All language subtitles for Splitting Up Together 1x04 - Soups Jealous (English)

Previously on
"Splitting Up Together"...

I need passion and
romance and sex in my life,

and Martin just doesn't.

I bet you never
would have dreamed

you'd be eating street meat
and making out in a parking lot.

Yeah, well, we're not
exactly making out.

I wanna fix things with Lena.

Dude, when did this happen?

What if I had danced
with her at our wedding?

Maybe it would have changed the
entire course of our marriage.

I am so turned on right now.

_

_

_

Mae? I asked you to
put away your laundry.

May I finish this chapter?

And, Mason, it's your turn to
unload the dishwasher, remember?

Just a sec.

And, hey, what about you?

Did you put the toys away
in your room like I asked?

What is...

What are you doing?

What is... what is
going on? What are you...

Are you running out
the clock right now?

Are you stalling me

until Dad Week so you don't
have to do your chores?

If you could hear
how crazy you sound...

Mae?

- I plead the fifth.
- I plead the fifth, too,

because we're
doing what you said.

You suck at the fifth.

Okay. I get it.
I get the appeal.

Guess what. I'm in.

I'm leaving my chores
for Dad Week, too.

- She's bluffing.
- Is she?

You don't know her. She's
a changed woman. She's loco.

Okay, now you do sound crazy.

Why is your third-person
persona Hispanic?

No lo s�, mamacita.

What is going on in here?

Unclear.

Mom's trying to be fun.

Oh, Mom's pretty fun these days.

I'd ask what that means,
but I'm too fun to care.

And I'd pick up all this
clean laundry, but...

my week is over. Bye!

Text me if you need me.

Okay.

- Did you guys do your chores?
- Yep.

- Yep.
- I plead the fifth because we didn't.

How am I doing it wrong?

_

- Oh, you want some? Want some?
- Don't do it.

- Oh, you want some?!
- I'm leaving.

? Keep giving me hope
for a better day ?

? Keep giving me
love to find a way ?

? Through this heaviness
I feel, I just need ?

- ? Someone to say everything's okay ?
- Sync/Corrections PetaG - addic7ed.com -

? Everything's okay ?

- What do you think?
- Depends. Can he see?

And what's wrong with
you? You seem relaxed.

I'm just really
enjoying dating...

and really enjoying Wes.

You really enjoyed Wes?

I really enjoyed him in a car.

Oh, that must've been nice
after a two-year drought.

Ohh. Really nice.

And it wasn't just the sex.

It was feeling wanted,
feeling desired.

It gave me life.

- It gave you life? Wow.
- Yeah.

The only problem is Martin.

He just... He's been really
cranky with my lately.

Well, he can probably tell
that you've been "given life."

Well, what does he care?

He's in a full-blown relationship
with "Our Lady of Abs."

Oh, hey! How's it going
with Operation Fetus?

I did some research,

and if I want to
do it on my own,

I have to open an
account at the sperm bank.

Will they link it
to a free checking?

And then I have to sign a
semen-purchaser agreement.

- Come again?
- And pay for storage.

I thought we store it in you?

And then there's the
most important step...

choosing a donor.

But, you know, the good news is,

unlike dating, there
really is no rejection.

If you find a guy you like,

you can pretty much
just have his baby.

He's not gonna be telling you
he's joining the Peace Corps

and then you run into
him at Bed Bath & Beyond.

I want you to know, if you
decide to go through with this,

I am with you every
step of the way...

and in a pretty good outfit.

A really good outfit.

Look at those boobies.

- What happened?
- The whole thing was a nightmare.

I didn't even get to dance...

There is nothing sadder than a
talented dancer not getting to dance.

...because Lena was hooking
up with some guy in his car.

You know what? That is sadder.

I mean, who has sex in a car?

Camille. Me. Lena.

I'm sorry. Was that rhetorical?

I'll get it.

Get what, buddy?

Oh. Hey.

You okay, pal?

Ohh.

This kid's got a fever.

Sorry.

This is the way the movie
"Outbreak" started. Mmm.

Thanks for your concern.

Is he gonna be okay?

Of course. I have taken care
of many a sick child in my day.

Let's get you upstairs
to bed and bundle you up.

Or dress you lightly?

I'm gonna WebMD it. All right.

Hey.

Don't mind me.

Just keep putting
your party paint on

while I parent our children...

and you put on the
other half of that dress.

Are you looking for something?

- Board game. Ever heard of 'em?
- Board game?

They're a wholesome
form of entertainment.

Are you having
family game night?

As a matter of fact, we are.

You mind if I join you?

Suit yourself. I think
we're gonna play Monopoly.

I'll be the car.

Hey.

Yeah, that sounds great,
whatever you want. I'm chill.

Chill? Chill?

- Yeah, I'll see you in five.
- Chill?! She's chill?!

- She's the opposite of chill!
- I am increasingly chill!

She yelled in a
very un-chill way!

Okay, stop it. There
is no narrating.

Okay, back up. Fight's over.

- Hey! You need to go.
- Ugh.

We're almost out of time here.

- This is a really nice place.
- Mm-hmm.

This is the kind of
place you take a girl

before she has sex with you.

No. This is the kind of
place you take the girl

that you really want
to keep having sex with.

Welcome! My name is Grace, and
I'll be your server tonight.

- Hi, Grace.
- Hi.

Allow me to offer you our house
infused blackberry-sage water.

Permission granted.

- Infused.
- I know.

Wow. That is the best
thing I've ever tasted.

- You seem different.
- I do? How?

Yeah. I-I don't know.
You seem lighter.

At this time, we'd
like to remind you that

this is a screen-free restaurant.

We invite you to
stow your devices

so you may better enjoy your
meal and each other's company.

- Oh. Okay.
- Mmm.

I'll just stow mine in my purse.

Oh, but look how
sad his phone looks

- all alone in there.
- Hm?

I don't really
think it looks sad.

Bloop!

"Bloop," huh?

I have to admit,
when we first met,

- I didn't take you for a blooper.
- No?

No. You seemed like
a woman with... stuff.

Now look... you're giving up your
phone, you're making fun noises.

I feel like I'm a
good influence on you.

I think you are.

But the stuff's still there.

- Mm.
- For example, my ex,

who I still live
with, is mad at me,

and I think I know why.

And I think it has
something to do with you.

- Me?
- Mm-hmm.

Even though he's dating someone

with an incredibly flat stomach,

I'm not supposed to
date, because I'm the mom.

And I'm trying not to buy into
that double standard, but it's weird

- because he's home with the kids
- Mmm.

doing a game night,
and that just...

it makes me feel guilty
and absent and conflicted,

and we had a big
fight before I left,

where I may or may
not have hissed at him,

and I kind of want to check in and
smooth things over, but I can't,

because Grace took my phone,
and I hate her, but I like you,

and I'm somewhat interested in the
veal, which I'm morally opposed to.

Bloop.

No! No way.

You can't just...
bloop after that.

Why not? The lightness
and the darkness coexist.

I have many sides to me, Wes.

Can you handle many sides?

I can handle every side.

Okay, say, "Ahh!" Like this...

"Ahh!" Uh...

Look, you're gonna have to stick
it right under your tongue, right,

and then purse your
lips like this, like...

- like-like you're sipping a straw.
- That's not how Mom does it.

Well, I don't care how Mom
does it. This is how I do it.

But just tell me how Mom does it

so I can show you
how much I don't care.

First, she puts her
lips on my forehead.

Then, she takes
an armpit reading,

and if it's over 100.9,
she slips me a $20.

- What?
- Grape medicine and a $20 bill.

- Yes, she does.
- No, she does not.

- Yes, she does. Yes, she does, too,
- No, she doesn't.

when you're not looking.

So, if he's sick, does
that mean no game night?

No game night.

But maybe you could find some
other form of entertainment,

like having sex on our
street outside the house?

Sounds better than Monopoly.

- Oh. You're talking about...
- Your sister?

The mother of my children? Cleaner
of countertops? I saw her, okay?

102.7. That's gotta be
worth at least 40 bucks.

- I don't have any cash.
- Yeah, what's new?

Hey. Since you're missing
out on family game tonight...

- Mm-hmm.
- ...maybe we could play a game.

Okay. What'd you have in mind?

How about who can make the
other person blush first?

Oh.

Okay. I'm in.

Whoa! I'm out. You win.

Thank you.

I hate to say it 'cause
she is an awful person,

but, you know, Grace was right.

Who needs phones?

_

_

_

_

Oh, hey, Grace! Uh, I'm just
on my way to the ladies'.

Would it be cool if I took a
glance at my phone real quick?

Ohh. Your entrees
will be out shortly.

Fantastic. Could I just
see my phone, please?

Well, customarily, we
hand people their phones

as they exit the restaurant,

and, customarily,
they thank us for it.

Okay, well, customarily, I
don't go dark on my three kids

because some hipster
restaurant thinks that

charred leeks are more
important than they are.

Oh! The entr�es are coming out.

I hand-sauce them at the table,

- so you might want to hurry back.
- Okay.

_

- Oh!
- _

Chug, chug, chug, chug,
chug, chug, chug! Let me see?

Yes! Nice.

What's my prize?

Well, for finishing your
drink, you get... two pills.

Aww! I miss college.

I don't know that
I'd ever be as good

at this parenting
stuff as you are.

- I'm thinking of trying.
- Yeah?

On my own. You probably
think that's dumb.

Dumb? Of course not.

It's just a little
intimidating, you know,

the amount of sheer vigilance
that you and Lena have.

I just don't know
that I could do it.

So you'll do it in
your own Maya way.

I actually you're
gonna be a great parent.

Well, thanks.

That means a lot,
coming from you.

You being sarcastic?

Usually. Not right now.

- Well, it sounded sarcastic.
- It's hard to shake.

- Soup?
- I didn't order soup.

- Someone did.
- Thank you...

- for the soup. Yeah.
- Yeah.

I have a feeling, uh-ah,
that it's my fault.

I texted her an update.

Oh, you see? You see? This
is... this is classic Lena,

exactly how you
shouldn't parent.

She is trying to
control this situation

- even though she is not here.
- This is just soup.

It is not just soup.

It is doubt and
distrust... with noodles!

She wants to out-parent
me while she's out there

fooling around with
some guy in his car.

My God. Why are you so stuck
on this guy and his car?

Because I was trying to
be the guy in the car.

Oh, yeah? What about
your girlfriend?

- What?
- Oh, yeah,

the PYT that has been
spotted on multiple occasions,

- coming in and out of the garage?
- Charlotte?

She's my dance teacher.

That's hilarious.

'Cause I was at your wedding.

- You don't dance.
- Well, I do now.

I was trying to surprise
Lena for our anniversary.

But I'm the one
who got surprised.

Milo.

Soup.

Daddy and I need a drink.

I'm a terrible mother.

My son is home sick,
burning up with a fever,

and I'm living it up on
infused blackberry water.

I can feel Martin
judging me right now.

Why? You didn't know he
was sick when you left.

Well, that's the other
thing. How did I not know?

I can usually spot a fever
on that kid a mile away.

Feel like my mom
instincts are dwindling.

Hey, they're not dwindling.

Who tore through every
item in this closet

to check her phone even
after she was asked not to?

Repeatedly asked not to.

And then who used that
phone, during Blitz Pricing,

to Post Mates poor sick little
Milo some overpriced soup?

- I did.
- And in an effort to get you home faster,

who asked Grace to
wrap up our dinners

even though she warned us
they'd lose their complexity?

- You did.
- That's right.

Bye!

Yeah, and there I
was in my wedding tux,

holding this big, stupid
bouquet of flowers,

and I waltz up the
driveway to find Lena

and this guy in his car.

That's more heartbreaking
than "Manchester by the Sea."

Well, what are you
gonna do? We're divorced.

But I still don't understand what
happened between the two of you.

Well, what'd she say?

Well, you know, Lena's
a pretty private person,

and she doesn't tell me much.

No sex for two years.

Wow.

- Okay.
- But true?

Well, I feel like there was more
at play than that, but, yeah...

probably.

Look, I don't know, all right?
I don't know what happened.

I guess, somewhere along
the way, with our different

sleep schedules and
parenting ideals and...

and constant bickering,
you know, I just...

lost it for Lena.

- You lost it?
- Yeah, interest, passion.

My God, we're not even
talking about me now,

and it's still hard to hear.

Well, it's hard
to feel, you know?

And then I see some
guy in a... in a car

grabbing her ass, I-I-I
can't help but think,

"That should be me in there."

I mean, not in there with them,

obviously. You know,
that would be weird. I...

I-I just... I should've
forced myself to...

No, Martin, no. You don't force
yourself to grab someone's ass.

You do it 'cause you can't not,
'cause you're that into them.

I mean, can you imagine ever

having those feelings
for Lena again?

Grace would kill herself
if she knew we were gonna

eat this with plastic
utensils in my garage.

- But we're not.
- Uh, yeah, we are

'cause the good silver's
inside with Martin.

Which is where I
think you want to be.

What? No.

No. I mean...

Now that we're here, I wouldn't
mind doing a quick check-in.

But after that, I'm all yours.

You're definitely not all mine.

Not tonight.

- I'm sorry.
- No.

I'll call you. Can I call you?

Um... yeah.

- Hey.
- Hey.

Were you inside?

How's Milo? Should
I go check on him?

Uh, no, Martin's got it covered.

- But I kind of want to see him.
- Yeah, but it's not your night,

and Martin probably
doesn't want to see you

fresh off the heels
of your date with Wes.

What? What's that
supposed to mean?

Has Martin brainwashed you?

He had his girlfriend here,

but I'm sullied because
I went on a date.

Okay, no one's saying
sullied, it's 2018,

and he doesn't
have a girlfriend.

- What?
- Yeah. No girlfriend.

That was his dance
teacher that he hired

to surprise you on
your anniversary.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

And that's the night I was...

- Sullied.
- Sullied.

Let me guess.

You're here to
demand access to Milo.

No. I'm here to
demand access to you.

Oh. Well, come in.

I didn't know you'd been
taking dance lessons...

- Oh, boy.
- ...or that you saw me the other night with Wes.

Wow, so Maya is
basically an informant.

- No. No, I just. I-I feel...
- She's a double agent. Stop.

Just stop, okay? We
don't have to do this.

- Everything is fine. It is. I swear.
- No, it's not fine.

Look, honestly, I-I
think this played out

- exactly the way it was supposed to.
- What does that mean?

It means that I don't
know what I was thinking.

What, that I could make one
stupid gesture, and then,

you know, all of a sudden,
everything's gonna be okay?

- It wasn't a stupid gesture.
- And seeing you...

with that guy, it-it hurt, yeah.

Hurt in what way?

In the way that it hurts seeing
another man with your woman.

"Your woman"?

- So it hurt your ego?
- Oh, my God, Lena, are you...

- are you serious right now?
- Are you, Martin?

Come on. Did it hurt your
heart, or did it hurt your pride?

Lena, I'm done, all right? I am
done! I am done with the scrutiny.

And whatever way it
hurt, I'm sure it wasn't

the right kind of
hurt for you, okay?

And we-we-we... we push
each other's buttons,

and we get under
each other's skin.

Look, you deserve
the kind of passion

that you felt that
night in the car.

You deserve someone who
feels that way about you.

And that someone isn't you?

I think I would like
to see Milo after all.

? This is not ?

- ? What we wanted... ?
- He looks good.

You must've pushed fluids.

I did.

Well, he's not feverish.

Did you alternate
Tylenol and Motrin?

I did.

Well, you must've kept
a great dosing chart.

Nope. Didn't need it.

- Don't even know what that is.
- You know what that is.

Dosing charts are for babies.

Yes, babies and children that
you're trying not to kill.

Well... to your credit, he
does not appear to be dead.

- Did he trick you into giving him money?
- No.

Hmm.

Must've lost a tooth.

How'd it go?

We are still divorced.

Way to keep at it.

What are you doing?

Me? I'm doing a little shopping

for sperm and purses.
I have two tabs open.

- So we're doing it?
- We're doing it.

Do you think the baby
is gonna be pissed

that it doesn't have a dad?

- I'll be the dad.
- Yeah?

Hell yeah.

Okay, cool.

And speaking of cool,

um, can we take a picture of me
signing my semen-purchaser agreement?

Duh. We're gonna need
it for the baby book.

Oh, yeah.

- Okay.
- Here we go.

- Ready?
- Yes.

Did you get the semen in there?

Oh, it's in there.

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