All language subtitles for family.guy.s23e13.1080p.web.h264-successfulcrab_track3_[eng]

♪

♪

[indistinct chatter]

♪

It's awful. Just awful.

I got these for free

and I put in
prescription lenses.

Okay, let's go crowd the gate
even though we're in group "R."

["On a Cocoanut Island"
by Louis Armstrong plays]

♪ On a coconut island ♪

♪ I'd like to be
a castaway with you ♪

♪ On a coconut island ♪

♪ There wouldn't be... ♪

Man, Bermuda is beautiful,
isn't it?

You bet. And now I can
cross another place off

my "Kokomo" bucket list.

-What's that?
-Oh, I sort of use

the lyrics to "Kokomo"
as my life's itinerary.

I don't have a travel agent,
I just have "Kokomo."

Mm, I do recall your trips
to Aruba and Montego.

Yep, and now Bermuda.

Uh, I did Benihana.

-It's not "Benihana".
-Sure is.

It's the cheapest one, honestly.

Boy, I can't wait till
we can finally go to Kokomo.

Kokomo isn't real, Joe.

It's a common misconception.

If you go to all the others,
you unlock Kokomo.

Only thing about Kokomo, though,

is you can
check out any time you like,

but you can never leave.

That's something else entirely.

♪

Welcome to
The White Lotus Bermuda.

Named after the sports car,
not the flower.

Wow, Brian, you look
so handsome in that suit.

And I can't believe they already
promoted you to manager.

Honestly, Lois, working here

has been just the change
I needed.

I made the choice to sober up
and start a new, clean life.

Me and Jeffrey can't believe

we's finally in
the "Bermuda Guy-Angle,"

where we hear
lots of handsome men

have mysteriously gone down
over the years.

[laughs] This is already
a good trip.

For a grand a night,
that should really be an iPad.

♪

Wow, look at this room.

And what a beautiful painting.

Ah, yes,
by a talented local artist.

It depicts the legend
of a fat husband

who ignored his wife,
so she beheaded him

and had sex
with his best friend,

who was a regional
airline pilot.

Man, I just don't get art.

Yeah, great, can
we just get to my room?

I've been holding in
a dump since America.

Look at us, Peter. Huh?

Finally on
a romantic vacation together.

[gasps] Oh, you know what?

Let's have crazy vacation sex,
right here, right now. [laughs]

Eh, I don't know, maybe later.

I mean, you know my kryptonite

is drapes that can
open by a button.

Pick your poison, Lois.
Just the sheers? Full blackout?

Or-- Uh, I think I broke it.

Oh, forget it.
I'll be at the pool.

Okay, I'll meet you down there.

I need 20 minutes
for those red lines

from my socks to smooth out.

♪

Oh, Brian,
I'm so glad you're here.

I never do this, but one of
the bellhops yelled at me

when I was playing
on the baggage cart,

and I want him fired.

Stewie, he has three children.

Yeah, again, I never do this.

Why are you dressed like that?

Oh, when I go on vacation,
I like to spice things up

by adopting a "travel persona"
named "Desmond Voyáge."

Oh, and one other teensy thing:

I actually specifically
requested an ocean-view room.

You have an ocean-view room.

Eh, technically, I'm looking out

-onto a bay.
-It's water.

Yeah, a bay is actually
a curvature in the shoreline

that creates an inlet.

I don't want
to have to look at any land.

[groans]

Oh, hey there.

We's just gonna
scooch in next to you,

but sorry if we get loud.

We's just settling an argument

about what the deal is
with Hilaria Baldwin.

I'll tell you her deal.
She's a woman from Boston

named Hillary Hayward-Thomas,

who, on her first date
with Alec Baldwin,

probably said "por favor"
to a waiter to seem exotic,

and has been cosplaying
as a Latina ever since.

Mmm, I like you.
What's your name?

Unless you don't wanna say
'cause it's boring and ordinary.

Desmond Voyáge.

[all]
Ooh.

Desmond, would you join
me, Jeffrey and Dennis

for dinner tonight?

Well, that depends on the menu,
because I'm gluten-free.

Not medically,
just for the drama.

[all]
Ooh.

♪

Come on, Chris, the drinking age
in Bermuda is only 18,

so I want to buy
some rum to pound

so I can get totally blitzed.

It honestly makes me sad

you feel the need to show off
to your own brother.

♪

Oh, my God. I must have this.

What? Some lame,
touristy T-shirt?

Meg, according
to high school law,

vacation shirts equal status,

and Neil Goldman has been
rubbing "Señor Frog's Cancún"

in my face for far too long.

Fine, we'll get
the rum and the T-shirt.

That'll be $90.

$90?

How much for just the shirt?

$40.

How much for... nothing?

That's five dollars.

[announcer] Hotels.
What are you gonna do,

take a cab to a pharmacy?

♪

Oh, my God, I can't wait
to see St. David's Lighthouse.

I know.

What are we gonna do
at a stupid lighthouse?

Wake me when it's a Roadhouse.

[tires screeching]

Peter, you're driving.

Sorry.

Holy crap.
Did you guys see that?

"World's Best Cheesecake."

In Bermuda? [scoffs]

Peter, there's no way
that's true.

Yeah, I don't know, Lois.
Who am I gonna listen to,

my wife or a sign
on the side of the highway?

Damn it, Peter,
I will not let you

ruin another trip for me.

Come on, Glenn,
let's go see that lighthouse.

Fine, go.

Taxi!

♪

Good afternoon, sir.

May I interest you--

Sorry, I'm from
the United States,

so I'm scared to talk
to anyone from the island

who doesn't work at the resort.

♪

[telephone rings]

Front Desk, this is Brian.

Yes, I'd like to request
a wake-up call for tomorrow

even though every human on Earth

now has an alarm clock
in their pocket.

Oh, hey, Stewie.
Sorry again about the mix-up

with your room,
but I hope you're enjoying

the apology
fruit platter I sent up.

Eh, it's mostly honeydew,

and not a berry to be found
on the whole plate.

What do you mean?
There's strawberries.

Mmm, not technically a berry.

It's actually
an aggregate accessory fruit.

It's got the word "berry"
in the name.

Doesn't make it a berry.
It's also got the word "straw,"

but I'm not
sipping my drink through it.

So, now I'm sitting here,
staring at a bay

with a plate of
aggregate accessory fruit

and wondering how you plan
to make this up to me.

Oh, hey, Peter.
How's the trip going?

Awesome, Brian.
Not only did I manage to find

the "World's Best Cheesecake,"

I even brought back
an extra piece.

Hey, I saw Lois and Quagmire

have been posting
a ton of stuff on Instagram.

Seems like they had quite a day.

Does... does this
bother you at all?

No way. I'm doing
vacation exactly right.

Some idiot's takin' my wife

to all the boring places
I don't want to go.

Meanwhile, I'm at the hotel,
just eating cheesecake

and ordering more towels.

Hey, can I get more towels
to Room 412?

♪

Hmm, I think
I'll get the salmon.

The salmon, huh?

I think that's a great idea.

[laughs]
Oh, my God. What is that?

It's a Christmas ornament I got
at the lighthouse gift shop.

Oh, I just love small things

that remind me
of big things I've seen.

[slurps]

Settle down.

Another Oreo cookie
milkshake with vodka in it.

You know, I'm feeling
a little hot in these pants.

I may just
go upstairs real quick

to change into a sarong.

Huh. I feel like I'd also like
to slip into my sarong.

Sarong run?

You okay with them spending
so much time together?

Yeah, no one
in the history of the world

has ever gone on a sarong run.

Relax, it's fine.

And no amount of ominous waves

crashing onto a rocky shore

are gonna change my mind.

♪

Now, Rupert, we mustn't
let our new friends

see that we are anything
but adults, just like they are.

So, Desmond,
what did you do today?

Oh, I spent most of the day
in the business center,

-as adults do.
-Really?

Yes, they're running
an Epson ET-5180 in there.

Not my preferred choice,
but, you know,

thing jammed
and I didn't even cry.

No tantrum.
Just kept on doing my business.

You guys, let's totally do
credit card roulette

to see who pays for dinner.

-Right?
-Yeah.
-I love it.

Oh, indeed. H-h-here.
Here. Here's mine.

This is a Peppa Pig bookmark.

No. No, they let you
customize the credit card.

I almost went
with the Montreal Expos.

They're not a team anymore.

Yeah, I'm a big nostalgia guy.

Ah, there you are, Stew--
I mean, um, Mr. Voyáge.

With apologies for
the earlier fruit plate,

please accept this
complimentary seafood tower.

Great, now could you
bring us another one

that you haven't
talked all over?

And I'd say
this is less a seafood tower

than it is a seafood duplex.

[giggling]

Perhaps you'd prefer
a complimentary bottle

of our finest Riesling?

Oh, that's sweet.

It's the least we could do.

No, I'm talking about
the Riesling.

I didn't realize this was a
bachelorette party in Nashville.

Just bring back
another seafood tower

and the score of the Expos game.

That... was amazing.

Desmond, you absolutely have

to join us
on our yacht tomorrow.

Yacht? I say,
that sounds lovely.

Yay!

We's gonna sail to
and then hike up

a volcano
called "The Purple Head."

That's right.
We's gonna start at the base

and then work our way
to the tip.

You've got
to be careful, though,

because The Purple Head's
been known to erupt

when you least expect it.

I even heard it's created
the world's biggest ash-hole.

I'm gonna join this table.

Peter, it seems like
it's been a while

since Quagmire and Lois
went upstairs.

Yeah, fine,
I'll go check on 'em.

♪

[gasps] Oh, my God.

And I gotta clean it all up.

Yes, this is Room 412.

Can I have some more
towels, please?

♪

Meg, look. It's that shirt.

Oh, God, I want it so bad.

You know, there is one way
for me to get that rum

and for you to get that T-shirt.

We could always shoplift 'em.

Shoplift? Who do I look like,

celebrity film critic Rex Reed?

Convicted killer Robert Durst?

Journeyman quarterback
Jameis Winston?

Okay, I'm not exactly sure
what this is, but... yeah.

♪

Hmm, okay.

-I'm not sure how we--
-Relax, I got this.

Go into a changing room,
put the rum in your backpack.

Meanwhile, I'll go into
another changing room,

put the shirt on,
then casually walk out

like I came in wearing it.

Okay. Got it.

What are you doing?

-Run! Run! I messed up!
-Aah!

♪

Desmond, you made it.

Yes, I'm sorry I'm late.

I was in the business center
helping Mr. Takahashi

log into his United account.

Do you know he's 75?

I have no idea
who you're talking about.

All right,
now could someone please

help me onto the boat
like a woman?

Yes, there you are,

just guide me
by my wrist and elbow.

So, heading up
the volcano again?

Yep.

And just like every year,

when we reach the top,

we're all going
to make a sacrifice.

[gasps] Sacrifice?

Well, no wonder they've
been so nice to me, Rupert.

They're going to make
a sacrifice to the volcano,

and I'm the only virgin
on this boat.

No, no, no, I don't care
if you found Jesus.

What happened before
still counts.

♪

Caught shoplifting
booze and a T-shirt?

What were you guys thinking?

I'm sorry, Brian.
I-I was just trying

to keep up with Neil Goldman.

Oh, yeah, that
"Señor Frog's Cancún" shirt?

Oh, yeah, no,
that thing's badass.

But, Meg, it says here
you not only stole rum,

but also two tiny novelty
license plates

that say "Mel" and "Greg"?

I was gonna cut 'em in half

and solder 'em together
to spell "Meg".

There's no way people are
still naming their kids "Mel."

Like, name one "Mel" under 50.

I think we're getting off track.

I'm just saying, you can
stop printing the Mels.

-We don't print them.
-Okay, then you can

stop ordering the Mels.

♪

[Quagmire]
Hey, Lois,

open wide.

Glenn, I want you
to take my cherry.

Yeah, I'll take your cherry.

You want my crust?

Ew, no.
No, I mean, I like crust,

but don't-- Ugh--
don't say it like that.

[crying]

♪

[phone ringing]

This is Brian.

Brian, this
is a resort executive

in a heavily-embroidered,
open-collar shirt.

We've gotten several complaints
from a very important guest,

Desmond Voyáge,
including the fact that,

"the in-room movie selections
don't include Michael Clayton,

"despite there clearly being
a still image of it

on the home screen."

Frickin' Stewie.

He says, for him, "falling
asleep to George Clooney

"shouting about
toxic agrochemicals

scratches a very specific itch."

Yep, I'll handle it. Thanks.

[sighs]

♪

Ah, I've missed you, captain.

And I've missed you, Brett.

It's... it's Brian.

Oh, sorry, I...

I guess I'm always super wasted
when we hang out.

♪

Hey, so, this seems
far enough, right?

Like, I'll bet
if we turn around now,

we can still get back in time

to make fun
of the cabana waitress

with the lopsided boob job, heh?

Damn it, Rupert,
we're running out of ti--

[gasps] I've got a signal.
I've got to call Brian.

-Hello?
-Brian, help!

I'm hiking to the top
of a volcano

where I'm going to be thrown
to my death as a sacrifice.

Screw you, Stewie!

You've turned my job
into a total nightmare.

Hey, you-you think a novel
set inside a mushroom

would be a good idea?

Except-except you wouldn't know
it's a mushroom

until the very last page.

I'd call it Mushroom Surprise.

Well, that kind of
gives it away.

No, no, 'cause in the story,

that-that's the guy's
favorite soup,

so, like, that's
what you'd think it means.

Honestly, I don't get
the whole soup angle.

It seems needlessly confusing.

You don't know! You always think
you're better than me.

Well, you're not.

In fact, I've met a ton
of celebrities at this job.

-Name one.
-Um... Brad?

Brad somebody? He was in, um...

Go to hell, Stewie!
I'm not helping you.

Brian, please. Don't hang up!

Oh, Rupert, I'm so scared.

This may finally be
the end for me--

-[phone rings]
-Hello? Brian?

I remembered which Brad it was.

It was Toby Huss.

♪

So, is there something
you want to tell me?

Oh, nothing, just swam with a
dolphin this morning, no biggie.

Not you.

It actually was me.
Check Facebook.

Peter, Lois and I don't know
what you're talking about.

I know you've been eating
cheesecake with my wife

behind my back.

You left a used napkin
in the couch.

Okay, fine, Peter.
It-it just, it looked too good.

Quagmire and I each had
one bite, but that's it.

[Quagmire] It's true. After
that, we both felt so guilty,

we threw the rest of it
off the balcony

and into the ocean.

[crunching]

Wow, this is, like,
the world's best cheesecake.

Yeah. I saw the sign.

I'm sorry we lied to you, Peter.

But, look, I think there's
a part of me that was angry

you seemed to care more
about a dumb piece of cheesecake

than being on a romantic
vacation with your wife.

[sighs]
It's my fault, too, Lois.

I'm sorry I've been kind of
neglecting you this trip.

Hey, I know. How about
we flush the whole afternoon

down the tubes by wandering
through a bunch of boring,

overpriced boutiques?

Oh, that's all any woman wants.
I love you, Peter.

♪

Okay, Desmond,
the moment has arrived.

Time to step up
to the lip of the volcano.

♪

This is it, Rupert.

If Lizzo ever writes back,
I want you to have the letter.

Put it in a frame I would like.

Talk to Curt at Aaron Brothers,
he's fantastic.

♪

-Yay! We did it!
-Did what?

Hey. I-I thought Dennis said

you were all going
to make a sacrifice.

That's right.

The sacrifice is
that we's posting a pic

with no filter and no photoshop.

And... posted.

-[phone chimes]
-Ooh, first comment.

"So brave to post such
a terrible photo of yourselves."

Ah, ah...
Delete. Delete. Delete.

♪

Eh, fine, Stewie, maybe we don't
have Michael Clayton.

But we got that Matt Damon
fracking movie.

Basically the same thing.
What's that-- what is it called?

I want to, I want to say
"Frack Damon"?

And-and, oh, not enough berries
on your plate?

I-I got some berries for you,
of the dingle variety.

♪

Housekeeping.

No, no, no...

♪

You know, posting that photo
wasn't the only sacrifice

-we made today.
-Really?

Yep. You won't find
a single carb on this boat.

Um... flatbread is a carb.

Oh, my God, he's right.
Why did we think that?

-Just 'cause it's flat?
-I must have had two boxes.

[gasps]
My hat that no one likes!

[screams]

Oh, no!

I know!

♪

So sad.

The lifeguard said the sharks
were lured to the resort

because someone threw
cheesecake in the water.

Oh! [nervous chuckle]
Is that right?

I don't know
if I's ever gonna recover.

I could come back with you.

Oh, let the healing begin!

Oh, hey. Where have you been?

At the duty-free shop, buying
six cartons of cigarettes,

a jug of Dior perfume
and a tin of wafer cookies.

-Oh. Did you get a good deal?
-I have no idea.

And what about you?
You're coming home with us?

Yeah. I actually got fired
for dragging my ass

on every inch
of a guest's hotel room.

[laughs] Aw, epic.
Even their pillow?

-Yep.
-Nice.

Maybe next year, we'll go to
the White Lotus in Thailand.

Eh, I hear it's not as good.