…

-I'll start playing soccer.
-Rugby.

We're gonna need your last pay stub.

Actually, I'm self-employed.

And I'm building a new structure, so I…

But I can show you my tax forms.

What do you do?

-I'm a lawyer.
-A lawyer.

Specializing in family cases.

-Divorces, to be specific.
-Really?

Because I…

Actually, I'd need some advice.

Of course.

Trust the pros.

You can stay here
until you find something nice.

I've put down a request
to leave the marital home.

If she can prove that I live here,
I'm screwed.

The faster I leave, the better.

It's not easy to rent a place

when you haven't made any money
in three months.

If I want custody, I need my own place,
as soon as possible.

She will never let you get custody.

It's not up to her! It's up to the judge.

What about us?

Don't worry, it won't be long.

And we could be secret lovers.

It's nice to be secret lovers.

-It's exciting.
-I know that.

You were very excited
when we did it for three months.

I have to fight with my wife.

She's called a bailiff,
she wants to keep my girls.

That's it, Alex.

Maybe it's time to stop and…

think about where you really wanna be.

COQ DE LA BRUYÈRE HOTEL

-Good morning.
-Yes.

I'd like to know if…

If you take bookings.

For a couple of hours, for the night?

Is it for a quick one or for the night?

I'd just like to know
if people can book here.

If you have a book.

Where you put the bookings…

The bookings that…

Tell me, when do you want to stay?

Well…

November 17th.

In eight months?

I mean, November 17th…

of last year.

I need to know if you have…

If some people had a booking
for that date.

Please.

People who book a room for an afternoon

have all the same name.

Like Dubois?

Dubois, Durand, Martin…

Please.

Well, no, look here…

November 17th, an odd one.

I have the Karl Lagerfeld.

I remember him well.

Look, on the 13th,

his name was Churchill.

And on the 25th, it was David Beckham.

He would always do the accent.

That was funny.

It was really good.

What room did they get?

I don't think it's a good idea.

Hello, welcome. You've reached Alex.

This is my cell phone.

Leave me a message and I'll call you back.

Tabernacle.

It's me.

I was just wondering…

Maybe we're making a mistake…

Your message has not been saved.
Please try again…

Well…

I cannot say that I enjoy
seeing you in this position but…

I know you, so I hope
we can make an amicable agreement.

-You're right, we…
-I don't think so.

-So there are grounds of fault?
-Yes.

There are grounds of his fault.

You'll find the declaration of a colleague
about Mr. Dubois's affair…

The witnesses work for my wife.
You can't use that.

Everyone knows at the court.
Right, Your Honor?

I'm the victim of terrible rumors.

Probably from evil competition,
and I'm sure

you dismissed them.

You'll find in my file

the credible declaration

of Arthur Dimitrov, who was my client,

that says that even if
we are good friends,

I have never had an outrageous affair
with Florence, his ex-wife.

That is outrageous.

It is outrageous to be kicked out.

To have my kids taken from me

even if I raised them.

What?

You can see these copies
of school notebooks

and reports, they're all signed by me.

We split the chores.
Homework for you, dinner for me.

Let's talk about dinner.

You'll find a report from a specialist

who analyzed my wife's trash
since she is with the kids.

I can't believe this.

You'll find mostly tin cans

and frozen food.

-No vegetables or fruit.
-Asshole.

Nice trash talk.

Take a look at the times
my wife leaves and returns home.

You'll see how little time
she spends with her girls.

I'm overloaded with work,

you know how professional I am.

I know. We all know it at the court.

And it's good for her.

But I am really proud to put some

of my activities on hold

to raise my children.

That is also good for you.

"The judge has established

the following measures.

The custody of the daughters

will be shared equally
between both parties."

-Shit. Shit.
-"Every other week,

and the holidays will be split in half

based on a schedule.

On the matter of child support,

since Mr. Dubois cannot

work in his firm anymore,

and since he has to find new clients,

Mrs. Dubois will have to pay
the amount of…"

Fuck.

"… until the disparity
in Mr. Dubois's income is fixed…"

I can't believe this.

I mean, he hasn't made any money
in three months.

"Mrs. Dubois can temporarily keep

the apartment on Boisseron Street,
and Mr. Dubois, the cabin.

Full custody of the dog Poopy

is granted to her owner, Mrs. Dubois."

Yes, that's correct.

I paid the breeder so that he would
put my name on the receipt.

Didn't we get
the contact details of a hitman

in the Saint-Mandé Jewelry case?

No?

That was a joke.

That was a joke.

A purple pearl curtain,

the bunk beds
that you were dreaming about,

and a new Wii, as a welcoming gift.

Don't you like it?

Where is Poopy?

Tied to a tree by your mom.

She'll take good care of her.

You said Poopy would be in your new place.

Well, you can't always get what you want.

It's not that bad.

It is bad.

What is that?

Mom got us phones.

She bought you cellphones?

Yes, to call her.

I wanna call Mom.

No, you don't need to call Mom.

It's gonna be great with Daddy.

We'll be very happy together.

We don't need cellphones

to…

Hello?

-I'm with the girls.
-Is that Mommy?

No, Florence, I'll call you back.

Who's Florence?

Tonight's not possible.

It's really not a good time.

Exactly. Next week, perfect.

Who's Florence?

Someone I work with.

Look, girls,

what do you say we order pizza
and watch TV?

But there's school tomorrow.

We'll sleep early tomorrow.

But tomorrow's Tuesday,
and we can stay up late.

Then the day after.

Come on, girls. Let's party!

Every other week is perfect.

You'd have someone around.

Someone to talk to.

I'll take her with the girls,
and you're free for a week.

And you have a garden,
you don't have to take her out.

You know, they don't poop
as much as you think.

Imagine one night, she's here,

and a rapist tries to break in.

Unfortunately, that can't happen.

You have decided to get a divorce,

that's your decision,
but I'm not sharing custody

of your dog,

if I'll never see my granddaughters again.

Of course you will see them.

I'm not a complete idiot.

I know how it works.

No more babysitting,

you'll go out the weeks they're with him,

and the weeks they're with you,

you'll be so busy that you won't go out.

No more holidays at Granny's

since you only get half,

-and in that case…
-Mom…

the grandparents
are always whisked away.

Especially on the father's side.

But I won't feel bad for them because…

if you're getting a divorce,
it's kind of her fault,

with her nasty comments. And I'll never

give her any of my days with the girls…

Mom! Stop it, Mom.

So it's a no for the dog?

Honey, it's Mom.

So, I've left three messages this week,

and I haven't heard from you…

I'll call Célia to check

if everything's okay.

I'll give you my number again,
maybe it was deleted…

from your brain.

I'm kidding, sweetie. I'm kidding.

Give your sister a big kiss for me,

and I'll talk to you soon. Okay. Love you.

Do you miss them too?

You're actually nice. Really, you're nice.

The waxing, scrubbing, punching
didn't work out?

It didn't.

I mean, with my husband,

we're thinking about separating.

If you don't want
your kids and half of what's yours

taken away from you, you must act now.

Empty your accounts while you can.

Use the money from your joint accounts

to buy everything you need
when you move out.

Hide anything valuable.
Jewelry, furniture,

paintings, the electronics.
Anything he'd take.

Make a copy of all your papers.

And especially those about her money.

Her properties,
personal accounts, pay stubs.

And hide all of yours.

Put your name on receipts

for everything you want to keep.

Think about the personal effects,
like photo albums.

Do you really want to see
your kids' pictures disappear?

And do not leave the marital home.

Do everything to push him out.

If he steps out, the house is yours.

Wait a minute.
I thought we could get a divorce…

Amicably.

So you want to lose everything?

An amicable divorce seems
a good idea, but it's sneaky.

And very risky.

-You'd share everything.
-Even if you are the victim.

-Pretend you're happy.
-Pretend you're in love.

You can't express how you feel.

And your kids will be confused.

"Why are you divorcing if you're friends?"

Unable to say how you feel,
it'll take years to get over it.

A long therapy,
hundreds of antidepressants,

facelifts and liposuctions.

Don't worry, you're 38.

In seven years, you'll be 45.

You can still remarry, right?

So…

Divorce on the grounds of fault.
Did he cheat on you?

-No. He didn't.
-Excuse me, Johanna,

but in 15 years,
I've never seen a man leaving his wife

if there's not another one waiting. Ever.

-Does she drink?
-No.

-Is she abusive?
-No.

Does she neglect her children?

Wastes all your money,
neglects her family?

Not at all.

Is she in a cult?

Does she have secrets?
Gossip about your sex life?

Says no to having kids?
To living together?

Says no to having sex?

That's it.

Not really, but it is…

It's different.
But it's not necessarily her fault.

Of course. She must be tired.

She got up early
to get the kids to school.

You didn't help with the groceries,

or planned the weekend
that she's been asking for.

So it's your fault
if she doesn't want to do it.

Sorry, but in 15 years, no women
have wanted to fuck after having kids,

then blame the husband for cheating!

So gather as many things as you can.

And I'll see you next week, okay?

-But what if I need…
-Next week, I said.

Ma'am, Mr. Zeldère wants to…

It's Friday,

I haven't seen my girls

in a week, so leave me the fuck alone!

Poopy!

Hi.

Stop it. I'm not a baby anymore.

Where is Pauline?

What's that?

My God. Honey…

Where is Poopy?

In the car. What is that?

I broke my leg.

You broke your leg? And nobody called me?

We were at the cabin and I slipped.

You went to the cabin without telling me!

It's not my fault.

Of course it's not your fault.

Can't believe this. Come on.

Sorry, but I was worried.

Can you walk?

There you go.

A good veal stew with carrots, leeks,

prepared by Mommy for her girls.

I want fries!

Don't say "I want fries,"

but "May I have some fries?"

Dad makes fries when I'm sick.

First, you're not sick, it's just a cast.

And if your dad always makes fries,
you should eat vegetables here.

Dad doesn't always make fries.

He makes pizza too.

Alice, please.

And Florence bakes apple crumbles.
It's so good.

Don't feed the dog at the table.

I haven't seen her in a long time.

Well, eat.

Léa is having pajama party tomorrow.

I'm invited to stay over
for the weekend. Can I go?

Well…

We haven't spent time together
in two weeks.

If you go, it'll be another two weeks.

Maybe you could go next week?

That's what dad will say.

So I can't see my friends
on weekends anymore?

I want to sleep with Poopy.

No, Pauline! Go to bed
or I'll be very angry. One…

-two…
-I want to sleep with Poopy.

It's my Poopy, I love her.

Fine, just this once,

Poopy can sleep on the carpet. Down.

And you sleep in your bed.

Come on, please.

There.

Can I sleep with Poopy

if I can't sleep at my friends?

I can't take it anymore.

Can't believe this.

Yeah!

How are you, Chloé?

Have a nice weekend.

I've got the week. The full week.

Girls!

Girls!

Where are they?

Pauline is getting a new cast.

It was too tight.

-You could've told me.
-Like when she broke her leg?

It's different. And Alice?

Alice is staying at Léa's.

No, Alice is staying with me!

She is not.

There was a party, last Saturday.

But they moved it tonight.

What are you doing?

What are you doing?

A mother's job to protect her kids.

So you keep them away from their father?

Maybe you didn't know,
but the girls are confused.

I don't blame them.

If you want to play this game,

I'll get you arrested.

Of course you would do that.
Call the cops?

And you're gonna play

the poor father tormented by his wife?

You could've got Dutroux released.

You're just jealous.

Of what? Your stupid tricks?

Sure, sure.

You're good with cases,
but you suck at the rest.

I suck?

It's not easy
to make anyone believe anything.

It is.

Good with cases, but suck at the rest?

All of it.

Fine.

Get off me!

-Help me!
-What are you doing?

Alex, let go off me!

Get off me!

I see. Be more subtle,
it's not that great.

Really? Please, you're hurting me!
Help me!

Help! No, stop! Stop!

Stop it! No, no, no, stop!

No, get out, please!

Stop, stop! Help!

Ridiculous.

Mrs. Dubois! Mrs. Dubois, what's going on?

What were you saying?

It's more difficult with an audience.

Open the door.

Mrs. Dubois!

Open it!

Go away, he's completely crazy!

-What's going on?
-Go away.

Go home. Go home.

Stay away from me!

Stay away from me, no!

No!

-That's better.
-Open the door!

Open the door or I'll call the police!

We can't let her worry.

Mr. Briard!

Take me away. He's insulted me!

He hit me and threatened to take the kids!

-Rape the kids?
-No, "take."

If you knew what he's done to me…

I'm traumatized.

Have you lost your mind?

Annie, I've looked after your daughter.

You know I love kids.

Annie, it's me. Alex.

Look what he did to me. Look!

It's awful.

There's nothing to see.

There is something.

What's going on?

Help me, please! Help me!

He hit her. Mr. Briard saw it.

Yes, I did.

Call the police.

Are you crazy?

I didn't do anything!

Do you understand?

-Police?
-Stop it!

I'm at 16…

He hit her.

Of course not.

-He did.
-I didn't.

-He hit her.
-I did not!

There, that's hitting someone.

And you end with, "I am well aware

that this must be presented to a judge,

and that any false declaration

would lead to criminal penalty."

That's it.

"In what's-the-place, on the…"
and you sign.

If you could add that she drinks too.

You've seen her drunk.

You know she likes to drink…

You know.

No, you don't?

Say you've known me
for 30 years and I've never hit anyone.

No, don't mention that! We were 11!

Say whatever you want
and send it back quickly. Bye.

Is that all you're gonna do today?
We're waiting for you.

I don't give a shit.

I'm in trouble, I'm gonna lose my kids!

Do you understand?

Come on, it was just a slap!

-Did you just say that?
-Yes.

I've been meaning to ask you something.

Is he really dumb or is it an act?

Alex, don't say that.

Calm down, squirrel.

Arthur!

The squirrel says fuck you.

You're a clown sponging off your ex-wife.

Come on, a squirrel is…

-a compliment.
-Alex, you don't have to…

What?

You're lying for your female boss,

but not for your friend.

You asked me
to say that your wife is a drunk…

She does drink!

Yeah, right. She drinks.

And you always stay calm.

Alex, you need to cool down,
you're losing all empathy.

Of course, Miss

"I give advice but do the opposite."

Alex, don't do that.

The believer in
independence in a marriage.

But you stay with your stupid ex
'cause you're afraid to be alone.

The perfect couple, my ass.

Alex, stop it
or you'll lose all your friends.

My friends? What friends?

The bloodsuckers
that have invited themselves

to drink my wine for 15 years?

And that won't help me when I need them?

That's it.

Sure, get out of here.

Get the hell out!

Bloodsuckers!

Whelk!

Wimp!

Wallaby tamar!

Quiet!

Squirrel!

Well…

Before your date at the criminal court

for aggression on Mr…

There was no aggression.

A little slap to a neighbor.

They'll calm down
and withdraw the complaint.

It's not up to me anyway.

But you know that
with your criminal record,

I have to rule in favor of
your wife's request.

She wants the temporary measures
to be reviewed

until your date at criminal court.

Your honor, I'm not a violent man.

A lot of declarations…

And I have declarations
that you've been abusive to your wife.

Verbally and physically.

I'm the victim of a terrible conspiracy.

Yeah, right. First rumors, now conspiracy.

Speaking of conspiracy, listen to this.

"I, Olivier Dimitrov, alias Arthur,

declare hereby that my ex-wife

has been committing adultery

with Alexis Dubois since October."

He's just bitter.

"We, Mr. and Mrs…

living next to Mr. Dubois's cabin

have witnessed several cases of insults,

particularly crude and abusive.

Mr. Dubois even used
the term 'squirrel'?"

It's not an insult!

They sniff each other's
odorous glands and kiss each other!

Mr. Dubois, I'm sorry,
but until the matter is clarified,

I have to review the temporary measures.

Mr. Dubois?

I'm sorry to hear

that you're being judged
in a criminal court.

And I've lost my kids and child support.

You have my full support
and I'm sure you'll be cleared.

But I remind you
that if you're found guilty,

I'll have to disbar you.

In the meantime, you should avoid
to be seen at the court.

So I should go kill myself somewhere else?

Finally! I've got everything!

Poopy, the girls,
the house, the money, everything.

I've got everything! Yes!

I've got everything! Everything!

She's got everything.

Hi! Hi, baby!

Sweetie!

I can set you up with Edouard,

he's an architect, divorced, three kids.

A bit messy but really nice.

Or Cédric,

unemployed for a few months,
but there's potential.

And his body…

is really really nice.

Or Alain.

He's 48.

Handsome, sporty,

never married, no kids,

-but he's a doctor.
-So what?

-Gynecologist.
-No.

No.

Pretty challenging to be single.

-Yeah.
-Right?

There were 220,000 euros in the box…

Sorry for bothering so late,

I went to your office,

I even left… messages.

I haven't had time to clean up.

I don't have an office,
couldn't pay the rent.

Don't worry, your lawyer
is still ready to defend you.

I've been thinking about your case.

We're gonna accuse your wife
of sexually assaulting her clients.

Actually, I'm not here to…

Hair castration,
the chopping off the muff.

We're gonna put a camera in her salon.

You have no idea what's going on there.
No idea.

What is this?

It's a warning before you get kicked out.

Because you haven't paid the rent here.

I've tried to defend you.

You tried to defend me?

I'm sorry.

Get out of here!

-Come on!
-Mr. Dubois!

You can't be like this.
You have to do something.

-Sorry, I'm late again. Are they in bed?
-It's okay.

No. Pauline was crying for hours.

I couldn't reach you,
I called your mother.

No.

She calmed her down,
but Alice has her music on.

I'll take care of this.

Did you take Poopy for a walk?

No. But I can do it before I go.

That would be very nice.

Don't worry. I'll take care of this.

If you change the locks,
don't leave the door open.

I took this, do you mind?

What are you doing here?

I just need to take a few things.

Okay.

Tell me what you need.

I want my corkscrew.

And half of the rest!

Alex…

The list has been signed by the judge.

I want my corkscrew and half of the rest!

Alex.

Calm down.

When I have half of everything.

Alex!

Alex, don't do that!

Daddy!

Dad, what are you doing?

Dad is taking half of everything!

I want half of everything!

Alex, stop!

Alex, stop!

Stop!

Are you insane?

You can keep all of her.

Poopy.

I want half of Poopy!

Alex, stop!

Alex, stop it now!

Please!

No, you stop!

You're also gonna give me
half of my daughters!

Stop!

Mom.

It was just a joke.

Dad would never do that.

Not Poopy.

Alex, go. Now.

Dad!

I wanna go with you, Dad.

Then you'll have half of your daughters.

I love you, sweetie.

I love you more than everything.

But go home now.

Mr. Dubois was your lawyer.

He asked to be removed from the case.

For personal reasons.

Okay. So you're asking for a divorce
on grounds of fault.

No.

-What do you mean?
-No.

The statements are pretty clear.

Yes, it's true but…

I've changed my mind.

I don't want any of this.

Sir, you've signed.

No, let him speak.

Johanna,

write down everything you want,
and I'll sign.

But…

I…

I don't want to ask or keep anything,

I want to quit and leave.

So I can't pay the alimony, but instead,

you can keep everything. The house,

all our savings…

everything.

Where would you go?

I'll borrow Jérôme's boat.

You're gonna go sailing?

We said we would do that, but we didn't.

I'll do that for as long as I can, then…

We'll see. Besides,

I've ruined everything. Can't get worse.

Why?

Because I hate my life.

I should've started with a new life
instead of wanting a new wife.

Get all the paperwork,
I'll come back to sign them

before I leave.

What are you doing?

Starting a new life.

Another beautiful settlement
on your records.

Forever and ever

My heart will be true

Sweetheart, forever

I'll wait for you

Quiet!

Shut up!

In the mountain

And everything of the snow

I am happy

To be here on this Earth

I'm peeing in the snow

It's my cry…

You've reached the emergency services.

Your estimated waiting time is…

You're reached Valentine,
Alice and Pauline. Leave a message

and we'll call you back.

Valentine, it's me.

I don't want to talk to the girls.

I want to talk to you.

I wanted…

I wanted…

I wanted to say…

I'm sorry…

For everything.

I'm sorry, Valentine.

For everything.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry, Alex.

Was it Dad?

Yes, honey, it was Dad.

It's gonna be okay. Don't worry.

It's gonna be okay.
It's all gonna be fine.

It's gonna be okay.

I love you, Mom.

Don't cry, Mom.

One plus one equals three,
that's what went wrong in your marriage.

But we…

We're gonna help you get it right
in your divorce.

With two separate lawyers
to protect both of your interests.

But lawyers that are a couple…

We have experienced resentment,
regrets, frustration, hate, sometimes.

We had to split the house,
the children, the dog,

weekends, holidays…

Forgotten toys, school books everywhere…

Double birthdays, triple Christmases,
quadruple mothers-in-law.

So, a divorced couple.

But one that managed
to save what really matters.

The memory and respect for the couple
that we were, that we are.

No matter what,
this couple will always be.

As the great Alfred Capus said…

There's the bond of marriage…

But the bond of divorce is even stronger.

-1936.
-1822.

You know, splitting furniture
by throwing it at each other…

That's so 20th…

Century.

Don't move, I'm just getting some yogurt.