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♪
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ROSEANNE: It's daytime, people!
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Rise and shine.
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[SARCASTICALLY] No, no,
everybody, I got this.
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I have a few years left to live,
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00:00:15,146 --> 00:00:17,947
and this is exactly how I want to spend it.
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What is this, Courtyard by Marriott?
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[KICKS DOOR] Housekeeping!
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Oh... I'm sorry.
10
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Were you sleeping?
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Uh, what's up?
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You guys are slobs, and I'm sick of it.
13
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You know,
I don't know how you're so cheerful
14
00:00:37,219 --> 00:00:39,241
first thing in the morning.
I always need coffee.
15
00:00:40,256 --> 00:00:41,354
No, I'm serious.
16
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You got to make your kids pick up.
17
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I don't want to be the disciplinarian.
18
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I want to be the fun grandma
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who gives them too much sugar
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and teaches them to gamble and stuff.
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Ma, it's not Mark, it's Harris.
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She's all over the place right now because
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00:00:54,991 --> 00:00:56,398
she just started a business on Etsy.
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What's Etsy?
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00:00:57,544 --> 00:00:59,377
It's like a yard sale except online
26
00:00:59,446 --> 00:01:01,339
because nobody can afford a yard anymore.
27
00:01:01,782 --> 00:01:02,847
She sells used clothes.
28
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Apparently, it's cool to look poor now.
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[SCOFFS]
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Yeah, it's all fun and games
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'til you're reusing your diabetes needles.
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Enjoy.
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♪
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♪
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♪
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Synced and corrected by louvette
www.addic7ed.com
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[DAN AND ROSEANNE LAUGHING]
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"Roseanne"
is taped in front of a live audience.
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[GROANS]
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There's my Uber gal.
41
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How was your day of picking up
perfect strangers for money?
42
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[CHUCKLES]
43
00:02:02,780 --> 00:02:05,548
Fine, but every time I stepped
on the brake,
44
00:02:05,650 --> 00:02:07,010
it killed my knee.
45
00:02:07,452 --> 00:02:10,486
I had this one guy who
actually wanted me to stop
46
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at every single stop sign.
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Hey! Have you seen my ice pack?
48
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No, but I've got something
way better to show you.
49
00:02:21,844 --> 00:02:24,945
Whoa, you're really phoning
in the foreplay these days.
50
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Come with me, and prepare to be overjoyed.
51
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[CLICKS TONGUE]
52
00:02:30,619 --> 00:02:32,853
Could it be I'm getting a spanking
53
00:02:32,955 --> 00:02:35,422
from Mr. Wayne Newton?
54
00:02:36,792 --> 00:02:39,459
Kiss that old ice pack goodbye
and say hello
55
00:02:39,562 --> 00:02:42,905
to the superior styling and
customized craftsmanship
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00:02:43,165 --> 00:02:46,436
of the whisper-quiet EasyClimb 5000.
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No.
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I finally got it working.
59
00:02:50,773 --> 00:02:52,706
No, I already told you, I'm not using it.
60
00:02:52,731 --> 00:02:53,864
Those are for old people.
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00:02:54,043 --> 00:02:55,175
Yeah, for old husbands
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00:02:55,277 --> 00:02:56,843
who are tired of running up and down stairs
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00:02:56,868 --> 00:02:58,534
for their hot, young wives.
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Come on, just until your knee gets better.
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00:03:01,617 --> 00:03:03,417
No. We can't afford that anyway.
66
00:03:03,485 --> 00:03:05,405
Take it where you got it
and get your money back.
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I can't.
68
00:03:06,555 --> 00:03:08,188
I got it for the very reasonable price
69
00:03:08,257 --> 00:03:10,824
of "our neighbor died,
and they're tearing down his house."
70
00:03:13,629 --> 00:03:16,163
So, you just went over to his house
and stole it?
71
00:03:16,232 --> 00:03:17,765
No!
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00:03:18,040 --> 00:03:20,374
I went over to his house to
steal his copper plumbing.
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This bad boy was a bonus.
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I'm going out. See you later.
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Oh, and, Granny Rose,
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00:03:26,883 --> 00:03:28,582
your ice pack is in my room somewhere.
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00:03:28,651 --> 00:03:29,917
I used it to keep my smoothie cold.
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00:03:30,167 --> 00:03:32,196
Sorry, it's a little sticky. Bye!
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00:03:34,046 --> 00:03:37,074
What a delightful
and thoughtful young lady.
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00:03:37,683 --> 00:03:39,516
We're so lucky she lets us live here.
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How the hell am I supposed
to get up the stairs
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00:03:42,809 --> 00:03:45,343
to find my ice pack without my ice pack?
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No, I don't need it.
84
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I'm young and vibrant.
85
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- And they're off!
- [MOTOR WHIRRING]
86
00:03:55,127 --> 00:03:58,419
And it's EasyClimb versus
Stubborn Housewife.
87
00:03:58,497 --> 00:03:59,963
Stubborn housewi looking good,
88
00:04:00,065 --> 00:04:03,600
but here comes EasyClimb up on the rail!
89
00:04:06,794 --> 00:04:08,326
Shut up, Dan!
90
00:04:08,395 --> 00:04:10,629
And it's Stubborn Wife looking
back at Awesome Husband
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00:04:10,731 --> 00:04:11,830
with hatred in her eyes.
92
00:04:11,899 --> 00:04:13,832
You know, folks, if she loses this race,
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00:04:13,901 --> 00:04:16,234
they may have to put the old nag down.
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00:04:18,001 --> 00:04:20,301
Hey, Granny Rose,
can you drop this off in my room?
95
00:04:20,404 --> 00:04:22,137
Oh, wow. The chair's going up anyway.
96
00:04:22,239 --> 00:04:23,772
You should really sit in it.
97
00:04:25,542 --> 00:04:27,976
And it's Death Wish comin' out of nowhere
98
00:04:28,078 --> 00:04:29,611
to take it by a nose!
99
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- [DOOR CLOSES]
- BECKY: Emergency!
100
00:04:34,285 --> 00:04:36,252
I can't use the laundry room in my building
101
00:04:36,353 --> 00:04:38,119
because someone's living there now.
102
00:04:39,556 --> 00:04:41,340
Unh-unh, I'm first.
103
00:04:41,593 --> 00:04:43,626
Harris has been hogging
that washing machine,
104
00:04:43,695 --> 00:04:45,995
and I'm totally out of clean underwear.
105
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[CLEARS THROAT]
106
00:04:47,265 --> 00:04:50,133
I'm wearing a coffee filter
and a scrunchie.
107
00:04:51,932 --> 00:04:53,865
But I have to be at the
restaurant in two hours,
108
00:04:53,898 --> 00:04:56,565
and my uniform has blood
all over the sleeve.
109
00:04:56,667 --> 00:04:58,434
Oh, my God. What happened?
110
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Bottomless margaritas
and a dart tournament.
111
00:05:01,981 --> 00:05:03,047
Oh.
112
00:05:03,072 --> 00:05:05,272
Well, we can throw our stuff in together.
113
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The machines are both full.
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Oh, my God. It's full of Harris' stuff.
115
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Damn it!
116
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Is there a problem?
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00:05:13,611 --> 00:05:15,678
Yeah, I need to talk to you about your kid.
118
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[COFFEE POURS]
119
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Why are Harris'
clothes in the washing machine?
120
00:05:19,317 --> 00:05:22,084
Because that's where it gets all
wet and detergent goes on it.
121
00:05:23,074 --> 00:05:25,331
She's been hogging that
machine for three days,
122
00:05:25,332 --> 00:05:27,099
and we got a lot of people in this house.
123
00:05:27,168 --> 00:05:28,500
Okay, I get it. I'll talk to her
124
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as soon as she gets out of the shower.
125
00:05:29,737 --> 00:05:31,581
You're gonna wait for your kid?
126
00:05:31,875 --> 00:05:33,872
Mom used to yell at us in the shower.
127
00:05:34,809 --> 00:05:36,809
It was like that scene in "Psycho".
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[AS ROSEANNE] Take out the trash!
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00:05:40,347 --> 00:05:42,014
Ree! Ree! Ree!
130
00:05:43,050 --> 00:05:46,018
Well,
at least Norman Bates respected his mother.
131
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Ree!
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Hey, when you do get around
133
00:05:51,825 --> 00:05:54,525
to speaking to the Princess of Tide...
134
00:05:55,670 --> 00:05:57,403
she needs to respect her elders,
135
00:05:57,505 --> 00:05:59,906
or I'll make sure she never becomes one.
136
00:06:01,108 --> 00:06:02,441
This is crazy.
137
00:06:02,543 --> 00:06:05,144
- I'll move the clothes into the dryer.
- Bad idea.
138
00:06:05,213 --> 00:06:07,980
Yeah, remember the last time we
told you to put stuff in the dryer
139
00:06:08,005 --> 00:06:10,008
and you threw a pen in there with it?
140
00:06:11,146 --> 00:06:12,685
I had one white shirt.
141
00:06:13,854 --> 00:06:15,955
And then you had one pinstripe shirt.
142
00:06:16,701 --> 00:06:18,691
You shouldn't be doing your kid's chores.
143
00:06:18,691 --> 00:06:21,536
And when did you turn into such a pushover?
144
00:06:21,794 --> 00:06:24,028
You're not being the Darlene
that we knew and loved
145
00:06:24,097 --> 00:06:26,764
and, quite frankly, feared a little bit.
146
00:06:28,204 --> 00:06:30,063
You know what?
You guys already raised your kids.
147
00:06:30,119 --> 00:06:31,585
You're free. Run.
148
00:06:31,610 --> 00:06:34,277
Now would be a great time to finally
learn how to use your phones.
149
00:06:35,948 --> 00:06:38,682
There's the old, nasty Darlene!
150
00:06:39,752 --> 00:06:41,785
Now, quick, before you lose it,
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00:06:41,887 --> 00:06:44,087
go up there and aim it at your kid.
152
00:06:44,189 --> 00:06:45,288
[SCOFFS]
153
00:06:45,390 --> 00:06:47,257
You want me to yell at
her for doing laundry?
154
00:06:47,359 --> 00:06:49,493
Are you worried she's
gonna do the windows next?
155
00:06:49,595 --> 00:06:51,428
Cut her some slack, okay?
156
00:06:51,530 --> 00:06:54,364
Kids don't need slack,
they need boundaries.
157
00:06:54,466 --> 00:06:57,000
The happiest kids are raised in cages.
158
00:06:59,358 --> 00:07:01,821
And it keeps the meat tender.
159
00:07:03,000 --> 00:07:09,074
AmericasCardroom.com brings poker back
Million Dollar Sunday Tournament every Sunday
160
00:07:10,545 --> 00:07:12,378
- What's that thing?
- This?
161
00:07:12,481 --> 00:07:13,677
It's a vegetable brush.
162
00:07:13,702 --> 00:07:15,302
It's for getting the dirt
off of vegetables.
163
00:07:16,622 --> 00:07:19,361
Oh, so it's kind of like a hand?
164
00:07:21,182 --> 00:07:23,282
HARRIS: Don't set a place for me.
I'm not staying.
165
00:07:24,118 --> 00:07:27,419
Why not? We're having clean vegetables.
166
00:07:27,799 --> 00:07:30,215
Can you clean it hard enough
to make it a French fry?
167
00:07:30,901 --> 00:07:32,360
I'm meeting some people at the mall.
168
00:07:32,360 --> 00:07:33,659
We'll grab something there.
169
00:07:33,727 --> 00:07:35,060
Who are these people?
170
00:07:35,128 --> 00:07:36,828
You wouldn't know them.
I barely know them.
171
00:07:36,897 --> 00:07:39,030
[SCOFFS] Why you hanging out
with people you don't know?
172
00:07:39,099 --> 00:07:40,899
Because I've only been here a month,
173
00:07:41,001 --> 00:07:42,901
and I didn't inherit your
charming personality.
174
00:07:42,940 --> 00:07:44,410
A little trust here, Darlene.
175
00:07:44,771 --> 00:07:46,838
Did she just call you "Darlene"?
176
00:07:48,075 --> 00:07:49,541
Yeah. I have no problem with it.
177
00:07:49,643 --> 00:07:51,710
It's very modern.
178
00:07:53,118 --> 00:07:54,951
It allows the parent and the child
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00:07:55,053 --> 00:07:57,027
to address each other as equals.
180
00:07:57,602 --> 00:07:58,608
Thanks, Jackie.
181
00:07:58,633 --> 00:07:59,933
Please call me "Aunt Jackie."
182
00:07:59,958 --> 00:08:02,340
It's the only title that I have.
183
00:08:03,990 --> 00:08:05,223
You know what, Harris,
184
00:08:05,291 --> 00:08:06,523
this isn't really about trust,
185
00:08:06,592 --> 00:08:07,925
but it's kind of my job
186
00:08:07,993 --> 00:08:09,136
to know who you're hanging out with,
187
00:08:09,137 --> 00:08:10,303
so I would really like to meet them.
188
00:08:10,405 --> 00:08:11,737
Oh, my God! [STOMPS FOOT]
189
00:08:11,840 --> 00:08:14,006
You dragged me away from
my friends in Chicago,
190
00:08:14,075 --> 00:08:16,676
and now you're gonna scare off
everybody I meet in this hick town?
191
00:08:16,708 --> 00:08:18,542
- [THICK DRAWL]
- Who's gonna shoot beer cans with me
192
00:08:18,567 --> 00:08:19,933
behind the Dairy Queen?
193
00:08:21,208 --> 00:08:22,208
Alright, fine.
194
00:08:22,276 --> 00:08:23,775
Just be home by 10:00,
195
00:08:23,877 --> 00:08:25,308
and, uh...
196
00:08:25,579 --> 00:08:26,712
here's five bucks.
197
00:08:26,814 --> 00:08:27,879
Thanks.
198
00:08:29,346 --> 00:08:31,680
Oh, so she pushed you around a little,
199
00:08:31,782 --> 00:08:33,048
but you gave her five bucks.
200
00:08:33,150 --> 00:08:34,349
That'll show her.
201
00:08:35,386 --> 00:08:36,652
You had the perfect chance
202
00:08:36,754 --> 00:08:38,487
to check out your daughter's friends,
203
00:08:38,556 --> 00:08:40,043
and you let her play you like a chump.
204
00:08:40,068 --> 00:08:41,167
You know what?
205
00:08:41,192 --> 00:08:42,658
This is gonna come as a shock
to you people,
206
00:08:42,727 --> 00:08:44,188
but I actually trust my kids.
207
00:08:44,213 --> 00:08:47,061
Ha! Here's why you can't trust your kids...
208
00:08:47,572 --> 00:08:49,695
'cause they're stupid.
209
00:08:51,109 --> 00:08:54,203
That's why we don't give 'em cars or booze.
210
00:08:54,613 --> 00:08:57,147
Well, people parent differently
than they did in your day.
211
00:08:57,215 --> 00:08:58,882
Turns out,
a lot of what you did did not work,
212
00:08:58,984 --> 00:09:00,583
and some of it was against the law.
213
00:09:02,398 --> 00:09:03,964
Yeah, it's against the law
214
00:09:04,033 --> 00:09:07,568
because your generation
made everything so PC.
215
00:09:08,092 --> 00:09:09,473
Instead of spanking 'em,
216
00:09:09,473 --> 00:09:12,407
you tell 'em to go over there and
think about what they did wrong.
217
00:09:13,509 --> 00:09:14,749
You know what they're thinking?
218
00:09:14,777 --> 00:09:17,277
"I can't believe this
loser isn't spanking me."
219
00:09:18,638 --> 00:09:19,891
Let me tell you something.
220
00:09:20,384 --> 00:09:21,915
I wrote a poem for my dad,
221
00:09:22,293 --> 00:09:24,120
and he hit me with a broom...
222
00:09:24,780 --> 00:09:25,879
and then he said,
223
00:09:25,904 --> 00:09:28,537
"This broom will do more
for you than any poem."
224
00:09:30,131 --> 00:09:31,985
And that was the Greatest Generation.
225
00:09:33,481 --> 00:09:36,105
Yeah, he also checked under his bed
every night for Japanese soldiers,
226
00:09:36,207 --> 00:09:37,580
so there you go.
227
00:09:38,504 --> 00:09:40,422
Ah, the Dairy Queen.
228
00:09:42,311 --> 00:09:43,643
I dated a boy who worked there.
229
00:09:43,668 --> 00:09:45,298
He gave me free Dilly Bars.
230
00:09:46,281 --> 00:09:48,063
Well, I guess they weren't...
231
00:09:48,784 --> 00:09:49,916
totally free.
232
00:09:52,054 --> 00:09:54,020
[BOTH SNORING]
233
00:09:57,787 --> 00:09:58,787
[SNORTS]
234
00:10:00,224 --> 00:10:02,257
Dan, you're snoring! Wake up.
235
00:10:03,072 --> 00:10:04,258
[SLEEPILY] What time is it?
236
00:10:04,361 --> 00:10:05,661
Did I miss dinner?
237
00:10:05,729 --> 00:10:06,895
[SCOFFS]
238
00:10:06,964 --> 00:10:08,263
It's 11:00.
239
00:10:08,576 --> 00:10:10,998
We slept from "Wheel" to "Kimmel".
240
00:10:11,969 --> 00:10:14,954
We missed all the shows about
black and Asian families.
241
00:10:15,670 --> 00:10:17,761
- Mm, they're just like us.
- [CLICKS]
242
00:10:18,063 --> 00:10:19,562
There, now you're all caught up.
243
00:10:20,875 --> 00:10:22,842
Help me put clothes in the dryer,
would you?
244
00:10:22,944 --> 00:10:24,043
Now?
245
00:10:24,145 --> 00:10:26,846
Yeah,
Harris has had the machine going all day
246
00:10:27,188 --> 00:10:29,282
washing them hobo clothes...
247
00:10:30,400 --> 00:10:32,300
that she wants to sell on, uh,
248
00:10:32,368 --> 00:10:33,634
the Betsy.
249
00:10:35,852 --> 00:10:37,085
You know what I think it is?
250
00:10:37,153 --> 00:10:39,312
Darlene doesn't want to be the bad guy.
251
00:10:39,623 --> 00:10:40,822
There was two of us,
252
00:10:40,890 --> 00:10:42,775
so we could be good cop, bad cop.
253
00:10:43,126 --> 00:10:44,736
She's just good cop.
254
00:10:45,416 --> 00:10:48,113
And you know the movie nobody ever,
ever wants to see?
255
00:10:48,138 --> 00:10:49,063
Mnh-mnh.
256
00:10:49,064 --> 00:10:51,703
"Clint Eastwood is 'Supportive Harry'."
257
00:10:54,478 --> 00:10:56,009
Now, come on. Help me up.
258
00:10:56,217 --> 00:10:58,217
[STRAINING] We got to go
put clothes in the dryer.
259
00:10:58,319 --> 00:10:59,819
- [BOTH GROANING]
- Ow!
260
00:10:59,921 --> 00:11:01,398
Do I have to?
261
00:11:01,524 --> 00:11:04,573
[WHINING] Yes. Keep me company.
262
00:11:04,963 --> 00:11:06,463
I'll make it fun.
263
00:11:06,533 --> 00:11:08,900
I'll do my "seven veils" dance
264
00:11:08,952 --> 00:11:10,685
with the dryer sheets again.
265
00:11:12,489 --> 00:11:13,658
Tempting.
266
00:11:14,057 --> 00:11:15,323
And that's what I'll be dreaming of
267
00:11:15,425 --> 00:11:17,592
when I'm lying on this here couch.
268
00:11:18,862 --> 00:11:20,932
Fine, I'll do it myself.
269
00:11:21,455 --> 00:11:23,418
Where'd all the real men go?
270
00:11:23,567 --> 00:11:25,774
They're hiding from all the real women.
271
00:11:28,472 --> 00:11:29,537
[SCOFFS]
272
00:11:29,639 --> 00:11:30,639
Damn!
273
00:11:30,674 --> 00:11:32,465
She's hogging the dryer!
274
00:11:32,748 --> 00:11:34,682
Leaving all my wet stuff again.
275
00:11:34,784 --> 00:11:35,784
[SLAMS HAND] This is it!
276
00:11:35,885 --> 00:11:37,718
Harris, it's on!
277
00:11:38,694 --> 00:11:40,297
I'm coming up there!
278
00:11:44,794 --> 00:11:45,826
Fine!
279
00:11:52,268 --> 00:11:53,882
I'm on my way!
280
00:11:55,371 --> 00:11:57,404
[MOTOR WHIRRING]
281
00:11:59,008 --> 00:12:01,138
And I mean business!
282
00:12:04,119 --> 00:12:05,636
Wow!
283
00:12:06,288 --> 00:12:08,422
I didn't think that thing
would hold together.
284
00:12:08,490 --> 00:12:11,425
I just tested it with a bag of rock salt.
285
00:12:11,821 --> 00:12:13,187
Look at her go.
286
00:12:14,157 --> 00:12:16,257
Quit looking at me, Dan!
287
00:12:18,294 --> 00:12:20,575
I'm not looking at you.
288
00:12:21,083 --> 00:12:23,325
I'm just checking
to see if I had any calls.
289
00:12:24,247 --> 00:12:25,299
Got it.
290
00:12:25,765 --> 00:12:26,869
Hey, Granny Rose.
291
00:12:26,936 --> 00:12:29,637
I need some coffee when you come down!
Can you make me some?
292
00:12:30,143 --> 00:12:31,313
ROSEANNE: Damn it!
293
00:12:36,414 --> 00:12:38,147
You better stay right where you are,
294
00:12:38,249 --> 00:12:40,249
if you know what's good for you, Harris!
295
00:12:41,996 --> 00:12:44,720
I'll be over there
in three or four minutes!
296
00:12:46,653 --> 00:12:47,685
Harris!
297
00:12:51,508 --> 00:12:54,820
Why did you put my clean clothes
298
00:12:54,856 --> 00:12:57,515
on top of the filthy washing machine?
299
00:12:57,910 --> 00:12:59,943
Now I've got to wash them all over again.
300
00:13:00,012 --> 00:13:01,211
I needed the machine.
301
00:13:01,313 --> 00:13:02,880
I just got a bunch of stuff
from the thrift store.
302
00:13:02,948 --> 00:13:04,248
Well, here's an idea...
303
00:13:04,316 --> 00:13:07,551
Why not put my stuff in the dryer first?
304
00:13:07,620 --> 00:13:09,353
Why? It's your stuff.
305
00:13:12,221 --> 00:13:14,755
Get your stuff out of the dryer now.
306
00:13:15,005 --> 00:13:16,037
I'm having a muffin.
307
00:13:16,186 --> 00:13:17,325
I'll do it in a minute.
308
00:13:19,810 --> 00:13:21,600
Those are for breakfast.
309
00:13:21,812 --> 00:13:23,287
But I'm hungry now.
310
00:13:23,580 --> 00:13:24,980
Well, you're a woman in America.
311
00:13:25,005 --> 00:13:26,014
Get used to it.
312
00:13:26,083 --> 00:13:27,757
What is your problem?
313
00:13:29,887 --> 00:13:32,621
My problem is you're acting
like you own the place,
314
00:13:32,646 --> 00:13:34,546
and we don't even own the place.
315
00:13:35,734 --> 00:13:37,325
- Hey.
- What?
316
00:13:37,755 --> 00:13:40,622
You think you're better than everybody
else in this house, don't you?
317
00:13:40,691 --> 00:13:42,491
Do you really want me to answer that?
318
00:13:42,593 --> 00:13:44,426
No, I'll answer it for you...
319
00:13:44,635 --> 00:13:45,928
You're not!
320
00:13:46,942 --> 00:13:48,175
You're smart for a kid,
321
00:13:48,243 --> 00:13:50,523
but you're still dumb for a person.
322
00:13:52,648 --> 00:13:54,214
And you got it real good here.
323
00:13:54,552 --> 00:13:57,587
We got shampoo and conditioner
in separate bottles...
324
00:13:59,057 --> 00:14:00,523
and we got three fridges
325
00:14:00,592 --> 00:14:02,502
if you count the one in the driveway.
326
00:14:03,990 --> 00:14:06,323
So you better start showing some gratitude
327
00:14:06,392 --> 00:14:09,841
instead of acting like an entitled,
little bitch.
328
00:14:12,341 --> 00:14:13,592
You know what?
329
00:14:13,809 --> 00:14:15,075
I don't need to get yelled at
330
00:14:15,110 --> 00:14:17,143
by some stupid, old hillbilly.
331
00:14:17,980 --> 00:14:19,377
- Hey!
- What?!
332
00:14:21,663 --> 00:14:24,831
I want you to rinse off
this plate in the sink.
333
00:14:24,933 --> 00:14:26,032
Whatever.
334
00:14:27,236 --> 00:14:29,202
[HOSE GRINDS, WATER RUSHES]
335
00:14:29,838 --> 00:14:31,371
[GASPS, SCREAMS]
336
00:14:31,440 --> 00:14:34,941
Welcome to the hillbilly day spa!
337
00:14:37,079 --> 00:14:39,079
- [SCREAMS]
- [CACKLING]
338
00:14:40,519 --> 00:14:42,419
Mom! Stop! What are you doing?
339
00:14:42,444 --> 00:14:43,621
- [WATER SHUTS OFF]
- [SCOFFS]
340
00:14:43,646 --> 00:14:45,575
Your hellspawn...
341
00:14:47,955 --> 00:14:50,756
threw all my clean clothes on
top of the dirty washing machine,
342
00:14:50,791 --> 00:14:53,291
and then she called me a stupid hillbilly!
343
00:14:53,360 --> 00:14:54,593
I was being nice!
344
00:14:54,996 --> 00:14:57,145
She's a crazy, stupid hillbilly!
345
00:14:57,957 --> 00:15:00,257
You apologize to your grandmother.
346
00:15:00,391 --> 00:15:01,580
And old!
347
00:15:01,726 --> 00:15:03,960
She... said... "old"!
348
00:15:05,930 --> 00:15:07,239
Say it!
349
00:15:07,599 --> 00:15:08,731
I'm sorry!
350
00:15:08,833 --> 00:15:09,899
God!
351
00:15:09,968 --> 00:15:10,968
Great.
352
00:15:10,993 --> 00:15:12,535
Now you tell your kid
353
00:15:12,560 --> 00:15:14,080
to get her stuff out of the dryer
354
00:15:14,105 --> 00:15:16,305
so I can finish my laundry and go to sleep.
355
00:15:16,777 --> 00:15:18,577
Fun grandma loses her cool
356
00:15:18,646 --> 00:15:20,445
if she gets less than eight hours.
357
00:15:20,746 --> 00:15:21,912
Fine!
358
00:15:25,386 --> 00:15:27,986
Listen, she was wrong,
but you are not her parent.
359
00:15:28,241 --> 00:15:29,681
How could you do something like that?
360
00:15:30,047 --> 00:15:31,146
It wasn't that hard.
361
00:15:31,215 --> 00:15:33,565
You just get her by the
neck and lean into it,
362
00:15:33,917 --> 00:15:34,980
you know...
363
00:15:35,005 --> 00:15:37,906
and then you keep
the sprayer going like so.
364
00:15:39,089 --> 00:15:41,323
The dryer is empty now. Happy?
365
00:15:41,391 --> 00:15:43,360
- I will talk to you upstairs.
- [SCOFFS]
366
00:15:43,490 --> 00:15:44,613
[CLACK]
367
00:15:44,613 --> 00:15:45,645
Hold up.
368
00:15:47,370 --> 00:15:48,893
Hey! That's mine! Give me that!
369
00:15:48,918 --> 00:15:50,040
Not so fast.
370
00:15:50,919 --> 00:15:51,966
[CHUCKLES]
371
00:15:52,723 --> 00:15:55,458
So, they left a security tag on
372
00:15:55,559 --> 00:15:57,304
from the thrift store?
373
00:15:57,694 --> 00:15:59,828
They left one on. Big deal.
374
00:15:59,896 --> 00:16:01,930
This is not from a thrift store, Harris.
375
00:16:02,032 --> 00:16:03,798
They don't put security tags on clothes
376
00:16:03,867 --> 00:16:05,696
that cost less than security tags.
377
00:16:08,268 --> 00:16:09,628
Did you steal this?
378
00:16:09,628 --> 00:16:11,895
No, I got it from some kids at school.
379
00:16:11,964 --> 00:16:13,363
So they stole it?
380
00:16:13,636 --> 00:16:15,102
Whatever. Who cares?
381
00:16:15,171 --> 00:16:17,409
I just am selling it on my store.
382
00:16:17,673 --> 00:16:18,605
[SCOFFS]
383
00:16:18,674 --> 00:16:19,874
Do you know you can go to jail
384
00:16:19,942 --> 00:16:22,848
for selling things that are stolen online?
385
00:16:22,873 --> 00:16:23,781
Are you stupid?
386
00:16:23,890 --> 00:16:24,877
Yes!
387
00:16:26,765 --> 00:16:29,132
They told me I couldn't get in any trouble!
388
00:16:29,201 --> 00:16:31,468
I just wanted to make some
money because my life sucks.
389
00:16:31,570 --> 00:16:33,603
Hey, all our lives suck.
390
00:16:33,987 --> 00:16:36,596
That's why we put marshmallows on yams.
391
00:16:38,324 --> 00:16:39,390
You know what?
392
00:16:40,727 --> 00:16:42,526
[SCOFFS] You are not helping.
393
00:16:42,595 --> 00:16:44,729
Please just let me talk to
Harris alone for a second.
394
00:16:44,831 --> 00:16:45,896
Sure.
395
00:16:47,000 --> 00:16:48,399
I'm just gonna check around this house
396
00:16:48,468 --> 00:16:51,162
to see if any of my stuff is missing.
397
00:16:51,835 --> 00:16:54,172
[SMACKS LIPS] A lot of
my clothes turned vintage.
398
00:16:58,857 --> 00:16:59,923
Sit.
399
00:17:04,852 --> 00:17:05,974
God!
400
00:17:06,607 --> 00:17:07,985
I trusted you!
401
00:17:08,376 --> 00:17:10,970
You know?
I mean, you completely betrayed that!
402
00:17:11,512 --> 00:17:12,878
I was going easy on you
403
00:17:12,947 --> 00:17:15,242
because I felt guilty
about bringing you here!
404
00:17:15,274 --> 00:17:17,616
Well, you shouldn't have brought
me here because I hate it!
405
00:17:17,876 --> 00:17:19,210
I have no friends.
406
00:17:19,511 --> 00:17:20,877
The kids here are idiots.
407
00:17:20,946 --> 00:17:23,513
Who leaves security tags on stolen clothes?
408
00:17:23,615 --> 00:17:24,714
[SCOFFS]
409
00:17:25,038 --> 00:17:27,716
God, I'm sorry your henchmen are stupid,
Riddler.
410
00:17:30,681 --> 00:17:32,915
I mean, what... What is so important to you
411
00:17:32,983 --> 00:17:34,883
that you would go on this crime spree?
412
00:17:36,583 --> 00:17:38,449
I needed money to go
back and live in Chicago.
413
00:17:38,552 --> 00:17:39,851
I already bought my bus ticket,
414
00:17:39,920 --> 00:17:41,987
and Anna's sister said I can
live with her in her apartment
415
00:17:42,089 --> 00:17:43,522
- if I chip in for rent.
- [SCOFFS]
416
00:17:43,624 --> 00:17:45,220
I was planning on leaving
at the end of the month.
417
00:17:46,060 --> 00:17:47,295
Wow. [SCOFFS]
418
00:17:47,932 --> 00:17:50,833
Part of me wants to ask how big
Anna's sister's apartment is, but...
419
00:17:52,122 --> 00:17:54,022
let's go to a healthier place here.
420
00:17:56,560 --> 00:17:57,560
[SCOFFS]
421
00:17:58,612 --> 00:18:00,546
Are you really that miserable?
422
00:18:00,614 --> 00:18:03,048
I... Yes, I miss my friends.
423
00:18:03,150 --> 00:18:04,566
I don't belong here.
424
00:18:05,229 --> 00:18:06,625
If you make me stay...
425
00:18:07,362 --> 00:18:08,561
I'm gonna hate you.
426
00:18:08,631 --> 00:18:10,823
Well, then, that's how it's gonna be.
427
00:18:12,326 --> 00:18:14,617
You know, I'm not a huge fan
of yours right now, either.
428
00:18:15,428 --> 00:18:17,916
But we are in this together, okay?
429
00:18:18,231 --> 00:18:21,004
We came here because our
family needed support.
430
00:18:21,367 --> 00:18:22,420
And you know what?
431
00:18:22,445 --> 00:18:23,445
No matter what you think
432
00:18:23,470 --> 00:18:25,503
of those crazy, old, stupid hillbillies,
433
00:18:25,878 --> 00:18:27,344
they will get in the pickup truck,
434
00:18:27,446 --> 00:18:30,547
and they will pull you out of
any well that you fall into.
435
00:18:32,584 --> 00:18:33,850
I didn't fall into a well.
436
00:18:33,952 --> 00:18:35,897
Grandma sprayed me with a hose.
437
00:18:36,603 --> 00:18:39,179
Alright, well, now you see why
you need her on your side, right?
438
00:18:41,968 --> 00:18:43,271
I'm gonna make you a deal.
439
00:18:45,420 --> 00:18:47,387
If you're still miserable in three years,
440
00:18:47,490 --> 00:18:48,989
you can move back to Chicago.
441
00:18:49,091 --> 00:18:50,190
Really?
442
00:18:50,293 --> 00:18:52,328
Oh, thank you so much, Mom.
443
00:18:52,522 --> 00:18:53,454
You're welcome.
444
00:18:53,696 --> 00:18:56,163
Wait... in three years, I'll be 18,
445
00:18:56,232 --> 00:18:58,629
and I can do whatever I want anyways.
446
00:18:59,371 --> 00:19:00,864
Well, I'm trying to work with you here.
447
00:19:00,889 --> 00:19:02,076
[SIGHS]
448
00:19:02,693 --> 00:19:05,027
But you know I still have to punish you,
right?
449
00:19:05,229 --> 00:19:07,329
So you're not leaving this
house for three weeks,
450
00:19:07,398 --> 00:19:09,429
you are closing down the Etsy store,
451
00:19:09,868 --> 00:19:12,836
and you're giving me all your
passwords to all your accounts
452
00:19:12,939 --> 00:19:14,205
for everything.
453
00:19:14,307 --> 00:19:16,607
How about none of that happens,
454
00:19:16,709 --> 00:19:18,309
but I just lose your trust?
455
00:19:19,396 --> 00:19:20,478
Passwords.
456
00:19:20,580 --> 00:19:21,580
[SIGHS]
457
00:19:21,850 --> 00:19:22,929
Okay.
458
00:19:23,359 --> 00:19:25,199
But just know that there are some things
459
00:19:25,199 --> 00:19:26,479
on my private Instagram account
460
00:19:26,548 --> 00:19:28,084
that are less than flattering about you.
461
00:19:29,083 --> 00:19:30,149
Ditto.
462
00:19:30,251 --> 00:19:33,085
♪
463
00:19:33,188 --> 00:19:34,130
[DOOR OPENS]
464
00:19:34,155 --> 00:19:35,755
Housekeeping.
465
00:19:37,058 --> 00:19:38,291
Look, before you say anything,
466
00:19:38,393 --> 00:19:40,197
I let my guard down, and I shouldn't have.
467
00:19:40,222 --> 00:19:41,722
So lesson learned.
468
00:19:42,030 --> 00:19:44,130
Well, don't be too hard on yourself.
469
00:19:44,504 --> 00:19:46,233
You stepped up when you needed to.
470
00:19:46,334 --> 00:19:47,800
You know, we all want to believe
471
00:19:47,825 --> 00:19:49,466
the best in people, but...
472
00:19:49,995 --> 00:19:52,764
the truth is, kids lie, people cheat...
473
00:19:53,521 --> 00:19:56,122
and you don't want to be the
one that gets eaten by the bear.
474
00:19:58,554 --> 00:20:00,233
Wow. Was that one of your poems?
475
00:20:00,990 --> 00:20:03,757
'Cause I'm starting to get why
your dad hit you with a broom.
476
00:20:04,555 --> 00:20:06,682
Your father's just trying to say that,
477
00:20:06,763 --> 00:20:09,798
you know, it's not easy,
and you did a good job.
478
00:20:10,227 --> 00:20:12,986
The whole parenting thing
is kind of learn-as-you-go.
479
00:20:13,522 --> 00:20:16,390
And there's no books on how to raise kids.
480
00:20:18,494 --> 00:20:20,694
Yes, there are.
There are literally thousands.
481
00:20:23,365 --> 00:20:25,999
Yeah, but it's not like they're
just laying around for free
482
00:20:26,101 --> 00:20:28,568
where anybody can pick
them up and read them.
483
00:20:29,772 --> 00:20:30,837
Yes, you can.
484
00:20:30,862 --> 00:20:32,364
There's a library two blocks from here.
485
00:20:33,475 --> 00:20:34,684
That's a "liberry"?
486
00:20:36,044 --> 00:20:37,377
Okay, you guys are hilarious,
487
00:20:37,479 --> 00:20:40,280
but you will be happy to hear
that I got all of her passwords.
488
00:20:40,382 --> 00:20:42,179
Now you're talkin'.
489
00:20:42,718 --> 00:20:44,551
Let's fire up this mo-chine
490
00:20:44,653 --> 00:20:47,114
and see what we're dealing with here.
491
00:20:47,589 --> 00:20:50,524
Rose,
it's okay for her mom to check up on her,
492
00:20:50,592 --> 00:20:52,025
but we're just snooping.
493
00:20:52,127 --> 00:20:53,887
[GASPS] Move over, girls!
494
00:20:59,206 --> 00:21:01,264
ROSEANNE: Hey, you almost done in there?
495
00:21:01,835 --> 00:21:03,601
I put all my dirty clothes in the hamper,
496
00:21:03,702 --> 00:21:05,903
I washed my breakfast dishes and Mark's,
497
00:21:05,928 --> 00:21:07,794
and I closed my Etsy account.
498
00:21:07,973 --> 00:21:09,473
Yeah, but you almost done in there?
499
00:21:09,575 --> 00:21:11,161
You got people waitin'.
500
00:21:11,477 --> 00:21:14,788
I think I deserve a nice,
long shower after all that.
501
00:21:15,447 --> 00:21:16,813
Wrong answer.
502
00:21:16,838 --> 00:21:18,892
- Hand me the soap, would you?
- [GASPS]
503
00:21:19,852 --> 00:21:20,918
Oh, my God!
504
00:21:21,020 --> 00:21:22,085
Ha ha!
505
00:21:22,187 --> 00:21:23,287
Oh, what?
506
00:21:23,389 --> 00:21:25,455
You're too good to shower
with your grandma?
506
00:21:26,305 --> 00:21:32,201
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