Original subtitles

- [whistling "We Wish You A Merry Christmas"]

- Uh-uh, nope, not gonna happen.

- Hey. Dina, is something wrong?

- You know the rules. No religious crap in the store.

- Religious cr-- Oh, this?

This is just a winter barn display.

- With a Baby Jesus and Three Wise Men?

- That is a normal barn baby

and three men of average intelligence.

No, below average.

No, average.

- Oh, wow. Well, I feel foolish.

- [scoffs] It's an honest mistake.

- I can't believe that I thought

this guy was a wise man.

[laughing] What a stupid, stupid dummy I am.

- You're not that stupid.

- I mean, I guess if this was someone from the Bible,

you'd probably be pretty upset if I did this.

[statue thuds]

- Yeah, I probably would be. - Probably would be, yeah.

And I-I guess then you'd also be upset if I did this.

Oh! [laughs]

His head popped off. [both laugh]

- It's so much fun kicking them.

- Isn't it? - Yeah.

- Guess that brings us to this little gentleman.

- Okay, could you just--

- Born with a simple destiny...

to be punted across a Cloud 9 store.

- She...could...go... all...the...way!

- Wait, give me that! That's Baby Jesus!

That is sweet little Baby Jesus!

You leave him alone, you monster!

- They're all dolls, Glenn.

[upbeat music]

[bell ringing]

[quirky music]

- Come on, I don't know if it's a bulb or a stripped wire.

- Glenn, you've been trying

for two months to solve this problem.

I really don't think you're gonna crack it

on Christmas Eve.

- My grandmother would kill me for saying this,

but I just don't get why people

make such a big deal out of Christmas.

- What? - I mean, real talk--

Christmas is pretty disappointing and overhyped.

It's kind of like "Star Wars." - Whoa!

- You don't like "Star Wars"? - Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Can we just one-at-a-time this?

It's not about a day.

It's about looking back

on the year we shared and celebrating it.

- Yeah, let's celebrate the year a tornado hit the store.

- My entire apartment got destroyed.

- I got a really annoying roommate,

and he won't leave. - I got a divorce.

- My boyfriend wound up in a coma.

- I am looking for a place. - Not looking hard enough.

- It's just a sucky year. - The doctors aren't sure

if he'll ever even-- - Cheyenne, can I have

the voltage tester, please? - But I do have to say

I'm looking forward to next year.

I really feel like it's time to just start living life.

You know? Like, I don't know.

I feel like I can get wilder. - Oh, God.

You're not gonna cut your hair again, are you?

- No. I mean, maybe.

I don't know. I just mean, like...

finally taking those motorcycle lessons,

or skydiving, or, like,

maybe I'll get a tattoo. - [snorts]

[laughter] - Okay. Okay.

- There's just no way you're doing any of that.

- I'm serious. I-I'm going to unleash crazy Amy.

[chuckles]

You guys can call me "Craymie." - Uh, no, thanks.

- Cray... - Not doing that.

Amy, Craymie. - Mm-hmm.

- All right, well, that was just a idea.

- Feels forced.

What a bright time, it's the right time

To rock the night away

Jingle bell--

[bell ringing]

- Oh, dear God, it's cold out here.

- You're telling me.

- Well, it's, uh, toasty inside,

and you're not really getting any foot traffic anyway.

So would you mind stepping away from the door?

- I'm sorry? - You keep activating

the automatic doors and letting the heat out.

Also, the bell ringing-- could you slow it down?

Right now you're at a bell, two, three, four.

Why don't you try a bell...

two...

three... four?

I only ask you because it's--it's just so annoying.

- Okay. - Thanks.

Who's a good boy?

- I think I saw the raccoon feces somewhere around--

Oh! Did someone leave hot cocoa

in the middle of the store...

with double the amount of cocoa powder?

It's so Christmas, huh?

- Listen, Glenn, I know what you're trying to do.

But I'm actually trying to limit my carbs right now.

So just-- - Just try it.

- No, I don't want to. - Try the cocoa.

- No. - It's from Santa Claus.

- Glenn. - Okay, fine. I'll go first.

It's actually scalding hot, so maybe give it a minute.

[Muzak playing]

*

- [sighs] Oh, great.

Narc alert. - Oh, it's the fun police.

- Time to get written up. - Mm-hmm.

- Why would you just assume I'm gonna turn you in?

- I mean, it's nothing personal, but--

- Yeah, you just always act all lame and stuff.

Like a narc. - Yeah, that's a good way

of putting it. - I don't understand

why everyone thinks I'm this little boring--

All right, well, would a narc do this?

[clears throat]

- That was the tiniest sip I've ever seen.

- It feels like what a narc would do

to prove they're not a narc. - Yeah.

- Okay, well, how about this?

[gulping]

- I mean, now you're just stealing my alcohol.

- Ugh.

- Oh, hey, man. Merry Christmas.

- Oh, wow. Thank you, Garrett.

This is-- [stammers]

I know things have been a little tense lately.

And I guess, you know, when you work with someone

you also live with, things can be a little--

Oh, is that a-- is this a bath mat?

- Yeah, I just figured it'd be something you could use

based on the puddles by the shower.

- Well, this is awesome. - Yeah, right?

- Thank you.

You know, I haven't bought your gift yet.

- Oh, not necessary. - But I was thinking, you know,

what about noise-canceling headphones?

You know? So you don't--you don't have

to keep banging on the wall

every time I make the tiniest peep.

- Or you could save some money

and just quit it with the harmonica lessons on YouTube.

That would be a gift. - Ha! Yeah.

Yeah, it would be. - Mm-hmm. Yeah.

- Oh, it could be. - Uh-huh.

It could be. - Yeah.

- Ah, anyway, good talk. - Oh, great talk.

- Incredible talk. - Marvelous talk.

- Awesome talk. I'm out of earshot.

- And then another time, I thought Jerry came

out of his coma and winked at me,

but turns out, it was just a muscle spasm

from low folic acid.

- Uh-huh. - Did you check the twitch

for Morse Code? He could have been telling you

to stop talking, or it's possible

he's in so much pain, he's just begging anyone

to pull the plug. I think that's what it was.

- Yo, yo, yo. Cheer up, losers!

It's Christmas! - What are you doing?

- Turning this into a par-tay. - Uh-oh!

- Oh! - Yeah!

- I have ecstasy in my car. - We'll start here

and then see where the day takes us.

Spread the word, bitches. Craymie in the house!

- Yeah, go, Creamy! Go, Creamy!

Creamy is here! [laughs]

- Who's Creamy? - I don't--uh...

.

- Out of all the reindeer

You know you're the mastermind

Run, run, Rudolph, Randolph ain't too far behind

- Oh! - Yes!

[bell ringing]

- All right, listen, it is dangerously

cold out here, and I cannot turn

a blind eye to this, not on Christmas.

- Thank you. - Come on, little buddy.

You'll be warm inside.

Bell...two..three...four.

- You just didn't know me before.

Like, before I was married, when I was in high school,

I was... [scoffs] wild.

[laughter]

Uh, I was, you guys. I was a teen mom.

- Yeah, but weren't you 19? - Still a teen.

- In some countries, that's considered late.

Angola, for instance.

- Okay, well, we're not in stupid Angola, Marcus.

- Uh, good, 'cause you wouldn't last

five minutes there. - No, you guys, I'm serious.

I used to, like, shoplift bulk candy

and, like, run, and one time I stole a car.

- Yeah. [laughter]

Okay. - No, you guys, I did.

It was 10th grade.

I took my math teacher's Kia,

drove it to the Burger King, got some French toast sticks,

and then I just left it there-- like, bounced.

- The French toast sticks were a little too specific.

But nice try.

- Yeah, you would never do that.

- No, I did do that.

You know what? I could call Adam.

He'll tell you the whole story.

- Mm-hmm. - All right.

Call him. - Okay. I will.

And then we'll see who's crazy.

- I had a ton of friends in high school.

[line trilling] It was awesome.

- Amy? - Adam, hi.

Yeah, it's Amy. Um, okay, so...

tell everyone about that one--do you remember--

- Start a fire, or-- - Shh, shh.

- Who was that? - Uh, that's, uh--

That's Bridgett. Emma's friend Crystal's mom.

- Wait, Crystal's over? I thought Emma was away.

- No, I'm at her place. Um, what did you want?

- Nothing. Merry Christmas.

- Ha ha. Chickened out.

Couldn't even ask about the car.

- [chuckles]

[ball clatters] - Boom!

Oh, yes, yes! - Ugh!

["Feliz Navidad" playing]

* Feliz Navidad, próspero año y felicidad *

You see all the dirt, grime, and gum?

That gets on the bottom of your shoes,

and then you put your shoes on my couch.

- Which is why I lay my shoes on their side

so that the soles don't touch the fabric.

- Oh, you know, I think you're working too hard.

Why don't you just take off your shoes?

- Oh, yeah. - Hey, guys?

There's a dad here with his kid,

asking where the store Santa is.

- Tell him to check the drunk tank.

Apparently Santa's Christmas cheer level was at a .08.

- Maybe Santa has to drink because Mrs. Claus

won't get off his back about shoes on the couch.

- Call me Mrs. Claus one more time.

- Guys, they drove an hour to get here.

- [sighs]

- Ho, ho, ho! Merry Christmas!

- Merry Christmas from me, too. I'm an elf.

- Well, I've come up with my New Year's resolutions--

more birds, more sex, more Judo.

And I'm gonna try to pepper, "Yas, queen,"

into conversation more-- I think it's time.

- We're checking out that skank

that Amy's ex-husband is sleeping with.

- No, uh-uh. We don't know that they're sleeping together.

There's a lot of reasons he could be at that skank's house.

Oh, there she is. - Mmm.

- [snorts] Always, like, lurking around,

waiting for a dad to come on the market.

- Yeah, she's so...

both: Basic.

- Adam got with that?

Guy's fighting above his weight class.

Good for him.

- Deck the halls with boughs of holly

Rockin' around the Christmas tree

Have a happy--

- I've never done it before,

but I could use triple the powder.

- Glenn, it's not like I hate Christmas or anything.

It's fine. - "Fine"?

So "Winter Wonderland" is okay, and--

You want to see what Christmas is all about?

Come here. - Glenn--

- Excuse me.

You seem to have been bitten by the Christmas bug.

- Sorry, we're making up for lost time.

- Oh, no, no, no. Kiss away.

It must be Christmas moments like this

that get you through your next tour.

- Oh, there won't be a next tour.

- Oh? - Tell him why, Hank.

- I...

Okay, I was smoking something I did not know was meth.

- Okay. - Then somehow my gun

ended up going off and shooting a service animal

at close range. - Oh, God.

- He's got a tiny limp. He's fine.

- I bet he's loving it. - W-wait.

It's still a Christmas miracle

that you're home for the birth of your baby.

- The birth of a baby, anyway. - Hank.

- I've been gone a year, Samantha.

- Hey, uh, thank you for your service.

- It's a delayed fetus!

- I Googled that! No results! - We have to go.

- There's cocoa in aisle nine.

- Your brother wasn't even in town.

- Should I tell you what I want?

- Yeah, that's a great place to start.

Uh, were you good this year? - Yes.

- And would you like Santa to bring you a real gift

or a passive-aggressive one?

- Well, that depends. Did you put your water glasses

back in the sink, or are there 100 of them

on your night stand? - Come on, guys.

- That's so funny, 'cause I seem to remember

Santa saying, "Make yourself at home."

But I guess-- - Elves don't talk.

- Oh, right, of course, because if we do, Santa...

bangs on the wall for us to shut up.

- Now say, "Candy canes!"

- [together] Candy cane! [camera shutter clicks]

- I mean, it's just-- It's messed up.

- It is so messed up. - You know what?

I'm just gonna say it. Men are from Mars.

I just came up with that.

- Oh, yes! - Boom, boom.

- Do you know what I feel like I should do?

I feel like it's a good idea to, like, go down there.

Go to her place. - To Bridgett's house?

- Yeah. That's exactly what I was thinking.

- No. No, no, no, no, no, no. You should not go over there.

We should all go over there.

- Yes. - To Bridgett's house?

- Yeah, just always assume

we're talking about Bridgett's house.

- Yes, let's do it. - Okay.

Oh, but how are we gonna get there?

Because I try not to drive if I've had more than six.

- Oh, yeah, I should not be getting

behind the wheel of a car right now.

[B. Lloyd's "Heavy"]

- The next level

[all screaming]

- Later, suckers! - We're free!

- Whoo!

.

[horn honking]

- This is just like the movie "Wild Hogs."

- What? - "Wild Hogs"!

- Okay. - And we're sure this is

faster than walking?

[ball clatters] - Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo!

Who wants to do Adderall off my boobs?

I just crushed it up.

- Kind of in the middle of a game here.

- Okay.

- Mmm! - Okay.

- This is it-- the vulture's nest.

- Whoa. Look at all this stuff.

- Three owls? News flash--

owls are notoriously solitary.

- Three-owl bitch. - All right.

I'm gonna do this. I'm gonna go knock on the door.

- Great, and then what?

- And then...

Adam opens the door, and then I get to see

the look on his face. - Yas, queen!

- Yes! - I bet it's gonna be all like,

"Whoa, you're a crazy stalker. I'm scared."

- Oh, my God. This is a mistake.

- Uh, a mistake that we're gonna laugh about one day.

- But not today.

- Oh, no, no, no. Today's gonna be a mess.

- We got to go. We got to go.

- Go, go, go, go, go! - Oh!

- Okay. - Get out of here.

[cart beeping]

Oh, my God. My battery's dead.

- Mine too. - Hey, jump on with me.

I still got some juice. - Okay.

- Eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh. - What?

- The max capacity for the basket is a buck-fifty.

- What, are you kidding me? I don't weigh 150 pounds.

- If you say so, but I'm weighing you

when we get back. - Amy?

Is that you?

- Adam?

Dubanowski? You guys--you remember Adam.

- So random! - Oh, yeah.

Yeah. - [laughing]

- Look, I'm sorry I called Christmas "fine," okay?

- Look, just trust me. When you see a child's face

light up at the sight of Old Saint Nick--

- You're honestly claiming

your life hasn't been improved by fajita Thursdays?

- Oh, you mean "clean up my greasy kitchen

'cause Jonah thinks he's Bobby Flay" Thursdays?

- What the [bleep] is wrong with you?

- What the [bleep] is wrong with you?

- [screams]

- Magical.

[electricity humming]

- Mmm. Wow.

This coffee is... terrible.

Awful. Yeah, tastes like piss.

I feel like I'm drinking piss. - Oh, uh, sorry.

- So I bet you guys are wondering why we're here.

- Yeah, kind of. Yeah.

- Well, get ready to die. [chuckles]

Not because I'm gonna kill you,

just 'cause it-- it's a really fun story.

Um, I told my coworkers

that I stole a car in 10th grade,

and they didn't believe me.

So I just need Adam to verify that.

- She did. 10th grade.

- Well, there you go. It happ--it happened.

- So you drove a shopping cart three miles

through the freezing cold to--

- Maybe you should tell us why you're here, Adam,

with little miss tight sweater and her disgusting coffee,

which if I could just get a top-up...

- Uh, sure. Yes.

- Um, okay. Well, this is awkward.

But me and Bridge have been seeing each other.

- [gulps] - Wow.

Bridge. Okay.

- I didn't know if--if I was supposed to tell you.

It's not like there's a-a rulebook for this kind of--

- Oh, what about the rulebook of respect?

- That's--No, I-- - Oh, please.

Do you roast your own beans?

- Okay, guys, it's fine. Look, Adam's moving on.

I'm moving on, too.

I just started taking skydiving lessons.

So we're both killing it. We should go.

- We have to wait for the scooter to charge.

- Okay, we should sit.

- You wouldn't happen to have a scale we could use, would you?

Forget it.

- You okay? - Huh? Yeah.

Yeah, yeah. Fine.

- Okay, 'cause you look a little bit

like a disgruntled Keebler Elf

about to shoot up the tree house.

- It's just--it's like he wants to be mad at me,

so he just comes up with these little excuses.

You know, like, he'll-- he'll take the trash out

when it's half full just so he can be like,

"There's another thing Jonah didn't do."

[sighs] - I only take my trash out

when it topples over like a Jenga tower.

- Right? Thank you. Maybe we should be roommates.

- Well, I'd have to run your credit check.

- Oh, yeah?

- What's your debt-to-income ratio?

- I want to say...seven. Is that--

- That is not good. - Is that bad? No?

- No. - Well, I ran into

a lot of trouble with my, uh, Eddie Bauer Discover card.

College. - Yeah.

- * Just like the ones I used to know *

*

- Well... - Yep.

- That was mortifying for you. - Mm-hmm, I was there, Dina.

["Winter Wonderland" playing]

- Wow. I don't know what the hell that was.

- Okay, that was crazy.

- What are you doing? - I told you.

I'm Craymie. Year of Craymie!

Quick, take something! Hurry, come on!

Go, go!

- Go, go, go, go!

- Go, go! - Don't fail me now!

- Go! - There I go!

- Yeah! - Whoo-hoo!

- Yas, queen!

.

- I took this from the lawn

of my ex-husband's girlfriend!

all: Whoo!

[laughter]

- So you put water in his shampoo?

- I was diluting it to make more, okay?

- Oh, God. [laughs]

- Wow, I am the worst roommate ever.

- I mean, I wouldn't call you great.

- Yeah. - But at least...

Nope, I got nothing. [both laugh]

- Jeez. Maybe my Christmas present

to Garrett should be a night off from me.

- Well, I know this dive bar

that's open all night Christmas Eve.

They have a pool table

and one of those video poker machines...

- Oh.

- That's just sexual for no reason.

- Oh, well, that sounds festive.

- [laughs] - Yeah, I could--

I could stay at, like, a creepy motel nearby.

- Yeah, yeah, or, I don't know,

maybe we'll hit it off, and you'll end up at my place.

[both laughing]

- And since we've no place to go

Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow

- So you guys stole her lawn ornaments?

- Mm-hmm. - Girl, you are getting crazy.

- I told you guys. I am a psycho.

- Oh, yeah, you got to let Craymie out more often.

But call her something else,

'cause that name sucks. [laughter]

- What's wrong with Craymie? - Hey, man, I'm gonna--

I'm gonna crash elsewhere tonight, so...

Not in, like, a spiteful way or anything.

Just, you know, uh, merry Christmas.

- Okay, thanks.

- And I can--I can just, like, send you my--my add--

the--the address of where we're gonna be--

- I'll be fine. - Yeah.

I'll just--I'll just drop a pin and text it to you, then.

- Okay.

- Well, I think I finally figured out

these Christmas lights.

See if you can still call this "fine."

- Wow. Christmas lights.

I've never experienced the miracle of little lightbulbs

on a string before.

[all gasp]

- Oh! - Wow!

[The James Hunter Six's "This is Where We Came In"]

- * I know how it's gonna end *

And this is where we came in

- That's, uh... super lame.

- Yeah. Super lame.

- Old familiar signs

- Where's Jonah?

He would love this.

- You know, I, uh, went to college

on a pool scholarship.

- Is that right? - I'm really good at pool.

[cell phone ringing, vibrating]

- Hello?

[gasps] Really?

Yeah, hold on.

You guys! Jerry's out of his coma!

Is anyone sober enough to take me to the hospital?

I'll be right there.

["Joy to the World" playing]

- Joy to the world

The Lord is come

Let Earth receive her king