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♪ God bless America again ♪
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♪ You must know ♪
♪ the trouble that she's in ♪
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♪ Wash her pretty face ♪
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♪ Dry her eyes and then ♪
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00:01:24,485 --> 00:01:30,224
♪ God bless America again ♪
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♪ You know ♪
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♪ I wish God ♪
♪ would bless America again ♪
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♪ Like he did way back there ♪
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♪ When it all began ♪
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♪ He blessed her then ♪
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♪ But we sort of ♪
♪ took it for granted ♪
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00:01:47,975 --> 00:01:49,810
♪ And didn't ask again ♪
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00:01:49,910 --> 00:01:53,080
♪ So let's just kinda ♪
♪ hold her hand now ♪
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♪ That's all ♪
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00:01:54,882 --> 00:01:57,385
♪ In case she stumbles ♪
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♪ Let's don't let her fall ♪
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00:02:01,589 --> 00:02:04,825
Let's go live
to TV 10's Kelly Breen.
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00:02:04,925 --> 00:02:07,328
It's a big day
in Niagara Falls, New York,
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00:02:07,428 --> 00:02:08,796
where the presidential motorcade
20
00:02:08,896 --> 00:02:11,232
will pass by in a few moments.
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00:02:11,332 --> 00:02:14,202
The turnout is pretty much
nonexistent,
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00:02:14,268 --> 00:02:16,036
which is rather surprising.
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00:02:16,204 --> 00:02:20,007
This is the first time a president
has been here since 1901,
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when William McKinley
stopped by and was shot.
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00:02:23,211 --> 00:02:28,549
♪ God bless America again ♪
26
00:02:30,884 --> 00:02:36,590
♪ You must know ♪
♪ the trouble that she's in ♪
27
00:02:38,926 --> 00:02:42,730
♪ Wash her pretty face ♪
28
00:02:42,830 --> 00:02:45,699
♪ Dry her eyes and then ♪
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00:02:46,934 --> 00:02:52,240
♪ God bless America again ♪
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00:02:55,075 --> 00:02:59,247
♪ I don't understand ♪
♪ everything I read and hear ♪
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00:02:59,280 --> 00:03:02,516
♪ About what's wrong ♪
♪ with America ♪
32
00:03:02,616 --> 00:03:04,952
♪ When you don't have ♪
♪ a lot of book learning ♪
33
00:03:05,052 --> 00:03:08,422
♪ There's many things ♪
♪ you don't understand ♪
34
00:03:09,357 --> 00:03:11,359
♪ But I know this much ♪
35
00:03:11,459 --> 00:03:13,894
♪ She's like a mother to me ♪
36
00:03:13,994 --> 00:03:16,330
♪ I love her ♪
♪ with all my heart ♪
37
00:03:16,430 --> 00:03:20,133
♪ And let me tell you this, ♪
♪ Mister ♪
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00:03:20,268 --> 00:03:24,272
♪ Everything I am ♪
♪ or ever hope to be ♪
39
00:03:24,305 --> 00:03:26,073
♪ I owe to her ♪
40
00:03:26,173 --> 00:03:28,409
Topping the President's
agenda today will be a speech
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00:03:28,509 --> 00:03:30,911
at the recently closed
Hacker Defense Plant.
42
00:03:31,011 --> 00:03:34,114
Hacker was closed,
10,000 employees laid off
43
00:03:34,282 --> 00:03:35,616
due to the end of the Cold War,
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00:03:35,716 --> 00:03:37,285
which rendered useless
45
00:03:37,318 --> 00:03:39,387
the military supplies
they produced there.
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00:03:39,487 --> 00:03:41,021
The public is being encouraged
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00:03:41,121 --> 00:03:43,023
to not only and listen
to the President's speech,
48
00:03:43,123 --> 00:03:45,626
but also pick up on a bargain.
49
00:03:45,726 --> 00:03:47,861
There are some good deals
left on items
50
00:03:47,961 --> 00:03:50,998
ranging from missiles
to light armament.
51
00:03:51,098 --> 00:03:55,035
One of those laid-off employees this
morning had quite an altercation.
52
00:03:55,135 --> 00:03:59,840
This ex-Hacker employee is trying
to deface the image of R.J. Hacker,
53
00:03:59,940 --> 00:04:01,542
the chairman of that company.
54
00:04:01,642 --> 00:04:03,611
He got away before
he could be apprehended.
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00:04:05,679 --> 00:04:11,519
♪ God bless America again ♪
56
00:04:13,454 --> 00:04:19,327
♪ You must know ♪
♪ the trouble that she's in ♪
57
00:04:21,429 --> 00:04:25,098
♪ Wash her pretty face ♪
58
00:04:25,198 --> 00:04:28,369
♪ Dry her eyes and then ♪
59
00:04:29,437 --> 00:04:34,542
♪ God bless America again ♪
60
00:04:37,110 --> 00:04:42,483
♪ Oh, please ♪
♪ God bless America again ♪
61
00:05:03,471 --> 00:05:04,505
Shit!
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00:05:42,410 --> 00:05:43,611
Meanwhile, in other news,
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00:05:43,711 --> 00:05:45,513
due to the record number
of laid-off workers
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00:05:45,613 --> 00:05:48,015
jumping to their death
in Niagara Falls,
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00:05:48,115 --> 00:05:50,851
the City Council has just
approved an incentive program.
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00:05:50,951 --> 00:05:54,988
Sheriff's deputies who talk someone
out of jumping will be getting $25.
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00:05:55,088 --> 00:05:58,125
If they go in to retrieve the
body, they'll be getting $50.
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00:05:58,225 --> 00:06:01,429
Jump!
Jump! Jump!
69
00:06:03,330 --> 00:06:04,932
What'll this one make?
70
00:06:05,032 --> 00:06:06,133
Uh…
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00:06:06,233 --> 00:06:07,768
The third one today.
72
00:06:08,969 --> 00:06:10,771
Uh, ninth this week.
73
00:06:10,871 --> 00:06:13,040
Man, are we racking
up the grief bonus!
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00:06:17,010 --> 00:06:20,080
450 bucks, and the
week's not over yet.
75
00:06:20,180 --> 00:06:21,281
Stick with me, Honey.
76
00:06:21,449 --> 00:06:23,083
Things keep going like this,
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00:06:23,183 --> 00:06:25,052
we'll make what we
used to make at Hacker.
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00:06:25,152 --> 00:06:26,454
You know it.
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00:06:30,524 --> 00:06:32,460
What's this guy doing up there?
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00:06:39,767 --> 00:06:41,234
It's a free country.
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00:06:41,334 --> 00:06:44,638
He doesn't like it here,
he can swim to Canada.
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00:06:45,706 --> 00:06:47,274
A lot of work there.
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00:06:47,374 --> 00:06:49,009
Shut up and look at this.
84
00:06:52,112 --> 00:06:54,782
Hey, isn't that… It's our
good friend, Roy Boy.
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00:06:55,315 --> 00:06:56,517
Jump!
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00:06:56,617 --> 00:06:58,552
No, no! He's wearing
my good hat!
87
00:06:58,652 --> 00:07:01,054
Let's help him out.
Great.
88
00:07:01,154 --> 00:07:04,992
Don't jump, Roy Boy, don't jump!
Help is on the way!
89
00:07:11,832 --> 00:07:13,100
Huh?
90
00:07:13,200 --> 00:07:14,902
Nice shootin'!
91
00:07:15,002 --> 00:07:16,570
All right!
92
00:07:16,670 --> 00:07:17,805
Who did this?
93
00:07:19,072 --> 00:07:20,774
Medic.
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00:07:20,874 --> 00:07:22,976
That was a beautiful thing
you just did, Honey.
95
00:07:23,811 --> 00:07:25,012
God, I love you.
96
00:07:26,747 --> 00:07:27,848
Just kidding.
97
00:07:30,784 --> 00:07:32,686
I was kidding.
98
00:07:38,025 --> 00:07:39,927
Let me get this straight.
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00:07:40,027 --> 00:07:42,062
You shot me
100
00:07:42,162 --> 00:07:45,165
because I didn't
want to go on living?
101
00:07:45,265 --> 00:07:46,567
Yeah. You want me
to finish the job?
102
00:07:46,667 --> 00:07:49,537
Relax, Honey. Roy Boy,
would you please pipe down?
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00:07:49,603 --> 00:07:54,274
I was trying to make a
statement about our plight.
104
00:07:54,374 --> 00:07:57,277
At least the plight of those
whose uncle ain't the mayor.
105
00:07:57,377 --> 00:07:59,112
Don't you mention my Uncle Jack.
106
00:07:59,212 --> 00:08:01,114
You're thinking nepotism.
107
00:08:01,214 --> 00:08:03,851
I took that test and
passed it fair and square.
108
00:08:03,951 --> 00:08:06,887
What about handing her a job?
I'm your buddy.
109
00:08:06,987 --> 00:08:08,689
Don't you mention Honey
like that.
110
00:08:09,590 --> 00:08:11,124
Look, you guys,
111
00:08:11,224 --> 00:08:16,063
my life has been complete hell
since Hacker laid me off.
112
00:08:16,163 --> 00:08:17,364
We know how you feel.
113
00:08:17,464 --> 00:08:19,733
We all feel the same way.
114
00:08:19,833 --> 00:08:21,602
We've all made
big changes in our life
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00:08:21,702 --> 00:08:23,103
since the plant closed down.
116
00:08:23,203 --> 00:08:24,371
That's right.
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00:08:24,471 --> 00:08:27,775
If life hands you a lemon,
crush it into lemonade.
118
00:08:27,875 --> 00:08:29,577
That's positive thinking.
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00:08:29,677 --> 00:08:31,712
Come on, smile.
120
00:08:31,812 --> 00:08:35,616
♪ Just what makes ♪
♪ that little ol' ant ♪
121
00:08:35,716 --> 00:08:39,052
♪ Think he'd move ♪
♪ that rubber tree plant ♪
122
00:08:39,152 --> 00:08:41,622
♪ Everyone knows an ant ♪
123
00:08:41,722 --> 00:08:42,690
♪ Can't ♪
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00:08:42,790 --> 00:08:45,492
♪ Move a rubber tree plant ♪
125
00:08:45,593 --> 00:08:46,359
♪ 'Cause he's got ♪
♪ Roy Boy, sing! ♪
126
00:08:46,459 --> 00:08:48,161
♪ High hopes ♪
127
00:08:48,261 --> 00:08:49,663
♪ He's got ♪
128
00:08:49,763 --> 00:08:51,665
♪ High hopes ♪
129
00:08:51,765 --> 00:08:53,701
♪ He's got ♪
130
00:08:53,801 --> 00:08:58,038
♪ High-apple-pie- ♪
♪ in-the-sky hopes ♪
131
00:08:58,138 --> 00:09:01,008
♪ So any time ♪
♪ you're feelin' low ♪
132
00:09:01,108 --> 00:09:02,610
♪ Instead of lettin' go ♪
133
00:09:02,676 --> 00:09:06,680
♪ Just remember that ant ♪
134
00:09:06,780 --> 00:09:08,916
♪ Woops, there goes ♪
♪ another rubber tree ♪
135
00:09:09,016 --> 00:09:12,185
♪ Woops, there goes ♪
♪ another rubber tree ♪
136
00:09:12,285 --> 00:09:15,889
♪ Woops, there goes ♪
♪ another rubber tree plant ♪
137
00:09:15,989 --> 00:09:17,625
♪ Ker-plop! ♪
138
00:09:26,800 --> 00:09:28,035
President here yet, Riley?
139
00:09:28,135 --> 00:09:29,169
Officer Riley.
140
00:09:29,269 --> 00:09:30,638
Oh, sure. Sorry.
141
00:09:30,704 --> 00:09:33,641
You fellas need any backup
here, Officer Riley?
142
00:09:33,707 --> 00:09:34,775
I don't think so, Sheriff.
143
00:09:34,875 --> 00:09:36,276
Okay.
144
00:09:36,376 --> 00:09:38,646
You finding a lot of
roadkill this year, Sheriff?
145
00:09:41,982 --> 00:09:43,016
We get to keep what we find.
146
00:09:47,054 --> 00:09:48,121
Forgive me.
Where are my manners?
147
00:09:48,221 --> 00:09:50,557
This is my woman deputy, Honey.
148
00:09:50,658 --> 00:09:53,260
Honey's been a real asset
since she got her parole.
149
00:09:57,197 --> 00:09:58,398
Next, I have an unused,
150
00:09:58,498 --> 00:10:00,000
air-delivered,
chemical weapon.
151
00:10:00,100 --> 00:10:02,870
Guaranteed death
within three minutes.
152
00:10:02,970 --> 00:10:05,005
What do I hear for this
miracle of modern science?
153
00:10:05,105 --> 00:10:06,940
Do I hear…
154
00:10:07,040 --> 00:10:08,375
Spread 'em, or I'll
blow your brains out.
155
00:10:09,910 --> 00:10:11,311
Where the hell you guys been?
156
00:10:11,411 --> 00:10:13,513
Pulling stiffs out of the Falls.
157
00:10:13,613 --> 00:10:16,149
You promised I could pull
the stiffs out this time.
158
00:10:16,249 --> 00:10:18,418
I need the money.
159
00:10:18,518 --> 00:10:22,956
We never got the $50. We stopped
Roy Boy from jumping off.
160
00:10:24,557 --> 00:10:26,226
What? You're jumping off
the Falls now?
161
00:10:26,326 --> 00:10:27,627
I was making a statement.
162
00:10:27,728 --> 00:10:29,429
Stop with the statement thing.
163
00:10:29,529 --> 00:10:30,998
Get us a beer.
164
00:10:31,098 --> 00:10:32,199
I do love an auction.
165
00:10:33,867 --> 00:10:37,170
What do I hear for this
beautiful, wire-guided,
166
00:10:37,270 --> 00:10:39,006
uranium-tipped
fire-and-forget thing?
167
00:10:39,106 --> 00:10:42,109
Who'll give me $1,000?
1,000, 1,000, 1,000?
168
00:10:42,209 --> 00:10:43,310
$500, then.
169
00:10:43,410 --> 00:10:45,045
Have $500 anyone?
170
00:10:45,145 --> 00:10:46,446
$500, my ass.
171
00:10:46,546 --> 00:10:48,315
Come on, ladies and gentlemen.
172
00:10:48,415 --> 00:10:52,986
Built right here in Niagara Falls.
You can own one.
173
00:10:53,086 --> 00:10:54,121
You built it.
You can own it now.
174
00:10:54,221 --> 00:10:58,158
300, 300, 300, 4.
400, 400, 400, 400, 5.
175
00:10:58,258 --> 00:11:00,728
Can we get out of here?
176
00:11:00,828 --> 00:11:03,196
All these guns and white
people are making me nervous.
177
00:11:03,296 --> 00:11:05,298
Ease off with that
"white people" stuff.
178
00:11:05,398 --> 00:11:06,166
You got me looking at 'em funny.
179
00:11:08,201 --> 00:11:09,870
I've got 25, 26, 25, 26.
180
00:11:11,071 --> 00:11:12,339
Sold! $25.
181
00:11:13,640 --> 00:11:15,843
All right.
Here you go.
182
00:11:15,943 --> 00:11:17,344
Next, we have…
183
00:11:24,617 --> 00:11:25,753
Pardon me.
184
00:11:25,819 --> 00:11:27,855
Out of the way.
Let me by.
185
00:11:27,955 --> 00:11:30,490
Anyone! Could I
have $100, please?
186
00:11:30,590 --> 00:11:32,059
Give me that microphone.
187
00:11:33,560 --> 00:11:34,762
I reckon all of you know me.
188
00:11:34,828 --> 00:11:38,065
I'm R.J. Hacker,
and I own Hacker Dynamics
189
00:11:38,165 --> 00:11:40,167
and Hacker Aerospace,
190
00:11:40,267 --> 00:11:41,234
Time-Hacker,
191
00:11:41,334 --> 00:11:42,770
Hacker-Upjohn,
192
00:11:42,870 --> 00:11:46,774
and a bunch of others I don't even
remember, and you don't care.
193
00:11:46,807 --> 00:11:49,642
You're upset because
I closed this plant
194
00:11:49,777 --> 00:11:51,511
and put you out on the street.
195
00:11:51,611 --> 00:11:54,882
Well, I want you to know
I'm upset, too.
196
00:11:54,982 --> 00:11:58,118
In fact, I get choked up
thinking about it.
197
00:12:12,900 --> 00:12:15,402
Boo! Boo!
198
00:12:20,640 --> 00:12:21,809
Shit.
199
00:12:23,443 --> 00:12:25,512
Pill-popping freaks.
Look at this trash.
200
00:12:25,612 --> 00:12:27,114
Just garbage.
Human garbage.
201
00:12:27,214 --> 00:12:29,649
Look. That's what
we get for kicking butt
202
00:12:29,817 --> 00:12:31,852
in every goddamn
corner of the world.
203
00:12:31,952 --> 00:12:35,856
Why do we have to be
here at these closings?
204
00:12:35,956 --> 00:12:38,325
General, we're here to show
the people that we care.
205
00:12:38,425 --> 00:12:41,829
Let's put on a happy
face, shall we?
206
00:12:41,895 --> 00:12:44,832
Used to be that you
had your Russian reds,
207
00:12:44,898 --> 00:12:47,100
your Cuban red, Hollywood red.
208
00:12:47,200 --> 00:12:49,236
Here a red, there a red,
everywhere a red red.
209
00:12:49,336 --> 00:12:51,872
E-I-E-I-O.
210
00:12:51,972 --> 00:12:54,107
But it kept us on our toes.
211
00:12:54,207 --> 00:12:57,444
We didn't know who to mistrust,
212
00:12:57,544 --> 00:12:59,412
but we had to defend ourselves.
213
00:12:59,512 --> 00:13:02,682
You had good jobs
to put meat on the table.
214
00:13:02,850 --> 00:13:06,086
But today we find ourselves
being destroyed
215
00:13:06,186 --> 00:13:07,687
not by the reds,
216
00:13:07,855 --> 00:13:10,157
but by a bunch of shortsighted,
217
00:13:10,257 --> 00:13:11,859
bleeding-heart,
218
00:13:11,959 --> 00:13:14,127
penny-pinching
Washington wimps.
219
00:13:14,227 --> 00:13:15,528
Who is this guy?
220
00:13:15,628 --> 00:13:17,430
R.J. Hacker, sir.
221
00:13:17,530 --> 00:13:18,665
How about some credit?
222
00:13:18,765 --> 00:13:22,002
I'm the only president who
hasn't gotten us into a war.
223
00:13:22,102 --> 00:13:23,770
I think that's his point, sir.
224
00:13:23,871 --> 00:13:25,338
You have yet to send
our boys into battle.
225
00:13:25,438 --> 00:13:27,440
Where?
Nobody's bothering us.
226
00:13:27,540 --> 00:13:29,877
Send them anywhere, sir.
227
00:13:29,977 --> 00:13:32,245
Guaranteed 30-point
boost in the polls.
228
00:13:32,345 --> 00:13:33,914
Well, I'm not going
to start a war
229
00:13:34,014 --> 00:13:36,950
just to increase my popularity.
230
00:13:39,452 --> 00:13:41,054
What can I do for 20 points?
231
00:13:41,154 --> 00:13:43,190
…makes me want to commit
acts I cannot utter in public.
232
00:13:44,257 --> 00:13:46,293
Here he is now.
233
00:13:46,393 --> 00:13:49,096
The man that
a thin majority of you
234
00:13:49,196 --> 00:13:52,665
chose to be President
of the United States.
235
00:14:07,080 --> 00:14:08,148
Stu.
236
00:14:08,248 --> 00:14:10,417
Little hard on the leader
237
00:14:10,517 --> 00:14:12,219
of the free world,
don't you think?
238
00:14:12,319 --> 00:14:15,455
It's just what he deserved.
239
00:14:15,555 --> 00:14:18,325
This peace ain't all
it's cracked up to be.
240
00:14:18,425 --> 00:14:22,195
Especially if we keep laying
off thousands of voters.
241
00:14:22,295 --> 00:14:24,965
What would you suggest we do
to keep these factories open?
242
00:14:26,666 --> 00:14:28,936
Should I call up the Russians,
243
00:14:29,036 --> 00:14:32,005
see if they want
to get back into it?
244
00:14:32,105 --> 00:14:36,176
Don't you get sarcastic with
me, you little pissant!
245
00:14:36,276 --> 00:14:38,311
You just had an idea
that I liked!
246
00:14:38,411 --> 00:14:40,147
I want you to follow up on it.
247
00:14:40,247 --> 00:14:44,751
See to it that those Russkies
get back in the Cold War mode.
248
00:14:44,851 --> 00:14:48,956
If you don't, you'll go
right back where I found you.
249
00:14:49,022 --> 00:14:51,124
Now, don't make decisions.
Just do it.
250
00:14:51,224 --> 00:14:53,826
I want to thank
you for that great welcome.
251
00:14:53,961 --> 00:14:58,131
You provided the power
to win the Cold War
252
00:14:58,231 --> 00:15:00,100
for the United States
of America.
253
00:15:00,200 --> 00:15:04,071
If we could take what we spent
on just one day of the Cold War,
254
00:15:04,171 --> 00:15:07,507
we could put our children
through school for the year.
255
00:15:07,607 --> 00:15:11,111
Now's our chance to do it.
256
00:15:11,211 --> 00:15:15,048
Time to turn off that war machine
and turn on our children.
257
00:15:18,851 --> 00:15:20,020
Turn… Turn on our children.
258
00:15:21,121 --> 00:15:22,622
The time has come, fortunately,
259
00:15:22,722 --> 00:15:25,993
for us to beat our
swords into plowshares.
260
00:15:26,026 --> 00:15:28,161
Excuse me.
Do you work here?
261
00:15:28,261 --> 00:15:29,496
You work here?
262
00:15:29,596 --> 00:15:32,632
I want to get a
copy of the speech.
263
00:15:32,732 --> 00:15:34,534
A transcript or something?
264
00:15:34,634 --> 00:15:35,668
And you are…
265
00:15:35,768 --> 00:15:36,803
Oh, I'm sorry.
266
00:15:36,903 --> 00:15:39,506
Sheriff Bud Boomer,
Niagara County.
267
00:15:39,606 --> 00:15:41,574
And your handle is?
268
00:15:41,674 --> 00:15:42,909
What?
Your name? Your name.
269
00:15:43,010 --> 00:15:47,180
Stuart Smiley, the president's
National Security Advisor.
270
00:15:49,049 --> 00:15:51,084
Stu, you're just the
guy we wanted to see.
271
00:15:51,184 --> 00:15:55,022
Can you give us a deal
at our sheriff's department?
272
00:15:55,088 --> 00:15:57,257
We're looking for…
What do you call them?
273
00:15:57,357 --> 00:16:01,394
The M-1640-millimeter
grenade launchers.
274
00:16:01,494 --> 00:16:03,363
Flash, fragmentation,
275
00:16:03,463 --> 00:16:07,200
incendiary illumination,
and smoke.
276
00:16:07,300 --> 00:16:08,435
To go, please.
277
00:16:08,535 --> 00:16:09,802
Are we putting on a play?
278
00:16:09,902 --> 00:16:11,371
It's for civil
disturbances only.
279
00:16:11,471 --> 00:16:13,106
"How many times"
280
00:16:14,807 --> 00:16:17,344
"must the cannonballs fly"
281
00:16:19,179 --> 00:16:20,547
You tell us.
282
00:16:20,647 --> 00:16:21,714
"Before they're forever
banned?"
283
00:16:21,814 --> 00:16:24,384
Ugh.
284
00:16:24,484 --> 00:16:25,252
"The answer, my friend,"
285
00:16:26,086 --> 00:16:28,421
"is blowin' in the wind."
286
00:16:31,591 --> 00:16:33,193
"The answer, my friend…"
287
00:16:37,597 --> 00:16:40,533
Okay. I'm in command here.
Stay calm.
288
00:16:40,633 --> 00:16:42,535
Get off me!
289
00:16:42,635 --> 00:16:43,803
The sheriff has
the eagle covered.
290
00:16:43,903 --> 00:16:45,605
It's an honor to meet you.
291
00:16:45,705 --> 00:16:48,475
I'm sorry I didn't vote for you.
I had to stay home.
292
00:16:48,575 --> 00:16:50,543
The cable installers
said they'd come…
293
00:16:50,643 --> 00:16:53,546
Get off me.
Pardon?
294
00:16:53,646 --> 00:16:54,847
Get off me!
295
00:16:54,947 --> 00:16:56,116
I'm sorry. Sure.
296
00:16:57,850 --> 00:16:59,086
Oh, God.
297
00:17:04,857 --> 00:17:08,095
Good thing for you
the President liked me.
298
00:17:08,195 --> 00:17:09,762
Otherwise, you'd
be in big trouble.
299
00:17:09,862 --> 00:17:12,932
Right. You must be really
important, Boomer.
300
00:17:13,100 --> 00:17:14,634
You see Cops last night?
301
00:17:14,734 --> 00:17:16,002
I wouldn't miss it.
302
00:17:16,103 --> 00:17:17,737
They kept the camera running
303
00:17:17,837 --> 00:17:20,006
while they were waling
away on those guys.
304
00:17:20,107 --> 00:17:22,742
Whack, whack, whack, whack!
305
00:17:22,842 --> 00:17:26,413
Oh, it was awesome!
Ooh!
306
00:17:26,513 --> 00:17:27,880
You think we're ever
gonna be on Cops?
307
00:17:27,980 --> 00:17:29,482
Damn right we will.
308
00:17:29,582 --> 00:17:32,952
Wait'll they see me throwing
myself on that grenade.
309
00:17:33,120 --> 00:17:34,887
You threw the President
on the grenade.
310
00:17:34,987 --> 00:17:36,723
Well, whatever.
311
00:17:37,990 --> 00:17:39,326
Morning, Mr. President.
312
00:17:39,426 --> 00:17:40,760
Morning, sir.
313
00:17:40,860 --> 00:17:43,330
I have the results from
the overnight tracking.
314
00:17:43,430 --> 00:17:44,831
Care to hear the damage?
315
00:17:45,832 --> 00:17:46,899
Yeah. I can take it.
316
00:17:46,999 --> 00:17:48,135
It's good news, sir.
317
00:17:48,235 --> 00:17:50,237
Immediately after the
assassination attempt,
318
00:17:50,337 --> 00:17:52,872
we got a 15-point boost
in the national polls.
319
00:17:52,972 --> 00:17:54,641
Okay.
320
00:17:54,741 --> 00:17:57,244
They dropped off considerably
321
00:17:57,344 --> 00:17:59,379
once word got out
that you were still alive.
322
00:17:59,479 --> 00:18:03,150
But the initial massive
gains the Dow Jones made
323
00:18:03,183 --> 00:18:05,385
after the assassination bulletin
324
00:18:05,485 --> 00:18:07,587
held for the entire
business day.
325
00:18:07,687 --> 00:18:08,955
That's good news.
326
00:18:09,055 --> 00:18:11,158
According to this,
rumors that you were
327
00:18:11,191 --> 00:18:14,261
clinically dead for five
minutes, and returned to life
328
00:18:14,361 --> 00:18:16,563
boosted your rating
with the religious right.
329
00:18:16,663 --> 00:18:17,830
That's good.
330
00:18:17,930 --> 00:18:22,369
But the voters felt that
your being alive or dead
331
00:18:22,469 --> 00:18:24,171
had no real bearing
on their daily lives.
332
00:18:24,271 --> 00:18:26,239
You can take that
a couple of ways.
333
00:18:26,339 --> 00:18:28,708
With all due respect, sir,
334
00:18:28,808 --> 00:18:30,643
enjoy your single term.
335
00:18:31,644 --> 00:18:33,613
You know, it's not fair.
336
00:18:33,713 --> 00:18:35,782
Every other president had the
Russians to blame for everything.
337
00:18:37,684 --> 00:18:39,252
What have I got?
338
00:18:39,352 --> 00:18:43,356
It is really too bad that the
Russians are no longer in the game.
339
00:18:43,456 --> 00:18:46,426
They weren't much fun anyway.
Never got to kill any.
340
00:18:46,526 --> 00:18:49,529
But without them,
you and your friends
341
00:18:49,629 --> 00:18:50,963
would've had to get real jobs.
342
00:18:51,063 --> 00:18:53,200
That isn't funny,
Stu. Stu's got a point.
343
00:18:53,266 --> 00:18:54,201
What point, sir?
344
00:18:54,234 --> 00:18:55,702
You got a point, too.
345
00:18:55,802 --> 00:18:58,705
My point is that Russia
is in such shambles,
346
00:18:58,805 --> 00:19:02,041
they couldn't sissy-slap
us if they tried.
347
00:19:02,209 --> 00:19:04,844
Well, they still have all
those missiles lying around.
348
00:19:04,944 --> 00:19:05,978
20,473, to be exact.
349
00:19:06,078 --> 00:19:07,680
Are you kidding?
350
00:19:07,780 --> 00:19:09,282
One of their breakaway
republics, Kazakhstan,
351
00:19:09,382 --> 00:19:13,220
is the third-ranking
nuclear power in the world.
352
00:19:13,253 --> 00:19:14,454
Are you kidding?
353
00:19:14,554 --> 00:19:17,890
Most Americans don't know
where Kazakhstan is.
354
00:19:17,990 --> 00:19:19,492
My travel agent can't find it.
355
00:19:19,592 --> 00:19:20,793
I can imagine why.
356
00:19:20,893 --> 00:19:23,230
What do you want
to do about Russia?
357
00:19:23,263 --> 00:19:26,766
Let's find out who's in
charge over there this week.
358
00:19:26,866 --> 00:19:27,967
Vladimir Krushkin.
359
00:19:28,067 --> 00:19:29,969
Vlad. I like him.
That's good.
360
00:19:30,069 --> 00:19:33,573
Let's ask him to come over.
We can have a summit thing.
361
00:19:33,673 --> 00:19:36,876
Maybe we can work
something out like before.
362
00:19:36,976 --> 00:19:40,480
That's an excellent idea.
Super idea, sir.
363
00:19:40,580 --> 00:19:41,948
We got a contingency plan.
364
00:19:42,048 --> 00:19:43,383
Good.
We'll bring it right in.
365
00:19:43,483 --> 00:19:44,584
Good, good.
366
00:20:10,042 --> 00:20:12,279
Look at the treacherous
bastards.
367
00:20:12,379 --> 00:20:13,846
Once a commie, always a commie.
368
00:20:13,946 --> 00:20:15,415
Pretend you're not here.
369
00:20:15,515 --> 00:20:16,649
Shut up, peanuts.
370
00:20:16,749 --> 00:20:19,218
All right. Be nice.
This man's our only hope.
371
00:20:20,587 --> 00:20:22,822
Mr. President,
welcome to our summit.
372
00:20:22,922 --> 00:20:24,223
You look great.
373
00:20:27,193 --> 00:20:29,729
Let's eat.
Good. Right this way.
374
00:20:29,829 --> 00:20:30,663
Have a good trip?
375
00:20:30,763 --> 00:20:32,365
Wonderful.
Truly wonderful.
376
00:20:32,465 --> 00:20:33,533
Mm-hm.
377
00:20:35,935 --> 00:20:37,937
Mmm.
378
00:20:50,317 --> 00:20:51,818
Mmm.
379
00:20:54,253 --> 00:20:56,856
Mr. President,
we were wondering if, uh…
380
00:20:56,956 --> 00:20:59,125
If you and I, you know…
381
00:20:59,225 --> 00:21:01,894
If we couldn't sort
of get together and…
382
00:21:01,994 --> 00:21:04,564
You know, mano y mano, and…
383
00:21:04,664 --> 00:21:06,566
And sort of work something out,
384
00:21:08,868 --> 00:21:11,838
sort of mix it up the way we
used to in the good old days.
385
00:21:13,506 --> 00:21:15,442
I don't mean a real war.
386
00:21:15,542 --> 00:21:17,744
Just a little tension.
387
00:21:17,844 --> 00:21:21,548
Sort of help people
forget about things.
388
00:21:23,916 --> 00:21:25,752
Oh, Mr. President.
389
00:21:25,852 --> 00:21:27,019
Please!
390
00:21:27,119 --> 00:21:29,021
Is this why you called us here?
391
00:21:29,121 --> 00:21:31,991
We already gave up.
You've won.
392
00:21:32,091 --> 00:21:36,363
We are too busy trying to perfect
universal indoor plumbing.
393
00:21:36,929 --> 00:21:38,365
That's right.
394
00:21:38,465 --> 00:21:41,434
Indoor plumbing.
Maybe even a little…
395
00:21:42,168 --> 00:21:43,736
Central heating.
396
00:21:43,836 --> 00:21:46,873
A big Buick in every
garage would be nice.
397
00:21:46,973 --> 00:21:50,377
A few cellular phones,
compact discs, MTV…
398
00:21:50,477 --> 00:21:52,779
What is the name
of that other channel?
399
00:21:52,879 --> 00:21:54,714
VH-1.
Yes! VH-1!
400
00:21:55,982 --> 00:21:58,385
I'm so sorry,
Mr. President.
401
00:21:58,418 --> 00:22:00,953
We can't go back
to the old days.
402
00:22:01,053 --> 00:22:02,922
Please try and understand.
403
00:22:03,022 --> 00:22:03,956
Good day.
404
00:22:05,224 --> 00:22:06,426
It's a trick,
Mr. President.
405
00:22:06,526 --> 00:22:07,627
Damn right.
406
00:22:07,727 --> 00:22:09,596
Can't we talk this over?
407
00:22:09,696 --> 00:22:11,398
What is there to talk over?
408
00:22:11,431 --> 00:22:12,965
You're in charge
of the world now.
409
00:22:13,065 --> 00:22:14,401
Don't be a sore winner.
410
00:22:14,501 --> 00:22:17,303
I'm sure we could discuss
this like civilized men.
411
00:22:17,404 --> 00:22:19,138
Civilized men?
412
00:22:19,238 --> 00:22:23,676
Is that what we've both
been for the last 50 years?
413
00:22:23,776 --> 00:22:27,814
Just a holy goddamn
minute, your comradeship!
414
00:22:27,914 --> 00:22:29,716
You don't go throwing
your weight around
415
00:22:29,816 --> 00:22:31,851
for half a century,
threatening the peaceful,
416
00:22:31,951 --> 00:22:35,321
freedom-loving western world,
and decide one day
417
00:22:35,422 --> 00:22:37,724
you don't want to
tug the rope no more.
418
00:22:37,824 --> 00:22:38,991
Do you?
419
00:22:39,091 --> 00:22:40,627
Mr. President,
I'm so sorry for this.
420
00:22:40,727 --> 00:22:42,028
Sorry for this?
421
00:22:42,128 --> 00:22:45,131
You made us spend trillions
on submarines and missiles,
422
00:22:45,231 --> 00:22:47,800
and what did
all this rubbish get us?
423
00:22:47,900 --> 00:22:50,036
Bread lines and May Day parades!
424
00:22:51,303 --> 00:22:54,874
Don't chicken out on us now!
425
00:22:54,974 --> 00:22:57,544
We need you.
I need you.
426
00:22:57,644 --> 00:22:59,646
You don't always
get a second chance.
427
00:23:00,747 --> 00:23:01,781
Attaboy, Stu!
428
00:23:03,550 --> 00:23:04,617
You can't do that!
429
00:23:04,717 --> 00:23:05,752
Get off him!
430
00:23:05,852 --> 00:23:07,587
Get off him!
431
00:23:08,721 --> 00:23:09,856
I'm very sorry, Mr. President.
432
00:23:09,956 --> 00:23:11,057
I'm very… All right.
433
00:23:11,157 --> 00:23:13,092
Get over there.
Get over there.
434
00:23:13,192 --> 00:23:15,528
Sorry. I'm really, truly sorry.
435
00:23:15,628 --> 00:23:18,465
Maybe we could meet again.
How about Geneva?
436
00:23:18,531 --> 00:23:22,168
We could meet at Geneva,
sort of neutral territory.
437
00:23:22,268 --> 00:23:24,170
Goodbye, Mr. President.
438
00:23:25,037 --> 00:23:26,105
And good luck.
439
00:23:30,810 --> 00:23:32,111
Any more bright ideas?
440
00:23:34,380 --> 00:23:36,583
What are we going to
do for an enemy now?
441
00:23:37,550 --> 00:23:38,485
Dead.
442
00:23:41,253 --> 00:23:42,489
Dead.
443
00:23:44,524 --> 00:23:45,558
Dead.
444
00:23:47,794 --> 00:23:48,861
Dead.
445
00:23:48,961 --> 00:23:49,929
I miss anything?
446
00:23:50,029 --> 00:23:50,963
Nothing.
447
00:23:52,899 --> 00:23:54,501
Also dead.
448
00:23:54,567 --> 00:23:55,535
They're all dead.
449
00:23:55,635 --> 00:23:57,236
You working from an old list?
450
00:23:57,336 --> 00:23:59,639
They're what we're looking for.
451
00:24:00,540 --> 00:24:02,942
This guy, he's still alive.
452
00:24:03,042 --> 00:24:05,845
But he's down in Florida
making license plates now.
453
00:24:08,548 --> 00:24:09,849
She's reformed.
454
00:24:09,949 --> 00:24:11,751
And looking good.
455
00:24:11,851 --> 00:24:13,520
You know, we were thinking,
456
00:24:13,620 --> 00:24:15,321
what could be a bigger threat
457
00:24:15,421 --> 00:24:17,590
than aliens invading from space?
458
00:24:17,690 --> 00:24:20,660
Whoo-boy! Scare the
shit out of everyone.
459
00:24:20,760 --> 00:24:21,994
Even me, sir.
460
00:24:22,094 --> 00:24:24,697
Is this the best
you could come up with?
461
00:24:24,797 --> 00:24:27,934
What about, you know,
international terrorism?
462
00:24:28,034 --> 00:24:32,004
Sir, we're not going to reopen missile
factories just to fight some creeps
463
00:24:32,104 --> 00:24:34,607
running around in
exploding rental cars.
464
00:24:35,341 --> 00:24:36,543
Turn on the lights.
465
00:24:38,978 --> 00:24:41,380
I'm sorry.
I'm appalled.
466
00:24:41,548 --> 00:24:45,084
I'm surprised you left those
killer bees off the list.
467
00:24:45,184 --> 00:24:46,553
How about…
468
00:24:48,254 --> 00:24:49,722
How about Canada?
469
00:24:49,822 --> 00:24:53,860
♪ O Canada ♪
470
00:24:53,960 --> 00:24:58,565
♪ Our home and native land ♪
471
00:24:58,665 --> 00:25:02,401
♪ True patriot love ♪
472
00:25:02,569 --> 00:25:06,105
♪ In all thy sons command… ♪
473
00:25:08,775 --> 00:25:10,109
That's what I hate
about coming here.
474
00:25:10,209 --> 00:25:11,911
You got to listen to that song.
475
00:25:12,011 --> 00:25:15,582
Check out the flag. What
is that, a weed on there?
476
00:25:15,615 --> 00:25:17,984
Give me a break!
Nice flag.
477
00:25:18,084 --> 00:25:20,286
Let's go!
478
00:25:20,386 --> 00:25:21,988
Let's go!
Drop the puck!
479
00:25:22,088 --> 00:25:23,389
Let's go!
480
00:25:23,489 --> 00:25:25,491
Come on! Face off!
481
00:25:25,592 --> 00:25:28,595
♪ O Canada ♪
482
00:25:28,695 --> 00:25:33,733
♪ We stand on guard for thee ♪
483
00:25:33,833 --> 00:25:35,501
Evening, ladies and gentlemen.
484
00:25:35,602 --> 00:25:37,003
Welcome to Hockey Night
in Canada.
485
00:25:37,103 --> 00:25:39,806
Tonight the American team
visits our Canadian champions,
486
00:25:39,906 --> 00:25:41,473
the Ontario Beavers.
487
00:25:41,608 --> 00:25:43,142
Please enjoy the game,
and remember,
488
00:25:43,242 --> 00:25:45,978
no bad language
and no littering.
489
00:25:46,078 --> 00:25:47,747
Here we go!
490
00:25:51,283 --> 00:25:53,620
Hey, Kabral, how come
you never see
491
00:25:53,653 --> 00:25:55,688
any black guys playing hockey?
492
00:25:55,788 --> 00:26:00,627
Do you think it's easy to just gradually
take over every professional sport?
493
00:26:01,794 --> 00:26:03,262
Let me tell you something, man,
494
00:26:03,362 --> 00:26:04,997
brothers are starting to
figure out this ice thing.
495
00:26:06,633 --> 00:26:07,233
Hope you enjoyed it.
496
00:26:09,936 --> 00:26:12,538
These Canadians ain't
got a care in the world.
497
00:26:12,639 --> 00:26:15,975
How about the way they
cheat at the World Series?
498
00:26:16,075 --> 00:26:17,877
That's our game, people!
499
00:26:17,977 --> 00:26:19,311
That is true.
500
00:26:20,980 --> 00:26:23,015
And another thing.
Their beer sucks.
501
00:26:46,105 --> 00:26:47,006
Ew!
502
00:26:48,574 --> 00:26:51,678
Oh, boy!
Look at that!
503
00:26:51,778 --> 00:26:52,945
That's footage never seen on TV.
504
00:26:55,381 --> 00:26:57,984
Yowsah!
It's amazing.
505
00:26:59,551 --> 00:27:00,820
How did you know that
was a nuclear facility?
506
00:27:00,920 --> 00:27:03,222
They tricked us there.
That's a hospital.
507
00:27:04,757 --> 00:27:06,292
But it's a hell of a strike.
508
00:27:06,392 --> 00:27:09,028
We've got technology we've
never been able to use.
509
00:27:09,128 --> 00:27:11,530
A riot between
Americans and Canadians
510
00:27:11,698 --> 00:27:16,836
broke out last night at a hockey
arena in Niagara Falls, Ontario.
511
00:27:16,936 --> 00:27:18,137
Police estimate
at least 60 people,
512
00:27:18,237 --> 00:27:20,472
including an American sheriff,
513
00:27:20,572 --> 00:27:23,843
were detained overnight
by Canadian authorities.
514
00:27:23,943 --> 00:27:25,712
I want to call
the American Embassy.
515
00:27:25,812 --> 00:27:28,180
All I said was,
"Canadian beer sucks."
516
00:27:30,416 --> 00:27:31,718
People!
517
00:27:31,751 --> 00:27:32,919
People!
518
00:27:34,921 --> 00:27:37,589
Can't we all just get along?
519
00:27:37,724 --> 00:27:39,726
Boy, these Canadians
are violent.
520
00:27:47,767 --> 00:27:50,770
General, can I use your
phone for a second?
521
00:27:50,870 --> 00:27:52,004
Sure. Go ahead.
522
00:27:56,042 --> 00:27:58,210
Yeah. Stu Smiley.
Give me Central Intelligence.
523
00:28:00,112 --> 00:28:02,048
Yeah, Canada desk?
524
00:28:02,782 --> 00:28:03,783
Timmy.
525
00:28:03,883 --> 00:28:05,117
Hi, Stu.
526
00:28:05,217 --> 00:28:06,418
What's up, Bill?
527
00:28:06,518 --> 00:28:08,420
How you doing, Stu?
528
00:28:08,520 --> 00:28:09,922
Re-route
the heroin through Cancun.
529
00:28:10,022 --> 00:28:11,157
Hold on a second.
530
00:28:11,257 --> 00:28:12,759
Yeah. Oliver Stone.
531
00:28:13,559 --> 00:28:15,928
There's Gus.
532
00:28:16,028 --> 00:28:19,131
What do you say, Stu?
Long time no see, huh?
533
00:28:19,231 --> 00:28:21,467
It's like The Plaza in here.
534
00:28:21,567 --> 00:28:25,004
They've got me in a temporary
place here, that's all.
535
00:28:25,104 --> 00:28:28,474
I see you're still proud
of telling Kennedy
536
00:28:28,574 --> 00:28:30,376
to send advisors to Vietnam.
537
00:28:30,476 --> 00:28:32,011
You're damn right.
538
00:28:32,111 --> 00:28:35,982
The whole Vietnam war was my idea.
Not ashamed of it one bit.
539
00:28:36,082 --> 00:28:38,250
If they had followed my
advice and gone nuclear…
540
00:28:38,350 --> 00:28:40,686
I'm sure history
will vindicate you.
541
00:28:40,787 --> 00:28:43,790
Would've wiped out
the Koreans, too.
542
00:28:43,823 --> 00:28:47,493
Then we wouldn't be driving behind them
shitty little compacts with no pickup.
543
00:28:47,593 --> 00:28:49,896
Those cars are built in South Korea.
They're our Koreans.
544
00:28:49,996 --> 00:28:51,998
Like I care!
545
00:28:52,098 --> 00:28:54,500
What have you got for me?
Anything, something?
546
00:28:54,600 --> 00:28:56,803
You mean Canada.
Yeah.
547
00:28:56,903 --> 00:29:01,073
We can't talk here.
Let's go for a walk.
548
00:29:01,173 --> 00:29:03,810
There a secretary hidden somewhere
to hold your calls for you?
549
00:29:05,677 --> 00:29:08,414
Remember the big
New York blackout?
550
00:29:08,514 --> 00:29:11,617
Caused by a Canadian hydroelectric
plant, Niagara Falls.
551
00:29:11,717 --> 00:29:15,321
The canucks claimed that it
was a faulty transmitter.
552
00:29:17,323 --> 00:29:19,826
We had reason
to suspect otherwise.
553
00:29:19,892 --> 00:29:21,527
Why? What do you mean?
554
00:29:21,627 --> 00:29:26,098
These Canadians suffer from
a serious inferiority complex.
555
00:29:26,198 --> 00:29:27,166
That's why they built this.
556
00:29:27,266 --> 00:29:29,035
Canadian National Tower,
557
00:29:29,135 --> 00:29:31,737
world's tallest
freestanding structure.
558
00:29:31,838 --> 00:29:34,373
Our scientists can't
figure out its purpose.
559
00:29:34,473 --> 00:29:36,042
I'll bet theirs can't either.
560
00:29:36,142 --> 00:29:38,577
Jesus.
561
00:29:38,677 --> 00:29:43,749
Canadians are always dreaming up
a lot of ways to ruin our lives.
562
00:29:43,850 --> 00:29:47,920
The metric system,
for the love of God!
563
00:29:48,020 --> 00:29:48,921
Celsius!
564
00:29:49,021 --> 00:29:50,489
Neil Young?
565
00:29:50,589 --> 00:29:52,424
By God, you're right, Gus.
566
00:29:52,524 --> 00:29:54,093
Of course!
It was crazy of us
567
00:29:54,193 --> 00:29:55,928
to have been
so blind for so long.
568
00:29:56,028 --> 00:29:58,230
We thought,
they're just Canadians.
569
00:29:58,330 --> 00:30:00,900
They're practically
the 51st state.
570
00:30:01,000 --> 00:30:01,901
We admired them.
571
00:30:02,001 --> 00:30:04,536
Clean streets,
no crime, no minorities.
572
00:30:04,636 --> 00:30:06,172
How'd they do that?
573
00:30:06,272 --> 00:30:07,940
No slavery.
574
00:30:08,040 --> 00:30:09,075
God, they're smart.
575
00:30:09,175 --> 00:30:12,511
Their entire government
is run by socialists.
576
00:30:12,611 --> 00:30:14,346
But it's not
the real pinko stuff.
577
00:30:14,446 --> 00:30:16,849
No! That's
where you're wrong.
578
00:30:16,949 --> 00:30:18,617
They've always
had these tendencies.
579
00:30:18,717 --> 00:30:20,887
"Capitalism must be
destroyed in all forms."
580
00:30:20,987 --> 00:30:22,054
What's this?
581
00:30:22,154 --> 00:30:25,424
We haven't been
paying attention.
582
00:30:25,524 --> 00:30:28,460
We think that, oh,
they're a little strange
583
00:30:28,560 --> 00:30:30,396
with the socialized
medicine stuff.
584
00:30:30,496 --> 00:30:34,066
But do you know they provide
free college to anyone?
585
00:30:34,166 --> 00:30:36,869
Free trains, free eyeglasses,
586
00:30:36,969 --> 00:30:38,337
free condoms?
587
00:30:38,437 --> 00:30:41,640
Jesus. Do your superiors
know about this?
588
00:30:41,740 --> 00:30:44,510
Ah, those gutless desk mammals.
589
00:30:44,610 --> 00:30:48,047
Ever since I told them we'd
finish the Bay of Pigs by 10:00,
590
00:30:48,147 --> 00:30:50,216
they've treated me like dirt.
591
00:30:50,316 --> 00:30:51,550
You've done a great job here.
592
00:30:51,650 --> 00:30:54,353
I'll make sure the President
knows of your fine work.
593
00:30:54,453 --> 00:30:55,888
Like I care!
594
00:30:57,456 --> 00:31:00,059
Canada?
Did you say Canada?
595
00:31:01,627 --> 00:31:04,263
The American people,
Mr. Smiley,
596
00:31:06,465 --> 00:31:08,968
would never, ever buy this.
597
00:31:09,068 --> 00:31:11,670
Mr. President,
the American people
598
00:31:11,770 --> 00:31:13,973
will buy whatever
we tell them to.
599
00:31:14,506 --> 00:31:15,942
You know that.
600
00:31:16,042 --> 00:31:19,811
Aren't you overlooking
one major obstacle,
601
00:31:19,946 --> 00:31:24,183
like how to get the average American
to hate and fear Canadians?
602
00:31:24,283 --> 00:31:25,952
Hell, they're whiter
than we are.
603
00:31:25,985 --> 00:31:28,955
Gentlemen, ladies,
allow me to clue you
604
00:31:29,021 --> 00:31:31,123
to a few rude awakenings.
605
00:31:31,223 --> 00:31:34,961
For those that think Canada
is a mom-and-pop operation,
606
00:31:35,027 --> 00:31:37,663
it's time to wake up
and smell the snow.
607
00:31:37,763 --> 00:31:42,068
Fact: Canada's now the
second-largest country in the world.
608
00:31:42,168 --> 00:31:46,638
Fact: Canadians freely cross over
our borders, walking among us…
609
00:31:46,738 --> 00:31:48,174
Undetected.
610
00:31:50,542 --> 00:31:53,379
How many of you knew that they
eliminated the Miss Canada contest?
611
00:31:53,479 --> 00:31:55,982
You're on to something here.
612
00:31:56,015 --> 00:31:59,718
Remember the Air Force C-130
that crashed mysteriously
613
00:31:59,818 --> 00:32:01,287
a few years ago?
614
00:32:01,387 --> 00:32:03,522
And that just happened to occur
615
00:32:03,622 --> 00:32:05,057
over Canada,
Mr. President.
616
00:32:06,425 --> 00:32:08,494
My God.
That's shocking.
617
00:32:08,594 --> 00:32:10,896
When did they
get rid of Miss Canada?
618
00:32:10,997 --> 00:32:12,298
A year ago.
619
00:32:12,398 --> 00:32:16,102
Suppose something like
that caught on down here.
620
00:32:16,202 --> 00:32:19,005
One week, Mr. President.
Give me one week,
621
00:32:19,071 --> 00:32:21,773
and I'll have Americans
burning maple leaves so fast,
622
00:32:21,873 --> 00:32:25,011
they won't have time to think
about their smog-filled lungs,
623
00:32:25,111 --> 00:32:28,647
rising interest rates, or their
dwindling savings accounts.
624
00:32:34,853 --> 00:32:36,288
One week, sir.
625
00:32:46,865 --> 00:32:47,866
Good evening.
626
00:32:48,034 --> 00:32:50,469
Edwin S. Simon reporting.
627
00:32:50,569 --> 00:32:53,539
NBS News has obtained
Pentagon documents
628
00:32:53,639 --> 00:32:56,042
that show our neighbor
to the north,
629
00:32:56,108 --> 00:32:58,044
the sovereign nation of Canada,
630
00:32:58,077 --> 00:33:02,548
has embarked on a military program
aimed at the United States.
631
00:33:02,648 --> 00:33:06,652
Canada, known for ages as
a polite and clean country,
632
00:33:06,752 --> 00:33:08,954
has, under a socialist majority,
633
00:33:09,055 --> 00:33:11,457
undertaken a massive
military buildup
634
00:33:11,557 --> 00:33:14,260
on its border
with the United States.
635
00:33:14,360 --> 00:33:15,761
I don't like Canada.
636
00:33:15,861 --> 00:33:17,796
It's freezing cold.
637
00:33:17,896 --> 00:33:20,666
Canada owns more of the U.S.
than any other country.
638
00:33:21,733 --> 00:33:23,369
The Canadians.
639
00:33:23,469 --> 00:33:25,204
They walk among us.
640
00:33:25,304 --> 00:33:26,838
William Shatner.
641
00:33:26,938 --> 00:33:28,474
Michael J. Fox.
642
00:33:28,574 --> 00:33:30,076
Monty Hall.
643
00:33:30,109 --> 00:33:31,510
Mike Myers.
644
00:33:31,610 --> 00:33:33,412
Alex Trebek.
645
00:33:33,512 --> 00:33:35,314
All of them Canadians.
646
00:33:35,414 --> 00:33:37,083
All of them here.
647
00:33:40,786 --> 00:33:43,122
Is Canadian prime minister
Clark MacDonald
648
00:33:43,222 --> 00:33:45,157
a member of a satanic cult?
649
00:33:45,257 --> 00:33:48,794
Most of Canada's
vast military technology
650
00:33:48,894 --> 00:33:53,199
has been built and supplied
by the United States.
651
00:33:53,299 --> 00:33:55,834
The Canadian National Tower
in Toronto,
652
00:33:55,934 --> 00:33:58,470
erected to transmit
nuclear attack warnings
653
00:33:58,570 --> 00:34:00,839
from radar stations
in northern Canada,
654
00:34:00,939 --> 00:34:03,875
is now solely in Canadian hands.
655
00:34:03,975 --> 00:34:07,213
It is the height of six
American football fields,
656
00:34:07,313 --> 00:34:09,948
or five Canadian
football fields.
657
00:34:10,116 --> 00:34:12,684
As if Canadian football
really counts.
658
00:34:12,784 --> 00:34:15,887
What would be
the psychological motivation
659
00:34:15,987 --> 00:34:20,326
to erect a huge,
long, rigid shaft?
660
00:34:20,426 --> 00:34:23,262
First, there is
no Canadian culture.
661
00:34:23,362 --> 00:34:26,798
I've never read
any Canadian literature.
662
00:34:26,898 --> 00:34:28,500
And when have you
heard anyone say,
663
00:34:28,600 --> 00:34:31,970
"Honey, let's stay in and
order some Canadian food?"
664
00:34:32,138 --> 00:34:35,441
Congress is also
asking intelligence agencies
665
00:34:35,541 --> 00:34:38,910
to investigate why
the Canadians maintain
666
00:34:39,010 --> 00:34:42,348
a threatening lead
in Zamboni technology.
667
00:34:42,448 --> 00:34:47,586
Think of your children pledging
allegiance to the maple leaf.
668
00:34:47,686 --> 00:34:50,222
Mayonnaise on everything.
669
00:34:50,322 --> 00:34:53,825
Winter, 11 months of the year.
670
00:34:54,693 --> 00:34:56,162
Anne Murray.
671
00:34:56,262 --> 00:34:57,663
All day.
672
00:34:57,763 --> 00:34:59,165
Every day.
673
00:35:02,634 --> 00:35:04,403
Holy shit.
674
00:35:06,372 --> 00:35:08,174
We're right on the border.
675
00:35:08,207 --> 00:35:09,508
We're the first line of defense.
676
00:35:10,809 --> 00:35:12,878
We have to get
everyone organized.
677
00:35:12,978 --> 00:35:14,246
All right, people!
678
00:35:14,346 --> 00:35:17,183
Do not panic!
I repeat, do not panic!
679
00:35:17,249 --> 00:35:18,717
I'm in complete control.
680
00:35:18,817 --> 00:35:21,653
Now, Honey, Kabral,
Roy Boy, and myself,
681
00:35:21,753 --> 00:35:23,922
we'll guard the hydro plant.
682
00:35:24,022 --> 00:35:26,892
Snake, you guard Ed's gun shop.
683
00:35:26,992 --> 00:35:28,594
Dell, the bowling alley.
684
00:35:28,694 --> 00:35:33,665
The rest of you, guard
this bar with your lives.
685
00:35:34,733 --> 00:35:36,202
Yeah.
686
00:35:36,235 --> 00:35:37,669
All right, people.
687
00:35:40,406 --> 00:35:42,073
Let's move out.
688
00:35:42,208 --> 00:35:45,611
♪ Fighting soldiers ♪
♪ from the sky ♪
689
00:35:47,913 --> 00:35:49,648
♪ Fearless men ♪
690
00:35:49,748 --> 00:35:51,817
♪ Who jump and die ♪
691
00:35:52,851 --> 00:35:54,420
♪ Men who mean ♪
692
00:35:55,421 --> 00:35:57,323
♪ Just what they say ♪
693
00:35:58,590 --> 00:35:59,725
♪ The brave men ♪
694
00:36:01,126 --> 00:36:02,928
♪ Of the green beret ♪
695
00:36:04,430 --> 00:36:05,864
♪ Silver wings ♪
696
00:36:07,065 --> 00:36:08,667
♪ Upon their chest ♪
697
00:36:10,068 --> 00:36:11,537
♪ These are men ♪
698
00:36:12,538 --> 00:36:14,240
♪ America's best ♪
699
00:36:15,407 --> 00:36:16,908
♪ 100 men ♪
700
00:36:18,277 --> 00:36:19,845
♪ Will test today ♪
701
00:36:21,112 --> 00:36:22,714
♪ But only three ♪
702
00:36:24,015 --> 00:36:25,817
♪ Win the green beret ♪
703
00:36:26,852 --> 00:36:28,687
♪ Put silver wings ♪
704
00:36:29,788 --> 00:36:31,357
♪ On my son's chest ♪
705
00:36:32,958 --> 00:36:34,493
♪ Make him one ♪
706
00:36:35,594 --> 00:36:37,396
♪ Of America's best ♪
707
00:36:38,464 --> 00:36:39,731
♪ He'll be a man ♪
708
00:36:41,333 --> 00:36:43,269
♪ They'll test one day ♪
709
00:36:44,570 --> 00:36:46,272
♪ Have him win ♪
710
00:36:47,138 --> 00:36:48,740
♪ The green beret ♪
711
00:36:53,512 --> 00:36:54,946
Now, who would've thought?
712
00:36:55,046 --> 00:36:58,717
America against
the scary Canadians.
713
00:37:00,719 --> 00:37:01,820
Boy, I'm good.
714
00:37:01,920 --> 00:37:03,889
I'm going to let you
in on a little secret.
715
00:37:06,057 --> 00:37:07,293
Mmm!
716
00:37:08,594 --> 00:37:09,928
Mmm, Christ.
717
00:37:16,635 --> 00:37:18,904
The American public's
attention span
718
00:37:19,004 --> 00:37:21,072
is about as long as your dick.
719
00:37:21,172 --> 00:37:24,209
You have got to give
Americans something real,
720
00:37:24,310 --> 00:37:25,877
something they can
get their teeth into,
721
00:37:25,977 --> 00:37:29,515
something that will make
them cry, "Bloody murder!"
722
00:37:29,615 --> 00:37:33,752
Americans will not go
to war, even a Cold War,
723
00:37:33,852 --> 00:37:38,324
unless they truly believe that
their very lives are threatened.
724
00:37:40,058 --> 00:37:42,093
What do you have in mind?
725
00:37:42,193 --> 00:37:44,330
Back in the early 1960s,
726
00:37:44,363 --> 00:37:46,798
my old buddy
Lyndon Johnson says,
727
00:37:46,898 --> 00:37:49,835
"Boys, why don't we just
bomb one of our own ships"
728
00:37:49,935 --> 00:37:52,137
"and blame it on
the North Vietnamese?"
729
00:37:52,237 --> 00:37:55,941
We did. We shelled a U.S.
Navy ship
730
00:37:56,041 --> 00:37:57,476
in the Gulf of Tonkin.
731
00:37:57,576 --> 00:38:00,712
At least, that's
what we told everybody.
732
00:38:00,812 --> 00:38:04,550
As far as I know, that damn boat was
out in the middle of Lake Erie.
733
00:38:04,650 --> 00:38:05,817
But,
734
00:38:07,686 --> 00:38:11,723
24 hours later the U.S.
Senate voted 98 to 2
735
00:38:12,724 --> 00:38:14,460
to send troops to Vietnam.
736
00:38:16,662 --> 00:38:17,829
That's an amazing story.
737
00:38:17,929 --> 00:38:21,667
That's the truth,
and it can still work.
738
00:38:26,372 --> 00:38:28,106
Like maple syrup,
739
00:38:28,206 --> 00:38:32,644
Canada's evil oozes
over the United States.
740
00:38:32,744 --> 00:38:35,981
How long will we remain
silent to the screams?
741
00:38:36,948 --> 00:38:38,884
Oh, that is stunning.
742
00:38:40,386 --> 00:38:43,154
Everyone knows what it's like
to get syrup on your fingers.
743
00:38:43,254 --> 00:38:45,457
This guy's ingenious.
I mean…
744
00:38:45,557 --> 00:38:47,526
Mr. President,
Canadian Prime Minister!
745
00:38:50,529 --> 00:38:51,597
Clark?
746
00:38:52,598 --> 00:38:54,400
How's Claire?
747
00:38:54,433 --> 00:38:56,902
You were just watching
on NBS, really?
748
00:38:57,002 --> 00:38:58,470
I don't know what to think.
749
00:38:58,570 --> 00:39:02,240
Looks like you people
are planning something nasty.
750
00:39:02,408 --> 00:39:03,809
Mmm, mmm, mmm.
751
00:39:03,909 --> 00:39:07,579
What? If you feel that
way about it, goodbye.
752
00:39:10,181 --> 00:39:12,418
I like this.
753
00:39:12,484 --> 00:39:15,487
I think now may be the
time to turn up the heat.
754
00:39:15,587 --> 00:39:17,055
What do you mean?
755
00:39:17,155 --> 00:39:19,124
Well, what if…
I'm just spitballing here.
756
00:39:19,224 --> 00:39:20,291
That's okay.
Go ahead.
757
00:39:20,426 --> 00:39:23,161
A Canadian hit squad,
i.e., trained professionals,
758
00:39:23,261 --> 00:39:24,863
who looked like Canadians,
759
00:39:24,963 --> 00:39:29,501
were photographed sabotaging an
important installation inside the U.S.
760
00:39:29,601 --> 00:39:31,537
Let's go there
with a strike force,
761
00:39:31,637 --> 00:39:33,071
knock out their infrastructure
762
00:39:33,171 --> 00:39:35,507
quicker than you can say,
"Collateral damage."
763
00:39:35,607 --> 00:39:36,708
No.
No.
764
00:39:36,808 --> 00:39:38,043
Why not?
Yeah, why not?
765
00:39:38,143 --> 00:39:41,480
A war with Canada
would be over in days.
766
00:39:41,580 --> 00:39:42,848
Remember Grenada?
767
00:39:42,948 --> 00:39:44,115
They didn't even wake Reagan up.
768
00:39:44,215 --> 00:39:45,451
Didn't have to.
769
00:39:45,517 --> 00:39:48,954
All we found were rich
American med school rejects
770
00:39:49,054 --> 00:39:50,922
and a couple of
Cuban construction workers.
771
00:39:51,022 --> 00:39:53,692
That's liberal bullshit. Cuba
had a division in there.
772
00:39:53,792 --> 00:39:55,193
What about Panama?
773
00:39:55,293 --> 00:39:56,862
Right. Listen to this.
774
00:39:56,962 --> 00:40:00,365
A few days of blasting Def
Leppard over loudspeakers,
775
00:40:00,466 --> 00:40:02,233
and Noriega ran out weeping.
776
00:40:02,468 --> 00:40:03,669
And Iraq? Ha!
777
00:40:03,769 --> 00:40:04,770
Ha.
778
00:40:04,870 --> 00:40:07,706
They were supposed to
have this big, bad army.
779
00:40:07,806 --> 00:40:10,041
They had the biggest cannon,
invented by a Canadian.
780
00:40:10,976 --> 00:40:12,644
72 hours after we invade,
781
00:40:12,744 --> 00:40:14,245
they're begging for a big Mac.
782
00:40:14,345 --> 00:40:16,381
They stopped us a hundred
miles short of Baghdad.
783
00:40:16,482 --> 00:40:19,585
We just sat there waving
our dicks at the desert.
784
00:40:20,819 --> 00:40:23,154
Mr. President,
do you want more of that,
785
00:40:23,254 --> 00:40:25,924
or 50 years of
Cold War prosperity
786
00:40:26,024 --> 00:40:28,860
because Joe Schmoe American
is scared shitless
787
00:40:28,960 --> 00:40:31,763
the world's going to end
before the next commercial?
788
00:40:35,000 --> 00:40:37,636
Well, I think I like
Mr. Smiley's approach.
789
00:40:37,736 --> 00:40:40,171
Oh! No, no. I really like it.
790
00:40:40,271 --> 00:40:41,773
Here's what we're going to do.
791
00:40:41,873 --> 00:40:43,308
We'll get some Special Ops.
792
00:40:43,408 --> 00:40:45,276
We'll disguise them as Canadians
793
00:40:45,376 --> 00:40:47,579
and let them blow something up.
794
00:40:47,679 --> 00:40:49,314
But nothing valuable, okay?
795
00:40:49,414 --> 00:40:50,949
No casualties, all right?
796
00:40:51,049 --> 00:40:54,986
There will be no casualties,
and Canada gets the blame.
797
00:41:09,735 --> 00:41:11,637
Come on.
Step on the gas!
798
00:41:11,737 --> 00:41:13,404
Double time.
Double time.
799
00:41:13,539 --> 00:41:17,576
We're just minutes away from blowing
this hydro plant to kingdom come.
800
00:41:17,676 --> 00:41:19,545
Ha! I'm back!
801
00:41:37,563 --> 00:41:39,565
You got them down there?
802
00:41:44,435 --> 00:41:48,907
Wait till those SOBs back at Langley
see this on the nightly news.
803
00:41:50,709 --> 00:41:52,611
Freeze! The both of you!
804
00:41:52,711 --> 00:41:55,313
Don't move.
Don't anybody move.
805
00:41:55,413 --> 00:41:57,916
Honey, Canadians on the east wing.
Bring the boys, quick!
806
00:41:58,016 --> 00:42:00,586
Who the hell are you?
Who the hell are you?
807
00:42:02,220 --> 00:42:04,590
Get out! Go on!
Look what we found!
808
00:42:04,623 --> 00:42:05,891
Get your hands up there.
809
00:42:05,991 --> 00:42:07,693
Come on!
Hey, spread 'em!
810
00:42:07,793 --> 00:42:09,194
Come on.
Spread 'em! Let's go!
811
00:42:09,294 --> 00:42:11,630
Under the articles of
the Fifth Geneva Convention,
812
00:42:11,730 --> 00:42:13,732
and with the powers
invested in me by…
813
00:42:13,832 --> 00:42:16,735
Would you please shut up?
We're American!
814
00:42:16,835 --> 00:42:19,304
Who plays quarterback for
the St. Louis Cardinals?
815
00:42:19,404 --> 00:42:20,839
I have no idea.
816
00:42:20,939 --> 00:42:22,974
There ain't no more
St. Louis Cardinals!
817
00:42:23,074 --> 00:42:24,743
They moved to Phoenix!
818
00:42:24,843 --> 00:42:27,178
Wait.
Give us another one.
819
00:42:27,278 --> 00:42:28,446
Sorry. Time's up!
820
00:42:28,614 --> 00:42:31,282
Cuff 'em!
Frisk these canucks!
821
00:42:31,382 --> 00:42:36,021
Then call the CIA, the FBI,
the DA, and the ASPCA,
822
00:42:36,121 --> 00:42:37,889
and call Channel 5.
823
00:42:37,989 --> 00:42:39,625
You're going to be on TV.
824
00:42:42,360 --> 00:42:44,429
The nation remains stunned today
825
00:42:44,529 --> 00:42:47,198
after the capture
of secret Canadian agents
826
00:42:47,298 --> 00:42:50,702
who were attempting to blow
up the hydroelectric plant
827
00:42:50,802 --> 00:42:52,337
in Niagara Falls, New York.
828
00:42:52,437 --> 00:42:54,139
The Canadians were apprehended
829
00:42:54,239 --> 00:42:57,008
by Niagara Sheriff,
Bud B. Boomer.
830
00:42:57,108 --> 00:42:58,043
Move! Move! Move!
831
00:42:58,143 --> 00:42:59,210
Right.
832
00:42:59,310 --> 00:43:01,212
Our correspondent,
Charles Jackal,
833
00:43:01,312 --> 00:43:03,048
who is rejoining us
834
00:43:03,148 --> 00:43:04,716
after a stint
at the Betty Ford Clinic,
835
00:43:04,816 --> 00:43:06,785
kicks off our team coverage.
836
00:43:06,885 --> 00:43:09,688
Chuck, it's great
to have you back.
837
00:43:10,555 --> 00:43:11,990
And it's great to be back.
838
00:43:13,759 --> 00:43:16,728
I want to apologize for the hurt
I may have caused that night
839
00:43:16,828 --> 00:43:18,329
to so many of you,
840
00:43:18,429 --> 00:43:21,299
especially those who were
standing too close to the curb.
841
00:43:23,501 --> 00:43:24,302
You know who you are.
842
00:43:25,804 --> 00:43:26,872
Forgive me.
843
00:43:29,107 --> 00:43:31,743
Ed, it's a startling revelation.
844
00:43:31,843 --> 00:43:33,211
Canada, getting ready to invade,
845
00:43:33,311 --> 00:43:35,446
has amassed 90%
of its population
846
00:43:35,546 --> 00:43:37,783
along its border
with the United States.
847
00:43:37,883 --> 00:43:40,485
The longest unprotected
border in the world,
848
00:43:40,585 --> 00:43:43,354
stretching from
the Atlantic Ocean
849
00:43:43,454 --> 00:43:44,723
to that other one.
850
00:43:48,760 --> 00:43:50,428
You'll be pleased to know, sir,
851
00:43:50,528 --> 00:43:52,330
that the Hacker Hellstorm
852
00:43:52,430 --> 00:43:55,834
was delivered to and installed
in Toronto yesterday.
853
00:43:55,934 --> 00:43:57,836
Good work.
Good work, boy.
854
00:43:58,937 --> 00:44:00,872
When I found you,
855
00:44:00,972 --> 00:44:02,841
I said to myself,
856
00:44:02,941 --> 00:44:06,011
"I can make something out of
that sniveling little sneak."
857
00:44:06,111 --> 00:44:08,279
Yes, sir.
858
00:44:08,379 --> 00:44:12,117
Sir, what exactly is
the Hacker Hellstorm?
859
00:44:13,719 --> 00:44:16,321
I'm just curious
since I sold it and all.
860
00:44:17,756 --> 00:44:20,491
Well, that's fair enough, Stu.
861
00:44:20,591 --> 00:44:23,061
The Hacker Hellstorm
is a devastating weapon,
862
00:44:24,429 --> 00:44:26,431
a destabilizing weapon,
863
00:44:26,531 --> 00:44:29,000
and it is capable
864
00:44:29,100 --> 00:44:32,771
of launching all the missiles
in the United States
865
00:44:32,871 --> 00:44:34,539
at once.
Really?
866
00:44:34,639 --> 00:44:37,743
But the Canadians will
never, ever use it.
867
00:44:37,843 --> 00:44:39,210
How can you be so sure?
868
00:44:39,310 --> 00:44:42,147
Because I didn't give them
the operating codes.
869
00:44:44,215 --> 00:44:45,316
Really?
870
00:44:45,416 --> 00:44:47,185
They think it gives them an edge
871
00:44:47,285 --> 00:44:49,755
on high-tech
weather forecasting.
872
00:44:50,756 --> 00:44:52,257
Uh-huh.
873
00:44:52,357 --> 00:44:56,795
So the Hellstorm
is harmless, yes?
874
00:44:59,364 --> 00:45:00,398
Ah, Stuey.
875
00:45:05,603 --> 00:45:06,772
Honey!
876
00:45:15,346 --> 00:45:16,882
Honey!
877
00:45:20,351 --> 00:45:21,319
What the…
878
00:45:24,489 --> 00:45:25,857
Holy shit.
879
00:45:28,026 --> 00:45:29,327
What the hell?
880
00:45:35,000 --> 00:45:36,802
Honey?
Shh!
881
00:45:39,137 --> 00:45:40,872
Kabral.
882
00:45:40,972 --> 00:45:43,308
What does this look like to you?
883
00:45:43,408 --> 00:45:47,412
Got me. I never saw
a white one that size.
884
00:45:47,512 --> 00:45:48,413
It's the Canadian
National Tower.
885
00:45:49,580 --> 00:45:51,249
Maybe I better carry the guns.
886
00:45:51,349 --> 00:45:53,318
Where we going?
887
00:45:53,418 --> 00:45:55,320
Boomer's got a special
mission for us.
888
00:45:55,420 --> 00:45:57,823
Says Canadians are too
clean for their own good.
889
00:45:57,923 --> 00:45:59,557
We're crossing over.
To Canada?
890
00:45:59,657 --> 00:46:01,492
Yep. We're
going in tonight
891
00:46:01,592 --> 00:46:03,995
to kick some Canadian butt.
892
00:46:05,030 --> 00:46:06,097
Can we go to the Tower?
893
00:46:06,197 --> 00:46:07,866
No. I don't think so.
894
00:46:14,372 --> 00:46:15,540
Cut the engine.
It's making too much noise.
895
00:46:19,544 --> 00:46:20,879
What did you say?
896
00:46:20,979 --> 00:46:22,347
We have to be very quiet.
897
00:46:22,447 --> 00:46:24,449
We're all going
to have to paddle.
898
00:46:24,549 --> 00:46:26,451
Get those oars in the water.
899
00:46:26,551 --> 00:46:27,752
Go on.
Put your back into it.
900
00:46:27,853 --> 00:46:30,221
Nice and easy.
There you go.
901
00:46:34,692 --> 00:46:36,561
Ladies and gentlemen,
welcome to Canada.
902
00:46:44,769 --> 00:46:46,471
This'll drive them crazy!
903
00:46:50,075 --> 00:46:53,578
There is no more heinous
crime than this in Canada.
904
00:46:53,678 --> 00:46:55,446
Are you sure we're in Canada?
905
00:46:55,546 --> 00:46:57,115
Do you smell anything?
906
00:46:57,215 --> 00:46:59,150
No.
Exactly. Canada!
907
00:47:01,319 --> 00:47:04,689
Hey, those look like my socks.
That isn't garbage!
908
00:47:04,789 --> 00:47:07,325
That's my laundry.
Roy Boy, you idiot!
909
00:47:07,425 --> 00:47:08,994
Pick this up!
910
00:47:09,094 --> 00:47:11,162
You stupid jerk,
what are you doing?
911
00:47:11,262 --> 00:47:12,563
My good stuff.
912
00:47:12,663 --> 00:47:15,300
Hello, who goes there?
913
00:47:15,400 --> 00:47:16,567
Freeze!
914
00:47:16,667 --> 00:47:17,468
Johnny Canuck!
915
00:47:17,568 --> 00:47:20,371
Leave the park immediately
916
00:47:20,471 --> 00:47:21,472
and go back to
where you came from.
917
00:47:21,572 --> 00:47:24,943
Scatter! Everybody
back to the boat!
918
00:47:26,912 --> 00:47:30,448
Sir, you can't end your
sentence with a preposition.
919
00:47:30,548 --> 00:47:31,416
Oh, really?
920
00:47:36,287 --> 00:47:38,156
Well, what would you say?
921
00:47:38,256 --> 00:47:40,658
Well, I guess I'd say either,
922
00:47:40,758 --> 00:47:42,327
"Go back from where you came,"
923
00:47:42,427 --> 00:47:44,429
or the preferred
Queen's English,
924
00:47:44,529 --> 00:47:46,264
"Go back, thee,
from whence thou came."
925
00:47:49,667 --> 00:47:50,801
Oh, man, that was close.
926
00:47:50,936 --> 00:47:54,472
We were staring death
right in its face!
927
00:47:57,542 --> 00:48:00,378
So, uh… Where's Honey?
928
00:48:08,519 --> 00:48:10,121
Oh, man, we forgot Honey!
929
00:48:11,756 --> 00:48:13,758
I left Honey behind!
930
00:48:13,858 --> 00:48:14,960
We left a man behind.
931
00:48:15,060 --> 00:48:17,828
Boomer left a man behind!
932
00:48:17,963 --> 00:48:20,098
The Marines never
leave a man behind.
933
00:48:20,198 --> 00:48:21,967
Chuck Norris never
left a man behind.
934
00:48:22,033 --> 00:48:24,502
Wesley Snipes never
leaves a man behind!
935
00:48:24,602 --> 00:48:25,971
She's all alone
behind enemy lines.
936
00:48:26,004 --> 00:48:27,005
I got to think!
937
00:48:27,805 --> 00:48:30,208
She's going to be fine.
938
00:48:30,308 --> 00:48:31,042
She's a survivor.
She's strong!
939
00:48:37,348 --> 00:48:38,683
Hope she doesn't kill anybody.
940
00:48:44,255 --> 00:48:47,058
We interrupt our
regularly-scheduled program
941
00:48:47,158 --> 00:48:50,161
and go live to the President
of the United States.
942
00:48:51,729 --> 00:48:55,200
We have just learned that
the Canadian government
943
00:48:55,300 --> 00:48:58,836
is holding an American
citizen hostage.
944
00:48:59,004 --> 00:49:03,074
I have communicated with the
Canadian Prime Minister
945
00:49:03,174 --> 00:49:07,212
our demand that this
hostage, this woman,
946
00:49:07,312 --> 00:49:12,617
uh, hostage Honey,
must be released now!
947
00:49:12,717 --> 00:49:14,419
Oh, my God. Honey!
948
00:49:14,519 --> 00:49:15,886
To facilitate this,
949
00:49:16,021 --> 00:49:20,691
I've ordered our
armed forces on alert,
950
00:49:20,791 --> 00:49:24,029
and I've ordered them
to prepare to engage
951
00:49:24,129 --> 00:49:26,731
in Operation Canadian Bacon.
952
00:49:28,266 --> 00:49:32,103
And I want to say to
Prime Minister MacDonald,
953
00:49:32,203 --> 00:49:36,707
"Surrender her pronto,
or we'll level Toronto."
954
00:49:38,876 --> 00:49:41,312
God bless America.
955
00:49:41,412 --> 00:49:42,947
God bless America.
956
00:49:43,048 --> 00:49:44,282
God bless you,
Mr. President.
957
00:49:47,552 --> 00:49:48,619
Oh, Honey.
958
00:49:48,719 --> 00:49:51,556
♪ And, honey, I miss you ♪
959
00:49:53,891 --> 00:49:57,295
♪ And I'm being good ♪
960
00:49:59,797 --> 00:50:02,400
♪ And I'd love ♪
♪ to be with you ♪
961
00:50:05,103 --> 00:50:07,572
♪ If only I could ♪
962
00:50:07,672 --> 00:50:13,444
This just got in. We have received
amateur videotape of hostage Honey.
963
00:50:13,544 --> 00:50:14,812
Roy Boy, Kabral, quick!
964
00:50:14,912 --> 00:50:16,247
Huh?
Honey!
965
00:50:16,347 --> 00:50:17,615
Boomer!
966
00:50:17,715 --> 00:50:20,085
Traitor!
You Benedict Arnold!
967
00:50:20,185 --> 00:50:22,620
You took off and left me here…
968
00:50:22,720 --> 00:50:24,055
Oh, she's pissed.
969
00:50:25,123 --> 00:50:27,925
You think?
970
00:50:28,025 --> 00:50:29,594
I'll rip out every bone in your body!
She's mad at you, Boomer.
971
00:50:29,694 --> 00:50:31,629
Boomer, you hear me?
972
00:50:31,729 --> 00:50:35,733
She is being held at Mountie
Headquarters in Niagara Falls, Canada.
973
00:50:35,833 --> 00:50:38,769
Sources in the
intelligence community
974
00:50:38,869 --> 00:50:44,675
speculate that Canada may be
preparing to terminate her,
975
00:50:44,775 --> 00:50:48,513
which would certainly be in keeping
with what we know about the Canadians.
976
00:50:48,613 --> 00:50:49,847
Terminate?
977
00:50:49,947 --> 00:50:52,350
This is no less
than an act of war.
978
00:50:52,450 --> 00:50:56,654
There's a time to think
and a time to act,
979
00:50:56,754 --> 00:51:00,458
and this, gentlemen,
is no time to think.
980
00:51:01,926 --> 00:51:04,429
We'll have one more
round, and then we'll go.
981
00:51:04,529 --> 00:51:05,796
Chester!
982
00:51:05,896 --> 00:51:07,132
Another round.
983
00:51:07,198 --> 00:51:09,667
Same thing.
984
00:51:09,767 --> 00:51:10,801
Gives Honey a chance
to cool off a little bit.
985
00:51:10,901 --> 00:51:12,337
Yeah, we know.
986
00:51:12,803 --> 00:51:13,704
Yeah.
987
00:51:41,666 --> 00:51:43,668
Come on.
Out of the way.
988
00:51:43,768 --> 00:51:45,470
There's not a locked door
in the whole country.
989
00:51:45,570 --> 00:51:46,504
Let's go!
990
00:52:10,761 --> 00:52:13,264
I don't want to have to drop first
blood, but I will if I have to!
991
00:52:13,364 --> 00:52:15,200
I mean it, I'll hurt you.
992
00:52:15,266 --> 00:52:18,102
Everybody down on the ground,
and no one will be hurt!
993
00:52:18,203 --> 00:52:22,240
The elk, the beaver, and
the moose are man's best friends.
994
00:52:23,674 --> 00:52:25,210
All right, Pops,
995
00:52:25,876 --> 00:52:27,678
who's in charge?
996
00:52:27,778 --> 00:52:30,448
Just the two of us,
just Ruthie and me.
997
00:52:30,548 --> 00:52:32,517
No other personnel
in the whole building?
998
00:52:32,617 --> 00:52:34,585
No. We're
the night shift.
999
00:52:34,685 --> 00:52:36,521
Excuse me, ma'am,
1000
00:52:36,621 --> 00:52:38,756
there's not
another control room?
1001
00:52:38,856 --> 00:52:40,225
No, dear, this is it.
1002
00:52:40,891 --> 00:52:41,992
Thank you.
1003
00:52:42,092 --> 00:52:45,230
Boomer, maybe
we better just go, huh?
1004
00:52:45,263 --> 00:52:46,664
Stand your ground, soldier!
1005
00:52:46,764 --> 00:52:48,233
Oh, brother.
1006
00:52:48,333 --> 00:52:50,668
Now, let me get this straight.
1007
00:52:50,768 --> 00:52:54,239
You're telling me that
you two are responsible
1008
00:52:54,339 --> 00:52:57,808
for supplying all the electricity
to your entire nation?
1009
00:52:57,908 --> 00:52:59,544
That's about the size of it.
1010
00:52:59,644 --> 00:53:02,046
Oh, Dad.
1011
00:53:02,146 --> 00:53:03,848
Does he ever like to brag.
1012
00:53:05,783 --> 00:53:07,285
Put those needles down,
1013
00:53:07,385 --> 00:53:09,254
nice and easy,
where I can see them.
1014
00:53:09,687 --> 00:53:10,988
Spread out!
1015
00:53:11,088 --> 00:53:13,724
Find the power source for
the Mountie Headquarters.
1016
00:53:19,597 --> 00:53:22,800
I'm going to ask you
one more time.
1017
00:53:22,900 --> 00:53:24,969
Where is the power switch
1018
00:53:25,069 --> 00:53:27,905
to the Royal Canadian
Mounted Police Headquarters?
1019
00:53:28,005 --> 00:53:30,675
You're going to tell me
sooner or later.
1020
00:53:30,775 --> 00:53:33,110
Now, we can do it my way,
1021
00:53:33,278 --> 00:53:35,079
which is very nice right now,
1022
00:53:35,179 --> 00:53:37,282
or we can do it their way,
1023
00:53:37,382 --> 00:53:39,284
which you're not going to like.
1024
00:53:55,165 --> 00:53:59,637
You Canadians are so sneaky.
1025
00:53:59,737 --> 00:54:03,374
Don't touch that. You'll
black out most of Canada!
1026
00:54:04,809 --> 00:54:06,076
Yeah, right.
1027
00:54:06,176 --> 00:54:08,413
What do we look like, jerks?
1028
00:54:08,513 --> 00:54:09,447
Please!
1029
00:54:10,448 --> 00:54:11,682
You screwed up now.
1030
00:54:11,782 --> 00:54:13,318
I'll be the judge of that!
1031
00:54:20,090 --> 00:54:22,226
All right.
Let's move out.
1032
00:54:22,327 --> 00:54:25,162
And you, don't tell
anybody we was here.
1033
00:54:25,363 --> 00:54:26,364
Come on!
1034
00:54:29,700 --> 00:54:32,337
You know, I could
get to like this.
1035
00:54:32,437 --> 00:54:33,371
Really?
1036
00:54:38,042 --> 00:54:39,977
On these screens here,
Mr. President.
1037
00:54:41,078 --> 00:54:42,347
What is this?
What's happening?
1038
00:54:42,447 --> 00:54:44,482
All of Canada
is going dark, sir.
1039
00:54:44,582 --> 00:54:46,484
What do you make of this?
1040
00:54:46,584 --> 00:54:48,886
I'll tell you,
but you'll dislike it.
1041
00:54:48,986 --> 00:54:50,555
Mr. President,
Prime Minister MacDonald,
1042
00:54:50,655 --> 00:54:51,756
calling from Ottawa.
1043
00:54:51,856 --> 00:54:52,823
Yes…
1044
00:54:54,825 --> 00:54:56,361
Clark, hi.
1045
00:54:58,128 --> 00:55:00,598
Now, why would we want
to cut off your power?
1046
00:55:02,066 --> 00:55:03,601
No. What… Calm down.
1047
00:55:04,435 --> 00:55:06,236
Calm…
1048
00:55:06,371 --> 00:55:09,940
No. If we were up to something,
we would have mined your harbors.
1049
00:55:10,040 --> 00:55:11,075
Damn right.
1050
00:55:12,009 --> 00:55:13,644
What? Who?
1051
00:55:16,447 --> 00:55:18,015
Yeah, I see. Yeah.
1052
00:55:18,115 --> 00:55:21,018
We'll check this out,
and we'll get back to you.
1053
00:55:21,118 --> 00:55:22,219
Goodbye!
1054
00:55:22,387 --> 00:55:24,154
You're not going
to believe this.
1055
00:55:24,254 --> 00:55:27,425
That same goddamned sheriff
from Niagara Falls,
1056
00:55:27,525 --> 00:55:29,460
that hero…
1057
00:55:30,027 --> 00:55:31,996
Bud Boomer.
1058
00:55:32,096 --> 00:55:34,131
He's the one responsible
for the blackout.
1059
00:55:34,231 --> 00:55:36,401
Boomer? Oh, sir.
That's bullshit!
1060
00:55:36,434 --> 00:55:38,803
This is a Canadian trick.
1061
00:55:38,903 --> 00:55:41,939
Blame us, get world sympathy,
and make it impossible
1062
00:55:42,039 --> 00:55:44,409
for our night-attack bombers
to locate their cities
1063
00:55:44,509 --> 00:55:46,110
and destroy their inhabitants.
1064
00:55:46,210 --> 00:55:48,846
God, sir, that's the
oldest trick in the book!
1065
00:56:00,290 --> 00:56:03,661
"Thank you
for sleeping so quietly."
1066
00:56:05,430 --> 00:56:06,764
"I love you."
1067
00:56:09,534 --> 00:56:11,436
"Even though you're a criminal."
1068
00:56:15,873 --> 00:56:18,776
"Thank you for keeping
your cell clean."
1069
00:56:20,678 --> 00:56:22,112
"I"
1070
00:56:22,212 --> 00:56:23,548
"miss you."
1071
00:56:27,852 --> 00:56:29,086
Welcome to Canada.
1072
00:56:29,186 --> 00:56:31,456
Hold it right there, canuck.
1073
00:56:32,322 --> 00:56:33,458
Who are you?
1074
00:56:34,759 --> 00:56:36,861
I'm your worst nightmare.
1075
00:56:36,961 --> 00:56:39,830
I'm a citizen with a
constitutional right to bear arms.
1076
00:56:41,699 --> 00:56:43,668
Take the pelts.
Take whatever you want.
1077
00:56:43,768 --> 00:56:46,336
We don't want
your stinking pelts.
1078
00:56:46,471 --> 00:56:48,839
Have some fudge.
Just leave me alone.
1079
00:56:48,939 --> 00:56:50,541
Didn't you hear him?
1080
00:56:50,641 --> 00:56:51,942
We're your worst nightmare.
1081
00:56:53,811 --> 00:56:58,516
My worst nightmare involved
a pack of rabid wolves.
1082
00:56:58,616 --> 00:57:01,051
I was stuck somewhere
in the Yukon,
1083
00:57:01,151 --> 00:57:03,788
and there were
tall, skinny rabbits,
1084
00:57:03,888 --> 00:57:05,690
and they were drinking heavily.
1085
00:57:06,924 --> 00:57:08,693
Just shut up!
1086
00:57:08,793 --> 00:57:11,228
We want your prisoner.
Where is she?
1087
00:57:11,328 --> 00:57:13,163
I don't know what
you're talking aboot, eh.
1088
00:57:14,098 --> 00:57:16,066
"Aboot?" It's "about!"
1089
00:57:16,166 --> 00:57:17,768
What we're talking about!
1090
00:57:17,868 --> 00:57:19,570
And enough of
that "eh" business.
1091
00:57:19,670 --> 00:57:22,072
Learn to talk right, understand?
1092
00:57:22,172 --> 00:57:24,742
We got ways of making you
pronounce the letter "o."
1093
00:57:24,842 --> 00:57:26,644
I want my Honey!
1094
00:57:26,744 --> 00:57:28,345
Now, get the keys
for the cells now.
1095
00:57:28,546 --> 00:57:29,547
Now!
1096
00:57:30,014 --> 00:57:31,015
Easy.
1097
00:57:31,115 --> 00:57:32,917
Easy.
1098
00:57:33,017 --> 00:57:34,151
Okay, Mr. Canuck.
1099
00:57:35,252 --> 00:57:37,154
Mr. Two-time
World Series winner.
1100
00:57:37,254 --> 00:57:38,856
Hey, watch that fancy move!
1101
00:57:40,725 --> 00:57:43,528
See? This is all
the prisoners we have.
1102
00:57:43,594 --> 00:57:48,766
This man was arrested for putting
regular gas into an unleaded tank.
1103
00:57:48,866 --> 00:57:50,668
Where do you think you're going?
1104
00:57:50,768 --> 00:57:53,270
I'm going over to show
you the next guy.
1105
00:57:53,370 --> 00:57:55,640
Easy. One step at a time.
1106
00:57:55,740 --> 00:57:59,877
This man was arrested for
being in too many bad moods.
1107
00:58:02,947 --> 00:58:06,617
I got you covered. I got you covered.
I got you covered, buddy.
1108
00:58:06,717 --> 00:58:10,287
This man raided a company,
merged it with his conglomerate,
1109
00:58:10,387 --> 00:58:12,322
and then fired
all the employees.
1110
00:58:12,422 --> 00:58:13,858
Get away from the bars,
you scum!
1111
00:58:13,958 --> 00:58:15,025
Boomer!
1112
00:58:15,125 --> 00:58:16,260
Hold on, Jack.
1113
00:58:18,262 --> 00:58:20,698
Now, you tell us where Honey is.
1114
00:58:20,798 --> 00:58:22,667
Let me paint a picture
for you, buddy.
1115
00:58:22,767 --> 00:58:25,102
She's petite,
extremely beautiful,
1116
00:58:25,936 --> 00:58:28,238
and heavily armed.
1117
00:58:28,338 --> 00:58:30,407
Wait. You mean
the litterbug.
1118
00:58:30,575 --> 00:58:32,042
They took her to the capital
1119
00:58:32,142 --> 00:58:35,412
to give her a free
mental health examination.
1120
00:58:35,580 --> 00:58:37,982
Good.
The capital, Toronto.
1121
00:58:38,082 --> 00:58:41,719
No. The capital
of Canada is Ottawa.
1122
00:58:44,755 --> 00:58:45,856
Yeah, right.
1123
00:58:47,124 --> 00:58:48,593
Do we look that stupid?
1124
00:58:53,097 --> 00:58:54,031
Ottawa!
1125
00:58:55,432 --> 00:58:57,067
Nice try, Dudley.
1126
00:58:57,167 --> 00:58:59,870
All right, boys!
We're going to Toronto.
1127
00:59:01,739 --> 00:59:02,807
The capital.
1128
00:59:10,848 --> 00:59:12,282
Do you want some water?
1129
00:59:13,083 --> 00:59:14,251
Mmm-hmm.
1130
00:59:15,419 --> 00:59:16,320
Too bad.
1131
00:59:17,655 --> 00:59:18,789
Gentlemen.
1132
00:59:21,125 --> 00:59:23,628
Let's take the truck.
1133
00:59:26,764 --> 00:59:27,698
Let's go!
1134
00:59:30,367 --> 00:59:31,836
Hey, Boomer?
1135
00:59:33,203 --> 00:59:34,972
Yeah? What's wrong?
1136
00:59:35,072 --> 00:59:36,641
I got an idea.
1137
00:59:37,708 --> 00:59:38,776
Oh, yeah.
1138
00:59:39,409 --> 00:59:41,111
Oh, yeah.
1139
00:59:41,211 --> 00:59:44,248
Mr. President, I think we should
look on the positive side.
1140
00:59:44,348 --> 00:59:47,785
What we have is a brave but
misguided group of Americans
1141
00:59:47,885 --> 00:59:51,155
who've gone into Canada and kicked
some serious Canadian butt.
1142
00:59:51,255 --> 00:59:52,489
Well, we've got to do something.
1143
00:59:52,657 --> 00:59:56,861
We could send in
the Omega Force.
1144
01:00:01,866 --> 01:00:03,167
Isn't that a bit drastic?
1145
01:00:05,502 --> 01:00:10,340
Sir, the Helms Amendment
and NSC Order 725
1146
01:00:10,440 --> 01:00:14,211
both specifically prohibit the use
of Omega Force against Caucasians.
1147
01:00:14,311 --> 01:00:16,046
That's right.
1148
01:00:16,146 --> 01:00:19,183
I guess if I were the
President's male secretary,
1149
01:00:19,283 --> 01:00:23,087
I might read the
Helms Amendment that way.
1150
01:00:23,187 --> 01:00:25,255
What choice do we have, sir?
1151
01:00:25,355 --> 01:00:28,225
We have to take
this sheriff out immediately
1152
01:00:28,325 --> 01:00:30,560
before this turns
into a shooting war
1153
01:00:30,661 --> 01:00:33,698
instead of the Cold War
that we wanted.
1154
01:00:34,765 --> 01:00:36,801
Mr. President.
Hey! Hey!
1155
01:00:36,901 --> 01:00:39,670
Sheriff Boomer has
become a national idol
1156
01:00:39,770 --> 01:00:43,040
at a time when our
people lack true heroes,
1157
01:00:43,140 --> 01:00:44,775
yourself excluded, sir.
1158
01:00:44,875 --> 01:00:47,111
It would seem wise
not to lose him.
1159
01:00:47,211 --> 01:00:49,179
General, the President
should see this, sir.
1160
01:00:50,748 --> 01:00:53,784
Enraged by the imprisonment
of hostage Honey,
1161
01:00:53,884 --> 01:00:56,653
and inspired by their hero
Bud Boomer,
1162
01:00:56,754 --> 01:00:58,588
U.S. citizens
from coast to coast
1163
01:00:58,689 --> 01:01:01,558
are taking actions against
Americans of Canadian birth
1164
01:01:01,658 --> 01:01:04,862
and suspected
Canadian sympathizers.
1165
01:01:04,962 --> 01:01:06,897
Some Americans
in other border towns
1166
01:01:06,997 --> 01:01:09,800
have followed Sheriff Boomer
into Canada
1167
01:01:09,900 --> 01:01:12,269
with the hope
of liberating that country.
1168
01:01:14,038 --> 01:01:16,974
Everything I see or read
about these Canadians
1169
01:01:17,074 --> 01:01:19,176
just makes me want to puke!
1170
01:01:19,276 --> 01:01:20,410
U.S.A. U.S.A.
1171
01:01:20,510 --> 01:01:23,313
It's time we put America
back in North America.
1172
01:01:23,413 --> 01:01:26,050
God bless Bud Boomer!
1173
01:01:26,150 --> 01:01:28,018
U.S.A. U.S.A.
1174
01:01:28,118 --> 01:01:29,854
Oh, Christ.
1175
01:01:29,954 --> 01:01:33,357
Mr. President,
I believe we have no choice
1176
01:01:33,457 --> 01:01:36,761
but to remove Bud Boomer
judiciously.
1177
01:01:40,564 --> 01:01:41,766
Now.
1178
01:01:45,102 --> 01:01:46,904
Well, it's an idea.
1179
01:01:50,640 --> 01:01:52,242
Send in Omega Force!
1180
01:02:15,866 --> 01:02:19,269
♪ Spread your tiny wings ♪
♪ and fly away… ♪
1181
01:02:24,809 --> 01:02:25,943
Go fish.
1182
01:02:35,052 --> 01:02:36,286
Welcome to Canada.
1183
01:02:37,054 --> 01:02:38,322
Who are you?
1184
01:02:41,091 --> 01:02:42,993
That was totally unnecessary.
1185
01:02:46,730 --> 01:02:48,032
Where is Boomer?
1186
01:02:49,333 --> 01:02:51,368
I had an amazing hand.
1187
01:02:51,468 --> 01:02:52,302
Where is he?
1188
01:02:55,372 --> 01:02:56,340
Toronto.
1189
01:03:04,248 --> 01:03:07,417
We're coming, Honey.
We're coming.
1190
01:03:07,517 --> 01:03:09,854
Hey, Boomer, how come you
never let me drive, man?
1191
01:03:12,890 --> 01:03:14,658
Just don't start with me,
all right?
1192
01:03:14,758 --> 01:03:17,027
The black cat
never gets to drive.
1193
01:03:17,127 --> 01:03:18,495
It's not because you're black.
1194
01:03:18,595 --> 01:03:20,530
Lots of black guys
drive all the time.
1195
01:03:20,630 --> 01:03:22,499
For example.
1196
01:03:22,599 --> 01:03:23,868
What's his name?
Danny Glover
1197
01:03:23,901 --> 01:03:25,936
in Driving Miss…
What's her name?
1198
01:03:26,036 --> 01:03:28,105
Danny Glover didn't drive
Miss Daisy.
1199
01:03:28,205 --> 01:03:30,407
He drove Mel Gibson.
1200
01:03:30,507 --> 01:03:31,909
He didn't drive Mel Gibson.
1201
01:03:32,009 --> 01:03:33,878
That's Eddie Murphy
drives Mel Gibson.
1202
01:03:33,978 --> 01:03:35,612
Eddie Murphy drives Nick Nolte.
1203
01:03:35,712 --> 01:03:36,881
He does not.
1204
01:03:36,981 --> 01:03:40,084
Hey, guys, I drove once.
1205
01:03:42,319 --> 01:03:43,353
Oh, jeez.
1206
01:03:43,453 --> 01:03:44,554
Oh, jeez.
1207
01:03:44,654 --> 01:03:45,923
Oh, jeez.
1208
01:03:46,991 --> 01:03:48,926
Maybe it's not us.
1209
01:03:49,026 --> 01:03:50,494
It's not us.
1210
01:03:50,594 --> 01:03:52,396
Pull over! Pull over!
1211
01:03:52,496 --> 01:03:55,099
It's us. He wants us.
All right.
1212
01:03:55,900 --> 01:03:56,967
We're pulling over.
1213
01:04:02,106 --> 01:04:06,143
All right, fellas. Just act
normal, all right? Act normal.
1214
01:04:07,912 --> 01:04:10,247
Not normal for us.
Normal for regular people.
1215
01:04:16,086 --> 01:04:17,121
Good day.
1216
01:04:17,221 --> 01:04:18,322
Hi.
1217
01:04:18,422 --> 01:04:20,490
May I see your license
and registration, please?
1218
01:04:22,092 --> 01:04:23,127
There you go.
1219
01:04:23,227 --> 01:04:24,261
Thank you.
1220
01:04:24,995 --> 01:04:26,296
Oh, Americans!
1221
01:04:26,396 --> 01:04:28,598
Welcome to Ontario,
a sportsman's paradise.
1222
01:04:28,698 --> 01:04:30,334
Isn't it, though?
1223
01:04:30,434 --> 01:04:33,337
Please get out and
step away from the vehicle.
1224
01:04:43,313 --> 01:04:44,949
Okay.
1225
01:04:44,982 --> 01:04:46,583
What is wrong with this picture?
1226
01:04:46,683 --> 01:04:47,952
Um…
1227
01:04:48,452 --> 01:04:49,619
Uh…
1228
01:04:49,719 --> 01:04:51,956
No snow tires.
No.
1229
01:04:52,056 --> 01:04:54,959
I was driving on the
wrong side of the road.
1230
01:04:54,992 --> 01:04:57,427
I can explain that. I am not
used to your rules up here.
1231
01:04:57,527 --> 01:04:59,663
That's not it.
1232
01:04:59,763 --> 01:05:02,499
This writing on the
side of your vehicle.
1233
01:05:02,599 --> 01:05:05,069
Oh! How did that
get there?
1234
01:05:05,169 --> 01:05:07,471
Those kids at the garage,
I just…
1235
01:05:07,571 --> 01:05:09,339
Whatever.
1236
01:05:09,439 --> 01:05:12,376
My concern is the sensibilities
of a certain distinct
1237
01:05:12,476 --> 01:05:14,979
and viable part
of Canadian society.
1238
01:05:15,079 --> 01:05:16,213
Les Quebecois.
1239
01:05:16,313 --> 01:05:17,347
Huh?
1240
01:05:17,447 --> 01:05:19,516
You know, wine drinkers.
1241
01:05:19,616 --> 01:05:21,986
Pea-soup eaters.
French Canadians.
1242
01:05:22,052 --> 01:05:24,221
Oh, yeah.
Those guys. Sure.
1243
01:05:24,321 --> 01:05:25,689
If you wish to
avoid prosecution,
1244
01:05:25,789 --> 01:05:29,059
I'd advise that you comply
with our language laws,
1245
01:05:29,159 --> 01:05:31,695
which specifically prescribe
1246
01:05:31,795 --> 01:05:35,865
that all signs be in
both English and French,
1247
01:05:36,000 --> 01:05:39,603
Canada's two official languages.
Okay.
1248
01:05:39,703 --> 01:05:41,005
I do have to fine you.
1249
01:05:41,071 --> 01:05:45,109
That'll be $1,000 Canadian or
$10 American if you'd prefer.
1250
01:05:45,209 --> 01:05:49,013
Oh! No. I'll pay the
American there. Yeah.
1251
01:05:49,079 --> 01:05:50,214
There you go, buddy.
1252
01:05:50,914 --> 01:05:52,116
Here you are, $10.
1253
01:05:52,216 --> 01:05:53,750
Thank you very much.
There's your receipt.
1254
01:05:53,850 --> 01:05:55,052
Thank you.
1255
01:05:55,152 --> 01:05:56,286
And now…
1256
01:05:59,623 --> 01:06:01,425
In French, if you please.
1257
01:06:19,876 --> 01:06:24,248
Dr. Wall, Dr.
Wall, please pick up line five.
1258
01:06:27,351 --> 01:06:32,356
All doctors participating in today's
house calls, please report to the lobby.
1259
01:06:34,424 --> 01:06:35,559
"Get well soon"
1260
01:06:35,659 --> 01:06:37,794
"from Prime Minister
Clark MacDonald."
1261
01:06:37,894 --> 01:06:40,164
Anyone in need
of a free triple bypass,
1262
01:06:40,264 --> 01:06:42,366
please sign the bonus slip
in your room.
1263
01:06:42,466 --> 01:06:45,202
"Get well, get well,
feel good."
1264
01:06:45,302 --> 01:06:46,270
This is…
1265
01:06:49,173 --> 01:06:51,875
"Best wishes,
Gordon Lightfoot."
1266
01:06:52,076 --> 01:06:53,110
Ew!
1267
01:06:54,678 --> 01:06:55,679
Ottawa!
1268
01:06:55,779 --> 01:06:56,646
Go, Fifi!
1269
01:06:59,149 --> 01:07:00,817
So, we're up and around, are we?
1270
01:07:00,917 --> 01:07:04,088
And how are we feeling today?
1271
01:07:04,121 --> 01:07:06,423
Aren't you two a little
young to be doctors?
1272
01:07:06,523 --> 01:07:09,093
Oh, we're not doctors.
We're candy stripers.
1273
01:07:09,193 --> 01:07:10,794
Our universal health care system
1274
01:07:10,894 --> 01:07:13,330
has determined that you don't
actually need a doctor until…
1275
01:07:13,430 --> 01:07:15,299
2006.
1276
01:07:15,399 --> 01:07:16,866
Until then, we're here to see
1277
01:07:16,966 --> 01:07:19,136
that you're comfortable
and to give you, uh…
1278
01:07:20,003 --> 01:07:22,139
A kidney transplant.
1279
01:07:22,239 --> 01:07:24,541
No, that can't be right.
1280
01:07:24,641 --> 01:07:25,675
Check the paperwork.
1281
01:07:25,775 --> 01:07:26,910
Ow!
1282
01:07:27,111 --> 01:07:28,412
Oh! Oh!
1283
01:07:29,146 --> 01:07:30,447
Oh, Douglas!
1284
01:07:30,547 --> 01:07:31,515
♪ Born ♪
1285
01:07:31,615 --> 01:07:33,117
♪ Born in the U.S.A. ♪
1286
01:07:33,150 --> 01:07:34,151
♪ I was ♪
1287
01:07:34,251 --> 01:07:37,254
♪ Born in the U.S.A. ♪
1288
01:07:37,354 --> 01:07:38,288
♪ I was ♪
1289
01:07:38,388 --> 01:07:40,690
♪ Born in the U.S.A. ♪
1290
01:07:40,790 --> 01:07:41,858
♪ I was ♪
1291
01:07:41,958 --> 01:07:43,827
♪ Born in the U.S.A. ♪
1292
01:07:43,927 --> 01:07:45,028
♪ I was ♪
1293
01:07:45,129 --> 01:07:47,797
♪ Born in the U.S.A. ♪
1294
01:07:49,333 --> 01:07:52,636
♪ Born in the U.S.A. ♪
1295
01:07:52,736 --> 01:07:54,738
♪ Dah, dah ♪
1296
01:07:54,838 --> 01:07:56,773
♪ Dah, dah, dah, U.S.A. ♪
1297
01:08:03,880 --> 01:08:05,349
If you catch a cold,
1298
01:08:05,449 --> 01:08:07,951
there's some aspirin
in the cabinet.
1299
01:08:08,051 --> 01:08:11,155
And thanks for hanging on to my
American-made assault weapons.
1300
01:08:16,460 --> 01:08:19,629
Dr. Fred Einerschmidt to 2-B.
1301
01:08:19,729 --> 01:08:20,664
Give me that.
1302
01:08:20,764 --> 01:08:24,968
♪ Oklahoma ♪
1303
01:08:25,068 --> 01:08:28,705
♪ Oklahoma ♪
1304
01:08:28,805 --> 01:08:30,607
♪ Oklahoma ♪
1305
01:08:35,745 --> 01:08:36,813
♪ Oklahoma ♪
1306
01:08:36,913 --> 01:08:38,648
♪ Oklahoma ♪
1307
01:08:38,748 --> 01:08:40,350
♪ Oklahoma ♪
1308
01:08:40,450 --> 01:08:43,253
♪ Oklahoma ♪
1309
01:08:59,969 --> 01:09:01,871
Hey, it's okay.
1310
01:09:01,971 --> 01:09:03,307
It was just my toe.
1311
01:09:17,053 --> 01:09:18,888
All right.
That's enough, man.
1312
01:09:20,590 --> 01:09:23,227
You guys aren't thinking
about Honey at all, are you?
1313
01:09:25,128 --> 01:09:26,696
I'm worried sick.
1314
01:09:26,796 --> 01:09:28,532
Ever see The Dirty Dozen?
1315
01:09:28,632 --> 01:09:29,499
That was a cool movie.
1316
01:09:29,599 --> 01:09:31,935
Man, that was real cool.
1317
01:09:32,035 --> 01:09:33,270
Lee Marvin.
1318
01:09:33,370 --> 01:09:34,704
Charles Bronson.
1319
01:09:34,804 --> 01:09:36,240
Ernest Borgnine.
1320
01:09:36,306 --> 01:09:38,308
Jim Brown.
1321
01:09:38,408 --> 01:09:40,644
Telly Savalas, Clint Walker.
1322
01:09:40,744 --> 01:09:41,911
Jim Brown.
1323
01:09:42,011 --> 01:09:43,980
Trini Lopez!
Cool.
1324
01:09:44,080 --> 01:09:46,950
Trini Lopez? I never could
figure that one out.
1325
01:09:47,050 --> 01:09:49,253
What the hell was he doing
in The Dirty Dozen?
1326
01:09:49,319 --> 01:09:52,256
If I was putting together a group
of murderers and cutthroats,
1327
01:09:52,322 --> 01:09:54,891
Trini Lopez would not
be in the starting lineup.
1328
01:09:54,991 --> 01:09:56,260
That's why he dies first.
1329
01:09:56,326 --> 01:09:57,661
Don't they all die?
1330
01:09:57,761 --> 01:09:58,962
No.
Jim Brown dies.
1331
01:09:59,062 --> 01:10:01,465
What do you expect?
1332
01:10:01,565 --> 01:10:03,099
Of all The Dirty Dozen,
this black guy's
1333
01:10:03,267 --> 01:10:06,870
supposed to sneak in behind enemy
lines and pretend he's a Kraut?
1334
01:10:06,970 --> 01:10:08,438
That's not it, man.
1335
01:10:08,538 --> 01:10:11,275
It's just the black guy
always dies.
1336
01:10:11,375 --> 01:10:14,711
Think about it, man.
Unforgiven.
1337
01:10:14,811 --> 01:10:15,879
Alien.
1338
01:10:15,979 --> 01:10:17,013
Rocky IV.
1339
01:10:17,113 --> 01:10:18,014
The Shining.
1340
01:10:18,114 --> 01:10:19,683
Star Trek II.
1341
01:10:19,783 --> 01:10:20,950
Forrest Gump.
1342
01:10:21,050 --> 01:10:22,286
Witness.
1343
01:10:22,386 --> 01:10:23,720
Annie Hall.
1344
01:10:23,820 --> 01:10:25,889
Not Annie Hall.
1345
01:10:25,989 --> 01:10:26,856
Night of the Living Dead.
1346
01:10:26,956 --> 01:10:28,392
That's the one!
1347
01:10:28,492 --> 01:10:30,260
And what about that brother
in Jurassic Park?
1348
01:10:30,360 --> 01:10:32,329
Oh, that was cool.
1349
01:10:32,429 --> 01:10:34,931
Two black guys died
in that one. A twofer!
1350
01:10:35,031 --> 01:10:38,435
You must be really
pissed off at that one.
1351
01:10:38,535 --> 01:10:39,503
I'm telling you, man,
1352
01:10:39,603 --> 01:10:41,471
the black guy always dies first.
1353
01:10:50,714 --> 01:10:54,017
Oh, aw, man.
1354
01:10:54,117 --> 01:10:56,620
Hey. Don't worry,
Kabral.
1355
01:10:56,720 --> 01:10:58,922
You'll pass for Canadian.
1356
01:11:03,793 --> 01:11:05,395
You really do need help.
1357
01:11:05,495 --> 01:11:08,231
Oh, I need help?
Yeah.
1358
01:11:08,332 --> 01:11:10,334
Knock it off with
this Dirty Dozen stuff.
1359
01:11:10,434 --> 01:11:12,168
Did anyone see Dirty Dancing?
1360
01:11:12,369 --> 01:11:15,805
Whoo!
1361
01:11:15,905 --> 01:11:20,810
That was a good movie.
1362
01:11:20,910 --> 01:11:23,513
Welcome to the Hacker Hellstorm,
1363
01:11:23,613 --> 01:11:27,016
your one-stop program
for total nuclear destruction.
1364
01:11:27,116 --> 01:11:30,354
Please enter your pin code now.
1365
01:11:34,123 --> 01:11:39,829
You have reached the Hellstorm
communications center.
1366
01:11:39,929 --> 01:11:44,601
Please choose your missile launch
sites from your on-screen menu.
1367
01:11:51,908 --> 01:11:57,814
Establishing contact
with all U.S. launch sites.
1368
01:11:57,914 --> 01:12:02,085
American missiles now under the
control of the Hacker Hellstorm.
1369
01:12:04,588 --> 01:12:09,158
Countdown ready to commence.
1370
01:12:09,258 --> 01:12:12,128
Hellstorm activated.
1371
01:12:12,228 --> 01:12:14,297
Thank God for technology.
1372
01:12:14,398 --> 01:12:18,502
12 hours to launch.
1373
01:12:29,746 --> 01:12:32,582
Any word from Omega Force,
like where they are?
1374
01:12:32,682 --> 01:12:33,783
Hell, they…
1375
01:12:33,883 --> 01:12:36,085
What the hell is that?
1376
01:12:36,185 --> 01:12:37,554
It's Def-Con 4, sir.
1377
01:12:37,654 --> 01:12:40,223
Just remind me.
What is Def-Con 4?
1378
01:12:40,323 --> 01:12:41,858
Defense condition 4, sir.
1379
01:12:41,958 --> 01:12:44,694
A nuclear attack is
imminent or the opposite.
1380
01:12:44,794 --> 01:12:45,595
- I'm not quite sure.
- Imminent, Stu!
1381
01:12:45,695 --> 01:12:46,763
There you go, imminent.
1382
01:12:46,863 --> 01:12:47,864
Well, can't we stop this?
1383
01:12:47,964 --> 01:12:51,501
The siren, sir,
or nuclear exchange?
1384
01:12:51,601 --> 01:12:52,769
Either one!
1385
01:12:52,869 --> 01:12:56,072
Sir, our missile
silos in southern Utah
1386
01:12:56,172 --> 01:12:58,107
have somehow become activated.
1387
01:12:58,207 --> 01:13:01,044
Well, who ordered that?
It wasn't me, was it?
1388
01:13:01,144 --> 01:13:02,779
No. I didn't order that.
1389
01:13:02,879 --> 01:13:04,448
Can't you stop this?
1390
01:13:04,481 --> 01:13:07,083
General Panzer, where are
those missiles aimed?
1391
01:13:07,183 --> 01:13:09,586
Well, sir, uh…
1392
01:13:09,686 --> 01:13:12,922
Those ICBMs in southern Utah are
1393
01:13:13,022 --> 01:13:15,459
directed at…
1394
01:13:15,559 --> 01:13:17,461
At Moscow, sir.
1395
01:13:17,561 --> 01:13:18,662
What?
1396
01:13:18,762 --> 01:13:21,965
Why would you aim
missiles at an ally?
1397
01:13:22,065 --> 01:13:24,468
Sir, it seems that nearly
all of our missiles
1398
01:13:24,534 --> 01:13:28,938
are directed at targets in
the former Soviet Republics.
1399
01:13:29,038 --> 01:13:30,239
Why the hell is that?
1400
01:13:30,339 --> 01:13:31,641
With all due respect, sir,
1401
01:13:31,741 --> 01:13:34,010
your boys in Intelligence
never could decide
1402
01:13:34,110 --> 01:13:35,712
who was a big enough threat
1403
01:13:35,812 --> 01:13:37,781
to point those babies elsewhere.
1404
01:13:37,881 --> 01:13:40,016
Let me say, sir,
1405
01:13:40,116 --> 01:13:41,518
if one of our birds lands
1406
01:13:41,618 --> 01:13:42,786
in the Russkies' backyard,
1407
01:13:42,886 --> 01:13:44,521
plenty will be landing in ours.
1408
01:13:49,693 --> 01:13:50,827
I have just arrived here
1409
01:13:50,927 --> 01:13:54,931
as part of the Pentagon
Press Corps.
1410
01:13:55,031 --> 01:13:57,901
There are some things we will
not be allowed to show you.
1411
01:13:58,001 --> 01:14:02,238
But you can rest assured
that you will be getting
1412
01:14:02,338 --> 01:14:05,742
all of the information
you need to know.
1413
01:14:05,842 --> 01:14:07,310
I am standing here…
1414
01:14:09,012 --> 01:14:09,813
…in the middle of…
1415
01:14:09,913 --> 01:14:11,180
And it is…
1416
01:14:14,584 --> 01:14:18,722
For those of you with sons
and daughters up here,
1417
01:14:18,822 --> 01:14:20,824
I can only say that…
1418
01:14:26,863 --> 01:14:28,565
And that's about the only thing
1419
01:14:28,665 --> 01:14:31,868
that has been going
wrong at this point.
1420
01:14:34,938 --> 01:14:37,807
The activation order appears
to be coming from Canada.
1421
01:14:37,907 --> 01:14:40,610
How can Canada
activate our missiles?
1422
01:14:40,710 --> 01:14:42,311
Oh, shit.
The Hacker Hellstorm.
1423
01:14:42,411 --> 01:14:43,547
The what?
The Hacker Hellstorm.
1424
01:14:43,580 --> 01:14:45,114
Sir, it's a program you canceled
1425
01:14:45,214 --> 01:14:46,883
when you tried to
balance the budget.
1426
01:14:46,983 --> 01:14:49,553
What is the Hacker Hellstorm?
1427
01:14:49,653 --> 01:14:50,954
Vargo.
1428
01:14:51,054 --> 01:14:52,756
It's an automatic nuclear
response system, sir.
1429
01:14:52,856 --> 01:14:56,159
It initiates a nuclear
counterstrike on its own.
1430
01:14:56,259 --> 01:14:58,962
I never liked it. Took the
fun out of Armageddon.
1431
01:14:59,062 --> 01:15:00,564
I'm glad they canceled
the son of a bitch.
1432
01:15:00,630 --> 01:15:02,331
How did Canada get it?
1433
01:15:02,431 --> 01:15:04,067
That's classified.
1434
01:15:04,167 --> 01:15:05,735
Classified?
1435
01:15:05,835 --> 01:15:07,837
I'm the President!
1436
01:15:07,937 --> 01:15:09,973
How did Canada get it, Stu?
1437
01:15:10,073 --> 01:15:11,741
I want to talk to
Hacker right now!
1438
01:15:18,481 --> 01:15:20,016
It's a vision.
1439
01:15:20,116 --> 01:15:21,585
My eyes.
1440
01:15:31,861 --> 01:15:34,030
There it is, men.
Toronto.
1441
01:15:34,130 --> 01:15:36,099
It's beautiful.
1442
01:15:36,199 --> 01:15:39,769
It's like no other
city I've ever seen.
1443
01:15:39,869 --> 01:15:42,338
It's like Albany.
1444
01:15:42,438 --> 01:15:43,873
Only cleaner.
1445
01:16:04,393 --> 01:16:05,762
The Tower!
1446
01:16:14,771 --> 01:16:16,172
That's Toronto, boys.
1447
01:16:16,272 --> 01:16:17,741
Cool.
1448
01:16:18,842 --> 01:16:21,778
Wow!
1449
01:16:21,878 --> 01:16:24,881
Jeez, how do they
clean all those windows?
1450
01:16:24,981 --> 01:16:26,149
Windex, dummy.
1451
01:16:32,055 --> 01:16:33,289
Where did they get
so many buildings?
1452
01:16:35,091 --> 01:16:36,660
It's eerie.
1453
01:16:36,726 --> 01:16:38,895
Where is everybody?
I don't like this.
1454
01:16:38,995 --> 01:16:39,996
Me neither.
1455
01:16:41,931 --> 01:16:43,032
There's a kid up there.
1456
01:16:46,235 --> 01:16:47,737
Hey, hey, kid.
1457
01:16:49,405 --> 01:16:50,974
Kid, where is everybody?
1458
01:16:51,074 --> 01:16:52,408
The Tower.
1459
01:16:52,508 --> 01:16:53,677
The Tower?
1460
01:16:53,743 --> 01:16:55,078
The Canadian National Tower.
1461
01:16:55,178 --> 01:16:57,981
Some crazy American woman's
there with a big gun.
1462
01:16:58,081 --> 01:16:59,683
Oh, thanks.
1463
01:16:59,749 --> 01:17:02,786
Crazy American lady with a gun.
1464
01:17:02,886 --> 01:17:05,121
It's Honey!
Come on, fellas, let's go.
1465
01:17:11,527 --> 01:17:14,263
Attention, please.
Attention, please.
1466
01:17:14,363 --> 01:17:17,100
This is the Royal Canadian
Mounted Police.
1467
01:17:17,200 --> 01:17:19,435
Would you come down
from the Tower, please?
1468
01:17:19,535 --> 01:17:22,105
If you say "please"
one more time,
1469
01:17:22,205 --> 01:17:24,708
I'm going to let you have it.
1470
01:17:30,546 --> 01:17:32,115
No, no, no.
I got that part.
1471
01:17:32,215 --> 01:17:34,784
What I don't understand
is how the Canadians
1472
01:17:34,884 --> 01:17:38,321
have a fully functional
and operational Hellstorm.
1473
01:17:38,421 --> 01:17:41,825
I thought what I
sold them was not usable.
1474
01:17:41,925 --> 01:17:44,060
How the hell did I let
you get me into this?
1475
01:17:44,160 --> 01:17:45,762
Stuey.
1476
01:17:45,862 --> 01:17:47,997
God Almighty.
1477
01:17:48,097 --> 01:17:51,200
Why do you bother your head
with this kind of crap?
1478
01:17:51,300 --> 01:17:54,403
Maybe it's because
you're an only child.
1479
01:17:54,503 --> 01:17:57,306
Or maybe it's because
you're becoming irrelevant.
1480
01:17:57,406 --> 01:17:59,843
Now, calm down,
for Christ's sake.
1481
01:17:59,943 --> 01:18:01,244
Mmm-hmm.
1482
01:18:01,344 --> 01:18:03,446
The Canadians cannot
launch any missiles.
1483
01:18:03,546 --> 01:18:05,381
Only I can,
1484
01:18:05,481 --> 01:18:07,751
because I have the codes,
1485
01:18:07,817 --> 01:18:09,318
all of them.
1486
01:18:09,418 --> 01:18:11,187
And I'm in control.
1487
01:18:11,287 --> 01:18:12,488
So, easy.
1488
01:18:12,588 --> 01:18:16,125
Missile countdown has started
in Wyoming and Montana.
1489
01:18:16,225 --> 01:18:17,827
All right.
I want an answer.
1490
01:18:17,927 --> 01:18:19,395
Does Canada have the power
1491
01:18:19,495 --> 01:18:21,564
to launch America's
nuclear weapons?
1492
01:18:21,664 --> 01:18:25,101
The Hacker Hellstorm
can do that and a lot more.
1493
01:18:26,502 --> 01:18:29,372
And if you hadn't
canceled that program,
1494
01:18:29,472 --> 01:18:32,208
the technology would
still be in American hands.
1495
01:18:32,308 --> 01:18:36,846
So you sold control of American
missiles to a foreign country.
1496
01:18:36,946 --> 01:18:41,284
If you can call Canada foreign.
Or a country.
1497
01:18:41,384 --> 01:18:43,019
When you canceled that program,
1498
01:18:43,119 --> 01:18:44,420
you left me standing there
1499
01:18:44,520 --> 01:18:47,690
out of pocket $500 million!
1500
01:18:47,791 --> 01:18:50,960
I got to make up on
a shortfall like that.
1501
01:18:51,060 --> 01:18:53,863
After all the billions
he's made on Uncle Sam.
1502
01:18:54,931 --> 01:18:56,833
In a decent,
God-fearing country,
1503
01:18:56,933 --> 01:18:59,668
I'd be allowed to beat
the two of you to death.
1504
01:18:59,803 --> 01:19:04,841
It's scum like you that make a simple
war all screwed up and confusing.
1505
01:19:04,941 --> 01:19:08,711
It's people like us who keep
people like you in business.
1506
01:19:08,812 --> 01:19:11,614
We're now registering
missile activity in Nevada.
1507
01:19:11,714 --> 01:19:14,017
All right, now I want to know
1508
01:19:14,117 --> 01:19:17,486
where exactly did
you install this,
1509
01:19:17,586 --> 01:19:18,922
this Hellstorm thing?
1510
01:19:19,022 --> 01:19:22,658
Ever run an old possum
up a tree, Mr. President?
1511
01:19:22,826 --> 01:19:25,194
He'll find the highest
branch he can.
1512
01:19:48,852 --> 01:19:51,754
Out of my way. Out of my way.
Out of my way.
1513
01:19:51,855 --> 01:19:53,389
Oh, I'm sorry.
1514
01:19:53,489 --> 01:19:54,557
Excuse me.
1515
01:19:54,657 --> 01:19:56,926
Out of my way.
Out of my way.
1516
01:19:57,026 --> 01:19:58,127
I'm sorry.
1517
01:19:58,227 --> 01:20:00,363
Out of my way.
Out of my way.
1518
01:20:00,463 --> 01:20:01,464
I'm sorry.
1519
01:20:02,498 --> 01:20:04,300
All right.
You wait here.
1520
01:20:04,400 --> 01:20:06,435
I'll be right back.
Get out of my way.
1521
01:20:17,080 --> 01:20:18,047
Oh.
1522
01:20:38,434 --> 01:20:42,071
Now, you know that I
built Hellstorm number 1.
1523
01:20:42,171 --> 01:20:46,242
But what you don't know is that I
also built Hellstorm number 2.
1524
01:20:46,342 --> 01:20:48,144
Two? What's that?
What's two?
1525
01:20:48,244 --> 01:20:50,846
It's to defend us
against Hellstorm 1.
1526
01:20:50,947 --> 01:20:54,283
Just in case an enemy
should ever acquire it.
1527
01:20:54,383 --> 01:20:57,286
I don't want to say that
it's pure genius, but…
1528
01:20:57,386 --> 01:20:59,255
No, no.
It's insane!
1529
01:20:59,355 --> 01:21:00,924
It's business.
1530
01:21:01,024 --> 01:21:04,693
And I can let you have it
immediately, but it won't be cheap.
1531
01:21:04,928 --> 01:21:07,396
It won't be cheap?
How much will it be?
1532
01:21:07,496 --> 01:21:09,032
$1 trillion.
1533
01:21:10,133 --> 01:21:11,767
$1 trillion!
1534
01:21:11,935 --> 01:21:14,403
That includes the cost overruns.
1535
01:21:14,503 --> 01:21:18,074
Mr. Hacker, you've got
Uncle Sam by the cojones.
1536
01:21:18,174 --> 01:21:20,309
Don't you have any
patriotism, sir?
1537
01:21:21,577 --> 01:21:22,511
What about the Alamo?
1538
01:21:22,611 --> 01:21:24,047
The Halls of Montezuma?
1539
01:21:24,147 --> 01:21:26,082
The Sands of Iwo Jima?
1540
01:21:26,182 --> 01:21:28,251
The Guns of Navarone?
1541
01:21:28,351 --> 01:21:30,853
Didn't you ever fantasize
about The Duke
1542
01:21:30,954 --> 01:21:32,555
in The Flying Leathernecks?
1543
01:21:32,655 --> 01:21:33,856
Huh?
1544
01:21:33,957 --> 01:21:35,758
I mean, fantasize
about being The Duke,
1545
01:21:35,858 --> 01:21:38,027
not fantasize about The Duke.
1546
01:21:38,127 --> 01:21:39,762
You know what I mean, sir?
1547
01:21:39,862 --> 01:21:42,298
30 minutes to launch.
1548
01:21:51,340 --> 01:21:52,508
Oh, God.
1549
01:21:54,377 --> 01:21:55,979
What have you got there?
1550
01:22:03,619 --> 01:22:04,787
Oh, my God.
1551
01:22:04,988 --> 01:22:08,091
Mr. President, we have a
situation Uranus in Utah.
1552
01:22:08,191 --> 01:22:10,393
They bumped their birds
up to T-minus 7.
1553
01:22:10,493 --> 01:22:13,229
This is terrible. I didn't
understand a word of what he said.
1554
01:22:13,329 --> 01:22:15,698
He said the missiles will
launch in seven minutes.
1555
01:22:15,798 --> 01:22:17,300
Oh, my God!
1556
01:22:17,400 --> 01:22:19,668
Mr. President, you got
six minutes and change.
1557
01:22:19,768 --> 01:22:21,670
This is a mistake you
do not want to make!
1558
01:22:21,770 --> 01:22:24,007
Negotiate with him.
Give him what he wants!
1559
01:22:24,040 --> 01:22:25,508
I know.
Just give me a second.
1560
01:22:25,608 --> 01:22:28,911
Gentlemen, I intend
to put some shoe leather
1561
01:22:29,012 --> 01:22:31,247
between me and ground zero.
1562
01:22:31,347 --> 01:22:34,317
Call me, Mr. President, when you
decide to give me the money.
1563
01:22:34,417 --> 01:22:36,119
Wait a second.
Hold on one second.
1564
01:22:36,219 --> 01:22:37,820
I don't understand something.
1565
01:22:37,920 --> 01:22:41,190
Why would the Canadians try to start
a war between us and the Russians?
1566
01:22:41,290 --> 01:22:42,291
I don't get that.
1567
01:22:42,391 --> 01:22:43,426
Hacker!
1568
01:22:44,860 --> 01:22:46,629
Hacker! Hack…
1569
01:22:46,729 --> 01:22:49,898
Get me Intelligence.
I need Intelligence.
1570
01:22:50,033 --> 01:22:51,634
Canada's not launching
those missiles.
1571
01:22:51,734 --> 01:22:52,801
You are!
1572
01:22:52,901 --> 01:22:55,504
Give me the money,
then I'll turn it off.
1573
01:22:55,604 --> 01:22:57,373
Give me the goddamn codes!
1574
01:22:59,675 --> 01:23:01,210
You son of a bitch,
you're through!
1575
01:23:04,780 --> 01:23:06,215
Oh, my God!
1576
01:23:09,552 --> 01:23:11,754
Guards!
Arrest Mr. Smiley!
1577
01:23:13,122 --> 01:23:15,058
Wait! I got the codes!
1578
01:23:18,661 --> 01:23:20,063
Mr. Hacker?
1579
01:23:20,163 --> 01:23:21,630
Mr. Hacker?
1580
01:23:21,730 --> 01:23:24,333
I think this old possum
has bought the farm.
1581
01:23:24,433 --> 01:23:25,768
E-I-E-I-O.
1582
01:23:39,882 --> 01:23:41,084
Oh, excuse me.
1583
01:23:41,150 --> 01:23:42,185
Pardon me.
1584
01:23:42,285 --> 01:23:43,852
Sorry.
1585
01:23:43,952 --> 01:23:45,154
Oh!
1586
01:23:45,254 --> 01:23:46,289
Sorry!
1587
01:23:52,495 --> 01:23:56,132
Stu, Stu, Stu, it really pains
me to see you this way.
1588
01:23:56,232 --> 01:23:58,234
Ah, who am I kidding?
1589
01:23:58,334 --> 01:24:00,136
We'll torture him later.
Get him out of here.
1590
01:24:01,637 --> 01:24:03,005
What about the Russians?
1591
01:24:03,106 --> 01:24:05,841
Call Moscow.
We've got to warn them.
1592
01:24:05,941 --> 01:24:07,810
Vladimir Krushkin. He was
in briefly over lunch,
1593
01:24:07,910 --> 01:24:09,778
countercoup, he was out,
then reinstalled again.
1594
01:24:09,878 --> 01:24:11,280
As of supper,
he was still there.
1595
01:24:18,254 --> 01:24:20,923
Let me level with you, sir.
1596
01:24:21,023 --> 01:24:22,791
I would destroy any nation,
1597
01:24:22,891 --> 01:24:26,129
even my own, if my
president gave the order.
1598
01:24:26,162 --> 01:24:28,131
So you just say the word, sir,
1599
01:24:28,231 --> 01:24:30,733
and we'll do what we should
have done in the first place.
1600
01:24:30,833 --> 01:24:34,237
We'll nuke the slimy
canuck bastards.
1601
01:24:34,337 --> 01:24:38,274
We'll wipe their frigid,
goddamned country off the map.
1602
01:24:38,374 --> 01:24:41,144
I can't kill
America's neighbors.
1603
01:24:41,177 --> 01:24:43,146
I can.
I summer up there.
1604
01:24:43,779 --> 01:24:45,148
I understand, sir.
1605
01:24:45,181 --> 01:24:48,351
Mr. President, we've lost
contact with Omega Force.
1606
01:24:48,451 --> 01:24:49,652
Well, that's it.
1607
01:24:49,752 --> 01:24:51,920
Moscow is about to light up
1608
01:24:52,020 --> 01:24:54,157
hotter than a pig roast
on flag day.
1609
01:24:54,257 --> 01:24:58,161
That'll certainly guarantee a retaliatory
gesture against the United States.
1610
01:24:58,227 --> 01:24:59,362
No shit.
1611
01:25:05,601 --> 01:25:07,403
Get Prime Minister
MacDonald on the phone.
1612
01:25:07,503 --> 01:25:08,971
I'll give him anything he wants.
1613
01:25:09,172 --> 01:25:10,939
Got to.
1614
01:25:11,039 --> 01:25:14,677
This is the Hacker
Hellstorm weather forecasting center.
1615
01:25:14,777 --> 01:25:18,647
1 minute, 50 seconds
to total annihilation.
1616
01:25:19,582 --> 01:25:22,185
Have a nice day.
1617
01:25:22,218 --> 01:25:26,189
Mr. Prime Minister, I'm
asking you to stop it.
1618
01:25:27,456 --> 01:25:29,225
Now pay attention to me, okay?
1619
01:25:29,325 --> 01:25:31,860
I'm talking about
the Hacker Hellstorm.
1620
01:25:31,960 --> 01:25:35,731
You got it, and you've
got to turn it off.
1621
01:25:35,831 --> 01:25:39,001
Clark, we can't turn it off.
Of course we've tried!
1622
01:25:39,101 --> 01:25:40,503
We can't turn it…
1623
01:25:41,637 --> 01:25:43,339
He's putting his wife on.
1624
01:25:43,439 --> 01:25:44,507
Hi.
1625
01:25:46,242 --> 01:25:47,443
Ecoutez,
1626
01:25:48,644 --> 01:25:49,878
vous avez gagne.
1627
01:25:50,846 --> 01:25:51,880
Uh…
1628
01:25:53,216 --> 01:25:55,351
Fermez les "rockettes", okay?
1629
01:25:57,453 --> 01:25:59,655
About two years in high school
1630
01:25:59,755 --> 01:26:01,357
and about four years in college.
1631
01:26:01,924 --> 01:26:02,825
Well, thank you.
1632
01:26:04,927 --> 01:26:09,232
American missiles
will launch in 1 minute and 30 seconds.
1633
01:26:42,164 --> 01:26:44,900
Oh! Oh! When will it end?
1634
01:27:02,551 --> 01:27:05,354
Clark, are you listening to me?
1635
01:27:05,454 --> 01:27:08,324
Don't launch the rockets.
1636
01:27:09,358 --> 01:27:10,759
Our rockets!
Don't launch them!
1637
01:27:10,859 --> 01:27:12,528
I'm giving up, you understand?
1638
01:27:12,628 --> 01:27:15,964
Whatever you want, you've got it!
You've won!
1639
01:27:16,064 --> 01:27:17,933
Don't play games with me, Clark!
You won!
1640
01:27:29,144 --> 01:27:30,713
Canuck central!
1641
01:27:30,813 --> 01:27:33,215
T-minus 15 seconds.
1642
01:27:35,017 --> 01:27:37,586
The canucks and Hacker?
1643
01:27:37,686 --> 01:27:39,655
10 seconds to launch.
1644
01:27:40,856 --> 01:27:42,525
Prepare to launch.
1645
01:27:47,496 --> 01:27:49,665
Clark, please!
We're running out of time!
1646
01:28:04,547 --> 01:28:05,481
That's my Honey.
1647
01:28:42,985 --> 01:28:45,554
Boomer!
Don't like heights.
1648
01:28:45,654 --> 01:28:47,390
We've got to get out of here.
Come on!
1649
01:28:52,628 --> 01:28:53,829
Step on it.
1650
01:28:57,065 --> 01:28:59,067
Now, this is what
I call a health care system.
1651
01:29:13,616 --> 01:29:15,851
Look, Honey. Home.
1652
01:29:15,951 --> 01:29:16,819
Home.
1653
01:29:18,454 --> 01:29:19,688
The US of A.
1654
01:29:25,694 --> 01:29:26,762
Whoo! Let's go.
1655
01:30:23,285 --> 01:30:25,588
There it is!
1656
01:30:26,755 --> 01:30:28,090
Like I care!
1657
01:31:02,658 --> 01:31:05,728
We're going to be there any
minute now! Oh, yeah! Trust me.
1658
01:31:14,570 --> 01:31:17,540
♪ Only in America ♪
1659
01:31:17,606 --> 01:31:20,609
♪ Can a guy from anywhere ♪
1660
01:31:20,709 --> 01:31:23,078
♪ Go to sleep a pauper ♪
1661
01:31:23,178 --> 01:31:26,815
♪ And wake up ♪
♪ a millionaire ♪
1662
01:31:26,915 --> 01:31:29,885
♪ Only in America ♪
1663
01:31:29,985 --> 01:31:33,088
♪ Can a kid ♪
♪ without a cent ♪
1664
01:31:33,188 --> 01:31:38,694
♪ Get a break and maybe ♪
♪ grow up to be president ♪
1665
01:31:39,628 --> 01:31:41,196
♪ Only in America ♪
1666
01:31:42,565 --> 01:31:45,300
♪ Land of opportunity, ♪
♪ yeah ♪
1667
01:31:45,400 --> 01:31:47,603
♪ Could a boy ♪
♪ who's nothing ♪
1668
01:31:47,703 --> 01:31:52,808
♪ Be something ♪
♪ and be everything ♪
1669
01:31:54,577 --> 01:31:57,479
♪ Only in America ♪
1670
01:31:57,580 --> 01:32:00,583
♪ Can a kid ♪
♪ who's washin' cars ♪
1671
01:32:00,683 --> 01:32:02,384
♪ Take a giant step ♪
1672
01:32:02,484 --> 01:32:06,789
♪ And reach right up ♪
♪ and touch the stars ♪
1673
01:32:06,889 --> 01:32:09,592
♪ Only in America ♪
1674
01:32:09,692 --> 01:32:12,861
♪ Could a dream ♪
♪ like this come true ♪
1675
01:32:12,961 --> 01:32:14,362
♪ Could a guy like me ♪
1676
01:32:14,462 --> 01:32:18,200
♪ Start with nothing ♪
♪ and end up ♪
1677
01:32:18,300 --> 01:32:23,706
♪ Like you ♪
1678
01:32:44,159 --> 01:32:45,828
♪ Only in America ♪
1679
01:32:47,162 --> 01:32:49,798
♪ Land of opportunity, ♪
♪ yeah ♪
1680
01:32:49,898 --> 01:32:52,134
♪ Could a boy ♪
♪ who's nothing ♪
1681
01:32:52,234 --> 01:32:57,072
♪ Be something ♪
♪ and be everything ♪
1682
01:32:57,973 --> 01:33:00,843
♪ Be everything ♪
1683
01:33:02,945 --> 01:33:04,713
♪ America ♪
1684
01:33:06,048 --> 01:33:07,650
♪ America ♪
1685
01:33:09,084 --> 01:33:10,753
♪ America ♪
1686
01:33:12,087 --> 01:33:13,689
♪ America ♪
1687
01:33:15,023 --> 01:33:16,725
♪ America ♪
1688
01:33:27,069 --> 01:33:31,439
♪ Beneath its snowy mantle ♪
♪ cold and clean ♪
1689
01:33:31,539 --> 01:33:33,375
♪ The unborn grass ♪
♪ lies waiting ♪
1690
01:33:33,475 --> 01:33:35,744
♪ For its gold to turn ♪
♪ to green ♪
1691
01:33:37,245 --> 01:33:41,684
♪ The snowbird sings the song ♪
♪ he always sings ♪
1692
01:33:41,784 --> 01:33:43,786
♪ And speaks to me ♪
♪ of flowers ♪
1693
01:33:43,886 --> 01:33:47,489
♪ That will bloom again ♪
♪ in Spring ♪
1694
01:33:47,589 --> 01:33:51,794
♪ When I was young ♪
♪ my heart was young then, too ♪
1695
01:33:51,894 --> 01:33:54,029
♪ And anything ♪
♪ that it would tell me ♪
1696
01:33:54,129 --> 01:33:56,031
♪ That's the thing ♪
♪ that I would do ♪
1697
01:33:57,866 --> 01:34:02,037
♪ But now I feel ♪
♪ such emptiness within ♪
1698
01:34:02,137 --> 01:34:04,807
♪ For the thing that I want ♪
♪ most in life's ♪
1699
01:34:04,907 --> 01:34:08,343
♪ The thing ♪
♪ that I can't win ♪
1700
01:34:08,443 --> 01:34:12,715
♪ Spread your tiny wings ♪
♪ and fly away ♪
1701
01:34:12,781 --> 01:34:14,783
♪ And take the snow ♪
♪ back with you ♪
1702
01:34:14,883 --> 01:34:17,019
♪ Where it came from ♪
♪ on that day ♪
1703
01:34:18,721 --> 01:34:22,624
♪ The one I loved forever ♪
♪ is untrue ♪
1704
01:34:22,725 --> 01:34:24,026
♪ And if I could ♪
1705
01:34:24,126 --> 01:34:28,964
♪ You know that I would ♪
♪ fly away with you ♪
1706
01:34:29,064 --> 01:34:32,935
♪ The breeze along the river ♪
♪ seems to say ♪
1707
01:34:33,035 --> 01:34:35,503
♪ That he'll only ♪
♪ break my heart again ♪
1708
01:34:35,603 --> 01:34:37,840
♪ Should I decide to stay ♪
1709
01:34:39,274 --> 01:34:43,511
♪ Spread your tiny wings ♪
♪ and fly away ♪
1710
01:34:43,611 --> 01:34:45,580
♪ And take the snow ♪
♪ back with you ♪
1711
01:34:45,748 --> 01:34:49,484
♪ Where it came from ♪
♪ on that day ♪
1712
01:34:49,584 --> 01:34:52,755
♪ The one I loved forever ♪
♪ is untrue ♪
1713
01:34:53,588 --> 01:34:54,823
♪ And if I could ♪
1714
01:34:54,923 --> 01:34:58,961
♪ You know that I would ♪
♪ fly… ♪
1715
01:34:59,061 --> 01:35:03,799
♪ away with you ♪
116371
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