Original subtitles

Previously on "You Me Her"... I told you, Izzy, this was a mistake.

If you walk out that door, you are dead to me.

Are you sure you left for the right reasons

and you're still getting a divorce on Monday

and driving back to Seattle? -Yes.

We agreed that before we started talking about

nannies and daycare, the girls would be 3 years old.

What is wrong with your entire generation of men?

Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh!

Well, when I was a kid, my dad used to leave me at a bar

in the back. while he did God knows what Huh.

How long are you gonna keep showing up like this?

Until you forgive me or my project ends.

You know, what would look really good

on this tiny finger right there?

Jack, I have an idea. Why don't I propose to you?

-Jack Trakarsky? -Yes?

-I almost proposed to Jack. -That's awesome.

Nina, why is Shaun cooking dinner in your kitchen?

-You're pregnant. -I am that.

Ky, I'm sorry. It was a massive mistake.

I'll go with you.

You have a right to know.

♪♪

Jack, did you hear what I said?

Yeah, um...

When you say I have a right to know,

we're talking about...

Mm-hmm.

[ Sighs ]

So what happens now?

Haven't really had a chance to explore my options.

Kylie offered...to take me.

I-I didn't say yes.

I also didn't say no.

-Jack... -What?

Jack, can we just...

can we just sit down and talk about this like grownups?

Yeah, I'm supposed to be playing it cool, I guess.

That's how you want me to react?

Please. I'm intrigued.

Tell me more about your plan to abort the baby

we've been trying to have for the last seven years.

Okay, can you tone down the righteous indignation

to a seven or an eight, huh?

We both agreed what happened was a huge mistake.

So it's pretty fucking complicated, Jack.

You know, we shouldn't have What? Why? this conversation here.

Because Izzy has a meeting with her thesis counselor right now.

"The Myth of Polyfidelity."

Great premise. Well done.

Thanks. Uh, I call it "The Communism of Relationships"

because it's way better in theory than it is on its feet.

Fascinating.

You have no idea what I'm talking about, do you?

I'm familiar with the concept of polyamory.

Oh. Okay.

Uh, well, polyfidelity is the fucktarded effort

to make polyamory exclusive and -- and permanent,

or so I've read.

Why are you so afraid of Izzy?

She would freak out if she knew I was talking to you right now.

-She hates you. -[ Sighs ]

Your caller ID on her phone is "Dead to Me."

She didn't return her father's calls for over a year,

and he only left her once.

I'm meeting him tonight, by the way.

[ Scoffs ]

-That's a big step. -I know.

I've had the engagement ring in my underwear drawer

for five weeks now. -[ Laughs ]

Well, not one to drag your feet, are you, Jack?

Remind me, how quickly did you jump uteruses?

Or -- or is it uteri?

Feeling fucking wounded, Em, are you?

Okay, well, look at it from my fucking point of view, okay?

My ex-wife shows up in slippers

to tell me that her new girlfriend

is gonna be escorting her to the Abortion Ball.

[ Whispers ] Okay, that's In what fucking way? so fucking offensive.

In the way that I am fucking pregnant.

Holy shit.

[ Whispers ] Yeah.

Aside from the obvious --

cultural conditioning, insecurity, jealousy,

why do you think polyfidelity is, uh...

"fucktarded"?

Hello?

Izzy?

I'm 38 years old. I live in Seattle,

where I'm gonna be managing partner at my firm.

I'm with a woman who has literally said

on multiple occasions these three words --

"Babies are gross."

Is that...

-Dr. Trakarsky -- -Jesus! Wear a bell.

So sorry. That came out very disrespectful.

Well, is there a respectful way

to tell your advisor to wear a bell?

What is she doing here?

[ Scoffs ] Unbelievable.

-What do you want? -I don't know.

That's why I haven't RSVP'd to the Abortion Ball.

Maybe you decided you didn't want kids

when you realized you couldn't have them.

You really think now is the time for "I told you so's"?

Actually, I think this should be the happiest moment

of both of our lives.

Don't have an abortion.

We can figure something out.

Will you at least... think about it?

I will. I promise.

Don't say anything to Izzy.

Not now.

She and I are just about to go all in together, and...

You are, um...

undecided.

Are you lost? [ Descending footsteps ]

Couldn't make it in the big city?

Road the rails back to Portland?

These are my driving clothes.

I like to be comfortable.

Well, how 'bout we just cut straight to the part

where you tell me what the fuck is going on?

I am staying at the Carlyle. I went for a walk.

It's right over there, just a mile.

And you wore slippers?

Forgot my sneaks.

Okay.

And you didn't tell Jack you were gonna be in town?

Meeting came together at the last minute, so...

-You can ask him. -Oh. I will.

And maybe I'll give you a call at the Carlyle.

Well, I'm not there. I'm here. So...

You know, just to see if you're registered.

Izzy, I don't know why we can't be amicable.

I-I know that what happened at the loft --

Look, just stop dropping in and out of our lives.

Let us move forward.

Okay.

♪ Yeah, we're never quite right ♪

[ Touchscreen clicking ]

♪♪

♪♪

[ Cellphone vibrates ]

♪♪

-[ Sighs heavily ] -Yeah, 8's good,

assuming Jack's still alive by then.

Oh, no. He's perfectly healthy.

But people inexplicably fall out of windows every day

in this country.

Google it.

Okay. Bye.

Hello? [ Knock on door ]

[ Cellphone vibrates ]

[ Whispers ] Okay. Okay, Silva. Be cool, be cool.

[ Inhales deeply ] Just don't be that girl.

Just...

♪♪

I get -- I get that I'm coming off a little nutty over here.

Um, I'm actually caffeine sensitive and I just threw back,

like, four cups of Kenyan Dark, so...

♪♪

Okay, now I hear you wondering why I would drink four cups

of Kenyan Dark if I have a caffeine sensitivity.

Well...maybe that's why I'm seeing the head shrinker.

Did you ever think of that?

-Hey. -Hi.

-Bumblebutt. -Bumblebutt?

[ Chuckles ] Yeah.

[ Door closes ]

-How was your meeting? -Good. Fine.

Yeah? Dad just called. 8 still okay?

Are you a steak guy? Is it weird that I don't know that?

Hey, we're all steak guys.

Some of us just pretend we're not

so we can laid by some pale skinny women.

Hmm.

Speaking of pale, skinny women...

You -- you saw Emma, too?

Everyone lived? [ Sighs deeply ]

-Not in my imagination. -Mm.

"Bitterness is like drinking poison

to kill your enemy," young lady.

-Why you talking like that? -It's a saying.

Uh...

It felt like it was from the old times.

Okay, so, um, why is, uh,

why is she here again?

She was at a meeting,

and she's staying at the Carlyle.

Mm. That's what she said.

-Yeah, that's the gist of it. -Right.

So why is my Spidey sense screaming

that something weird's going down?

[ Exhales deeply ]

I don't know. I mean, you -- we've discussed this.

You have no version of a sixth sense at all.

-Right. -You're way below the mean

basic human intuition. Oh. when it comes to

So nice try, but off target.

What?

Ow.

Maybe don't shave.

He's the one on trial, not you, right?

-Your dad? -Mm-hmm.

Yeah. I wanna make a good first impression.

Maybe I'll show up late, you know, sweat pants on,

half-drunk. -That's perfect.

-That'd be good, right? -Yeah. It's perfect.

Oh! [ Laughs ] That...

Okay.

-You're leaving? That's it? -Yeah.

All right.

-I'll see ya. -Mm-hmm.

Yeah, have a good one.

Fuck me! [ Door closes ]

Ugh. Mm.

Hey, Carm?

Hi. I just wanna stop by

and say that I love you,

you know, before I go to Seattle and probably get an abortion.

and beg Kylie to forgive me.

Oh, and yes, I am mostly wearing

the clothes that I slept in last night.

But for the record, I did brush my teeth.

[ Baby babbles and giggles ]

[ Chuckles ]

Wouldn't that be hysterical? Uh-huh.

Okay, well, I just wanted to play

that clever little prank on you.

So best to you and to yours.

You left some banana here. [ Front door opens ]

[ Front door closes ]

Kind of puts our little problem into perspective, huh?

[ Sighs ] Well, it's not little, So no. No, it doesn't.

So do you guys want to play princesses or princesses?

Princesses.

All right. To the treasure trunk!

[ Imitates rocket firing ]

[ Giggles ]

♪♪

♪ I don't feel your light ♪

♪ I hear a storm inside ♪

♪♪

♪ Reaching like a great divide ♪

♪ I'll be sleeping through... ♪

Mnh. That's okay. You just gotta aim better.

So how about school?

[ Scoffs ] Didn't work out too much.

Mm.

[ Gasps ]

Nice one.

♪♪

You really should finish.

You really should mind your own business.

Okay. Totally cool.

Just getting my volunteer hours.

You don't know anything about anything.

I got kicked out junior year, but...whatever.

For what?

[ Pool balls clack ]

Uh, when my dad bailed, I went on a bit of a rampage.

Drugs, skipping, failing, fighting,

all the things.

I went to Algebra on acid.

I do not recommend it. [ Laughs ]

Hmm. And now, you're a grad student.

I am. Yeah.

I tested into a granola bad kids school

and I graduated with honors.

And then I wrote one hell of a tearjerker essay

for my college apps.

Mm-hmm. You're like a PSA.

In the flesh.

[ Chuckles ]

I can't enroll anyway. I don't have an address.

[ Balls clack ]

♪♪

No family at all?

No. Well, other than my grandma, but we haven't talked in years.

And she is nuts.

♪♪

Don't get that stupid savior look in your eye.

Savior? Me?

No. No, no, no. That is not my thing. No.

More of the acid-dropping, pool shark type.

Mm.

-Go ahead. -Stop smiling. I'm serious.

-Oh, now I can't smile? -No.

Well, I know you can't smile, but I'm allowed to smile.

Go.

♪♪

Okay, so we've had a few cancellations for the party tonight,

but I think we've got a good representation

from the West Coast princesses, right?

Now who was in charge of snacks? [ Front door opens ] Was that you, Callie?

-Callie: No. -Did you bring any snacks?

Dave: [ Chuckles ] Oh, was that a little hiccup?

Was it a magic hiccup or just a regular one?

You have to have your gloves. That's important.

-Can you help me? -Yes, of course I can.

Is this a left or the right? Here we go. Your left.

Okay, now can you make Yeah. your fingers like this?

[ Laughs ] Hey!

I thought I heard a persistent ticking

in the background.

In case you're not clear, that's another, um, biological clock joke.

-Callie: You did it! -I did it. We did it together.

What do you want, honey? This one?

-[ Callie giggles ] -Put it on nicely, okay?

[ Giggles ]

You can be Princess Monsterface.

[ Scoffs ] That's a good name for you, 'cause you really do...

Oh.

Jeez, uh...

is this about Emma and, um...

Yeah, I mean, she came all this way to tell me.

That has to mean something, right?

Why else would she just... show up like that?

Honestly, I'm, uh, punching out of my weight class on this one.

Is Carmen around?

No, she ran after Emma. Grand Central Station here.

-Here you go, sweetie. -Mm.

Princess Callie? What should I do? What do you think,

-Twirl around. -Just twirl?

-Twirl. -Oh.

Ready? Like this?

-Mm-hmm. -Okay.

Do you want wings? We have extra wings.

No, I feel better already.

-There you go. -Thanks. Here.

♪♪

See?

♪♪

And then I'm thinking that I'm gonna open up a, uh,

my own practice, sex therapy,

a holistic approach, you know? but with more of

That's so cool. And refreshing.

[ Chuckles ] How is that?

Hey, I don't like it when women impugn my entire gender

like we're one giant organism,

so I sure as hell don't want to throw it back the other way.

-But... -But what?

[ Sighs ] Let's just say it ain't easy out there.

Word to that, my brother.

[ Glasses clink ]

Okay, time's up. Remember the parameters of our --

Yeah, I'm good for now, but thanks...

[ Whispers ] intrusive barkeep.

Right, but you -- No, seriously, I'm -- I'm good. you told me that --

Gotcha. Fuck science, right?

[ Laughter ]

Oh, laughing.

And how about you, Captain Sensitive Pants?

-Are you -- you good? -Um...yeah.

Yeah?

-[ Laughs ] -That's cool.

Cool.

[ Whispers ] I don't know.

That was interesting.

[ Lowered voice ] Yeah, I think they get a-a tax rebate

for employing him. -Shaun: I heard that.

[ Indistinct conversations ]

-What? -Not to make this weird, but...

I feel like I know you, Nina.

♪♪

Are you...did I --

Did you just say, "I see you, Nina Martone"?

Actually, no, I said, "I feel like I know you, Nina."

Let me guess. You, uh, you got it from

"The Millennial Twat's Guide to Getting Laid" by Andy Cutler?

Wow, so I'm a twat now. Nice.

I'm clinging to a thread of hope here.

Uh, are you fucking with me?

What -- what does that even mean, anyway?

Like, um, like you -- you can see my soul? [ Scoffs ]

The -- the vulnerable little girl

that forever lives in my heart?

And then, um, seven weeks later, you wanna slow things down,

which apparently is code for

"I'm breaking up with you in nine days"?

Did you take an unfortunate combination of drugs

to prepare for this date? Or are you just crazy?

[ Glass thuds ]

[ Ice clattering, drink dripping ]

-Shaun: Oh. Ohh. -Crazy it is.

Okay. Yeah, I'd say drinks are on the house instead of your...

your crotch, but, uh...

She works here, so... Yeah. Cool. Oh.

[ Sighs ] I-I need to admit something to you, okay?

So don't fuck it up.

♪♪

Okay, but I'm not that good under pressure.

I...have a...

♪♪

...pretty girl ego.

Oh, is that when I was supposed to be surprised?

[ Scoffs ] But I've only seriously opened myself up

to two guys in my entire life,

and -- and they both shat on my head.

Disrespectful.

And highly coincidental. Did they know each other?

I mean, were they part of, uh, same scatological fraternity?

[ Laughs ] Right?

Listen, I think we've come up

with the real question of your thesis.

Oh, fuck. [ Exhales sharply ] Fine, whatever. I'll bite.

What's the real question of my thesis?

"What is wrong with me?"

♪♪

Like you. You're saying it.

You're saying, "What is wrong with me?"

You know? Because you know that's true.

[ Chuckles ]

Okay, um, let's clear some shit up here, Shaun.

First of all, fuck you

and your latest annoying attempt at bartender wisdom.

Okay, don't do that. Don't -- don't put up the Nina armor.

I'm just trying to -- And I already have a mejor amiga, fucking clown.

♪♪

[ Footsteps depart ]

♪♪

[ Children shouting playfully, crow cawing ]

[ Swing creaking ]

Why do I get the sense that you're correlating

me sitting on a swing, staring at a stuffed octopus,

with my wanting to keep this baby?

Am I even necessary in this conversation?

I should be in my car,

on the way back to Seattle right now.

Yet here you are, sitting on a swing,

staring at an octopus.

You know those people who are so deep in Scientology

that they can't turn back?

Like, even when they know it's about tiny aliens?

They just forge on because it's easier than admitting

how fucked up it all is.

So you're saying Seattle's your Church of Scientology?

Yep.

You don't seem surprised.

Well, that's mostly because I'm not.

Jack was right.

I wasn't following my truths.

I was running away.

I mean...

my job is awesome.

And Kylie's awesomer.

Well, a lot of things are awesome and awesomer.

Em, what really matters is,

what do you want?

♪♪

I want this baby.

And?

And I want my husband.

And Izzy.

Do you think Izzy will forgive me?

Well, begging for forgiveness is kind of your thing now, right?

Yeah. Yeah, I mean, my grovel game is on point.

[ Laughs ]

Yellow roses.

Did you just have a stroke and say "yellow roses"

out of nowhere?

It's the official flower of apology.

See? That's why I love you. You know shit like that.

Oh. [ Exhales slowly ]

Ugh! How come you always get to be the caged tiger, okay?

Maybe this time, I wanna be the caged tiger.

-You think about that? -It's a big cage.

So what? We're supposed to do it at the same time?

-Why not? -That's new.

Do I just...do I...

-You just walk. -Do I like it?

Fuck, yeah. You do. It's good. You first. I think I might like it.

Fucking Shaun.

-What? -No, no. [ Laughs ]

No, not me fucking Shaun. Like, God, no.

Shaun's pissing me off.

Okay. So Shaun can piss you off now?

Which means you give a damn about Shaun.

Um, that is so stupid.

Just stop saying stupid shit and try to be less stupid.

He's big and he's furry and he wears a rotation

of, like, four weird t-shirts.

Okay, I get it. Shaun's not your type.

So, uh, what'd he do to piss you off?

He... [ Scoffs ] he says that my thesis isn't really about

the plight of the millennial male --

that it's about me.

-No. -Yeah. Yeah.

And h's, um, he says that I'm trying to figure out

what's wrong with me, why guys keep leaving me.

Can you believe that?

-No. -Yeah. And...

Wait. Wait are you saying no, like, "No fucking shit"?

Yeah, I am.

Nina, there's been 2 guys in 10 years.

Three including today's thesis date,

who was actually a really cool guy.

Okay.

And he, um, took off

when I called him a twat and threw a drink in his face.

[ Laughs ] What a pussy.

Right?

[ Both laugh ]

-Oh, okay. -I-I just --

I can't shake this feeling that Emma's here

for more than a business meeting, you know?

[ Knock on door ]

-What the fuck? -I ordered pizza.

-Oh. Sweet. -Yeah.

I'm starving.

Um... [ Clears throat ]

You can't talk to me like that,

especially in front of customers.

Um...o-okay.

So however it's going to be between us, it is not...

it is not gonna be like that.

Fine. Um, I'm sorry.

And I'll work on it.

Okay.

Uh...

-Izzy. -Shaun.

Okay. So to be continued.

Yeah.

Hmm.

[ Footsteps depart ]

So...what have we learned here today in the tiger cage?

Shaun's got a surprisingly impressive pair.

[ Laughs ]

And you need to stop obsessing over Emma.

-What a beer? -Yeah.

♪♪

Damn it.

Uh, maybe we could save this look

for the second time we meet my dad?

[ Sighs ]

Oh, my God. You are nervous.

That is very cute.

It's the first time I met someone's dad since Hal Seaver.

Yeah? And how did that go?

He gave me a pamphlet for conversion therapy.

Ha ha. Well...well, it looked like it worked.

Mm.

But you have to wait until we get home.

Okay, then I'm gonna challenge your father

to a speed eating contest. -[ Chuckles ]

I love you. Well, duh. I'm touching on your privates.

[ Knock on door ]

I'll get this one 'cause...

-Yeah. Yeah. -You know...

[ Exhales deeply ] Okay, I'll pick out

the perfect pair of father-meeting undies.

Mm-hmm.

Oh, hey, Em. What the fuck are you doing here?

Yellow roses,

the official flower of apology.

Would it help if I knelt? Others have enjoyed it.

That seems excessive.

But I would move one way or the other if I were you.

Why?

I dig the vase.

What'd I tell you this morning, Em?

I told you to stay the fuck away.

Did it seem like I was joking?

Yes, would you please just hear me out?

Who was that?

It was just some lost chick.

A lost chick with a vase?

I know. That's weird, right?

[ Rah Rah's "Chip Off the Heart" playing ]

we'd left everything okay ♪ ♪ When you left, I thought

I thought you swore ♪ ♪ I wanted more,

♪ That you wanted to stay ♪

you touch her waist ♪ ♪ You touch her hand,

♪ When you know I could see ♪

take it easy on me ♪ ♪ Take it easy, take it easy,

chip off the heart ♪ ♪ Just another chip, chip,

chip, chip off the heart ♪ ♪ Just another chip,

chip off the heart ♪ ♪ Just another chip, chip,

chip, chip off the heart ♪ ♪ Just another chip,

♪♪