All language subtitles for Baby.Daddy.S06E05.WEBRip.x264-ION10

♪♪

(men chanting)
Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go!

Go! Go! Go! Go!

All:
Aww.

You guys!
You shouldn't have.

This is so cute!
(laughs)

Oh, wait,
there's something else.

All:
Aww.

It's a "My First Helmet."

(Russian accent)
Here, open mine next!

It's teething puck.

Builds strong teeth

to be knocked out later
when baby go pro.

-(men laugh)
-Riley: Knock, knock,
girls on the floor.

(men huff and grumble)

-Hi.
-Hey, there's my baby mama,

my pregnant gal pal,

my beautiful baby lady.

Oh, you're terrible at
whatever you're trying to do.

Well, I'd like
to call you my wife.

Well, I'd like to eat sushi
and drink booze,

but if I have to wait
until after the baby,
so do you.

Got it.
So you two spending
the day together?

Yup, we sure are.
Part of my mommy boot camp.

I'm spending
as much spare time
as possible with Emma

to get practice for
taking care of our baby.

That's great, hon,
but do you really think

bringing her to a room
full of half-naked men

is a good idea?

That's my first lesson.

See? This is
why I'm practicing.

(theme music plays)

♪ It's amazing how
the unexpected ♪

♪ Can take your life
and change directions ♪

Thank you, man.
Hey, Ben!

I'm taking money
from your wallet

because you owe me
for every pizza

we've ever ordered...

ever.

Well, excuse me.

What do we have here?

-Nothing.
-This is Elle, isn't it?

-No!
-Dude, I cannot believe

you are still carrying
around a picture of a girl

-you don't even know.
-So?

You carry around all those
fortune cookie fortunes

in your wallet.

Sometimes I go through
your wallet.

I know it's weird, man.

I just like to look
at her picture

-and think, "What if?"
-Look, man.

I understand what-ifs.
Right?

What if Ben paid
his rent on time?

What if Ben stopped
drinking all my beers?

Do you notice
a central theme
to my what-ifs?

No! I mean, what if
she's looking for me too?

Look, I'm sorry, dude,
but you're never gonna
find her.

Yeah, you're probably right.

I just wish
you weren't.

I really liked that apartment,

except for the bathroom
and the kitchen,

and the bedroom
was really small.

Okay, I didn't like it.

I'm really sorry.

You know, Elizabeth,
I like you.

I like you too,
but the only person

who calls me Elizabeth
is my mom.

No, problem. How about
I call you Liz?

-I wish you wouldn't.
-Like I was saying, Liz,

I like you.

You know, you're just--
you're so together.

Maybe I can set you up
with my son.

Oh! No! Damn it!

He just knocked up
the love of his life,

so I guess technically
he's off the market.

Although, never say never
until the baby comes out

looking like him.
Am I right? Huh?

Liz? Liz?
(laughs)

I'm fine.
I kind of have a guy.

-Oh.
-Well, I don't
really know him yet,

but I know
that he's the one.

I just have
to find him again.

God, you sound like
my stupid son Ben.

Oh my God, I forgot.
I have a stupid son Ben.

How about I set you up
with him?

You're not really
selling him that well.

Honey, when I see two people
out there looking for love,

who are too pathetic
to find it on their own,

I just can't help
but put them together.

It's settled.
I am setting you up.

Just another bonus
of being my client.

Wait, what was
the first bonus?

Ohh! Shh.
Don't over think it, Liz.

Girl on computer:
Thank you, Mr. Squirrel.

You've helped
Princess Victoria save the day.

So does this
Princess Victoria chick

have an actual job?

I mean, what does
she do all day?

Um, she saves
woodland creatures
with pixie glitter,

and she also happens
to be an excellent speller.

What do you
contribute to society?

Whoa, back off, fan boy.

I mean, I get why
Emma likes the show,

but what's your deal?

Princess Victoria:
B-U-N-N-Y,

bunny.

She likes the bunny,
and I like the honey.

Hi, babe, look.

Emma and I are watching
her favorite show together,

Princess Victoria.

Tucker's just
a creepy fan.

I seriously can't
get away from that woman.

She's invading Madison
Square Garden this weekend--

some big ice show
for charity

that all the Rangers
have to take part in.

Oh, as a good mother-to-be,
I should take Emma.

It sounds heinous,
but I'm in.

Ah, no. No, no, no.
I-- I will take Emma,

because we have
a very special bond

with Princess Victoria
that nobody can break.

Dude, if you
like her that much,

I can probably get
you in the show.

(laughs) Sorry, kid,
you're on your own.

Half my teammates have
already dropped out.

Trust me, put on a helmet,
no one will care.

Ha ha!
And it looks like
this fairy tale

is gonna end with me
getting some fairy tail.

(cheers)

So, Benji,
I was thinking.

-No.
-(scoffs)

But I want to
set you up with my new client.

Ooh, someone
my mom likes?

And we're back to no.

-She's nice.
-Which is code for ugly.

-She's smart.
-Which is code
for super ugly.

Ben, you know
I don't like you very much...

but, you know,
I just can't stand by

and watch you
throw your life away

over some mystery woman
that you haven't even met

when my mom-tuition
is telling me

that this girl
is perfect for you.

Well, I don't know
about perfect, but I try.

Sam.
Oh my god, hi.

Wow, Sam,
I never thought
I'd see you again.

Mom, look, it's Sam.

Aww, hey, Sam.

Sorry, I don't have
any more kids for you
to sleep with.

I didn't want to bother you,
but I found this hat

in my apartment
and I thought it
might be yours.

Hmm, nope, not mine.
Sorry.

Oh, okay, are you sure?

Oh good God, Ben,

if you were any slower,
we could cut in line
at amusement parks.

This is just
some lame excuse
to see you.

-Is that true?
-Well, it's not not true.

Well, you know what, Sam?
You're too late

because he is about
to start dating this hottie.

Mom! Those are your boobs!

Oh, I'm sorry,
that was for Brad.

Are you really here
just to see me?

I missed you.

I keep feeling like
I made a mistake,

and I was kind of hoping
for another chance.

-Ben?
-Sorry, I'm just not used
to women coming back

without me doing
a lot of begging.

So what about
all the stuff you said
about us and about Emma?

I know, I'm sorry.
It was just too much
too soon,

and I kind of panicked,

but it sounds like
you might be seeing
someone right now.

No, no, no,
I'm totally single.

No, he's not.
He's dating this.

(shrieks)

Oh, god, I'm sorry.
That's Brad.

We took pictures
of every body part

before he went away
to prison.

This one's my favorite.

Waa. Yeah.
(giggles)

Man, I hope I get
to be the prince.

Do you think I'll
get to be the prince?

Because, you know, princesses
only date princes, right?

It's a royal decree
from King Possum.

All right, calm down.

No one else wants
to be the prince.

I want to be prince.

I love Princess Victoria.

Her show is
how I learn English.

And if you wish
for something,
it will be so.

Plus, she is
total smoke show.

Okay, boys, let's finish
up this casting.

My mood elevators
are on their way down.

Hi, hi.
I was a theater major,

and I am all about
the integrity of the show.

Right, I was hoping
I could be the prince.

And I was hoping to have
a conversation like this
with Dustin Hoffman,

so we're both disappointed.
You can be the little spoon.

(laughing)

Little spoon...
Okay, now me.

-I be prince, yes?
-You be prince, no.

-You be tree.
-(Tucker laughs)

You, tall, dark and
vacant-behind the eyes,

-let's go with...
-Please don't say it.

...the prince,
and I think we're done.

Come on, Danny,
you have to trade with me.

-You don't even want to do this.
-But I'm your teammate,

and you already have
happy ever after.

I want happy

with girl even hotter
than yours.

Hey, did you just
call my girlfriend ugly?

No, no, not ugly.

Maybe a little bit round.

She's pregnant!
Here.

I'm the prince!
I'm the prince!

I love you, Danny.

Um, um, thank you, bro.

Um, uh, yeah, we cool.
I'm gonna see you.

You will regret this day.

Now, with any luck,
this production of
Princess Victoria

and the Little Spoon
won't suck as hard
as the last one.

Now, where's the Little Spoon,
the star of our show?

Wow, so much
for taking things slow.

Hey, we made it
out of the elevator,
didn't we?

I just hope our clothes
are still in there.

This place is for rent?

Does the person
living here know that?

Yeah, it's my son's place.

Oh, wow, we're doing this now?

I would have worn
a different top.

Well, lucky for you,
my son's a guy,

and they don't care
what you wear,

as long as you got
what they need underneath.

All right, okay, you sit here.
I'm gonna go check his room.

-Mom!
-Ben!

-Mrs. Wheeler!
-Sam!

Mom!

You know what,
just saying each other's
names out loud

does not make this
any more comfortable.

-Mom, get out!
-Oh, please.

There's nothing
I haven't seen before.

And that's my cue to leave.

No, you can't go.
Ben's future wife
is out there.

I thought you said
you were single!

I'm trying not
to be right now.

Ooh, perfect,
get your pants on.

With Sam.
I'm trying not to
be single with Sam.

This would be
incredibly sweet right now

if I wasn't naked
in front of you mom!

-You.
-Yes, it's me.

-And you're you.
-Hey, you,

person I've never seen before.

-Who are you exactly?
-Sorry.

I'm just here with my realtor.

At least I think
she's a realtor.

She's stolen something

from every open house
we've been to.

Bonnie Wheeler? Yeah.

I'll go get her for you.

Here, will you watch
my niece for me?

-Hey.
-Thank you.

Don't screw up.

I'm practicing
to be a good mom.

Hey, Mrs. Wheel--
whoa, whoa, whoa.

Sam? Seriously, Ben?

I know, right?
It's like there's no one else
in the world to sleep with,

except there is
and she's sitting out there
on that couch.

Oh, is that girl here for Ben?

-She seems really sweet.
-I know, right?

See, I knew she was ugly.

Now, I'm definitely
not going out there.

Uh, you were
going to otherwise?

No, no.
Where's Emma?

She's in the living room
with your mom's client.

In other words,
you left my daughter

with a complete stranger?

No, I would never do that.

I got to go check
on something really quick.

(sighs)

-Is this a new duvet?
-Get out!

You know what?
He's not here.

-Let's go.
-But I heard yelling.

Wow, aren't you a nosy
little thing, huh?

Let's go, let's go, let's go.
Let's go, let's go.

Have you read this?
The princess ends up
with the spoon.

What kind of fairy tale
from hell

does the handsome prince
get passed up

for cheap cutlery?

Dude, I got to get that
spoon costume back from you.

Oh, yeah, about that,

I kind of already switched
with someone.

Thanks to teammate
who does not get context clues

even in very obvious show title,

I skate into sunrise
with Princess Victoria.

I'm not sure
what that meant,

but I do not think
he was thanking me.

No, he was not.

He was mocking you.

Not quite sure
what that means either,

but he is so going down.

So when I said I'd get a drink
with your son sometime,

I didn't mean 9:00 A.M.

Hey, it's noon somewhere.

-You mean five o'clock?
-No, why?

Oh, hey, you know what?

Why don't you sit here,

and I'll make sure
that he's decent?

And maybe fluff
your hair up a little?

You know, some effort
wouldn't kill you.

-Seriously?
-What is the matter with you?

Stop mom-blocking me.

Well, I am sorry, but you have
a paying customer outside

who's very thirsty.

Any chance this
paying customer
is really just you?

Grab a bottle
and get out!

Benjamin,
can I speak to you for
a moment in private?

Okay, look,
I got Liz outside,

and she is perfect for you.

She loves kids,
she loves me,

and she didn't sleep
with your brother.

I can still hear you.

Well, I told you.
I'm seeing Sam.

This is what I'm doing now.

Fine, but do you
have anyone lined up
for this afternoon?

Because I could
bring her back then.

Again, can still hear you.

Mom, I'm busy all day here,

and then I'm going to
Danny's stupid ice show

with Emma and Riley tonight.
Come here.

Look, everyone's been telling me
I'm wasting my time chasing Elle

and I should get off of her
and on someone else.

Well, I'm on someone else.

I want to make
a go at this with Sam.

I think she's really changed.

Look, honey, you don't need
somebody who's changing for you.

You need somebody
who starts out right for you.

And, look, I don't know
what it is about Liz,

but I am telling you
there is something
very special about her.

Oh, and by the way,
women don't change.

We just spend all of our lives
trying to change you...

and then we die.

You know,
I really enjoyed spending time
with you and Emma yesterday.

Any chance I could tag along
with you guys to the ice show?

We'd love to have you.

I mean,
I have to ask Emma first,

but she pretty much does
whatever I tell her.

It's awesome.

I'm shocked.
He wasn't here too.

But good news,
I found you an apartment

and this one has
an ice rink in it.

Riley.

I'm pregnant!
I deserve two!

She screams that
at least once a day.

You'll get used to it.

All right, coming through.

You want ass or crotch?

Too late.
Ass it is.

Oh, crap! Crap!
Um, you know what?
Wrong row, Liz.

Let's just go.
Move it, move it, move it.

Princess Victoria
and the Little Spoon.

Oh, this is gonna
be so much fun.

Hey, if Daddy closes his eyes,

he's just listening
to the music, okay?

(director claps)

Okay, I need my cutlery
out on the ice right now.

Let's go, let's go, let's go.

See you on the ice, losers.
If you need me,

I'll be in
Princess Victoria's room.

Be sure to knock first,

because we will
be having the sex.

You know what?
That's it. That's it.

I am done playing
second fiddle to a spoon.

Okay, what kind of
crazy world are we living in

where the prince
isn't the star?

And who's ever
heard of a show

where the utensils
get more ice time
than the people?

-Beauty and the Beast.
The Nutcracker.
-Okay.

Shut up, man!
I am making a point.

Gentlemen, ice dancers,

warriors,

tonight we skate
for children
and fun...

but do you know
what else we skate for?

Justice!

Has no one looked around

at the insanity
that we are facing?

I mean, come on!
Here we are chipmunks,
townspeople, royalty,

even trees--
all living things--

and who does the princess
run off with?

An inanimate utensil

that is only useful
for breakfast cereal.

-And soup.
-And soup!

That is right, Danny,
and soup.

My people,
as your prince,
I ask you,

do we let a flimsy
piece of metal

-conquer human beings?
-Men: No! No way!

-Are we gonna be
forked over by a spoon?
-No!

I say enough is enough!

Death to spoon-Princess love!

-To the ice!
-All: Yeah!

(men cheer)

What's wrong?
What's wrong?

Why did you text me 9-1-1?

You stopped for food?

Well, I'm pregnant.
I deserve two.

Okay, listen, look,
I need your help.

You need to
get rid of Sam

so I can set Ben up
with my client Liz.

Seriously, you're still on that?

Ben and Sam seem happy together.

I don't want to ruin
a good thing.

Plus, I really like her now.

Hey, remember when
Sam slept with Danny
in high school?

I'm in.
What do you need me to do?

Oh, this is it, Emma.

Oh, look,
there's Princess Victoria.

She's heading to the castle.

Oh, and there's
the little spoon

and all the other
magic utensils.

You're witnessing
the hardest part
of parenting,

-faking enthusiasm.
-(mouths)

Oh, oh, and there's
the woodland creatures,

and the people,

and the prince who
looks a lot like Tucker.

Tucker:
I'm coming for you, Victoria!

What is happening?

It's her.

Oh my god, is it?

Yeah, it is.

It really is her.
Looks like she's sitting
on the other side.

I should go.
Should I go?
I got to go!

Excuse me?
What are you doing?

This is gonna sound
completely insane,

but I've been trying
to find that girl for months.

Okay, you found her,
now sit down.

No, no, no, I just need like
two seconds to go meet her.

Well, ten minutes tops.

So you want to leave me
to meet some other girl?

She isn't just a girl--

a girl I saw three times
in one day.

It's like crazy fate.

Well, you're about to
see me no times in no days

if you don't just sit down.

No, I can't. I'm sorry.
Sam, I got to go.

This might be a bad time,
but can you watch Emma

for just two sec--- okay.

Elle, it's me!

Did Ben leave you
here with Emma?
Here, let me take her.

Did you do that on purpose?

Yes, and I feel
really bad about it already.

My hormones are all
over the place today.

I knew it was a bad idea

the second I walked
into that bar.

"Oh, Sam, why don't you
bring a hat into the bar

and see if Ben's still
interested in you?"

Idiot!

-(punching)
-Whoa, why can't the TV show
be more like this?

This I like.

Oh my gosh,
I totally dated that chipmunk.

(breathless)
Liz! Liz!

Oh my god, perfect.

Much better seats
just opened up.

Hey, Bonnie,
a little bad news.

You're fired
as both my realtor
and my matchmaker.

Oh, I feel so much better.

I've been wanting
to say that for two days.

What? What-- no!
No, not now!

Slut!

God, I don't know why
I thought that would work.

Huh, I saw her.
I saw Elle.

Who cares about Elle?

Unless you think
she needs an apartment,

because I am available.

I care and you would too
if you cared about me.

Stop trying to set me up
with some random girl.

Yeah, but Liz isn't random.
She is perfect for you.

Okay, fine.
If you're so sure,
then I'll meet her.

Yeah, well, you know,
it's too late now.

She got tired of waiting
around for you,

and she's moved on.

So congratulations, Benji,

you got dumped
before you ever met her.

Pfft!
This is on you, buddy.

Emma, I wasn't a very
good role model tonight.

Never throw food
on anyone,

even if you do have hormones
coursing through your body

and residual jealously left over
from a very emotional

and acne-filled
time of your life.

Whoa, and you are up
way too late,

which means I failed again.

-I'm gonna be a terrible mother.
-I love you, Riley.

(cries) I'm gonna be the
greatest mom that ever lived.

Oh, hey, Tuck.

I'm sorry you didn't
get to meet the princess.

Oh, I met her.

Yeah, let's just say the story
has a happy ending.

And if that wasn't clear,
we did it.

I think we need
to find a different

show for you to
start watching.