All language subtitles for Whats.Your.Number.2011.720p.BrRip.x264.YIFY

♪ Light as a feather
Stiff as a board

♪ I'm-a elevate myself
on my own accord

♪ Ain't nobody's business
Who's life is this?

♪ You question my existence
I'm-a read you the list

♪ I'll keep you on your toes
That's just how it goes

♪ You can deal with the lows
Just keep dodging the blows

♪ So I'm-a do me
Who else do I be?

♪ 'Cause I create
my own destiny

♪ I'm-a take back the world
Yo, you got this, girl

♪ I'm steppin' up my game
I'll keep repeating the same

♪ Be on my hustle
every minute of the day

♪ It was mine
for the taking anyways

♪ I'm-a take back the world ♪

How come you always look
so great in the morning?

Do I? Aw.

Got to go, babe.

Oh! I made
tempeh sausage.

Hey, so, I was thinking
that maybe you'd want to be my date

to my sister's wedding.

There's
a vegetarian alternative. I already checked.

Are your parents
going to be there?

At my sister's wedding?
I think so.

I don't know. It just
feels a little serious.

Oh.

I'm sorry, it just...

It felt kind of
serious last night

when you were
doing me from behind,

but I couldn't
see your face, so...

You know, if you ever want
to just hook up, you can call me.

Oh, thank you, Rick.
That's very generous of you.

Yeah.

See you around.

Keep it green.

♪ I roll with the punches
Take 'em as they come

♪ There's some disappointment
But what's the point

WOMAN: Colin, hurry up.

♪ Take a break for a sec
Prepare for what's coming next

♪ I'm-a take back the world

DAISY:Ally, I could have told you

it wasn't going to
work out with Rick two months ago.

Why?

You love meat,
you hate cyclists.

I do love meat.

And to be honest,

I was always a little
worried about the way

he kept wanting to
do it doggy style.

Some people like that,
you know.

No, nobody likes it.

Even the dogs are just waiting
for it to be over.

How many relationships
do I have to have before I meet the right guy?

Evidently a lot.

Hi. Hi, I'm the bride.
I'm Daisy. If you could just...

♪ I'm-a take back the world
Yo, you got this, girl

♪ I'm steppin' up my game
I'll keep repeating the same

♪ Be on my hustle
every minute of the day

♪ Never let it get away

♪ I'm staying motivated
Keep it uncomplicated

♪ Nothing in between
me and my dream

♪ Be on my hustle
every minute of the day

♪ It was mine
for the taking anyways

♪ I'm-a take back the world ♪

Hi.

Hi, guys.

Hi.
Hi.

Right now.
Thinking or smelling?

Ooh, no doubt smelling.

Oh, he's
obviously thinking.

Whatever she's saying
is thought-provoking.

That would be true
if she's talking about what his finger smells like.

Ally.

Hi.

Jet Li is not
related to Bruce Lee.

Lee is a very common
Chinese last name.

They both know kung fu,
but that's the...

Keep your coat on.

Okay, hold...
I got to call you back.

Sweetheart,
we have to let you go.

I'm sorry,
but we had to make some painful cuts.

Who else
is getting fired?

Well, for now,

just you.

Oy!

Hi, Mom,
can I call you right back? I'm in a meeting. Okay.

Mmm.

Not necessary.

No.

Oh.

10.5? Holy shit!

I'm sorry.

It just says here,
the average number of lovers

women have in
their lifetime is 10.5.

Yeah, that seems very high.

High? No, that's low!

10.5 is low!

Whatever you say.

Valerio!

Oh! Finally!

Hi, Mom.

Ow.

Oh, sorry.

Sorry, the train was late.
You look great.

I'm growing out my bangs.

Mmm.

Oh, where is Rick?

Rick's on a business trip,
for his business.

Oh, nuts!
I was looking forward to finally meeting him.

At least this one
doesn't make balloon animals.

Why aren't you wearing
the dress I bought you?

This is
the dress you bought me.

What? It looked very different
on the mannequin.

Is Daisy upstairs?

Yes, she is.
She is a wreck!

Okay. I'm gonna
go check on her.

Please do.

Oh, your cousin
Beau is here.

Step-cousin.

He's a step-cousin.
We're not even really related.

Beau.

Hi.

Oh, thank God
you're here.

Mom has been such a bitch
ever since Eddie's parents got here.

She just cannot believe
that her marriage ended before theirs did.

Well, Dad should
be here soon,

so she'll have someone else
to focus her hatred on.

Um, Dad's not coming.
She wouldn't let me invite him here.

Are you inviting
him to the wedding?

I don't know.

Oh.

Hey, what was
Creepy Puppet Guy's actual name?

You mean the guy
who lived next door who was obsessed with me?

Gerry Perry.

Gerry Perry! Thank you.

What are you writing?

Nothing,
just some notes for my toast.

Is it gonna rhyme?

That depends.
What rhymes with "orgy"?

You just keep it
under three minutes. Ready?

You look amazing.

Thank you.

You go ahead.
I'll be down in a couple of minutes.

Okay.

Eight, nine, 10, 11,

12, 13, 14, 15,

16, 17, 18, 19.

Holy shit. 19?

May I have your attention,
please?

Oh, yoo-hoo!

Can I have your attention,
please? I want to thank you all,

each and every one...
Huh.

Cute.

Beau.

Careful.
He can be a little rough on the nipples.

...to celebrate
my dream come true,

the engagement of
Daisy and Eddie.

Ooh.

As most of you know,
we are a family

that likes to
toast one another.

So, to start the ball rolling,
Daisy's big sister... Ally?

Ally.

ALLY: Hello.

Hello.

When Daisy first told me
that she was dating Eddie,

I couldn't believe it.

GUESTS: Aw!

I said, "Eddie Vogel?

"The schmuck you went out with
in high school?

"He was the biggest douche-bag
of them all."

Even worse than Baby Hands.
You guys remember him?

Baby Hands.

You know how Eddie
broke up with her?

He started dating
her best friend,

who's here tonight,
by the way.

Sheila, stand up.

But...

But

when Eddie saw Daisy
at their high school reunion,

he knew what a big
mistake he had made.

No offense, Sheila.

And now, Eddie's amazing.

You wouldn't even know
he's the same guy.

Except he looks
exactly the same.

God! I wish I went
to my high school reunion,

but I was
growing out my bangs.

I'm always
growing out my bangs. Don't get bangs.

Well, to Daisy and Eddie!

It's okay. It's okay.

SHEILA: Okay,
to Daisy and Eddie and the end of your life.

To Daisy and Eddie.

ALL: To Daisy and Eddie.
To me.

Okay, it's party game time!

Oh, a game? Really?

Absolutely!

But which one?
God, what to play? What to play?

Ooh! Let's write down
the number of people we slept with.

Great idea, Katie.
What?

Okay, we just need paper
and more drinks. Be right back.

Of all the gin joints
in all the towns.

Of all the cliches
in all the world.

Wow. I didn't know you were
gonna take getting fired so hard.

I don't have to laugh
at your jokes anymore because you're not my boss.

Let me buy you these drinks.
I feel really bad about today.

Really?

Thanks. I can't
afford them anyway.

Can I be honest
with you?

You never seemed
to like marketing anyhow.

I liked it.

Yeah, but you
didn't love it.

I guess I did you a favor.

Now you can go get
a job that you love with a boss who you, uh, like.

I like you.

Really? How much?

She bought the whole bottle,
didn't she?

ALLY: Okay, so just write down
the number of guys you've slept with

and put it in this glass,

and then we'll
pick out the number and guess who it belongs to.

Daisy, you go first.

Yeah.

Four.

Oh! That's me.
Yay!

No, no, no, that's not
how you're supposed to play the game.

We're supposed to guess.

Who wasn't gonna guess Katie?
She married Matt when she was, like, 12.

I'm surprised
you've had that many.

Well...

ALLY: Katie,
your turn, let's go.

Eight. Eight... Daisy.

Yes, and I am twice
the woman you are.

Six.

Jamie?
Yep, that's me.

Wait a second,
you're a seven.

I never had sex
with Lars.

Yes, you did.

No. He only stuck
it in just a little, so it doesn't count.

How much was it in?

This much.

What is that?
That tells me nothing.

I've no idea
how big Lars' penis is.

I do. Counts.

Okay. How much needs to go in
to be considered sex?

Anything more
than the tip.

Fine, I'm a seven.
I mean, eight.

Shit! Nine!
Atta girl.

Okay, Jamie, you go.

Hmm.

Thirteen.

KATIE:Thirteen?
Who here is a 13?

Me.

Whore!
Trashy girl. Slut.

KATIE: Sheila!
JAMIE: Slut!

Slutty whore!

What is the big deal?

That is 13 different
penises in one vagina.

SHEILA: It's not like
they were all in there at the same time.

You know what?
I'm done with this. Ally, you go.

Okay.

Go, go,
go, go.

Oh!

Wow, look at that, nine.

I drew myself. Game over.

Wait. A one.
Is this yours?

Uh...
Oh, my God.

You're at 91.

No! I'm at nine!

You're at 19.

KATIE: Nineteen!

Hello, friend.

Fine, I admit it. I'm at 19,

almost twice the national
average. It's bad!

And look at this, there's
even a whole article in Marie Claire about it.

I thought that
playing this game

would make me feel
better about my number,

but now I think
the homeless lady on the train was right.

It's high!

Apparently in America,
96% of women

who have been with
20 or more lovers can't find a husband.

It actually says 20?
Mmm-hmm.

Who cares?
Who did that study anyway?

The scientists over there
at Marie Claire magazine?

Hey, that magazine
taught me how to orgasm.

Actually, that study
was conducted by Dr. Helen Fig,

a postdoctoral fellow
at Harvard University.

Shit!

I see it in my practice
all the time.

When you're too
sexually available,

it messes with
your self-esteem.

Next thing you know,
you're 45 with no self-respect, no husband,

and no muscle tone
in your pelvic floor.

Okay. Well, that is
not gonna happen to me.

Harvard says that
20 is the limit.

I'm at 19,
so that gives me one more chance.

Okay.

I'm gonna make a proclamation.

Shut up! I'm proclamating.

Okay.
I am not gonna sleep with one more guy

until I am sure
he's the one.

I may not have
control over much,

but I do have control
over my pelvic floor.

The next guy who vacations
at casa esperanza

is going to be my husband.

All right.
Yeah.

To taking control
of my own destiny.

ALL: To taking control!

To better decision-making
and goal-following-through.

To better
decision-making and goals!

To 20!

ALL: To 20!

Oh, shit.

Oh, no.
Oh, my God.

Hi.

I slept with my ex-boss.

Carol?

No! The job
I just got fired from.

You got fired?

This is your fault.

When I tried to get you
to leave the bar last night, you spit on me.

But congratulations.

You said 20 is your husband.
Now you're at 20.

Shut up.
I have to admit

that I just did not think
it was gonna happen this quickly,

but I'm so excited.

Hey, Eddie,
Ally's gonna get married.

Great.
He's thrilled.

I know you're
just being a bitch, but maybe he is my husband.

Maybe it's fate. Now we've
got a great story to tell our grandkids.

I don't know why I never
considered him before.

He's not my husband.

Morning.
Morning.

Hey,
you're out of toilet paper.

Okay.

Oh, did you
make coffee?

No. There's a Starbucks
on your way to the T.

Oh, that's okay.
Did you get the newspaper?

No, no, I don't get that.

Morning, 6-C.
That's not mine.

Okay. I locked myself
out of my apartment.

My keys and wallet,
everything, it's over there.

Can I use your phone?

Sure, of course,
let me just get that.

Hey, Roger,
why don't we talk later?

Because I think 6-A
really needs my help.

Colin.
Hi.

Nice to meet you.
Yeah.

So,

how about
some dinner tonight?

Tonight, tonight?
Mmm-hmm.

Oh, we have that
tenants' meeting tonight.

Oh! That's right.
Tenants' meeting.

Oh, we're trying to get
this very loud bird evicted.

But why don't I call you later
and we'll figure out

maybe another time
that we can get together.

Okay.

ALLY: Bye.

Hi, I'm Roger.

Hey, do you think the woman
coming out of your apartment

could have helped you
with the "being locked out" problem?

Okay.

Uh, I had a little situation
that I needed to get out of,

not unlike your
situation here, so I...

Lied to her,
then lied to me?

I look at it as trying
to avoid hurt feelings.

Wow.

This is pretty cool.
Where'd you get this?

I made it.

No shit.

Shit.

Listen, I don't want
to have anything to do

with your crusade to sleep
with every woman in Boston, okay?

They're kind of
like my sisters.

Wow. I thought you'd
be cooler than this.

I saw that toast
you made on YouTube.

Seemed like you had
a good sense of humor.

Those bitches put my toast up
on YouTube?

How did you see it already?

I got everybody
in the building on Google Alert.

I come from a family of cops,
it's in my nature to dig up dirt.

Guy in 4-D tried
to marry his dog.

No! Bandit?

Oh, yeah.

All right, well, looks
like the coast is clear.

Thank you. You're a peach.

You're a pig.

Mmm.

This is good.

Okay, okay, that's enough.
I think the idea is just to taste them.

Why? Nobody's ever gonna
see me naked again.

I might as well enjoy myself.

Yeah, like you're
really gonna be celibate.

I don't have a choice.
I said I was gonna stop at 20,

and now, thanks to
that finger-smelling fuck, I'm at 20.

Just promise me
you're not gonna put me at the singles' table

with Sheila and her mom.
Please.

Seating is
really complicated.

Oh, my God.

Wait.

Does that guy
look familiar to you?

No.

Oh, shit!

What?

That's Disgusting Donald!
I dated him.

Did I ever meet him?

No! Nobody did.

He's the reason
I learned to cook.

We have
nothing to eat! Honey, let's go out tonight.

I don't know. There's just
so many people out there.

Come on. I want to try

the new Korean
barbecue place everyone's talking about.

I can make Korean barbecue.
Easy. What do we need?

Uh, a table with
a grill built into it.

That guy doesn't
look disgusting at all. He's actually kind of cute.

I know, but I really
think it's him.

All right,
well, go say hi and see.

Mmm.

Ally?

Donald?

Oh, my gosh.

It is you.
Hi.

Hi. I can't believe it.
I cannot believe it.

Yeah, well...

Oh, Ally,
please meet my fiancee, Cara.

Hi.
This is Ally.

Nice to meet you.

You, too.

Wow.
So, how did you guys meet?

At a conference.
At a conference.

Can you believe it?
She's a rocket scientist.

No, I'm not.
Yes, you are.

I'm actually just an engineer,
but he loves to say that.

You know,
I'm not the typical...

I get it.

Ally and I are old friends.

What are you doing here?

Oh, I'm just tasting some cake

for my wedding.

Oh!
I'm marrying a scientist, too.

Yeah, he doesn't
look smart either.

I'm here with my sister

because he's up
in the North Pole

dealing with
the whole icecap situation.

Oh.
Yeah.

He's probably gonna fix it.

I can't believe that he said
that we were just friends.

Like I was the embarrassment!

He had man boobs,
big hairy ones.

God! I can't believe
it's the same guy.

He looks so good now.
He even looks taller.

A lot of men get
better with age.

I mean, you said it yourself,
Eddie used to be a total douche.

People change.

You're right.

Daisy, you're a genius.

I don't have to be celibate
or go over 20.

What do you mean?

Donald can't be my only ex
who's gotten better with time.

Okay.

Love you.

Right.

Okay. Huh!

Jake Adams' dad.

Jake Adams' Facebook.

Okay.

Jake Adams III.

No, Jake Adams IV.

Oh, forget it. All right,
moving on, for now.

What do we have next?

Mike Miller.

Eleven million results?

Holy shit!

From Cresskill, New Jersey.

Eight million results!
What the fuck?

Mike Miller from Cresskill,
New Jersey,

obsessed with
Bruce Springsteen,

big balls, tiny penis?

What? No! God!

Oh, God, stop it! No!

AUTOMATED VOICE: Goodbye.

Balls.

♪ You know, I swing them left
and I swing them right ♪

COLIN: That's not my fault.

I told you not
to put it there.

Under the bed.

Hi.

Morning, 6-C.

Hey, um,
I see that you have company,

but I just want to ask you
a really quick question.

Remember how you said
you were good at digging up dirt?

Do you think that
maybe I could pay you to find some people for me?

Sweetheart,
if I'm gonna help you,

you got to give me
more info than that.

Just some guys
that I've dated.

Oh, you have herpes.
That's not a fun call to make.

No, I...

I don't know. I just...

I think that one of these guys
might be worth a second look.

No. I refuse to be
a part of this type of crazy.

I don't know why
these guys broke up with you,

and I need to protect them.

Wait. Why do you assume
they all broke up with me?

Because you seem
like the type of girl

who tries to make
a bad thing work.

Some people
call that optimism.

I call it crazy.

I'm sorry I asked.
I knew you'd be a jerk.

Don't be mad.
It doesn't mean I won't sleep with you.

Ugh! Gross.

Colin! Colin, open up! Colin!

Colin, we got to go!
Mom fell in the shower.

What?
Yeah, she fell in the shower!

Hi.

She's at the hospital.
She's all wet.

We got to get out of here!

They're drying
her off right now, as we speak.

I'm so sorry.
You seem like a really awesome person.

I'm sure he's gonna call you,
but we got to go!

Come on! She's hurt!

Very impressive.

Hmm.

You help me
track down my exes, I'll help you escape yours.

What happened to
protecting your sisters?

If those girls
can't see you coming, they deserve what they get.

Wow. Jesus.

This place really goes
on and on, doesn't it?

And you can use
my apartment to hide in.

Here you go.
Thank you.

Thanks, Diana. Okay.

So, here's all the info
I have on the guys.

Names, most recent
phone numbers...

Hey! Addresses.

Find out who's alive,
single, and still on the East Coast, okay?

I'll take a car or a train,
but not a plane.

I prioritized the list,
so start at the top.

Jake Adams. Is that
the one that got away?

Well, something like that.

His dad's name
is also Jake Adams

and he owns,
like, half of Boston.

So, he should be
pretty easy to find.

The Jake Adams?

Well, he may not be
hard to find,

but I guarantee
he's gonna be hard to get to.

You don't have
a phone number or address or anything like that?

If I had that,
I wouldn't need you.

I do know that Tom Piper
is on the fast track to becoming a senator.

Oh, and move John Kimble
up to number three.

He probably still
works at Starbucks,

but he's the best sex
I've ever had.

You haven't had sex with me.

No, but I have had sex
with other overly confident struggling musicians.

So, I'm good.

What makes you
think I'm a musician?

Guitar in your apartment,
you dress like a horny teenager,

I paid for that sandwich.
Struggling musician.

So, I don't get it.
Why go through all this trouble?

Why not just find a new guy?

No. No new guys.

New is always better than old.

Of course you'd say that.

I bet the longest relationship
you've ever had is with that sandwich.

♪ What's it like for you
to fall asleep with all your thoughts?

♪ Do you wake up blue?
Do you just sleep it off? ♪

That's pretty.
I know.

Are you really
gonna let us look good at your wedding?

No. That's Mom's dress.
Those are the bridesmaids' dresses.

Sorry. Mom picked them out,

and I'm trying
to keep her happy

because I invited
Dad to the wedding.

Have you told Mom?

No, not yet.

Oh, wow!

I think this is it, right?

It's beautiful.

Perfect.
I love it.

That is a lot of poof.

The poof is what
I like about it.

But don't you want to have
wedding night sex with your dress still on?

I don't know. Do I?

Yeah, naughty bride,
you do.

I'm just concerned
that with all those layers

he's not gonna be
able to find your vagina.

Good point.

I mean, forget about 69.

She's not gonna 69.

Why not?

Because she's a grown-up.

Sixty-nines are
for when you're 17

and you're trying
to cram everything in at once

before your parents
get home.

Thank you.

Matt is always
trying to do that,

and I say,
"Let's just take turns.

"What's the rush?"

Oh, my God.
He found Dave Hansen.

Wait. Are you tracking down
all your ex-boyfriends

so you don't
have to go over 20?

What?
Think about it.

If it works out
with one of these guys,

that means a whole
period of my life won't have been a waste.

Yeah, but it didn't work out
with any of those guys

because they were
all wrong for you.

Dave Hansen. Isn't that
the magician you dated?

I believe this is yours.

I believe these are yours.

Wow! You work fast!

This one was easy.
He has his own website,

supersexymagic.com.

Well, I'm sure I'll
be able to find him.

So, you can scoot
and skedaddle.

And miss the show?

Okay.

Nope, I'm done here.

That's it?

Why? Because
he's a bartender?

No, because he's
still a bartender.

He's exactly where
he was nine years ago,

an out-of-work magician
who sleeps till noon, bartends till 3:00,

and goes around
pulling money out of people.

He keeps your quarter,
by the way.

So what?
You could have had some fun for old times' sake.

No. You know,
even if it didn't raise my number,

I can't afford to
waste any more time on guys like him.

Wait, wait, wait.
That's what this is about?

You don't want to
raise your number!

That's why you
won't sleep with me.

No, there's a lot of reasons
why I won't sleep with you.

No, there's not.

I don't know why
girls care so much about their number anyway.

You guys all
have this ideal girl in your minds

and if our number
gets too high, we can't be that girl.

The ideal girl.
Tell me about her.

You know,
you can take her home to the family,

she's smart,
but not smarter than you,

and she bakes apple pies
with your mom

and plays catch
with your handicapped sister,

but then when you're alone,
she's takes off her glasses

and puts on a vinyl cat suit
and fucks you sideways!

That girl doesn't exist.
If she did, I'd be sleeping with her.

And what kind of guy
cares about

how many people you've
slept with anyway?

Decent guys.

Hey! What are you doing?

Waiting for

Amy to leave.

You hooked up with
someone last night after I left you?

Hooking up sounds so crass.

We shared
a romantic experience.

And then I told her
I had an early dentist appointment,

and I'm hiding on your
couch till she leaves.

Well, maybe you
could use this downtime to do some actual work.

I am working. I set up
a Facebook account for you.

I don't want
to be on Facebook. What picture did you use?

The one I just took
of you sleeping.

I think this is
gonna be better.

While you're looking for them,
they can be looking for you.

Fine, but I refuse to tweet.

Ooh!

Number 14, Evan Slater,
has friend-requested you.

He's tagged you in a photo

and he's suggested
you become a fan of Tito's Tacos.

Ooh. I liked Evan.

Yeah, and who
doesn't like tacos?

He's adorable.

And so are his wife and kids.

Well, he clearly
doesn't understand what Facebook is for.

You know, if you don't start
taking this job more seriously,

you're fired from
using my apartment.

Where's my coffee pot?

I broke it.

If you were on Twitter,
you'd know that already.

You owe me $19.95.

How about I pay you back
in Chinese food?

I ordered Charlie Chiang.

Did you get
the itty-bitty spare ribs?

Okay, I'll be there
in five minutes.

Hey.

Hey, come on in.

Wow.
Yeah.

Dad didn't take me
to too many ball games,

but we did go on
a lot of stakeouts.

It's impressive.

COLIN: Okay, so Mike Miller
and Eric Hamilton are married.

So is Valerio,
the guy from Italy.

Ew.
Plum sauce?

Yes, please, but no mustard.

No mustard?
Mustard's the best part.

Not if you hate mustard.

Anything on
Jake Adams yet?

No. I'm sorry.

I told you,
rich people are very good at protecting their privacy,

but just be patient,
we'll find him.

What about Simon Forester?

He's separated
and his house just went on the market,

so I'm guessing a divorce
is right around the corner.

Huh. Okay.
Let's try Simon.

Simon.

Okay, so what's my plan?
Guy getting a divorce.

Divorce...

I could find out
who his lawyer is

and get a job there
as his assistant.

Or we keep it simple
and you just go look at his open house.

Huh.

The challenge with
a newly divorced guy

is that he's just
looking to have fun.

What you got to do
is give him the best sex of his life.

He can't realize that he's
falling in love with you until it's too late.

So, I'm covering up the fact
that I'm marriage material with amazing sex?

Yeah. How's your blowjob?

What?

Relax. This is business.
I'm trying to help you.

Well, if you must know,
it's pretty good.

It's the hand job
I haven't quite figured out yet.

Well, I guarantee you
he has, so skip it.

All right,
I guess this is it.

Ready?
Yeah.

This is nice.
Simon's doing well.

I wonder where
the realtor is.

Hello?

Is that...

What the...

Donald!
Ally!

What the fuck are
you doing in my home?

Uh...

The door was open,
so I just assumed this was the open house.

No. No. This is my house.
You're in my home.

Oh, well...

My fiance, Pierre, and I
are looking to buy a place

when he gets back
from the North Pole.

Hey, Ally, can I go ahead
and get that picture back from you?

Oh, I'm sorry.
Oops.

That was Disgusting Donald.

He didn't look disgusting.

He was disgusting
when I dated him, okay?

Oh, my God,
there's Simon.

He looks good for a guy
going through a divorce.

Before you take my order,

I do feel compelled to explain
why a single, straight man

is having high tea by himself
on Beacon Hill.

Well, um,

I'm just so homesick
that I'd kill for anything English.

Okay, so go.
I can take it from here.

Don't shove me.
Get out of here.

Don't shove me.

Get out of here!
Hey! I said don't shove me!

Ally Darling?

Is that you?

Simon, I can't believe it.

What are the chances?

It's brilliant to see you.

It is brilliant.

Simon,
this is my neighbor, Colin. But he has to go now.

No, I don't.

Pleasure.
No, no, the pleasure's all mine.

Wow.

Wow. It's great to see...

Did you look this good
when we were dating?

Oh, well,
I had a fringe back then.

That's bangs.
"Fringe" is "bangs."

Americans.

Listen, they're
showing my house,

so I've got to disappear
for an hour or so,

but do you fancy
grabbing a pint?

Smashing.

Cheerio, Colin.

How are you fancying
driving on the right?

Cross Simon off the list.

What happened?

My British accent
was a little rusty, and halfway through darts

I started sounding
like Eliza Doolittle.

Don't take your eye
off the board.

No. Straight.
Just... Higher. Better.

Bloody 'ell! I'm rubbish at this.

You were saying
you got sacked.

Yep. Losing me job
wasn't the end of the world.

Still got me mates
and a roof over me 'ead.

I don't need much,
just a room somewhere,

far away from
the cold night air.

And then when I tried
to pull out of it,

for some reason I panicked
and went full Borat.

So, I order another round?

No. No, I think we
better call it a night.

Oh, no! I talk whole time.
I know nothing about you.

So, what's next for Svorgon?

Svorgon?

I turned into the Swedish Chef
from The Muppets.

He was my favorite.

Okay.
Who else we got?

I thought we weren't
allowed up here.

Didn't you get that memo?

I wrote that memo.

It was getting
kind of crowded,

and my band and I
practice up here.

Where does
your band play?

Here, for now.

My mom's friend is
looking for a band for her son's bar mitzvah.

No, thank you.
We're not that kind of band.

The kind that makes money?

Let's drop it.

We got 10 possibilities left.

Jay from Club Med Turkoise.
I'm trying, but I need more info.

I'm sorry,
it was spring break.

Jay may not even
be his real name.

I'm certainly not
Kelli with an "I."

Barrett Ingold,
lives in Miami.

I know it's not
geographically desirable, but he is a doctor now.

Don't care. I hate Miami.

I think too much sun
makes people stupid.

Okay. How do you feel
about Denver?

I found the mountain man,

and that guy
has got a caboose worth relocating for.

Pass! He always wanted
to breathe fresh air.

Do you know how
exhausting it was

to pretend to
enjoy the outdoors

with that kind of enthusiasm?

More exhausting
than pretending to be British?

I never had to wipe
myself with a leaf

when I was pretending
to be British.

Touche.
What about Gerry Perry?

He's a puppeteer,
so he's single.

I don't want to go out
with Gerry Perry.

Where's Jake Adams?

In Noyaradougou.

What? Where the hell's that?

Africa.

He runs his family's
philanthropic foundation

and he's overseeing
the construction of a school there.

Is he ever coming back?

Eventually. In the meantime,
I've got Gerry Perry.

No!

All right, so the puppet
show starts at 2:00, and I'll meet you at the park.

Okay.

Hey, Colin.

Yeah?

Thank you for
all your hard work, by the way.

I really appreciate it.

You do?

Because sometimes,
it's hard to tell.

Really?

Oh...

What are you doing?

Trying to end
the night with a bang.

You really can't
hang out with a girl

without sleeping
with her, can you?

Well, I can,
it's just not that much fun.

You're not on my list.

You could just
cross off the dead guy,

put my name on there.

GERRY AS PUPPET:
Who did the poop?

ALL: You did the poop!

Hey.
Hey.

Whose kid is this?

He's my nephew.

If I'd shown up
to the puppet show without a child,

it might be creepy.

Great. Huh.

Can you say hi,
Justin?

Arr!

He's a pirate.

GERRY AS PUPPET:
What are you talking about?

All right, you're up.

Great.

Come on.

Thanks, Gerry.

You're welcome.

Daisy home?

No.

So, when do you think
Daisy will be home?

Gerry?
Ally?

Oh, my God,
what are you doing here?

Hi. Oh,

you know, I'm just
babysitting for a friend.

Ah, cool.
So, you saw the magical show.

Yeah! Wow, the kids,
they just love it.

That's just because
I say "poop" a lot.

Hey, so,

recognize this bad boy?

Hey there, Smart Alec.

Hi.

So, how are you?

Quit being a pussy,
and ask her about Daisy.

What? Come on, man,
don't be rude.

You are rude.
Sorry about that.

That's okay. Uh...
I'm great.

Great, great.
Well, you look great.

Not as great as Daisy.

Ignore him.

Hey, but seriously,

maybe we should
exchange numbers, you know, and catch up.

You know what?
I think I'm all caught up.

Cool!

But it was really great
running into you.

Great running into you.

No, it wasn't.

Big mouth.

Okay, I'll see you around.

Hey, Daisy.

Hey.

Daisy...

I can't believe
I slept with that guy.

Where's Justin?

This is Justin.

That's not Justin.

What's the matter with you?

Didn't your mom teach you
to not walk off with strangers?

What's the matter
with you?

You didn't realize you had
a completely different human being?

Justin!

Okay. What does
your mommy look like?

Like you.

Lucas! Get back here!

Wait. Wait.

Do you really think
I look like your mommy? Huh?

Answer me!

Answer me, Lucas!

Lucas!

No disappearing acts,
buddy.

Okay, I am not
buying you any more food until you find Jake Adams.

If he was so perfect,
why didn't it work out in the first place?

Well, we made this pact
that we would lose our virginity to each other,

but Jake went abroad
junior year, and while he was gone,

I broke the pact.

With who?

Which one of the 20
could have possibly been better than Jake Adams?

And why aren't
we looking for him?

You already found him.

Gerry Perry?

You lost your virginity
to the puppeteer?

I know. I felt bad for him.

Oh, Ally,
I underestimated you. That's amazing.

That's... That's my
new favorite thing about you.

Hi. Thank you.

Hey.
Hi.

Is Eddie coming?

No. Mom. Don't go.

I can't have lunch with Mom.
I didn't wash my hair.

You can't even tell.
It looks great.

You haven't told Mom
Dad's coming to the wedding, have you?

No.

And that's why I'm here.

Yes.

And my hair
doesn't look that great?

No. I can't tell her alone.

Fine. Pass the butter.

(HUMMING THE WEDDING MARCH)
Hi, Mummy.

Hi, Mom.

Kitty. Oh, my.

So, the caterer called.

Um, how strict a vegetarian
is your boyfriend Rick, honey?

Would he be willing to eat
just a little chicken for one night?

No, Rick's not coming.
They broke up.

Daisy!
What? Not again.

Dad's coming to the wedding.
What?

Ally!

How could you do this to me?

I'm not doing
anything to you, Mom.

Except making it impossible
for me to come.

You're not gonna
come to my wedding?

Not if your
father's coming, I'm not.

Maybe he can be
Allison's date. Hmm?

I'm sure you will just have
a lovely, lovely time.

Bye, Mom. Bye.
Bye, Mom.

You have to fix this.

I'll talk to her
when I get back.

Where are you going?

Miami, for a Pap smear.

Why?

Do you remember
Barrett Ingold?

The guy who threw up
in our dishwasher?

Yeah.
He's a gynecologist now.

But you hate Miami.

I know. But I'm not having
as much luck as I'd hoped locally

and I'm running out of time,
money, and viable eggs.

So, you're telling me
that tracking down your ex-boyfriends

is more important
than helping me plan my wedding?

I know it
sounds stupid to you, but it is important.

I feel like everyone else
is moving on with their lives but me.

Ally, I'm all for
moving on, I really am,

but it just feels like
this quest you're on is a little nuts.

You know what?

If you hadn't given
your ex-boyfriend a second chance,

you wouldn't even
be having a wedding.

Besides, I need a Pap smear
and he takes my insurance.

I'm late for my spray tan.

Hello, Allison.

Barrett?

Oh, my God, is that you?

Hi.

It's Ally. Ally Darling.

Oh. Yeah, from spinning.

No.

From...
Oh, Greg's birthday party.

We went to college together.

We dated.
Oh.

How about that?

Well, that was
a long time ago.

So, let's see how
things are going now. Can you scooch?

Very good.

Ally! Of course.

He recognized my vagina!

What's going on down there?
I got to say, I'm a little freaked out.

Well, I'd be happy to
take a look for you.

I used
all my miles for that!

Cross Barrett off the list!

You know what?
Cross the list off the list!

What am I doing?

Unemployed,
spending every last dime

trying to track down
these assholes

who already broke up
with me once.

Maybe I should just quit.

Well, that's too bad,
'cause I found Tom Piper.

Keep talking.

He's in D.C.,
like you said.

He's working as an aide
for Senator Mitchell.

I don't have anything
a politician's wife would wear.

Ooh!

I do have a store credit
for Ann Taylor. Ha!

Hi.

DAISY: I'm on your street
and I have to poo.

Okay, let yourself in,
I'll be home in 10 minutes.

Hi.

Hey.

Oh, Jesus.

Tell me you're not
naked on my couch next to my sister.

Thankfully,
he doesn't like to play without his underwear.

The guitar gets cold
against his penis.

So, you two have met.

Hey, remember Tom Piper?

Colin found him in D.C.,
so I'm going there tomorrow,

wearing this!

I'm so excited.

Then why would
you wear a pantsuit?

Don't you have your interview
at Sheffield and Bloom tomorrow?

That's the beauty of
a pantsuit, you know.

It works for both
a super-boring interview

and for an accidental,
on-purpose encounter with my future husband.

Hey, did you ever try and sell
those freaky little sculptures you make?

No, she needs
a real job.

Oh, yeah,
those are just a hobby.

COLIN: I think
they're amazing.

You should try.
Not everyone can do that, you know.

Excuse me,
would you mind giving me and Ally

a little bit of privacy,
please?

She has to poo.

Ally!

Hey, hasn't your
lady friend left yet?

No, I guess this one's
a late sleeper.

Wait. Are you...

Is he hiding out here
because there's a woman in his apartment?

He is.

That's it. I'm going
to Anthony's Bakery. Excuse me.

Do you want to
grab me a cannoli? No?

Okay. Keys.

Who the hell are you?

Andrea.

He didn't tell you
he was engaged?

No. I am so sorry.

When I told him I was engaged,
he didn't say anything.

Why?

Tits!

Oh. Oh.

Oh. Why? Why?

Hey, wouldn't it be easier

if you just spent the night
at their apartments

and left in the morning,
like a normal guy?

No.

I once stayed in
a relationship with a girl

because of a picture she had
on her bedside table.

It was her
dressed as Cinderella on her fifth birthday.

Grab that.

So?

So, every time I tried
to split with her,

I'd picture that little
girl in the blue dress.

Happy. Excited about Monty,
her new gerbil,

who she would later kill
by accidentally putting him in the dryer.

Just couldn't break
that little girl's heart.

So you're saying
it's easier to sleep with girls

and never call them again

if you don't know
anything about them?

Kind of like a serial killer.

Yeah, I guess so.

Hmm.

COLIN ON PHONE:
Hey, so I talked to Piper's assistant.

He said he's gonna
be doing research

in the library of
the Adams Building

for the rest of the day.

Oh, wait. Hold on.
My leg fell asleep on the train.

Pins and needles.
Pins and needles.

Punch it.

Really?

I'm punching.

What? Your leg's
never fallen asleep before?

What's that sound?

Nothing.

Hey, I didn't know
you were such a big fan of Lionel Richie.

You know, looking at
somebody's playlist is like reading their diary.

That's my bathtub.

Donald.

Ally...
What are you doing here?

Visiting my fiance.

Your fiance who was
at the North Pole?

Yep.

He's back. Pierre is back.

Wow. Pierre just happens
to be in Washington, D.C.,

the same time that
I have a conference?

Yep. He's meeting
with the President.

Oh. What a coincidence.

I know.
It's crazy, isn't it?

Yeah, it is.

That's exactly what it is.

Okay.

Do you like freedom?

Sign here for freedom.

Be on our mailing list
for George Bush.

George W. Bush.
Vote George Bush.

Get on our mailing list.

Vote for freedom.

No, no, no. It's taken.

It's taken.

Okay, excuse me.

I'm just wondering

if you could help me
move the table about three feet this way?

I just...
I like it better over there.

Great, keep going just a little further.

Go, team.
That's fantastic work. Thank you. Almost.

Almost.
Almost there. Okay.

Okay, okay, okay. Okay.

Ally Darling.

Tom?

Shh!

Oh, my God!
He's taking me to this party tonight.

I offered to stay
at the Best Western,

but he insisted
on putting me up at the Omni.

COLIN: He dropped you
off at the hotel

and didn't come up
for "it's good to see you" sex?

What'd you do to turn him off?

Nothing. He's a gentleman.

You wore that pantsuit,
didn't you?

That pantsuit is sexy.
It's very Katharine Hepburn.

All right. Let's clear
something up right now.

Katharine Hepburn
was not sexy. Audrey Hepburn was sexy.

Katharine Hepburn was a dude.

Well, Tom is just a good guy.

Besides,
you wouldn't know a gentleman if he tiptoed up behind you

and tickled your balls.

Hello. Thank you.

I just got a present.

Oh!

He just sent over
the most beautiful dress I've ever seen!

I feel like Cinderella.

Careful, if you're
not home by midnight, it might turn into a pantsuit.

Wow!

Look at you.

You don't...
You don't think it's a little small?

I'm sorry.

It was hard to tell
what was going on underneath the pantsuit.

Perfect. You ready?

Okay.
You all right?

Excuse me.

All right.

Ready? All right.
Ready.

♪ I feel lucky
I feel free

♪ I feel everything's
a possibility ♪

I can't believe
Senator Phillips and his wife

were talking to us for,
like, 15 minutes. I know!

He didn't even know my name
before tonight.

Now he wants to hear my ideas
about the tobacco reform bill.

And she wants to
take me out to lunch. Some place with popovers!

We make a great team.

With you by my side,
we could own this town.

We could totally own it.

I mean it, Ally.

Look, I have my eyes
on a Senate seat, and then the presidency.

Now, if tonight
is any indication,

I think together
we could go all the way.

Let's do it!

So, we're doing it?

Yeah!

What are we doing?

We're getting married!

Oh.
Yeah!

Well,

maybe we should kiss first
and see how that goes.

A kiss? No.

I want you to be my beard.
I'm gay.

What?

Gay. Like super gay.

Like, one down here, one here,
one here, one here, gay.

I thought you knew that.

America's ready for
a black President.

They're not ready for
a gay black President.

And we have history, Ally.

I mean, I wouldn't
have known I was gay if I hadn't dated you.

So, what do you say?

Can I get back to you?

Hey, Bandit.

Wait, wait, wait. Don't move.
Stay right there.

What are you doing here?

I'm not depressed enough
to sleep with you.

Close your eyes.

That won't help.

And

open them.

What do you think?

My wiring's a little spotty.

Every time these go on,
your bathroom light burns out,

but I think it's worth it.

What did you do?

I think it really
brings out the detail, you know?

I never noticed
Louie's gold tooth before.

I named him Louie,
by the way.

I can't believe it.

This is amazing.

Yeah. Well,
you sounded depressed on the phone, so...

You hungry?

I'm starving!

So, I got good news.
I found Julie from college.

She is a man now,
and she's single.

She's cute.
Looks like Ralph Macchio.

You know what?

Even if he were straight,
it wouldn't have worked anyway.

You got to be a lady
to be the First Lady, and I ain't no lady.

You're a lady.
You're lots of lady.

You're once, twice,
20 times a lady.

Okay. Okay.

♪ You're once, twice

♪ Three times a lady

♪ I love you

♪ Yeah, you're once, twice

♪ Three times a lady

♪ I love you ♪

Thank you. Thank you.

Whoa.

Oh, shit.

I either need to
lie down or throw up.

You okay?

Yeah. No.

I have to go to
my sister's wedding alone.

I'll go with you.

You'd do that?

Yeah. Why not?

Thanks.
I really appreciate that.

I still think
I'm gonna throw up.

Let's get some air.

What are we doing?

Just because it's dark
doesn't mean you have to whisper.

Are we in the Garden?

Yep.

This has got
to be illegal.

Yeah, probably.
I worked here one summer.

I passed out programs

and I managed
to swipe a passkey before I got fired.

You got fired?

Yeah. There was an incident
with the mascot.

What happened?

I may or may not have pissed
in his pot of gold.

Ever played H.O.R.S.E.
in the Garden?

No.

But I have played H.O.R.S.E.

Okay, okay.

Okay.

Oh! No!

"H" for you, my friend.
What are you doing?

We're playing strip H.O.R.S.E.
Is there another kind?

There's the kind
where you keep your clothes on.

What's fun about that? All right. "H."

Backboard.

Uh-huh.

Okay. Okay.

Oh, my God!

Nope.

Yeah!

Panty time!

Come on!

That was close.
That's an "H."

This is not fair.

I miss one shot,
and I'm almost totally naked.

Well, that's the game.

Well, the game is changing.

It's now one-on-one.

This way. Let's go, baby.

Come get it.

Okay. Let's go.

♪ Here we go, here we go
Satellite radio

♪ Y'all getting hit
with boom boom

♪ Beats so big
I'm stepping on leprechauns

♪ Shittin' on y'all
with the boom boom

♪ Shittin' on y'all
with the boom boom

♪ Shittin' on
y'all with the... ♪

ALLY: Oh, my God.

I can't believe it.

I think that dress
is gonna look good on him.

It's a good thing
you play the guitar,

because you suck
at basketball.

Well, you can't be
good at everything. It just wouldn't be fair.

And I can't believe
that you can play Lionel Richie!

I can play a lot of things.

So, how come you
don't make a living at it? You're really good.

Ah, I want
to play my own music.

Don't you worry
about paying the rent?

I don't love marketing, but...

What do you love?

I love making those
freaky little sculptures,

but I'm not gonna
make any money at that.

How do you know?
You've never tried.

I've never jumped
into the harbor, either.

Doesn't mean that
it's a good idea.

I think it's a great idea.

I think it's the best idea
you've ever had.

No.
Yes.

No.
Yes!

No.
Yes!

We are gonna jump in the harbor!

No. No. No. No.
Let's go.

God! No!

Let's do it!

Holy fuck,
this is fucking cold!

This is the worst idea
you've ever had!

I can't believe you
finally got me naked.

Well, my shirt
does look good on you.

Good, 'cause I'm keeping it.

No, you're not.
I can't afford to lose any more shirts.

Women are always
stealing my shirts.

Women aren't always
stealing your shirts.

They're borrowing them,
fully intending to give them back,

but you never call.

So, you're saying
that if I have fewer one-night stands,

I'll have more shirts?

I think so.

Well, then, that settles it.

I'm changing my ways,

and I'm not gonna
lose any more shirts.

Really?

Really.

In fact, I think I'm gonna
take this one back right now.

Good for you.

Wait.

It's okay, I have one.

No.

I have to slow down.

Okay. Okay, that's fine.

What if I just put
it in a little bit? It won't even count.

Eileen says it counts.

What about, like, that much?
That's nothing.

You won't even feel it.

Okay. I understand.
That's fine.

But I am gonna
keep kissing you.

Hi.

Hi.

You look so beautiful
in the morning.

I do?
Yeah.

How's this for
a slice of awesome?

Mexican wrestling
on pay-per-view all day.

I will run to the store

and get eggs and salsa
for huevos rancheros,

you stay here and
whip up margaritas. Sound good?

Shit! I can't! Oh, my God!

Cereal?

No! I'm meeting Daisy.

I'm already late.
She hates it when I'm late. Oh, no.

Whoo!

I can't believe
Eddie didn't want to pick out these place cards.

Oh, no, no, no. He has
terrible taste in fonts.

Have you convinced Mom
to come to the wedding yet?

No, and I don't have to,

because you are gonna
talk Dad out of coming.

I am?
Let's face it.

Dad's only coming because
he thinks that he has to.

So, why not just
let him off the hook and make everybody happy?

It's not a bad idea.

Oh, great! You guys can
cast the final vote. We've narrowed it down.

To this one,
or this nearly identical one.

Monotype Corsiva.

How do you know that?
I'm married.

EILEEN: Okay, are we done?
Because we want to hear about D.C.

Did you go to
the Holocaust Museum?

No, but that would
have been more fun.

So, there were
no sparks with Tom?

Tom? What happened to Jake?
I thought you were looking for Jake.

Jake's in Africa
and Tom's gay, but it's okay,

because Colin is gonna be
my date for the wedding.

Is that the guy
who answered your cell phone

and got mad at me
for waking him up at 2:00 in the afternoon?

Yeah. I took
his phone by mistake.

You invited Colin?
Your rapey neighbor?

Do we call him that?

Just behind your back.

Okay. Well, let's stop
because he's actually a pretty good guy.

DAISY: Oh, Ally.

What?

You slept with him!

Oh, no!

I did not. I didn't.

EILEEN: Good. Don't.

Because he's not
the kind of guy you end up with.

He's the kind of guy you date
before the guy you end up with.

How do you know?
You haven't even met him.

I don't have to meet him.
I've had sex with him.

Except his name is Doug,
and he's a fucking liar!

Well, I have met him,
and he is dangerously sexy.

And if he wanted to come in
through the back door, you'd let him.

Don't let him, Ally.

You guys don't need to worry.

I'm not going to
let him in any door.

He's just a friend
who's doing me a favor.

COLIN: Honey, I'm home.

So, I TiVo-ed
Mexican wrestling for you and I cooked.

They're supposed
to be taquitos, they look like cannolis,

but they kind of taste
like egg rolls.

What are you doing?
Are you working on the diner? All right.

Don't let me bug you.

Hey, so,
just out of curiosity,

did you ever hear
anything from Jake?

Nope.

Really?
Not a phone call? Nothing?

Nope.

Okay, well,

I'm kind of busy right now,
so I guess I'll just see you later.

Shit! Ally, wait.

Wait, wait.
Just go.

I don't want to
hear any more lies.

All right, yes.
Jake is back in town

and I do have his number,
but I didn't think that mattered now.

Would you please just go?

What about last night?

I think we should just forget
about last night.

Because of Jake?
No.

Because you're
not the kind of guy I'm supposed to end up with.

What kind of guy am I, Ally?

You're the kind
of guy you date

before you meet
the guy you end up with,

and I've already
dated 20 of you.

So, you're gonna try
and make it work with Jake,

a guy you haven't
seen in years,

just so you don't go
over the number 20?

It's not just
about a number anymore, okay?

Well, then what is it?

It's what I want!

You don't know
what you want, Ally.

You're so busy trying to be
what everyone else wants you to be,

you don't know who you are.

At least I have
relationships.

You can't even
hang out with a woman for 24 hours

without sleeping with her.

That was true until I met you.

Well, I'm sure that
if we had slept together, you'd be long gone by now,

because that's
who you are, Colin,

and that's who
you'll always be.

All right.
Whatever you say, Ally.

You obviously have
it all figured out.

And I do know who I am!

I'm someone who's
not gonna let

another undeserving
asshole into my heart!

Or my vagina!

MALE TENANT: Shut the fuck up!

Stop fucking your dog!

Hi, Jake Adams, it's Ally.

Ally Darling from high school.
Go, Vikings.

Um...

I came across your number,

and I thought, "Wow,
I should really call Jake

"and leave him a long,
rambling message on his voice mail."

Anyway,
if you're feeling up to it,

you can give me
a call anytime.

My number is 617-55...

Oh, my God, I just hiccupped.
I'm sorry.

617-55...

All right. Okay...

My number is 617-555-0192.
Okay, bye.

Well, who doesn't
call that girl back?

Not again.

Who's the surprise
guest this time?

I was supposed to
have lunch with Dad

to tell him that he
didn't have to come to the wedding,

but then he said he was
gonna bring his girlfriend.

Jacinda?
Yeah.

And I just couldn't
have that conversation with him in front of her.

So, I just thought, you know,
we could do it together.

I am never meeting you
for another meal ever again.

You don't mean that.

Ally, I didn't
know you were coming. What a nice surprise.

Hi.
I'm Daisy.

Got all my girls here.
I see that you've got one of these, too.

I got a couple
for the two of us, so we can text and tweet.

You should
follow me on Twitter, "VeryTerry3."

Or we could just
talk right now.

LOL.

He is so excited
about your wedding. It's all he can text about.

I can't wait for everyone
to meet my lady.

Oh, you're coming
to the wedding, too?

That's great. That's so great.

Ally, isn't that so great?

It's great.
It's so great.

Oh!

Excuse me for a second.

Don't go.

We are just fine.

Hold up. Ashton is
getting his car washed.

Nuh-uh.
Lookit.

♪ I am a human rocket

♪ On a mission of deployment

♪ I've been cocked and loaded

♪ Ready for the culmination

♪ I am a human missile

♪ Guided by a secret agenda

♪ That commands
my every thoughts and deeds

♪ And wills me on my way

♪ I am a human rocket

♪ On a mission of redemption

♪ I've been cocked and loaded

♪ Primed by everything I know

♪ I am a human missile

♪ Guided by a secret voice

♪ That commands
my every thoughts and deeds

♪ And wills me
on my righteous way ♪

JAKE: All right. Great.

Ally.

Jake.

My brothers actually
went more into the business side of things,

and when my dad asked me
to run the foundation,

it was sort of
more of a natural fit for me, you know?

I've always been better
at giving away money versus making it.

I'm rambling.
I can hear myself totally rambling.

No. No, no, not at all.
I am. I am.

I've been doing it all day.
Kind of, but it's interesting.

Hey, what do...
I mean, what about you?

Last I heard you were
in marketing, right?

Yeah. I'm actually
in between jobs right now.

Well, listen, say the word.

I mean,
I can get you an interview over at Adams in two seconds.

Oh, thank you.

But you know what?
I'm actually...

I'm thinking
about making a change.

A change? Oh, yeah?
What would you do?

I make these clay sculptures.

They're sort of
these freaky little urban scenes.

They're kind of
hard to explain. I'd really have to show you.

I'd love to see them.

Really?

They're in my shower.

Then I guess we're done here.

See. This is where they dry.

Wow. They really
are in your shower.

Yep.

ALLY: Did I tell you
that he speaks four different languages,

but he's so not
obnoxious about it?

And he's still so
goddamn handsome, and he smells so fucking good.

It's crazy.

He's taking me to a gala
at the Institute of Contemporary Art,

and then I think
we're going to go...

Whoa.
That's not your dress.

Yeah. Yeah, I know, I just...

Yeah,
I just like this one better, 'cause there's just...

You know,
it's more comfortable. There's just more room to...

To eat and to move, and to...
To dance.

Okay.

I couldn't breathe
in my other dress!

A bride should
be able to breathe in her own fucking dress!

Sorry, I just am feeling
really stressed out right now

because I don't know how
I'm going to convince Mom

to come to my wedding,

because our dad
is bringing our new mommy,

and she's not...
Stop.

I will go with you
to talk to Mom,

and you don't even
have to trick me. Okay?

Now, are you sure
you can breathe in this dress?

Okay, then do that.

ALLY: It's really not
gonna be that bad.

We're gonna loosen her up.
We're gonna ease into it.

It's gonna be great.

If you say so.

Mom?

I don't believe you!

When were you planning
to tell me about all this?

Hmm?

Uh... Now?

That's why we're here, Mom.

I have to read
about it in a magazine?

You and Jake Adams.

Are you an item?

Yes?

Did you just squeal, Mom?

I don't know.
I'm out of my body right now.

Is it serious?

It could be,
but we're taking it slow.

Do you really
have that luxury?

I want to make sure
that it's right.

Oh, it doesn't get
any more right than Jake Adams.

This is your life, Ally,
don't get creative.

When I saw you two
in that magazine,

I went and found
some old photographs.

Just look at this.

I knew
he was the one.

Aw.

Tell me, Ally,
is he gonna be your date to the wedding?

Is he, Ally?

Yes.

Oh!

Oh, I got to get
the seating chart.

So, you're still
gonna come to the wedding,

even though Dad's
gonna be there, too?

Of course, darling.

My baby only
gets married once.

Right?

I am so proud of my girls.

Seating chart. Seating chart.

Where's the little
seating chart?

Do we tell her
about Jacinda?

No. I think we quit
while we're ahead.

Bye, Mom.
Bye, Mom.

What?

♪ ...and get you drunk

♪ So I can have
my wicked way with you

♪ I'm just being honest

♪ 'Cause I know
the other guys are thinking just the same way too

I really love
Japan.

Really?

Are those
mini cheeseburgers? Yes, they are.

May I? Thank you.

You didn't want one?

No, I'm okay. Thank you.

Mmm. These are excellent
mini cheeseburgers.

Thank you. Thank you.
Thank you.

♪ Show me some skin
I might bite it

♪ I wanna have
my wicked way with you

♪ So I'm not gonna come over
and meet your mom and dad

♪ They know that I was bad

♪ I'm just thinking
of three hours or more

♪ So I can have
my wicked way with you

♪ My wicked way with you ♪

Colin, hi.

Hi.

Fancy meeting you here,
dressed all fancy.

Where you off to?

A wedding.

You, too, right?
Today's Daisy's big day.

Yeah.

Wow. You're going
to a wedding, too. That's weird.

Whose wedding?

Nobody you know.

Oh.

Is it like
a date or something? Are you seeing somebody?

Don't worry about it, Ally.

Don't drink
too much champagne.

Hey, is my hair
too high?

Oh, no, honey.
It's perfect.

JAMIE: Is it going on?

The dress doesn't fit.

Okay.
Why isn't it zipped?

Can I get some help here?

Where's my
Croissan'Wich?

Did somebody eat
my Croissan'Wich?

No, honey. Nobody did.
You just relax, okay?

Katie, Jamie,
find Daisy's Croissan'Wich.

Okay. On it.
Got it. Okay.

Okay, listen,

I don't want
anyone to panic but...

What's happening?

The harpist isn't coming.

I had a harpist?

She broke her finger
during the philharmonic softball league playoffs,

and given that this is
one of the busiest wedding weekends of the year,

all the other
harpists are booked.

Oh, Christ.
Why is this happening to me?

KEVIN: I got a list
of all the other weddings happening in the city

and found a replacement
who can be here

as soon as her
first wedding is over.

And if she doesn't show,
I play the horn.

Now let's get this
girl married, huh?

Daise, I got it.

OFFICIANT:
Please rise for the bride.

We are gathered here today
to celebrate the union

of Daisy Ann Darling
and Edward Michael Vogel.

Getting to know
Daisy and Eddie has reinforced my belief that,

while love is universal,

every couple is unique.

Daisy Darling,
today I make these vows to you.

I will never rhyme
"crazy" with "Daisy,"

even if I mean,
like, "crazy good."

I will not blow my nose
in the shower.

I promise to
always consult you before getting a haircut

and to never grow
a moustache.

Or a soul patch.
No.

I will not blame you
for the bad decisions you make in my dreams.

I will keep an eye
on that suspicious freckle on your back,

even though I'm
really sure it's nothing.

And I will not get mad at you
about everything

when I'm only
really mad at you about one thing.

OFFICIANT:
By the power vested in me,

I am happy to pronounce you
husband and wife.

You may kiss the bride.

♪ I'm holding a heart
here in my hand

♪ Hey, hey, hey

♪ My own work of art

♪ Here where I stand

♪ Hey, hey, hey ♪

♪ I can see clearly now
The rain is gone

♪ I can see all obstacles
in my way ♪

Quite a party.
Yeah, it sure is.

Hold on.
I have to tweet about this.

And hi there.

Your mom always did
have a great laugh.

I'm just glad she's happy.

Are you happy?

Yeah. Of course.

Your mom only wants
what's best for you, you know.

I know.

Unfortunately, she thinks
what's best for you

is being exactly like her,

only you're not, Ally.

You may have her looks,
but you have my rhythm, kid.

I'm afraid it's
a little offbeat.

I guess that explains
why she's always disappointed in me.

I think it's hard
for her to look at you and see so much of me.

♪ Thanks for the time

♪ That you've given me

Uh, may I?

Why not?

Thank you. Thank you, sir.

God, I'm sorry.
I just couldn't slow-dance with your mother.

No, that's okay.

I think the last time
we slow-danced was prom night.

Yeah. Yeah, it was.
I remember that.

I believe that
was also the night

where you finally
gave me the honor

of making you unfit
for every other man in the village.

Oh, boy.

♪ You're once, twice

♪ Three times a lady

I know this isn't
the ideal place to tell you, but I want to be honest.

You weren't my first.

I wasn't?

No, I'm sorry.

Well, so you've been
with two guys in your life. Big deal.

More like two times 10.

Right.
Like you've had sex with 20 guys. Yuck.

Gross.

Well, all right.
I may not have been your first,

but maybe I'll be your last.

Why? Are you gonna
rape and kill me?

No, but I'm gonna kiss you.

♪ With every beat

♪ Of my heart

♪ You're once

Come with me for a second.

♪ Twice

♪ Three times a lady

So, how does dinner in Milan
and breakfast in Paris sound?

Starchy.

I've got to do
a little traveling for the foundation,

and I'd love it
if you came with me.

Seriously?
Mmm-hmm.

For how long?

Six months.

I know it sounds
like a long time, but you're in-between jobs

and your little
sculpture things can wait.

And if you think
about it,

the only thing
that's keeping you in Boston is me,

and I'm leaving.

It's time.

Excuse me.

Thank you.

♪ And I love you ♪

Join me.

Hi, everyone.

ALL: Hi.

When Daisy and Eddie
first got together,

I have to admit I was
a little bit nervous.

I could tell
that it was serious,

and I thought that
the closer she got to him,

the further away
she'd get from me,

but that didn't happen.

Not only do I
see more of Daisy,

I see a happier,
even better Daisy.

It's like with Eddie she's

completely herself.

When you're a big sister,
it's your job

to teach your
little sister everything.

How to ride a bike,

how to lie to your parents.

How to kiss.

Not with tongue.
Settle down, Uncle Charlie.

But I never thought

about what my little sister
could teach me until right now.

So, I want to
thank you, Daisy.

Thank you for teaching me

that being in love
means being yourself.

To Daisy and Eddie!

You were great.
Can we talk?

Yeah. Absolutely.

ALL:
♪ That's the way, uh-huh, uh-huh

♪ I like it, uh-huh, uh-huh

♪ That's the way,
uh-huh, uh-huh

♪ I like it, uh-huh, uh-huh

♪ That's the way,
uh-huh, uh-huh ♪

Oh, shit.

What's going on?
Are you okay?

Jake, there
actually is something here in Boston

that's really
important to me.

And as much as I want
to travel the world,

I'm not sure I want
to do it with you.

Which is insane, I know,
because you're perfect.

But you're not perfect for me,

and I don't think
I'm perfect for you.

I'm so sorry, Jake.

If I had been honest
with myself earlier,

or ever,

I wouldn't have put
you through all this.

Yeah, well,
that would have been preferable.

Right. I don't think
I'm gonna stick around for the cake. Excuse me.

It's really good.

Okay.

Where's...
Where's Jake going?

Sir, champagne?

ALLY: He's leaving.

What? In the middle
of the reception? Why?

Because I never should have
brought him here in the first place.

You're gonna let him go?

Oh, Ally, I...
I don't understand you.

Ally, why?
Why are you doing this?

Honey, you were
finally happy.

No! You were finally happy.

I don't wanna
marry Jake Adams.

That's not who I am.
Oh, my...

I'm a jobless whore
who's slept with 20 guys,

and I want to be with somebody
who appreciates that about me.

You may not
understand me, Mom, but you don't have to.

All you have to do
is love me.

I know that I'm not perfect,
but that's why you have Daisy.

My dress is too tight
because I'm four months pregnant.

What?

What?

Oh!

You're pregnant?

Yes. Now get out of here.

Thank you.

Surprise!

I'm gonna be a grandmother.
I'm gonna be a grandmother.

All the drinks are
sitting here on your tray.

What is the matter with you?
Is this too difficult?

Kevin,
where's that list you had of all the other weddings

going on in the city today?
It's right here.

Okay, thank you.

Goddamn. Damn it!

Hi.

♪ Every time I think of you

♪ I feel shot right through
with a bolt of blue

♪ It's no problem of mine
But it's a problem I find

♪ Living a life
that I can't leave behind

♪ But there's no sense
in telling me

♪ The wisdom of the fool
won't set you free

♪ But that's the way
that it goes

♪ And it's what nobody knows

♪ Well, every day
my confusion grows

♪ Every time I see you falling

♪ I get down on my knees
and pray

♪ I'm waiting for
that final moment

Colin!

♪ I feel fine and I feel good

♪ I feel like I never should

♪ Whenever I get this way
I just don't know what to say

♪ Why can't we be ourselves
like we were yesterday?

♪ Every time I see you falling

♪ I get down on my knees
and pray

♪ I'm waiting for
that final moment

♪ You say the words
that I can't say ♪

Oh, come on!

Blessed be this union
and may it bear fruit.

Colin! Colin!

Blue car, keys are in it.

MAN: Get the fuck
out of the road!

Hey, watch it, lady.

Shut up, you asshole!

Sorry! I'm sorry!

I'm sorry!

Thank you.

You can help yourself
to some pepperoni.

Miss, your name?

Uh...

I...

I'm... I'm sorry.

COLIN: Hi, everyone.
Hope you're all having a good time tonight.

I know we are.

This next song
is a local band. Hope you enjoy it.

♪ I don't mind you
coming here

♪ And wasting all my time

♪ 'Cause when you're
standing oh, so near

♪ I kind of lose my mind

This is bullshit.

Why didn't I just wait for him
at his apartment?

♪ And wasting all my time

Fuck!

Fuck!

Fuck!
Fuck!

♪ I don't mind you hanging out

♪ And talking in your sleep

♪ It doesn't matter
where you've been

♪ As long as it was deep
Yeah

♪ Always need to wear it well

♪ You look so fancy,
I can tell

♪ I don't mind you hanging out

♪ And talking in your sleep

♪ I guess you're
just what I needed

♪ I needed someone to feed

♪ Someone to...

♪ I need to talk to you

♪ Right now

♪ I needed someone
to feed ♪

Cut. Cut. Cut. Cut.

Okay, everybody,
we're just gonna take a quick break.

Why don't we get
those toasts started?

So, papa bear,
come on up here.

MAN: Hello, everyone,
and thank you all for coming out tonight...

Fuckity fuck! Fuckity fuck! Fuckity fuck!

What are you
doing here, Ally?

I have a speech that
I wanna make to you,

but I was afraid that
I was gonna forget it.

So, I figured it would be
easier to drive, bike,

and run across town
in my high heels so I could tell you right now.

What's the speech?

Well, the gist of it was,

I'm sorry.

That's it?

No, wait, there's more.

I, um...

I'm happiest when
I'm being myself,

and I'm myself
when I'm with you.

That was it.

I guess I was just so afraid
that you were another asshole

that I became
the biggest asshole of all.

You weren't an asshole.
I was an asshole.

I should have given
you Jake's number, I just...

I didn't think
I could compete with that.

There's no contest.

You're the most
decent guy I've ever met.

I think I love you, 21.

I love you, too.

Three hundred and...
No!

JAY: Hey, Kelli,
Kelli with an "I." What's up?

It's Jay from
Club Med Turkoise.

I got a weird message
from your assistant,

and I just wanted
to let you know, we never had sex.

Uh, you did this
awkward striptease involving maracas,

and then gave me
a shitty hand job.

You claimed it was something
you like to do called "dry style,"

vomited in my suitcase,
and then you passed out in the shower.

So, yeah,
we never slept together.

You're number 20!
I'm still at 20!

I can't believe it!
You are number 20!

Yes!

♪ It will outlast everything
You think is set is stone

♪ It goes on and on
and on and on

♪ On and on and on and on

♪ Buzzing like neon lights

♪ Can you feel my love?

♪ Loud and clear
Pulls you near

♪ Can you feel my love?

♪ We got all the memories
So much more we can see

♪ Better than a first kiss
Snow falling at Christmas

♪ Like sleeping in on Sunday
Laughter we never faked

♪ Bob Marley in summer
One love for each other

♪ Oh, it feels like...

♪ Fireflies
Day and night

♪ Can you feel my love?

♪ Everyone is looking
for a special connection

♪ But it's like
your compass points a million directions

♪ Do you need me to buy you
a telescope so you can see

♪ How good this could be

♪ Buzzing like neon lights

♪ Can you feel my love?

♪ Loud and clear
Pulls you near

♪ Can you feel my love?

♪ We got all the memories
So much more we can see

♪ Better than a first kiss
Snow falling at Christmas

♪ Like sleeping in on Sunday
Laughter we never faked

♪ Bob Marley in summer
One love for each other

♪ Oh, it feels like...

♪ One love for each other ♪

English - US - Line 21